Could We Have “The Return of the Gentleman” Please?

The other day my girlfriends collectively wished men would act more like gentlemen. During our candid girl-talk bitchin’ sesh, one friend reported: “Men seem more interested in ‘closing the deal’ an hour after meeting for the first time.” (the side-effects of being hot, we all agreed.)

Another said, “It’s the ‘Tinder mentality’ of thinking everyone is disposable.” “Its all about getting right to the sex after a few text messages. Forget taking us out on a date or courting us. “That’s what I’m in it for,” said another, “the getting all dolled up for a date and the romance part. I’m down for sex, but not if he spends the whole time talking me into it like a drunken frat boy.”

Since when did acting like a gentleman become uncool? My Dad used to tell my brother that if he wanted a girl to sleep with him, he had to behave like a gentlemen. “You have to give the girl “the business” he once told my brother. “The business?” my brother smiled, “what’s that?” “That’s when you’re nice to the girl, you’re respectful, you’re charming, and you make her laugh. Do that and she’ll eventually want to have sex with you.” (My Mom told me my Dad sent her funny love letters in the mail when they first met.)

There are never enough gentlemen in this world, I say. And I am happy to see that someone is celebrating the “gentleman” as a male ideal that young men, all men, can aspire to. In my view, a “real man” is a gentleman. And I’m glad someone just wrote an inspiring book called Return of the Gentleman, Creating Nurturing Connections by Embracing the Authentic You. Dr. Dain Heer, an internationally renowned speaker, and co-creator of Access Consciousness, asks the question “Can a man be powerful and also kind?” Men need to read this book, and women need to buy it, read it, and then give it to men.

Dr. Heer says that men can be simultaneously “strong and kind,” as well as “potent, powerful, and vulnerable.” He encourages men to be “open to the infinite possibilities,” which means “being yourself.” One way to do this, he says is to stop “pretending to be something or someone you’re not.” To be more specific, men think they have to act a certain way, or feel pressured to act like the “Alpha Male,” which means constantly feeling the need to dominate women or see them as inferior. After reading the book, my take-away was that men could really take the pressure off themselves if they stopped trying to prove themselves. It’s a huge turn-on when a man has nothing to prove.

In the chapter about sexuality vs. “sexualness,” he makes a distinction that “sexuality is all about judgement, whereas sexualness is about energy.” Stop judging yourself and others for inadequacies, he says, and you will become more sexually confident. We all exude sexy confidence when we are “alive, engaged, and more present.”

My girlfriends would love to see this in action on the dating scene.

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Anka Radakovich is a legendary Sex Columnist, Certified Sexologist, Sex Therapist, Sex Educator, Screenwriter, and Author of the new book THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, PART 2, Tales from New York to Hollywood. THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, Part 2 is her third book. Her first two books, The Wild Girls Club; Tales from below the Belt, and Sexplorations; Journeys to the Erogenous Frontier were both published by Crown/Random House. She was the Sex Columnist for DETAILS Magazine for 9 years and is currently a Sex Columnist for BRITISH GQ and writes the weekly "Ask Anka"/"Sexual Healing" column for Her writing has appeared in dozens of magazines including Marie Claire, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Men's Journal, Seventeen, Glamour, and Maxim. She has appeared on numerous television shows including 8 appearances with Conan O’Brien. She was a Jeopardy question under the category “Men’s Mags.” As a Sex Educator and Sexologist, she is a college lecturer at Universities throughout the country who offers her unique brand of sex education. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.


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