Friday, March 22, 2019
Authors Posts by Dr. Ava Cadell

Dr. Ava Cadell

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Dr. Ava Cadell is America’s #1 Sexpert as a Clinical Sexologist, Sex Counselor, Founder of Loveology University & President of the American College of Sexologists International. Author of 9 books including the upcoming Sexycises by Sexperts: Intimacy Through Yoga, Dr. Ava is also a sought after media therapist & global speaker; her mission is to empower people to overcome sexual guilt & shame so they can enjoy the benefits of healthy, sexual relationships.

Reinvent Your Inner Strength – Excerpt from #ReclaimingMe: Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

It takes a lot of guts to live through traumatic sexual abuse, so I want to congratulate you on your healing journey. You are reinventing your inner strength so that you can get back everything that was robbed from you by your aggressor. It takes time to do the work, identifying your issues, pinpointing your triggers, and replacing negative attitudes with ones that serve you better and align with a positive, fulfilling life.

Reinventing your inner strength starts with remembering who you are. Your true authentic self can be accessed through art therapy, using exercises that are both easy and fun.

Self-Portrait

Choose art materials and a medium that appeal to you, whether it’s charcoal pencils, pencil crayons, paints or markers, paper or canvas. Find a comfortable place to work, where you can allow yourself to get messy. Think about who you are at your core, what you most want to express, and begin to create. There is no one judging or grading this work of art. This is only for you. When you are finished, you have the added option of writing down a description of the work, and writing journal entries on what came up for you while thinking about yourself. Self-portraits are often helpful in putting a physical manifestation to your thoughts and feelings.

Feelings

This is my favorite art exercise that I’ve done with friends and clients to help them to get in touch with their feelings and discover what can make them feel fulfilled. Take three pieces of blank paper and write number 1 on the first one, then draw how you feel right now. It can be an abstract, words, numbers, symbols, realism or anything that you think describes how you are feeling at this very moment.

Be spontaneous and don’t spend more than five minutes to complete the picture. Then take another piece of paper and write number 2 on it and draw how you would like to feel if everything was perfect in your life. Again, be as spontaneous as you can. Finally, take the last sheet of paper and write number 3 on it and this time, draw your biggest obstacle or challenge that is preventing you from getting to number 2. Then spread all the drawing out in front of you and look at the three feelings that you have drawn to describe your life now, your life as you want it to be and what is stopping you from getting there. This exercise can provoke deep emotions as well as epiphanies to help you to heal. For example, one of my clients drew an apple with a bite taken out of it for her number one, a whole apple for number 2 and a heart to symbolize love for number 3. When I asked her to define her feelings through her art, she said that she felt like a piece of her was taken away and she wanted to feel whole, but giving and receiving love was stopping her from reaching that ultimate goal of wholeness that would make her feel happy.

Vision Board

Vision boards are a wonderful way to project positivity onto your future and open yourself to new vistas and options. To do this exercise, you will need a poster board, magazines, scissors, glue, pen and paper. Use the pen and paper to make a list of things you’d like to see in your future, and then create them visually with cut out images from magazines. This could be anything from a happy family sitting down together for a meal, or a safe workplace that you would love to go to everyday. You don’t have to limit yourself in any way. Have you always wanted a house by the beach? Go ahead and put that on there! This is the time to imagine yourself in the future doing exactly what you want to do to, resulting in maximum joy. There are no limits to the blissful fulfillment that you can imagine for yourself and eventually experience in your life.

Read more about my upcoming book here.

Artwork by Pablo Soloman

How To Use Pheromones To Attract

The first stage in a new relationship is based on fascination. It’s that heady time during which we give off chemical signals that result in the infamous “spark” that lights up all of our senses. I’ve teamed up with Eye of Love to create beautiful jewelry that is designed to be infused with their high quality pheromones, giving you an advantage in the fascination arena.

Get 25% off your pheromone induced jewelry with my promo code DRAVA

Under the spell of fascination, we might be tempted to do things outside our normal behavior, because the feelings inspired by the new possibilities of romance are exciting and fun.

You don’t need an exotic car if you have pheromone-infused jewelry.

It’s like putting on a new pair of designer shoes for the first time. You love the way you look and you can’t wait to wear them again and again. Or it’s like test-driving an exotic sports car. Turning on its engine turns you on as you drive around the block a few times, running through the gears to see if it’s a keeper.

Amp Up Your Radar

Eye of Love pheromone-infused dog tag necklace and bracelet.

Here’s a tip for singles: Wear one of Eye of Love’s pheromone jewelry designs – a pendant necklace, dog tag necklace, a two layer necklace or a simple bracelet made with black lava rock. Black lava rock is one of the oldest and most abundant stones in the world, and it possesses energetic qualities and a porous surface that absorbs pheromone perfume beautifully. When sprayed with pheromones, it acts as a fragrance diffuser that becomes a powerful attracting force worn close to the skin. It’s also a great flirting prop! You’ll see how people will be motivated to approach you, and how it affects your charisma once you begin a conversation.

During this introductory fascination phase of a relationship, we play, and carefully reveal various parts of our personality, testing the waters, looking for signs that it’s okay to lower our guard enough to move into the next romantic phase.

Eye of Love pheromone perfume bottle with two-tiered necklace and bracelet.

When we fascinate someone, we attract him or her, and they want to meet us, date us, make love to us and cease to think of anything else. People want to connect with us and when they do, they’re more likely to “fall in love” with us! We are all familiar with the feelings this fascination can ignite, but what exactly is this spark and where does it come from?

One scientific explanation is that pheromones, the chemical signals released by humans that send subconscious messages regarding physical attraction are drawing us together. Dr. Ivanka Savic of the Karolinska Institute found that the hormone-like smells “turn on” the brain’s hypothalamus, which is normally not activated by regular odors. This is a very important finding because it identifies the stimulation of a specific area of the brain that is known to modify emotions, hormones, reproduction and sexual behavior. This can trigger curiosity in the brain as it works to comprehend these changes, thereby generating fascination with the person responsible for the internal shift.

Did you know that 80% of a person’s initial impression of a potential mate is non-verbal? Yes, we can be fascinating without saying a word! The messages sent to others are communicated by posture and facial expression, which are universal. A smile is an open door of approval in any language, whereas crossed arms are a signal of unapproachability.

Single people need to be aware of their fascinating qualities because it creates a starting point for finding a mate. By projecting an attractive image (and I don’t mean looks!) we create options for meeting potential partners. Our unique qualities are our calling card for inviting fascination. For instance, if being health conscious is a strong quality, then time spent at a gym, yoga class, health food restaurant or health expo can create more opportunities for romantic introductions. There’s nothing more attractive than a confident person who owns their strengths, and you have the tools to project this image – they’re all in your head right now! Use your positive attitude and confident body language to send out the signals of interest, amplifying your fascination radar and inviting conversation. Then allow the pheromones to boost your attraction even more. It’s not rocket-science, but it is scientific.

Eye of Love pheromone jewelry can give you an extra edge and you’ll get plenty of compliments when you wear one of the bracelets or necklaces,
Remember to use my code DRAVA for 25% discount on any style you desire.

Partner Boat Pose – Sexycises Couples Yoga

In this yoga pose video, Kayna Cassard and Dominick Cole demonstrate Partner Boat Pose – a fun Level Three pose that encourages intimacy, connection and playful fun. Yoga is a wonderful way to connect physically, emotionally and sexually, and I developed this program to give couples an easy way to use the power of touch.

Learn more about SEXYCISES at www.sexycises.com and find my entire program “Sexycises by Sexperts: Yin Yang Yoga for intimacy” for sale or rent at: https://vimeo.com/ondemand/sexycises

Boat Pose description: In Partner Boat Pose Kayna and Dominick are holding hands as they bring the soles of their feet together. They then begin to extend the legs straight, pointing upward. Throughout this pose, Kayna and Dominic work at keeping their backs straight by leading with their heart chakra.

About Kayna Cassard: As an LMFT, Kayna’s areas of specialty include sexual difficulties, sexually compulsive behaviors, and gender or sexual identity issues. She hosts Acro Yoga Play & Intimacy Skills Therapeutic Workshops where she teaches communication and using body connection and breath to experience healthy intimacy.

About Dominick Cole: Dominick is a renowned Acroyoga expert and teacher with therapeutic workshops that focus on healing through movement as well as play & intimacy skills. His workshops use the components of acroyoga as a vehicle for participants to discover new ways to experience trust.

From Abuse to Control – An Excerpt from #ReclaimingMe Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

Excerpt from Dr. Ava Cadell’s upcoming book: #ReclaimingMe – Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

In order to free yourself of the burden of your sexual abuse, you need to tell someone who won’t judge you in any way. You want to be in a safe space to tell your story, which means you need to be sure that the person you tell can be trusted to keep your information confidential, if that’s what you want. You also need to be confident that he or she will treat you with the utmost respect while you’re sharing your story and describing the details of your suffering. Chances are you’ve already been judging yourself, blaming yourself and wondering why the abuse happened to you. Let the self-blame stop here, with the first person you tell. But, how can you determine who is the right person for you to tell?

Ask yourself these questions about the person you are considering talking to:


¬ Is he or she an empathetic person?


Tarana Burke, the founder of the “Me Too” movement, believes that empathy is the answer to the epidemic of sexual abuse. Empathy cuts to the chase, it gets right to the heart of what a survivor needs, which is the understanding of a fellow human being. The good news is that most people are capable of empathy and compassion.


¬ Is he or she a trustworthy person?


If you are alone with no family or friends who you trust, you could consider approaching a trusted member of the community, such as a teacher, a pastor or a police officer. You might also consider calling a crisis hotline. Hotline operators are trained to be nonjudgmental, compassionate listeners.


¬ Has this person supported you before?


If you’re lucky enough to already have a supportive friend or family member in your life who has already been there for you reliably in other ways, that’s a good sign he or she is the right person to approach.

Many survivors have a difficult time articulating what happened to them, as we’ve seen time and time again in the “Me Too” stories, where quite often the victim is realizing for the first time that the sexual encounter they had was actually abuse. In their minds, they had “normalized” the act of abuse, and yet definitely did not give their consent and couldn’t wait for it to be over. Obviously “waiting for it to be over” is not descriptive of a healthy sexual event, but it can be confusing to be confronted by someone who “wants you” so much that they’re willing to ignore your hesitation. It can feel flattering to be wanted so urgently, and oddly “mean” not to just give this person what they want. However, the after effect of abuse is generally some kind of self-destructive behavior, such as overeating that can lead to massive weight gain.

In my experience, this is a common reaction to abuse, and I’ve seen it again and again. This kind of self-sabotage can also occur after traumatic emotional events within an intimate relationship, like cheating, for example. It’s one of the many “I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again” strategies that our minds create as a defense mechanism.

Control Chart

One technique to combat self-sabotaging behavior like overeating is my Control Chart. It’s a simple two-column list of things that you have control over and things that you do not have control over. The chart helps in two ways. By looking at the list of things you do have control over, you gain an immediate sense of empowerment, a wedge of light piercing the out-of-control darkness. By looking at the list of things you don’t have control over, you are putting a name to the unknown and disorienting factors in your life. By naming the specific ways in which you feel helpless or adrift without recourse, you can begin to examine them, pull them apart and discover where you might be able to either gain some control back, or allow yourself to let go and move on.

You can brainstorm on these ideas with a therapist, family member or even a friend you trust. The Control Chart increases your potential to heal by bringing you face to face with your limitations. For one of my past clients, who we will refer to as Mindy, her Control Chart looked something like this:

Control Chart Sample

Things I Can Control

  • Choosing to be positive
  • My eating habits
  • Rewarding myself
  • Accepting dates
  • Having fun
  • Having or not having sex
  • Giving love
  • Receiving love

Things I Can’t Control

  • That I was violated
  • That violence is still a threat
  • Other people’s perceptions
  • How I might feel after sex with someone new
  • Having things in common with others
  • Other people’s baggage

Mindy couldn’t control the future, but the stranglehold she was putting on her own happiness was unsustainable. She was doing her best to control everything in her life, but ironically was losing herself along the way. We looked at the chart together and examined some of the items on the lists. One that caught her attention was that she had no control over other people’s perception of her. With our new insight into her sudden weight gain, she realized that she’d been subconsciously guarding against any unwanted advances from men. But the truth was, she actually had no control whatsoever of what any man might think of her no matter what she looked like, whether she gained a hundred more pounds, or lost all her extra weight.

Mindy almost started laughing when she realized that her attempts to control other people’s views of her were completely futile. She described that moment of discovery as liberating. After all, if you can’t control what other people think of the way you look, you may as well look the way you want, right? Instinctively, she knew that she couldn’t allow this past violent incident to ruin her life by letting it determine her health habits. But without any self-examination tools, it didn’t seem possible for her to act any other way. A simple inventory of control allowed us to steer her in the direction of healing.

Again, the lesson here is that healing begins when you reach out and talk about it.

10 Hot Home Valentine’s Date Ideas

Instead of making a reservation at a crowded restaurant with an overpriced set menu and bad service, you can stay home and have the best Valentine’s date ever! You’ll have more privacy for limitless romance, intimacy and eroticism, not to mention the time and money you’ll save by avoiding one of the busiest nights of the year out on the town. Here are my most memorable Valentine’s Day activities loved by many of my clients who have successful relationships, deep intimacy and fulfilling sex lives.

1. On Screen Kiss

Reenact your favorite kissing scenes from movies with your lover. Whether it’s from A Star is Born, Crazy Rich Asians, Pirates of the Caribbean, Closer, Twilight, The Notebook, Mulholland Drive, or Ghost, this could be the perfect way to create a kissing sensation that surpasses your expectations.

2. Sensational Senses

Find 5 items that enhance and heighten all 5 of each of your senses, so 10 items total. For the sense of sight, you can get fresh cut flowers or lingerie. For the sense of smell, use scented candles or incense. For sound, play romantic music or use wind chimes. The sense of taste can be enhanced with chocolates or fresh fruit and the sense of touch can be heightened by the use of feathers or massage oil. If you both choose the same thing for one of the senses, the first one to exchange it with something else gets their sensual massage first.

3. Love Foods

Food and sex are two of the greatest pleasures known to mankind and both appetites need to be fulfilled. Seduction foods heighten your arousal level even more, and can boost your sex drive to spice up your sex life. Take turns feeding each other slowly, licking each other’s fingers sensuously.

4. Body Art

Turn your lover’s body into a canvas! Paint a scene on any part of your lover’s body with food (fun foods for body painting include chocolate sauce, whipped cream, peanut butter, jam, syrup, honey, and all kinds of berries), and if they guess what it is you can you eat it off. If they can’t guess what it is, then you must continue to paint until they can describe your artistic masterpiece.

5. Hide the Honey

Decide who is going to be the hider and who is going to be the seeker. The hider will be the receiver of pleasure lying naked on the bed while the seeker will put on a blindfold. The hider must hide a dab of honey somewhere on their body and their lover must find it without using their hands.

6. Intimate Sex Talk

Begin a fantasy by creating your wildest scenario and then letting your lover add on to it. Take turns creating the additional sensual scenes until it ends in a climax! If you’re at a loss about how to get started, try using these phrases and fill in the blanks:
It feels so good when you touch my_____________.
Your _______is beautiful. I want you to_______________my________.
I love your______________.
My_____________ is so______________.
______me in the________.
You are so_______________.

7. Hands-Free Massage

A ‘hands-free’ massage is the ultimate erotic touch using your body instead of your hands! Both of you start by covering your bodies with massage oil. Then one of you gets on top of the other and slides up and down, side to side or in circular motions using your breath, hair, nose, lips, chin, elbows, forearms, nipples, pelvis, anything but your hands until one or both of you experience a happy ending!

8. Role-Playing Fantasies

One partner plays the doctor or nurse and the other is the patient who lays on the examination table and shows parts of his or her body that need more attention. The good doctor or nurse does whatever is needed to make sure their patient leaves happy.

9. Bags of Kink

Take two bags and fill each of them with as many different power play items as you can. One bag is for bondage restraints such as belts, neckties and scarves. The other bag is for discipline items such as a ruler, a spatula or clothes pegs. The more items you add to each bag, the better and the winner is he or she who can use everything from both bags to stimulate their lover.

For more sensual playtime ideas, check out my Sexy Little Book of Sex Games

10. Sexycises

Sexycises by Sexperts: Yin Yang Yoga For Intimacy is a love-changing video guide for couples to rekindle passion, deepen intimacy or just have fun together. Here are descriptions of the three sexycises in this photo:

Have a Ball

Sex Therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves sits onto the stability ball and guides Love Coach Erika Jordan to mount him by placing one leg on either side of his lap. Sitting face to face creates intimacy and closeness by allowing for the ability to synchronize your breath, connect with eye gazing, passionate kissing, and sweet caresses.

Double Trouble

Sex Therapist Dr. Amie Harwick and Love Coach Christina Engelhardt reach their left arm forward as they hinge from the hips towards their pointing toe, at the same time lifting their back arm up towards the sky. To make this pose more erotic, you can slide your hands along your partner’s body.

Sexy Backpack

Standing back to back, Acroyoga expert Dominic Cole links his arms underneath Sex Therapist Kayna Cassard’s to enable her to open her chest and heart chakra. As He hinges forward, Kayna relaxes her body and allows herself to be lifted off the ground into a supported backbend. Rent or buy the Sexycises video filled with demonstrations of couples yoga to enhance your intimate connection.

Finally, just because you are spending Valentine’s Day at home, it’s no excuse to forget the all-important card and gift. Since you’ll be saving money by not going out, you can splurge on a great gift or gourmet takeout for a picnic in bed.

Win the Jewelry you Choose Contest from Eye of Love & Dr. Ava

ENTER TO WIN the jewelry YOU choose from Eye of Love by posting a photo of the necklace or bracelet and using the hashtag #eyeoflove!

I’m teaming up with pheromone experts Eye of Love to bring you this “Win the Jewelry you Choose” contest! It’s very simple to enter. Go to www.eyeoflove.com/pheromone-jewelry and pick the beautiful lava rock piece you like – whether it’s a pendant necklace, a two-tiered necklace or a dog tag look, or one of two sizes of bracelets. The necklaces all come in silver or gold. If you win, Eye of Love will send you the piece that YOU handpicked for yourself!

DOG TAG NECKLACE WITH BLACK LAVA ROCK

In order to enter to win our draw, all you have to do is post a photo of the piece of jewelry you would like to win and share it on Twitter or Instagram with the hashtag #eyeoflove! You can save the photo from the Eye of Love website, or screenshot it from your phone…you can even draw a picture!

We will choose the winner on Valentine’s Day!

TWO-TIERED LAVA ROCK NECKLACE
PENDANT LAVA ROCK NECKLACE

Why Travel is Good for Your Relationship

Travel is a fantastic shorthand way to discover whether or not you and your partner are compatible. It thrusts you both into a microcosm of the life you’ve been imagining together, or if you already live together, it forces you to really ‘see’ your other half, and live in harmony with them. When you’re in a different location together, you’re required to communicate in important ways that affect everything from your physical safety to your financial freedom. I recommend travel to all my clients who complain that their relationships have gone stale, or to clients who are just getting to know their partner, but aren’t sure whether they’re ready to commit.

Shared Experiences

Traveling means shared experiences, and I’m not just talking about a selfie in front of the Great Wall of China. The journey begins at home before you even get in the car, or on the airplane. Even in the planning stage, you’re bonding together, talking about what to take and where you both want to go. And once you’re on the road, you’re discovering each other’s preferences and dislikes, and you’re finding a shared rhythm of your daily cycles of eating and relaxing, sleeping and of course sexy time. These experiences will become lifelong memories and you don’t have to travel long distances to make it special. Even a weekend getaway can be something you’ll be talking about for years to come.

Building a ‘Couple’s Language’

Doing something new sparks a new vocabulary for couples. Whether you’re contemplating how the Leaning Tower of Pisa is still standing, marveling at the sea creatures at an aquarium or watching baboons mating on a safari, you’re introducing new discussions into the relationship that wouldn’t be there in your ordinary routine. New discussions spark fresh ‘inside jokes’ between you, resulting in a strong bond that ties you together with the new exchange of ideas. There’s a feeling of “us against the world” that brings you closer together. You know those couples you envy because they seem to have a secret language that no one else understands? Travel is one way to get there.

It goes without saying that many couples have intimate nicknames for each other, such as ‘Babe,’ ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Honey.’ But what about naming your lover’s genitals, as Kate Hudson’s character did in “How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.” She nicknamed Matthew McConaughey’s penis ‘Princess Sophia’ and says, “Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?” This can be great fun when both partners give consent to use pet names for their sexual organs and lends itself to some playfulness, even in public settings where nobody knows what you’re talking about.

Problem Solving Together

Have you ever navigated a GPS with your partner? How about figuring out street signs in a country that uses a Cyrillic alphabet? Or trying to order from an unreadable menu?
These are activities that require patience and calmness with each other, and let’s face it, a sense of humor. One of the best indications that things are going well in a relationship is when two people find the same things funny. If you work together as a team, it’s an accomplishment you can be proud of and that’s what a great relationship is – a successful team.

Better Sex

People ask me why vacation sex is always hotter than regular sex. Is it the hotel room sheets, balcony or view? The complimentary fruit basket or chocolates on the pillows? The hot tub or shower bigger enough for two? Maybe, but that doesn’t explain the couple who get wild in their sleeping bags on camping trips. No, the common denominator here is something else: the elimination of distractions. At home, you’ve got the demands of your routine weighing on you all day long. Should I pick up coffee and milk on my way home? Did I lock the car door? Have you fed the dog? Is there something wrong with the garbage disposal? All-important daily questions, none of them sexy. Conversely, when you’re traveling, there are no daily life distractions keeping you from sharing a kiss when you want to. You can have sex anytime you want because you don’t have to be at work / the gym / book club / soccer practice or PTA meeting at any particular time. A great sex life comes with an ability to freely express yourself. The more you’re reminded of ‘shoulds’ and obligations, the less sexy you feel. Couples who travel together often find they are more easily able to prioritize sex when they get home, because they’ve broken the ‘distraction cycle’ enough times for them to recognize that thinking you have time for sex is simply a state of mind.

Learning about each other

Travel means finding new ways to meet your everyday needs. There are no ready-made casseroles in the fridge at your hotel – you’re going to be winging it for every meal, every trip to the drug store and every coffee break. This means that you become more in-tune with your partner’s minute to minute desires. You’ll remember how that 3 o’clock coffee perked her right up and she was ready to go for a full afternoon of sight-seeing. You’ll learn that he gets hungry by 11am if you haven’t stopped for breakfast, and you both get horny before dinner rather than afterwards, so these things become a priority – and your partner feels understood and cherished. These are the micro-lessons we learn that make us better, more attentive partners. And the lessons usually have take-home value that extend to your life at home when you return.

Travel has many other advantages too – you get to learn about new cultures, try new foods and experiences, hear music you’ve never heard before and see new thought-provoking sights you’ve only seen in pictures or videos. I’ve witnessed first-hand the magic that travel can bestow on a relationship, through my two decades of couples counselling. Even a weekend getaway can get you out of your comfort zone, and into an exciting new world where you become attuned to the nitty gritty of your partner’s needs, and your partner discovers new things about you. Give it a try, and let me know how your relationship is working!

Top 10 Sexual Resolutions

How can you make 2019 the sexiest year ever? I’ve got a surefire way for you to explore your desires so it can happen for you now!

This is an exercise that I have demonstrated with audiences in the U.S., the U.K. and five cities in Australia, and it’s not only a great ice-breaker for people to discuss their wants and needs, but it results in a tangible blue print for the actions you can take to make your fantasies come true.

I always start out by asking, “Are you making love a priority in your life?” and I usually get mixed results. There are single people focused on their careers who have just started to feel the urge to get ‘out there’ and look for a soul mate, and singles who have been looking forever and keep dating the same type of person who’s making them miserable. There are couples who are afraid they’re growing apart and want to reverse that trend, and couples who are closer than ever, ready to take on new sexual adventures together. There are also couples in predictable relationships where they make love in the same place at the same time in the same position all the time – and at least one of them is not sexually satisfied and could be resentful.

Next I ask everyone write down ten things that they believe would make their love lives better. I encourage you to do this before the new year too! You can choose things like I want to feel confident when I’m naked, or I want more cuddling. Here’s an example of a top ten list from a female client:

1. I want to find the right lover
2. I want to love my entire body
3. I want to overcome my sexual inhibitions
4. I want to overcome my sexual guilt & shame
5. I want to get some amazing sex toys
6. I want to have a sexier bedroom
7. I want to have more time for sex
8. I want sex more often / I want sex to last longer
9. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires
10. I want to have more sexual adventures

Now that you’ve made your list, I want you to keep the five things from your list that are absolutely necessary in order for you to have more happiness, more satisfaction, more fulfilment, more intimacy and more sex. Then delete the other five.

My female client’s top five list:

1. I want to love my entire body (because she couldn’t surrender to a lover without feeling self-conscious about her weight)
2. I want to find the right lover (it had been four years since her divorce)
3. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires (her ex-husband was unwilling to learn about her sexual needs)
4. I want to have more sexual adventures (she tried to get her husband to make love in different positions and try Tantric sex, but he said he wasn’t interested)
5. I want some amazing sex toys (she wants to have orgasms even without a partner)

Now, my client was astonished when I asked her to choose only two essential items from her diminishing list. I gave her ten minutes, five minutes for each! She decided to keep:

1. I want to love my entire body (which includes overcoming sexual inhibitions & using sex toys)
2. I want to find the right lover (which includes sexual adventures and good communication)

The next session I spent with this client was dedicated to discovering how she could love her body. We used a naked “Gingerbread Lady” exercise to help. She drew a simple outline of her body, then I gave her a red crayon to highlight the areas on her body that she didn’t like. She focused on her belly and thighs, so we discussed them both, and came up with reasons for her to turn that disdain into love. With her belly, she was self-conscious about the layer of fat, but as we discussed her joyful pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth, she began to see that there were good associations with her belly as well, including a healthy digestive system that had never given her any problems. With her thighs she managed to transform, “They’re too big” into “They’re strong and I love how the muscles feel when I’m hiking.”

After that we tackled how she could find the right lover. I gave her a pheromone-infused lava rock bracelet from Eye of Love to attract potential partners and help make her feel more confident. Then I recommended that she go to three different places where she might find a man with the qualities she was looking for in a partner – a hardware store, a popular hiking trail and a health food restaurant. You may have gathered that she was looking for a man who was fit, handy and a vegetarian! By the way, she met him when he complimented her bracelet.

The thought-provoking conclusion to this new year’s resolution exercise is that you don’t need as much as you thought you did in order to be sexually fulfilled and satisfied! The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we often write a long list of things we want to change, eliminate or improve that it becomes so overwhelming we don’t do any of them! I don’t want that to happen to you in your love life.

I encourage you to do this exercise because your sexual pleasure is guaranteed to improve the quality of your life, and create memories that last a lifetime.

Dr. Ava Nominated for X-Biz Sexpert of the Year

I’m honored to been named as a finalist nominee for the Sexpert of the Year award at the 2019 XBIZ Awards which celebrates the most outstanding achievements across the multi-million dollar business of sexual health and pleasure. It means the world to me to receive this validation of my career and life’s passion.

Check out the great company I’m lucky enough to be with on the XBIZ Sexpert of the Year voting page – and vote!

Each year, XBIZ’s “Sexpert of the Year” category honors an individual who has contributed significantly to the sexual health and wellness community, whether it’s through educational initiatives, media outreach, innovative events, or other means of communicating expert advice worldwide.  This is my 5th nomination at XBIZ, and I was privileged to receive the very first Sexpert of the Year award in 2015 from the Sexual Health Expo (SHE).

Nominees for the 2019 XBIZ Awards are selected based on more than 7,000 pre-nominations submitted by members of the adult industry via social network XBIZ.net. Other nominees in the category of Sexpert of the Year are Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals, Dr. Chris Donaghue, Dr. Emily Morse, Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, Ducky DooLittle, Elle Chase, Jessica Drake, Ashley Manta and Sandra Daugherty.

I’ve helped singles and couples enrich their love lives in unique ways for over 20 years, and travel the world as a global speaker and media therapist. It’s my mission to certify love coaches at my Loveology University® (loveuniv.com) and to spread positive and accurate knowledge about love and sex around the world. As an entrepreneur I have created many tools for intimacy from my invention of the TriGasm Vibrator, erotic audios, sensual instructional videos, Tantric Lover’s Board Game, sexy Fantasy Playing Cards, pheromone-infused jewelry to my video and seminar project, Sexycises by Sexperts: Yin Yang Yoga For Intimacy.  Currently, I am writing memoir entitled, #ReclaimingMe: Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing. I’m looking forward to sharing my story and creating seminars to help others heal by learning from my healing journey.

The 2019 XBIZ Awards are scheduled for Jan. 17, 2019, with adult superstar Stormy Daniels set to host the annual star-studded red-carpet affair that features a who’s who in the adult industry in movie production, technology, pleasure products, retail and sexuality experts. The XBIZ Awards will coincide with XBIZ 2019, the biggest industry-wide trade show of the year, which annually unites over 1,500 players from international markets to promote business opportunities and examine industry trends.

Every nominee in the Sexpert of the Year category offers their own unique voice that enlightens the sexual health industry, so please take a moment to look at the nominees (including yours truly!) and VOTE!

Sexperts Share Secrets at “The New Rules of Sex Summit”

As a graduate and faculty member of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), I get the privilege of teaching students who want to become sexologists, like me. Lauren Brim was a top student in my class and I’m so proud of what she’s created with her New Rules Sex Summit that runs this July 30 – August 8, 2018.

Lauren is collaborating with top sexperts like sex researcher, author and global speaker Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, psychologist and transgender expert Dr. Elise Turen and Sheri Winston, who is a Wholistic Sexuality™ Teacher and founder of the Intimate Arts Center. The Sex Summit topics range from orgasmic potential and sexual consent to sexual healing and getting what you really want in bed. My interview was a lot of fun as Lauren wanted me to talk about sex toys, since she enjoyed my presentation on the evolution of sex toys since the beginning of time.

You can tune in to listen by joining here. My interview airs on July 30, 2018 at 8AM Pacific Time. First I give an overview of the history of sex toys and then we discuss how toys can help with sexual issues or incompatibilities for both individuals and couples. I give advice on what couples can use to create novel experiences in long term relationships and address the worry that many men have about sex toys being a penis replacement.

Also, all the sexperts at the Sex Summit are giving away free gifts when you sign up! Mine is a free download of my entertaining seminar video from the Sexual Health Expo called Unique Orgasms! Watch Dr. Hernando Chaves and myself demonstrate sex toy techniques and discuss orgasms you may not have heard of. It’s part of “The Big O” course at Loveology University®, but I’m giving it away here for free. So don’t forget to sign up and get my gift as well as 19 other fantastic gifts of sexual knowledge!