Monday, September 23, 2019
Home Authors Posts by Dr. Ava Cadell

Dr. Ava Cadell

190 POSTS 0 COMMENTS
Dr. Ava Cadell is America’s #1 Sexpert as a Clinical Sexologist, Sex Counselor, Founder of Loveology University & President of the American College of Sexologists International. Author of 9 books including the upcoming Sexycises by Sexperts: Intimacy Through Yoga, Dr. Ava is also a sought after media therapist & global speaker; her mission is to empower people to overcome sexual guilt & shame so they can enjoy the benefits of healthy, sexual relationships.

New LU Course: Healing From Loss & Abuse

I’m about to launch a new course at Loveology University® called Healing From Loss & Abuse – Loving Solutions to Live Your Life to the Fullest for Victims of Grief, Trauma, Assault & Sexual Harassment, a wide-ranging look at how to emotionally heal from loss, pain, disabilities, accidents, disease, toxic relationships, sexual dysfunction and sexual trauma, harassment and abuse. The course has a personal connection for me, as I was a victim of sexual abuse and human trafficking as a teenager, and have spent my life learning to heal myself and others. I also suffer from chronic pain with trigeminal neuralgia and have lost my soul mate to cancer, each of these life events driving me to find ways to repair and restore my faith in happiness. The exercises I suggest in the course and companion e-book are a combination of my own and ones from other sources that have worked for me or my clients. My goal as a Love Coach and sexologist is to help people find their way back to intimacy, to love again and feel the physical and emotional pleasure we all deserve.

Healing from pain

It was only after I started seeing my chronic jaw pain as a gift that my life changed for the better. I literally woke up one day and said, “No matter what the Universe throws at me I’m going to be happy, even with this agonizing pain, which I will now perceive as a gift.” This was after two brain surgeries and many prescriptions that did not help. Shortly thereafter, I was contacted by a pharmaceutical company to do a nationwide city tour as a speaker to help people suffering from psoriasis. Even though I didn’t have psoriasis, I could relate to what suffering they were going through. Pain is an obstacle to intimacy because it can feel isolating, but ironically sometimes intimacy and sex can help to heal pain by creating positive feelings that translate into a mind-body connection. Looking at pain from a different prospective is one of life’s challenges that can make you stronger. In this section, my exercises include water therapy, humor therapy, animal therapy, journaling and many more easy-to-accomplish efforts that relieve the stress associated with pain such as visualizing the many aspects of your pain and breaking it down with your mind. I also offer practical ways to talk to others about your pain, which can add a whole other level of tension as you navigate family and friends while being distracted or debilitated.

Healing from toxic relationships

Toxic relationships damage our ability to thrive and allow ourselves the full spectrum of joy and pleasure. Whether it’s a domestic abuse situation that’s held us back or a co-dependent relationship that went on way too long, we feel trapped and paralyzed to move forward in the way that would benefit us the most. In this part of the course I cover all the bad habits we find ourselves in, like pandering to narcissists by “people pleasing” or staying in a marriage long after its expiration date. I have some archival videos here about how to get over a break up, and ways to process the grief that you are experiencing so that you can recover more quickly and most importantly, not repeat that toxic pattern! Not every relationship is meant to last, and some unions or friendships are sent to us to learn a lesson. It’s my job as a Love Coach to make sure that people recognize their patterns and break the cycle of toxicity.

Healing from sexual dysfunction 

Sexual dysfunction manifests in many ways for men and women. Medical issues like diabetes, hormonal deficiency like low testosterone, medication incompatibilities, chronic pain from arthritis, and emotional issues such as depression all affect sexual performance. I’ve helped men recover from erectile dysfunction by repairing their communication with their partners, and I’ve also seen women with vaginisthmus find relief through a combination of talk therapy and pelvic floor therapy. As a coach, it’s vital to refer to a medical doctor first to discover any medical conditions. Love coaching can work alongside treatment, which can be more holistically effective. This section in the healing course outlines all these topics, laying out the medical options to consider and suggesting counseling tactics to try for yourself or with your clients. Exercises for premature ejaculation, ED and many other common sexual dysfunctions empower people with these every day issues to feel like they’re not alone and there are plenty of ways to heal and enjoy sex to the fullest again.

Healing from Overwhelm

I often hear from clients that they feel “overwhelmed,” and to me, overwhelm is a sign that you’ve lost control of your life in some important way. Experiencing a loss or dealing with trauma or disability can leave you feeling overwhelmed as you move through a range of emotions. Sadness, anger, disbelief, confusion, shock, depression – these are all natural reactions to loss or abuse, but they can leave us exhausted, and unable to get on with our lives. In this section I explore the notion that these emotions are part of the healing process and that sharing them with family and friends is helpful, so that they too understand what you’re going through and hopefully empathize. When you are overwhelmed by the stresses of life and burdens of others, treat yourself kindly by setting boundaries and saying ‘No” to things that you will resent. Say “Yes” to things that will make you feel safe, happy and valued. Resist the urge to numb your emotions with drugs or alcohol or to punish yourself for your feelings of overwhelm. Practice self-care instead, focusing on your health and wellbeing.

I will write another blog about the section in this course on sexual healing because it’s a vast topic of discussion on its own, but I wanted to give you a taste of the insights and tools you can expect to find in Healing from Loss & Abuse when it becomes available at LU as part of the Certified Love Coach Program. I will also be offering this information as an e-book so stay tuned, stay sexy – and emotionally healthy!

Pheromones & Kissing

Kissing and pheromones have gone hand in hand for centuries. In fact, some findings show that kissing may have originally been an extension of smell. Animals sniff each other to find a partner for mating, and let’s face it – so do we! We’re more subtle about it now, since modern social constraints don’t allow us to walk up to someone and invade their personal space, but we’ve all experienced that heady feeling when an attractive person walks by and just smells so good. You want to get close to them and breath in their scent. It’s a primal act, one that gives us an immediate “yes” or “no” based on their body odor.

In scientific research, kissing is called “philematology” (from the ancient Greek word, philos translated as earthly love,) but I like to call it “facial Intercourse” because kissing is one of the most intimate acts for exchanging pheromone chemical signals. It’s also the easiest way to tell if you like someone’s sexual style. That’s why kissing is so crucial on a first date, because it determines whether you want to go further. It’s also why it’s so vital for committed relationships, because if you lose the desire to smell and kiss your partner, you may be drifting apart. I’ve coached many couples who say they just don’t kiss anymore and individuals who say they don’t like their partner’s smell anymore, which always makes my heart sink. As we all know, chemistry is the one component of love we can’t fake!

Here’s an interesting kissing fact for singles and couples: men’s saliva has testosterone in it, which increases sex drive for both men and women. So kissing is a great way to begin your foreplay, ensuring you are both in the mood for romance. You’ve probably heard that the olfactory senses are our most primitive and can be highly emotive when it comes to mutual attraction. Research has shown that the scent of our body, produced by our particular genetic make-up and combined with the nuances of our immune system, can influence us subconsciously in our choice of lover. More recently, the use of added pheromones has been shown to boost that attraction, and amplify its reach. I encourage my clients to try pheromone induced products because they’re safe and effective with no side effects, except possibly getting more attention.

Eye of Love After Dark Body & Ambience Spray

When it comes to setting the mood for love, you can spray your bedsheets and your body with Eye of Love’s body spray infused with pheromones, to increase arousal and turn your bedroom into a sexy boudoir. To enhance three of your senses at once; smell, sight and touch, light a pheromone infused massage candle, such as the Eye of Love Confidence Massage Candle, made with a shea butter base and other natural ingredients, this 3 in 1 candle is packed with pheromone, fragrance, and moisturizers.

You can also add flowers, incense and essential oils to enhance your sense of smell, sight and touch during foreplay. For your sense of taste, there is nothing better than kissing your lover from head to toe. For your sense of sound, whisper all the sexy things you want to do with your lover and use erotic sounds during lovemaking to let them know they are turning you on.

There are many different kinds of kisses: slow, quick, deep, wet, hard, soft and breathy. Find out what your lover is in the mood for, and whet their appetite for more. Kiss your partner passionately at least twice a day and experiment with the different kinds of kisses. Make kissing a daily ritual as it can keep the chemistry alive in your relationship.

In our digital world where many potential mates begin a connection online, chemistry is ironically more important than ever. Because you can’t smell your date over the Internet, that first meet-up now has enormous pressure. You might be physically attracted to them and like the sound of their voice, but you won’t know if there’s any chemistry until you meet.

A great flirting prop is pheromone infused jewelry, such as these lava rock bracelets and necklaces. They can make you feel more confident and if that spark is going in the right direction, the added pheromones can help the connection move a little bit faster.

Use my promo code: DRAVA to get 20% off on Eye of Love products.

30 Places To Wear Pheromones

It’s impossible to determine whether you have physical chemistry with someone or not if you only date online. The digital world disconnects us from our most primal senses, depriving us of physical interactions like hugging, eye-contact and perhaps most important of all – smelling the pheromone aroma of our potential mate.

Also distorted by online dating is the art of conversation, which is 50% body language, 40% tone of voice and only 10% content. It’s difficult to achieve that kind of connection through technology.

For these reasons, I encourage my clients to FaceTime before meeting a new date because then at least you can see his or her body language, hear their voice tone and sometimes even feel an immediate attraction. But to feel true chemistry, you need to be able to smell your date’s pheromones.

That’s why I partnered with Eye of Love, a rapidly growing pheromone brand that is spreading love around the globe. Their arousing pheromone collection is designed to help men and women become more attractive to others in any given situation from the boardroom to the bedroom. Here is a list of 30 places you can wear pheromones to give you an added social advantage and connect with others like never before.

1. Airplanes

You never know who you are going to sit next to for hours on a plane, so get the Confidence Travel Size Spray.

2. Bars

Bars are filled with people waiting for you to approach them, so feel ten times bolder with After Dark Body & Ambiance Spray.

3. Beaches

The less you wear, the more sensual you feel and when you wear Flirt Pheromone Sunscreen, you’ll get more attention than you might expect. Take a dog to the beach and double your chances of getting more attention.

4. Bookstores

Meeting someone in a book store can be enlightening, when you see what your target date is reading. Wearing a Pheromone Bead Bracelet can draw them to make the first move to connect with you.

5. Cafes

Cafés are a great meeting place anytime of the day and your best flirting prop might just be Eye of Love’s Attract Roll-On Pheromones.

6. Car Wash

Most people check out each other’s cars at the car wash, but you can check out if you have chemistry when you wear Dare Love on the Run spray pheromones.

7. Dance Clubs

Dancing is sexy and lifting up your arms when you dance releases odors that contain our own pheromones. You can also boost your sexual chemistry with Evening Delight Pheromones Parfum.

8. Flea Markets

Browsing flea market booths can be a fun social experience, so keep your eyes open for someone who you would like to get to know better. Wear some Morning Glow Pheromone Parfum Deluxe to give you the edge.

9. Art Galleries

Admiring art and meeting people who have the same hobby means you already have something in common, so why not wear a unique piece of pheromone jewelry to help you stand out. Choose from the Pheromone Dog Tag Necklace or one of the Pendant Necklaces.

10. Theatres

Before the show starts you can make eye-contact with someone you like and then see if you can find them again during intermission or afterwards. Spray yourself with some One Love Pheromone Parfum to make it easy for them to find you.

11. Health Clubs

Working out produces plenty of natural pheromones in our sweat, which is why so many people connect at gyms and health club classes. Reward yourself with the Pheromone Roll-on Set-Fierce, Rebel Charm for added incentive.

12. Jogging

Even when jogging, we omit powerful pheromones that attract or deter others, so it can’t hurt to wear some Unscented Female or Male Pheromones to attract someone new into your life.

13. Jury Duty

Jurors can spend a lot of time together, looking at each other for hours, sometimes days or weeks and you can make yourself feel more attractive by wearing a little Suave Roll-on.

14. Libraries

Not being able to talk in a library makes it tough to connect, but you can still use eye-contact, give a smile and wear some Seduce Roll-on to flirt with someone.

15. Movies

Most couples go to the movies together and it’s a great place to snuggle up to each other. If you want to keep the romance going when you get home, you can lay some Eye of Love Rose Petals on your bed.

16. Museums

Learning about new things is an aphrodisiac and so is wearing pheromone infused jewelry, available to attract men to men, women to women and men to women. I recently went to the Museum of Pop Culture in Seattle where I saw a lot of attractive single people. And I wore my Love on the Run Arouse Pheromone Spray.

17. Outdoor Festivals

A lot of people wear sunglasses outside, so it’s not always easy to make eye-contact, but you can wear some Bold Roll-on to make you feel bold enough to give someone a compliment and see if they smile or respond to you verbally.

18. Parks

If you have a dog, it’s a great flirting prop to meet other dog owners and lovers. Wear some Enchant Roll-on Pheromones and go up to someone you’re attracted to and say, “My dog wants to meet your dog,” or “What’s your dog’s name?”

19. Parties

There’s no better place to wear your pheromones than at a party where everyone is open to meeting new people. I recommend wearing the Evening Delight Pheromone Parfum.

20. Restaurants

If you are going out for dinner with your partner and want to seduce them afterwards, you can have the After Dark Massage Candle ready for a sensual massage experience they will never forget.

21. Reunions

Reunions can cause anxiety about how people will respond to you after not seeing them for a long time, so pamper yourself with the After Dark Gift Set and take a warm bath before you go to your reunion, so that you look relaxed and smell divine.

22. Seminars

Find seminars on relationships, business or health and wellbeing to meet like-minded people. Spray some Confidence Pheromone Body & Ambiance Spray on your body, your room and bed sheets to make you feel more confident.

23. Shopping Malls

Why not go shopping for clothes and for a partner at the same time? You can when you wear pheromones, such as the Excite Roll-on to enhance your sexual magnetism.

24. Singles Events

This is definitely the perfect place to use the help of pheromones to enhance your sex appeal. With the intention of attracting a partner with pheromones, I’ve found that the pheromone infused jewelry works the best and it’s unique enough to get compliments. So see if you like the gold or silver colored Double Drop Necklace or Dog Tag and spray it liberally.

25. Supermarkets

We all go shopping for food, but quite often we don’t look our best. So, when we bump into someone we know or see someone we’re attracted to, it can be upsetting. My advice is to make sure you do look presentable enough to feel good about yourself and wear some Fierce Pheromone Cologne to make you feel more self-assured.

26. Trade Shows

There are so many great trade shows including car shows, electronics and even trade shows with the latest sex toys for adults. All are great places to meet new people and when you wear Flirt Pheromone Parfum, you are ready to engage in flirty conversations.

27. Vacations

If you are going on vacation with your partner, don’t forget to be seductive by taking some pheromone products with you to spice up your sex life.
Synthetic rose petals are perfect to set the mood and environment. They are unscented so you can choose a matching ambiance spray to go with it! Dim the lights and create a sexy mood with 150 reusable rose petals that come in red, silver, gold and black.

28. Volunteer Work

Meeting people at a charity is a great way to find someone who has the same values as you do. You may want to wear Unscented Pheromones that are powerful enough to attract people to you and make interacting more comfortable.

29. Walking

Whether you are walking with a group, with friends or on your own, the roll-on applicator of Love on the Run Seduce on each wrist can make you feel more empowered, more alert and free to make small talk with strangers.

30. Weddings

Whether you are attending a wedding with your significant other or going solo, wearing pheromones can help attract positive attention and treatment from other people. Feeling attractive and like you’re someone people are naturally drawn to boosts confidence and is a wonderful feeling that can be enhanced with Eye of Love Confidence Pheromone Cologne Deluxe.

Confidence Cologne

You should know that Eye of Love uses only the finest quality pheromones that are pure and bioidentical. All their products are vegan and cruelty free.

Whether you’re working, playing, or just being intimate, we can all use an “added edge” to enhance relationships and achieve social goals. Eye of Love can help you achieve your desire, so be prepared to “Awaken your Senses…!” Get your pheromones with 20% off by using the promo code: DRAVA

Top 10 Unique Father’s Day Gift Ideas

It’s that time of the year where you want to show your dad how much you love him or your partner what a great dad he is, but finding the right gift for him on Father’s Day can be a difficult task and time is running out. Luckily, I’ve done some leg work for you by finding some of the most unique gifts that are memorable for every kind of dad and for every price point to fit into your budget.

1. Nautica carry-on suitcase

This is a great gift for the Dad who likes to travel. And who doesn’t love a good, dependable piece of luggage? Nautica’s suitcase is sturdy with spinner wheels making it easy to roll and it’s small enough to carry on a plane. It’s also a great gift from Dad’s partner who wants to travel with him, so putting some naughty lingerie inside the suitcase is the perfect hint that you want to go on a romantic trip together. $100.00.

2. So Bad, They’re Good Dad Jokes

All Dad’s love it when you laugh at their jokes, but are you tired of hearing the same old jokes that make you want to cringe? Don’t despair because I’ve found you the perfect gift and it’s affordable too. This dad joke book also makes a great gift for the dad who has everything and has heard everything. $5.99

3. Eye of Love

If you want to let your man know that he’s a sexy dad, then how about giving him the After Dark Gift Set from Eye of Love, the pheromone experts? It will get him in the mood for romance as this sexy kit contains a massage candle, rose petals and ambiance spray. Tell him that you want to give him a sensual massage and he will never forget this Father’s Day gift. $49.00 and 20% off with promo code DRAVA

4. Deluxe Fantasy Door Swing Black

If you want to experience more adventurous lovemaking, then this is the most unique Father’s Day gift for your man from the Sexpert catalog. You can turn any ordinary door in your home into a love swing in just minutes with this incredible Deluxe Fantasy Door Swing. Enjoy positions you never thought were possible and do it all with ease, thanks to the padded seat cradle, comfortable stirrups and perfectly placed leverage handles. The deluxe swing requires no permanent installation or expensive tools and holds up to 300 pounds. $50.39.

5. What I Love About Dad fill-in-the-blanks book

Every dad wants to be appreciated and this custom book is perfect for you to share all the wonderful qualities that you love about him on Father’s Day. Just watch him light up as he reads your compliments. Be sure to give him mental, physical and emotional compliments! Dad ends up with a personalized book that’s a heartfelt keepsake. $16.90

6. The Gift of DNA

Give Dad the perfect gift of 125+ personalized reports on his health, traits and his ancestry, from 23andMe. DNA kits do more than just tell him about which countries his family is from — they also help build surprising connections and help him understand his roots more. He can share, compare and discover more with family by tracing his DNA through the genetic similarities and differences between you and other family members. Ancestry service $99.00 or Health + Ancestry $149.00

7. My Father Poem Personalized Keepsake

Show your love and appreciation for Dad in a creative and sentimental way with this exclusive My Father Poem Personalized Keepsake. Choose from 7 unique Father Poems or personalize your own! The skillful, reverse-laser engraving process provides a stunning transparent mirage, creating a magnificent loving memento for display. End with your own loving sentiment and name(s) to create a truly unique keepsake he’ll treasure always! This is a very special gift for a very special man that will last forever. $24.49

8. DAD Photo Collage Personalized Coffee Mug

Get creative and personalize a mug for your dad that he will want to drink from every day. Choose 4 photos and write 4 lines of loving messages. The DAD Photo Collage Personalized Coffee Mug features “DAD” spelled out across the front surrounded by aqua, pink and orange blocked design. The mug is microwave safe and dishwasher safe that makes it a perfect gift for Father’s Day that won’t break the bank. $10.99.

9. Personalized Men’s Leather Wallet

This is a perfect gift for the Dad who is hard to shop for as it can be personally engraved for him with his name and a personal message that will make him smile every time he looks at it. This men’s leather wallet is stylish with many practical compartments to fit everything he needs and it will last him for many years. He will think of you every time he uses it. $39.99.

10. Wine Country Picnic Pack

This picnic pack is a great Father’s Day present that the whole family can use to spend more quality time together. Or it can be for romantic picnics at concerts, on the beach or even in your bed. Just add your favorite foods with wine or beverages and enjoy dining together or feeding each other.
In The Box
• Waxed Canvas Adventure Wine Tote
• 2 Stemless Acrylic Wine Glasses
• 1 Wine Bottle Stopper
• 1 Folding Corkscrew
• 1 Cutting Board with Extendable Legs
• Wine Pocket Wine Journal
• 5 Wine Stain Removal Towelettes $77.99.

Father’s Day is a great excuse to honor the man in your life with a holiday that is all his own, so that he doesn’t feel obligated to buy you a gift. Pamper him and surprise him with one of these 10 memorable, fun, sexy gifts from above.

If you already have something for him for Father’s Day, these gifts work for any occasion including birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day and holidays!

The Big Difference Between Male & Female Pheromones

Are male and female pheromones different? The short answer is yes. I’m watching closely to see what new studies emerge in the world of science and sex, as experiments with human pheromones are still in their early stages. But the burgeoning market for scents that attract is making scientists curious to explain sexual “chemistry” with lab results. Ultimately, we’re all searching for that great-smelling individual who makes us feel sexy!

The big difference between male and female pheromones is that men secrete Androstenol, and women produce Copulin and Estratetraenol. We know there’s an olfactory component to sexual attraction in which these two pheromones are involved, because we all experience that sexy “I just love his (or her) smell” feeling when we fall in love (or lust.) The animal testing seems to bear out our impulses, and human studies are very much underway as scientists attempt to catch up with the blooming pheromone perfume market whose results are hard to deny.

Eye of Love’s Confidence collection for men
Use code: DRAVA to get 20% off!

I want to clear up some confusion about the male pheromone Androstenol, which frequently gets confused with Androstenone. Androstenol is the scent produced by fresh male sweat, while Androstenone is present in male sweat after being exposed to oxygen, which almost all women agree is not an attractive smell.* If you’ve ever cleaned out a man’s gym bag and gagged, you know what I’m talking about. So just a note to men that unless you can guarantee a ‘fresh’ sweat at all times, it’s better to just keep up your personal hygiene. And try Eye of Love’s Confidence scented pheromones with a musky blend of honey, jasmine, vanilla and citrus.

Eye of Love’s Morning Glow pheromone perfume for women
Use code: DRAVA to get 20% off!

As for women attracting men, the copulins women emit are “a mixture of five volatile fatty acids secreted vaginally, [which] increase in concentration during the [fertile] phase…” In one Williams and Jacobson study, men exposed to copulins exhibited an increase in testosterone, behaved less cooperatively with other males, found female faces to be more attractive in general, and rated their own attractiveness as 21% higher than the control group.** If that’s not proof that pheromones create sexual chemistry, I don’t know what is.

SPF 30 phermone-infused sunscreen

Use code: DRAVA to get 20% off!

Another study by Wen Zhou in China found that heterosexual men exposed to the pheromone Estratetraenol were more likely to identify androgynous figures as female. The pheromone did not work on gay women however, but gay men did respond similarly to heterosexual women when it came to exposure to Androstenol.*** Women have many fragrances to choose from for pheromone-infused products including the Morning Glow blend of apple blossom, freesia and violets. Or since summer is around the corner, try some pheromone-infused sunscreen!

To give you a little more background, there are four types of pheromones in both men and women. Signalers provide specific information about an individual, allowing mothers to identify their own babies for example, Modulators affect mood and emotion, Primers are involved in longterm endocrine development, and Releasers elicit an immediate, specific behavioral response. It’s the Releasers that have become the rock stars of the pheromone world, being made into alluring perfumes to create sexual attraction, and Androstenone, Copulin and Estratetraenol are releaser pheromones.

Erika Jordan, Love Coach & Virtual Sexpert

So, it’s safe to say that pheromones harvested for creating human attraction have a positive effect. But there are other factors involved when you’re in the competitive business of dating in the twenty-first century. Let’s say you’ve sprayed yourself with Androstenone and women are getting the scent. Do they know it’s coming from you? I would suggest it’s also important to polish your confidence and small talk skills to increase your chances of standing out in the crowd, even if they are initially attracted to your smell. What’s the point of creating arousal in a woman if you’re not the one who ultimately grabs her attention? Consider a dating coach or a course such as Erika Jordan’s The Art of Pickup.

Erika is a graduate of LU and loves wearing Eye of Love pheromone infused jewelry so much that she made this video. She says that wearing the black pendant got her even more attention!

Even if you don’t want to attract a romantic partner, it can help you to get more attention in business as well, by creating a charismatic pull toward you that makes people want to be in your orbit and agree with things that you suggest. In my opinion, one of the biggest compliments you can receive is “I love the way you smell.”

Use my discount code DRAVA when you visit Eye of Love to get 20% off your purchase.

* SIRC – The Smell Report

** Effect of Copulins on Rating of Female Attractiveness, Mate-Guarding, and Self-Perceived Sexual Desirability, Evolutionary Psychology, Megan N. Williams, Amy Jacobson

*** Human Sexual Responses Boosted by Bodily Scents, Scientific American, Daisy Yuhas

From Abuse to Control – An Excerpt from #ReclaimingMe Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

Excerpt from Dr. Ava Cadell’s upcoming book: #ReclaimingMe – Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

In order to free yourself of the burden of your sexual abuse, you need to tell someone who won’t judge you in any way. You want to be in a safe space to tell your story, which means you need to be sure that the person you tell can be trusted to keep your information confidential, if that’s what you want. You also need to be confident that he or she will treat you with the utmost respect while you’re sharing your story and describing the details of your suffering. Chances are you’ve already been judging yourself, blaming yourself and wondering why the abuse happened to you. Let the self-blame stop here, with the first person you tell. But, how can you determine who is the right person for you to tell?

Ask yourself these questions about the person you are considering talking to:


¬ Is he or she an empathetic person?


Tarana Burke, the founder of the “Me Too” movement, believes that empathy is the answer to the epidemic of sexual abuse. Empathy cuts to the chase, it gets right to the heart of what a survivor needs, which is the understanding of a fellow human being. The good news is that most people are capable of empathy and compassion.


¬ Is he or she a trustworthy person?


If you are alone with no family or friends who you trust, you could consider approaching a trusted member of the community, such as a teacher, a pastor or a police officer. You might also consider calling a crisis hotline. Hotline operators are trained to be nonjudgmental, compassionate listeners.


¬ Has this person supported you before?


If you’re lucky enough to already have a supportive friend or family member in your life who has already been there for you reliably in other ways, that’s a good sign he or she is the right person to approach.

Many survivors have a difficult time articulating what happened to them, as we’ve seen time and time again in the “Me Too” stories, where quite often the victim is realizing for the first time that the sexual encounter they had was actually abuse. In their minds, they had “normalized” the act of abuse, and yet definitely did not give their consent and couldn’t wait for it to be over. Obviously “waiting for it to be over” is not descriptive of a healthy sexual event, but it can be confusing to be confronted by someone who “wants you” so much that they’re willing to ignore your hesitation. It can feel flattering to be wanted so urgently, and oddly “mean” not to just give this person what they want. However, the after effect of abuse is generally some kind of self-destructive behavior, such as overeating that can lead to massive weight gain.

In my experience, this is a common reaction to abuse, and I’ve seen it again and again. This kind of self-sabotage can also occur after traumatic emotional events within an intimate relationship, like cheating, for example. It’s one of the many “I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again” strategies that our minds create as a defense mechanism.

Control Chart

One technique to combat self-sabotaging behavior like overeating is my Control Chart. It’s a simple two-column list of things that you have control over and things that you do not have control over. The chart helps in two ways. By looking at the list of things you do have control over, you gain an immediate sense of empowerment, a wedge of light piercing the out-of-control darkness. By looking at the list of things you don’t have control over, you are putting a name to the unknown and disorienting factors in your life. By naming the specific ways in which you feel helpless or adrift without recourse, you can begin to examine them, pull them apart and discover where you might be able to either gain some control back, or allow yourself to let go and move on.

You can brainstorm on these ideas with a therapist, family member or even a friend you trust. The Control Chart increases your potential to heal by bringing you face to face with your limitations. For one of my past clients, who we will refer to as Mindy, her Control Chart looked something like this:

Control Chart Sample

Things I Can Control

  • Choosing to be positive
  • My eating habits
  • Rewarding myself
  • Accepting dates
  • Having fun
  • Having or not having sex
  • Giving love
  • Receiving love

Things I Can’t Control

  • That I was violated
  • That violence is still a threat
  • Other people’s perceptions
  • How I might feel after sex with someone new
  • Having things in common with others
  • Other people’s baggage

Mindy couldn’t control the future, but the stranglehold she was putting on her own happiness was unsustainable. She was doing her best to control everything in her life, but ironically was losing herself along the way. We looked at the chart together and examined some of the items on the lists. One that caught her attention was that she had no control over other people’s perception of her. With our new insight into her sudden weight gain, she realized that she’d been subconsciously guarding against any unwanted advances from men. But the truth was, she actually had no control whatsoever of what any man might think of her no matter what she looked like, whether she gained a hundred more pounds, or lost all her extra weight.

Mindy almost started laughing when she realized that her attempts to control other people’s views of her were completely futile. She described that moment of discovery as liberating. After all, if you can’t control what other people think of the way you look, you may as well look the way you want, right? Instinctively, she knew that she couldn’t allow this past violent incident to ruin her life by letting it determine her health habits. But without any self-examination tools, it didn’t seem possible for her to act any other way. A simple inventory of control allowed us to steer her in the direction of healing.

Again, the lesson here is that healing begins when you reach out and talk about it.

Reinvent Your Inner Strength – Excerpt from #ReclaimingMe: Loving Solutions for Sexual Healing

It takes a lot of guts to live through traumatic sexual abuse, so I want to congratulate you on your healing journey. You are reinventing your inner strength so that you can get back everything that was robbed from you by your aggressor. It takes time to do the work, identifying your issues, pinpointing your triggers, and replacing negative attitudes with ones that serve you better and align with a positive, fulfilling life.

Reinventing your inner strength starts with remembering who you are. Your true authentic self can be accessed through art therapy, using exercises that are both easy and fun.

Self-Portrait

Choose art materials and a medium that appeal to you, whether it’s charcoal pencils, pencil crayons, paints or markers, paper or canvas. Find a comfortable place to work, where you can allow yourself to get messy. Think about who you are at your core, what you most want to express, and begin to create. There is no one judging or grading this work of art. This is only for you. When you are finished, you have the added option of writing down a description of the work, and writing journal entries on what came up for you while thinking about yourself. Self-portraits are often helpful in putting a physical manifestation to your thoughts and feelings.

Feelings

This is my favorite art exercise that I’ve done with friends and clients to help them to get in touch with their feelings and discover what can make them feel fulfilled. Take three pieces of blank paper and write number 1 on the first one, then draw how you feel right now. It can be an abstract, words, numbers, symbols, realism or anything that you think describes how you are feeling at this very moment.

Be spontaneous and don’t spend more than five minutes to complete the picture. Then take another piece of paper and write number 2 on it and draw how you would like to feel if everything was perfect in your life. Again, be as spontaneous as you can. Finally, take the last sheet of paper and write number 3 on it and this time, draw your biggest obstacle or challenge that is preventing you from getting to number 2. Then spread all the drawing out in front of you and look at the three feelings that you have drawn to describe your life now, your life as you want it to be and what is stopping you from getting there. This exercise can provoke deep emotions as well as epiphanies to help you to heal. For example, one of my clients drew an apple with a bite taken out of it for her number one, a whole apple for number 2 and a heart to symbolize love for number 3. When I asked her to define her feelings through her art, she said that she felt like a piece of her was taken away and she wanted to feel whole, but giving and receiving love was stopping her from reaching that ultimate goal of wholeness that would make her feel happy.

Vision Board

Vision boards are a wonderful way to project positivity onto your future and open yourself to new vistas and options. To do this exercise, you will need a poster board, magazines, scissors, glue, pen and paper. Use the pen and paper to make a list of things you’d like to see in your future, and then create them visually with cut out images from magazines. This could be anything from a happy family sitting down together for a meal, or a safe workplace that you would love to go to everyday. You don’t have to limit yourself in any way. Have you always wanted a house by the beach? Go ahead and put that on there! This is the time to imagine yourself in the future doing exactly what you want to do to, resulting in maximum joy. There are no limits to the blissful fulfillment that you can imagine for yourself and eventually experience in your life.

Read more about my upcoming book here.

Artwork by Pablo Soloman

How To Use Pheromones To Attract

The first stage in a new relationship is based on fascination. It’s that heady time during which we give off chemical signals that result in the infamous “spark” that lights up all of our senses. I’ve teamed up with Eye of Love to create beautiful jewelry that is designed to be infused with their high quality pheromones, giving you an advantage in the fascination arena.

Get 25% off your pheromone induced jewelry with my promo code DRAVA

Under the spell of fascination, we might be tempted to do things outside our normal behavior, because the feelings inspired by the new possibilities of romance are exciting and fun.

You don’t need an exotic car if you have pheromone-infused jewelry.

It’s like putting on a new pair of designer shoes for the first time. You love the way you look and you can’t wait to wear them again and again. Or it’s like test-driving an exotic sports car. Turning on its engine turns you on as you drive around the block a few times, running through the gears to see if it’s a keeper.

Amp Up Your Radar

Eye of Love pheromone-infused dog tag necklace and bracelet.

Here’s a tip for singles: Wear one of Eye of Love’s pheromone jewelry designs – a pendant necklace, dog tag necklace, a two layer necklace or a simple bracelet made with black lava rock. Black lava rock is one of the oldest and most abundant stones in the world, and it possesses energetic qualities and a porous surface that absorbs pheromone perfume beautifully. When sprayed with pheromones, it acts as a fragrance diffuser that becomes a powerful attracting force worn close to the skin. It’s also a great flirting prop! You’ll see how people will be motivated to approach you, and how it affects your charisma once you begin a conversation.

During this introductory fascination phase of a relationship, we play, and carefully reveal various parts of our personality, testing the waters, looking for signs that it’s okay to lower our guard enough to move into the next romantic phase.

Eye of Love pheromone perfume bottle with two-tiered necklace and bracelet.

When we fascinate someone, we attract him or her, and they want to meet us, date us, make love to us and cease to think of anything else. People want to connect with us and when they do, they’re more likely to “fall in love” with us! We are all familiar with the feelings this fascination can ignite, but what exactly is this spark and where does it come from?

One scientific explanation is that pheromones, the chemical signals released by humans that send subconscious messages regarding physical attraction are drawing us together. Dr. Ivanka Savic of the Karolinska Institute found that the hormone-like smells “turn on” the brain’s hypothalamus, which is normally not activated by regular odors. This is a very important finding because it identifies the stimulation of a specific area of the brain that is known to modify emotions, hormones, reproduction and sexual behavior. This can trigger curiosity in the brain as it works to comprehend these changes, thereby generating fascination with the person responsible for the internal shift.

Did you know that 80% of a person’s initial impression of a potential mate is non-verbal? Yes, we can be fascinating without saying a word! The messages sent to others are communicated by posture and facial expression, which are universal. A smile is an open door of approval in any language, whereas crossed arms are a signal of unapproachability.

Single people need to be aware of their fascinating qualities because it creates a starting point for finding a mate. By projecting an attractive image (and I don’t mean looks!) we create options for meeting potential partners. Our unique qualities are our calling card for inviting fascination. For instance, if being health conscious is a strong quality, then time spent at a gym, yoga class, health food restaurant or health expo can create more opportunities for romantic introductions. There’s nothing more attractive than a confident person who owns their strengths, and you have the tools to project this image – they’re all in your head right now! Use your positive attitude and confident body language to send out the signals of interest, amplifying your fascination radar and inviting conversation. Then allow the pheromones to boost your attraction even more. It’s not rocket-science, but it is scientific.

Eye of Love pheromone jewelry can give you an extra edge and you’ll get plenty of compliments when you wear one of the bracelets or necklaces,
Remember to use my code DRAVA for 25% discount on any style you desire.

https://www.eyeoflove.com/pheromone-jewelry/

Partner Boat Pose – Sexycises Couples Yoga

In this yoga pose video, Kayna Cassard and Dominick Cole demonstrate Partner Boat Pose – a fun Level Three pose that encourages intimacy, connection and playful fun. Yoga is a wonderful way to connect physically, emotionally and sexually, and I developed this program to give couples an easy way to use the power of touch.

Learn more about SEXYCISES at www.sexycises.com and find my entire program “Sexycises by Sexperts: Yin Yang Yoga for intimacy” for sale or rent at: https://vimeo.com/ondemand/sexycises

Boat Pose description: In Partner Boat Pose Kayna and Dominick are holding hands as they bring the soles of their feet together. They then begin to extend the legs straight, pointing upward. Throughout this pose, Kayna and Dominic work at keeping their backs straight by leading with their heart chakra.

About Kayna Cassard: As an LMFT, Kayna’s areas of specialty include sexual difficulties, sexually compulsive behaviors, and gender or sexual identity issues. She hosts Acro Yoga Play & Intimacy Skills Therapeutic Workshops where she teaches communication and using body connection and breath to experience healthy intimacy.

About Dominick Cole: Dominick is a renowned Acroyoga expert and teacher with therapeutic workshops that focus on healing through movement as well as play & intimacy skills. His workshops use the components of acroyoga as a vehicle for participants to discover new ways to experience trust.

10 Hot Home Valentine’s Date Ideas

Instead of making a reservation at a crowded restaurant with an overpriced set menu and bad service, you can stay home and have the best Valentine’s date ever! You’ll have more privacy for limitless romance, intimacy and eroticism, not to mention the time and money you’ll save by avoiding one of the busiest nights of the year out on the town. Here are my most memorable Valentine’s Day activities loved by many of my clients who have successful relationships, deep intimacy and fulfilling sex lives.

1. On Screen Kiss

Reenact your favorite kissing scenes from movies with your lover. Whether it’s from A Star is Born, Crazy Rich Asians, Pirates of the Caribbean, Closer, Twilight, The Notebook, Mulholland Drive, or Ghost, this could be the perfect way to create a kissing sensation that surpasses your expectations.

2. Sensational Senses

Find 5 items that enhance and heighten all 5 of each of your senses, so 10 items total. For the sense of sight, you can get fresh cut flowers or lingerie. For the sense of smell, use scented candles or incense. For sound, play romantic music or use wind chimes. The sense of taste can be enhanced with chocolates or fresh fruit and the sense of touch can be heightened by the use of feathers or massage oil. If you both choose the same thing for one of the senses, the first one to exchange it with something else gets their sensual massage first.

3. Love Foods

Food and sex are two of the greatest pleasures known to mankind and both appetites need to be fulfilled. Seduction foods heighten your arousal level even more, and can boost your sex drive to spice up your sex life. Take turns feeding each other slowly, licking each other’s fingers sensuously.

4. Body Art

Turn your lover’s body into a canvas! Paint a scene on any part of your lover’s body with food (fun foods for body painting include chocolate sauce, whipped cream, peanut butter, jam, syrup, honey, and all kinds of berries), and if they guess what it is you can you eat it off. If they can’t guess what it is, then you must continue to paint until they can describe your artistic masterpiece.

5. Hide the Honey

Decide who is going to be the hider and who is going to be the seeker. The hider will be the receiver of pleasure lying naked on the bed while the seeker will put on a blindfold. The hider must hide a dab of honey somewhere on their body and their lover must find it without using their hands.

6. Intimate Sex Talk

Begin a fantasy by creating your wildest scenario and then letting your lover add on to it. Take turns creating the additional sensual scenes until it ends in a climax! If you’re at a loss about how to get started, try using these phrases and fill in the blanks:
It feels so good when you touch my_____________.
Your _______is beautiful. I want you to_______________my________.
I love your______________.
My_____________ is so______________.
______me in the________.
You are so_______________.

7. Hands-Free Massage

A ‘hands-free’ massage is the ultimate erotic touch using your body instead of your hands! Both of you start by covering your bodies with massage oil. Then one of you gets on top of the other and slides up and down, side to side or in circular motions using your breath, hair, nose, lips, chin, elbows, forearms, nipples, pelvis, anything but your hands until one or both of you experience a happy ending!

8. Role-Playing Fantasies

One partner plays the doctor or nurse and the other is the patient who lays on the examination table and shows parts of his or her body that need more attention. The good doctor or nurse does whatever is needed to make sure their patient leaves happy.

9. Bags of Kink

Take two bags and fill each of them with as many different power play items as you can. One bag is for bondage restraints such as belts, neckties and scarves. The other bag is for discipline items such as a ruler, a spatula or clothes pegs. The more items you add to each bag, the better and the winner is he or she who can use everything from both bags to stimulate their lover.

For more sensual playtime ideas, check out my Sexy Little Book of Sex Games

10. Sexycises

Sexycises by Sexperts: Yin Yang Yoga For Intimacy is a love-changing video guide for couples to rekindle passion, deepen intimacy or just have fun together. Here are descriptions of the three sexycises in this photo:

Have a Ball

Sex Therapist Dr. Hernando Chaves sits onto the stability ball and guides Love Coach Erika Jordan to mount him by placing one leg on either side of his lap. Sitting face to face creates intimacy and closeness by allowing for the ability to synchronize your breath, connect with eye gazing, passionate kissing, and sweet caresses.

Double Trouble

Sex Therapist Dr. Amie Harwick and Love Coach Christina Engelhardt reach their left arm forward as they hinge from the hips towards their pointing toe, at the same time lifting their back arm up towards the sky. To make this pose more erotic, you can slide your hands along your partner’s body.

Sexy Backpack

Standing back to back, Acroyoga expert Dominic Cole links his arms underneath Sex Therapist Kayna Cassard’s to enable her to open her chest and heart chakra. As He hinges forward, Kayna relaxes her body and allows herself to be lifted off the ground into a supported backbend. Rent or buy the Sexycises video filled with demonstrations of couples yoga to enhance your intimate connection.

Finally, just because you are spending Valentine’s Day at home, it’s no excuse to forget the all-important card and gift. Since you’ll be saving money by not going out, you can splurge on a great gift or gourmet takeout for a picnic in bed.