Thursday, February 22, 2024

Welcome to Loveology University: Higher Learning & Wellness Retreat

From Buddhist Temple to Loveology University

The property was the Pine Mountain Buddhist Temple Retreat for the past 23 years, known for Zen Meditation in the Ventura County Mountains of Southern California.

The residents were two Buddhist Monks, Reverend Phoebe and Reverend Seikai who made this place a labor of love by opening their home for Buddhist Teachings, Meditation Workshops and Buddhist Festivals. As soon as I met them, I felt an immediate mind, body, soul connection. When they shared their desire to move to a smaller place, I knew that this magnificent land with mountains, an abundance of trees, flowers and Buddha statues would be perfect for my Loveology Retreat! The monks left their cats Ivy and Marley for me to take care of and for them to continue living at the only home they’ve ever had.

Retreat Services

You can come here to study for your Certified Love Coach training, enjoy scenic hiking trails, relax through holistic services such as massage and water therapy, focus on love, peace and happiness through yoga and meditation, practice self-love through healing workshops, boost intimacy or connect with your family at this 45-acre paradise.

Sacred Monument

This sacred Stupa statue is a pinnacle that you must see to believe. Many believe that circumambulating a Stupa purifies negative karma and fosters realizations of the path to enlightenment. When you enter the monument, you should bow to the Buddha inside the Stupa and walk around it clockwise — an experience that can prove meditative for Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike.

Buddhist Temple

It’s important for me to maintain the integrity of the Buddhist Temple property, so I have left the Meditation room the same as when the Monks lived here. I told them that they are welcome at any time that they wish to have a Meditation Retreat.

Renovations to Retreat

The renovations include a Recreation Room with gym equipment for adults and games for kids and teens. Outdoor Yoga and Meditation under a Pergola, a Swimming Pool, Obstacle Course, Children’s Playground with Trampoline. For dining, we will have a BBQ and a Pizza Oven, as well as healthy vegan dishes to enjoy under beautiful Sunsets. Accommodation will also be available in houses or caravans, so stay tuned for more photos and our opening event party.

He Secretly Dresses Up In Women’s Clothing, But He’s Not Gay

Some men like to wear pretty things, women’s things, not because they are gay or want to be a woman but it is a sexual turn on for them.

It is a turn on to be in women’s clothing, they love women so much that they want to feel what it is like to be dressed as one.

Cross-dressing, gender confusion, homosexuality, heterosexuality, likes the feel of woman’s clothing, a fetish how does one put a label on this?

There is a population of men that like to wear women’s panties, bra’s, and even clothing but they are very much attracted to women, so much so that they love to feel what it is like to be a woman or be closer to a woman. Unlike cross-dressing the turn on for them is that the woman is turned on by him wearing the panties, bra or lingerie. He may also like her to tell him what to do or treat him as her pet, ask him to serve her while dressed in the feminine clothing.

For many men that wear women’s clothing or are turned on by it, the unfortunate part about it is some men find themselves confused about their sexuality. They may wonder if they are gay, or perhaps have a gender issue…..

As a clinical sexologist in my private practice working with men has given me a better understanding of how to help them. Each man has his own unique idea of why it turns him on and to the extent that he dresses up or wears women’s clothing. Many times an incident may have happened while going through puberty that will set the “fetish” in motion. Some similarities do occur in many of the men that have spoken to me about their past and growing up. Most of the men reported to me that they were surrounded by females, sisters, cousins, aunts and strong mother figures, where dad may not have been around that often or not at all. The sisters and even mother may have dressed up the boy once in a while or play dress up and tease him (but that is not the defining factor). He also may have watched from the side lines as his sister, mother, aunt got ready for dates dressing up. How they were excited about changing outfits, the bright colors, sexy lingerie, makeup and getting ready.

 

The Gender Code: Gender & Sexuality Documentary by Luka

The Gender Code: A New Documentary On Gender On Youtube

The Gender Code is a new documentary on gender and sexuality by filmmaker and artist, Luka. Luka is a 29 year old trans activist and visionary from Ireland, who identifies as gender feminine, and who has spent the past 6 years creating this documentary that examines gender and sexuality in a different way than what is culturally defined in today’s society. Luka created the film: writing, directing, animating, producing and appearing in it; which is an amazing accomplishment for one person, to create a film almost 2 hours long that is so professionally produced, visually and intellectually compelling.

The film is very beautifully animated and artistic, which makes it a pleasure to watch. But, more importantly is the subject matter it explores, from the POV of trans, feminine, non-binary and gender-fluid people. There are many interviews, historical news footage covering the GLBTQ+ history and movements, as well as some disturbing flashes of trans-phobia and gender violence. Yet, the ending is very powerful, and visualizes a hopeful new paradigm of gender fluidity beyond what we recognize in today’s culture that is inclusive, and embraces both our inner and outer masculine and feminine qualities on a dynamic spectrum that humanity can embrace.

“There is an expanding culture of people emerging, who for the first time in history are starting to have the resources to explore their identities (transgender, fluid, non- binary, etc.) Effectively and more recently, a huge number of men are exploring their attraction to us. The reality is we have very limited language, education or precedents to understand or navigate people’s identities and preferences.

The Gender Code is a documentary animated and created by me over a period of years, that looks at the bigger picture of gender and sexuality through my understanding and observations.”–Luka, filmmaker: The Gender Code

Watch the Entire Film

The Gender Code is divided into 7 parts:

  • Introduction: 00:00 (General introduction on the film and my experiences)
  • “Our Present” 7:33 (How we view gender and sexuality today)
  • “Our Past” ” 13:40 ( 20th century queer history up-to today)
  • “Gender and Sexuality” 32:23 (An introduction to the diversity of gender and sexuality)
  • “Change” : 56:04 (Answers and the science behind the reasons for misunderstanding)
  • “The Spectrum” : 1:16:57 (An in depth conclusion and breakdown with interviews with the cast)
  • “The Future” : 1:45:07 (A look at the powerful possibilities of the future)

Our Language for Exploring Gender is Limited

The Gender Code- film still

“The reality is we have very limited language, education or precedents to understand or navigate people’s identities and preferences. Everyday I check my mail or my Grindr account receiving a shocking amount of messages from men who say they are discovering trans girls / feminine males, and they can’t openly acknowledge this. A lot of times this shame turns to them sexually objectifying us. This invisibility, and lack of education is extremely painful and urgent. I will do anything to get my message out there. It is my dream to start a conversation and bring education to the invisible.”

We Are at the Start of a Revolution

“I really believe that all human beings have the ability to love someone of the same sex, and that gender can take many forms. Humanity is more of a spectrum, rather than gay or straight. We’ve been divided by an illusion of “Gay and Straight” and there is a lot of lost potential. Our current language is outdated and was written a long time ago by people who may not have had the reality of everyone in mind. People are crying out for a regeneration of thinking. I really feel we are at the very early stages of a revolution.”

The Gender Code Takes a Fresh Look at Gender Diversity

The Gender Code- film still

“Looking at our past, present and our future, The Gender Code acts as a map to help navigate this emerging reality. It’s an intensely researched, non biased, guide of the bigger picture of gender and sexuality through my experiences and observations. I would like to think it takes a fresh unique look at the entire reality of what we know as LGBTQ and brings things into a 21st century perspective, departing from traditional oppressive thinking and effectively expanding everyone’s potential.”

“Through my observations and research (and intense it was!) I’ve come to the conclusion that most of societies ideas, customs and rhetoric are passed down from an outdated and superstitious space, lacking scientific and feminine or (yang) consciousness.”

“I found many hypocritical and unfair realities and entities that I wanted to bring into the light, the main one being that the theory of sexuality and gender, is, in my research and understanding actually, a 20th century myth based on feminine and masculine polarity within the left and right cerebral hemispheres of the brain.”–From an interview with Luka at GCN News.

Gender Dysphoria or Cultural Dysphoria?

“I’m Luka, I’m the person in the video, I’m 28 years old, I am gender feminine, (meaning my gender feelings and expressions are on the more feminine side of the spectrum. My biological sex is male and I am proud and ok with that. I don’t feel I have dysphoria with my genitals, rather I have dysphoria with society’s outdated customs and expectations of what / how and who people should all dress behave and love, based on our biological sex. (whether we have an innie or an outie, should not define our life paths!)”

All images and quite by Luka, creator of The Gender Code.

Video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zph7H-O0d5w

Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/lukakeating/

About the Film- https://filmfreeway.com/TheGenderCode

Born This Way? Are People Born Gay?

I read this very interesting book called, “Not Gay Sex Between Straight White Men”. It is written by Jane Ward and she researches the sexual fluidity of straight identifying white men.

Anyways, the discussion of is someone born gay comes up often. Ward gets into the argument that yes, people are born gay and she explains this viewpoint with a political lense. It all makes sense. If someone is born gay and does not choose to be gay, you can’t convert someone to be straight or in other words “cure” homosexuality, just like you can not cure being black or Asian. It’s just who you are. Personally I have a hard time believing you are born to be the sexual identity you are.

I am speaking from my own personal experience about my bisexual identity. This is my opinion. I have no scientific research or data to back my opinion.

Photo by Joshua Mcknight from Pexels

Now that we got the disclaimer out of the way, I discovered my capability to have sexual attraction when I was 12 years old. I remember the moment vividly. I get embarrassed thinking about it but I discovered that my cock was used for more than just peeing when I was dry humping a pillow. As a kid it just felt really good! When I came I was super nervous. I was like, “fuck, I pissed the bed. My parents are going to kill me!”

But it was just cum. I was blown away.

As time progressed and I began watching porn my sexual interests were in penetrative vaginal sex between a woman and a man. It’s what aroused me; it was what I was into. I do not recall my first exposure to homosexuality, but I do recall seeing transwomen and transvestite porn. I did not think much of it and what it meant to my sexuality. I honestly thought it was just hot sex between a man and a woman, a woman that just happens to have a cock. It was hot! I did not think of it being gay or straight. I was just turned on by penetrative sex regardless if it was vaginal, anal, between opposite sexes, same sexes or trans people.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

By the time I turned 20 I found my sexual attraction to men. I was turned on by being penetrated, giving oral sex to men. Most of my sexual attractions were purely sexual. I was very much still romantically attracted to women. Still to this day I am primarily romantically attracted to women, although I have become more open minded to being romantically attracted to men.

But was I born this way? I do not think so.

My life experiences and exposure to what is out on the internet has lead me to my bisexual identity. My first non-heternormative attraction wasn’t until I was 16. I do not have an issue with those claiming they were born gay or born queer. People are totally valid feeling that way. I just do not believe everyone is born with a predetermined sexual orientation and gender identity.

For me I self-discovered I was bisexual and gender-fluid.

Misgendered: Not Complimented

This butterfly is gender fluid and called gynandromorphs which are the organisms showing both female and male characteristics. The term is derived from the Greek words (gyne = woman; aner = man and morphe = form).

Gender Fluidity

It has taken me time to discover my gender fluid identity. Gender fluid is defined as denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender. There is a mix or fluctuation of genders. At times someone who identifies as gender fluid may feel more one gender than another.

I definitely feel and express my fluidity. Being a drag queen I am able to explore and cross the lines of gender. During my self exploration I have found that she/her pronouns are more comfortable, although I do use he/him pronouns when I am out of drag.

Figures merge female to male

Misgendering Someone is NOT Okay

I write this now because I just want to make it known what is not complementary and that it is not okay to misgender someone.

Compliments or remarks such as:

  • You have a nice ass for a guy.
  • Crossdressing men like you mess me up in a good way.
  • Using masculine identifiers such as bro, guys, or dude when I’m in drag.
  • You look good for a guy.
  • I’m not gay but you look so hot dressed up.
  • When are you transitioning?
  • You’re young, things change.
  • I’m not gay, but tgirls with cocks turn me on.
  • Try hiding your Adam’s apple.
  • Stop tricking people that you’re a woman.
  • I don’t care what you are. You have a dick. You’re a man.
  • You only dress to attract men.

I’m sure there is more I can add to the list but those are common compliments/ignorant remarks from people.

I am Often Misgendered

I am often misgendered for being a man that plays dress up or as a trans woman.

I do not care for any masculine references when I am in drag. To me, it is insulting. It often has the connotation that I am obviously not a woman, and that my femininity is not valid. Not that I am a woman, but people do not respect my feminine appearance.

I also still do not understand why everyone who is not homosexual uses the word gay negatively. I am not gay but, or ew that’s gay.

One you do not have to be homosexual to be complementary of someone who is of the same sex as you. Two it’s not a bad thing to be homosexual. It’s not gross. I dislike when people have to justify their heterosexuality by beginning a thought with, I’m not gay but…

I do understand the confusion at times when people think I am a trans woman. But one thing we should not do is assume. I have no interest in transitioning. I am not a tgirl.

I understand that I am young but my youth is not defining that I will change overnight in regards to my gender identity. Turning 24 years young today, I am certain. It is not okay to tell someone that, oh you will change or make assumptions about a future change. Just in general, do not make assumptions about anyone.

Lastly, I want to make it known that I do not do drag to trick men into thinking I am a woman nor to please men’s misogynistic beliefs that femininity and presenting feminine beauty is for men.

I do drag for me.

It makes me feel good. I am able to express myself with my drag and through drag is where I ultimately discovered my gender fluid identity. I fully know I have an Adam’s apple. I know that I expose my “man chest” and pad my hips at the same time. I do it because it makes me feel good.

Do not flatter yourselves boys. The age where feminine beauty is used for your sole pleasure and enjoyment is over.

My purpose in writing this is to make it a little clearer about my gender identity. I take this opportunity not to rant or tell people what they are doing wrong. I want this to be educational. Not enough conversation happens in regard to gender identity.

Just know, I am gender fluid. I use she/her pronouns primarily but am okay with he/him pronouns when I am out of drag. Masculine references to my drag are not complementary. Do not assume and misgender me for being male, trans nor female. I am fluid, I fluctuate.

Remember, one individual can not be representative of a whole. Just because I identify as gender fluid does not mean someone else who identifies as gender fluid is the same as me.

Labels Beyond Gay and Straight

Photo by Tim Samuel from Pexels

Defining Sexuality

The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.

Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk

The Difference Between Sex and Gender

There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.

What is Intersex?

Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.

Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels

What is Gender versus Gender Identity?

Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.

Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.

 

What is Transgender?

The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.

How to Ask About People’s Pronouns

So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!

LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns

So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.

Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.

Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.


Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.

Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.

S/M Drag–The Untraditional Drag Queen

SM Drag

I was reading Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy’s book, “The New Bottoming Book” and I came across a term (S/M drag) that almost perfectly describes what drag means to me as a kinky/sexual person. 

What is S/M Drag?

Easton and Hardy exposed me to the term S/M drag. They define S/M drag as “a word that implies bringing out an alternate persona – to call forth any inner self who plays a role in our fantasies, we can wear the costume to help us become the character”.

I identify very well with this quote on the basis of what drag does for me for a scene. In general drag to me very much resonates with the famous words of Rupaul, “Drag doesn’t cover who you are, it reveals who you are.” My drag brings out more of my personality, the extrovert in me, the smiling easygoing queen that you want to have a drink and kiki with. I am very personable and outgoing out of drag, but drag elevates me. Drag is like armor that makes you feel powerful and simply put, a fierce bitch.

BDSM Binary

Back to S/M drag. What I wear for a scene very much implies what role I am playing. I identify as a switch, with a preference for bottoming. But, I feel more dominant than submissive.

Well, that throws a wrench in the BDSM binary?

I thoroughly enjoy bottoming, in other words having things done to me, but with my personality I feel very dominant. There are those out there that will make me snap to my submissive side quickly and I absolutely adore those partners that have that capability. To feel more on my dominant or submissive side, I dress the part.

S/M Drag–Shes Got the Look

If I have a scene negotiated and planned where I would be bottoming and submitting to my top, I may wear white, pink, my chastity device, soft makeup or heels. If I have a scene negotiated where I would be topping and dominant, I may wear my thigh high boots, black and dark makeup. 

The look very much influences my role as a BDSM player. It sets my mood. My drag was born out of my interests in kink and BDSM. A very untraditional birth since most drag queens are born on a stage guided potentially by a drag mother. My drag birth happened in a dungeon getting pegged while in chastity. 

BDSM Inspires My Drag

BDSM inspires my drag and my drag inspires my BDSM scenes. For example, I would love to perform Lovegame by Lady Gaga on stage with a partner. Throughout the lip sync I would have my partner collared and on a leash with an occasional smack with my riding crop. Another example, I fantasize about being in drag as a housewife with a Mistress, and fulfilling the roles of a housewife. 

I love my untraditional drag. It makes me feel unique. Maybe my BDSM charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent is CUNT enough to get me on Drag Race! Although I am unsure of how well Ru would receive an audition tape of me bound to a St. Andrews cross getting whipped with a dragon tail!

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Am I Bisexual? My First Ever Girl-Girl Bisexual Experience

Am I Bisexual

For as long as I can remember I’ve had sexual fantasies about women. Even as a teenage virgin I would fantasize about lesbian sex, or threesomes with a girl and a guy. They were hot, but I never labelled myself as bisexual. Mainly, despite my many fantasies, the occasional flirtation with gay girls, and a couple of drunken kisses with my friends, I had never been even close to being with a woman.

Did I Miss Out?

I got into a long-term relationship with a guy when I was 21. I had no idea that when I met him that I would end up marrying him. And that those few years before I met him would be all the time I had to experiment. Had I missed out? Should I have had more sex with men, been with a girl, maybe had a threesome before I settled down? Maybe so.

The fantasies didn’t stop just because I was married, but it wasn’t something I dwelled on or really talked about with anyone. Maybe in a healthier relationship it could have been something we discussed, and it could have been hot to experiment together. But that wasn’t an option for us. I know he would have been shocked and would not have reacted well if I told him I wanted to experiment with girls, or even have a threesome which for many guys would be their number 1 fantasy.

No-One Knows I’m A Lesbian

bisexualWhen a friend picked out a T-shirt for me when out shopping with the slogan ‘No one knows I’m a lesbian’ I found it funny. How did she know? Maybe she just sensed it.

My marriage fell apart in my early thirties. And I finally found myself free to do whatever I wanted again. I could see who I wanted, have sex with who I wanted, and I felt liberated. However, when I started dating again it was still only with men. I would occasionally switch the settings on tinder to show me both men and women, and I would look at the profiles of girls near me. But I didn’t have the confidence to swipe right.

I guess I was nervous. As a teenager I was very shy and pretty useless around men. Most of my sexual experiences had been awkward or I was drunk. But now I was much more confident in myself, and having plenty of great sex with men. With women I felt like I was starting over. Would I do it right? Would I like the taste of pussy? Would they be able to tell I’d never done it before? And for a while I suppose I found it easier to stick to what I knew I was good at.

I was tempted by offers of threesomes by kinky couples, but never quite had the courage to go through with it. I would go to gay bars with friends, and chat away to queer girls, some of whom were in open relationships with guys, and their lifestyle appealed to me. But nothing sexual ever happened. I began to wonder if I was just bi-curious and if I would ever actually have to confidence to just go for it.

Am I Bisexual? Butterflies In My Stomach

I’d been single about 18 months by the time I eventually matched with any girls on tinder. Just as with guys, I would chat a bit but often nothing would come from it. When I finally set up a meeting with Sarah in a cocktail bar, I got butterflies in my stomach. I was really doing this.

Sarah seemed the perfect match for me. She was bi-sexual and in a relationship with a guy. But he was cool with her seeing women. I was hesitant to date girls who wanted a relationship as I wasn’t sure what I wanted and didn’t want to lead anyone on. I had no idea what was in store for our first date, but I shaved everything, just in case!

I waited nervously in the bar, I’d bought her a drink, she was late. I wondered for a minute if I was going to be stood up. But 20 minutes later she rushed through the doors flustered and apologizing. She was cute. The conversation seemed to flow, and it was nice. I was quite new in town and hadn’t many girlfriends. If anything, hopefully I could just make a friend. I wasn’t sure exactly how to tell if she fancied me, or how this could progress to something else. But when she leaned over and brushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, I felt a little rush of chemistry.

Hookup in the Ladies Bathroom

Shortly after she said she needed the toilet and asked if I wanted to go with her. I wasn’t sure if she just wanted some girly company or if she had something naughtier in mind. But I agreed. The bar was fancy and the toilets were downstairs in the basement. Dark, and beautifully styled, with flowers between the washbasins, it wasn’t the usual gross public restroom you encounter, it was quite sexy. I could tell by now that she definitely was into me, and after 3 or 4 drinks I was relaxed enough to just got for it.

Once the restroom was empty, she kissed me. It felt strange kissing someone so much shorter than me! It was a great kiss, and I kissed her back pushing her up against the washbasins. But then she took charge and took my hand, taking me into one of the stalls and locking the door. She told me to sit, which I did, and she pulled down my panties…

I totally hadn’t expected my first bisexual experience to be sex in a public restroom! But it was so hot! Although having to be quiet when others came in was a struggle. So, a few days later I invited her around my place so we could do our thing without holding back. Needless to say, the worries that I had beforehand were totally unfounded.

Am I Bisexual?

Am I BisexualAm I bisexual? Yes. It’s not something I feel I need to tell everybody about. Each person’s journey is different and I still don’t really feel the need to label myself or ‘come out’ to every person I meet. However, if anyone asks, I’m totally open about it and happy to share my experiences.

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Do you wonder, “Am I bisexual?”. Visit the Biresource for more bisexual resources.

“Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It may also be defined as romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity, which is also known as pansexuality.”Wikipedia

Queer Sex Education: The Problem With Sex Education

Photo by Charles Deluvio

Queer sex education is often left out whenever we discuss sexual health, sex positivity and well, sex in general. We all know that traditional sex education is failing us all, but the LGBTQ youth in particular are disproportionately affected by this knowledge gap. It’s ignorant of the social realities and personal concerns that queers deal with about identity, their bodies, pleasure, and relationships.

While we are definitely moving forward with more and more people speaking out about issues that concern the LGBTQ community as a whole, not a lot of people know how to start talking about queer sex, especially to teens who are just starting starting to explore themselves.

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch

The Problem with Sex Ed As We Know It

Traditional sex education has always had its roots in attempting to prevent pregnancy through abstinence and employing scare tactics. Though it has inched its way towards relative progress over the years through its inclusion of contraceptives, it still focuses on sex involving one penis and one vagina, when in fact there are a myriad of sexual experiences that don’t just revolve around this heteronormative act.

This is rooted in the misconception that sexuality is inexplicably tied to our bodies. Our notions of biology, bodies, and sexual health are informed by cultural norms more than we care to realize. Plus, the empirical nature of science helps legitimize these unfounded assumptions as absolute truth. This makes sex education a complicated topic to even begin talking about, let alone inclusively teach.

Sadly, bias is the reality of sex education as we know it. This fundamental misunderstanding of sexuality erases, stigmatizes, and in some cases, demonizes the queer community. When you omit important information about queer sex and queer identities, you are essentially invalidating the experiences of LGBTQ youth, making them feel rejected and not worthy of the chance to decide about sex and their sexualities.

If sex education is structured around misinformation and prejudice, it ultimately creates a public health issue for everyone, queer or not. Not to mention that it has a dangerously adverse impact on the lives of LGBTQ youth. Leaving them out of chances to learn how to have sex safely pushes them towards risky situations without the proper foundations, leaving them more vulnerable to negative sexual health outcomes. These include higher transmission rates of sexually transmitted diseases like HIV and higher risks of sex and dating violence.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon

What does a Queer Sex Education look like?

The short answer is that it’s inclusive, encouraging, and judgment-free. This means expanding the pool of knowledge about sexual health and making it easily available to LGBTQ youth from all walks of life, while maintaining an affirmative environment where they’re free to explore themselves sexually in a safe and healthy way. If the sex education of the past fixated on abstinence, queer sex education must have acceptance at its core.

While sex positivity may shed a light on queer sex, this vague encouragement doesn’t necessarily lead to deeper insights, and this spells trouble when creating resources for queer sex education. Not everyone has the same experiences or relationship with sex, so the journey isn’t the same for everyone and neither is the destination.

Related Read: Hello I’m Gay–Coming Out Again… And Again…

We have to treat queer sex education like a public health issue so we can operationalize frameworks that empower the LGBTQ youth to decide what they think about sex, how they want to have sex, and who they want to have sex with. And sometimes, that means not having sex at all.

Aside from providing more complete information about healthcare options for all the many ways to have sex, queer sex education should also include discussions on sexual orientation and gender identity. This will not only help questioning teens take steps to figure themselves out, but also encourage an attitude of acceptance for all teens of any SOGIE (straight allies included!).

Photo by Retha Ferguson

Queer sex education isn’t just about sex. It’s about starting open and honest conversations that are more inclusive of everyone’s experiences. When you do this, you give more teens an opportunity to form healthy relationships with their sexual and romantic partners, with sex, their own bodies, and most importantly, themselves.

I am a Bisexual Queen: Bisexual Problems & Bi-Erasure

Bisexuality Erasure

I am a Bisexual Gender-Fluid Drag Queen

Hello friends! My name is Miss Colleen. I am a gender-fluid bisexual drag queen and I today want to talk about my bisexuality, as well as issues that bisexuals face, including bi-erasure.

How I Found Out I Was Bisexual

Miss Colleen

Author: Miss Colleen

I found that I was bi-curious when I was 20 years old. I was attracted to women ever since I hit puberty, but at 20 my curiosity about being sexual with men was strong and I would get aroused at the idea of having sex with men.

Not too long after had my first sexual experience with a man, I was left with doubts about if I really liked it or not. I was overwhelmed and needed time to digest how I felt. Months later I tried again and had a new experience with someone else and found that I do enjoy sex with men.

But I still had a really strong attraction to women. I did some soul searching and at times I was struggling with insecurity and anxiety but once I began to love myself and accept who I am I became proud to be bisexual and I came out to the world about my bisexuality and my drag!

I am primarily sexually and romantically attracted to women. I have never had a relationship with a man before and I am not really sure if that is something I want in my life? Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted and I am sure if I came across the right guy that made me feel that way, I would happily be in a relationship. What troubles me about having a relationship with a man is my primary sexual attraction to women. I feel there would have to be an open relationship to satisfy my desires to be with women. 

Bisexuality is a Phase–A Common Myth

A common belief about bisexuality is that it’s a phase, that eventually someone who is bisexual will either lean to either heterosexual or homosexual, even though studies show that bisexuals make up more than 50% of the LGBTQ+ community.

Bisexuals Bi Majority Infographic

From GLAAD: 13 Things You Didn’t Know About Being Bisexual

I have been told this a few times in my life. I remember being out in drag one night and explaining my bisexuality to someone. They told me along the lines that I was confused, that I was embarrassed that I liked men and that I would eventually become gay.

I feel most people are not as accepting of bisexual people because we do not fit into a binary. I have heard stories about bisexual people not being accepted by gay communities or straight communities.

From my personal experience, I am happy to say I am very accepted and loved in my local gay and drag communities. But ever since I came out, I lost most of my straight friends. Even nowadays, when I go to a local bar or club, not in drag, with my straight friends I have not felt comfortable. I worry about doing or saying the wrong thing, about being too queer, I feel like I constantly second guess myself. I feel more comfortable being among my queer friends and community, in or out of drag. I feel more vibrant and my energy is higher.

My only wish is to build a bisexual+ community locally. I am hoping with my advocacy for bisexual people will help create a local bi+ community!

Bisexual Erasure (Bi-Erasure) –The Stigma Bisexuals Face

Bi-Erasure

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Bi-Erasure: “Bisexuals experience high rates of being ignored, discriminated against, demonized, or rendered invisible by both the heterosexual world and the lesbian and gay communities. Often, the entire sexual orientation is branded as invalid, immoral, or irrelevant. Despite years of activism and the largest population within the LGBT community, the needs of bisexuals still go unaddressed and their very existence is still called into question. This erasure has serious consequences on bisexuals’ health, economic well-being, and funding for bi organizations and programs.” —from Biresource.org, Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations (PDF)

A stigma bisexuals face is bisexual erasure (Bi-Erasure). People are misconceived that bisexuality simply does not exist yet bisexual people make up the majority of the LGBTQ+ population here in America. This is why it is so important to me to be visible. People go out of their way to make bisexuals feel unvalidated or unaccepted.

Bisexuals are least likely to be out of the closet because of the general doubt that people are not truly bisexual. My hopes and dreams in being visible and out there is to help those that are questioning their bisexuality and have insecurity about themselves, to give my example to see and make others feel validated and that they deserved to be accepted and loved!

Bi-Erasure is critical to the reduction of resources and support bisexuals need. According to the Bisexual Resource Center, bisexuals have higher rates of anxiety, depression and other mood disorders compared to heterosexuals and homosexuals. Bisexuals also have a higher rate of heart disease, cancer risk factors and STI diagnoses.

I have personally dealt with anxiety and insecurity about being bisexual. My biggest insecurity is finding love with women. I dated a cisgender woman for two years. Among other issues, I decided to break up with her. She was not accepting or supporting of my bisexuality. We have talked numerous times about having an open relationship but there were limits to that open relationship that did not benefit me from having an open relationship.

I absolutely adored being in a relationship and having someone that was there for me for whatever I needed. But at the same time the no support of my bisexuality, which makes up a huge piece of me, hurt. This anxiety comes and goes and I do my best to implement by best self-care techniques to work through any anxiety issues.

Bisexual Men and HIV

bisexual men and HIV

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon

There is also little to no accurate information or research on bisexual men and HIV. National reporting standards only distinguish between gay men and straight men. Bisexual men are grouped together with gay men, as another form of Bi-Erasure. This makes gaining accurate information about bisexual men difficult. The lack of accurate information further deepens the stigma bisexuals face.

Going back to my past relationship, my ex stigmatized me when it came to hooking up with men. She did not trust that I would play safely and if I were to have sex with men I would without a doubt give her a disease. Their is no concrete research or data about bisexual men and HIV/STIs. I do hope in the future more research and studies will be coordinated with bisexual men to end the stigma.

Why We Need More Conversations About Bisexuality

Bi-Erasure

From sexualalpha.com

Talking about bisexuals can help save lives. This is why I share my bisexuality and am open and honest not only to myself about who I am and what I do, but to others as well. We can fight the stigma and Bi-Erasure by having open and honest conversation about who we are as bisexual people.

Self acceptance, talking about our sexual interests, practicing safe sex and communicating with your partners. All these things can help people better understand bisexuality and acknowledge that bisexuality is not a phase and that bisexual people do exist.

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Featured Photo by Marta Branco

Sources:

  1. Bisexual Men Aren’t ‘Spreading HIV’. https://www.hivplusmag.com/stigma/2014/10/06/are-bisexual-men-missing-hiv-link-or-pure-myth 
  2. Mental health Biphobia Brochure. BiResource.Org. http://biresource.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Mental_Health_Biphobia_Brochure.pdf