Sunday, February 16, 2025

He Secretly Dresses Up In Women’s Clothing, But He’s Not Gay

He Secretly Dresses Up In Women’s Clothing, But He’s Not Gay

Some men like to wear pretty things, women’s things, not because they are gay or want to be a woman but it is a sexual turn on for them.

It is a turn on to be in women’s clothing, they love women so much that they want to feel what it is like to be dressed as one.

Cross-dressing, gender confusion, homosexuality, heterosexuality, likes the feel of woman’s clothing, a fetish how does one put a label on this?

There is a population of men that like to wear women’s panties, bra’s, and even clothing but they are very much attracted to women, so much so that they love to feel what it is like to be a woman or be closer to a woman. Unlike cross-dressing the turn on for them is that the woman is turned on by him wearing the panties, bra or lingerie. He may also like her to tell him what to do or treat him as her pet, ask him to serve her while dressed in the feminine clothing.

For many men that wear women’s clothing or are turned on by it, the unfortunate part about it is some men find themselves confused about their sexuality. They may wonder if they are gay, or perhaps have a gender issue…..

As a clinical sexologist in my private practice working with men has given me a better understanding of how to help them. Each man has his own unique idea of why it turns him on and to the extent that he dresses up or wears women’s clothing. Many times an incident may have happened while going through puberty that will set the “fetish” in motion. Some similarities do occur in many of the men that have spoken to me about their past and growing up.

Most of the men reported to me that they were surrounded by females, sisters, cousins, aunts and strong mother figures, where dad may not have been around that often or not at all. The sisters and even mother may have dressed up the boy once in a while or play dress up and tease him (but that is not the defining factor). He also may have watched from the side lines as his sister, mother, aunt got ready for dates dressing up. How they were excited about changing outfits, the bright colors, sexy lingerie, makeup and getting ready.

 

Born This Way? Are People Born Gay?

I read this very interesting book called, “Not Gay Sex Between Straight White Men”. It is written by Jane Ward and she researches the sexual fluidity of straight identifying white men.

Anyways, the discussion of is someone born gay comes up often. Ward gets into the argument that yes, people are born gay and she explains this viewpoint with a political lense. It all makes sense. If someone is born gay and does not choose to be gay, you can’t convert someone to be straight or in other words “cure” homosexuality, just like you can not cure being black or Asian. It’s just who you are. Personally I have a hard time believing you are born to be the sexual identity you are.

I am speaking from my own personal experience about my bisexual identity. This is my opinion. I have no scientific research or data to back my opinion.

Photo by Joshua Mcknight from Pexels

Now that we got the disclaimer out of the way, I discovered my capability to have sexual attraction when I was 12 years old. I remember the moment vividly. I get embarrassed thinking about it but I discovered that my cock was used for more than just peeing when I was dry humping a pillow. As a kid it just felt really good! When I came I was super nervous. I was like, “fuck, I pissed the bed. My parents are going to kill me!”

But it was just cum. I was blown away.

As time progressed and I began watching porn my sexual interests were in penetrative vaginal sex between a woman and a man. It’s what aroused me; it was what I was into. I do not recall my first exposure to homosexuality, but I do recall seeing transwomen and transvestite porn. I did not think much of it and what it meant to my sexuality. I honestly thought it was just hot sex between a man and a woman, a woman that just happens to have a cock. It was hot! I did not think of it being gay or straight. I was just turned on by penetrative sex regardless if it was vaginal, anal, between opposite sexes, same sexes or trans people.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

By the time I turned 20 I found my sexual attraction to men. I was turned on by being penetrated, giving oral sex to men. Most of my sexual attractions were purely sexual. I was very much still romantically attracted to women. Still to this day I am primarily romantically attracted to women, although I have become more open minded to being romantically attracted to men.

But was I born this way? I do not think so.

My life experiences and exposure to what is out on the internet has lead me to my bisexual identity. My first non-heternormative attraction wasn’t until I was 16. I do not have an issue with those claiming they were born gay or born queer. People are totally valid feeling that way. I just do not believe everyone is born with a predetermined sexual orientation and gender identity.

For me I self-discovered I was bisexual and gender-fluid.

Misgendered: Not Complimented

This butterfly is gender fluid and called gynandromorphs which are the organisms showing both female and male characteristics. The term is derived from the Greek words (gyne = woman; aner = man and morphe = form).

Gender Fluidity

It has taken me time to discover my gender fluid identity. Gender fluid is defined as denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender. There is a mix or fluctuation of genders. At times someone who identifies as gender fluid may feel more one gender than another.

I definitely feel and express my fluidity. Being a drag queen I am able to explore and cross the lines of gender. During my self exploration I have found that she/her pronouns are more comfortable, although I do use he/him pronouns when I am out of drag.

Figures merge female to male

Misgendering Someone is NOT Okay

I write this now because I just want to make it known what is not complementary and that it is not okay to misgender someone.

Compliments or remarks such as:

  • You have a nice ass for a guy.
  • Crossdressing men like you mess me up in a good way.
  • Using masculine identifiers such as bro, guys, or dude when I’m in drag.
  • You look good for a guy.
  • I’m not gay but you look so hot dressed up.
  • When are you transitioning?
  • You’re young, things change.
  • I’m not gay, but tgirls with cocks turn me on.
  • Try hiding your Adam’s apple.
  • Stop tricking people that you’re a woman.
  • I don’t care what you are. You have a dick. You’re a man.
  • You only dress to attract men.

I’m sure there is more I can add to the list but those are common compliments/ignorant remarks from people.

I am Often Misgendered

I am often misgendered for being a man that plays dress up or as a trans woman.

I do not care for any masculine references when I am in drag. To me, it is insulting. It often has the connotation that I am obviously not a woman, and that my femininity is not valid. Not that I am a woman, but people do not respect my feminine appearance.

I also still do not understand why everyone who is not homosexual uses the word gay negatively. I am not gay but, or ew that’s gay.

One you do not have to be homosexual to be complementary of someone who is of the same sex as you. Two it’s not a bad thing to be homosexual. It’s not gross. I dislike when people have to justify their heterosexuality by beginning a thought with, I’m not gay but…

I do understand the confusion at times when people think I am a trans woman. But one thing we should not do is assume. I have no interest in transitioning. I am not a tgirl.

I understand that I am young but my youth is not defining that I will change overnight in regards to my gender identity. Turning 24 years young today, I am certain. It is not okay to tell someone that, oh you will change or make assumptions about a future change. Just in general, do not make assumptions about anyone.

Lastly, I want to make it known that I do not do drag to trick men into thinking I am a woman nor to please men’s misogynistic beliefs that femininity and presenting feminine beauty is for men.

I do drag for me.

It makes me feel good. I am able to express myself with my drag and through drag is where I ultimately discovered my gender fluid identity. I fully know I have an Adam’s apple. I know that I expose my “man chest” and pad my hips at the same time. I do it because it makes me feel good.

Do not flatter yourselves boys. The age where feminine beauty is used for your sole pleasure and enjoyment is over.

My purpose in writing this is to make it a little clearer about my gender identity. I take this opportunity not to rant or tell people what they are doing wrong. I want this to be educational. Not enough conversation happens in regard to gender identity.

Just know, I am gender fluid. I use she/her pronouns primarily but am okay with he/him pronouns when I am out of drag. Masculine references to my drag are not complementary. Do not assume and misgender me for being male, trans nor female. I am fluid, I fluctuate.

Remember, one individual can not be representative of a whole. Just because I identify as gender fluid does not mean someone else who identifies as gender fluid is the same as me.

Labels Beyond Gay and Straight

Photo by Tim Samuel from Pexels

Defining Sexuality

The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.

Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk

The Difference Between Sex and Gender

There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.

What is Intersex?

Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.

Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels

What is Gender versus Gender Identity?

Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.

Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.

 

What is Transgender?

The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.

How to Ask About People’s Pronouns

So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!

LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns

So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.

Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.

Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.


Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.

Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.

Am I Bisexual? My First Ever Girl-Girl Bisexual Experience

Am I Bisexual

For as long as I can remember I’ve had sexual fantasies about women. Even as a teenage virgin I would fantasize about lesbian sex, or threesomes with a girl and a guy. They were hot, but I never labelled myself as bisexual. Mainly, despite my many fantasies, the occasional flirtation with gay girls, and a couple of drunken kisses with my friends, I had never been even close to being with a woman.

Did I Miss Out?

I got into a long-term relationship with a guy when I was 21. I had no idea that when I met him that I would end up marrying him. And that those few years before I met him would be all the time I had to experiment. Had I missed out? Should I have had more sex with men, been with a girl, maybe had a threesome before I settled down? Maybe so.

The fantasies didn’t stop just because I was married, but it wasn’t something I dwelled on or really talked about with anyone. Maybe in a healthier relationship it could have been something we discussed, and it could have been hot to experiment together. But that wasn’t an option for us. I know he would have been shocked and would not have reacted well if I told him I wanted to experiment with girls, or even have a threesome which for many guys would be their number 1 fantasy.

No-One Knows I’m A Lesbian

bisexualWhen a friend picked out a T-shirt for me when out shopping with the slogan ‘No one knows I’m a lesbian’ I found it funny. How did she know? Maybe she just sensed it.

My marriage fell apart in my early thirties. And I finally found myself free to do whatever I wanted again. I could see who I wanted, have sex with who I wanted, and I felt liberated. However, when I started dating again it was still only with men. I would occasionally switch the settings on tinder to show me both men and women, and I would look at the profiles of girls near me. But I didn’t have the confidence to swipe right.

I guess I was nervous. As a teenager I was very shy and pretty useless around men. Most of my sexual experiences had been awkward or I was drunk. But now I was much more confident in myself, and having plenty of great sex with men. With women I felt like I was starting over. Would I do it right? Would I like the taste of pussy? Would they be able to tell I’d never done it before? And for a while I suppose I found it easier to stick to what I knew I was good at.

I was tempted by offers of threesomes by kinky couples, but never quite had the courage to go through with it. I would go to gay bars with friends, and chat away to queer girls, some of whom were in open relationships with guys, and their lifestyle appealed to me. But nothing sexual ever happened. I began to wonder if I was just bi-curious and if I would ever actually have to confidence to just go for it.

Am I Bisexual? Butterflies In My Stomach

I’d been single about 18 months by the time I eventually matched with any girls on tinder. Just as with guys, I would chat a bit but often nothing would come from it. When I finally set up a meeting with Sarah in a cocktail bar, I got butterflies in my stomach. I was really doing this.

Sarah seemed the perfect match for me. She was bi-sexual and in a relationship with a guy. But he was cool with her seeing women. I was hesitant to date girls who wanted a relationship as I wasn’t sure what I wanted and didn’t want to lead anyone on. I had no idea what was in store for our first date, but I shaved everything, just in case!

I waited nervously in the bar, I’d bought her a drink, she was late. I wondered for a minute if I was going to be stood up. But 20 minutes later she rushed through the doors flustered and apologizing. She was cute. The conversation seemed to flow, and it was nice. I was quite new in town and hadn’t many girlfriends. If anything, hopefully I could just make a friend. I wasn’t sure exactly how to tell if she fancied me, or how this could progress to something else. But when she leaned over and brushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, I felt a little rush of chemistry.

Hookup in the Ladies Bathroom

Shortly after she said she needed the toilet and asked if I wanted to go with her. I wasn’t sure if she just wanted some girly company or if she had something naughtier in mind. But I agreed. The bar was fancy and the toilets were downstairs in the basement. Dark, and beautifully styled, with flowers between the washbasins, it wasn’t the usual gross public restroom you encounter, it was quite sexy. I could tell by now that she definitely was into me, and after 3 or 4 drinks I was relaxed enough to just got for it.

Once the restroom was empty, she kissed me. It felt strange kissing someone so much shorter than me! It was a great kiss, and I kissed her back pushing her up against the washbasins. But then she took charge and took my hand, taking me into one of the stalls and locking the door. She told me to sit, which I did, and she pulled down my panties…

I totally hadn’t expected my first bisexual experience to be sex in a public restroom! But it was so hot! Although having to be quiet when others came in was a struggle. So, a few days later I invited her around my place so we could do our thing without holding back. Needless to say, the worries that I had beforehand were totally unfounded.

Am I Bisexual?

Am I BisexualAm I bisexual? Yes. It’s not something I feel I need to tell everybody about. Each person’s journey is different and I still don’t really feel the need to label myself or ‘come out’ to every person I meet. However, if anyone asks, I’m totally open about it and happy to share my experiences.

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Do you wonder, “Am I bisexual?”. Visit the Biresource for more bisexual resources.

“Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It may also be defined as romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity, which is also known as pansexuality.”Wikipedia

Hello I’m Gay–Coming Out Again… And Again…

We talk about coming out as if it’s something you only do once.  In my experience it’s an ongoing part of life. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it makes my stomach flutter.

I first came out as a lesbian 30 years ago when I was still in college.  Initially I was very careful about whom I shared this tender information with.  In 1985 being gay felt both like being part of a special club and living in a freak show.

Over time, I widened the circle of people that I told.  Sometimes I was praised for being courageous and other times I was treated with contempt or confusion.  One of the more memorable responses to my coming out was when my sister-in-law’s 60-year-old mother said, while we were cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “I’ve seen that on the Phil Donahue show, but never met one before.”

In 1991, my partner Rinda and I had a service of commitment in our Unitarian Universalist Church.  Most of our family members came, and as far as I was concerned I was out to the world. It was a done deal.

Little did I know that becoming a lesbian parent would force me to be out in whole new way.  It started at the birth in the hospital where I had to justify my relationship with my own child at every change of shift.  Some nurses were tickled pink to be working with an ‘alternative’ family.  But others were confused, offended, or outright hostile.  Looking back, I wonder how well I explained the situation–sleep deprived as I was.

At restaurants, waitresses would casually ask, “Who’s her mother?” Rinda and I would stare at each other, unprepared at first. Eventually we learned to say, “We both are. We’re a couple.”

“Who’s her real mother?” often came next.

“We both are. But Rinda’s her birth mom, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

By the time we had two kids, with the same donor but two different birth moms, the story of our how our family came to be was often more than we wanted to convey to a casual inquiry before ordering drinks. And yet, we wanted our children to hear us talk easily about our family structure and learn how to explain it themselves.  Their experience of having two moms was nearly invisible in popular culture.  We wanted to make it a source of pride, and not shame.

So I learned to say enough without saying too much.   And I learned to uncover what I was really being asked. And I learned when to give a ten-second explanation and when to have a longer conversation. And I learned to let our children take the lead as they grew older. And I learned to say the word ‘wife.’

I never expected to be a wife or have a wife, but now I am one and I have one.  It’s turned out to be the best thing ever, because that single word conveys so much, so clearly.  Without any further explanation, total strangers understand my relationship to Rinda. “Girlfriend,” “partner,” “life mate” require more sentences to be certain that I’m being understood.  But “wife” is completely clear.

The federal legal recognition that came last year brought more ease and clarity to my life than I had expected.  After all, we’d been married in our hearts and souls since 1991.  And our marriage was recognized in the state of California. What could a federal blessing of our marriage give us that we didn’t already have?

It turns out, a lot. Now that we were ‘out’ to the federal government, when we got a mortgage we knew how to hold title.  In the past we had long conversations with the title company; and all of us were just making a guess about the best way for us to hold title as a couple that was legally married in California, but not at the federal level.

We only have to fill out one joint federal tax return, which can be used for our state return.  For many years our accountant did a joint federal tax return so he could do a joint state return, and then he did an individual return for each of us.  We paid a lot of money for those extra returns.

When I fill out our Federal Financial Aid forms for college, I don’t have to leave out a parent.  In the past I felt like I was holding back information, but there was no way to represent our reality because federal tax returns (the basis for the form) did not recognize both parents.  I even called to make sure I was doing it right.  The woman on the phone was kind, but told me that the financial aid form simply did not include a way to represent the reality of our family.

Changing laws is important to creating the just, multicultural society the U.S. Constitution promises.  Changing hearts and minds is equally important in making that dream a reality.  As we make these changes, our coming out stories change as well.

I’m part of a Facebook group for queer moms.  Lately there has been a string of posts from women about their experiences with hospitals.  The common theme is that they start out ready to fight to have “our family” recognized in Utah, or a in Catholic hospital.  But instead they are met with respect, joy, and clarity about filling in birth certificates, NICU visitation privileges, or being called Mom.  Those stories bring tears to my eyes. Wow!  The pace of change of beautiful.  And yet the moral arc of the universe doesn’t easily bend toward justice.  There are always steps backwards.

My favorite coming out moments are the ones that shine a light on my own prejudices.  The times I was met with love and respect from the very people I had been taught would hate me filled my heart with grace.  The military officer who told me that part of his duty was to stand with gay and lesbian service people who were being drummed out of the service because of their sexual orientation. 

My 80-year-old, devoutly Catholic aunt who told me that God loves everyone and doesn’t make any mistakes.  The grandmother at my children’s elementary school, a Jehovah’s Witness, who apologized with tears in her eyes that her grandson had teased my daughter about having two moms.  Each of those encounters taught me to put away my assumptions and treat people as individuals.

The potential cost of coming out is rejection. But the cost of being hidden, of living in shame, is far greater.  And the opportunities that coming out affords are enormous. Coming out as a lesbian has given me the courage to come out as an artist, a writer, a Black Lives Matter activist, and a person of faith.  It’s allowed me to be more of my authentic self in so many ways, and hopefully gives others the courage to do the same.  And it’s given people permission to tell me their stories of spiritual and personal growth, connecting us across differences, but reminding us of our shared humanity.

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See Loveology’s Course on women loving women for sex education on how to become a better lover.