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Causes of Painful intercourse (or Dyspareunia) & How to Treat Them

By
Debra Shade
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Image by Khusen Rustamov from Pixabay

Happy holidays!  It’s the end of the year already.  The end of a very turbulent year with signs of progress in the sex industry and sex education field.  We are having more conversations about sex.  As a people, we are opening up and becoming more vocal about our own sexual pleasure.  This is good news.  About time.

One of the things that we are not talking a lot about though is the painful parts of sex.  The parts about the physical body that cause pain or discomfort due to any factor that changes the ability to have pleasurable sex.

Painful Intercourse

 

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

Painful intercourse (or dyspareunia) can be a huge problem that limits your sexual ability and can happen to all genders. This may happen for several reasons, such as an illness, an infection, or a psychological or physical problem. You should also see a doctor to treat any STD that may be the cause of painful intercourse.  While its my belief that you need to abstain from sex whenever you have or have been exposed to an STD, it happens.

Some infections like thrush and cystitis can cause painful sex. Sex may also be uncomfortable because you are not relaxed or aroused enough before going straight to intercourse. It’s important to take the time to figure out what the cause of your issues are.  What could be driving the pain and what can you do to fix it.

For Penis Owners

Image by Shutterstock

In penis owners, painful intercourse can be caused by physical things such as:

  • A prostate, urethra or testes infection caused by genital herpes and chlamydia.
  • An allergic reaction to spermicide in the condom.
  • Bending the penis during an erection can cause fibrous plaques on the upper side of the penis. This is called Peyronie’s disease.
  • Arthritis of the lower back can also cause sex to be painful.

When you find yourself having an allergic reaction to a condom or lube wash it off immediately. If swelling, rash or itching require medical care, see a doctor right away.

For Vulva Owners

Image by Shutterstock

Painful sex in vulva owners can be as simple as not having enough lubrication to having an STD. A lack of foreplay can result in painful sex if the vagina owner does not have enough time to get turned on and produce lubrication. Other causes include a drop in estrogen after menopause, childbirth or during breast-feeding, which may cause painful sex as well. Medications may sometimes affect sexual desire or arousal which can lower the amount of lubrication the vagina produces, resulting in painful sex.

Some of these issues are treatable and some are manageable. If vaginal dryness is due to menopause, ask your primary doctor about estrogen creams or other prescription medications.

Call a doctor if there are symptoms such as bleeding, genital lesions, irregular periods, vaginal discharge, or involuntary vaginal muscle contractions.

STDs That Cause Painful Intercourse

Here are two STDs you should be aware of that can cause pain during sex.

Image by Shutterstock

HERPES

Painful urination and discharge from the genitals are two simple symptoms of Herpes that you should take note of, as early treatment is simple and effective, some in a single dose of antibiotics.  Herpes shows itself 5 to 20 days after exposure. It is good to know these symptoms, when there are visible signs of a virus and pain during sex, it can really throw a cramp in your play.

YEAST INFECTION

Itching and burning, red rash, red glans and vaginal soreness are signs of a yeast infection.  The presence of thick and lumpy discharge with a smell are also signs you may have an infection. Treatment includes antifungal cream 2 times a day, antibiotics and practicing good hygiene. In case of severe cases of phimosis for penis owners, circumcision or a similar surgical procedure may be necessary.

It is important to see your primary health practitioner if you have any physical, psychological or emotional issues concerning painful intercourse including infections, STDs, or disorders to get treatment right away.

Sexual Therapy

For cases of sexual pain in which there is no underlying medical cause, sexual therapy might be helpful. Some individuals may need to resolve issues such as guilt, inner conflicts regarding sex, or feelings regarding past abuse or trauma.

I use a combination of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), talk therapy and physical exercise to address client issues with painful intercourse. It is important that you consider these forms of therapy that can lead you to more pleasurable sex.  Working with me, you can overcome barriers such as holding yourself so tense during intercourse it is painful, to not knowing the best positions to use to avoid pain during sex.

Set up an appointment with me if there are other issues regarding painful sex, that need to be addressed. Debrashade.youcanbook.me

12 Sexy Tips on How to Give & Receive the Best Oral Orgasm

By
Debra Shade
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Image by Anna Tarazevich on pexels.

Welcome to October! When we begin to bundle up and spend evenings taking long fair-weather walks. A great time of year to get all cozy inside and commit to your orgasm!

As an Orgasm Coach I have guided many to their first or much improved orgasm. I spend a lot of client time on this topic.

The “N”-Word

Photo by Saksham Choudhary from Pexels

I had a shocking thing happen to me last month during a virtual event I hold on the second Saturday monthly called Sexy Talk and Play. I used to meet face to face with individuals who came into a local bar that hosted my talks. With CoVid, I have taken the talks online via Zoom, and last month I had just finished talking about using your fingers to stimulate the Gspot and suddenly I hear the “N”word and “no one wants to fuck you”! My heart began to pound. Many voices began asking questions about fisting and how many fingers to use and calling me N***** in the chat.

It was all that I could do to apologize to my listeners and end my Zoom meeting. The experience shook me. I immediately wondered if it was my topic that they didn’t like or was it The color of my skin?

I shared on FB what had happened during my talk and many people posted that it has happened to them, even sent porn on the kids Zoom classes. This is disturbing! Who can help stop this from happening? People are hacking meetings and doing some very disturbing things. It is sad and unfortunate.

*Tip: when setting up your Zoom meeting, use the waiting room feature and require a password.

How to Give Good Fellatio

It ruined a very good talk on giving and receiving oral sex, where I gave tips on fellatio and how the wetter you keep it, the better it is for the receiver.

Fellatio Tips:

  • Never perform fellatio as a chore. Your excitement increases their excitement and therefore their orgasm.
  • Pay attention to the sensitivity of the shaft and head of the penis so that you can have fun with pressure and tongue strokes.
  • Learn to read the sexual response of your mate to take them on an orgasmic journey.

How to Give Good Cunnilingus

The same can be said about the delivery of cunnilingus.

Tips for Cunnilingus

  • Use your whole mouth on the entire external vagina.
  • Use your hand to apply a little pressure on the vulva to stimulate the internal clitoris which makes the external parts more sensitive.
  • *Note: If the clit gets too sensitive and becomes uncomfortable for your mate, you can use the clitoral hood to create a buffer over the clitoris. If this does not work, stay away from the clitoris or take a break.
  • When you begin to perform, pay attention to the outer and inner lips. Lick and suck them softly. If wanted, you can nibble on them as well.
  • Use a stiff tongue to play with the vaginal opening, you can reach many of the nerve endings there. You can use a flat, loose tongue to stroke from the perineum to the tip at the base of the vulva. Add wetness as you do so to increase the friction.
  • If using dental dam, place lube on the vagina to create the best level of wetness.
  • As your mate gets more into what you are doing -you will know this because they will squeeze your head with their thighs or press down onto your face- follow through to orgasm.
  • Unless directed to do so, don’t stop whatever you are doing through the climax, don’t stop to soon. I can’t stress that enough. If you get too excited, you may change your position or pressure causing a disruption in the orgasm.
  • Moving forward with penetration if wanted will continue the orgasmic journey through multiple orgasms.

Oral Sex Just for Foreplay?

Oral sex is usually done for foreplay. I tell people that foreplay should involve the erogenous zones and oral sex is an act itself. The more you “warm” up your mate to the sexual experience you can provide, the better the results.

Talk to your partner, find out what they know about their pleasure. You shouldn’t force them to be satisfied with what you have always done with others. All vulvas are different and need different stimulation. The same for the penis. If your blowjob is a series of habit, you need to shake it up, listen to your mate and deliver their version of a wonderful orgasm.

In case you haven’t caught on, communication is very important to the orgasm. Instead of treating your mate like a Rubik cube where you take a bunch of complex moves trying to get the colors to match. If you listen to them, and of course, if you share what works to get you to orgasm, then you know you are going to have one. But if you guide someone, they can adjust to enhance what you’re asking for, taking things to the next level for you, giving you your best orgasm… EVER!

Conclusion

I probably won’t be able to think of oral without thinking of being hacked on Zoom for a while! I choose to believe that it wasn’t about the conversation and my skin color was just a part of their hateful joke. Sexuality needs to be discussed. Just to keep it sexy, I am going to talk oral again this month.

Approaching Dating During Quarantine

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Dating changed drastically during the quarantine.  We went from thinking only the creepers where online to setting up several dating accounts.  We are forced to be lonely or try our hand at love online.  We had to let guards and pieces of us go in order to relax and be entertained by the prospects available via any of a zillion social sites.  How do you get someone to pursue you and explore relationship options?

1. Confidence is key.  See yourself as the prize and realize that the person who is chasing you sees your intellect, strength, and your beauty. While its important to note that the chaser needs to have some sort of response from you to be encouraged to pursue if you wish.  So, give validation, emotional support, and compliments to let the person know you are open to dating.

People are turned on by confident people.  You must let them know you are interested without spilling your guts.  Don’t agree with everything they say, but don’t be mean either.  Be your true self and know that lots of folks are turned on by someone who is naturally themselves. Realize you can build a healthy solid relationship with everyone being their authentic selves.

2. Attraction is a process. Attraction is the chemistry that motivates us to be with another person. Usually, it is a visual attraction and then physical when you meet the person. But here we are, with Covid we are not getting the physical attraction part. Keep challenging your chaser by keeping them interested in the future they may see with you. Remember that just because they start doing things that hint, they are interested, doesn’t mean that its time for you to stop attracting the person. Keep the hunt up.

3. Be Sexy. Confidence, strength, and personality of our own traits make up what kind of relationship you would be looking for. Try looking “sexy”, whatever that looks like for you. The right outfit can flatter and display our attractive features just as highlighting features and physiques play roles in our search for a partner. The summation of confidence is that you should not be predictable or boring.  Be in control without being controlling.  Many will find that you are more attractive when you are easy to get along with and are confident in yourself. Just know, your personality, strength, confidence, and traits become those things that you must put on display to open yourself to meeting people to date.

4. Personality. In dating considerations include psychological attractiveness such as pleasant and cheerful personalities. A great personality will bring out the best in others. Be careful not to over focus on personality alone, however.  This often results in a deep friendship without a sexual spark.  Thus, changing the trajectory of the relationship. You basically need to find your own style of attraction.  We are all different and the great news is, none of us are perfect so we are all developing our dating wants as we go. Do what is natural to you, then work on other traits and skills that help you establish the kinds of relationships you really want.

5. Be Engaged but Aloof. Find that balance of being engaged and aloof, be engaged in conversation and let them know you.  You should want them as well.  Understand the difference between wanting someone and needing someone.  Don’t try to trap a person into a relationship.  Be cautious about when you profess your love for the person.  The other thing to note when talking about confidence and sexiness in getting someone to chase you, is letting them ask you about other people.  This will let you know their level of interest and allows you to prioritize the relationship and its growth.  Just as you will play games, they will too, it will be their way of making sure you are worth the chase.

6. Time. Another change to the dating game is the amount of time you have now to chat with this person and to do it virtually! Some ideas that I can share are virtually taking them with you for tea, watch a television show together or share your hobby with them.

7. Get Over Your Fears. Virtual dating requires you to overcome any fears you have about being on camera, utilize uploaded images or stock images for your background.

Online dating has become the new normal. So go for it!

HPV, Cervical Cancer and YOU

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

What is HPV: The Human Papillomavirus?

Human Papillomavirus is commonly referred to as HPV. It is a vast group of viruses potentially leading to warts, genital warts and, in worst cases, cancer.

HPVs are the large group of easily transmitted viruses that potentially can cause cancer. However, the infection can also enter someone’s body through any natural fluids or even minor skin cuts. HPV is one of the most spread sexually transmitted diseases, with 40 of these types of viruses being able to be spread via sexual contact.

Most HPV types do not result in any harmful effect on the human body, and goes away in several months, so could remain unnoticed. Sexually active people are more likely to obtain the infection, and more than a half of all people acquire it over the course of their life if not vaccinated. It is estimated that there were 43 million HPV infections in 2018.  This included 13 million new infections.

How to Find Out if You Have it

Health care providers can diagnose genital warts caused by HPV by giving you an exam and looking at the infected area. There is no approved HPV test to find HPV in the mouth or throat. HPV tests are not recommended to screen men, adolescents, or women under the age of 30 years. The problem is most people do not they are infected and never develop symptoms from it.  Genital warts are a sign that you may have HPV.  However, there are HPV tests that can be used to screen for cervical cancer, as well as pap tests for women. An abnormal Pap test may reflect the presence of HPV.

How do You Get HPV?

HPV is a sexually transmitted disease as it is normally transmitted during sexual contact. It can be contracted by performing sexual acts such as oral, vaginal, anal sex and other skin-to-skin contacts.

HPV Prevention

So, how can you avoid HPV and the issues it can cause?

The good news is, there is a vaccine that can prevent you from many forms of the HPV virus. The CDC recommends vaccination of all individuals at age 11 or 12 and everyone through age 26. People older than 26 years should not get vaccinated.  Because most sexually active adults have already been exposed to HPV, it is not necessarily all the HPV types targeted by vaccination. At any age, new sex partners put you at risk for getting a new HPV infection.

Studies show that if you are in a mutually monogamous relationship, you are less likely to get a new infection. There are also simple guidelines that can help you stay clear of the disease, such as using condoms and dental dams, and avoiding skin-on-skin contact during sex. Know that HPV can infect areas not covered by the condom. Thus, they are not 100% effective in preventing HPV. Of course, you can be in a mutually monogamous relationship where your mate is only having sexual contact with you.

Ways to Treat HPV

There is no direct medicine to cure HPV. However, if you have contracted the virus, there are several ways, including surgical, to get rid of the symptoms, such as warts. Serious cases, including cancer, need to have a complex medical approach.

HPV A, E and D typically go away on their own and do not require special treatment. It is difficult to determine the average period of time required for the virus to go away from the body as it is usually unclear when it has been contracted. However, it can take as much as several years for the virus’ symptoms to go away after the moment they have been detected.

HPV and Cancer

Through many studies we know that HPV can cause cervical cancer. Cancer often takes years to develop after a person get the infection. The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause other cancers. Cancer of the vulva, vagina, penis, or anus, the back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils can develop after exposure.

High-risk HPV can cause various cancers including:

  • Cervical cancer
  • Anal cancer
  • Some types of oral and throat cancer
  • Vulvar cancer
  • Vaginal cancer
  • Penile cancer

Cervical Cancer

Cervical cancer is caused by HPV. The virus spreads through sexual contact. To avoid cervical cancer it is important to get a pap test on a regular basis (yearly) after you become sexually active. It usually takes several years for normal cells in the cervix to turn into cancer cells, so regular screenings can catch the abnormal cells before they before cancerous. Be sure to follow your routine for screening, it can help you prevent cervical cancer.

If your pap text comes back as abnormal cells (dysplasia), you may need to follow up with other tests, such as a biopsy. Treatments may include LEEP, radiation therapy, surgery, chemotherapy.

“Loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP) uses a wire loop heated by electric current to remove cells and tissue in a woman’s lower genital tract. It is used as part of the diagnosis and treatment for abnormal or cancerous conditions.”

The American Cancer Society’s estimates for cervical cancer in the United States for 2021 are:

  • About 14,480 new cases of invasive cervical cancer will be diagnosed.
  • About 4,290 women will die from cervical cancer.

Early prevention via pap tests is KEY to early diagnosis, prevention and treatment of cervical cancer!

Conclusion

The sad news is HPV is here to stay.  Because there is no cure, you must take precautions to avoid infection.  Healthcare professionals will say that the only way to avoid such an STD is to abstain from sex.  However, we know that this is not realistic.  Be sure that you are having the status conversation with your mates.  Find out as much as you can about their sexual history.  This will allow you to make an informed decision before you proceed.

And, make sure to get checked for regular yearly screening and pap tests to avoid getting cervical cancer and other sexual infections.

If you need help, contact me.

Fingering Toward Orgasm

By
Debra Shade
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How Can Fingering Help Vulva Owners Reach Orgasm?

Let’s talk about an orgasm brought on by vaginal stimulation with fingers. This can result in intense and/or multiple orgasm, and for some, ejaculation. The best method to please a vulva born individual is to experiment with finger manipulation. Up to 75% of vulva owners state that they do not orgasm from penetration alone. This means, that figuring out how to use your fingers to provide a mind-blowing vaginal orgasm is a must. 

Fingering the G-spot

The best part about fingering though, is the direct contact made with the G-spot. Which by the way is not a “spot” or “button”, it’s an area at the top frontal wall of the vagina. This area happens to rest between the clitoral legs (inside the vagina) and is super sensitive. It is only 2-3 inches deep, which means that your penetration needs to be very shallow.

If you are masturbating and feel the pleasures of stimulating the Gspot but are not achieving ejaculation, you may be a little too far inside and are missing the spot entirely. Manual stimulation directly on this area will increase your chances of ejaculating.

Different Types of Finger Stimulation or Fingering:

The benefits of using your fingers is that you can curl them. There are three very popular finger movements that can bring on the thunder.

fingering sex
Image by Demie Hadji from Pixabay

The Two-Fingered Salute: Keeping your pointer and middle finger together and keeping them flat, use the padding of the finger tips to stroke with. Move forward and backward and side to side over the area. Use light to medium pressure depending on the person.

Come Hither: When your mate gets really aroused and is displaying all the signs of needing more stimulation switch to the second finger movement; the “come hither”. Curl your fingers toward you as if you are telling someone to come to you. Do so with a little more pressure and work your speed up with your mates breathing and body movements. Do not stop what you are doing until they orgasm, which may include ejaculate.

shutterstock

Spidey Fingers: What are spidey (or spiderman) fingers? This is the act of positioning your hand to look like spiderman when he is shooting his webs. The two middle fingers go into the vagina, with the two end fingers sticking out. The thumb can also be used to stimulate the clitoris in this position.

How to Finger the Vagina

So, insert your lubed fingers into the vagina slow and carefully. Many individuals cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation so be sure to include that once you have them fully aroused. Also be mindful that some folks find that clit stimulation is too intense. If this is the case, lick and suck over the clitoral hood to create a “buffer” from direct stimulation. You can use your thumb or your mouth to tease and maneuver the clit. Once your fingers are in, explore. Stroke the sides of the wall. The roof and the deep spot are very sensitive.

What is the Deep Spot?

copyright Dominadoll

Deep inside the vagina is an area know as the A spot (anterior fornix) which you can stroke with your fingers to bring about an orgasm. This can be an intense, all over body orgasm if one allows themselves to relax into the sensations. Right below the Aspot you can find the cervix. It is firm to the touch so be careful not to jam it. However, some vulva owners enjoying having their cervix stimulated. Be sure to use lots of lube for cervical play.

The last area I want to mention is the deep spot. I like to call it the cul-de-sac because you can only go so far with your fingers. That area that is as far and deep in the vagina that you can go to bring on an orgasm. It is also known to cause ejaculate as well.

Manipulating the cul-de-sac should be with medium pressure that you can increase as you press down deeper. You are also manipulating the anal wall from the inside, which increases pleasure. It is not a position where you will be able to do the come-hither motion. Bouncing is more appropriate (stroke up and down quickly), staying close to the back wall for the full effect. Again, don’t stop until the orgasm is over.

Many Types of Fingering Orgasms

The cool thing about fingering is that you have a lot of control over what sort of orgasm you can provide. If you want a more intimate, love making experience, do it slow and steady. The intensity of your finger motion should be determined by the receiver. Never behave aggressive unless asked to do so. Be intentional with where you place your fingers and how much pressure you use when touching the vagina. Be sure to keep your knuckles as flat as possible so that you are not bruising the soft tissue of the vulva.

Body Language Baby

Let’s say you are with someone who is not too verbal in expressing their needs, recognizing some common body language can guide you both to their orgasm.

Image by Saulius Rozanas from Pixabay

Any sort of flinching means; stop whatever you are doing. Don’t think it will fix itself on the next stroke, stop, readjust and then move forward. However, if a person scoots closer to you, causing your fingers to go deeper, arches their back, moans/groans, or squirms they want you to continue whatever it is that your doing or even increase the intensity. Now is a great time to play with the amount of pressure you use. Try different speeds and depths. Talk to your mate and find out what works best for them and then sit back and watch the fireworks.

#Keepitsexy #Yourresponsibleforyourownorgasm

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Hello! My name is Debra Shade. Clinical Sexologist and Master Sexpert. I specialize in orgasms. As an orgasm coach, I help individuals and couples to overcome barriers to their best sexual experience. It’s fulfilling work. I also travel the US presenting or teaching at expos, seminars, conferences and festivals. I am excited to have this opportunity to write about something that I absolutely love, my new column: Orgasm Tips by D Shade. I want you to know that there are many methods to an orgasm. Having a few in your toolbox will be very beneficial to you and your mate(s). I want to use my column to give you tips, advice and facts about orgasms that will help you achieve your best sexual experience.

Why You Should Attend A Cuddle Party

By
Debra Shade
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I love, love, love the energy and healing I get from attending a Cuddle Party.  I hear so many different things about the experience and I can firsthand tell you that the experience you have is up to you.  First, no one is having sex at a Cuddle Party. There are boundaries that are adhered to by all attendees. There are some rules and they are respected. I have never had a negative event, so I am a fan of cuddling.

I want to become a facilitator for Cuddling Parties.  It takes training and there is a foundation that offers a weekend program that includes coaching, CPR, and facilitator skills. I would love to add this to my resume of services that I offer my clients.  A cuddle/puddle is an experience designed to allow people to experience non-sexual, group physical intimacy through cuddling.  Of course, you must ask permission and receive an energetic yes before you touch anyone. You can change your mind at any time. You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.

The environment is cozy, and the pleasure comes from the release of oxytocin! It helps when there is soft music and munchies.  It is necessary to tell you that there should be no intoxicants. The only high should be natural.  You should be clear-minded and open to receiving the energy from the puddle. At the end of the event, there is a closing “ceremony” that includes a conversation of thoughts from the event.  As a facilitator, I love the thought of helping individuals open themselves up from the benefits of Cuddle Parties.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Participants are often in a state of cuddle intoxication at the end. Feeling a sense of connection with the group that they never would have anticipated at the beginning of the event.  Folks are free to exchange hugs, phone numbers and receive thank you’s from the facilitator for making the cuddle party special. I think that could be so fulfilling. So here is what I have experienced at cuddle parties that may sway you to try it. The first thing you do is change into pajamas.

Oh, and clothing matters.  Wear something that is not risqué. Something comfortable not sexy.  Think no lace, no shorts but drawstrings. Bring a pillow or anything that makes you feel safe and comfortable. There was no liquor, and everyone seemed lucid.  There was sparkling cider and water to go with fruit and crackers.  The setup was very calm and inviting. We sat in a circle until we began to connect with others.

We created a welcome circle where we were all welcomed to create the structure and safe space for socializing. We were able to introduce ourselves and we played a get to know you game that allowed me to sync with the environment.  We were taught the cuddle party philosophy. What I saw was participants cuddling in groups, as two and some talked and didn’t cuddle at all.  We were told that we could feel free to be feet against feet, give full-body hugs, head rubs, spooning… it really was up to me to decide what I wanted from the group.  I had the best head rubs! It was relaxing and I must admit, I slept better.

All during the experience, the facilitator participated with us.  Encouraging us to feel relaxed and supported and having a great time. I got oriented to the rules as we moved through a very organized process of exchanging energy and staying in the moment.  I felt comfortable to cuddle in my comfort and I carried on a few great conversations with other participants. Lying down while being held allowed me to fall into my thoughts and feel safe to explore what was heavy on my mind. Some self-reflection so to speak.

As I write this, I am getting excited about being a facilitator. I am that happy with my experiences, I want to offer this to others. Cuddle Parties serve a purpose. As an Orgasm Coach, I believe attending a Cuddle Party will give clients an opportunity to feel something different. To learn something about themselves sexually. To experience something that is pleasurable, but not sexual. is an experience.  Cuddle Parties happen all over, you can invite one into your home by finding a facilitator in your area.  You have got to find a Cuddle Party in your area.  I hope reading this you will find yourself wanting to play.

Labels Beyond Gay and Straight

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Tim Samuel from Pexels

Defining Sexuality

The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.

Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk

The Difference Between Sex and Gender

There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.

What is Intersex?

Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.

Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels

What is Gender versus Gender Identity?

Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.

Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.

 

What is Transgender?

The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.

How to Ask About People’s Pronouns

So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!

LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns

So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.

Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.

Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.


Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.

Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.

The Clit Takes Center Stage: Facts About the Clitoris

By
Debra Shade
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clitoris seamless doodle pattern

In a University of Wisconsin survey, ¼ of penis owners could not find the clitoris on a diagram. Sadly, many clit owners could not identify it either.

Did you know that the nub we can see on the outside, covered by the vaginal lips, is the tip of the rest of the clitoris which can be up to 4 inches long internally? Not for nothing, but this information was found by a vulva owner.

In 1998 the Australian urologist Helen O’Connell and her team found that the clitoris was way more powerful than what previous research reported. It is these internal components that drives the level of sensitivity and pleasure the clit receives and the owner experiences.

The internal clitoris branches from the external clitoris into two legs with a bulbar wishbone shape around the front and sides of the vagina.  It swells with blood during arousal and is very sensitive and can be stimulated through the front wall. This is why grinding feels so good.

The clitoris head is like the penis head, sensitive. You can stimulate the clitoris with your tongue, fingers, vibrator, or penis. Try soft confident touches first and take your cue from the owner.  Sometimes its too sensitive to touch, sometimes a firm stroke is necessary. If your lover is not verbal about their pleasure, you can read their body language to determine what sort of pressure and pace to use.  If they recoil, tense up suddenly, grimace or make a sound that is not pleasurable, it’s important to stop whatever you are doing and try something else. The clit can be painful at certain pressure levels, watch for those negative signs.

Signs to tell if they are enjoying what’s going on include a slow tensing of the arms, legs, and abs, if you notice them holding the tension, ask them to release and breath. This allows for a more intense orgasm. In addition, they will be groaning, moaning, or talking. They will pant and move their hips to receive pleasure exactly where and how they need it.  Pay attention to this language and increase your pace as they proceed through the orgasm.

Stay with them through the end.  Nothing sucks more than a lack luster orgasm. Suck the clitoris between your lips, press upward on the mound to engage the internal clitoris. Make sure the clit stays wet.  Lube can be your best friend.  Dental dams should be used as well.

The vagina is the canal that runs through the vestibule that holds everything in! How and when you get the sensations and pleasures from thrusting, rotating, or the circulating motions of penis, vibrators, dildos and fingers is very individualized. Because the canal has less nerve endings, simple thrusting will probably not bring about a strong orgasm.

A survey reported 64% of vulva owners needed clit play to have a meaningful orgasm.  For me, the most intense orgasms are Gspot orgasms.  This is because it engages the clitoris fully.  Using your fingers or a Gspot stimulator are best for this clit play. Use two of three finger moves that will drive them crazy.

Use your ring and pointer finger.  Keep the rest of your knuckles flat.  Enter the vagina and stay shallow.  Within the first 2-3 inches.  Press up with the pads of your fingers. Use lube, the slickness will add pleasure.  Rotate your fingers with medium pressure after you have had enough foreplay to get them engaged in the act.  Keep rotating your fingers as the tension builds, again, remind them about their breathing.  Breathing is important to intense orgasm.

When they are ready, began to use a second finger motion.  The come hither.  Pull your fingers toward you.  Remember to stay shallow, the Gspot will swell. (This is an area and not a button) The more aroused the person is, the more likely they will ejaculate with their orgasm.  Increase your pace with their pants and gasp and keep it up until they experience what is probably a more intense orgasm, an all over body orgasm that they will remember for quite some time.

All because the clitoris takes center stage.  It brings so much additional pleasure to the table and can be used with penetration or without.  Begin to engage both the external and internal clitoris. Add humping to your foreplay. Be sure to lube your hand to aid with friction and increase your speed as they advance toward orgasm.

As an Orgasm Coach, I love guiding folx through clitoral orgasms.

Endometriosis and Sexual Health

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Sora Shimazaki from Pexels

March is Endometriosis Month.

Endometriosis is when the uterine inner lining develops outside the uterus. Endometriosis affects your sexual life.  Sex can become extremely painful.  But let me tell you, you may have to go through hella testing before it is appropriately diagnosed.  Delightfully we have a month dedicated to bringing awareness around endometriosis. The pain felt from the disease can be severe, especially during your cycle and sex.

The thicken lining breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle, however the excess tissue has no way to exit the body.  It grows and spreads and can affect the ovaries. Scar tissue and adhesions cause pelvic tissue and organs to stick to each other. Untreated, eventually you will experience fertility issues.  Because there is limited information about the disease, we do know that doctors are quick to suggest a version of a hysterectomy to rectify the matter.

This is a very common issue among vulva owners. The bladder and intestines can develop complications as well.  Treatment is a necessity; it will not go away on its own.  Vulva owners between 18 and 35 are most susceptible.

What Are the Signs of Endometriosis?

What signs are you looking for to help you suspect endometriosis? Each of us is different so watch for what you know does not feel right for your body.

Some symptoms include:

  • Experience painful periods (dysmenorrhea)
  • Pelvic pain and cramping that begin before and goes several days into your cycle
  • Lower back and stomach pain
  • Suddenly start to experience pain during sex
  • A huge sign is excessive bleeding
  • Infertility and fertility issues
  • Other symptoms may include fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating and nausea, especially during menstrual periods.

Sometimes, endometriosis is first diagnosed when you seek treatment for infertility.  Many times, vulva owners find it hard to conceive, and this could be because of the thickening of the lining that prevents an egg from uniting with the sperm. Something to keep in mind is that endometriosis is sometimes mistaken for other conditions that can cause pelvic pain, such as pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) or ovarian cysts. It may be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a condition that causes bouts of diarrhea, constipation, and abdominal cramping.

When to Seek Treatment

So, when should you see a doctor? Immediately, when you feel that your cycle is not ‘right”, and pain is severe enough to disrupt your daily activities.  The sooner you seek a doctor’s care, the better your chances of beating the disease. An early diagnosis by a multidisciplinary medical team will result in great management of your symptoms and to develop a game plan to treat the disease.

What Causes Endometriosis?

You may be thinking what causes endometriosis?  While it is not certain, there are a few explanations such as retrograde menstruation.  This is when menstrual blood flows back through the fallopian tubes and into the pelvic cavity. Transformation of peritoneal cells suggest that hormones or immune factor’s promote transformation of peritoneal cells that line the inner side of the abdomen.  The transformation of embryonic cells such as estrogen may transform embryonic cells into endometrial like cells during puberty. After a surgery, surgical scar implantation can cause cells to attach to the surgical incision. The lymphatic system may transport endometrial cells to other parts of the body known as endometrial cell transport.

Other Risk Factors

Finally, an immune system disorder may make the body unable to recognize and destroy endometrial like tissue that grows outside the uterus. Bear with me as I list risk factors. If you know them, you can better manage your health.

Things like:

  • Never giving birth
  • Going through menopause at an older age
  • Short menstrual cycles
  • Starting your cycle at an early age
  • Heavy cycles that last longer than 7 days
  • Having higher levels of estrogen in your body
  • Low body mass index
  • And even having one or more relatives with endometriosis can be a risk factor for you.

Any medical condition that prevents the normal passage of your flow out of the body and lastly any reproductive tract abnormalities are all risk factors.

What Happens If I Go Untreated?

The dreaded diagnosis of cancer is a possibility if you leave endometriosis untreated. Ovarian cancer does occur at higher than expected rates in those with endometriosis. The more you know, the better.

Use this month to find out more about endometriosis. As a vulva owner, you should do what you can to protect yourself, as early detection can let you take control of this health issue that affects your sexual health.

Erogenous Zones: Hot-Spots that Will Drive Him Wild!

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Daniel Torobekov from Pexels

So, you have performed oral, rode them crazy and handled the penis like a stick shift. What else is there to do? Much!

Adding some fresh, new moves can spruce up what you have tried and tested before. The penis born body has so many erotic points to be explored. These zones cause arousal and extends, expands and enlighten additional methods to orgasm. From the sides and back of the neck, armpits, chest, inner arms and thighs, a tickle, a stroke or a lick uses the sensory of anticipation to create a sexual response. Within sex, you can get to know a person by stimulating their erogenous zones.

Where there is less hair, it is reported to have more sensitivity. You can blindfold or use lube for any action you do on the body. Be mindful that anticipation is the key. Be prepared for any reaction and follow the lead of the person as you go ahead and experiment.

Tease Him

Let me tell you what you can do with the rest of that delicious body. Use your imagination and theirs. Let them have some time to consider your touch before your fingers arrive on their skin. The ultimate tease. Just pretend like you’re sexting and say those things to them in real life. The base of the spine can send tingles throughout the body that can be felt in the toes. You can do temperature play in this area and send them over the edge.

His Mouth

The tips of their fingers have many nerves and respond to even the lightest of touches. Placing your finger or fingers into their mouth and massage the inner jaws, tongue, roof of the mouth, without reaching to far back to cause them to gag. Pull their fingers into your mouth much as you would a penis. Use saliva to create a wetness while rolling your tongue over and around the fingers.

His Armpits

The erogenous zone of the armpits is a very individualized sensitivity experience. If you use intense and suspenseful touches and strokes, you should elicit some arousal. Don’t go too light as to tickle them. The softer skin of the inner arm and the crease that is the mid-arm bend are very sensitive to hand, feet or mouth manipulation. Vigorous kneading and light kisses can induce erection or ejaculation without touching the penis.

Shrimping?

Shrimpin’ anyone? Yes, this is what it’s called when you suck on your partner’s toes. This is so erotic because feet are a nonconventional hotbed of sensation just waiting for some stimulation.

His Bottom

Striking their butt cheek, even lightly, tends to stimulate the whole area. Think of it like a slow vibration flowing through their insides. If your mate is open to a little spank play, this is great to do while they are on top of you in any variation of missionary.

Sloshing

Oil or other wet substances in the sex act is a fetish. Most call it sloshing. Place towels or an additional sheet on the bed/surface and generously pour baby oil on your entire front and their entire body. Use your body to massage theirs.

His Lips

The lips in general are one of the most sensitive parts of the body. Take your time while kissing. There’s a reason why nibbling and variation in pressure can drive you over the edge when done correctly. Keeping the lower lip inside yours, magnifies the sensation. It’ll feel as if electric currents are shooting from your lips straight to their genitals.

His Neck

The Adam’s apple is an erogenous zone, thought behind this stems from how the thyroid is closely linked to the sex organs. The clavicle area and the back of the neck have sensitive nerve endings that can be stroked or licked to arousal. Keep your tongue flat and light, not too much pressure! For all individuals you can massage the area with wide circular motions to ensure you’re hitting that T-spot of the thyroid.

Mmm Nipples!

Nipples are even more sensitive than other body parts since for some, they may not be used to having them touched so often. Touch them, however, and you’ll send shock waves of pleasure radiating throughout the body. Concentrated attention to the nipple may result in an increase of oxytocin and prolactin that causes a significant amount of arousal, specifically in the genitals.

His Earlobes

Playing with the earlobes can send shivers down the spine. Kiss your partner across their shoulder, up the neck, and stopping right before you hit the ear. Do this to both sides. Do these things and you will find yourself giving the best orgasms ever.

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