Sunday, February 25, 2024

Top 10 Sexual Resolutions for Women

How can you make 2022 the sexiest year ever? I’ve got a surefire way for you to explore your desires so it can happen for you now!

This is an exercise that I have demonstrated with audiences in the U.S., the U.K. and five cities in Australia, and it’s not only a great ice-breaker for people to discuss their wants and needs, but it results in a tangible blue print for the actions you can take to make your fantasies come true.

I always start out by asking, “Are you making love a priority in your life?” and I usually get mixed results. There are single people focused on their careers who have just started to feel the urge to get ‘out there’ and look for a soul mate, and singles who have been looking forever and keep dating the same type of person who’s making them miserable. There are couples who are afraid they’re growing apart and want to reverse that trend, and couples who are closer than ever, ready to take on new sexual adventures together. There are also couples in predictable relationships where they make love in the same place at the same time in the same position all the time – and at least one of them is not sexually satisfied and could be resentful.

Next I ask everyone write down ten things that they believe would make their love lives better. I encourage you to do this before the new year too! You can choose things like I want to feel confident when I’m naked, or I want more cuddling. Here’s an example of a top ten list from a female client:

1. I want to find the right lover
2. I want to love my entire body
3. I want to overcome my sexual inhibitions
4. I want to overcome my sexual guilt & shame
5. I want to get some amazing sex toys
6. I want to have a sexier bedroom
7. I want to have more time for sex
8. I want sex more often / I want sex to last longer
9. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires
10. I want to have more sexual adventures

Now that you’ve made your list, I want you to keep the five things from your list that are absolutely necessary in order for you to have more happiness, more satisfaction, more fulfilment, more intimacy and more sex. Then delete the other five.

My female client’s top five list:

1. I want to love my entire body (because she couldn’t surrender to a lover without feeling self-conscious about her weight)
2. I want to find the right lover (it had been four years since her divorce)
3. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires (her ex-husband was unwilling to learn about her sexual needs)
4. I want to have more sexual adventures (she tried to get her husband to make love in different positions and try Tantric sex, but he said he wasn’t interested)
5. I want some amazing sex toys (she wants to have orgasms even without a partner)

Now, my client was astonished when I asked her to choose only two essential items from her diminishing list. I gave her ten minutes, five minutes for each! She decided to keep:

1. I want to love my entire body (which includes overcoming sexual inhibitions & using sex toys)
2. I want to find the right lover (which includes sexual adventures and good communication)

The next session I spent with this client was dedicated to discovering how she could love her body. We used a naked “Gingerbread Lady” exercise to help. She drew a simple outline of her body, then I gave her a red crayon to highlight the areas on her body that she didn’t like. She focused on her belly and thighs, so we discussed them both, and came up with reasons for her to turn that disdain into love. With her belly, she was self-conscious about the layer of fat, but as we discussed her joyful pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth, she began to see that there were good associations with her belly as well, including a healthy digestive system that had never given her any problems. With her thighs she managed to transform, “They’re too big” into “They’re strong and I love how the muscles feel when I’m hiking.”

After that we tackled how she could find the right lover. I gave her a pheromone-infused lava rock bracelet from Eye of Love to attract potential partners and help make her feel more confident. Then I recommended that she go to three different places where she might find a man with the qualities she was looking for in a partner – a hardware store, a popular hiking trail and a health food restaurant. You may have gathered that she was looking for a man who was fit, handy and a vegetarian! By the way, she met him when he complimented her bracelet.

The thought-provoking conclusion to this new year’s resolution exercise is that you don’t need as much as you thought you did in order to be sexually fulfilled and satisfied! The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we often write a long list of things we want to change, eliminate or improve that it becomes so overwhelming we don’t do any of them! I don’t want that to happen to you in your love life.

I encourage you to do this exercise because your sexual pleasure is guaranteed to improve the quality of your life, and create memories that last a lifetime.

Scientific Study Reveals Size Of Average Schlong

Researchers polled over 15,000 men on the size of their poles and found that the average schlong is 5.16 inches long. That’s when it’s erect, and is only 3.6 inches long when flaccid. No wonder men lie about the size of their woodrows. The study, conducted by the unintentionally funny sounding BJU International, a medical journal specializing in urology,  is the most comprehensive study to date. The study’s title “Am I Normal?” wants to “reassure the large majority of men that the size of their penis is in the normal range,” says David Veale, who led the study.

The study measured men ages 17-91, with only 2.28 having abnormally small penises and the same percentage having super gigantic ones. The penises were measured “by a health professional.”

In my own personal “study,” I have found there are four sizes of penises: Small, Medium, Large, and “OMG you’re going to kill me with that thing.”

Is A WAP A Good Thing? – Everything You Need To Know About Vaginal Wetness

This week, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion cemented themselves as sex icons with their new single, WAP, an anthem for vaginal wetness. It’s definitely a bitchin’ song both in its musical & lyrical merit and its unique position in a male-dominated genre in our patriarchal society—plus, it makes me believe I can rapbut that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Brittney McNamara from Teen Vogue does a better job at tackling this.

WAP Cardi B

What I’d like to talk about is the sex ed side of having a wet ass pussy. Believe it or not, there are actual people who feel concerned about their vaginas needing a bucket and a mop. And, with Ben Shapiro and his doctor wife using science as an excuse to shame sex-loving sluts everywhere, it’s hard to find a comprehensive answer for the innocent souls googling “Is my pussy too wet? Is it too dry?” this week.

So, cue the Sexperts. (That’s us.)

 

Vaginal wetness is totally normal.

Long story short: having a wet ass pussy is 100% normal. Especially if you’re sexually aroused. And, particularly if your partner is insanely attractive. That wet vagina is A-ok.

A wet vagina (or wet ass pussy) is a regular biological and physiological response to being in the mood. Its purpose is to make sure that your vagina is lubricated during sex, so that you’re comfortable, safe, and having fun. Personal lubricants, or simply lube, has secured a spot in our sex drawers along with condoms because they mimic this natural phenomenon.

Go lube!

Why does vaginal wetness happen?

The exact composition of this fluid varies from case to case. There are a lot of factors that contribute to vaginal wetness, from hormones to medication to stress. But generally, they come from two important and special glands: Bartholin’s and Skene’s.

Bartholin's Ducts and Glands

Infographic from MyVagina

The Bartholin’s glands are located to the left and to the right of the vaginal opening. It secretes a thin and slippery fluid that lubricates the vaginal walls. You can even spread it to your labia and your clitoris to make foreplay more comfortable. This vaginal discharge is primarily made of alkaline fluids.

The Vulva Skene's Glands FULL VERSION

Infographic from MyVagina

On the other hand, the Skene’s glands are found a little higher up. They’re paired ducts around the urethra, and produce a watery fluid that kind of resembles pee. While the source of the female ejaculation is still a mystery, it’s widely speculated that the Skene’s glands are responsible for it. Yep, we squirt through it!

grey powder

Photo by Pascal Meier

Why am I wet even if I’m not sexually aroused?

As emphasized earlier, your vagina’s got you. It constantly creates fluids to keep it moist and clean, and safe from injury and tearing. This vaginal discharge is from cervical glands and the vaginal walls. It’s normal to have about 2 to 5 mL of this clear, mucus-like discharge on the daily. While that cervical mucus is also produced during sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it showing up means you’re aroused. (It also means that being wet isn’t sexual consent.)

Vaginal discharge even looks different from time to time, depending on your menstrual cycle, your ovulation, if you’re pregnant, and if you’re taking hormones and birth control. In fact, the consistency of this vaginal discharge can even tell you a lot about your ovulation and pregnancy!

How to check cervical mucus

Infographic from VeryWell

Infographic from VeryWell

Similar to cervical mucus is the milky-white secretion from the Skene’s glands. While I did say it’s speculated that this is where all the magic (squirting) happens, it also has an important role in keeping your urinary tract free from infection. Its fluids have antimicrobial properties, proving that yes, your wet vagina does the cooking AND the cleaning.

Another common reason for vaginal wetness is simply just sweat. It might be the general area you’re in, but it could also be the type of underwear you’re wearing or how bushy your pubic hair is. And if you’ve got sexy thick thighs, vaginal sweat is more likely to happen.

Other factors that might be giving you a WAP while you’re not sexually aroused might be stress, your mental health, and any other medication you might be taking.

Related: I Tried CBD Lube & This is What Happened…

When should I worry then?

Alright, maybe having a WAP isn’t ALWAYS a good thing, but it’s your wet vagina letting you know that there’s something wrong. So that’s still cool. Pay attention to the vaginal discharge, its color, the texture, its smell, and its consistency so you know when to see the doctor. Though your vagina’s a strong, independent self-cleaning organ, there are some battles that need reinforcement in the form of suppositories or oral medication.

Vaginal Discharge Infographic

Infographic by UnityPoint

Now go listen to this song dedicated to women and people with vulvas who love sex. Wet vaginas for the win.

Photo by Lewis Fagg

Related:

Your Sexy Guide To Body Safe Lubricants – Part 1

7 Underwater Sex Questions Answered

Photo by Anastasiya Vragova from Pexels

Many people find the concept of underwater sex to be exciting and it can certainly be a great way to show off your more adventurous side. 

However, regardless of whether you are thinking about sex in the shower or hot tub, or sex in a lake, or a swimming pool, there are things you need to consider and risks you need to be aware of!

In this Q&A piece, I’ll answer some of the most frequent questions people have asked regarding having sex in water. Let’s get right into the questions! 

Table of Contents

1) Is it possible to engage in penetration while submerged in water, or would it wash off (natural or store-bought) lubrication?

One of the single biggest misconceptions about underwater sex is the idea that because everyone involved is soaking wet, there is no need for lubrication. In actual fact, the water can wash away natural vaginal lubricant, resulting in dryness that can make sex difficult and painful. For this reason, it is important to buy artificial lubrication.

In general, lubricants and gels can be separated into two main types: water-based and silicone-based. Although water-based options are popular because they tend to be easier to clean up and less sticky, they are not ideal for underwater sex. Silicone-based lubricants, on the other hand, offer water-resistant qualities, making them a better choice.

2) What about in the shower – would penetration be easier to maneuver in terms of lubrication?

Shower sex can be significantly easier to navigate in terms of lubrication, because the body is not fully submerged in water. This can make penetrative sex easier and less painful without the use of artificial lubricants.

With that being said, the problem with the water from the shower potentially washing away the body’s natural vaginal lubrication may still persist. Therefore, even in the shower, it may still be necessary to purchase a silicone-based lubricant with water-resistant qualities and use this liberally to make penetration easier.

3) What sex acts CAN work in water?

If you are in the shower, you have a wide range of options available, from penetrative sex, to oral sex, and virtually anything else that can be performed standing up, or kneeling down. You will need to be careful in certain positions, as the water does increase the chances of slipping over, but your choices are fairly unrestricted!

For baths, hot tubs and pools, again, penetrative sex is relatively easy to perform, while the use of hands for non-penetrative stimulation is also simple enough. However, oral sex can be more difficult, as unlike in a shower, the water is not constantly draining. Therefore, you will need to think carefully about positioning.

In outdoor environments, such as oceans, lakes and similar bodies of water, options can be more restricted. Try to find a location where you are able to maintain sure footing. Avoid positions where one or both people need to have their head underwater for any length of time, as this introduces an unnecessary level of risk. Penetrative sex and the use of hands for stimulation and foreplay should both be possible. Oral sex may be more tricky in these environments.

You should also know that the use of sex toys is perfectly possible when having underwater sex. However, you need to be sensible about this. It’s crucial to invest in waterproof sex toys that are marketed for their ability to be used in baths, showers, pools, hot tubs, etc. Fortunately, most modern vibrating dildos and other toys are safe and functional for this type of use. 

4) Do condoms still work underwater?

Research on condom effectiveness underwater is still surprisingly limited. Nevertheless, there is no reliable evidence to suggest the effectiveness of latex-based condoms will be adversely affected by the presence of water alone. In general, if you are engaged in underwater sex, use of a latex-based condom is recommended.

With that being said, Durex suggests that there could be an increased risk of condom slippage. The company also speculated that although salt present in sea water should not impact upon the effectiveness of its condoms, it is possible that chemicals in swimming pools could, theoretically, reduce their overall effectiveness.

5) Does the chances of condoms tearing increase if you’re underwater?

There is no evidence that the presence of water alone increases the risk of a condom tearing, at least with conventional latex condoms. However, if you are having sex in a swimming pool, or in a hot tub with chlorine in the system, there is the potential that the durability of the condom could be compromised slightly.

It is important to stress that evidence of this effect is limited. Condom manufacturers are not required to test their products in underwater conditions with chlorine and other chemicals present and studies are few and far between. However, Durex and other brands have anecdotally implied that the risk of tearing could increase in these conditions.

6) Could chlorine and/or ocean or lake water potentially irritate the genitals or cause any sort of medical issue?

Unfortunately, the simple answer to this question is ‘yes’, especially for women. Chlorine can affect the pH balance of the vagina, making yeast infections more likely, while irritation, itching and vulvitis also become more likely. In pools, oceans and lakes, there is also the possibility of bacteria in the water causing issues. This may lead to urinary tract infections, or other less common infections, so you do need to be aware of this heightened risk.

For men, the chances of encountering issues are significantly lower, but the presence of bacteria in ocean or lake water can still lead to problems. Penile irritation is also possible in pools and hot tubs that contain chlorine. If you or your partner do experience irritation, it is best to stop immediately and reconsider your approach.

7) Are there any other considerations someone should have regarding sex in water?

It is important to remember that water-based sex of any kind will introduce some safety hazards, so you and your partner do need to take care. If you are having sex in the bath or shower, be aware of the potential for slipping and falling. 

Handrails can be one way to reduce the dangers in this particular area. If you are in a pool, lake or the sea, have respect for the water and remember that there is a drowning hazard that needs to be taken seriously.

The main other thing to be aware of is the law. While sex in a public place can be a turn-on, and while introducing water adds a whole extra element of fun, be mindful of legal issues that could arise if you are caught in the act. For similar reasons, you should also avoid having sex in someone else’s private swimming pool without permission.

The Realities of Sexual Fantasies

Image by Сергей Катышкин from Pixabay

We All Have Sexual Fantasies

Even if you think your fantasy is weird or might freak out your partner, chances are, that your fantasy is not all that unusual. It’s a safe bet that your partner has fantasies, too.

In October 2014, a group of scientists at the University of Montreal published a study that asked 1,517 adult men and women residing in Quebec about their sexual fantasies. (How cool would it be to have that job?)

Top Female Fantasies

The study found the Top 10 fantasies among women were:

1. The location is specified: 27.2% (No. 6 for men: 11.3%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 21.4%; public place (e.g., office, restrooms, bar, aircraft, etc.): 5.8%

2. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 20.1% (No. 10 for men: 7.9%)

3. Focus on own submissive behavior: 18.8% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

4. Specifically involves a stranger: 14.3% (No. 24 for men: 1.9%)

5. The type of ambience is specified: 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

6. Exhibitionism: 8.9% (No. 23 for men: 1.9%)

7. Involves homosexual activities: 8.2% (No. 7 for men: 8.2%)

8. Group sex: 7.8% (No. 9 for men – with men and women or only women: 8.1%)
– Active role with men and women: 3.9%; passive role surrounded by men: 3.9%

9. Specifically refers to an authority figure or a celebrity: 7.1% (No. 14 for men: 4.2%)

10. Involves a sexual object: 6.5%

Top Male Fantasies

The Top 10 fantasies among men were:

1. Voyeurism: 15.0% (No. 11 for women: 3.9%)
– Watching a spouse having sex with another man: 8.4%; alone, spying an unaware stranger: 3.3%; watching spouse having sex with another woman: 3.3%

2. Fetishism: 14.0% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)

3. Threesomes: 12.6% (No. 13 for women: 3.2%)
– With strangers or acquaintances: 7.0%; with a spouse: 5.6%

4. Oral sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)
– Receiver (fellatio): 10.8%; giver (cunnilingus): 3.3%

5. Anal sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (No. 19 for women (as a receiver): 1.3%)
– Receiver (with a strap-on or shemales): 6.1%; giver with a woman: 5.6%

6. Location-specific: 11.3% (No. 1 with women: 27.2%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 7.5%; public place (e.g., office, restaurant, bar, aircraft): 3.8%

7. Homosexual activities: 8.9% (No. 7 for women: 8.2%)

8. Involves an acquaintance: 8.5% (No. 18 for women: 1.3%)

9. Group sex (with men and women or only women): 8.1% (No. 8 for women: 7.8%)
– Active role: 7.5%; passive role: 0.6%

10. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 7.9% (No. 2 for women: 20.1%)

What Fantasies are Typical?

In all, five sexual fantasies in the study were statistically typical and endorsed by more than 84.1% of participants — feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship, fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important, and fantasies involving a romantic location; receiving oral sex, and having sexual intercourse with two women. Among the remaining sexual fantasies, 23 were common in men and 11 were common in women.

What Fantasies are Rare?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, two sexual fantasies were found to be statistically rare (endorsed by 2.3% or less of participants) — having sex with a child under the age of 12 (0.8% of women and 1.8% of men) and having sex with an animal (3% of women and 2.2% of men). Among the 53 sexual fantasies studied in the survey, nine were statistically unusual (endorsed by 15.9% or less of participants) — seven for women (urinating on partner, 3.5%; being urinated on, 3.5%; wearing clothes of the opposite gender, 6.9%; forcing someone to have sex, 10.8%; abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious, 10.8%; having sex with a prostitute, 12.5%; and having sex with a women who has very small breasts, 10.8%) and four for men (urinating on partner, 8.9%; being urinated on, 10.0%; having sex with two other men, 15.8%; having sex with more than three other men, 13.1%).

“Many fantasies that one might suspect would be unusual are, in fact, endorsed by a significant portion of individuals,” says Dr. Richard Krueger, MD, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City who was not a researcher that was part of the study. “Yet this doesn’t mean that these are pathological at all. It just means that people have them. The only way that it becomes pathological is if it involves distress, dysfunction, or action on a non-consenting person.”

Does it Mean You Want it in Real Life?

While many women who took part in the survey expressed more extreme fantasies, especially of submission and domination by a stranger, they say that they never want these fantasies to come true. However, the majority of men that took part in the survey have more fantasies than women, express them much more vividly, and would love their fantasies to come true, especially threesomes.

But let’s say that you have a fantasy your partner doesn’t want to act out, let alone talk about, or if you don’t have currently have a partner. Perhaps you have a fantasy that will never play out in your life or is socially taboo.

“Having (fantasies) does not automatically translate into wanting to act them out,” says Michael Wiederman, a professor of psychology at Columbia College in South Carolina. “Perhaps it’s the assumption that fantasies say something about desired behavior that leads some people to feel guilty about their sexual fantasies. However, by definition, fantasies are safe (no one is actually hurt in real life) and they can end the way the fantasizer desires. Conversely, attempts to act out fantasies frequently result in less than desirable experiences. So, as long as your fantasies remain just that, you can give yourself permission to enjoy that aspect of your sexuality without guilt or concern about normality.”

Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/the-realities-of-fantasies/

Hot Tub Sex is HOT! and Oh, so Sexy

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

A few weekends ago, we had one of those rare weekends with high temperatures in the 70’s. We just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do something fun outdoors, and what could be more fun than sex in a hot tub?

Luckily, I live relatively close to an outstanding outdoor hot tub spa. Each of the private outdoor “rooms” are decorated in a theme.

If you’re thinking that themed rooms are tacky, these are not. We got the Oahu room, which is surrounded by high privacy walls and fences complete with a waterfall. (On a previous visit, we had the Vancouver room that’s furnished in a rustic lodge feel with a gas fireplace.) There’s also a selection of piped-in music to set the mood. An acoustic strings channel was quite fitting for the dreamy post-brunch state of mind we were already in.

Regardless of the surroundings, hot tub sex is … well … pretty damn hot. The sensations of feeling weightless and buoyant in the warm, bubbling water is a sensual experience onto itself. It also lends to some sex positions that wouldn’t be possible or nearly as comfortable on a bed or in a chair. If you have sizable weight or height differences, being in the bubbly, shallow water makes many more positions do-able.

He sat back while I straddled his hips and effortlessly pumped and ground myself on top of him. While I was expending most of the energy and action, it hardly felt if I was at all. If it were physiologically possible to make love all day, sex in a hot tub would be the way to do it.

While waterproof battery-operated toys can be fun in a hot tub, they really aren’t necessary if you catch my drift. On both visits, we never thought about using sex toys.

Before Your Dive Into Hot Tub Sex…

Before jumping into a hot tub sex outing, there are a few things that you should keep in mind.

  • Pay heed to medical conditions. Hot tubs are a “no-no” for pregnant women or people with heart conditions.
  • If you need to use a lube, use a silicone lubricant. It won’t wash away like a water-based lubricant, although chances are you won’t need it.
  • If you’re a woman prone to yeast infections, chlorine can mess up your Ph balance. It might be a good idea to add some yogurt to your diet before and after hot tubbing.
  • If you rely on spermicide or condoms for birth control, have another plan and or be creative with your sex play. Both are less effective in water.
  • Whether or not you get your nookie on in a hot tub, make sure that it’s clean and properly maintained. Vaginal and other infections are so unsexy.

Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/hot-hot-tub-sex/

Mindful Masturbation

What is Mindful Masturbation?

We all know what masturbation is, but what is mindful masturbation? Sounds like some kind of woo-woo, esoteric thing.

Mindful masturbation (or conscious masturbation) is bringing mindfulness into your masturbation or self-pleasure experience using all your senses. It is an exploration of your body and your pleasure that is designed to increase your awareness, while encouraging an intentional approach to solo sex.

What is Mindfulness?

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Merriam-Webster defines mindfulness as:

“The practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one’s thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis; also :  such a state of awareness”. (Source)

Mindfulness is simply the art of being present in your body in this exact time and place. Being in the NOW.

Mindful masturbation means observing your sensory experience (in this case pleasure) attentively, in the moment as it arises, without judgment, and to feel into it with great attention. No judgement, no goal, simple become embodied, feel and allow. Overtime, this allows you to tap into the magic of arousal, to feel pleasure more fully, more deeply and in the moment as it transpires. Not only that, but you can reprogram (or rewire) your brain’s neuro-pathways to create new pathways to experience pleasure and orgasm.

Slow the-F Down

Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels

Mindful masturbation reduces stress because it allows you to slow-the-fuck-down and just tune into your senses and enjoy the moment, something we all need to learn to do!

Instead of wham-bam-thank-you-ma’m and doing the usual thing you normally do to get off as if on autopilot, you take your time to explore different ways of masturbating and mindfulness together. It is about lovingly touching yourself, teasing yourself, experiencing pleasure (or whatever comes up), slowing down and actually connecting with yourself, your body and your pleasure. This allows you to break normal patterns (like needing to watch porn or use a sex toy to get off), and focus on what is, rather than what you think should be happening or your expectations. It is about approaching masturbation through the lens of mindfulness, exploration, curiosity, self-love and patience.

What is the Goal of Mindful Masturbation?

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The goal is not necessarily to have an orgasm, its about pleasure. If orgasm happens, great. But the goal is exploration and finding new ways to turn yourself on, to learn about your body, your pleasure potential, and your capacity for pleasure and orgasm. The goal is to get into your body (become embodied) and FEEL the sensation of pleasure without rushing through it to orgasm. This will help you to up-level all your sexual experiences.

Also, don’t go into this practice with any expectations of what should happen. Just allow whatever comes up to happen and roll with the flow. Try to stay neutral to the experience.

Mindful meditation is a form of self-love. So, be kind and loving to yourself as you practice this.

Why Learn How to Do Mindful Masturbation?

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As we all know, masturbation and orgasm is good for your health, wellness and happiness. Mindful masturbation even goes further, as mindfulness (meditation) has been shown to reduce stress and cortisol levels, allows us to get in touch with your true authentic selves, improves cognitive function and memory, can lessen pain and fatigue, may protect us from mental health illnesses, gives you better control over processing pain and emotions, helps you sleep better, and makes you more focused and zen. It also helps us with body awareness, and self-awareness, while regulating both our attention and emotions. This continues to happen even after you’ve stopped meditating, so mindfulness has long reaching effects. (SOURCE)

How to Start a Mindful Masturbation Practice

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

The best way to begin is to just begin. Schedule a distraction-free time of about 10 minutes to an hour to devote yourself solely to self-love.

To begin, create a comfortable space. Light candles, dim the lights, put on some soothing meditation music (or not if you find that distracting), add some sensual oils to your body, have the massage oil handy, create a cozy pillow oasis in your bed and prop yourself up if needed to make sure you are in the most comfortable position.

Put away extra masturbation helpers such as sex toys, porn and even fantasy. However, you can set up a mirror if you like! The goal is to focus on you, your bodies sensations, how you feel (emotions), and to get out of the mind and into the body (somatic experience).

How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

Mindfulness doesn’t mean you try to suppress your thoughts. That would be impossible anyway. It is perfectly possible to be mindful and still have stream of consciousness thoughts without engaging in them. If you find yourself thinking or getting caught up in the mind, use the meditation technique to simply let those thoughts float by and gently bring your attention back to your body’s sensations.

You don’t need to quiet your mind or thoughts, just try to focus on what you are feeling, instead of letting the unwanted thoughts distract you. This is a practice, so don’t worry. There is no way to do it wrong. What counts is that you try.

You can also use your breath to ground you and help focus, by purposely breathing deeply and focusing on that to bring you back to the body. Try starting with a deep breathing exercise, just focusing on the breath at first before you begin touching yourself. Set an intention to simply explore what comes up without judgement.

How to Master Mindful Masturbation

Set a timer for 10-20 minutes (or an hour if you like!) and slowly begin to explore your body in a sensual way starting with your face, neck, arms, etc… Don’t go to the genitals right away!

Tune into any sensations of pleasure. Allow your attention to linger there. If it feels good, continue to explore it. If it doesn’t feel good, move on to something different, another kind of stroke, pressure, or touch, or new part of your body.

When you finally get to the genitals, avoid going to your usual way of masturbating. Again, explore different sensations that you’ve never explored before. You can pretend that you are exploring someone else’s body and learning what turns them on.

Dr. Ava’s Tips on How to Create a Self-Pleasure Practice

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“In my masturbation course I encourage my students and clients to masturbate because orgasms have tremendous health benefits to body and mind. I believe that regular masturbation will produce certain emotional and physical health benefits.

Its long been established that there are myriad of health benefits related to sexual activity.  This awareness has been recorded in our culture for centuries in the form of old wives tales such as “Use it, or lose it.”  Just as if you don’t use your common household appliances regularly, they will become rusty.

Masturbation is a freedom of expression that allows you to pleasure yourself on your own terms, can help you figure out how you feel about sex, allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and is an acceptable selfish act. You never need to make excuses about why you do it. It is a gift you have just for yourself.”–Dr. Ava Cadell

10 Steps to Mindful Masturbation

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
  1. Make sure you are in a comfortable and safe place where you can relax.
  2. Close your eyes and empty your mind of worries.
  3. Breathe deeply and slowly.
  4. Explore your body with your hands and fingers.
  5. Add some lube for a silkier sensation.
  6. Release sounds of pleasure.
  7. Try using your other hand to change it up.
  8. Focus your touch all over the body, not just your primary erogenous zone.
  9. Try something new.
  10. Let yourself go and surrender your mind and body to pleasure.

Giving this precious gift of self-love and self-acceptance to yourself is key to living a healthy sexual life, whether you are single or in a relationship.

Photo by Anna Nekrashevich from Pexels

If you really want to take your mindful masturbation practice to the next level, check out our Month-long Masturbation Challenge!

 

100 Ways to Practice Self-Love: Celebrate Single’s Awareness Day

Hello Sexy Sexpert Peeps!

Today is Valentine’s and tomorrow is Single’s Awareness Day.  So, whether you are single, dating or in a long-term relationship, there is reason to celebrate.

But, today I wanted to put together a list of 100 ways to celebrate yourself with Self Love!

Here you go:

100 Ways to Celebrate with Self Love For Single’s Awareness Day!

Okay, here are 100 ways to celebrate single’s awareness day by practicing self-love!

  1. Buy yourself a sex toy. That was a given right?
  2. Make a self-love date night with yourself and masturbate!
  3. Buy yourself flowers.
  4. List 10 things you love/appreciate about yourself.
  5. Drink more water.
  6. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read.
  7. Write a gratitude list.
  8. Meditate. Ahhh!
  9. Get more sleep.
  10. Binge-watch your fav TV show.
  11. Take a sick day and rejuvenate.
  12. Go for a walk in nature.
  13. Eat dark chocolate.
  14. Have a spa day (at home or book an appt.).
  15. Create a playlist of your fav songs.
  16. Go get a massage.
  17. Flirt with a stranger.
  18. Plan a stay-cation and focus on yourself.
  19. Have a singles party night.
  20. Try a new yoga or workout class.
  21. Forgive yourself.
  22. Post “Hello Beautiful” in lipstick on your mirror.
  23. Take a Priestess bath (sea salts, essence oils, candlelight & music).
  24. Be creative (do art, paint, write a poem, build a birdhouse, create a project you’ve been meaning to do just for fun).
  25. Treat yourself to something scrumptious.
  26. Do an Inner Smile meditation.
  27. Go on an adventure and try something new.
  28. Stretch. Both your body and your limits.
  29. Schedule daily “me time”.
  30. Do a deep breathing practice.
  31. Delegate.
  32. Say no.
  33. Ask for help.
  34. Breathe an essence oil to uplift you.
  35. Call a friend.
  36. Hang out with a friend.
  37. Get a hug. Give a hug. Two in one!
  38. Nourish your skin with premium body lotions.
  39. Buy a new top, bottom or outfit.
  40. Get a pedicure or Mani-pedi.
  41. Paint your nails.
  42. Dress up just because.
  43. Eat premium ice cream.
  44. Dance like nobody’s watching.
  45. Watch a funny movie.
  46. Learn to play!
  47. Be spontaneous.
  48. Listen to your gut or inner voice/essence.
  49. Do kegel exercises or start a jade egg program.
  50. Don’t worry, be happy.
  51. Make a gourmet supper for one or take yourself out for dinner.
  52. Stand up for yourself.
  53. Create healthy boundaries.
  54. Have a self care schedule.
  55. Celebrate your wins!
  56. Create your own daily Mantra.
  57. Dream big. Dream Bigger!
  58. Be positive and raise your vibration.
  59. Surround yourself with things you love.
  60. De-clutter your desk, bedroom, wherever you hang out.
  61. Create a mediation room/area of your home.
  62. Create a magic altar.
  63. Stop procrastinating.
  64. Slow down.
  65. Stop “efforting” and go with the flow.
  66. Live your passion.
  67. Practice self-love and body-love.
  68. Sing in the shower.
  69. Be kind to yourself.
  70. Turn off the phone, TV and internet and tune out.
  71. Take a mini-retreat.
  72. Practice being “Unperfect” and still know you are awesome.
  73. Yell, scream, cry, beat up a pillow.
  74. Get fresh air daily.
  75. Get some sun.
  76. Don’t just think about it, do it, do it, do it!
  77. Organize a closet.
  78. Focus on your food while eating and chew slowly.
  79. Stimulate your senses.
  80. Make a bucket list.
  81. Cut down on caffeine.
  82. Cut down on sugar.
  83. Buy something you’ve always wanted.
  84. Shake your booty.
  85. Take compliments gracefully.
  86. Let go of comparison.
  87. Find a mentor.
  88. Join a mastermind group.
  89. Join a Goddess Tribe.
  90. Start a self-pleasure practice.
  91. Forgive others and mean it.
  92. Stay away from energy vampires and end all toxic relationships.
  93. Step outside your comfort zone.
  94. Celebrate your uniqueness.
  95. Brainstorm.
  96. Write down your ideas.
  97. Let go of the past.
  98. Do a happy dance.
  99. Don’t quit your daydream.
  100. Celebrate Life!

So, let’s celebrate Single’s Appreciation Day with some self love and masturbation!  Check out Store.Sexpert.com for all your sexy adult toy needs!

 

 

Give The Perfect V-Day BJ: Blow Job Tips

Be the Best Blog Job Giver Ever!

Do you know how to train your throat not to gag? Do you know what is even more sensitive than the head of the penis? Well, neither did I until I took Chris and Larkin’s “Blow Jobs & Beyond” workshop at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, California. If you don’t know what to get your man for Valentine’s Day, give him the gift of the perfect blowjob!

Here are some of Chris and Larkin’s best tips…

Give Him a Nice View

Guys are visual creatures. The first step is to dress up for his Valentine’s Day blowjob. Wear lingerie or whatever he finds you sexiest in. Next, find the right position that gives him a view of your favorite assets. If he’s a butt guy, give him a view of your ass by lying on your stomach facing down to service him.

Or, if he’s a boobs guy, have him sit on the bed or stand while you are on your knees in your best push-up bra. “Don’t forget eye contact,” says Chris, who not only teaches classes at The Pleasure Chest but is also founder of GoFraternize.org, which is a community for “guys who like guys.”

I personally like to have my fingernails nice and long and painted because a boyfriend once told me he loved how his cock looked in my hand.

Worship His Cock

Enthusiasm is the most important trait of a great blowjob. You see, men love their penises. They want you love their penises as well. If you love him, love his cock. Tell him it’s beautiful. Tell him you can’t wait to devour it. He needs to feel like it’s not a “job” for you.

“It’s empowering because it’s his prized possession,” says Chris. I could not agree more. And, as Larkin pointed out during the seminar, Samantha on Sex and the City once said, “Maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls!”

If you truly don’t love sucking dick, well, don’t do anything you don’t want to. But, try to give it a go, girls… especially for Valentine’s Day!

Practice Deep-Throating

Now, this is a new tip to me! If your guy is itching to have you deep-throat him, but your gag reflect just won’t allow it, you can actually train your natural gag reflex to not be so sensitive.

Here’s how: “Every day when you brush your teeth, brush the back of your tongue and go further back each time until you get used it,” advises Larkin.

I’m on Day 7 of Deep Throat Training and it’s going well. I’ll think I’ll be ready by Valentine’s Day! 

Don’t Forget The Frenulum

I always knew the tip of the penis was the most sensitive, but I didn’t know that the frenulum – the V-shaped ridge part of the head also called the “sweet spot” – is specifically the most sensitive. “Using your tongue in different ways on his frenulum. You can use the flat part of your tongue and then the pointy tip of your tongue. You can lick, suck, and blow on it, or try an ice cube,” says Chris.

Give Your Mouth a Rest

You are bound to give a better blowjob if you are comfortable and not stuck doing one monotonous thing over and over. “No one wants to spend 20 minutes straight sucking dick in one position. You want to mix it up by using toys, your mouth, and your hand. 80% of a good blowjob is a good handjob,” says Larkin.

Using an open-ended masturbation sleeve is a fun way to mix it up. This way you can be sucking and licking the tip of his penis while jerking him off with the sleeve. The Pleasure Chest’s Better Blowjob Kit includes a sleeve, a flavorful lube (to either help prevent dry mouth while sucking or to use for an easier handjob), and a vibrating cock ring to give him some extra fun down under.

My favorite BJ product is Doc Johnsons’ GoodHead Wet Head dry mouth spray in sweet strawberry. You’ll never have to worry about not having enough saliva again!

Read Dr. Ava ‘s Give The Perfect V-Day VJ here!

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift – A Kinky Massage!

Try Something Different This Valentine’s Day!

Scrambling for a Valentine’s Day gift idea and the standard heart shaped box of chocolates isn’t cutting it? Looking for something to make your partner feel appreciated, pampered, and help you both intimately connect? After reading my BDSM series, are you eager to try something a little unconventional? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, an erotic kinky massage may be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Even better, it won’t cost you a thing.

What exactly is a kinky massage?

You don’t have to be be an expert masseuse or an experienced BDSM master to give this type of massage. In fact it’s a great place to start experimenting with the four basic BDSM techniques from my last article.

A kinky massage combines full-body massage with BDSM play types like sensory deprivation, sensation play, bondage, and impact play. How much massage and kink you include is up to you and your partner. Those new to BDSM can keep things on the lighter side while more experienced players can bring in specialized equipment and play harder. Genital massage and sex can also be a part of your routine but they don’t have to be.
<h2″>How do I start?

Begin your kinky massage by undressing your lover and laying them on a massage table or comfortable bed. Because sensory deprivation is a key element in a kinky massage, a blindfold is a must. Headphones playing instrumental music can help the receiver further relax and tune out the outside world. Light restraints on the wrists and/or ankles may also do the same. Make sure the room is warm enough for their comfort and smells pleasant. Scented candles or incense are a nice addition.

You can start the session like any other full body massage. Take time working on major muscle groups and relaxing your partner. Don’t rush straight for the genitals. Instead concentrate on releasing all tension from their entire body. Using a sex friendly massage oil will allow you to transition to more erotic activities later without skipping a beat. Extra Virgin Coconut oil is a personal favorite and is safe for all types of genitals. Don’t use coconut oil with latex condoms, however, because oil is not compatible with latex.

Once your partner is completely relaxed and turned on, slowly transition in kinky elements.

In my last article I recommended opposites for sensation play. You’ll apply the same principles here. Gently rub something soft along their skin, then something slightly scratchy. Next go for warm and cold, firm and light, etc.

What do I use?

If you are just starting out, use ‘pervertables’ from around your home or those purchased inexpensively at a dollar store. Car washing mitts, feather dusters, bristle brushes, loofah sponges, kitchen utensils, and clothes pins are all wonderful items to repurpose as kinky sensation tools. Don’t forget to grab some sex toys from the bedside drawer too. You can use a simple bullet vibrator on nipples, the nape of the neck, or behind the knees for a unique sensation.

If you are a more experienced BDSM player, get out your floggers, nipple clamps, canes, and the like. Just like a vibrator has alternative sensual uses, so does some of your kinky equipment. Take your flogger and drizzle it across skin for a tickling sensation or use the handle as an impact instrument. No matter what your experience level, your imagination is one of the best tools you have in your arsenal.

It’s important to have your equipment and supplies laid out before you begin. Keep everything within easy reach for your kinky massage. Nothing kills the mood faster than running over to the closet to search for something you forgot.

How do I know what my partner will like or that I won’t go too far?

Before you begin, go over with your partner what they may or may not like during their massage. This pre-negotiation does not have to be as detailed as it would be for a heavier BDSM scene. You still need to find out the essentials, though. For instance, ask if they want to engage in impact play, if putting clothespins on their nipples is okay, if genital stimulation can be part of the massage, etc. Don’t forget to establish a safe word or signal so the receiver can let you know if you’ve crossed a boundary. Lastly, make sure to go over health issues or allergies that may affect the massage.

It’s also important go over how your partner likes to be rubbed because touch can be very subjective. I like firm, deep touches with the palm of the hand. The first time I massaged my husband I did it the way I like and he hated it! I found out he prefers light, soft strokes with the fingertips. Take a minute before you start to have your partner rub your arm the way they like to be touched. Then do it back on their arm to make sure you have the right technique down.

Read more about Bondassage

If erotic kinky massage sounds like something you may enjoy, I highly recommend reading Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Tips for Lovers by Jaeleen Bennis and Eve Minax. It’s a short book at a little over 100 pages that you can read in an afternoon. The Bondassage book is full of helpful information including specific massage techniques, music playlists, choreographed sample massage sequences, and equipment lists. Hands down, it’s the best resource on kinky massage available. If you’re curious what a Bondassage session is like check out this video.

Giving the gift of an erotic kinky massage for Valentine’s Day (or any day) can be a game changer in the bedroom. It’s a wonderful way to ease into BDSM or reacquaint you with a long time partner. You can even schedule massage time on a regular basis giving you each the opportunity to be the receiver. You never know, kinky erotic massage may just end up transforming your sex life.