Sunday, May 19, 2024

Digital Indiscretions – Part Three: Obsessions

Digital Indiscretions is a three part series on infidelity in the age of technology. The series is based on Dr. Ebony Utley’s interviews with U.S. women about their experiences with infidelity. Interviewees chose their own pseudonyms to protect their privacy.

The use of technology is not only about whether one can or will be unfaithful. Technology also plays a prominent role in how much a betrayed person wants to know. Some women do not want to know any details about their partner’s infidelity. Some women want to know everything. The discovery options aided by technology are vast—cell phones, caller ID, voicemail, email, texts, instant messages, PayPal, bank records, social media profiles, digital recordings, and even online maps.

Some discoveries among the women I interviewed were accidental, but most were the result of a focused and intentional obsession with discovering information about a partner’s affair.

Irene acknowledged, “For a number of years I lost my mind and started going through every email, every file, every underneath.” Pauline noticed that her boyfriend of two years was leaving his phone face down and liking smiley faces that women posted on his Facebook pictures. One night while he was sleeping she went through his phone because as she said, “I turn into an FBI agent when all this stuff happens.”

Several women admitted that were not proud of their actions. Janet confessed to stalking her boyfriend’s other girlfriend on social media—mostly Instagram. “I was literally stalking. I’m not even going to lie. I’m checking and I was like, ‘What are you doing?’ It’s consuming some hours of my day because every hour I’m checking. Is she saying something? Are they together? Are they around each other? I have to stop.” Ironically, Janet did not have a Twitter or an Instagram account; she would log onto friends’ accounts to gather information.

Alesia conceded to going too far while confirming her boyfriend’s infidelity when she said, “And then another time, there was this girl who left a message on his cell phone. I called that girl, which is so out of character for me. I hated that! I’m calling these girls asking what the dude is doing and stuff like that. I hated that. Because that’s the girl I always tried to avoid being. Looking through cell phone bills and bank accounts; he took me out of my element and I didn’t like that.”

Linda’s husband was a serial cheater. She perused cell phone records and financial statements, called hotels, searched his computer and iPad, and read messages. She even emailed one of his mistresses.

“So I did something that’s not very nice. I created a fake Gmail account that sounded just like it would be his Gmail account and I emailed her and I said, ‘Hey, what’s going on? This is the best way to contact me right now. How’re you doing?’ She writes back, “Oh I feel like somebody that’s lost her best friend. I’ve missed you so much and not being able to talk to you is just awful. You can’t live like this. Your wife is crazy. Just go get a disposable cell phone. Go to the pay phone if they still have them. Do anything. I have to talk to you.” And so then I started asking questions. I made up questions that I supposed he would ask, like “What do you want from us?” And she said, “I want to be walking down the beach hand in hand, growing old together but I know that’s not what you’re telling me is going to happen.” That made me feel sad. I probably hurt her.

Linda admitted, “I have a PhD in each of his affairs.” Later in the interview she mused, “I think I got addicted to the hunt, the hunt for information.” A hunt that was made possible by the same technology her husband used to be unfaithful.

How obsessive would you become about a hunt? In “The Entire History of You” episode of an excellent series (I am very biased) titled Black Mirror, the characters each have a device called a grain that allows them to replay their past memories. Here’s a huge SPOILER ALERT: the main character becomes obsessive about his wife’s relationship with a “friend” and uses their grains to eventually confirm his wife’s infidelity. Watch the video:

The episode is incredibly entertaining and admittedly it seemed far-fetched until July 22, 2015, when Google received a patent for a searchable video archive of anyone wearing a device similar to Google Glass. A device and storage system like this could make recalling our sexual greatest hits easier than ever, but it would also make it easier for partners and others to hack them as well. How would you feel about living in a world where every aspect of one’s digital indiscretions were archived and accessible online? How obsessed would you become?

How To Make Love To A Penis

oral sex

Among the many lessons I’ve learned from the men in my life, one that may come as a particular surprise to women is that not all blowjobs are created equal. In fact, there is such a thing as a bad blow job, and men are disappointed with their partners’ orals skills more than ladies may know. Why? “She was just trying to hurry up and get the job done,” is an explanation I hear over and over again.

Although women do earn kudos for being proactive in bed, many of them seem to be going through the motions, something men actually do notice and do experience frustration with.

While there is a time and a place for all techniques, we ladies must remember that we aren’t the only gender who appreciates slow sensuality and the art of lovemaking. Men may not vocalize it, but they also like moments of non-penetrative body worship. Even if he doesn’t yet know the pleasures of cock-amory, if you will, trust that he’ll want more of it after you orally express your loving desire for his lingam.

So how exactly does one “make love to the penis,” as one of my frustrated male friends described it? Slow down, baby, and become more involved.

Remember that he has sensitivity around his cock, not just in it, and that licking, kissing and sucking not just his dick, but other areas very close by can create a sensational buildup and delightful breaks in between those moments your mouth is full of phallus. Guys go nuts over their nuts being played with and I’ve never met a man who didn’t welcome his perineum being teased.

Use your tongue, not just your lips, when you work your way up and down his dick, and remember that the varied use of a free hand will create a more robust sensation when combined with your sensual suck.

Men aren’t always looking for a jerking up and down motion, they actually love to be stroked, tickled and caressed while your mouth is exploring his body and capturing his gentle reactions to your controlled, wet, movements. Try gently and slowly stroking his shaft while also softly sucking a testicle. Or, try teasing just the dense nerve endings of his glans and corona with the inside of your lips while massaging his taint or his anus.

There are so many different bits to give attention to and so many ways to do it, so if you think you may be stuck in an oral rut, definitely try to slow it down and switch things up. Oral sex is not Daft Punk. Harder, faster and stronger does not mean better.

Again, there’s a time and place for everything, but if we stop thinking of giving oral sex as a motion that must quickly be completed, and start treating the act like his body is poetry rolling off our tongues and feathers under our fingertips, you may find that your skills quickly earn the title of “best blowjob ever.”

Yes, ladies, men do want to be made love to, and so do their penises.

Is A WAP A Good Thing? – Everything You Need To Know About Vaginal Wetness

This week, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion cemented themselves as sex icons with their new single, WAP, an anthem for vaginal wetness. It’s definitely a bitchin’ song both in its musical & lyrical merit and its unique position in a male-dominated genre in our patriarchal society—plus, it makes me believe I can rapbut that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Brittney McNamara from Teen Vogue does a better job at tackling this.

WAP Cardi B

What I’d like to talk about is the sex ed side of having a wet ass pussy. Believe it or not, there are actual people who feel concerned about their vaginas needing a bucket and a mop. And, with Ben Shapiro and his doctor wife using science as an excuse to shame sex-loving sluts everywhere, it’s hard to find a comprehensive answer for the innocent souls googling “Is my pussy too wet? Is it too dry?” this week.

So, cue the Sexperts. (That’s us.)

 

Vaginal wetness is totally normal.

Long story short: having a wet ass pussy is 100% normal. Especially if you’re sexually aroused. And, particularly if your partner is insanely attractive. That wet vagina is A-ok.

A wet vagina (or wet ass pussy) is a regular biological and physiological response to being in the mood. Its purpose is to make sure that your vagina is lubricated during sex, so that you’re comfortable, safe, and having fun. Personal lubricants, or simply lube, has secured a spot in our sex drawers along with condoms because they mimic this natural phenomenon.

Go lube!

Why does vaginal wetness happen?

The exact composition of this fluid varies from case to case. There are a lot of factors that contribute to vaginal wetness, from hormones to medication to stress. But generally, they come from two important and special glands: Bartholin’s and Skene’s.

Bartholin's Ducts and Glands

Infographic from MyVagina

The Bartholin’s glands are located to the left and to the right of the vaginal opening. It secretes a thin and slippery fluid that lubricates the vaginal walls. You can even spread it to your labia and your clitoris to make foreplay more comfortable. This vaginal discharge is primarily made of alkaline fluids.

The Vulva Skene's Glands FULL VERSION

Infographic from MyVagina

On the other hand, the Skene’s glands are found a little higher up. They’re paired ducts around the urethra, and produce a watery fluid that kind of resembles pee. While the source of the female ejaculation is still a mystery, it’s widely speculated that the Skene’s glands are responsible for it. Yep, we squirt through it!

grey powder

Photo by Pascal Meier

Why am I wet even if I’m not sexually aroused?

As emphasized earlier, your vagina’s got you. It constantly creates fluids to keep it moist and clean, and safe from injury and tearing. This vaginal discharge is from cervical glands and the vaginal walls. It’s normal to have about 2 to 5 mL of this clear, mucus-like discharge on the daily. While that cervical mucus is also produced during sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it showing up means you’re aroused. (It also means that being wet isn’t sexual consent.)

Vaginal discharge even looks different from time to time, depending on your menstrual cycle, your ovulation, if you’re pregnant, and if you’re taking hormones and birth control. In fact, the consistency of this vaginal discharge can even tell you a lot about your ovulation and pregnancy!

How to check cervical mucus

Infographic from VeryWell

Infographic from VeryWell

Similar to cervical mucus is the milky-white secretion from the Skene’s glands. While I did say it’s speculated that this is where all the magic (squirting) happens, it also has an important role in keeping your urinary tract free from infection. Its fluids have antimicrobial properties, proving that yes, your wet vagina does the cooking AND the cleaning.

Another common reason for vaginal wetness is simply just sweat. It might be the general area you’re in, but it could also be the type of underwear you’re wearing or how bushy your pubic hair is. And if you’ve got sexy thick thighs, vaginal sweat is more likely to happen.

Other factors that might be giving you a WAP while you’re not sexually aroused might be stress, your mental health, and any other medication you might be taking.

Related: I Tried CBD Lube & This is What Happened…

When should I worry then?

Alright, maybe having a WAP isn’t ALWAYS a good thing, but it’s your wet vagina letting you know that there’s something wrong. So that’s still cool. Pay attention to the vaginal discharge, its color, the texture, its smell, and its consistency so you know when to see the doctor. Though your vagina’s a strong, independent self-cleaning organ, there are some battles that need reinforcement in the form of suppositories or oral medication.

Vaginal Discharge Infographic

Infographic by UnityPoint

Now go listen to this song dedicated to women and people with vulvas who love sex. Wet vaginas for the win.

Photo by Lewis Fagg

Related:

Your Sexy Guide To Body Safe Lubricants – Part 1

How To Make A Threesome Happen

Couples can’t always give each other everything they need sexually in a long-term relationship. Sometimes introducing a third person is exactly what you both want to keep your sex life fresh with novelty. Engaging in a threesome can be one of the most memorable sexual experiences a couple can have, but make sure the memories are positive.

Communication is key when it comes to opening up your relationship to a third person. Don’t gloss over your wants and needs before you dive in to the experience. If you feel strongly that there shouldn’t be penetration for example, say so. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for resentments and jealousy. Laying down a basic set of guidelines allows more freedom in the moment.

Where To Find Your Third Wheel

It’s never been easier to find an adult playmate using the Internet, where you can send messages on dating sites such as OkCupid or Plenty of Fish, or go to ThreesomeDatingSite or Adult Friend Finder.  Be clear with your request, and expect some back and forth so that you can all get to know each other. You can use the acronyms MMF (male, male, female) or MFF, MMM and FFF (or any combination) to designate what kind of third you are seeking.

I recommend having a three-way ‘date’ ahead of time with no sexual expectations, so that you can discuss your fantasies and all parties can become comfortable with each other. This extra step makes the sexual anticipation and experience much more satisfying, as you’re all connecting on a deeper level. I’m not saying you have to be best friends (in fact, I discourage having sex with good platonic friends), but when you’ve spent some time and had a conversation together, even if briefly, things generally go much more smoothly in bed later.

Another alternative for finding a third is to go to a bar, swing club or even a BDSM dungeon with the intention of picking up another person who might be interested in participating in a consensual three-way experience. Clear communication is even more important in these settings at the beginning, as you don’t have the benefit of the website introduction to pave the way for your ultimate intention. But when in doubt, listen to your intuition and be on the side of caution as it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Negotiation

Make sure you talk about each person’s interests and desires, including boundaries and deal breakers about kissing, oral sex, intercourse, anal and sleepovers. It’s also a good idea to have a code word or signal for “STOP” that everyone understands, such as traffic light colors RED for STOP and GREEN for GO. In the heat of the moment, you might need a safe way to stop the action.

Try this WANT, WILL, WON’T exercise for sexual activities during the negotiation process. My clients have found it to be a very useful jumping off point for opening up the lines of communication and encouraging each party to fully express their desires and boundaries.

The first slide shows what the desires and boundaries mean, and the second slide is filled in with items from a sexual menu.

Will Want WontWill Want Wont 2

Dinner & Sexy Games

Planning a sexy night for three-way sex can be a lot of fun. Start by ordering everyone’s favorite food and arrange comfortable seating without a cumbersome table in the way. For some flirty conversation, try topics like turns on and turn offs, or show and tell.

Once things get sexy, you can begin to feed each other playfully and lick food off your partner’s body to entice the other person to join in. A little alcohol can also ease the tension and rev up the sex drive, but don’t pour the drinks too strong or too often because consent is sexy, and you want to make sure you’re enhancing your sex life, not creating drama.

Play some icebreaker adult games such as Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare or Strip Poker to get everyone in the mood for naughtiness. Be sure to have plenty of condoms, lube and some sex toys on hand to keep the party playful. Always change condoms when going from anal to vaginal and never share sex toys, so have plenty of each at hand. Use a new condom with each partner!

Take turns getting and giving a four handed massage to relax and then arouse by exploring all of the erogenous zones from head to toe. Organic coconut oil is smooth and silky on the skin, as is massage glide, or warming and cooling, can increase sensitivity and flavored massage products can be a tasty treat for the giver of pleasure, just as much as the receiver.

In The Moment

Say things to make your partner feel confident. Saying, “I love you,” “You’re such a great lover,” and other positive compliments can make your partner feel confident and secure, diminishing any competitive feelings they might have about the third person.

Never leave anyone out. You don’t want a threesome that’s unbalanced, where two people’s interactions dominate at the expense of the third. There’s always a way to expand your touch and attention to include that third person.

Make sure you have water nearby so that your mouth doesn’t get dry right when you want to kiss, lick or suck.

Positions For 1 Man, 2 Women

This is one of the top fantasies for men, but lots of women are game to let their man watch them with another woman. A hot sexual position is for the man to enter his partner in doggy style while she goes down on the other woman. Alternatively, he can be getting a blowjob from the new woman while his partner sits on his face. And of course there are endless combinations of 69-inspired positions to please everyone.

Positions for 1 Woman, 2 Men

This female sex fantasy can result in double penetration and one of the best positions for that is for one man to lay on his back so the woman can sit on him in cowgirl position while the other man inserts his penis from behind her for anal penetration, as she leans forward. This is known as an MFM threesome experience, and of course there are many other sexual positions that include oral pleasures for everyone.

The Role Of Sex Toys

Adding sex toys into your threesome can prolong the experience, add extra visual eroticism and playfulness. It can help women have orgasms more easily, and allow men to take the pressure off the demand on their erections. You can even consider giving your third a sex toy to take home as a memento of the occasion. Some of my favorite sex toys for threesomes are The Screaming O cock ring, We-Vibe wearable vibrator and of course, an adjustable strap-on with a harness.

Exploring Your Same Sex Fantasies

In a sexual threesome, the same sex parties are key in creating chemistry with each other. This is an exciting opportunity to explore same sex fantasies and try out experimentation that you’ve only dreamed of, such as tribbing between women and docking between men.

The Power Of Imaginary Threesomes

If you’re not ready to have another person participate in a three-way yet, then you can make this fantasy come true through the power of suggestion and lots of graphic dirty talk. Describe to each other what the third person would be doing, and how.

If you’re at a loss about how to get started, try using some of these phrases and fill in the blanks, directing your sexy language at your partner and your imaginary third as well.

It feels so good when you touch my__________.

Your ______________ is beautiful.

I want you to ___________ my _____________.

I love your ____________________.

My _______________is so______________.

_______________ me in the __________________.

You are so ______________________.

Pros & Cons Of A Threesome

Pros

Fun – Threesomes can be exciting and naughty, playful and thoroughly entertaining because of their taboo nature. You can expand your sexual horizons with erotic new visuals, new sexual positions and by discovering new erogenous zones.

Hormone boost – Threesomes get your feel-good hormones flowing from increased Testosterone to surging Dopamine.

Exploration – Same sex fantasies and two-on-one fantasies are very common and here’s your opportunity to make them come true.

Discovery – Discover new ways of touching and being touched, and new ways in which you like to be aroused.

Freedom – You can be uninhibited, making love ‘outside the box.’

Increased sex drive – more orgasmic intensity may result from the new excitement of a third partner.

Passion – Threesomes can rekindle passion in a predictable relationship.

Afterglow – You might feel more sexual satisfaction than you’ve ever experienced and want to do it again!

Cons

Jealousy – You might be afraid that your partner will get emotionally attached to the third person, or worry that they are a more skilled lover.

Performance issues – Men might have anxiety about getting an erection or keeping it up in front of two people at once.

Feelings of inadequacy – Men or women may feel intimidated by being ‘compared’ to another person physically or sexually.

Competition – Threesomes bring up issues of rivalry, where one party may engage in a sexual contest with another.

Awkwardness afterwards – Unless you’ve negotiated your ‘happy ending,’ there could be an awkward moment where no one knows what to do when the sex is over.

STDS – Expanding your sexual horizons also means expanding your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Always use condoms.

Embarrassment – Three people makes for more potential embarrassing noises and moments, but try to use a sense of humor to overcome any mishaps.

Look at this pros and cons list with your partner to help make the decision together about whether or not to try a threesome. Ask each other how important a threesome is, on a scale of one to ten, where ten means it’s a dealbreaker for the relationship.

Honor your partner’s feelings about the possibility, and understand that the answer may very well be “No” but if you do go forward as a couple, make sure that your own relationship foundation is strong and that you’re plan is to have well-intentioned sexy fun.

Give The Perfect V-Day VJ: Cunninglingus Tips

Give the perfect VJ for the sexiest Valentine’s Day gift ever!

These oral sex techniques will create truly memorable sex and have her begging for more.

Start Slow to Build Sexual Anticipation

First, slowly and sensuously caress, kiss and lick every part of her body from head to toe. You can use your own breath, hair or a feather to tease her hot spots and give her goosebumps. Use your cool and warm breath, followed by a variation of short flicking motions and long lapping motions with your tongue on the nape of her neck, her throat, between her breasts, over her hips, and then romantically kiss and lick the inside of her thighs to create sexual anticipation.

Since most women orgasm through oral sex more often than through sexual intercourse, it’s very important to get to know a woman’s vulva and vagina up close and personal. It you want to rock her world, you need to know how to heighten her arousal one step at a time in slow motion.

Encourage her to lie back comfortably with a pillow under her head and another under her buttocks. Raising her pelvis with a pillow will provide you with the best access to her clitoris, vagina and anus. It will also help alleviate strain from your neck. Keep her legs spread flat on the bed so that you can lie between them.

Explore Her Vulva like Her Mouth

You can’t go wrong if you make out with her vulva the same way as you do with her mouth, using your lips and tongue passionately.

Lavish the entire outside of the vagina with circular tongue motions and make a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with her as it increases the intimacy between you.

Get her mons as wet as you can with your mouth and passionately make out with it. When it comes to oral sex, enthusiasm is even more important than technique. Use your hands to draw her hips toward you.

Kissing Her Vagina

French kiss the inner and outer lips of her vagina as you use the flat of your tongue with consistent long strokes, pressure and speed from the bottom to the top of the vaginal opening.

Spread and suck on her lips gently while caressing her heart for a deeper heart connection. The more she trusts you, the more uninhibited she will be.

Pay attention to her body language. If she’s pushing her pelvis toward you, or doing a pelvic rocking motion, there’s a good chance that she’s having a great time. If she’s pulling her body away, then stop and ask what you can do to please her. Every woman is different!

Clitoris

Gently lick with a pointy tongue around the clitoral hood, and then on top of it, before pulling it back, as the 8000 clitoral nerve endings create intense sensitivity.

Try playfully writing the alphabet on her entire vulva with your tongue, continuing to twist and slide your tongue in different ways, alternating from up and down, side-to-side, small and big circles, soft and firm, quick and slow, pointed and flat. If all goes according to plan, she’ll have the big “O” before your get to the letter “O.”

Take in one big suck on her clitoris and gently shake your head from side to side as you breath through your nose. Beware of too much pressure and avoid using your teeth.

Suck on her clitoris as if it were a nipple. Wrap your lips around, and start sucking lightly, then add more pressure until she signals you to stop. Make humming sounds with your lips so they vibrate on her clitoris because ‘Mmmmmm’ is not just a sound, it’s a sensation that can awaken her most erotic senses. Then follow up with some very light finger taps directly on the clitoris for sexual peak sensation and go back and forth with your mouth and finger until it takes her over the edge.

Stroke her perineum (located between the anus and vaginal opening) gently while sucking on her clitoris.

Add Sensations

Suck on some ice before licking her clitoris, meanwhile, use your two thumbs to massage her labia in circular motions.

Drink some hot liquid and then suck and twirl your hot tongue over her clitoris. Be creative!

Don’t be shy about getting some help in the stimulation department. Sex toys can take the pressure of the giver, and women love them because they feel so good. Try the Lingo by Screaming O for added vibrations.

Change Positions

Try changing positions slightly in these creative ways, to increase access, switch things up and increase pleasure.

Place the woman’s legs over your shoulders so that you can hold her ankles. This is a great position for the giver of oral pleasure to feast their eyes on the woman’s entire vagina from top to bottom.

Try the woman sitting on her lover’s face, facing away. This position makes her feel uninhibited because her lover cannot see her face, but she is in total control of the angle, speed, motion and pressure of her oral satisfaction.

Swing her legs up and over as far as they’ll go comfortably. This is a highly erotic visual position for her lover to see her vagina fully protruding. It makes for easy oral access – especially to the G-spot.

Try doggy style with the woman on all fours and her butt high in the air. This is the best position for the giver of oral pleasure because the pressure is off their neck and back. I would recommend kneeling on the floor while the woman’s butt is angled over the bed. This gives you a great visual of her entire vulva for easy oral access and is also great because the woman can stimulate her clitoris simultaneously. Stick your tongue out as far as you can to lick her from her perineum to her clitoris and repeat until she is satisfied.

If you want to try some vertical fun, have her stand like a tulip before you and spread her labia. The sensation of being pleasured while standing in a dominant stance can add to the eroticism and satisfy a woman’s wildest fantasies. The receiver is in control here, so she can direct her lover’s dead and guide them to the exact angle and push their head back for gentler pressure

Penetration

Ask her if she’d like to feel a finger inside her, and it she responds positively,

slip one or two fingers inside her vagina (only if she’s already wet) and cross your index / middle finger, then move it in and out, twisting and rotating it corkscrew style as you gently lick her clitoris. Encourage her to tell you what she likes, as partner communication is key to experiencing great sex.

Steaming Diamond Technique

Take a washcloth and cut a four-inch diagonal slit in the middle. Then dip it in a bowl of hot water, wring it out and place the washcloth over her vagina at a 45 degree angle so that it looks like a diamond instead of a square. Line the slit up with her vagina and use your hands to press and hold the washcloth in place as you insert your tongue between the slit to make oral magic happen!

G-Spot Joy

Insert one or two fingers and discover her G-spot while licking her clitoris, but make sure she is already wet and willing. Begin by resting your thumb on her clitoris while inserting the middle finger of your prominent hand in a “come her” motion into her vagina, palm up. Just imagine there is a clock on the inside of your lover’s vagina and you are stroking from 6 o’clock (at the bottom of her vaginal opening) to 12 o’clock (her G-spot). Use long strokes, creating an energetic circuit between your thumb and finger. Now replace your thumb on her clitoris with your mouth and tap her G-spot with your finger while you lick her clitoris. If all goes well, she will have an internal and external orgasm simultaneously.

Let her push you away when her orgasm has ended. A woman’s orgasm can last much longer than a man’s by the way, especially a clitoral and G-spot orgasm combined, which can result in deeper, more intense spasms, followed by waves of pleasure until she feels like she’s going to explode. She may ejaculate, and that’s all part of the pleasure!

Tri-Gasm

The only technique to top the blended clitoral G-spot orgasm is the TriGasm!

A female TriGasm is the result of arousing three points of pleasure – the clitoris, G-spot and anus simultaneously.

Step 1: The woman should lie back while her partner lavishes her clitoris with oral pleasure until she has reached a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 1 to 10.

Step 2: Change course and stimulate her vulva in small circles with your tongue.

Step 3: Return to the clitoris and orally increase her level of pleasure to a 9, almost to the point of no return.

Step 4: At this peak, insert your forefinger palm up into her vagina and find her G-spot, then tap, tap, tap it gently towards her navel.

Step 5: Simultaneously with steps 3 and 4, stimulate her anus gently with a vibrator to bring her to a mind-blowing, magical TriGasm!

Analingus

Give her erotic shivers by licking down her spine, swirling your tongue as you trail your way towards her butt. Gently open up her butt cheeks to see if she’s receptive to anal play.

Use the tip of your tongue to lick around her ass cheeks playfully. Some women enjoy a little light spanking in this position as it makes them feel very naughty. Be sure to watch for her body language as to whether she wants it lighter or harder.

Analingus involves kissing and licking up and down the ass crack, as well as sliding the tongue in and out of the anus itself. As a word of caution, you should know that the anus is not as clean as the vagina. In fact, it is filled with bacteria, so unprotected analingus can transmit viruses that include HIV, hepatitis, herpes and warts. Using a barrier such as a dental dam or even transparent food wrap can be fun and safe.

One more rule is that once your mouth or fingers touch your lover’s anus, her vagina is off limits, so no going from the back door to the front as it can spread bacteria.

But it’s worth the effort because the anal area, like the clitoris, has thousands of nerve endings that can drive her to sexual ecstasy.

As a new master or mistress of cunnilingus and analingus, you can do no wrong. These techniques and tips go a long way to creating peak sexual memories that will keep her happy, and not just on Valentine’s Day.

Read Carrie Borzillo’s Give The Perfect V-Day BJ here!

What’s Your Sexual Personality?

One of my life goals is to help couples discover their compatibilities in order to enrich their sex lives. In my decades-long private practice, I’ve helped many people who didn’t know how to relate to each other, mostly because they were speaking their own language instead of learning the language of their partner. So I developed a unique sexual personality to enhance a much more fulfilling love life mentally, physically and sexually.

This work is what inspired me to start my ongoing research project on sexual compatibility which has reached over 2,500 participants since 2015. Please take a moment to take my anonymous survey here. We don’t collect IP addresses or e-mails – it’s completely private so that individuals feel free to express their true feelings. Plus, it’s fun to answer the questions and think about your own preferences and desires! I encourage you to add to this valuable study.

Here are some of the questions in the survey that are answered on a rating scale, to give you an idea of how we’re trying to categorize behavior to come up with compatibility solutions:

  1. How important is it that your long-term partner is good in bed?
  2. Do you like to plan your sexual activity?
  3. How do you express love?
  4. How much do you enjoy the following acts? Erotic embrace while dressed, deep kissing, stroking your sexual partner’s genitals, giving or receiving oral sex, favorite intercourse positions, anal sex.

The study is based on psychology’s well-established ‘Big Five’ personality traits called OCEAN (Open, Conscientious, Extroverted, Agreeable, Neurotic) which began with the research of D. W. Fiske (1949) and was continued by other researchers including Norman (1967), Smith (1967), Goldberg (1981), and McCrae & Costa (1987).

Here are some brief descriptions of the five sexual personalities I created based on the ‘Big Five’ psychological personality types. Read them all and see what jumps out at you as familiar or not ‘you’ at all.  Find yourself and your partner in these personality types, and choose more than one if you like! It’s all about figuring out who you are and how to successfully communicate with others. There are more detailed descriptions in my free e-book Your Sexual Personality: Find and Keep Your Perfect Match.

OCEAN Sexual Personalities

Open

If you have an Open personality, you are creative and outgoing sexually. You feel comfortable giving the kind of love you would like to receive and are more likely to have adventurous fantasies like threesomes, domination or exhibitionism.

Conscientious

Conscientious lovers are the most mindful, and pay attention with all of their five senses. If you’re sexually conscientious, you are more likely to believe that relationships can be “worked on” to achieve compatibility. You require a higher level of trust before becoming intimate with someone, and are more likely to be turned off by the idea of someone else finding your partner sexy.

Extroverted

Sex with an Extroverted person is energetic and exciting as they enjoy risky sex locales and erotic communication. If you are an extrovert sexually, you’re more likely to be the one who initiates sex and more likely to enjoy sex acts others may consider taboo, like group sex or BDSM.

Agreeable

Agreeable personalities in bed are passionate and loveable with lots of enthusiasm to please their lover. If you’re an Agreeable lover, you are the most likely of all the personalities to be turned on by taking a romantic bath, dancing or sharing meals, and are more likely to express your love through compliments.

Neurotic

Neurotic lovers can be the wildest sexually or the least sexual, depending upon their mood, as they are highly emotional and sensitive. If you are considered a Neurotic sexual personality, you are significantly less willing to talk about your desires and you have difficulty expressing your love. You are less likely to be the one who says, “I love you” first in a relationship.

Did you recognize yourself? Many people find they are a combination of personalities, with some traits from one type and others from another. So what can we do with this information? My e-book also gives you lots of sexy tips for each personality type, but here are a few at-a-glance ideas you can use at home today to spice up your sex life.

If You Are Sexually Open…

Feed your sexual appetite and increase intimacy with new sexual activities you haven’t tried, whether it’s Tantric sex or sensual BDSM power play. Striptease is also a great option for you since you have fewer inhibitions. Even if your partner is not as open as you are, they might enjoy the show! For some Open couples, inviting a third into the mix can also be an appealing idea. Sexually Open and Agreeable people are most compatible because both types are able to give the kind of sex that they need for satisfaction.

If You Are Sexually Conscientious…

Build romance with a bubble bath after a stressful day, followed by an erotic massage or mutual masturbation to promote sexual health and wellbeing. Add erotic talk for orgasmic intensity! As a sexually Conscientious person, you might enjoy taking sexy selfies and sending them to your lover in a ‘for your eyes only’ message that gives them a thrill and makes you feel valued and loved. A Conscientious lover with another Conscientious or an Agreeable lover offers the most compatibility because they are both more likely to express their feelings.

If You Are Sexually Extroverted…

You find it easy to talk about your sex fantasies, especially to another Extrovert, or an Open person, who are your best sex matches. Since you are more likely to make the first move initiating sex, be sure to find out your lover’s boundaries on any unexplored erotic desires you want to explore. You are more likely to enjoy a game of strip poker or be on board to discover his P-spot or her G-spot during sex. Role-playing games may also excite you, for example pretending to be strangers at a bar, and going home together as if you’ve never met!

If You Are Sexually Agreeable…

As the most flexible lover of all the personalities, work on getting your sexual needs met by stating your desires through dirty talk. As you’re likely turned on by erotic visuals, ask your lover to do a striptease and masturbate for your voyeuristic pleasure before having sex.

As an Agreeable, you can create a sex match with anyone – even a Neurotic lover can fall in love or lust with you. Try giving or receiving an erotic massage with a happy ending.

If You Are Sexually Neurotic…

For great sexual experiences, focus your attention on pleasing your lover before yourself. And before sex, have a date that involves laughter such as watching a funny movie or going to a comedy club, as this will access parts of your brain that will help you to relax before sex. Masturbation is a surefire winner for your personality type, and you can work on letting that extend into your sexual relationship as mutual masturbation. Sexually Neurotic people are most compatible with Agreeable personalities.

No matter which sexual personality type or combination of types describe you and your partner, have fun exploring your compatibilities together. And remember, every couple can learn from each other, whether the compatibility test says you’re a good match or not. If you have chemistry, you can train each other to express love in the way that you both want and need for a fulfilling relationship. Just taking the test and reading the e-book will make you feel more empowered with the knowledge that communication is something you can improve.

Why It Matters When You Want Sex

Sometimes partners just don’t want sex at the same time. This simple discrepancy can lead to dissatisfaction when sex never seems to happen, or miscommunication when neither person talks about why sex never seems to happen – and even arguments, with accusations like, “You never want sex.” Sound familiar?

In a survey of 2,300 people in Britain, almost two-thirds of women (63 per cent) and 54 per cent of men said they wanted sex as much as their current partner.

However, there were big differences in how couples’ sex drives vary during the week.

  • Just over half of men (51 per cent) said their sex drive was pretty constant, compared to just 36 per cent of women.
  • Almost half of women (47 per cent) said their sex drive was driven by their moods but this applied to just 34 per cent of men.
  • More than two-thirds of women (68 per cent) and 63 per cent of men had dated someone whose sex drive was different from their own.
  • This caused issues for 44 per cent of women but just a third (33 per cent) of men.

The survey revealed a staggering difference in the sexes’ optimum moment for passion:

It found that 78 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women desire sex most at different times of the day.

  • Men feel at their friskiest first thing in the morning. More than a quarter (28 per cent) most desire sex between 6am and 9am – with the most popular time at 7.54am.
  • Just 11 per cent of women feel most passionate at this time. Desire levels for women rise throughout the day and reach their peak between 11pm and 2am.

In short, one is a morning person, and the other a night owl.

It is common knowledge that most couples have sexual drive discrepancy (one wanting sex more than the other). However what is also a common complaint in my practice is when they want sex. Sex becomes a chore when one’s body just wants to sleep!

What can be done?

Here are some of my suggestions:

  1. Prioritize sleep – A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that women who get one more hour of sleep increase their sex drive. A sleepy person is a grumpy person. Since we deal with sleep deprivation differently, we really ought to quit judging, comparing and complaining.
  2. Make time for sex – We schedule time for everything else that’s important. How about if we get over our digust for the lack of spontanity? This is life. We have challenges and things come up. Therefore, we need to make time for what’s important, even if it means penciling it down!
  3. Adapt and adjust – Some compromise and negotiation needs to be involved to adapt and adjust to each other’s needs, wants and desires. An example might be sex in the morning this week, and evening the next.
  4. Discuss and discuss – Keep communication channels open. Even when there is no conclusion, this can be the one thing that helps when frustration is high and cross words are exchanged.
  5. Seek help – There is absolutely no need to soldier on and suffer in silence. Often, a trained external party like myself can come in and bring illumination to the situation.

Sex is more than sex. A happy couple who are both sexually happy are stronger as individuals for it.

Orgy Turns Disabilities Into Abilities

Congratulations Stella Palikarova, a disability awareness consultant in Toronto for pioneering the first ever orgy entitled “The Deliciously Disabled” – a sex night for 125 disabled, sexually excited, and liberated people.

Let’s face it, swing clubs and brothels should be legalized for everyone worldwide, including the physically disabled. People with disabilities have the same feelings and need for love, intimacy and sexual gratification as anyone else. Dennis Hof’s world famous Bunny Ranch is proud to welcome people with all kinds of disabilities and has wheelchair access with special assistance by beautiful women who love to have sex for a living.

We are all sexual beings from the moment we are born to the moment we die and sex is a precious gift that we all deserve no matter what. This resonated for me when I interviewed Asta Philpot, a young, fun loving, productive, sexy, intelligent man who took some disabled men to Spain to lose their virginity in a brothel. I loved his film because it was about truth without any judgment.

Asta was born with arthrogryposis, which left him immobile below his neck. He has feeling in his body, but is unable to move any part. However, he has no limitations when it comes to sex.

Asta had sex for the first time in a licensed Spanish brothel with his families blessing and it has made him even happier, more fulfilled than before.  Check out his short compelling video above with yours truly as well as Reverend Michael Beckwith founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles.

This year’s sex orgy will take place on August 14 at the same time Toronto is hosting the Parapan Am Games. TORONTO 2015 will be the fifth edition of the Parapan Am Games and will feature 1,500 athletes from 28 countries competing in 15 sports. All sports will be Paralympic qualifiers for the Rio 2016 Paralympic Games. Sports for athletes with a disability have existed for more than 100 years.

If you are interested in learning more about how to turn disabilities into abilities, especially in the bedroom, you’re in luck because I have created an online course that will educate and inspire you.

To Spit Or Swallow?

I was in the nail salon, gazing at a turned off television flanked by fake flowers, when the age-old question, “Do you spit or swallow?” eeked into my brain. “Spit or swallow” is the harshly limited ultimatum posed to teenagers, and most of us haven’t heard it since high school. Back then, I’m pretty sure I knew girls who answered both ways. Not being on the receiving end of fellatio, I took little note of who said what or why.

While one hand soaked and the other’s nails were filed, I wondered, “does anyone really spit?” Do women actually take ejaculate into their mouths and then spit it out because they object to swallowing? Is there a reason for objecting to swallowing other than disliking the taste? Doesn’t everyone know that tastebuds are on the tongue and not in the stomach?

While my polish was applied, I determined that no, no one spits. At least not anyone out of high school, and probably not even teenagers, given the extent of information and entertainment on the internet. That might have been that (I’m good at deciding things and singularly declaring them to be true) if the subject hadn’t come up later that night.

Our spit vs. swallow conversation derived from the topic of sexual education and the darnedest things kids say. A friend’s pre-teen had recently learned that oral sex is a thing, and wondered why people do it.

“So, but, do kids actually still talk about ‘spit or swallow’?” I interjected. Does ANYONE spit? I mean, for reasons other than being stimulated by the visual of spitting and then maybe licking it back up?”

I got a few blank looks and the familiar comment, “You’re on the other far side of the spectrum.”

Someone suggested I conduct I survey. We all admitted that, coming from Taboo’s social media followers, the results would be extremely biased. Then I did it anyway.

Here’s what my seven question, extremely biased “Let’s Talk About Head” survey taught me:

60% of women really enjoy giving head. 30% dig it when they’re in the mood, and 10% will do it to please their partners. Conversely, a whopping 90% of men love performing oral sex and only one responded that he didn’t enjoy it at all.

When it comes to climax, 75% of women and 84% of men want to do it in their partners’ mouths.

When I asked how women feel about their partner climaxing in their mouths, 58% said it turns them on. 33% responded “It’s nice, I guess.” 7% refuse it.

Contrarily, 88% of my male respondents are turned on by receiving orgasm orally! High fives!

 Finally, do women spit or swallow?

My super-scientifically sound survey determines that 79% of women swallow.

7% spit because they don’t don’t enjoy swallowing, 5% spit because they find it erotic, and 9% never let ejaculate touch their lips. Those who find spitting erotic were some of the first to respond, so I’m pretty sure they’re my employees, but I stand by the authenticity of my results.

So, okay, a few of you do spit. Color me the teensiest bit wrong and the slightest bit confused. However, I like it when sexual practices surprise me. It means folks are keeping it fresh, which is one of the first rules of good sex.

Another is being true to yourself. While pushing personal boundaries is often stimulating, no one should feel pressured to participate in what makes them uncomfortable.

You do you, but I’ll leave you with a healthful facts about semen:

  • Is a natural anti-depressant
  • Contains anti-anxiety hormones
  • Encourages better sleep through melatonin
  • Improves memory and brain function
  • Contains zinc, an antioxidant that slows aging

Cheers.

100 Ways to Practice Self-Love: Celebrate Single’s Awareness Day

Hello Sexy Sexpert Peeps!

Today is Valentine’s and tomorrow is Single’s Awareness Day.  So, whether you are single, dating or in a long-term relationship, there is reason to celebrate.

But, today I wanted to put together a list of 100 ways to celebrate yourself with Self Love!

Here you go:

100 Ways to Celebrate with Self Love For Single’s Awareness Day!

Okay, here are 100 ways to celebrate single’s awareness day by practicing self-love!

  1. Buy yourself a sex toy. That was a given right?
  2. Make a self-love date night with yourself and masturbate!
  3. Buy yourself flowers.
  4. List 10 things you love/appreciate about yourself.
  5. Drink more water.
  6. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read.
  7. Write a gratitude list.
  8. Meditate. Ahhh!
  9. Get more sleep.
  10. Binge-watch your fav TV show.
  11. Take a sick day and rejuvenate.
  12. Go for a walk in nature.
  13. Eat dark chocolate.
  14. Have a spa day (at home or book an appt.).
  15. Create a playlist of your fav songs.
  16. Go get a massage.
  17. Flirt with a stranger.
  18. Plan a stay-cation and focus on yourself.
  19. Have a singles party night.
  20. Try a new yoga or workout class.
  21. Forgive yourself.
  22. Post “Hello Beautiful” in lipstick on your mirror.
  23. Take a Priestess bath (sea salts, essence oils, candlelight & music).
  24. Be creative (do art, paint, write a poem, build a birdhouse, create a project you’ve been meaning to do just for fun).
  25. Treat yourself to something scrumptious.
  26. Do an Inner Smile meditation.
  27. Go on an adventure and try something new.
  28. Stretch. Both your body and your limits.
  29. Schedule daily “me time”.
  30. Do a deep breathing practice.
  31. Delegate.
  32. Say no.
  33. Ask for help.
  34. Breathe an essence oil to uplift you.
  35. Call a friend.
  36. Hang out with a friend.
  37. Get a hug. Give a hug. Two in one!
  38. Nourish your skin with premium body lotions.
  39. Buy a new top, bottom or outfit.
  40. Get a pedicure or Mani-pedi.
  41. Paint your nails.
  42. Dress up just because.
  43. Eat premium ice cream.
  44. Dance like nobody’s watching.
  45. Watch a funny movie.
  46. Learn to play!
  47. Be spontaneous.
  48. Listen to your gut or inner voice/essence.
  49. Do kegel exercises or start a jade egg program.
  50. Don’t worry, be happy.
  51. Make a gourmet supper for one or take yourself out for dinner.
  52. Stand up for yourself.
  53. Create healthy boundaries.
  54. Have a self care schedule.
  55. Celebrate your wins!
  56. Create your own daily Mantra.
  57. Dream big. Dream Bigger!
  58. Be positive and raise your vibration.
  59. Surround yourself with things you love.
  60. De-clutter your desk, bedroom, wherever you hang out.
  61. Create a mediation room/area of your home.
  62. Create a magic altar.
  63. Stop procrastinating.
  64. Slow down.
  65. Stop “efforting” and go with the flow.
  66. Live your passion.
  67. Practice self-love and body-love.
  68. Sing in the shower.
  69. Be kind to yourself.
  70. Turn off the phone, TV and internet and tune out.
  71. Take a mini-retreat.
  72. Practice being “Unperfect” and still know you are awesome.
  73. Yell, scream, cry, beat up a pillow.
  74. Get fresh air daily.
  75. Get some sun.
  76. Don’t just think about it, do it, do it, do it!
  77. Organize a closet.
  78. Focus on your food while eating and chew slowly.
  79. Stimulate your senses.
  80. Make a bucket list.
  81. Cut down on caffeine.
  82. Cut down on sugar.
  83. Buy something you’ve always wanted.
  84. Shake your booty.
  85. Take compliments gracefully.
  86. Let go of comparison.
  87. Find a mentor.
  88. Join a mastermind group.
  89. Join a Goddess Tribe.
  90. Start a self-pleasure practice.
  91. Forgive others and mean it.
  92. Stay away from energy vampires and end all toxic relationships.
  93. Step outside your comfort zone.
  94. Celebrate your uniqueness.
  95. Brainstorm.
  96. Write down your ideas.
  97. Let go of the past.
  98. Do a happy dance.
  99. Don’t quit your daydream.
  100. Celebrate Life!

So, let’s celebrate Single’s Appreciation Day with some self love and masturbation!  Check out Store.Sexpert.com for all your sexy adult toy needs!