Thursday, July 25, 2024

“Orgasm” Authors Ask Women 9 Questions To Find Their Best Orgasm

When it comes to the female orgasm, there’s a lot of mystery, negativity, and wrong information surrounding it. You might have heard that they take a long time and are really hard to have. You also might have heard that they have to be mind-blowingly amazing and happen at the same time as your partner. Sure – all of these can be true and you might have experienced some. But it’s only part of the story.

Female orgasms comes in all different shapes, sizes, and strength.

There’s no one right way to orgasm. And what’s the best orgasm ever to one person might be the norm to someone else. As I wrote in a past post:

Not all orgasms are created equal. In fact they come in all different intensities, ranging from a quiet whisper to a full body, roll-over-and-pass-out-immediately, earth shattering release. Click here to read more.

The problem is as women we don’t really talk about our orgasms with other women. It’s so easy to assume that what gets you off also works for everyone. There definitely are some things that work for most (vibrators and oral sex I’m talking to you!). But no one thing works for everyone, every time. This also means that what you like, and what qualifies as the best orgasm to you, can change over time.

Part of what makes orgasms so fun is how much variety there is.

When you talk about your experiences and hear about others’ you realize there are so many different and awesome things that get people off. There are so many new things you can play with and explore. But you have to learn about them first!

This need to talk about the Big O more is exactly what inspired Linda Troeller and Marion Schneider to create Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews. In it, they interviewed 25 women of all different ages, nationalities, and social backgrounds about what turns them on and what gets them off. Here are a few of the things the women used to come:

  • Fingers
  • Fantasies
  • A vibrator
  • A shower head
  • Paint brushes
  • A hair brush handle

The women also talked about some things they needed in order to have their orgasm. These included:

  • A deep connection with their partner
  • Love
  • Sunshine
  • Water
  • Safety
  • Feeling relaxed
  • Feeling free

With both of these lists, you probably see some things that surprise you and others that are super familiar. Hopefully some of the surprising ones inspire new fantasies and sexy ideas! The bigger message, and the best thing about sex generally, is that there’s something for everyone.

The other thing they shared is which parts of their bodies were key to their orgasm. For some it was their clitoris or g-spot. Others, their breasts or booty.

Self-pleasure is important for orgasm.

The women knew all this because they spent their time exploring and playing with their pleasure. In fact, many had their first and/or strongest orgasm on their own. For some it was intentional: they decided to explore what felt good. For others, it was an oopsie – something felt good and they kept doing and then they came. Some of the women didn’t even recognize their first orgasm for what it was. Believe it or not, this is way more common than you’d think.

The common theme is that you have the power to create your orgasm. It’s something that comes from your body (and brain), not that someone or something else gives you. You create that pleasure. Pretty amazing huh?! To do this though, you need to know what you like and what you don’t. Self-pleasure is one part of that, especially if you already do it regularly. You might also feel more comfortable exploring with your partner. Or doing both.

What ultimately matters for creating a more intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life is that you know what brings you to orgasm, you play with and explore new things, and you practice what works, however many times each week is right for you.

9 Questions to Ask Yourself for the Best Orgasm

To learn about the woman’s orgasms, the book’s creators asked them a series of five questions. Writing down your answers to these is a fun way to figure out what you need to have your best orgasm.

1) What does the word orgasm mean to you?
2) Can you remember your first orgasm?
3) Can you remember your strongest orgasm?
4) Do you have fantasies when you create or experience an orgasm?
5) What is the future of orgasm in society/in the world?

Answering these is super helpful if you struggle to orgasm or want stronger, more regular climaxes. Questions 2-3 are extra important because they help you figure out what was happening when you came the first time and the best time. Here are some four more questions to answer as you describe your first and strongest orgasm.

Visit Kait for the last 4 questions!

Can Supplements Keep You Faithful?

It used to be that people cheated because they couldn’t keep it in their pants, were unhappy in their relationships, or just bored with their partners. Well, that’s just part of the infidelity puzzle. Some doctors are saying that another factor can be genetics.

A few research studies, including the much-talked about 2014 study by Brendan P. Zietsch, a psychologist at the University of Queensland, Australia, showed that people who cheated had a certain variant of vasopressin, a hormone that is associated with attachment and bonding. The research shows that this might be one contributing genetic factor to infidelity.

Psychotherapy, sex therapy, and even spiritual work (whether it’s medication or faith-based), has long been the path to work on marriages plagued by infidelity. However, some prominent doctors, such as John Gray, PhD., author of Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus, and Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love, have also been using supplemental therapy to help their patients remain faithful. And, it’s working…for them. It should be noted, that it is a controversial practice with little to no scientific backing and not meant to be the “cure to infidelity.”

“Your brain chemicals can be changed to help stop an affair or not want an affair,” says Dr. Eaker Weil. “This really takes a little bit of the stigma and emotional pain out of an affair. I’m not excusing it, but I tell my patients, ‘Listen it’s not entirely in your control.'” Of course, you can’t blame cheating solely on your genes, which is why a combination of psychotherapy with supplements and lifestyle changes is really what the doctors’ are ordering here.

It’s not entirely unlike using St. John’s Wart to help with depression, valerian root to help with anxiety, and supplements to aid in your workouts.

The first step, though, is to find out if there is a chemical imbalance is at play here. ” Some M.D.s will do blood, urine, and/or saliva tests for adrenals, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, etc., to see if you do have a chemical imbalance and then can advise you on which supplements are needed to help balance any imbalances out,” she says.

The most impressive and fast acting supplement, according to both, is low dose lithium orotate, which is more commonly also used to treat a variety of issues, anxiety and depression. “It’s all natural and has no side effects. Within days most people notice improved mood, focus, motivation, and low stress. For maximum benefit it’s best combined with therapy along with vitamins B6, D3, K2 and Omega 3,” says Dr. Gray.

Dr. Eaker Weil says that the main reason lithium orotate is so powerful in her practice is because it stimulates oxytocin – the cuddle hormone that makes you feel safe and bonded. “It helps simmer down the vasopressin. I’ve seen it stop the craving for adultery in my practice,” she says. In her couples counseling, she prescribes this supplement to both partners to help them reconnect and reignite their bond. She uses it in conjunction with the prescription oxytocin pill.

Other supplements Gray and Eaker Weil have used include L-theanine, derived from tealeaves, and rhodiola. “Both help to calm and reduce stress, which balances you, grounds you, gives you clarity, and in turn helps with therapy and stopping the need for cheating. Rhodiola also helps with fatigue. We all know that stress and fatigue are contributing factors to infidelity,” says Eaker Weil.

It should be noted that, that “there is no scientific evidence to support treating people with medications or supplements to prevent infidelity,” as one expert in the field who wishes to remain anonymous points out.

10 Best Libido Boosts When You Have Breast Cancer

Breast cancer can be detrimental to your sexiness. Undergoing extensive treatments from surgery to medication and radiation, stress, anxiety, changes in body image, side effects of treatment, pain, hormone fluctuations and even depression can negatively affect your libido. However, the good news is that you can heal and regain your sexual health during treatment and beyond.

With the understanding that each individual is different, here are 10 steps to help get your sexy back.

#1. Take Control

It’s a fact that some medications and treatments that help to fight cancer have side effects that can diminish your libido.  Observing what time of day or night you feel most energetic or more relaxed can help you tap into your own comfort level with regard to romance or sexuality. A vital part of getting your sexy back is to know yourself so that you can better share that inner sexpot with your partner.

#2. Love Who You Are

The first step in improving relationships with others is to take an inward look at yourself to build self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you’re single and not dating anyone special, there’s no need to share your medical history or disclose your cancer. Be sure to let your date see all of your healthy qualities, fun attributes and fabulous personality. Then see if there is any relationship possibility before you disclose your prognosis, as you do not want to define yourself by your physical condition.

#3. Healing Inside & Outside

Different people may experience varying levels of physical, mental and social anguish, but it is important to remember that there is hope. If you have a lack of desire from a hormone imbalance, or issues with body image or just a lack of support and understanding, it may contribute to social withdrawal, canceling plans with friends, shying away from family functions, etc. Reaching out is key to improving the whole person on the inside and the outside.

#4. Be Heard

The best way to clear feelings of fear, guilt, insecurity or even neglect is through open and honest communication. I know it’s not always easy to ask for what you want; so one way to start is to ask for little things like a hug. Then let your partner know where you are emotionally by telling them explicitly with no holds-barred honesty. One of the fundamentals to accessing your sexiness and letting go of inhibitions is feeling heard. Provide open communication about your needs to help make you feel sexy again, even if it is just patience!

#5.  Surrender To Pleasure

Remove yourself from reality and create your own sensory escapism like Shangri-La, a place of paradise and bliss. Light the bathroom with candles, put on soothing music, and fill the tub with bubbles and warm water. Enjoy the way you feel. Release yourself from negative thoughts and worries. Focus on the delight of eating some of your favorite foods such as chocolates or ice cream and get into a sexy state of mind by enhancing all five of your senses. Surrender to pleasure.

#6. Heal With Laughter

Humor and playfulness with friends, family, dates or lovers can trigger positive thoughts and emotional connections. Laughter is also a powerful remedy for pain, stress, depression and whatever ails you as it releases feel good hormones and prompts healthy changes in the body. Watch comedies on TV, at the movies or share jokes and funny stories to experience the healing power of laughter as it improves your mental, emotional and physical health.

#7. Keep Up Your Sexycises

Physical exercises can help to reduce the risk of breast cancer and help people to feel better while going through cancer treatments. A balance of aerobic, strength training, stretching is important, but always check with your doctor before undergoing any strenuous exercise regiment. Do your Kegel exercises regularly, but especially right before sexual intercourse to get the blood flowing to your sexual organs and strengthen the vaginal muscles. Medical devices for women like the Intensity or Apex do your kegel exercises for you while men can use PrivateGym. Remember, men get breast cancer too.

#8.  Connect Through Mindful Touch

Perhaps your illness is one of life’s challenges that will make you stronger as an individual and potentially draw you and your partner closer as a couple. Especially during trying times, couples need to communicate their needs, so tell your partner that a healing massage would be a great way to relieve tension, improve blood circulation and relax your mind and body. Tell him or her the places you would like to be massaged the most. Massage is a mutually satisfying way of helping couples to exhibit intimacy for one another.  It is a precious gift that you can give to your partner when they need it most.

#9. Use Love Scents To Lift Your Spirit

Jasmine, rosemary, and sage are said to increase arousal when rubbed on the skin. Applying them to erogenous zones like the neck and to stress-carrying areas like the back, lower tension can stir sensuous feelings. For intimate dryness, be sure to have some lubricant ready to make sexual intercourse more comfortable and reduce friction or discomfort. Lubricants can also enhance masturbation for a smoother, silkier and wetter solo-sexual experience.

#10. Practice Neuroloveology

The brain is the most important sex organ in your body, and its neural pathways are changeable. When the brain taps into a peak pleasurable experience, it doesn’t know whether you are living it or just thinking it, and will release feel-good chemicals that flood your body. So fantasize freely and give yourself erotic pleasure! If you maintain optimistic thinking, the other sexual parts of your being will organize themselves to stay within your cognitive powers. For more sexy neuro-cises, read Neuroloveology.

Chemicals In Some Sex Lubes Can Cause Bacterial Vaginosis


Oregon-based Good Clean Love has been working in conjunction with Johns Hopkins University on a study about baterial vaginosis, which has been found to unknowingly increase in women using lubricants with added petrochemicals, the same ones used to lube up a car’s engine.
The company has been producing organic, chemical free sex lubes for 11 years, but in recent years the women-owned company gained international attention because of the organic movement and the need for products that are safe. Recognizing this need for the millions of women who suffer from Bacterial Vaginosis  due to petrochemicals that make them sick, Good Clean Love fills the hole, literally.
Check out their Almost Naked Organic Personal Lubricant and “Love Oils” that are made with Apricot Oil, Organic Jojoba Oil and pure essential oil blends. The Love Oils are vegan, edible, glycerin-free, and do not contain questionable, bacteria inducing chemicals. Available at or Whole Foods.


Interview With Sitara Devi, Modern Courtesan

New York based East Indian courtesan, Sitara Devi, is candid in her description of why men pay $1,500 for a brief encounter with her. She says that while men do value looks, a woman has to offer more than that to win over the VIP clientele she entertains. She is spiritually and intellectually elevated. She’s well-spoken with a magnetic energy and a charitable heart.

With long chocolate locks, smooth dark beige skin, a luscious derriere that is most en vogue, and a body limber from Yoga classes, she would easily fulfill the fantasy of any man or couple who has a curiosity about the charms of a Bollywood beauty or Hindu love goddess. She considers this an untapped market that is growing right along with the visibility of Indian women in media and in the workplace.

“A lot of my clients are non-indian men that have a budding desire in them because they don’t have access to her (Indian women) but the lust for her has been building in them.”

In my interview with the erotic, multicultural companion and sacred sexuality guide, Sitara told her unique story of going against the societal grain to follow her true life calling in erotic servitude to those seeking a deep, meaningful, soul connection in their intimate encounters.

There are “guidelines” for Indian women, she says. “You become a doctor, you meet a suitable Indian guy, you have kids…”. Although she did follow social norms to the extent  of receiving a Master’s degree and a notable professional résumé, she discovered that the freedom to exercise her true life calling was far more rewarding than following the traditional “blueprint” that was expected of her as an Indian woman.

“Indian woman are raised with the ‘good Indian girl’ stereotype. It’s a total lie. There’s a lot of pressure in my culture for women to be a certain way. I’ve met a lot of Indian women who are not happy having followed that or don’t have the same class and grace and well-roundedness that I have because of all the different paths that my life has taken.”

Sitara feels liberated by her unusual path. Not only is she confident about breaking free of the pressures of society to do certain things or play a certain role, she is passionate about providing clients with a safe space to do the same. “For me, sexuality is sacred. When two people strip away all the roles they have to play and let go of the heavy societal conditioning that they hold, they can have access to something in that moment that connects them to Divine Source, that takes them to a higher experience orgasmically.”

To her, eroticism is godliness, and she feels that most people are too trapped in their everyday pressures to truly let go and experience the sexual bliss they deserve, which is why it’s paramount to her to help people tap into a more relaxed physical state and higher spiritual frequency during their sessions. “Men on our planet are so hungry for emotional intimacy where they get to lay down all the shields that they’re holding. They don’t have to be masculine. They can allow themselves to relax and just be themselves. Conscious touch, not robotic, is something that men are missing.”

Sitara considers herself a lifestyle coach as well, and client’s often request her guidance to be able to call upon this spiritual source of pleasure even when they aren’t with her. She speaks about her work with clients of various backgrounds and physical abilities with pride because she enjoys helping people who face challenges like social anxiety, deep psychological blocks, or serious physical limitations. She insists that her profession makes her feels closer to her ancient roots, which she explains are heavily tied to sexuality.

“Hindu mythology is full of stories where the woman is both strong and feminine. She is both soft and a heroine at the same time. She is goddess and warrior.” In one famous story, Draupadi, an important female character in the Mahabharata (a Hindu epic) was married to five men. Sitara compares herself to this ancient princess. “I am a big believer that no one person can fulfill all our needs. I feel very lucky that I have the ability to have different men in my life which help serve different needs and I serve one need in their life.”

As a practitioner and teacher of tantric philosophy, Sitara believes her career as a pleasure provider is ideal for her. She feels “aligned with the goddess archetype” and thoroughly enjoys focusing her efforts on providing clients with an escape into a heightened sense of connection and fulfillment. It is important for her to continuously better herself as a sacred sexuality guide by taking classes and workshops where they’re available to her and what she takes away, she incorporates in private time with her clients.

“I have taken ample classes by different well-known instructors in the world of sacred sexuality, tantra, mind body souls, healing.” When telling me how yoga carries over to her work, she explained that the “fundamentals of yoga is about breath, it’s about awareness, it’s about presence, it’s about being in the moment. We [usually] engage with sexuality in a very hard and fast way but I prefer long, extended dates because I really enjoy men dropping all elements on what they have on the outside.” For her, yoga is among other philosophies that she believes enhance intimate experiences, but of course, it has other benefits. “I can do some pretty fun things with it in the bedroom.”

And what about those other women in her clients’ lives? Does she have any thoughts about them or resentment towards her married clients for coming to see her privately? She thinks nothing negative about her work, her clients or the other women at all. “I feel like I am an outlet where a man can release a lot of his tension so that when he goes home to his wife, he feels more relaxed and there’s less drain on their marriage. I give her man a sense of freedom so that she has a lighter load when he goes back home to her. I’m a sort of peacekeeper.”

Her positive approach towards life and her erotic services shine through in every statement she makes. Time with her is what she describes as experiential and her ability to provide a unique and spiritually elevating way for her clients is her deepest joy. She is not someone who is bound to “the conditioning of the 21st century girl” or focused only on the exterior. She is a woman who is in the fortunate position of being truly in touch with the “life force”, which she explains is our radiance, energy and vitality – all coming from our sexuality, and she holds that sacred. “I see it as a gift.”


Pheromones Make You More Attractive, Social & Successful

Have you ever been drawn to someone whose smell was intoxicating and you just couldn’t stop thinking about them? That’s called chemical attraction, and is caused by our natural pheromones that are secreted from our glands, which send signals to trigger specific mating responses in our brain. They are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage known as VMO, then send messages to the brain to interpret signals that can include fertility, confidence, sexual attraction, trustworthiness and even success or power. Consequently, pheromones can produce overwhelming attraction, even when the physical attributes are lacking.

Studies have shown that pheromones can help others to see you as more open, attractive, charismatic, and easy to talk to. They can facilitate conversations, interest and create enhanced friendly feelings. For best results, apply just below the neckline and wrists where you have your sweat glands. For a variety of products infused with pheromones such as candles, fragrances and sunscreen, go to here.

Our natural gender specific pheromones include Androstenone associated with alpha male sexual tension, Androstenedione, a chemical found in sweat, Androstenol, the female pheromone associated with romantic interest and Copulines, the female pheromone released during ovulation that has been shown to increase male testosterone.

Pheromones are emitted from our sweat glands, pulse points and anywhere that we have hair, so you can release attraction-boosting signals by going commando, not showering right after exercising and by not wearing deodorant or fragrances that will mask your natural scent. I’m not suggesting that you don’t maintain good hygiene, but bathing with warm water while cutting down on soap will wash off fewer of your body’s pheromones. You can also enhance your pheromones by eating foods high in zinc such as oysters and other fresh seafood aphrodisiacs known to increase testosterone in men and women.

Independent studies have been conducted at leading universities worldwide, such as Stanford University, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of Chicago and the Karolinska Institute, one of Sweden’s oldest medical schools have shown that pheromones do have a profound effect on human behavior.

Fitness Guru Ben Greenfield Shares His Penis Strength Secrets

Mastermind Talks 2014 in Toronto, Ontario. ©2014 Mark Adams

Bestselling author, global speaker and fitness guru Ben Greenfield takes on the PrivateGym this week in “How to Make Your Penis Stronger With A Private Gym,” an extremely informative and quite hilarious blog that chronicles his first four weeks of penis training with the male fitness program.

From the moment of picking up the discreet package in his mailbox, (“So much for 7-minute abs. I now have the promise of 7-minute gonads”) through all the penis lifts and pelvic floor contractions, I had to laugh out loud in several places at this honest and humble account of a man super-charging his penis.

I have to say my favorite part is when, at one point, Greenfield is losing his erection while exercising, and instead of turning to porn, he breaks out sexy pictures of his wife. You simply can’t help but root for his penis-strength journey after that! And in the end (spoiler alert) his wife actually notices the pelvic strength he’s developed, leaving him feeling confident and falling asleep with a smile.

I highly recommend reading this blog for a play-by-play on how the Private Gym training system really works. He gets into nitty gritty details that you can’t learn from reading the product box, and describes the experience in helpful ways.

Here at Sexpert, you can read another informative review of the PrivateGym by Dr. Don Etkes, and some great information from Urologist Dr. Andrew Siegel about erection rigidity, penis hydraulics and what to expect of erections as you age.

There’s still time to enter to win your own Private Gym in our June contest. ENTER NOW!

Rough Sex for the Nice Guy with Reid Mihalko

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Reid Mihalko, The Sex Geek for my show on Rough Sex!  While almost every woman who replied to my query about whether or not they liked rough sex replied with an emphatic “YES!!!”  there seemed to be just as many men who don’t know how to pull it off.

Thankfully, The Sex Geek was on hand and ready to save the day!  With practical advice and words of encouragement and enlightenment, everyone will gain the confidence to give it a whirl…. or a smack, pull, or choke. *wink, wink*

Here’s a sample of our discussion, but if you want the full interview and Reid’s tips on how to spank, pull hair, and choke your lover the right way, check out the free information on his website, or listen to the entire episode on Playboy Radio, Ep #39.


Unique Orgasms With Dr. Ava Cadell & Dr. Hernando Chaves Video

The first ever Sexual Health Expo was a huge success with a dazzling trade floor and enlightening, entertaining panels filling each day’s schedule. Hosted by Emily Morse, there were talks by dozens of renowned sexologists like Charlie Glickman, Jaiya, Elle Chase, Sex Nerd Sandra, Ashley Manta and many, many more. My presentation was on Unique Orgasms and Dr. Hernando Chaves was my co-presenter. We had two life-like torso dolls, donated by Pipedreams and, which we called Quasimodo and Esmerelda – they were the life of the party, allowing us to demonstrate everything from a perineum orgasm to a quadra-gasm and beyond.

Watch the highlight reel of our standing-room-only presentation, and don’t miss the hilarious cameo appearance by Ron Jeremy!

The Hottest Teen Girl Trend Is Labiaplasty

Gynecologists report that teen girls are asking for labiaplasty procedures to “perfect” their young lady bits.

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, there was an 80% increase in labiaplasty from 2014. What’s the deal with this trend? Apparently, now teenage girls shave and wax their pubic hair, which makes the vajajay more visible and “imperfect.” Little do teen girls know, but the size and shape of a female vagina and its labia are body parts young men don’t judge. They’re just happy to see one.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) blames it on “increasing trends in pubic hair removal, exposure to idealized images of genital anatomy, and increasing awareness of cosmetic vaginal surgery.”

The trend is so out of control that the Gynecologists have issued guidelines on how doctors should talk with adolescents about labiaplasty, which reduces the size of uneven labia. They recommend that doctors inform young women of wide range of shape and sizes of labia, and that there is no “normal” standard of vaginal beauty. The last thing teenage girls should be worried about is whether or not their vagina “fits in.”

Julie Strickland, the chair of ACOG’s Adolescent Health Care Committee and lead author of the study said. “Variety in the shape, size, appearance, and symmetry of labia can have particularly psychological effects on young women. It’s one more body part that women are insecure about and it’s our job, as Ob-Gyns, to reassure our young patients.”