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12 Secrets to Sizzling Hot Sex

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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Photo by murat esibatir from Pexels

Sex is the Question?

The purpose and meaning of sex has intrigued and mystified us through the ages. Various societies have wrestled with or “coped” with the power of sex in myriad ways. Far Eastern cultures regarded sex as a mystical ritual to achieve union with God. On the other hand, the decline of the Roman Empire was preceded by sexual debasement and demoralization – a complete dissociation from spirituality. Some Middle Eastern and Victorian British and American traditions have hidden sex in the closet and underneath untold yards of unnecessary clothing. Many ancient African mores perceived sex as a rite-of-passage into adulthood, a mating ritual. Some societies go around it, some view it as a “problem” and pass it on down to the next generation to deal with, and a few revel in its glory and ecstasy.

What sex is?

Sex is a precious gift to someone who is worthy to receive it. Our sexual gifts are as valuable as any other part of ourselves that we prize. Selecting the right sexual partner to give to, and receiving from the right partner, is as important a decision as choosing anything you place a high value upon. Sex has many beautiful qualities that we are coming to appreciate.

In this era of “natural ingredients”, sex is a natural “high”, perhaps even the best of nature’s uplifts. It can energize us and make us feel more creative afterward. Sex is a wonderful form of self-expression, infinitely artistic. We don’t often think
about this, but sex is an affirmation of self-confidence and self-love.

And sex can heal. Sex can renew stamina, not deplete it. It can free us from emotional wounds that have been buried deep in our body tissues, much like the experience of “Rolfing”, only sex is unforced. (Rolfing became popular about 20 years ago as a deep-tissue massage therapy. It releases painful emotions that have become lodged in the muscles and caused stiffness from tension.)

Sex has so many forms of expression. It is both beautiful and erotic. It is gentle and assertive. It is relaxing and energizing. But most of all, it is a unique connection to all of life – it is spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. Sex is truly a divine pleasure.

What sex is not

It is equally important in defining sex to weed out what doesn’t belong in its repertoire of images. Because “sex sells” in the marketplace and in the advertisements that bombard us daily, we are prone to confuse sex with many things which it is not. And we are equally apt to confuse sex with its ignorant definitions of the past which kept us from its hidden pleasures.

  • First and foremost, sex is not a sin. It didn’t make it to the Top 10 commandments, so it must be okay! Besides, how could anything that creates new life be an affront to God, when life is God-given.
  • Sex is also not dirty; it is not something of which to be ashamed, like leprosy. And it is not unhealthy as long as proper protection is used.
  • Sex won’t make you go blind or go crazy. In fact, sexual fitness can improve your health, not take away from it.
  • Sex is not perverted or unnatural. Love-making between consenting adults is their private matter, and as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, it does not defy the laws of nature.
  • Sex is not to be misused as a weapon. Withholding sex to punish a partner is a sign of poor communication and stored-up anger; and it does not give power to the “with-holder”. To the other extreme, forcing one’s self sexually on another person is a sign of inadequacy, not power or real strength.
  • Sex is not a healthy addiction. A sexual addiction or compulsion is an escape from love.
  • Sex is also not a sport; it is not merely a form of exercise. It is a body function, yes, but its many pleasures are not achieved by experiencing a body part. Besides, using sex as an impersonal exercise is ultimately not fulfilling, either sexually or emotionally.
  • Sex is not just intercourse or oral copulation; as we know about anything in life, “the journey is as important as the destination”. Sex is not love, but is often confused with love. How many times have you heard someone say in jest “I’m in lust!”. It isn’t as funny as the joke is meant to be. Is such a person afraid to go the next step and fall in love? Commitment makes the sex grow deeper, but having sex for its own sake is not everlasting love.

12 Steps to Great Sex

Number One – Flirt.

Flirting is an art which instills sexual confidence. It can be a subtle glance or a purposeful squeeze, but the goal of flirting is to set the stage for romance and create sexual anticipation.

Number Two – Kiss.

Make kissing a ritual at least twice a day for 12 seconds in the morning and at night and kiss your lover passionately.

Number Three – Communicate.

When communication is great, the sex is great too. Don’t neglect to tell your partner all
the things you love most about him/her. Express your appreciation for each other physically, intellectually and emotionally. Exchange a wish list of three things that you think may heighten a sexual experience for you.

Number Four – Stimulate All 5 Senses.

If you don’t use just one of your five senses during lovemaking, you are missing out on 20% of pleasure. Take the time to prepare something to enhance each one of your senses prior to lovemaking. Surprise your taste buds with honey; turn a simple room into a romantic one with candlelight; play music that will get you and your lover in the mood for love; use a variety of lotions and oils to massage your lover slowly and sensuously; and finally, the sense of smell has been proven to be the basis for sexual attraction. You can wear your lover’s favorite fragrance or adorn your room with scented candles, incense or flowers.

Number Five – Discover Erogenous Zones.

The best way to find your lover’s erogenous zones is to caress and kiss your lucky lover from head to toe, moving only half an inch at a time. Don’t leave any area unmapped. Ask for your lover to rate his or her erogenous zones on a pleasure scale from 1 to 10. Now, it’s time to trade places.

Number Six – Synchronized Breathing.

When you are sexually excited, your breathing increases. Breathe in the essence of
life and synchronized breathing is truly a sense of unity. As one person breathes in, the other person breathes out. This “meditation” can prepare a couple for the sexual journey ahead.

Number Seven – Share Erotica.

Any form of erotica including videos, literature or magazines can provide a therapeutic
value to couples wanting to learn more about sex. So whether you enjoy the bawdy tales of Lady Chatterly’s Lover or the erotica of Playboy, sharing fantasies can embolden your love life or reenergize a stale relationship by adding sizzle and spice.

Number Eight – Oral Delights.

First, we’ll talk about fellatio, the sucking of the man’s penis and most men will agree that,
as a means to getting or restarting an erection, it is unparalleled. Cunnilingus, the art of kissing a woman’s clitoris and vulva (visible external part of the vagina) is one of the most effective ways to bring a woman to climax.

Number Nine – Love Toys.

You don’t have to go outside your home to have a wide choice of love toys. Regular
household items can be a great substitute. If you blindfold your partner with a scarf and comb a pasta spoon through his/her hair, it may feel like long, sensual fingernails. A gentle tap with a spatula or wooden spoon might be just what your partner desires. Don’t forget to experiment with food!

Number Ten – Discover Her G-Spot.

It is a fact that 78% of women do not explore the inside of their own bodies, yet the G-spot (I like to call it the Goddess Spot), located approximately 2 inches inside the opening to the vagina can bring about a longer, deeper, more powerful orgasm than a clitoral orgasm.

Number Eleven – Discover His H-Spot.

Men also have a Hot-Spot, although I prefer to refer to it as the Hero-Spot which is the prostate gland. Some men say that their “H” spot is just a knuckle inside the anus and it can be effectively stimulated by the partner’s insertion of her finger in a “come hither” motion.

Number Twelve – Make Love in Different Positions.

Don’t always make love in the same position, in the same place, at the same time because that’s predictable. Make love standing up, side-by-side, woman-on-top, missionary or doggie-style. Do it in the bathroom, on the dining room table, over the kitchen sink, on the tumble dryer or on the staircase.

The Hottest Teen Girl Trend Is Labiaplasty

By
Anka Radakovich
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Gynecologists report that teen girls are asking for labiaplasty procedures to “perfect” their young lady bits.

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, there was an 80% increase in labiaplasty from 2014. What’s the deal with this trend? Apparently, now teenage girls shave and wax their pubic hair, which makes the vajajay more visible and “imperfect.” Little do teen girls know, but the size and shape of a female vagina and its labia are body parts young men don’t judge. They’re just happy to see one.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) blames it on “increasing trends in pubic hair removal, exposure to idealized images of genital anatomy, and increasing awareness of cosmetic vaginal surgery.”

The trend is so out of control that the Gynecologists have issued guidelines on how doctors should talk with adolescents about labiaplasty, which reduces the size of uneven labia. They recommend that doctors inform young women of wide range of shape and sizes of labia, and that there is no “normal” standard of vaginal beauty. The last thing teenage girls should be worried about is whether or not their vagina “fits in.”

Julie Strickland, the chair of ACOG’s Adolescent Health Care Committee and lead author of the study said. “Variety in the shape, size, appearance, and symmetry of labia can have particularly psychological effects on young women. It’s one more body part that women are insecure about and it’s our job, as Ob-Gyns, to reassure our young patients.”

The Lowdown On Lust, Love, Romance, Desire, Passion & Intimacy

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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Love is easily one of the most complicated human experiences. It fully occupies our emotions, bodies and minds, and has many different incarnations. It can be confusing to navigate the world of human desire – from one-night-stands to committed relationships, nervous flirting to ‘comfort zone’ intimacy – and then there’s always the question of whether our partners feel the same way.

To alleviate some of the confusion, I’ve outlined some emotional and physical cues here to help you determine what you’re looking for or where your relationship is now. It’s related to my F.A.C.E.S. stages of relationships, which you can find in depth in my book Neuroloveology. Fascination, Adventure, Comfort, Energy & Success each come with their own unique cocktail of brain chemicals that give you a heady rush or a sense of deep bonding, depending on the stage.

Like Robert Sternberg’s “triangular theory of love,” which identifies Intimacy, Passion & Commitment as the three main components of love, it’s this interweaving of sexuality, emotional bonding and long-term attachment that make up a fully successful romantic relationship. However you label it, the main ingredients remain the same, and they govern our love lives. Read on to find out what’s happening to your emotions and your brain chemicals at each phase of love.

Romance is when –

  • You feel butterflies when you talk or see each other.
  • You want to do things to make each other happy.
  • You want to understand his or her mind and what makes it tick.
  • You want to spend as much time together as possible.
  • Your brain is reacting to pheromones, triggering attraction.

Desire is when –

  • You having a longing for another.
  • You want to experience a romantic and sexual journey together.
  • Your curiosity and erotic imagination for each other is fertile.
  • You can experience erotic connection together and separately.
  • Your body releases androgens (like testosterone) and / or estrogens, causing arousal to blossom.

Lust is when –

  • You have a longing for sex to fulfill your emotions.
  • You feel so horny you just want to get laid by someone.
  • You experience intense erotic fantasies with another.
  • Your ultimate goal is sexual satisfaction and fulfillment.
  • Your Desire ‘cocktail’ continues to arouse, adding in Nitric Oxide, which increases blood flow to the genitals.

Passion is when –

  • You intensely want someone physically and emotionally.
  • You create mystery and have confidence individually and together.
  • You have fun, laugh, and create surprises, novelty and playfulness.
  • You make love creatively and focus on each other’s pleasure.
  • Adrenaline is making you feel “madly in love.”

Intimacy is when –

  • You are comfortable sharing everything without any fear.
  • You show each other appreciation through words and actions.
  • You make a commitment to each other.
  • When your two hearts feel like one!
  • Your brain releases oxytocin, the bonding chemical.

Love is when –

  • You have a strong feeling of affection for another.
  • You want your beloved to express their love with words and actions.
  • Your partner brings out intimate communication, touching, kissing and spiritual connection within you.
  • You have the five ingredients of friendship, respect, trust, communication and passion for your love to last.
  • Your brain releases oxytocin (the bonding chemical) and vasopressin, the long-term commitment hormone.

It’s not rocket science, but it is scientific. Each stage of love delivers new sensations and experiences, and each one sparks a unique set of reactions in you and your partner. It’s all there for you to enjoy to the fullest.

I’m often asked about desire, what role it plays in relationships, and how to know what’s healthy on the spectrum of love, lust and intimacy. One quick exercise I give is to finish the sentences below, and then see for yourself if that fits your emotional and mental wellbeing. There are no wrong answers. I have filled in some possible responses to give you an idea of how to start.

I feel desirous when…

  • I love my body.
  • I feel confident.
  • I use my imagination.
  • When someone gives me compliments, etc.,

I turn off my desire when…

  • I don’t feel worthy to receive love or sexual pleasure.
  • When I feel judged, rejected or abandoned, etc.

Getting to know what you find sexy and what turns you on allows you to more easily find the partner that meets your sexual needs. And the best part is, you can create sentences like this about every stage of your relationship – from lust to intimacy – and create your unique love story and of course, happy ending!

9 Reasons Why Abstinence Messages Fail

By
Dr. TaMara Griffin
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Over the past few decades, the federal government has sunk millions of taxpayer dollars into abstinence programs and interventions which have yet to be proven effective.  Stopping teen pregnancy, the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases among youth takes much more than a pledge, purity ring or a bogus abstinence message that only focuses on delaying sex until marriage.

Now don’t get me wrong, abstinence works well if you use it! But reality and statistics show that kids just don’t. It’s time to get real about abstinence messages and explore the reasons why they continue to fail our children.

Sex is Natural

Teenage hormones are real. When human beings discover the joy of sex and orgasm, it’s a impossible to stop that desire in its tracks and reverse the pursuit of pleasure. In fact, as young sexual beings, the pursuit of pleasure supersedes our rational mind, and the desire to orgasm clouds our common sense! We are sexual beings from the time we are born until we die. The desire to explore our sexuality is as natural as the desire to eat or sleep. These desires are embedded deep within our subconscious and begin much earlier in life than puberty. Curiosity surrounding sexuality is a natural part of development beginning with the exploration of the body. Teaching abstinence is like asking someone to stop eating or sleeping.

Peer Pressure is Real

Peer pressure is a hallmark of the adolescent experience. The desire to fit in during teen years can be overwhelming! No matter how influential you and other trusted adults are in children’s lives, their friends’ thoughts and opinions will weigh heavily on their decision making, including the decision to have sex. According to research conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation, the majority of children in the U.S. ages 13-18 reported that they get a lot of their information about sexuality from their peers. The report also found that one of the biggest reasons that they engage in sexual activity is because they believe that their peers are also having sex. No amount of saying “just don’t” is going to convince them that shouldn’t keep up with their peers.

The Media Sells Sex

The media perpetuates specific social scripts and conceptual frameworks about sexuality. Television, magazines, movies, and music continue to shape thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about how men and women should behave sexually, promoting the “player” status for men, and “using what you’ve got to get what you want” for women. The Real Housewives, Love & Hip Hop, The Bachelorette – just to use a few examples – are all filled with the same old narrative featuring unhealthy relationships, lack of meaningful friendships, low self-esteem, and overt sexuality as a tool or a weapon. There are very few healthy sexual dynamics presented in the media for teens to look up to and admire, and shows aimed at kids are so chaste and abstinence-assuming, that issues surrounding sexual peer pressure are avoided like the plague.

Social Media Has Opened Pandora’s Box!

Children have a natural curiosity when it comes to sexuality. Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and all the other social media sites have increasingly become the primary source of sex education and information. Children are turning to the internet instead of parents or trusted adults, to answer their questions about sexuality. Unfortunately, the accuracy and reliability of the internet is, at best, questionable. Searching for sex education websites online can result in inaccurate information, and at worst, redirects to pornography which is massively inappropriate as a sex education tool, showing no emotional context or basis for intercourse.

The Church Sends Mixed Messages

Most churches preach one thing: refrain from sex until marriage. But churchgoers are human and you can bet that pretty much everyone in the congregation is engaging in some form of “sinful” sexual activity. There is also often a focus on female shame, where pregnant young women need to admit their her sins of fornication before the church, while the male partner does not, sending the message that only women bear the burden of sexual ‘sin’. It’s long established that religious guilt-tripping and sin shaming isn’t very helpful. It teaches children to lie, hide and be ashamed of their own sexuality, a silence that puts children at risk. When we silence them for speaking about sexuality beyond abstinence, we miss an opportunity to save their lives, or improve them.

Fear-Laden Messages Don’t Work!

Showing pictures of sexually transmitted infections or telling children that they’ll go blind if they have sex are fear-based tactics that have adverse effects. Categorizing sex as dirty and nasty, or something only bad people do, sends the message that embracing your sexuality is wrong. Not only that, it teaches intolerance for sexual diversity among the beautiful spectrum of sexuality. As a result, kids carry these unhealthy messages into adulthood and they play out in the form of unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, depression, domestic violence, substance abuse and so much more! In addition, because the teen brain is less developed than an adult’s, they lack the biological mechanism to properly determine the possible negative outcomes of a certain action. So often times they live with a false sense of security and take risks because “it’s not going to happen to me,” or “I’m invincible.”

Do as I say and not as I do

The unspoken messages from adults regarding sexuality are oftentimes more powerful than their spoken messages in shaping children’s perception of sexuality. The behaviors adults model to children can have a significant impact on the choices they make, how they view things and even how they behave or not behave. Parents, it’s time to lead by example! If you want to send the message of abstinence, then perhaps you need to do the same? Or if you want to send a message of healthy safer sex with emotional attachment, practice that! Or if you want to sleep around, but don’t want that for your teenage daughter, you need to have that discussion too.

Penis Play Equals Notches!

Boys are socialized from a very early age  to embrace their penis. They are encouraged to sow their oats and have as much sex as one man can have. This message has been passed down as if it’s a rite of passage. Society supports a very unhealthy and sometimes misogynistic view of women, relationships and sexuality, as the recent ‘locker room banter’ political discussion has proven. All these things combined create an unhealthy framework of male sexuality that promotes promiscuity, shuns abstinence, and misses out on important discussions about relationship building and intimacy.

Keep Your Panties up!

This antiquated adage gets an epic fail. How can boys be promiscuous while girls are abstinent? It doesn’t make sense, and it contributes to shame and dangerous secrecy. Back in the day, it created confusion and resentment from kids who grew up to find that their “big sister” was really their mother and other complicated scenarios arising from lies, and currently it’s wreaking havoc on young women all over the country, resulting in damaged wombs or infections from back alley abortions, and of course deep emotional scarring.

So, You Want an Abstinence Message That Works?

We need to rethink, reframe and replace the current abstinence message with one that offers an integrated approach. It must be developmentally appropriate, medically accurate, gender considerate, culturally competent. The message must be clear, concise and consistent and teach knowledge, tools and skills. In addition, effective abstinence programs must including the following:

  • Teaching what it truly means to abstain, including abstain from substances
  • Teaching how to choose abstinence – even after being sexual
  • Teaching that the body is a temple that needs to be protected
  • Identifying sexual triggers
  • Understanding peer pressure and establishing healthy friendship
  • Setting personal boundaries
  • Defining the characteristics of a healthy relationship
  • Teaching about informed consent
  • Teaching communication skills
  • Teaching critical thinking skills
  • Teaching decision making skills
  • Teaching negotiation and conflict resolution skills
  • Identifying how morals, values and beliefs influence sexuality

Discussing the mental, emotional, social, spiritual, physical, biochemical, energetical, political, institutional, legal, systemic and financial consequences of sexuality

Finally, parents and other trusted adults who have chosen the abstinence talk must continue the abstinence talk.  It is not a one-time discussion. The abstinence talk is an ongoing evolving discussion that changes with the needs of the child.

It can be scary to talk to your teen about sex. However, we live in a world where not teaching your child about sexuality can be even more frightening! We must acknowledge that an abstinence-only message is not working. We have to create a message that prepares them for life by acknowledging the truth that children are indeed having sex!

Chemicals In Some Sex Lubes Can Cause Bacterial Vaginosis

By
Anka Radakovich
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goodbottle

Oregon-based Good Clean Love has been working in conjunction with Johns Hopkins University on a study about baterial vaginosis, which has been found to unknowingly increase in women using lubricants with added petrochemicals, the same ones used to lube up a car’s engine.
The company has been producing organic, chemical free sex lubes for 11 years, but in recent years the women-owned company gained international attention because of the organic movement and the need for products that are safe. Recognizing this need for the millions of women who suffer from Bacterial Vaginosis  due to petrochemicals that make them sick, Good Clean Love fills the hole, literally.
Check out their Almost Naked Organic Personal Lubricant and “Love Oils” that are made with Apricot Oil, Organic Jojoba Oil and pure essential oil blends. The Love Oils are vegan, edible, glycerin-free, and do not contain questionable, bacteria inducing chemicals. Available at www.goodcleanlove.com or Whole Foods.

 

Top 10 Sexual Resolutions for Women

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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How can you make 2022 the sexiest year ever? I’ve got a surefire way for you to explore your desires so it can happen for you now!

This is an exercise that I have demonstrated with audiences in the U.S., the U.K. and five cities in Australia, and it’s not only a great ice-breaker for people to discuss their wants and needs, but it results in a tangible blue print for the actions you can take to make your fantasies come true.

I always start out by asking, “Are you making love a priority in your life?” and I usually get mixed results. There are single people focused on their careers who have just started to feel the urge to get ‘out there’ and look for a soul mate, and singles who have been looking forever and keep dating the same type of person who’s making them miserable. There are couples who are afraid they’re growing apart and want to reverse that trend, and couples who are closer than ever, ready to take on new sexual adventures together. There are also couples in predictable relationships where they make love in the same place at the same time in the same position all the time – and at least one of them is not sexually satisfied and could be resentful.

Next I ask everyone write down ten things that they believe would make their love lives better. I encourage you to do this before the new year too! You can choose things like I want to feel confident when I’m naked, or I want more cuddling. Here’s an example of a top ten list from a female client:

1. I want to find the right lover
2. I want to love my entire body
3. I want to overcome my sexual inhibitions
4. I want to overcome my sexual guilt & shame
5. I want to get some amazing sex toys
6. I want to have a sexier bedroom
7. I want to have more time for sex
8. I want sex more often / I want sex to last longer
9. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires
10. I want to have more sexual adventures

Now that you’ve made your list, I want you to keep the five things from your list that are absolutely necessary in order for you to have more happiness, more satisfaction, more fulfilment, more intimacy and more sex. Then delete the other five.

My female client’s top five list:

1. I want to love my entire body (because she couldn’t surrender to a lover without feeling self-conscious about her weight)
2. I want to find the right lover (it had been four years since her divorce)
3. I want to be able to communicate my sexual desires (her ex-husband was unwilling to learn about her sexual needs)
4. I want to have more sexual adventures (she tried to get her husband to make love in different positions and try Tantric sex, but he said he wasn’t interested)
5. I want some amazing sex toys (she wants to have orgasms even without a partner)

Now, my client was astonished when I asked her to choose only two essential items from her diminishing list. I gave her ten minutes, five minutes for each! She decided to keep:

1. I want to love my entire body (which includes overcoming sexual inhibitions & using sex toys)
2. I want to find the right lover (which includes sexual adventures and good communication)

The next session I spent with this client was dedicated to discovering how she could love her body. We used a naked “Gingerbread Lady” exercise to help. She drew a simple outline of her body, then I gave her a red crayon to highlight the areas on her body that she didn’t like. She focused on her belly and thighs, so we discussed them both, and came up with reasons for her to turn that disdain into love. With her belly, she was self-conscious about the layer of fat, but as we discussed her joyful pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth, she began to see that there were good associations with her belly as well, including a healthy digestive system that had never given her any problems. With her thighs she managed to transform, “They’re too big” into “They’re strong and I love how the muscles feel when I’m hiking.”

After that we tackled how she could find the right lover. I gave her a pheromone-infused lava rock bracelet from Eye of Love to attract potential partners and help make her feel more confident. Then I recommended that she go to three different places where she might find a man with the qualities she was looking for in a partner – a hardware store, a popular hiking trail and a health food restaurant. You may have gathered that she was looking for a man who was fit, handy and a vegetarian! By the way, she met him when he complimented her bracelet.

The thought-provoking conclusion to this new year’s resolution exercise is that you don’t need as much as you thought you did in order to be sexually fulfilled and satisfied! The problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we often write a long list of things we want to change, eliminate or improve that it becomes so overwhelming we don’t do any of them! I don’t want that to happen to you in your love life.

I encourage you to do this exercise because your sexual pleasure is guaranteed to improve the quality of your life, and create memories that last a lifetime.

What’s Your Sexual Personality?

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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One of my life goals is to help couples discover their compatibilities in order to enrich their sex lives. In my decades-long private practice, I’ve helped many people who didn’t know how to relate to each other, mostly because they were speaking their own language instead of learning the language of their partner. So I developed a unique sexual personality to enhance a much more fulfilling love life mentally, physically and sexually.

This work is what inspired me to start my ongoing research project on sexual compatibility which has reached over 2,500 participants since 2015. Please take a moment to take my anonymous survey here. We don’t collect IP addresses or e-mails – it’s completely private so that individuals feel free to express their true feelings. Plus, it’s fun to answer the questions and think about your own preferences and desires! I encourage you to add to this valuable study.

Here are some of the questions in the survey that are answered on a rating scale, to give you an idea of how we’re trying to categorize behavior to come up with compatibility solutions:

  1. How important is it that your long-term partner is good in bed?
  2. Do you like to plan your sexual activity?
  3. How do you express love?
  4. How much do you enjoy the following acts? Erotic embrace while dressed, deep kissing, stroking your sexual partner’s genitals, giving or receiving oral sex, favorite intercourse positions, anal sex.

The study is based on psychology’s well-established ‘Big Five’ personality traits called OCEAN (Open, Conscientious, Extroverted, Agreeable, Neurotic) which began with the research of D. W. Fiske (1949) and was continued by other researchers including Norman (1967), Smith (1967), Goldberg (1981), and McCrae & Costa (1987).

Here are some brief descriptions of the five sexual personalities I created based on the ‘Big Five’ psychological personality types. Read them all and see what jumps out at you as familiar or not ‘you’ at all.  Find yourself and your partner in these personality types, and choose more than one if you like! It’s all about figuring out who you are and how to successfully communicate with others. There are more detailed descriptions in my free e-book Your Sexual Personality: Find and Keep Your Perfect Match.

OCEAN Sexual Personalities

Open

If you have an Open personality, you are creative and outgoing sexually. You feel comfortable giving the kind of love you would like to receive and are more likely to have adventurous fantasies like threesomes, domination or exhibitionism.

Conscientious

Conscientious lovers are the most mindful, and pay attention with all of their five senses. If you’re sexually conscientious, you are more likely to believe that relationships can be “worked on” to achieve compatibility. You require a higher level of trust before becoming intimate with someone, and are more likely to be turned off by the idea of someone else finding your partner sexy.

Extroverted

Sex with an Extroverted person is energetic and exciting as they enjoy risky sex locales and erotic communication. If you are an extrovert sexually, you’re more likely to be the one who initiates sex and more likely to enjoy sex acts others may consider taboo, like group sex or BDSM.

Agreeable

Agreeable personalities in bed are passionate and loveable with lots of enthusiasm to please their lover. If you’re an Agreeable lover, you are the most likely of all the personalities to be turned on by taking a romantic bath, dancing or sharing meals, and are more likely to express your love through compliments.

Neurotic

Neurotic lovers can be the wildest sexually or the least sexual, depending upon their mood, as they are highly emotional and sensitive. If you are considered a Neurotic sexual personality, you are significantly less willing to talk about your desires and you have difficulty expressing your love. You are less likely to be the one who says, “I love you” first in a relationship.

Did you recognize yourself? Many people find they are a combination of personalities, with some traits from one type and others from another. So what can we do with this information? My e-book also gives you lots of sexy tips for each personality type, but here are a few at-a-glance ideas you can use at home today to spice up your sex life.

If You Are Sexually Open…

Feed your sexual appetite and increase intimacy with new sexual activities you haven’t tried, whether it’s Tantric sex or sensual BDSM power play. Striptease is also a great option for you since you have fewer inhibitions. Even if your partner is not as open as you are, they might enjoy the show! For some Open couples, inviting a third into the mix can also be an appealing idea. Sexually Open and Agreeable people are most compatible because both types are able to give the kind of sex that they need for satisfaction.

If You Are Sexually Conscientious…

Build romance with a bubble bath after a stressful day, followed by an erotic massage or mutual masturbation to promote sexual health and wellbeing. Add erotic talk for orgasmic intensity! As a sexually Conscientious person, you might enjoy taking sexy selfies and sending them to your lover in a ‘for your eyes only’ message that gives them a thrill and makes you feel valued and loved. A Conscientious lover with another Conscientious or an Agreeable lover offers the most compatibility because they are both more likely to express their feelings.

If You Are Sexually Extroverted…

You find it easy to talk about your sex fantasies, especially to another Extrovert, or an Open person, who are your best sex matches. Since you are more likely to make the first move initiating sex, be sure to find out your lover’s boundaries on any unexplored erotic desires you want to explore. You are more likely to enjoy a game of strip poker or be on board to discover his P-spot or her G-spot during sex. Role-playing games may also excite you, for example pretending to be strangers at a bar, and going home together as if you’ve never met!

If You Are Sexually Agreeable…

As the most flexible lover of all the personalities, work on getting your sexual needs met by stating your desires through dirty talk. As you’re likely turned on by erotic visuals, ask your lover to do a striptease and masturbate for your voyeuristic pleasure before having sex.

As an Agreeable, you can create a sex match with anyone – even a Neurotic lover can fall in love or lust with you. Try giving or receiving an erotic massage with a happy ending.

If You Are Sexually Neurotic…

For great sexual experiences, focus your attention on pleasing your lover before yourself. And before sex, have a date that involves laughter such as watching a funny movie or going to a comedy club, as this will access parts of your brain that will help you to relax before sex. Masturbation is a surefire winner for your personality type, and you can work on letting that extend into your sexual relationship as mutual masturbation. Sexually Neurotic people are most compatible with Agreeable personalities.

No matter which sexual personality type or combination of types describe you and your partner, have fun exploring your compatibilities together. And remember, every couple can learn from each other, whether the compatibility test says you’re a good match or not. If you have chemistry, you can train each other to express love in the way that you both want and need for a fulfilling relationship. Just taking the test and reading the e-book will make you feel more empowered with the knowledge that communication is something you can improve.

Digital Indiscretions – Part Three: Obsessions

By
Dr. Ebony Utley
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Digital Indiscretions is a three part series on infidelity in the age of technology. The series is based on Dr. Ebony Utley’s interviews with U.S. women about their experiences with infidelity. Interviewees chose their own pseudonyms to protect their privacy.

The use of technology is not only about whether one can or will be unfaithful. Technology also plays a prominent role in how much a betrayed person wants to know. Some women do not want to know any details about their partner’s infidelity. Some women want to know everything. The discovery options aided by technology are vast—cell phones, caller ID, voicemail, email, texts, instant messages, PayPal, bank records, social media profiles, digital recordings, and even online maps.

Some discoveries among the women I interviewed were accidental, but most were the result of a focused and intentional obsession with discovering information about a partner’s affair.

Irene acknowledged, “For a number of years I lost my mind and started going through every email, every file, every underneath.” Pauline noticed that her boyfriend of two years was leaving his phone face down and liking smiley faces that women posted on his Facebook pictures. One night while he was sleeping she went through his phone because as she said, “I turn into an FBI agent when all this stuff happens.”

Several women admitted that were not proud of their actions. Janet confessed to stalking her boyfriend’s other girlfriend on social media—mostly Instagram. “I was literally stalking. I’m not even going to lie. I’m checking and I was like, ‘What are you doing?’ It’s consuming some hours of my day because every hour I’m checking. Is she saying something? Are they together? Are they around each other? I have to stop.” Ironically, Janet did not have a Twitter or an Instagram account; she would log onto friends’ accounts to gather information.

Alesia conceded to going too far while confirming her boyfriend’s infidelity when she said, “And then another time, there was this girl who left a message on his cell phone. I called that girl, which is so out of character for me. I hated that! I’m calling these girls asking what the dude is doing and stuff like that. I hated that. Because that’s the girl I always tried to avoid being. Looking through cell phone bills and bank accounts; he took me out of my element and I didn’t like that.”

Linda’s husband was a serial cheater. She perused cell phone records and financial statements, called hotels, searched his computer and iPad, and read messages. She even emailed one of his mistresses.

“So I did something that’s not very nice. I created a fake Gmail account that sounded just like it would be his Gmail account and I emailed her and I said, ‘Hey, what’s going on? This is the best way to contact me right now. How’re you doing?’ She writes back, “Oh I feel like somebody that’s lost her best friend. I’ve missed you so much and not being able to talk to you is just awful. You can’t live like this. Your wife is crazy. Just go get a disposable cell phone. Go to the pay phone if they still have them. Do anything. I have to talk to you.” And so then I started asking questions. I made up questions that I supposed he would ask, like “What do you want from us?” And she said, “I want to be walking down the beach hand in hand, growing old together but I know that’s not what you’re telling me is going to happen.” That made me feel sad. I probably hurt her.

Linda admitted, “I have a PhD in each of his affairs.” Later in the interview she mused, “I think I got addicted to the hunt, the hunt for information.” A hunt that was made possible by the same technology her husband used to be unfaithful.

How obsessive would you become about a hunt? In “The Entire History of You” episode of an excellent series (I am very biased) titled Black Mirror, the characters each have a device called a grain that allows them to replay their past memories. Here’s a huge SPOILER ALERT: the main character becomes obsessive about his wife’s relationship with a “friend” and uses their grains to eventually confirm his wife’s infidelity. Watch the video:

The episode is incredibly entertaining and admittedly it seemed far-fetched until July 22, 2015, when Google received a patent for a searchable video archive of anyone wearing a device similar to Google Glass. A device and storage system like this could make recalling our sexual greatest hits easier than ever, but it would also make it easier for partners and others to hack them as well. How would you feel about living in a world where every aspect of one’s digital indiscretions were archived and accessible online? How obsessed would you become?

Hot Tub Sex is HOT! and Oh, so Sexy

By
Bobby Morgan
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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

A few weekends ago, we had one of those rare weekends with high temperatures in the 70’s. We just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do something fun outdoors, and what could be more fun than sex in a hot tub?

Luckily, I live relatively close to an outstanding outdoor hot tub spa. Each of the private outdoor “rooms” are decorated in a theme.

If you’re thinking that themed rooms are tacky, these are not. We got the Oahu room, which is surrounded by high privacy walls and fences complete with a waterfall. (On a previous visit, we had the Vancouver room that’s furnished in a rustic lodge feel with a gas fireplace.) There’s also a selection of piped-in music to set the mood. An acoustic strings channel was quite fitting for the dreamy post-brunch state of mind we were already in.

Regardless of the surroundings, hot tub sex is … well … pretty damn hot. The sensations of feeling weightless and buoyant in the warm, bubbling water is a sensual experience onto itself. It also lends to some sex positions that wouldn’t be possible or nearly as comfortable on a bed or in a chair. If you have sizable weight or height differences, being in the bubbly, shallow water makes many more positions do-able.

He sat back while I straddled his hips and effortlessly pumped and ground myself on top of him. While I was expending most of the energy and action, it hardly felt if I was at all. If it were physiologically possible to make love all day, sex in a hot tub would be the way to do it.

While waterproof battery-operated toys can be fun in a hot tub, they really aren’t necessary if you catch my drift. On both visits, we never thought about using sex toys.

Before Your Dive Into Hot Tub Sex…

Before jumping into a hot tub sex outing, there are a few things that you should keep in mind.

  • Pay heed to medical conditions. Hot tubs are a “no-no” for pregnant women or people with heart conditions.
  • If you need to use a lube, use a silicone lubricant. It won’t wash away like a water-based lubricant, although chances are you won’t need it.
  • If you’re a woman prone to yeast infections, chlorine can mess up your Ph balance. It might be a good idea to add some yogurt to your diet before and after hot tubbing.
  • If you rely on spermicide or condoms for birth control, have another plan and or be creative with your sex play. Both are less effective in water.
  • Whether or not you get your nookie on in a hot tub, make sure that it’s clean and properly maintained. Vaginal and other infections are so unsexy.

Previously published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/hot-hot-tub-sex/

Rough Sex for the Nice Guy with Reid Mihalko

By
Miyoko
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I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Reid Mihalko, The Sex Geek for my show on Rough Sex!  While almost every woman who replied to my query about whether or not they liked rough sex replied with an emphatic “YES!!!”  there seemed to be just as many men who don’t know how to pull it off.

Thankfully, The Sex Geek was on hand and ready to save the day!  With practical advice and words of encouragement and enlightenment, everyone will gain the confidence to give it a whirl…. or a smack, pull, or choke. *wink, wink*

Here’s a sample of our discussion, but if you want the full interview and Reid’s tips on how to spank, pull hair, and choke your lover the right way, check out the free information on his website, or listen to the entire episode on Playboy Radio, Ep #39.

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