Thursday, July 25, 2024

8 Myths About Sex & Aging Baby Boomers Should Know

With the baby boomer generation reaching retirement, the United States is seeing more active adults than ever,   so understanding how aging impacts sexually and intimacy is crucial – and it’s not all negative! There are benefits and positive aspects of being sexually active while getting older too. Here are eight common myths about sexuality and aging, and the facts that prove them wrong.

Myth #1: Older people do not have sex

In an article by Loren Stein, M.A. called “Sex and Seniors” in 2015 it was stated that “among 45- to 59-year-olds with sexual partners, some 56 percent said they had sexual intercourse once a week or more. Among 60- to 70-year-olds with partners, 46 percent of men and 38 percent of women have sex at least once a week, as did 34 percent of those 70 or older. “ Therefore, the sexual drive doesn’t shut off, it just slows down a little with age. The idea that adults reach a certain age and just shut down sexually is completely false. Older age does lead to a reduced frequency of sexual behaviors but does not mean that there is a cessation of sexuality or sensual desire.

According to the research published by the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in 2010, about half of adults ages 50-80 have engaged in sexual intercourse within the year that they were surveyed. Women over 50 years old engage in 5% less intercourse per year as they age and 7% less giving or receiving oral sex per year.   Men over 50 years old have a yearly decrease in both intercourse and oral sex by 8%. In a study done by Karraker, A., DeLamater, J., & Schwartz, C. R. (2011), they found that the reason for the decline in sexual behavior was not aging, but other life factors that happened with getting older.   Women showed a decreased frequency of sexual behavior when widowed, for example, and men showed a decrease of sexual behavior with the increase of health issues.

Myth #2: Aging adults cannot get pregnant

The general opinion from the medical community is that once a woman is post menopausal, she is unable to get pregnant, but the times and duration of menopause vary for many women, causing the post menopausal age to range. Due to advancements in fertility treatments, women can take medications that allow pregnancy to occur much later in life. The oldest women to give birth was 70 year old named Rajo Devi Lohan in India. Several women in their 60’s have given birth in the early 2000’s with the help of In Vitro Fertilization. While pregnancy is more difficult for an older women, it is not impossible. Women have lost about 90% of their eggs by the age of 40, leaving a very slim possibility for pregnancy, but while the eggs have an expiration date, the uterus does not. According to an interview with Dr. David Adamson with Medical Daily, “The bottom line is that the uterus can function just about until the death of the woman”. While the oldest mother to conceive naturally was 59, INF, or In Vitro Fertilization, is an option at all times. There are ethical concerns about becoming a mother at an older age such as maternal mortality rate, illness during aging, and overall ability to care for a child. The United States will not allow a child to be adopted to a women over 50 for those ethical reasons.

Myth #3: STI rates must be low in older adults

According to the Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging, the rate of Sexually Transmitted Infections in the over 50 population in the United States is growing at a faster pace then the population of people under 40.   There are many reasons for this rise in contracting STIs among this generation. First, the baby boomer generation is aging, creating a large population of people over 60. Second, new trends in medical advancements with performance enhancing drugs are causing an even higher rate of sexual intercourse with people as they age. Third, there is rising number of mid-life divorces. These newly single middle aged and older adults are now looking for dates online through websites, and even mobile apps. This quick method of connecting has caused more availability to date, more access to partners, and ultimately more sexual behavior. Lastly, these individuals may have less sex education than younger adults.   If they were in a marriage for the first part of their lives, they did not have partners other than their spouse at the start of the HIV/AIDS crisis. The use of barrier protection and other methods of contraception were far less widely used years ago. Therefore, if these newly divorced individuals are behaving in the same sexual way that they did when they were younger, they will be at a higher risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Because older women have less concern about getting pregnant, they may not prioritize barrier methods to protect against infections.

Myth #4: Older women do not desire sex

Many people feel that as women age, specifically in a marriage, that they lose all sexual desire. This is not the case.   As mentioned, women, as well as men, have a slight decrease in the amount of sexual behavior as they age yearly after 50.   Women still have the ability to feel sexual and intimate desire throughout their entire life. As women reach menopause, their naturally produced estrogen decreases, causing less natural lubrication during intercourse. This is a common issue and many physicians prescribe estrogen creams to insert vaginally, or simply recommend an over the counter personal lubricant. While desire may decrease, desire also ebbs and flows. Many reasons that women report feeling less sexual with age has to do with cultural pressures, emotional issues within a relationship, self esteem, and medical problems.   The North American Menopausal Society states that desire is a combination of drive, beliefs, and motivation. While drive is biological and may be impacted by hormone change over time, beliefs and motivation are psychological and able to change based on perception. Women have a lot more control over their sexual desire while aging then previously though.

Myth #5: Older men have constant Erectile Dysfunction

Just as it may be a common assumption that women lose all sexual desire as they age, many believe that it is a natural occurrence for men to have erectile dysfunction as they age.   While more men experience erectile dysfunction at older ages as opposed to younger ages, it is not a natural part of aging. Only 5% of men under 40 experience erectile dysfunction, but 44% of men in their 60’s have experienced it.   According to research done at Harvard Medical School, the reason for this is that erectile dysfunction reflects the impact of the chronic diseases that are common with age.   The most important are atherosclerosis and hypertension, which affect blood vessels, and diabetes, which strikes both blood vessels and nerves. Medications that older men take can interfere with sexual function, including some that treat high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety and depression. In addition to medical causes, about 30% of erectile dysfunction stems from a psychological cause. Aside from ED, there are other changes that do naturally occur with men’s erections as they age.   Their erections may not be as firm, and foreplay may need to be extended to allow longer time for a satisfying erection.

Myth #6: People over 50 don’t have casual sex

The divorce rate for people in the middle and later stages of their lives has increased with the aging of the baby boomer generation.   This new population of single adults in their 50’s through their 70’s has created a more sexual group of aging adults. 23% of men over fifty that are having sex report that their most recent sex partner was with a “friend or acquaintance”. Women over 50 report casual sex about 13% of the time.   There is also a growing number of adults over 50 that enjoy a relationship with a “friends with benefits” dynamic. Especially for much older adults, getting married, or remarried, may not be the goal. They report wanting to enjoy the intimacy and companionship, but without the need to create a family or other aspects that are typically the goals of younger adults. One reason why many people think that older adults do not age engage in casual sex is that it is a topic that people do not talk about. Terms such as “dirty old man” and “cougar” stigmatize and degrade the sexuality of sexual older adults.   Increased cultural dialogue about aging and sexuality will increase awareness and reduce stigma.

Myth #7: Urinary Incontinence causes older adults to have accidents during sex

Some older adults experience urinary incontinence which impacts sexuality.   This can cause feelings of shame or discomfort and get in the way of the possibilities of great sexual experiences. Women that struggle with incontinence experience coital incontinence 10% to 27% of the time. There are several reasons why urine may leak during a sexual encounter. Pressure on the abdomen can cause leakage of urine during sex. Other reasons include overactive bladder, weakened pelvic floor muscles, and complications of prostate issues, including prostate cancer. While women have reported loss of urine throughout the duration of the sexual encounter, older men have reported loss of urine during foreplay. A study by Guay, A., and Seftel, A. (2008) showed that 38% percent of older men that had no daytime incontinence had experienced a loss of urine during foreplay.   While this is an issue that can have an effect on aging adults, there are solutions to not let it hinder enjoyable sex.   One can prepare for sex by avoiding large amounts of fluids before being sexual and putting down a towel for a precaution.   Talking about it reduces feelings of shame and secrecy. An older couple can experiment with different positions that are less likely to put pressure on the bladder, such as rear entry and side by side positions. Women and men can be proactive about their pelvic floor muscles by practicing kegel exercises. If a man or a women uses catheters for incontinence, there are several options available to incorporate this during sex.   A catheter can be bent and taped to create room for intercourse.   Some couples find that eroticising the catheter use reduces shame and increases pleasure.

Myth #8: Sex is dangerous for older adults

Aging by itself does not cause a danger. The potential risks for older adults are when they have fallen out of shape or have developed a medical condition or disability, but this also does not make sex dangerous or impossible. Older adults that struggle with high-risk conditions should exercise precaution, just as they would with any other physical activity that they want to engage in. Because older women tend to suffer with lower bone density post menopause, it may not be advisable to engage in acrobatic sex.   Men with high blood pressure or heart conditions should exercise caution when having long duration or highly aerobic sex.   Older adults who have a disability can modify their practices and setting to support a healthy sex life such as having bed modifications or using sex aides and toys.   But the bottom line is that sex for older adults can be enjoyable and satisfying.



Orgy Turns Disabilities Into Abilities

Congratulations Stella Palikarova, a disability awareness consultant in Toronto for pioneering the first ever orgy entitled “The Deliciously Disabled” – a sex night for 125 disabled, sexually excited, and liberated people.

Let’s face it, swing clubs and brothels should be legalized for everyone worldwide, including the physically disabled. People with disabilities have the same feelings and need for love, intimacy and sexual gratification as anyone else. Dennis Hof’s world famous Bunny Ranch is proud to welcome people with all kinds of disabilities and has wheelchair access with special assistance by beautiful women who love to have sex for a living.

We are all sexual beings from the moment we are born to the moment we die and sex is a precious gift that we all deserve no matter what. This resonated for me when I interviewed Asta Philpot, a young, fun loving, productive, sexy, intelligent man who took some disabled men to Spain to lose their virginity in a brothel. I loved his film because it was about truth without any judgment.

Asta was born with arthrogryposis, which left him immobile below his neck. He has feeling in his body, but is unable to move any part. However, he has no limitations when it comes to sex.

Asta had sex for the first time in a licensed Spanish brothel with his families blessing and it has made him even happier, more fulfilled than before.  Check out his short compelling video above with yours truly as well as Reverend Michael Beckwith founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles.

This year’s sex orgy will take place on August 14 at the same time Toronto is hosting the Parapan Am Games. TORONTO 2015 will be the fifth edition of the Parapan Am Games and will feature 1,500 athletes from 28 countries competing in 15 sports. All sports will be Paralympic qualifiers for the Rio 2016 Paralympic Games. Sports for athletes with a disability have existed for more than 100 years.

If you are interested in learning more about how to turn disabilities into abilities, especially in the bedroom, you’re in luck because I have created an online course that will educate and inspire you.

Erection Rigidity: A Perfect Storm

Sex length


Note: Although this is written primarily for men, it is equally relevant to females. Since the penis and clitoris are homologous organs, whenever you see the word “penis” you can substitute the word “clitoris.” In terms of solutions, only simple and natural ones will be mentioned. A discussion of oral medications, urethral suppositories, injections and penile implants will be a topic for another time.

The penis is one of the most “magical” of organs—uniquely capable of transforming its size, shape, and constitution in a matter of nanoseconds. The remarkable upsurge is possible because blood inflow is maximized while outflow is minimized, resulting in penile blood pressures that far exceed arterial blood pressure.

Rigid erections can only occur when there is a “perfect storm” of three events:

Event #1 (Pre-penile): Arterial blood flow to the pelvis needs to increase substantially.

Event #2 (Penile): Smooth muscle within the arteries and the spongy sinuses of the erectile chambers of the penis must relax to allow engorgement with blood.

Event #3 (Post-penile): The pelvic floor muscles must engage and compress the deep roots of the penis to morph the swollen penis into a rigid one. The blood pressure in the penis resulting from the inflow of blood alone, in the absence of the contribution from the pelvic floor muscles, will not exceed systolic blood pressure, so the pelvic floor muscles play a vital role with respect to both rigidity and durability of erections.

When erections go south, it comes down to failure in one or more of the three events, which can be pre-penile, penile, or post-penile.

Pre-penile ED

The problem lies within the arterial blood supply to the pelvis, which is not capable of delivering enough blood flow to fill the penis. Typically, the pelvic arteries are clogged with fatty plaque (atherosclerosis), which is often due to an unhealthy lifestyle: poor diet, physical inactivity, being overweight and use of tobacco. Diabetes is a very common cause of impaired blood flow (although it also adversely affects the nerve supply). Insufficient blood flow may also occur because of the blood pressure lowering effect of blood pressure medications. Psychological issues such as performance anxiety cause constriction of the inflow to the penis by virtue of the adrenaline released as a result of anxiety, adrenaline being a potent constrictor of blood flow.

Solution to Pre-penile ED

Lifestyle “angioplasty”—meaning getting down to “fighting” weight, adopting a heart-healthy (and penis-healthy diet), exercising regularly, drinking alcohol moderately, avoiding tobacco, minimizing stress, getting enough sleep, etc.—all common sense measures to improve all aspects of health in general and blood vessel health in particular.

Penile ED

The problem lies within the penis itself. Because of poorly functioning smooth muscle within the arteries and sinuses of the erectile chambers, the penis cannot properly swell with blood. This smooth muscle cannot relax enough to allow blood flow to inflate the penis and pinch off the venous drainage. This failure of relaxation of the smooth muscle in the penile arteries and spongy sinuses parallels the failure of relaxation of smooth muscle in our arteries that causes high blood pressure (a.k.a. “essential” hypertension). Loss of this smooth muscle and scarring can happen with aging, following prostate cancer surgery, from Peyronie’s disease (abnormal scar tissue within the penis) or because of disuse atrophy (loss of penis form and function because of lack of use as it was intended to be used).

Solution to Penile ED

Age-related malfunctioning smooth muscle and scarring is a difficult issue to manage. However, lifestyle measures can be helpful as well as adopting a “use it or lose it” attitude towards erectile function—exercising the penis via regular sexual activity will actually help its continued functioning and health of the smooth muscle of the penile arteries and sinuses.

Post-Penile ED

The problem is weakened pelvic floor muscles. These feeble muscles are incapable of compressing the roots of the penis sufficiently to increase the blood pressure in the penis to the levels needed for rock-hard rigidity.

Solution to Post-Penile ED

Pelvic floor muscle training to improve the strength, tone and endurance of the pelvic floor muscles will optimize erectile rigidity and durability.

Fitness Guru Ben Greenfield Shares His Penis Strength Secrets

Mastermind Talks 2014 in Toronto, Ontario. ©2014 Mark Adams

Bestselling author, global speaker and fitness guru Ben Greenfield takes on the PrivateGym this week in “How to Make Your Penis Stronger With A Private Gym,” an extremely informative and quite hilarious blog that chronicles his first four weeks of penis training with the male fitness program.

From the moment of picking up the discreet package in his mailbox, (“So much for 7-minute abs. I now have the promise of 7-minute gonads”) through all the penis lifts and pelvic floor contractions, I had to laugh out loud in several places at this honest and humble account of a man super-charging his penis.

I have to say my favorite part is when, at one point, Greenfield is losing his erection while exercising, and instead of turning to porn, he breaks out sexy pictures of his wife. You simply can’t help but root for his penis-strength journey after that! And in the end (spoiler alert) his wife actually notices the pelvic strength he’s developed, leaving him feeling confident and falling asleep with a smile.

I highly recommend reading this blog for a play-by-play on how the Private Gym training system really works. He gets into nitty gritty details that you can’t learn from reading the product box, and describes the experience in helpful ways.

Here at Sexpert, you can read another informative review of the PrivateGym by Dr. Don Etkes, and some great information from Urologist Dr. Andrew Siegel about erection rigidity, penis hydraulics and what to expect of erections as you age.

There’s still time to enter to win your own Private Gym in our June contest. ENTER NOW!

Getting In Touch With Your Inner Penis

When I use the term “inner penis,” I am not referring in a new age, meditative way to the unexpressed, indiscernible, and unacknowledged spiritual-mental-emotional drive underpinning male sexuality (although that is a good topic for another day).  I am referring to the physical, not metaphysical, literal inner part of the penis.  Did you know that one half of the penis is actually internal while the other half is external?

Why does man have an inner penis at all? It seems to be such a waste of human flesh.  In reality it is very clever engineering—man has an inner penis for the same reason a house has a foundation and a tree has roots. Without solid foundational support, there would not be the infrastructure to enable to a rigid erection, angling proudly up towards the heavens. If the purpose of the penis was only to conduct urine and there was no need for rigidity, there would be no need for such support.  However, in order to defy gravity and stand tall and proud at appropriate times, the penis must have strong roots.  If a house had a weak foundation, it could easily blow down in a storm and if a tree has a poor root system, a gust of wind could level it, and so robust penile foundational support is a necessity for supporting a rigid erection and allowing it to survive in the “stormy turbulence” it may encounter with sexual activity.

Let’s briefly study the anatomy of the penis: The pendulous penis (hanging like a pendulum) is the external and visible portion of the penis. The penile shaft extends from the base of the penis (where the penis attaches to the body in the pubic region) to the glans (the head of the penis, derived from the Latin word for acorn). The infrapubic penis (“below” the pubic bone) is the inner, hidden, deeper aspect ofthe penis that extends down the pubic bones on each side. The crura (derived from the Latine word for legs) are the deep penile roots, which are secured to the bones and provide the internal support necessary for an erection.

The bulk of the tissue of the penile shaft is composed of three erection chambers that contain spongy, vascular erectile tissue: the paired corpora cavernosa (cave-like bodies) and the single corpus spongiosum  (spongy body). Although they are individual cylinders, the corpora cavernosa are interconnected and communicate.  The corpora cavernosa run parallel down the shaft of the pendulous penis, and diverge at the level of the inner component of the penis, forming the crura that are anchored to the pelvic bones.  The urethra (channel that conducts urine and semen) is enveloped by the corpus spongiosum, which begins in the perineum (area between the scrotum and anus), where it expands to form the bulb and extends to and forms the glans penis. It lies in the groove between the corpora cavernosa.

If you imagine your body to represent the penis, your legs are your crura, your torso is the external penis, and your head is the glans. In order for your torso and head to stand tall and erect, you need your legs planted firmly; otherwise, your torso would crumble to the ground.

Important and intimately connected allies of your inner penis are the pelvic floor muscles, which work with the erection chambers of the penis. The two important pelvic floor muscles involved with sexual function are the bulbocavernosus (BC) and ischiocavernosus (IC) muscles. The BC surrounds the inner, deeper portion of the urethra and covers and compresses the bulb of the penis. It is really a compressor muscle, so I call it the urethral compressor. In its relaxed state, it acts as an internal strut that helps anchor the deepest, internal aspect of the penis. When the muscle is contracted actively after urination, it compresses the urethra to expel the last few drops of urine that remain in the deep urethra. During sex, it helps support the tumescent (swollen) corpus spongiosum and glans. At the time of climax, this muscle is responsible for the expulsion of semen by virtue of its strong rhythmic contractions, allowing ejaculation to occur and contributing to orgasm. The classic 1909 textbook Gray’s Anatomy aptly labeled the BC muscle as “ejaculator urine.”

The paired IC muscles cover and compress each corpus cavernosum of the penis.  They, too, are compressor muscles, so I call them the corporal compressors. In their relaxed state, they act as internal struts that help anchor the deepest aspect of the corpora—the crura—to the perineum.  The IC muscles stabilize the erect penis and compress the corpora, decreasing the return of blood to help maintain penile rigidity and sky-high blood pressures in the penis. At the time of climax, they contract rhythmically and are responsible for maximal erectile rigidity at the time of ejaculation.

Scientific Study Reveals Size Of Average Schlong

Researchers polled over 15,000 men on the size of their poles and found that the average schlong is 5.16 inches long. That’s when it’s erect, and is only 3.6 inches long when flaccid. No wonder men lie about the size of their woodrows. The study, conducted by the unintentionally funny sounding BJU International, a medical journal specializing in urology,  is the most comprehensive study to date. The study’s title “Am I Normal?” wants to “reassure the large majority of men that the size of their penis is in the normal range,” says David Veale, who led the study.

The study measured men ages 17-91, with only 2.28 having abnormally small penises and the same percentage having super gigantic ones. The penises were measured “by a health professional.”

In my own personal “study,” I have found there are four sizes of penises: Small, Medium, Large, and “OMG you’re going to kill me with that thing.”

Digital Indiscretions – Part One: Connection

Digital Indiscretions is a three part series on infidelity in the age of technology. The series is based on Dr. Ebony Utley’s interviews with U.S. women about their experiences with infidelity. Interviewees chose their own pseudonyms to protect their privacy.

It is easier to connect with people in the age of technology. We manage relationships by phone, text, video chats, social media, and social haptic networks. Not even physical touch is out of our reach.

Fundawear, for example, is underwear designed by Durex that “allows touch to be transferred over the Internet.” Frixion allows partners to stimulate each other no matter their distance. Geography is no longer a reason to reject a potential relationship. However, the same technologies that bring two people closer can also bring a third person into the relationship, and with it, the potential for indiscretion.

Interviewees recounted several stories of their partners’ digital indiscretions. Dawn’s husband initiated “an inappropriate Facebook/phone affair” with a woman he knew thirty years ago in high school. Other husbands had profiles on and India’s husband met his second wife on MySpace while he was still married to India.

Women also initiated online relationships. The possibility that Charlotte would leave her husband became even more certain after she reconnected with a friend on Facebook who is now her fiancé. Ebony decided her husband’s affair was no reason to break up their family. She admitted to being unhappy until she discovered the computer herself.

“So my niece turns me on to the computer. Mind you I don’t know nothing about a computer. She tells me, ‘Auntie you oughta see on this computer. You can go on these sites and you can do this and you can do that.’ So one day I go over to her house and I’m looking at her computer and they have this site called Unhappily Married. I’m like, ‘Oh, ok.’ So she shows me how the thing goes and we’re doing it. And I’m like, ‘Aahh, this is fun.’ I’m just enjoying it. So, next thing you know, I want a computer.”

Even after being caught by her husband, Ebony changed her screen name and was back in the online dating and cybersex game. The world of digital relationships is so compelling that even someone not ordinarily inclined to wander gets seduced by the intimacy of online connections.

Then there is the question of artificial intelligence. None of the interviewees in this study mentioned a robot as the third party in a digital indiscretion, but the possibility may be moving closer to reality.

The U.S. version of Humans is the story of synthetics who are not sentient but their communication with and care for their human owners make them indispensable. In season one episode four, primary user, Joe Hawkins has sex with his synthetic Anita. His daughter discovers the synth has been on “adult mode” and eventually Joe confesses to his wife who is outraged that he had sex with their children’s caretaker. Joe suggests it wasn’t infidelity, but more like having sex with a toy.

Joe’s defense raises important questions. Is sex with a synth a digital indiscretion? Would simply sharing feelings with a synth count as an emotional affair? How much connection is too much connection? How would you feel if your partner had sex with a robot and kept it from you?

Why It Matters When You Want Sex

Sometimes partners just don’t want sex at the same time. This simple discrepancy can lead to dissatisfaction when sex never seems to happen, or miscommunication when neither person talks about why sex never seems to happen – and even arguments, with accusations like, “You never want sex.” Sound familiar?

In a survey of 2,300 people in Britain, almost two-thirds of women (63 per cent) and 54 per cent of men said they wanted sex as much as their current partner.

However, there were big differences in how couples’ sex drives vary during the week.

  • Just over half of men (51 per cent) said their sex drive was pretty constant, compared to just 36 per cent of women.
  • Almost half of women (47 per cent) said their sex drive was driven by their moods but this applied to just 34 per cent of men.
  • More than two-thirds of women (68 per cent) and 63 per cent of men had dated someone whose sex drive was different from their own.
  • This caused issues for 44 per cent of women but just a third (33 per cent) of men.

The survey revealed a staggering difference in the sexes’ optimum moment for passion:

It found that 78 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women desire sex most at different times of the day.

  • Men feel at their friskiest first thing in the morning. More than a quarter (28 per cent) most desire sex between 6am and 9am – with the most popular time at 7.54am.
  • Just 11 per cent of women feel most passionate at this time. Desire levels for women rise throughout the day and reach their peak between 11pm and 2am.

In short, one is a morning person, and the other a night owl.

It is common knowledge that most couples have sexual drive discrepancy (one wanting sex more than the other). However what is also a common complaint in my practice is when they want sex. Sex becomes a chore when one’s body just wants to sleep!

What can be done?

Here are some of my suggestions:

  1. Prioritize sleep – A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that women who get one more hour of sleep increase their sex drive. A sleepy person is a grumpy person. Since we deal with sleep deprivation differently, we really ought to quit judging, comparing and complaining.
  2. Make time for sex – We schedule time for everything else that’s important. How about if we get over our digust for the lack of spontanity? This is life. We have challenges and things come up. Therefore, we need to make time for what’s important, even if it means penciling it down!
  3. Adapt and adjust – Some compromise and negotiation needs to be involved to adapt and adjust to each other’s needs, wants and desires. An example might be sex in the morning this week, and evening the next.
  4. Discuss and discuss – Keep communication channels open. Even when there is no conclusion, this can be the one thing that helps when frustration is high and cross words are exchanged.
  5. Seek help – There is absolutely no need to soldier on and suffer in silence. Often, a trained external party like myself can come in and bring illumination to the situation.

Sex is more than sex. A happy couple who are both sexually happy are stronger as individuals for it.

Rough Sex for the Nice Guy with Reid Mihalko

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Reid Mihalko, The Sex Geek for my show on Rough Sex!  While almost every woman who replied to my query about whether or not they liked rough sex replied with an emphatic “YES!!!”  there seemed to be just as many men who don’t know how to pull it off.

Thankfully, The Sex Geek was on hand and ready to save the day!  With practical advice and words of encouragement and enlightenment, everyone will gain the confidence to give it a whirl…. or a smack, pull, or choke. *wink, wink*

Here’s a sample of our discussion, but if you want the full interview and Reid’s tips on how to spank, pull hair, and choke your lover the right way, check out the free information on his website, or listen to the entire episode on Playboy Radio, Ep #39.


10 Tips For An Awesome Anal August

August is Anal Pleasure Month! What better time to give it a try if you haven’t, or have fun doing it if you already love it? It may not be for everyone, but without a few crucial tips, you might not be giving it the best shot, and you could be missing out on an exciting array of sensations.

Keep in mind that butt play is great for folks with a prostate too! It can be a gateway to learning how to have multiple orgasms as well as orgasms not directly involving the penis.

Try this advice to make the experience wetter & better!

1. Lube!

This cannot be understated: The ass does not self-lubricate like the vagina does. The anal lining is very thin, so it is more susceptible to tearing than the vagina. To keep things nice and slick, grab a gel-like water-based lube for some cushion, or some silicone lube to last a really long time, or even a nice creamy hybrid, which will last a bit longer than water-based, but is easier to wash away than silicone.

2. Warm Up

You have to romance the ass. Take your time. Don’t rush into it. Many of us have seen scenes in porn where suddenly anal sex is happening. In some cases, that is do-able, but usually for those who have had a lot of practice. Most of us need time to warm up and work our way up gradually to larger toys or appendages. Spend time on the anal opening – slow circles, massaging gently, before going all in.

3. Go S-L-O-W-L-Y

The ass has a TON of nerve endings, so it feels, very acutely, what is going on. Especially when you’re starting out, go very slowly. If you think you’re going slow, go slower.

4. Pay Attention to Your Body

If anything hurts, STOP. There is a huge (problematic) misconception that anal play is supposed to hurt. This is so not true! There is a difference between “this is a new and uncomfortable feeling” and “ow this is the worst thing ever.” Pay attention. It might just be that you need more lube, or the position you are in isn’t working for you, or the toy is a bit too big so you might have to scale down.

5. Play Sober

A drink or two may not be a problem. But if you have trouble articulating, communicating, and feeling, you might end up going too far, too quickly, and possibly hurt yourself.

6. Never Use Numbing Agents!

This is bad, bad news folks. You need the information that your nerves are sending to your brain, because they tell you when to slow down or stop.


If you have to stop because something hurts, go out as slowly as you went in. Do not yank it out quickly.

7. Without a Base, Without a Trace

When using toys be sure to only use ones (plugs, dildos, etc) with a base. It would not be a fun time to lose something up your bum. It might involve a trip to the ER and just all around discomfort. Be smart with what you stick in your body.

Add More Lube!

Don’t be shy! Wetter is better. If you’re with a partner, don’t be afraid to ask for more lube.

8. Breathe!

It helps you to relax and get centered. And, the more you breathe, the more you feel.

9. Safer Sex

Safer sex is important! The penetrator can wear an external (“male”) condom OR the person being penetrated can use an internal condom (“female;” fc2) – just take the inner ring out! The internal condom hangs out of the anus a bit which also covers a bit more skin!

10. Have Fun!

Nothing is worth doing if you aren’t enjoying yourself! Happy Anal August!