Why It Matters When You Want Sex

Sometimes partners just don’t want sex at the same time. This simple discrepancy can lead to dissatisfaction when sex never seems to happen, or miscommunication when neither person talks about why sex never seems to happen – and even arguments, with accusations like, “You never want sex.” Sound familiar?

In a survey of 2,300 people in Britain, almost two-thirds of women (63 per cent) and 54 per cent of men said they wanted sex as much as their current partner.

However, there were big differences in how couples’ sex drives vary during the week.

  • Just over half of men (51 per cent) said their sex drive was pretty constant, compared to just 36 per cent of women.
  • Almost half of women (47 per cent) said their sex drive was driven by their moods but this applied to just 34 per cent of men.
  • More than two-thirds of women (68 per cent) and 63 per cent of men had dated someone whose sex drive was different from their own.
  • This caused issues for 44 per cent of women but just a third (33 per cent) of men.

The survey revealed a staggering difference in the sexes’ optimum moment for passion:

It found that 78 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women desire sex most at different times of the day.

  • Men feel at their friskiest first thing in the morning. More than a quarter (28 per cent) most desire sex between 6am and 9am – with the most popular time at 7.54am.
  • Just 11 per cent of women feel most passionate at this time. Desire levels for women rise throughout the day and reach their peak between 11pm and 2am.

In short, one is a morning person, and the other a night owl.

It is common knowledge that most couples have sexual drive discrepancy (one wanting sex more than the other). However what is also a common complaint in my practice is when they want sex. Sex becomes a chore when one’s body just wants to sleep!

What can be done?

Here are some of my suggestions:

  1. Prioritize sleep – A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that women who get one more hour of sleep increase their sex drive. A sleepy person is a grumpy person. Since we deal with sleep deprivation differently, we really ought to quit judging, comparing and complaining.
  2. Make time for sex – We schedule time for everything else that’s important. How about if we get over our digust for the lack of spontanity? This is life. We have challenges and things come up. Therefore, we need to make time for what’s important, even if it means penciling it down!
  3. Adapt and adjust – Some compromise and negotiation needs to be involved to adapt and adjust to each other’s needs, wants and desires. An example might be sex in the morning this week, and evening the next.
  4. Discuss and discuss – Keep communication channels open. Even when there is no conclusion, this can be the one thing that helps when frustration is high and cross words are exchanged.
  5. Seek help – There is absolutely no need to soldier on and suffer in silence. Often, a trained external party like myself can come in and bring illumination to the situation.

Sex is more than sex. A happy couple who are both sexually happy are stronger as individuals for it.


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