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Orgasm Tips by D Shade

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Fingering Toward Orgasm

By
Debra Shade
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How Can Fingering Help Vulva Owners Reach Orgasm?

Let’s talk about an orgasm brought on by vaginal stimulation with fingers. This can result in intense and/or multiple orgasm, and for some, ejaculation. The best method to please a vulva born individual is to experiment with finger manipulation. Up to 75% of vulva owners state that they do not orgasm from penetration alone. This means, that figuring out how to use your fingers to provide a mind-blowing vaginal orgasm is a must. 

Fingering the G-spot

The best part about fingering though, is the direct contact made with the G-spot. Which by the way is not a “spot” or “button”, it’s an area at the top frontal wall of the vagina. This area happens to rest between the clitoral legs (inside the vagina) and is super sensitive. It is only 2-3 inches deep, which means that your penetration needs to be very shallow.

If you are masturbating and feel the pleasures of stimulating the Gspot but are not achieving ejaculation, you may be a little too far inside and are missing the spot entirely. Manual stimulation directly on this area will increase your chances of ejaculating.

Different Types of Finger Stimulation or Fingering:

The benefits of using your fingers is that you can curl them. There are three very popular finger movements that can bring on the thunder.

fingering sex
Image by Demie Hadji from Pixabay

The Two-Fingered Salute: Keeping your pointer and middle finger together and keeping them flat, use the padding of the finger tips to stroke with. Move forward and backward and side to side over the area. Use light to medium pressure depending on the person.

Come Hither: When your mate gets really aroused and is displaying all the signs of needing more stimulation switch to the second finger movement; the “come hither”. Curl your fingers toward you as if you are telling someone to come to you. Do so with a little more pressure and work your speed up with your mates breathing and body movements. Do not stop what you are doing until they orgasm, which may include ejaculate.

shutterstock

Spidey Fingers: What are spidey (or spiderman) fingers? This is the act of positioning your hand to look like spiderman when he is shooting his webs. The two middle fingers go into the vagina, with the two end fingers sticking out. The thumb can also be used to stimulate the clitoris in this position.

How to Finger the Vagina

So, insert your lubed fingers into the vagina slow and carefully. Many individuals cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation so be sure to include that once you have them fully aroused. Also be mindful that some folks find that clit stimulation is too intense. If this is the case, lick and suck over the clitoral hood to create a “buffer” from direct stimulation. You can use your thumb or your mouth to tease and maneuver the clit. Once your fingers are in, explore. Stroke the sides of the wall. The roof and the deep spot are very sensitive.

What is the Deep Spot?

copyright Dominadoll

Deep inside the vagina is an area know as the A spot (anterior fornix) which you can stroke with your fingers to bring about an orgasm. This can be an intense, all over body orgasm if one allows themselves to relax into the sensations. Right below the Aspot you can find the cervix. It is firm to the touch so be careful not to jam it. However, some vulva owners enjoying having their cervix stimulated. Be sure to use lots of lube for cervical play.

The last area I want to mention is the deep spot. I like to call it the cul-de-sac because you can only go so far with your fingers. That area that is as far and deep in the vagina that you can go to bring on an orgasm. It is also known to cause ejaculate as well.

Manipulating the cul-de-sac should be with medium pressure that you can increase as you press down deeper. You are also manipulating the anal wall from the inside, which increases pleasure. It is not a position where you will be able to do the come-hither motion. Bouncing is more appropriate (stroke up and down quickly), staying close to the back wall for the full effect. Again, don’t stop until the orgasm is over.

Many Types of Fingering Orgasms

The cool thing about fingering is that you have a lot of control over what sort of orgasm you can provide. If you want a more intimate, love making experience, do it slow and steady. The intensity of your finger motion should be determined by the receiver. Never behave aggressive unless asked to do so. Be intentional with where you place your fingers and how much pressure you use when touching the vagina. Be sure to keep your knuckles as flat as possible so that you are not bruising the soft tissue of the vulva.

Body Language Baby

Let’s say you are with someone who is not too verbal in expressing their needs, recognizing some common body language can guide you both to their orgasm.

Image by Saulius Rozanas from Pixabay

Any sort of flinching means; stop whatever you are doing. Don’t think it will fix itself on the next stroke, stop, readjust and then move forward. However, if a person scoots closer to you, causing your fingers to go deeper, arches their back, moans/groans, or squirms they want you to continue whatever it is that your doing or even increase the intensity. Now is a great time to play with the amount of pressure you use. Try different speeds and depths. Talk to your mate and find out what works best for them and then sit back and watch the fireworks.

#Keepitsexy #Yourresponsibleforyourownorgasm

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Hello! My name is Debra Shade. Clinical Sexologist and Master Sexpert. I specialize in orgasms. As an orgasm coach, I help individuals and couples to overcome barriers to their best sexual experience. It’s fulfilling work. I also travel the US presenting or teaching at expos, seminars, conferences and festivals. I am excited to have this opportunity to write about something that I absolutely love, my new column: Orgasm Tips by D Shade. I want you to know that there are many methods to an orgasm. Having a few in your toolbox will be very beneficial to you and your mate(s). I want to use my column to give you tips, advice and facts about orgasms that will help you achieve your best sexual experience.

The Clit Takes Center Stage: Facts About the Clitoris

By
Debra Shade
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clitoris seamless doodle pattern

In a University of Wisconsin survey, ¼ of penis owners could not find the clitoris on a diagram. Sadly, many clit owners could not identify it either.

Did you know that the nub we can see on the outside, covered by the vaginal lips, is the tip of the rest of the clitoris which can be up to 4 inches long internally? Not for nothing, but this information was found by a vulva owner.

In 1998 the Australian urologist Helen O’Connell and her team found that the clitoris was way more powerful than what previous research reported. It is these internal components that drives the level of sensitivity and pleasure the clit receives and the owner experiences.

The internal clitoris branches from the external clitoris into two legs with a bulbar wishbone shape around the front and sides of the vagina.  It swells with blood during arousal and is very sensitive and can be stimulated through the front wall. This is why grinding feels so good.

The clitoris head is like the penis head, sensitive. You can stimulate the clitoris with your tongue, fingers, vibrator, or penis. Try soft confident touches first and take your cue from the owner.  Sometimes its too sensitive to touch, sometimes a firm stroke is necessary. If your lover is not verbal about their pleasure, you can read their body language to determine what sort of pressure and pace to use.  If they recoil, tense up suddenly, grimace or make a sound that is not pleasurable, it’s important to stop whatever you are doing and try something else. The clit can be painful at certain pressure levels, watch for those negative signs.

Signs to tell if they are enjoying what’s going on include a slow tensing of the arms, legs, and abs, if you notice them holding the tension, ask them to release and breath. This allows for a more intense orgasm. In addition, they will be groaning, moaning, or talking. They will pant and move their hips to receive pleasure exactly where and how they need it.  Pay attention to this language and increase your pace as they proceed through the orgasm.

Stay with them through the end.  Nothing sucks more than a lack luster orgasm. Suck the clitoris between your lips, press upward on the mound to engage the internal clitoris. Make sure the clit stays wet.  Lube can be your best friend.  Dental dams should be used as well.

The vagina is the canal that runs through the vestibule that holds everything in! How and when you get the sensations and pleasures from thrusting, rotating, or the circulating motions of penis, vibrators, dildos and fingers is very individualized. Because the canal has less nerve endings, simple thrusting will probably not bring about a strong orgasm.

A survey reported 64% of vulva owners needed clit play to have a meaningful orgasm.  For me, the most intense orgasms are Gspot orgasms.  This is because it engages the clitoris fully.  Using your fingers or a Gspot stimulator are best for this clit play. Use two of three finger moves that will drive them crazy.

Use your ring and pointer finger.  Keep the rest of your knuckles flat.  Enter the vagina and stay shallow.  Within the first 2-3 inches.  Press up with the pads of your fingers. Use lube, the slickness will add pleasure.  Rotate your fingers with medium pressure after you have had enough foreplay to get them engaged in the act.  Keep rotating your fingers as the tension builds, again, remind them about their breathing.  Breathing is important to intense orgasm.

When they are ready, began to use a second finger motion.  The come hither.  Pull your fingers toward you.  Remember to stay shallow, the Gspot will swell. (This is an area and not a button) The more aroused the person is, the more likely they will ejaculate with their orgasm.  Increase your pace with their pants and gasp and keep it up until they experience what is probably a more intense orgasm, an all over body orgasm that they will remember for quite some time.

All because the clitoris takes center stage.  It brings so much additional pleasure to the table and can be used with penetration or without.  Begin to engage both the external and internal clitoris. Add humping to your foreplay. Be sure to lube your hand to aid with friction and increase your speed as they advance toward orgasm.

As an Orgasm Coach, I love guiding folx through clitoral orgasms.

Why You Should Attend A Cuddle Party

By
Debra Shade
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I love, love, love the energy and healing I get from attending a Cuddle Party.  I hear so many different things about the experience and I can firsthand tell you that the experience you have is up to you.  First, no one is having sex at a Cuddle Party. There are boundaries that are adhered to by all attendees. There are some rules and they are respected. I have never had a negative event, so I am a fan of cuddling.

I want to become a facilitator for Cuddling Parties.  It takes training and there is a foundation that offers a weekend program that includes coaching, CPR, and facilitator skills. I would love to add this to my resume of services that I offer my clients.  A cuddle/puddle is an experience designed to allow people to experience non-sexual, group physical intimacy through cuddling.  Of course, you must ask permission and receive an energetic yes before you touch anyone. You can change your mind at any time. You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.

The environment is cozy, and the pleasure comes from the release of oxytocin! It helps when there is soft music and munchies.  It is necessary to tell you that there should be no intoxicants. The only high should be natural.  You should be clear-minded and open to receiving the energy from the puddle. At the end of the event, there is a closing “ceremony” that includes a conversation of thoughts from the event.  As a facilitator, I love the thought of helping individuals open themselves up from the benefits of Cuddle Parties.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Participants are often in a state of cuddle intoxication at the end. Feeling a sense of connection with the group that they never would have anticipated at the beginning of the event.  Folks are free to exchange hugs, phone numbers and receive thank you’s from the facilitator for making the cuddle party special. I think that could be so fulfilling. So here is what I have experienced at cuddle parties that may sway you to try it. The first thing you do is change into pajamas.

Oh, and clothing matters.  Wear something that is not risqué. Something comfortable not sexy.  Think no lace, no shorts but drawstrings. Bring a pillow or anything that makes you feel safe and comfortable. There was no liquor, and everyone seemed lucid.  There was sparkling cider and water to go with fruit and crackers.  The setup was very calm and inviting. We sat in a circle until we began to connect with others.

We created a welcome circle where we were all welcomed to create the structure and safe space for socializing. We were able to introduce ourselves and we played a get to know you game that allowed me to sync with the environment.  We were taught the cuddle party philosophy. What I saw was participants cuddling in groups, as two and some talked and didn’t cuddle at all.  We were told that we could feel free to be feet against feet, give full-body hugs, head rubs, spooning… it really was up to me to decide what I wanted from the group.  I had the best head rubs! It was relaxing and I must admit, I slept better.

All during the experience, the facilitator participated with us.  Encouraging us to feel relaxed and supported and having a great time. I got oriented to the rules as we moved through a very organized process of exchanging energy and staying in the moment.  I felt comfortable to cuddle in my comfort and I carried on a few great conversations with other participants. Lying down while being held allowed me to fall into my thoughts and feel safe to explore what was heavy on my mind. Some self-reflection so to speak.

As I write this, I am getting excited about being a facilitator. I am that happy with my experiences, I want to offer this to others. Cuddle Parties serve a purpose. As an Orgasm Coach, I believe attending a Cuddle Party will give clients an opportunity to feel something different. To learn something about themselves sexually. To experience something that is pleasurable, but not sexual. is an experience.  Cuddle Parties happen all over, you can invite one into your home by finding a facilitator in your area.  You have got to find a Cuddle Party in your area.  I hope reading this you will find yourself wanting to play.

Workouts to Keep You Sexy & Recharge Your Libido

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by NEOSiAM 2020 from Pexels

Time to Recharge Your Libido

It’s November!

November is the time of year where you feel every wear and tear in your body. Body pain is a huge deterrent to having sex. It is very hard to experience an orgasm when pain is present. When you add to pain, a lack of stamina and or body image issues, you really have a formula for orgasm failure. 

But don’t be discouraged.

There are ways you can still enjoy sex including orgasm. Even as our bodies starts to betray us, we can do things like exercise, lose weight, or practice mediation and tantra to create a sex workout that will keep you on the orgasm train.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to be society’s image of “sexy” or “healthy”. You just have to commit to being your kind of fit, your kind of healthy. When you are the best version of you, you will find yourself being more successful in having fulfilling orgasms.

Workouts to Keep You Sexy

 

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Create a sex workout with the purpose of getting healthy for sex. Having sex uses muscles you rarely use during the day. Thus, you can prepare your body for better sex by building strength, stamina and flexibility with various exercises to improve sexual function.

Upper body strength will build the muscles of the shoulders, triceps, chest and back which are important in positions like missionary if you are the one on top.

Stretching and lengthening your muscles regularly means you will be more likely to move into more challenging positions that require flexibility.

Core power is also important because thrusting comes from your abdominal muscles and lower back. Strong abs girdle your belly, so it won’t flop over and get in the way during sex.

Huffing and puffing is not sexy. Building stamina by doing things like aerobics are ways to maintain rhythm, positions and endurance, which are all crucial to being good in the sac.

A combination of interval and resistance training are great ways get and keep your body orgasm ready.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Your PC Muscle

A very important muscle that all genders need to build and up and maintain is the PC muscle. Known as the Pelvic floor or pubococcygeus muscle, this area supports your bladder and rectum and helps control your urine flow. The PC muscle also plays a very important purpose in the process of having an orgasm. Control over this muscle can strengthen your orgasm regardless of gender. Thus, everyone should be building up their PC muscle.

You probably have already heard about exercises that allows you to flex the PC muscle to build a stronger pelvic floor. For penis born individuals this can lead to the ability to have multiple orgasms. For vulva owners, it helps to produce more intense orgasms. Kegels are also a great exercise post prostate cancer treatment, but they cannot be done if you have a catheter. 

Related: Why Kegel Exercises Can Change a Man’s Sex Life

https://www.sexpert.com/why-kegel-exercises-can-change-a-mans-sex-life/

Your Quick Guide to Kegels

You can do Kegels at any time, anywhere, because unless you make a funny face, no one will know you are tightening your anus and bladder muscles while you sit or stand, except you.

To do a kegel, you simply squeeze as if you are trying to hold in a fart and urine at the same time. Hold for ten seconds and release. Repeat this as often as you can throughout the day.

Make sure to include Kegels in your sexy workout. If you don’t, you may experience a weakening of your pelvic floor which can affect your orgasm. Create a workout plan that allows you to work on strengthening muscles, increasing your stamina with cardio and circuit training, and a daily dose of kegels.

Your orgasms will thank you!

Related: Exercise Your Sex Muscle: Kegels for Powerful Orgasms

https://www.sexpert.com/exercise-your-sex-muscle-kegels-for-more-powerful-orgasms/

Sexercise Your Body

There are many physical, mental and spiritual exercises that you can do to keep yourself in shape to have your best orgasms. Create a workout plan that will support your sex life. Get your partner involved and try some workouts together!

It is never too late to implement a sexy workout plan.

Let’s get sexy! Do it today!

Related: Try Sexycises for Couples

https://www.sexpert.com/partner-boat-pose-sexycises-couples-yoga/

 

 

Erogenous Zones: Hot-Spots that Will Drive Him Wild!

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Daniel Torobekov from Pexels

So, you have performed oral, rode them crazy and handled the penis like a stick shift. What else is there to do? Much!

Adding some fresh, new moves can spruce up what you have tried and tested before. The penis born body has so many erotic points to be explored. These zones cause arousal and extends, expands and enlighten additional methods to orgasm. From the sides and back of the neck, armpits, chest, inner arms and thighs, a tickle, a stroke or a lick uses the sensory of anticipation to create a sexual response. Within sex, you can get to know a person by stimulating their erogenous zones.

Where there is less hair, it is reported to have more sensitivity. You can blindfold or use lube for any action you do on the body. Be mindful that anticipation is the key. Be prepared for any reaction and follow the lead of the person as you go ahead and experiment.

Tease Him

Let me tell you what you can do with the rest of that delicious body. Use your imagination and theirs. Let them have some time to consider your touch before your fingers arrive on their skin. The ultimate tease. Just pretend like you’re sexting and say those things to them in real life. The base of the spine can send tingles throughout the body that can be felt in the toes. You can do temperature play in this area and send them over the edge.

His Mouth

The tips of their fingers have many nerves and respond to even the lightest of touches. Placing your finger or fingers into their mouth and massage the inner jaws, tongue, roof of the mouth, without reaching to far back to cause them to gag. Pull their fingers into your mouth much as you would a penis. Use saliva to create a wetness while rolling your tongue over and around the fingers.

His Armpits

The erogenous zone of the armpits is a very individualized sensitivity experience. If you use intense and suspenseful touches and strokes, you should elicit some arousal. Don’t go too light as to tickle them. The softer skin of the inner arm and the crease that is the mid-arm bend are very sensitive to hand, feet or mouth manipulation. Vigorous kneading and light kisses can induce erection or ejaculation without touching the penis.

Shrimping?

Shrimpin’ anyone? Yes, this is what it’s called when you suck on your partner’s toes. This is so erotic because feet are a nonconventional hotbed of sensation just waiting for some stimulation.

His Bottom

Striking their butt cheek, even lightly, tends to stimulate the whole area. Think of it like a slow vibration flowing through their insides. If your mate is open to a little spank play, this is great to do while they are on top of you in any variation of missionary.

Sloshing

Oil or other wet substances in the sex act is a fetish. Most call it sloshing. Place towels or an additional sheet on the bed/surface and generously pour baby oil on your entire front and their entire body. Use your body to massage theirs.

His Lips

The lips in general are one of the most sensitive parts of the body. Take your time while kissing. There’s a reason why nibbling and variation in pressure can drive you over the edge when done correctly. Keeping the lower lip inside yours, magnifies the sensation. It’ll feel as if electric currents are shooting from your lips straight to their genitals.

His Neck

The Adam’s apple is an erogenous zone, thought behind this stems from how the thyroid is closely linked to the sex organs. The clavicle area and the back of the neck have sensitive nerve endings that can be stroked or licked to arousal. Keep your tongue flat and light, not too much pressure! For all individuals you can massage the area with wide circular motions to ensure you’re hitting that T-spot of the thyroid.

Mmm Nipples!

Nipples are even more sensitive than other body parts since for some, they may not be used to having them touched so often. Touch them, however, and you’ll send shock waves of pleasure radiating throughout the body. Concentrated attention to the nipple may result in an increase of oxytocin and prolactin that causes a significant amount of arousal, specifically in the genitals.

His Earlobes

Playing with the earlobes can send shivers down the spine. Kiss your partner across their shoulder, up the neck, and stopping right before you hit the ear. Do this to both sides. Do these things and you will find yourself giving the best orgasms ever.

Causes of Painful intercourse (or Dyspareunia) & How to Treat Them

By
Debra Shade
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Image by Khusen Rustamov from Pixabay

Happy holidays!  It’s the end of the year already.  The end of a very turbulent year with signs of progress in the sex industry and sex education field.  We are having more conversations about sex.  As a people, we are opening up and becoming more vocal about our own sexual pleasure.  This is good news.  About time.

One of the things that we are not talking a lot about though is the painful parts of sex.  The parts about the physical body that cause pain or discomfort due to any factor that changes the ability to have pleasurable sex.

Painful Intercourse

 

Photo by Nathan Cowley from Pexels

Painful intercourse (or dyspareunia) can be a huge problem that limits your sexual ability and can happen to all genders. This may happen for several reasons, such as an illness, an infection, or a psychological or physical problem. You should also see a doctor to treat any STD that may be the cause of painful intercourse.  While its my belief that you need to abstain from sex whenever you have or have been exposed to an STD, it happens.

Some infections like thrush and cystitis can cause painful sex. Sex may also be uncomfortable because you are not relaxed or aroused enough before going straight to intercourse. It’s important to take the time to figure out what the cause of your issues are.  What could be driving the pain and what can you do to fix it.

For Penis Owners

Image by Shutterstock

In penis owners, painful intercourse can be caused by physical things such as:

  • A prostate, urethra or testes infection caused by genital herpes and chlamydia.
  • An allergic reaction to spermicide in the condom.
  • Bending the penis during an erection can cause fibrous plaques on the upper side of the penis. This is called Peyronie’s disease.
  • Arthritis of the lower back can also cause sex to be painful.

When you find yourself having an allergic reaction to a condom or lube wash it off immediately. If swelling, rash or itching require medical care, see a doctor right away.

For Vulva Owners

Image by Shutterstock

Painful sex in vulva owners can be as simple as not having enough lubrication to having an STD. A lack of foreplay can result in painful sex if the vagina owner does not have enough time to get turned on and produce lubrication. Other causes include a drop in estrogen after menopause, childbirth or during breast-feeding, which may cause painful sex as well. Medications may sometimes affect sexual desire or arousal which can lower the amount of lubrication the vagina produces, resulting in painful sex.

Some of these issues are treatable and some are manageable. If vaginal dryness is due to menopause, ask your primary doctor about estrogen creams or other prescription medications.

Call a doctor if there are symptoms such as bleeding, genital lesions, irregular periods, vaginal discharge, or involuntary vaginal muscle contractions.

STDs That Cause Painful Intercourse

Here are two STDs you should be aware of that can cause pain during sex.

Image by Shutterstock

HERPES

Painful urination and discharge from the genitals are two simple symptoms of Herpes that you should take note of, as early treatment is simple and effective, some in a single dose of antibiotics.  Herpes shows itself 5 to 20 days after exposure. It is good to know these symptoms, when there are visible signs of a virus and pain during sex, it can really throw a cramp in your play.

YEAST INFECTION

Itching and burning, red rash, red glans and vaginal soreness are signs of a yeast infection.  The presence of thick and lumpy discharge with a smell are also signs you may have an infection. Treatment includes antifungal cream 2 times a day, antibiotics and practicing good hygiene. In case of severe cases of phimosis for penis owners, circumcision or a similar surgical procedure may be necessary.

It is important to see your primary health practitioner if you have any physical, psychological or emotional issues concerning painful intercourse including infections, STDs, or disorders to get treatment right away.

Sexual Therapy

For cases of sexual pain in which there is no underlying medical cause, sexual therapy might be helpful. Some individuals may need to resolve issues such as guilt, inner conflicts regarding sex, or feelings regarding past abuse or trauma.

I use a combination of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), talk therapy and physical exercise to address client issues with painful intercourse. It is important that you consider these forms of therapy that can lead you to more pleasurable sex.  Working with me, you can overcome barriers such as holding yourself so tense during intercourse it is painful, to not knowing the best positions to use to avoid pain during sex.

Set up an appointment with me if there are other issues regarding painful sex, that need to be addressed. Debrashade.youcanbook.me

Games You Shouldn’t Play

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels

You’ve beat the odds and have landed a relationship. Chemistry is there, you’re having long conversations and occasionally when you accidentally touch, sparks fly between you. This is the honeymoon phase of a blossoming relationship. It takes work to build a healthy relationship. A lot of times, we put in the wrong work and wreck our relationships before they even have a chance. Some of us may be afraid when the relationship starts to get too serious. Some of us may even self-sabotage the relationship so that they are “shielding” themselves from hurt.

This is a behavior pattern that you can break. You can stop working harder by playing games that cause issues in the relationship. Games lead to wedges that block growth in a relationship. Folks have literally walked away from each other because of their interpretations of the meaning of the games people play. Instead, take deep breaths and practice a form of communication that makes a person feel powerful; physically, and emotionally. Such power drives the attraction that is between you.

If a person is attracted to you physically and emotionally, there is no need to play games, or this could be your last first kiss. Imagine allowing yourself to be happily involved with this individual as time goes on. You must find a way to keep them interested far, far into the future. Don’t be afraid of this… don’t ruin it with games. They should be doing the same thing. Thus, fulfilling your needs.

For example, be strong and tease them, challenge them and be adventurous about what you do together. If they are smart, argue with them a little but not constantly. Banter can be fun and informative. There is a difference between confrontation/disagreement and jest. Instead of coming of as argumentative, you will appear strong and engaging. In the same vein, you must find that perfect balance with tension in the relationship.

Every relationship has some level of tension. The line between healthy tension and relationship strangulation is the feeling you have in your gut when you interact with the person. Never go slack, keep up banter that solicits positive responses. Don’t do things that are slightly annoying just to get a response. You need to balance tension by drawing out a response you want by doing things that indirectly trigger it. Sexual tension requires a balance as well. Sexually you can go in for a kiss, hover over their lips and then stop, smile and pull away. The unfulfilled connection will raise a person’s arousal levels. Keep them sexually interested in you.

Don’t play bored if you’re not. This is not attractive, and the goal is to build up attraction to create a long-lasting relationship. If you are predictable, you will be perceived as boring and quick. Don’t play games about being engaged or active in the relationship. If you want them to think your boring, for whatever reason, don’t be upset to see the relationship end.

This is the same as control.

Being over controlling is never fun. No one wants to be controlled and if you play games at “dominating” or “controlling” them, you may find yourself alone again. Same as agreeing with everything they say. “What ever you want to do baby.” This gets old quick. Individuals enjoy dating people who have opinions, likes and dislikes and they enjoy learning about you. If you’re trying to keep building attraction, you need to speak up and have your own thoughts and dislikes.

Qualities that make you date worthy are confidence, strength, personality traits, and what kind of relationship you are looking for. By playing games you come off completely the opposite and your mate will most likely lose interest. This includes your ability to maintain basic physical fitness and proper grooming. These things add to your physical attractiveness and what you bring to the table.

To create a connection, you also must consider the psychological attractiveness. If you play mind games, you are breaking a connection before it has a chance to grow into something special. For long-term and emotionally intimacy, your focus should not be on trying to get the person to behave how you want them to, you must be open to allowing them to be themselves and bring their true selves to the relationship. Developing psychological attractiveness involves learning the skills to develop rapport through conversations. Conversations that are forward moving and not stagnant because of things that you are doing to throw a monkey wrench into the mix.

Jelqing to Extend Sex & Play for Penis Owners

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Victor from Pexels

Your Sexual Performance

You’re in the best sex session of your life and you begin to lose your stamina and energy. You find yourself breathing heavily to catch your breath and its not pleasure panting. Suddenly, the event is over and your partner is laying there wondering what happened. Finding yourself sitting on the side lines is not surprising if you have low stamina.

You may be experiencing premature ejaculation or some form of erectile dysfunction.

Regardless of the size of the penis, you will be able to provide both vaginal and anal pleasure if you have stamina. Penis health is important when it comes to playing. The healthier your penis, the better your orgasm and the longer you can last and give greater pleasure to your playmates.

So, let’s talk about how to get more stamina!

What is Jelqing?

There are penis exercises that can make you a better lover. You may not know personally but there are many types of penis problems that can lead to softer erections. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are two examples. Studies have shown that there are penis exercises that you can do to create a harder erection. Penis exercises (also called “jelqing”) and help to increase sexual stamina. It can improve orgasms, testosterone, sperm production and the possibility of elongation and girth to your penis. Jelqing is the exercise of stretching the penis which helps make the penis thicker.

There are devices that are effective in making the penis bigger, but you can do this for yourself in the privacy of your home by Jelqing.

Jelqing : Safety First

Be careful as Jelqing can be harmful if you don’t do it right. Just don’t be too aggressive and bruise your penis while you’re doing these exercises. Some say the whole point of Jelqing is to make the penis larger. However, no evidence exist that reflects how successful this practice is at adding length or girth to the penis.

It increases the length of the penis when its flaccid and erect and it makes the erections last longer. Again, it’s safe if you are not squeezing too hard, too often or too aggressively. Worst cases, this kind of damage can permanently affect the ability to get or stay hard. Look for bruising or skin irritation from rubbing. Pay attention to pain or soreness along the shaft and adjust your massage. Use some lube, something to make it nice and slippery so that you create less friction.

The point of Jelqing is to massage gently and move blood throughout your tissues. So, be smart with it. Stop doing it if it is painful or uncomfortable in any way. Try leaning against a wall or table or sit down. It is not recommended to do the exercise more than once a day and you should talk to your doctor if you plan to do them for longer periods of time.

How to do Jelqing

How exactly do you do it? Here’s how you can build up your stamina and hardness.

To begin with, masturbate until you are 2/3 of the way hard, but not a full erection. This is because if you are fully erect, blood is already flowing through the penile tissue filling the tissues with blood.

1. Start by standing with your legs comfortably apart and gently pull the extra skin at the base of the penis when flaccid to stretch the penile ligaments and tissue. This is particularly effective after a warm shower or bath.

2. Put your index finger and thumb in an O shape, like the “okay” hand signal.

3. Place the O-shaped gesture at the base of your penis.

4. Make the O smaller until you put mild pressure on your penis shaft.

5. Slowly move your finger and thumb toward the head of your penis until you reach the tip. Reduce the pressure if this feels painful.

6. Loosen your grip at the tip. It should take you about 3 to 5 seconds from base to tip.

7. Repeat this once per day for about 20 minutes.

To see results, you need to do this exercise, however the results depend on how consistent you jelq and what your technique is. The continuation of this practice is different for everyone. Remember, use lots of lubricant like a coconut oil or boy butter. Three times a week is sufficient, if you experience soreness or bruising, stop doing it immediately as you can fracture the penis.

When your penis is in good health, you don’t have to exert so much energy. The next time you will notice more stamina and that your penis may seem longer and harder. These are perks so get to Jelqing.

 

Dating Tips & The Art of Flirting

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Nancy Nguyen on Unsplash

Hello luvs! Happy holidays to you and yours.

I am so excited to be wrapping up this year on the topic of dating. Dating has morphed into many things over the last year or so and I am hoping you have been keeping up with the flow. Being “beautiful” isn’t enough anymore. Folks are looking for personalities. They are looking to connect with someone who gets them just as they are.

While there are many, many games being played on the dating field, if you can play your way through the mess, you just might find the person(s) you are looking for. Someone who sees you as you are. Sees your personality and how it gels with theirs. So value your strength and intellect. Let this build confidence in your ability to be seen as wanted. See yourself as the prize. When you know your value, you teach others how to value you. This garners respect and attracts people to you. Learn to love and respect yourself so that you can give freely.

Dating Tips …

Relationships require honesty but I’m suggesting you not be totally transparent. Don’t spill your guts or come out the gate with sorrow and grief. You may turn the person off if they are not equipped to handle what your saying. Be yourself, don’t agree with things you disagree with, just don’t be mean about it. Find the balance of sharing what is appropriate at each stage of the dating process.

Listen, you can help your relationship blossom by giving it space to breathe. Maintain your own life. Make them miss you without neglecting them. Letting them know that you are open to dating them gives foundation for the relationship to grow on. Be sure that all parts are growing at the same time. If there is to be a bond, you will need some healthy separation.

Now remember when I wrote about not playing games when it comes to dating. Understand that I know they are going to be playing some games. It is supposedly the way we are supposed to know if someone likes us or not. How fifth grade of us. Play along if the game is not toxic and does not make you step away from the core of you. Its Okay to let them know that you will not tolerate games. This will age the relationship quickly as this period is avoided. When you take games off the table guessing whether the person “likes” you is off the table. There should be mutual sharing and growth. This will give you the motivation you need to continue dating them.

& The Art of Flirting…


Where you want to spend your time while dating is in the art of flirting. You should never stop flirting with your mate(s). Flirting is an extension of your uniqueness. Whether you need to practice it or not, flirting speaks to your personality. Little things like a light touch during the convo would make them think of you sexually. Flirting is based on attraction between parties, but you can learn to flirt properly and keep an air of excitement in the relationship that develops from dating. Pushing and pulling is one of the most effective ways to flirt. It takes a balance of the two for it to work in your favor. The art of teasing is intentionally ruffling their feathers so they can be affected by what you say. A great balance shows your sense of humor and other personality traits that will create attraction.

Dating is like a dance…

Photo by Peter Fitzpatrick on Unsplash

The dating pool is vast. There are a lot of piranhas, but I like to think that there are perfect relationships waiting to develop for those who learn how to date while expressing themselves and their values. Dating is a dance and like dancing it takes practice. You will have a few bites along the way to your perfect situation, however, you need to stay in the pool. Stick to your core and your list of must haves and do the work needed to find your match. Within the conversation be nice and naughty, challenge them and compliment them when needed. Don’t hold back on what feels right because of some outdated thought you have been holding on to.

These thoughts hinder the ability to date successfully. These are called stuck points and these thought patterns can lead to unhealthy dating. Do an emotional check-in with yourself to determine if you can enter the dating pool and once in, can you navigate it to a successful match. Dating works.

HPV, Cervical Cancer and YOU

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

What is HPV: The Human Papillomavirus?

Human Papillomavirus is commonly referred to as HPV. It is a vast group of viruses potentially leading to warts, genital warts and, in worst cases, cancer.

HPVs are the large group of easily transmitted viruses that potentially can cause cancer. However, the infection can also enter someone’s body through any natural fluids or even minor skin cuts. HPV is one of the most spread sexually transmitted diseases, with 40 of these types of viruses being able to be spread via sexual contact.

Most HPV types do not result in any harmful effect on the human body, and goes away in several months, so could remain unnoticed. Sexually active people are more likely to obtain the infection, and more than a half of all people acquire it over the course of their life if not vaccinated. It is estimated that there were 43 million HPV infections in 2018.  This included 13 million new infections.

How to Find Out if You Have it

Health care providers can diagnose genital warts caused by HPV by giving you an exam and looking at the infected area. There is no approved HPV test to find HPV in the mouth or throat. HPV tests are not recommended to screen men, adolescents, or women under the age of 30 years. The problem is most people do not they are infected and never develop symptoms from it.  Genital warts are a sign that you may have HPV.  However, there are HPV tests that can be used to screen for cervical cancer, as well as pap tests for women. An abnormal Pap test may reflect the presence of HPV.

How do You Get HPV?

HPV is a sexually transmitted disease as it is normally transmitted during sexual contact. It can be contracted by performing sexual acts such as oral, vaginal, anal sex and other skin-to-skin contacts.

HPV Prevention

So, how can you avoid HPV and the issues it can cause?

The good news is, there is a vaccine that can prevent you from many forms of the HPV virus. The CDC recommends vaccination of all individuals at age 11 or 12 and everyone through age 26. People older than 26 years should not get vaccinated.  Because most sexually active adults have already been exposed to HPV, it is not necessarily all the HPV types targeted by vaccination. At any age, new sex partners put you at risk for getting a new HPV infection.

Studies show that if you are in a mutually monogamous relationship, you are less likely to get a new infection. There are also simple guidelines that can help you stay clear of the disease, such as using condoms and dental dams, and avoiding skin-on-skin contact during sex. Know that HPV can infect areas not covered by the condom. Thus, they are not 100% effective in preventing HPV. Of course, you can be in a mutually monogamous relationship where your mate is only having sexual contact with you.

Ways to Treat HPV

There is no direct medicine to cure HPV. However, if you have contracted the virus, there are several ways, including surgical, to get rid of the symptoms, such as warts. Serious cases, including cancer, need to have a complex medical approach.

HPV A, E and D typically go away on their own and do not require special treatment. It is difficult to determine the average period of time required for the virus to go away from the body as it is usually unclear when it has been contracted. However, it can take as much as several years for the virus’ symptoms to go away after the moment they have been detected.

HPV and Cancer

Through many studies we know that HPV can cause cervical cancer. Cancer often takes years to develop after a person get the infection. The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause other cancers. Cancer of the vulva, vagina, penis, or anus, the back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils can develop after exposure.

High-risk HPV can cause various cancers including:

  • Cervical cancer
  • Anal cancer
  • Some types of oral and throat cancer
  • Vulvar cancer
  • Vaginal cancer
  • Penile cancer

Cervical Cancer

Cervical cancer is caused by HPV. The virus spreads through sexual contact. To avoid cervical cancer it is important to get a pap test on a regular basis (yearly) after you become sexually active. It usually takes several years for normal cells in the cervix to turn into cancer cells, so regular screenings can catch the abnormal cells before they before cancerous. Be sure to follow your routine for screening, it can help you prevent cervical cancer.

If your pap text comes back as abnormal cells (dysplasia), you may need to follow up with other tests, such as a biopsy. Treatments may include LEEP, radiation therapy, surgery, chemotherapy.

“Loop electrosurgical excision procedure (LEEP) uses a wire loop heated by electric current to remove cells and tissue in a woman’s lower genital tract. It is used as part of the diagnosis and treatment for abnormal or cancerous conditions.”

The American Cancer Society’s estimates for cervical cancer in the United States for 2021 are:

  • About 14,480 new cases of invasive cervical cancer will be diagnosed.
  • About 4,290 women will die from cervical cancer.

Early prevention via pap tests is KEY to early diagnosis, prevention and treatment of cervical cancer!

Conclusion

The sad news is HPV is here to stay.  Because there is no cure, you must take precautions to avoid infection.  Healthcare professionals will say that the only way to avoid such an STD is to abstain from sex.  However, we know that this is not realistic.  Be sure that you are having the status conversation with your mates.  Find out as much as you can about their sexual history.  This will allow you to make an informed decision before you proceed.

And, make sure to get checked for regular yearly screening and pap tests to avoid getting cervical cancer and other sexual infections.

If you need help, contact me.

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