We use muscles when we have sex that we typically don’t use in our day to day lives. If you tend to be huffing and puffing during play (not sexy!), you may want to consider preparing your body for better sex by building stamina. Stamina is necessary for good sex to happen, and bring you through to orgasm.
Often, I am asked about ways to increase stamina that does not involve medicine and folks are surprised when I simply recommend exercise.Yes, exercise is the best way to increase stamina and not some magical pill.
How Does Stamina Help With Sex?
Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels
Stamina helps in maintaining positions, rhythm, and endurance. This requires some resistance and interval training. While core power is needed because thrusting comes from the abs and low back,and strong abs allow you to control your belly, building up your upper body strength is also key. Some positions require you to balance your weight safely and over longer periods of time. Flexibility comes into play as well. Take the time to stretch your muscles regularly to be able to move into various positions with ease.
There are many exercises that you can do to build stamina. You must be consistent with them and you should make sure that you are doing the exercise correctly to receive the full benefit. Always check with your doctor before you start any workout regimen.
Stamina Exercises: Warm Up First!
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Start with a warm up before you get into the meat of a session. A few warm-up exercises include stretching, jumping jacks, side-to-side lunges and moving the lower back.
A great engagement of the entire body is sandbag lunges. Hold the sandbag against your chest with your arms curled around it from the underside. Take one large step. Lower your body into the lunge until the forward leg reaches a 90-degree angle bend. Your back knee should only just hover from the floor. You should feel this stretch. Hold for 30 seconds.
Kegels
Of course, as I am always saying, Kegels are very important when it comes to sex play. They strengthen the pelvic floor and engages your core. You should work you way up to holding a Kegel for up to 15 seconds each time.
Inchworm
For a warmup or an exercise, you can do the inch worm exercise. With this you are standing, you bend at the waist and place your hands on the floor in front of you. Start to walk forward on your hands keeping your feet still. Walk out as far as you can, hold the position for seconds and then walk back to the bending position. This exercise includes your arms, shoulder, and core.
Couples Workout
Make your workout sexy and erotic with your partner(s). Perform exercises together, using each other’s bodies to complete exercises. You may have seen a video by now of sex workouts that are very, very erotic. These sessions bring individuals closer together as multiple senses are be tantalized.
Here are a few exercises that will get your motors running:
Single Leg Lunge
An exercise in which you will be holding your hands crossed and lunging toward each other one at a time is called a single leg lunge. These lunges work your quads, calves, thighs, and butt muscles.
Assisted Ham String Curls
Assisted ham string curls stimulate your large muscles behind the thighs is the lying hamstring curl. You will be sitting on your mates’ hips and lifting their legs up, while they are pushing it down.
Lying Leg Abduction
A lying leg abduction is when one party is lying on the floor with their arms out and the other is kneeling between their legs and stretching the legs apart. This strengthens the inner thigh muscles and the abductors.
Alternate Leg Abduction
An alternate leg abduction is to have one party lie on their side and lift their leg as the partner tries to push the leg back down. This works the outer thigh.
Leg Lifts
Someone lies on the floor with their head between the other’s legs as they are standing. You pull your legs up to their outstretched hands and then lets the leg back down.
The Wheelbarrow
Get in the wheelbarrow position and do a push up as your partner holds your legs at 30-45 degrees.
Couple’s Sit-ups
Have your partner lie on their back and push you away from them and pull them back down in a sit-up. Lie on their back and lay on top of them, lock hands and push down and up. They can also push you away as far as can be safely sustained.
Stamina is Sexy!
Making your workouts sexy will keep you engaged in doing them. Stamina is needed during sexual play, there is no real way around it. Sex works better when you move around and can last long.
Welcome to October! When we begin to bundle up and spend evenings taking long fair-weather walks. A great time of year to get all cozy inside and commit to your orgasm!
As an Orgasm Coach I have guided many to their first or much improved orgasm. I spend a lot of client time on this topic.
The “N”-Word
Photo by Saksham Choudhary from Pexels
I had a shocking thing happen to me last month during a virtual event I hold on the second Saturday monthly called Sexy Talk and Play. I used to meet face to face with individuals who came into a local bar that hosted my talks. With CoVid, I have taken the talks online via Zoom, and last month I had just finished talking about using your fingers to stimulate the Gspot and suddenly I hear the “N”word and “no one wants to fuck you”! My heart began to pound. Many voices began asking questions about fisting and how many fingers to use and calling me N***** in the chat.
It was all that I could do to apologize to my listeners and end my Zoom meeting. The experience shook me. I immediately wondered if it was my topic that they didn’t like or was it The color of my skin?
I shared on FB what had happened during my talk and many people posted that it has happened to them, even sent porn on the kids Zoom classes. This is disturbing! Who can help stop this from happening? People are hacking meetings and doing some very disturbing things. It is sad and unfortunate.
*Tip: when setting up your Zoom meeting, use the waiting room feature and require a password.
How to Give Good Fellatio
It ruined a very good talk on giving and receiving oral sex, where I gave tips on fellatio and how the wetter you keep it, the better it is for the receiver.
Fellatio Tips:
Never perform fellatio as a chore. Your excitement increases their excitement and therefore their orgasm.
Pay attention to the sensitivity of the shaft and head of the penis so that you can have fun with pressure and tongue strokes.
Learn to read the sexual response of your mate to take them on an orgasmic journey.
How to Give Good Cunnilingus
The same can be said about the delivery of cunnilingus.
Tips for Cunnilingus
Use your whole mouth on the entire external vagina.
Use your hand to apply a little pressure on the vulva to stimulate the internal clitoris which makes the external parts more sensitive.
*Note: If the clit gets too sensitive and becomes uncomfortable for your mate, you can use the clitoral hood to create a buffer over the clitoris. If this does not work, stay away from the clitoris or take a break.
When you begin to perform, pay attention to the outer and inner lips. Lick and suck them softly. If wanted, you can nibble on them as well.
Use a stiff tongue to play with the vaginal opening, you can reach many of the nerve endings there. You can use a flat, loose tongue to stroke from the perineum to the tip at the base of the vulva. Add wetness as you do so to increase the friction.
If using dental dam, place lube on the vagina to create the best level of wetness.
As your mate gets more into what you are doing -you will know this because they will squeeze your head with their thighs or press down onto your face- follow through to orgasm.
Unless directed to do so, don’t stop whatever you are doing through the climax, don’t stop to soon. I can’t stress that enough. If you get too excited, you may change your position or pressure causing a disruption in the orgasm.
Moving forward with penetration if wanted will continue the orgasmic journey through multiple orgasms.
Oral Sex Just for Foreplay?
Oral sex is usually done for foreplay. I tell people that foreplay should involve the erogenous zones and oral sex is an act itself. The more you “warm” up your mate to the sexual experience you can provide, the better the results.
Talk to your partner, find out what they know about their pleasure. You shouldn’t force them to be satisfied with what you have always done with others. All vulvas are different and need different stimulation. The same for the penis. If your blowjob is a series of habit, you need to shake it up, listen to your mate and deliver their version of a wonderful orgasm.
In case you haven’t caught on, communication is very important to the orgasm. Instead of treating your mate like a Rubik cube where you take a bunch of complex moves trying to get the colors to match. If you listen to them, and of course, if you share what works to get you to orgasm, then you know you are going to have one. But if you guide someone, they can adjust to enhance what you’re asking for, taking things to the next level for you, giving you your best orgasm… EVER!
Conclusion
I probably won’t be able to think of oral without thinking of being hacked on Zoom for a while! I choose to believe that it wasn’t about the conversation and my skin color was just a part of their hateful joke. Sexuality needs to be discussed. Just to keep it sexy, I am going to talk oral again this month.
Endometriosis is when the uterine inner lining develops outside the uterus. Endometriosis affects your sexual life. Sex can become extremely painful. But let me tell you, you may have to go through hella testing before it is appropriately diagnosed. Delightfully we have a month dedicated to bringing awareness around endometriosis. The pain felt from the disease can be severe, especially during your cycle and sex.
The thicken lining breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle, however the excess tissue has no way to exit the body. It grows and spreads and can affect the ovaries. Scar tissue and adhesions cause pelvic tissue and organs to stick to each other. Untreated, eventually you will experience fertility issues. Because there is limited information about the disease, we do know that doctors are quick to suggest a version of a hysterectomy to rectify the matter.
This is a very common issue among vulva owners. The bladder and intestines can develop complications as well. Treatment is a necessity; it will not go away on its own. Vulva owners between 18 and 35 are most susceptible.
What Are the Signs of Endometriosis?
What signs are you looking for to help you suspect endometriosis? Each of us is different so watch for what you know does not feel right for your body.
Some symptoms include:
Experience painful periods (dysmenorrhea)
Pelvic pain and cramping that begin before and goes several days into your cycle
Lower back and stomach pain
Suddenly start to experience pain during sex
A huge sign is excessive bleeding
Infertility and fertility issues
Other symptoms may include fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating and nausea, especially during menstrual periods.
Sometimes, endometriosis is first diagnosed when you seek treatment for infertility. Many times, vulva owners find it hard to conceive, and this could be because of the thickening of the lining that prevents an egg from uniting with the sperm. Something to keep in mind is that endometriosis is sometimes mistaken for other conditions that can cause pelvic pain, such as pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) or ovarian cysts. It may be confused with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), a condition that causes bouts of diarrhea, constipation, and abdominal cramping.
When to Seek Treatment
So, when should you see a doctor? Immediately, when you feel that your cycle is not ‘right”, and pain is severe enough to disrupt your daily activities. The sooner you seek a doctor’s care, the better your chances of beating the disease. An early diagnosis by a multidisciplinary medical team will result in great management of your symptoms and to develop a game plan to treat the disease.
What Causes Endometriosis?
You may be thinking what causes endometriosis? While it is not certain, there are a few explanations such as retrograde menstruation. This is when menstrual blood flows back through the fallopian tubes and into the pelvic cavity. Transformation of peritoneal cells suggest that hormones or immune factor’s promote transformation of peritoneal cells that line the inner side of the abdomen. The transformation of embryonic cells such as estrogen may transform embryonic cells into endometrial like cells during puberty. After a surgery, surgical scar implantation can cause cells to attach to the surgical incision. The lymphatic system may transport endometrial cells to other parts of the body known as endometrial cell transport.
Other Risk Factors
Finally, an immune system disorder may make the body unable to recognize and destroy endometrial like tissue that grows outside the uterus. Bear with me as I list risk factors. If you know them, you can better manage your health.
Things like:
Never giving birth
Going through menopause at an older age
Short menstrual cycles
Starting your cycle at an early age
Heavy cycles that last longer than 7 days
Having higher levels of estrogen in your body
Low body mass index
And even having one or more relatives with endometriosis can be a risk factor for you.
Any medical condition that prevents the normal passage of your flow out of the body and lastly any reproductive tract abnormalities are all risk factors.
What Happens If I Go Untreated?
The dreaded diagnosis of cancer is a possibility if you leave endometriosis untreated. Ovarian cancer does occur at higher than expected rates in those with endometriosis. The more you know, the better.
Use this month to find out more about endometriosis. As a vulva owner, you should do what you can to protect yourself, as early detection can let you take control of this health issue that affects your sexual health.
You’re in the best sex session of your life and you begin to lose your stamina and energy. You find yourself breathing heavily to catch your breath and its not pleasure panting. Suddenly, the event is over and your partner is laying there wondering what happened. Finding yourself sitting on the side lines is not surprising if you have low stamina.
You may be experiencing premature ejaculation or some form of erectile dysfunction.
Regardless of the size of the penis, you will be able to provide both vaginal and anal pleasure if you have stamina. Penis health is important when it comes to playing. The healthier your penis, the better your orgasm and the longer you can last and give greater pleasure to your playmates.
So, let’s talk about how to get more stamina!
What is Jelqing?
There are penis exercises that can make you a better lover. You may not know personally but there are many types of penis problems that can lead to softer erections. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are two examples. Studies have shown that there are penis exercises that you can do to create a harder erection. Penis exercises (also called “jelqing”) and help to increase sexual stamina. It can improve orgasms, testosterone, sperm production and the possibility of elongation and girth to your penis. Jelqing is the exercise of stretching the penis which helps make the penis thicker.
There are devices that are effective in making the penis bigger, but you can do this for yourself in the privacy of your home by Jelqing.
Jelqing : Safety First
Be careful as Jelqing can be harmful if you don’t do it right. Just don’t be too aggressive and bruise your penis while you’re doing these exercises. Some say the whole point of Jelqing is to make the penis larger. However, no evidence exist that reflects how successful this practice is at adding length or girth to the penis.
It increases the length of the penis when its flaccid and erect and it makes the erections last longer. Again, it’s safe if you are not squeezing too hard, too often or too aggressively. Worst cases, this kind of damage can permanently affect the ability to get or stay hard. Look for bruising or skin irritation from rubbing. Pay attention to pain or soreness along the shaft and adjust your massage. Use some lube, something to make it nice and slippery so that you create less friction.
The point of Jelqing is to massage gently and move blood throughout your tissues. So, be smart with it. Stop doing it if it is painful or uncomfortable in any way. Try leaning against a wall or table or sit down. It is not recommended to do the exercise more than once a day and you should talk to your doctor if you plan to do them for longer periods of time.
How to do Jelqing
How exactly do you do it? Here’s how you can build up your stamina and hardness.
To begin with, masturbate until you are 2/3 of the way hard, but not a full erection. This is because if you are fully erect, blood is already flowing through the penile tissue filling the tissues with blood.
1. Start by standing with your legs comfortably apart and gently pull the extra skin at the base of the penis when flaccid to stretch the penile ligaments and tissue. This is particularly effective after a warm shower or bath.
2. Put your index finger and thumb in an O shape, like the “okay” hand signal.
3. Place the O-shaped gesture at the base of your penis.
4. Make the O smaller until you put mild pressure on your penis shaft.
5. Slowly move your finger and thumb toward the head of your penis until you reach the tip. Reduce the pressure if this feels painful.
6. Loosen your grip at the tip. It should take you about 3 to 5 seconds from base to tip.
7. Repeat this once per day for about 20 minutes.
To see results, you need to do this exercise, however the results depend on how consistent you jelq and what your technique is. The continuation of this practice is different for everyone. Remember, use lots of lubricant like a coconut oil or boy butter. Three times a week is sufficient, if you experience soreness or bruising, stop doing it immediately as you can fracture the penis.
When your penis is in good health, you don’t have to exert so much energy. The next time you will notice more stamina and that your penis may seem longer and harder. These are perks so get to Jelqing.
Let’s talk about an orgasm brought on by vaginal stimulation with fingers. This can result in intense and/or multiple orgasm, and for some, ejaculation. The best method to please a vulva born individual is to experiment with finger manipulation. Up to 75% of vulva owners state that they do not orgasm from penetration alone. This means, that figuring out how to use your fingers to provide a mind-blowing vaginal orgasm is a must.
Fingering the G-spot
The best part about fingering though, is the direct contact made with the G-spot. Which by the way is not a “spot” or “button”, it’s an area at the top frontal wall of the vagina. This area happens to rest between the clitoral legs (inside the vagina) and is super sensitive. It is only 2-3 inches deep, which means that your penetration needs to be very shallow.
If you are masturbating and feel the pleasures of stimulating the Gspot but are not achieving ejaculation, you may be a little too far inside and are missing the spot entirely. Manual stimulation directly on this area will increase your chances of ejaculating.
Different Types of Finger Stimulation or Fingering:
The benefits of using your fingers is that you can curl them. There are three very popular finger movements that can bring on the thunder.
Image by Demie Hadji from Pixabay
The Two-Fingered Salute: Keeping your pointer and middle finger together and keeping them flat, use the padding of the finger tips to stroke with. Move forward and backward and side to side over the area. Use light to medium pressure depending on the person.
Come Hither: When your mate gets really aroused and is displaying all the signs of needing more stimulation switch to the second finger movement; the “come hither”. Curl your fingers toward you as if you are telling someone to come to you. Do so with a little more pressure and work your speed up with your mates breathing and body movements. Do not stop what you are doing until they orgasm, which may include ejaculate.
shutterstock
Spidey Fingers: What are spidey (or spiderman) fingers? This is the act of positioning your hand to look like spiderman when he is shooting his webs. The two middle fingers go into the vagina, with the two end fingers sticking out. The thumb can also be used to stimulate the clitoris in this position.
How to Finger the Vagina
So, insert your lubed fingers into the vagina slow and carefully. Many individuals cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation so be sure to include that once you have them fully aroused. Also be mindful that some folks find that clit stimulation is too intense. If this is the case, lick and suck over the clitoral hood to create a “buffer” from direct stimulation. You can use your thumb or your mouth to tease and maneuver the clit. Once your fingers are in, explore. Stroke the sides of the wall. The roof and the deep spot are very sensitive.
What is the Deep Spot?
copyright Dominadoll
Deep inside the vagina is an area know as the A spot (anterior fornix) which you can stroke with your fingers to bring about an orgasm. This can be an intense, all over body orgasm if one allows themselves to relax into the sensations. Right below the Aspot you can find the cervix. It is firm to the touch so be careful not to jam it. However, some vulva owners enjoying having their cervix stimulated. Be sure to use lots of lube for cervical play.
The last area I want to mention is the deep spot. I like to call it the cul-de-sac because you can only go so far with your fingers. That area that is as far and deep in the vagina that you can go to bring on an orgasm. It is also known to cause ejaculate as well.
Manipulating the cul-de-sac should be with medium pressure that you can increase as you press down deeper. You are also manipulating the anal wall from the inside, which increases pleasure. It is not a position where you will be able to do the come-hither motion. Bouncing is more appropriate (stroke up and down quickly), staying close to the back wall for the full effect. Again, don’t stop until the orgasm is over.
Many Types of Fingering Orgasms
The cool thing about fingering is that you have a lot of control over what sort of orgasm you can provide. If you want a more intimate, love making experience, do it slow and steady. The intensity of your finger motion should be determined by the receiver. Never behave aggressive unless asked to do so. Be intentional with where you place your fingers and how much pressure you use when touching the vagina. Be sure to keep your knuckles as flat as possible so that you are not bruising the soft tissue of the vulva.
Body Language Baby
Let’s say you are with someone who is not too verbal in expressing their needs, recognizing some common body language can guide you both to their orgasm.
Image by Saulius Rozanas from Pixabay
Any sort of flinching means; stop whatever you are doing. Don’t think it will fix itself on the next stroke, stop, readjust and then move forward. However, if a person scoots closer to you, causing your fingers to go deeper, arches their back, moans/groans, or squirms they want you to continue whatever it is that your doing or even increase the intensity. Now is a great time to play with the amount of pressure you use. Try different speeds and depths. Talk to your mate and find out what works best for them and then sit back and watch the fireworks.
#Keepitsexy #Yourresponsibleforyourownorgasm
+++
Hello! My name is Debra Shade. Clinical Sexologist and Master Sexpert. I specialize in orgasms. As an orgasm coach, I help individuals and couples to overcome barriers to their best sexual experience. It’s fulfilling work. I also travel the US presenting or teaching at expos, seminars, conferences and festivals. I am excited to have this opportunity to write about something that I absolutely love, my new column: Orgasm Tips by D Shade. I want you to know that there are many methods to an orgasm. Having a few in your toolbox will be very beneficial to you and your mate(s). I want to use my column to give you tips, advice and facts about orgasms that will help you achieve your best sexual experience.
Your orgasm is created. Before you set this aside because you know how to create an orgasm, give this article two minutes. Two minutes to find out why you are having unfilled sexual experiences with every lover. If you know just this little bit about getting yourself and them to that marvelous orgasm, you must know the phases of creation.
Physical and emotional changes occur as a person becomes sexually aroused and participates in sexually stimulating activities, including intercourse and masturbation. The sexual response cyclehas four phases:
desire (libido)
arousal (excitement)
orgasm (release)
resolution (come down)
Most bodies experience these phases, the timing usually is different, and while it is unlikely to happen without putting in the work, both partners may reach orgasm at the same time.
In addition, the intensity of pleasure along the response cycle and the time spent in each phase varies from person to person. Understanding these differences may help partners better understand one another’s bodies and reactions to enhance the sexual experience. Understanding the sexual response cycle can give you a framework for a better understanding of how you go from zero to orgasm every time.
If, for example, you know that you need to be aroused longer than your partner does to orgasm, you’ll want to begin building arousing earlier.
The Anticipation phase is the point of time when you want to be touched but haven’t started yet.
The Excitement phase is far more active than the anticipation phase. In the excitement phase, you are building arousal.
The higher the arousal level for an individual, the more intense the release is going to be. Go from a very still, tired, or smug resolution to a full body thrashing, screaming, growling, grunting super wet, and fully intense release.
Get tips on the six internal and six external vulva orgasms and the pleasure of anal and the sought-after dry ejaculation for penis owners in Climax: The Power of Great Sex. Written for you my orgasmic friend!! This heightened orgasm and all its pleasure is steeped in that perfect storm of hormones that I am always talking about. Serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine collaborate to induce physical signs you can watch for in your mate to continue the pleasure stimulation. There is a slew of activities you can implement for the stimulation of a person. The point is to drive them to the point of grunting and sweating by reading their body.
This is not something that is going to take place in a few seconds, if you have the time, build arousal until they are begging for more of whatever stimulation you have going on. Look and listen for an increased heart rate and flushed skin. Check to see if their breathing is faster and if their nipples are hardened. We all have nipples! The increased blood flow will swell the labia and cause the clitoris to become engorged. The penis erection is fully noticeable and may have pre-cum at the urethra opening.
The phase that happens next is necessary for sustained pleasure. The Plateau is putting your experience on ten! The physical signs you had during the excitement phase are so elevated the person begins to lose contact with being “proper”, “shy”, and “nervous” all the things on the orgasm plate that prevent a person from staying present in pleasure. The pleasurable distraction includes you being all in at that moment.
The orgasm itself is accompanied by a series of physical reactions on its own. The person is having involuntary muscle tension and contractions. Please encourage them to breathe and pull in long breaths of air and push it out while the tension relaxes. Ask them to breathe in less and out faster and finally, they should be breathing in and out so quickly it’s panting. This is what you want to be looking for.
Total relaxation and sexual movement are involuntary and should receive no shame. Is the person moaning, groaning, or making any signs of pleasure vocally? This is a great time to lean into the person, oxytocin is boiling inside, the sense of closeness will be elevated, and dopamine is fueling the fire of passion and creating an even higher heart rate, faster breathing, and feverish squirming.
Resolution is the comedown after the big release when your muscles relax, and your body is flooded with the perfect storm of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Rest in it. Allow your body to accept the flow of hormones and chemicals that are left from the arousal telling your body that all is well, and you can lay in the aftermath until your breathing returns to normal. So let me wrap this back around to you. Take note, this info is going to raise your game and your own orgasm. Yup, you can use it when masturbating as well.
Phase 1: Excitement
General characteristics of the excitement phase, which can last from a few minutes to several hours, include muscle tension. The heart rate quickens and breathing accelerates, the skin may become flushed (blotches of redness appear on the chest and back). Nipples become hardened or erect, and blood flow to the genitals increases, resulting in swelling of the vulva owner’s clitoris and labia minora (inner lips), and erection of the penis owner’s penis. Vaginal lubrication begins, the vulva owner’s breasts become fuller and the vaginal walls begin to swell and lubricate. The penis owner’s testicles swell, their scrotum tightens and begins secreting a lubricating liquid.
Phase 2: Plateau
General characteristics of the plateau phase, which extends to the brink of orgasm, include the changes begun in phase one are intensified. The vagina continues to swell from increased blood flow, and the vaginal walls turn a dark purple. The vulva owner’s clitoris becomes highly sensitive (may even be painful to touch) and retracts under the clitoral hood to avoid direct stimulation from the penis.
The penis owner’s testicles tighten. Breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure continue to increase. Muscle spasms may begin in the feet, face, and hands. Muscle tension increases, be completely open to pleasure.
Ah, the grand finale – the orgasm! This is the peak of the pleasure rollercoaster, and boy, is it different for everyone! From a lightning-fast flash to a decadent twenty-minute show, orgasms come in all shapes and sizes.
Get ready for some involuntary muscle magic – your body’s about to start doing its thing. Your blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing hit peak performance levels as if you’re competing in an Olympic sprint.
Ever noticed your feet doing a little dance? Yep, that’s part of the show too. Cue the fireworks! There’s a sudden, explosive release of all that built-up sexual tension. For vulva owners, it’s all about those rhythmic contractions in the vagina and uterus – talk about a workout!
Meanwhile, penis owners experience their own fireworks display, with rhythmic contractions leading to ejaculation. And hey, don’t be surprised if you notice a lovely “sex flush” – a rosy rash that may grace your entire body. It’s all part of the fun!
Phase 4: Resolution
During resolution, the body slowly returns to its normal level of functioning and the swollen and erect body parts return to their previous size and color. This phase is marked by a general sense of well-being, enhanced intimacy, and, often, a strong sense of fatigue.
Some vulva owners are capable of a rapid return to the orgasm phase with further sexual stimulation and may experience multiple orgasms. Penis owners need recovery time after orgasm, called a refractory period, during which they cannot reach orgasm again. Some can react from an energetic stimulation that will cause the feeling of an intense orgasm through the penis owner’s body but there will be no ejaculate. This takes practice but can be done.
The duration of the refractory period varies among penis owners and usually lengthens with advancing age. Another model has added the emotion you feel to even want to have sex. Desire. Desire refers to the emotional state of, well, desiring sex! This phase isn’t associated with any physical reaction, but it is with emotional ones!
Does everyone follow this response cycle? Nope! Everyone’s pleasure journey is unique, and sometimes it might take more effort to reach the finish line. But fear not – with a little work and determination, overcoming barriers and reaching orgasm is totally achievable!
If you’re aiming to reach the finish line but come up short, frustration might creep in. Ever heard of that feeling of pelvic congestion or heaviness? Yep, it’s like that! Penis owners sometimes call it “blue balls,” but guess what? It’s not exclusive to them – anyone can feel it, no matter their anatomy.
The good news? This uncomfortable sensation typically fades away once blood flow in the area goes back to its usual levels, usually within 30 to 60 minutes. So, hang in there – relief is on its way! In fact, some know this as orgasm control or orgasm denial, edging is a sexy way to intentionally explore delaying The Big Finish or keeping it from happening altogether. This kind of kinky play, however, isn’t something you decide to explore mid-action. Rather, it’s something you talk about and plan. So, if you’re in the middle of a partnered sex session and not having an orgasm, it’s probably not because your partner is edging you.
As a Clinical Sexologist, I want to assure you that experiencing difficulty in reaching climax is more common than you may think. Research suggests that anywhere from 5 to 40 percent of individuals encounter challenges in achieving orgasm. However, it’s important to note that this becomes a medical concern only when it causes significant distress or disruption in your life.
If you’re finding yourself struggling in this area, know that you’re not alone, and I’m here to offer support and guidance on your journey to pleasure. Whether the barriers are physical, psychological, or emotional, I’m dedicated to working alongside you to address and overcome them.
Sometimes, difficulty reaching orgasm can be linked to underlying factors such as hormone imbalances or the side effects of medications you may be taking. By identifying and addressing these root causes, we can work towards enhancing your sexual well-being and satisfaction.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to me – it would be my honor to assist you in navigating this aspect of your sexual health and empowering you to experience the pleasure and fulfillment you deserve.
The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.
Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk
The Difference Between Sex and Gender
There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.
What is Intersex?
Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.
Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels
What is Gender versus Gender Identity?
Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.
Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.
What is Transgender?
The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.
How to Ask About People’s Pronouns
So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!
LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns
So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.
Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.
Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.
Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.
Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.
The same can be said about the delivery of cunnilingus.
Oral sex is usually done for foreplay. I tell people that foreplay should involve the erogenous zones and oral sex is an act itself. The more you “warm” up your mate to the sexual experience you can provide, the better the results.
