Sunday, March 23, 2025
Home Sex Advice Orgasm Tips by D Shade

Orgasm Tips by D Shade

Most popular

Labels Beyond Gay and Straight

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Tim Samuel from Pexels

Defining Sexuality

The way we define our sexuality is as unique as the way we define ourselves, and the key is to understand what all the various terms mean. What if you didn’t have the word “straight” in your vocabulary. What if the terms heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, et cetera, did not exist? One less topic of division and judgement. How different would you behave? We can all play a part in getting to a space where orientation, expression and presentation isn’t a trigger for anyone.

Photo by spl.ids.ag.uk

The Difference Between Sex and Gender

There’s a lot of information out there about sex and gender. And by sex, I don’t mean the various activities that could make up the act of sex. I mean the biological differences between males and females and the fact that gender is not the same thing. As a result, sex and gender are often confusing subjects for many. Sex refers to a person’s biological characteristics. While most people determine sex based on external genitalia, it also involves hormone ratios, chromosomal makeup and more. In other words, sex may not be as simple as you assume.

What is Intersex?

Since medical professionals often rely on external observations instead of internalized medicine or tests to assign sex categories, designated female at birth or assigned male at birth. The use of “intersex” is to designate individuals who, at birth, may not physically match the expected norms of male and female. Intersex individuals are as common as red heads. These assignments are based on a visual presence of a penis, clitoris, or a version of both.

Photo by Luan Lustosa from Pexels

What is Gender versus Gender Identity?

Gender, in contrast, is often used in reference to at least three factors: presentation, social roles and identity. If someone assigned as female at birth likes pink, for example, we associate pink as a “feminine” color and thus socially appropriate. If someone assigned as male likes pink, that individual may be bullied for liking a color associated with what the culture deems feminine. In this way, a person can use norms to present their gender to the world.

Gender identity, however, is invisible. It is the person’s idea of themselves. While it may be influenced by the society around them, it is often tested by questions like, “If there was no judgement, what would you want to look like?” Gender identity does not have to fit the presentation, social norms, or even the expectations of the person’s body. Someone can identify as a mix of genders, such as bigender, or feel they move between genders, such as gender fluid. They could even identify as having no gender at all, such as agender.

 

What is Transgender?

The term transgender, which is an adjective, is often used as an umbrella term to refer to people whose sex does not line up with their presentation and identity (among other characteristics, but naming just the two to help you get a basic understanding). For people whose sex, presentation, and identity line up, the term is cisgender. So, if you were born with a vulva and vagina, have always felt you were a girl or woman, and present yourself as such to society, you are considered a cis woman.

How to Ask About People’s Pronouns

So, although it may be human nature to be curious, being respectful means respecting people’s privacy. Do not ask people about their status or whether they plan to have surgery. Asking about their pronouns is OK. Also, give basic dignity and respect. If someone introduces themselves to you and says their name is Paula, but you had heard their name was Paul, this person is telling you their name is Paula. Just go with it. The only person who has the power to label you, is YOU!

LGBTQIA* Terms & Pronouns

So, let me share some general information about several terms the LGBTQIA* community uses which will make you a great ally. For starters, a binary system is something made up of two opposing parts. Gender (man/woman) and sex (male/female) are examples of binary systems.

Bisexual: A term that describes someone who is attracted to both men and women, or to more than one gender identity.

Gay: It is common for “gay” to be used by anyone who is attracted to their same sex or gender.


Gender Expression: How we express our gender identity on the outside.

Gender Identity: Our internal, personal sense of what our gender is. Everyone has a gender identity. You should also know the pronouns that can be used based on preference. They, Them, Theirs. He, Him, His. She, Her, Hers, Z. e, Hir, Hirs. Xe, Xem, Xyrs. Nothing. Yes, not choosing a pronoun is OK too.

Why You Should Attend A Cuddle Party

By
Debra Shade
-

I love, love, love the energy and healing I get from attending a Cuddle Party.  I hear so many different things about the experience and I can firsthand tell you that the experience you have is up to you.  First, no one is having sex at a Cuddle Party. There are boundaries that are adhered to by all attendees. There are some rules and they are respected. I have never had a negative event, so I am a fan of cuddling.

I want to become a facilitator for Cuddling Parties.  It takes training and there is a foundation that offers a weekend program that includes coaching, CPR, and facilitator skills. I would love to add this to my resume of services that I offer my clients.  A cuddle/puddle is an experience designed to allow people to experience non-sexual, group physical intimacy through cuddling.  Of course, you must ask permission and receive an energetic yes before you touch anyone. You can change your mind at any time. You don’t have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.

The environment is cozy, and the pleasure comes from the release of oxytocin! It helps when there is soft music and munchies.  It is necessary to tell you that there should be no intoxicants. The only high should be natural.  You should be clear-minded and open to receiving the energy from the puddle. At the end of the event, there is a closing “ceremony” that includes a conversation of thoughts from the event.  As a facilitator, I love the thought of helping individuals open themselves up from the benefits of Cuddle Parties.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Participants are often in a state of cuddle intoxication at the end. Feeling a sense of connection with the group that they never would have anticipated at the beginning of the event.  Folks are free to exchange hugs, phone numbers and receive thank you’s from the facilitator for making the cuddle party special. I think that could be so fulfilling. So here is what I have experienced at cuddle parties that may sway you to try it. The first thing you do is change into pajamas.

Oh, and clothing matters.  Wear something that is not risqué. Something comfortable not sexy.  Think no lace, no shorts but drawstrings. Bring a pillow or anything that makes you feel safe and comfortable. There was no liquor, and everyone seemed lucid.  There was sparkling cider and water to go with fruit and crackers.  The setup was very calm and inviting. We sat in a circle until we began to connect with others.

We created a welcome circle where we were all welcomed to create the structure and safe space for socializing. We were able to introduce ourselves and we played a get to know you game that allowed me to sync with the environment.  We were taught the cuddle party philosophy. What I saw was participants cuddling in groups, as two and some talked and didn’t cuddle at all.  We were told that we could feel free to be feet against feet, give full-body hugs, head rubs, spooning… it really was up to me to decide what I wanted from the group.  I had the best head rubs! It was relaxing and I must admit, I slept better.

All during the experience, the facilitator participated with us.  Encouraging us to feel relaxed and supported and having a great time. I got oriented to the rules as we moved through a very organized process of exchanging energy and staying in the moment.  I felt comfortable to cuddle in my comfort and I carried on a few great conversations with other participants. Lying down while being held allowed me to fall into my thoughts and feel safe to explore what was heavy on my mind. Some self-reflection so to speak.

As I write this, I am getting excited about being a facilitator. I am that happy with my experiences, I want to offer this to others. Cuddle Parties serve a purpose. As an Orgasm Coach, I believe attending a Cuddle Party will give clients an opportunity to feel something different. To learn something about themselves sexually. To experience something that is pleasurable, but not sexual. is an experience.  Cuddle Parties happen all over, you can invite one into your home by finding a facilitator in your area.  You have got to find a Cuddle Party in your area.  I hope reading this you will find yourself wanting to play.

Jelqing to Extend Sex & Play for Penis Owners

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Victor from Pexels

Your Sexual Performance

You’re in the best sex session of your life and you begin to lose your stamina and energy. You find yourself breathing heavily to catch your breath and its not pleasure panting. Suddenly, the event is over and your partner is laying there wondering what happened. Finding yourself sitting on the side lines is not surprising if you have low stamina.

You may be experiencing premature ejaculation or some form of erectile dysfunction.

Regardless of the size of the penis, you will be able to provide both vaginal and anal pleasure if you have stamina. Penis health is important when it comes to playing. The healthier your penis, the better your orgasm and the longer you can last and give greater pleasure to your playmates.

So, let’s talk about how to get more stamina!

What is Jelqing?

There are penis exercises that can make you a better lover. You may not know personally but there are many types of penis problems that can lead to softer erections. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are two examples. Studies have shown that there are penis exercises that you can do to create a harder erection. Penis exercises (also called “jelqing”) and help to increase sexual stamina. It can improve orgasms, testosterone, sperm production and the possibility of elongation and girth to your penis. Jelqing is the exercise of stretching the penis which helps make the penis thicker.

There are devices that are effective in making the penis bigger, but you can do this for yourself in the privacy of your home by Jelqing.

Jelqing : Safety First

Be careful as Jelqing can be harmful if you don’t do it right. Just don’t be too aggressive and bruise your penis while you’re doing these exercises. Some say the whole point of Jelqing is to make the penis larger. However, no evidence exist that reflects how successful this practice is at adding length or girth to the penis.

It increases the length of the penis when its flaccid and erect and it makes the erections last longer. Again, it’s safe if you are not squeezing too hard, too often or too aggressively. Worst cases, this kind of damage can permanently affect the ability to get or stay hard. Look for bruising or skin irritation from rubbing. Pay attention to pain or soreness along the shaft and adjust your massage. Use some lube, something to make it nice and slippery so that you create less friction.

The point of Jelqing is to massage gently and move blood throughout your tissues. So, be smart with it. Stop doing it if it is painful or uncomfortable in any way. Try leaning against a wall or table or sit down. It is not recommended to do the exercise more than once a day and you should talk to your doctor if you plan to do them for longer periods of time.

How to do Jelqing

How exactly do you do it? Here’s how you can build up your stamina and hardness.

To begin with, masturbate until you are 2/3 of the way hard, but not a full erection. This is because if you are fully erect, blood is already flowing through the penile tissue filling the tissues with blood.

1. Start by standing with your legs comfortably apart and gently pull the extra skin at the base of the penis when flaccid to stretch the penile ligaments and tissue. This is particularly effective after a warm shower or bath.

2. Put your index finger and thumb in an O shape, like the “okay” hand signal.

3. Place the O-shaped gesture at the base of your penis.

4. Make the O smaller until you put mild pressure on your penis shaft.

5. Slowly move your finger and thumb toward the head of your penis until you reach the tip. Reduce the pressure if this feels painful.

6. Loosen your grip at the tip. It should take you about 3 to 5 seconds from base to tip.

7. Repeat this once per day for about 20 minutes.

To see results, you need to do this exercise, however the results depend on how consistent you jelq and what your technique is. The continuation of this practice is different for everyone. Remember, use lots of lubricant like a coconut oil or boy butter. Three times a week is sufficient, if you experience soreness or bruising, stop doing it immediately as you can fracture the penis.

When your penis is in good health, you don’t have to exert so much energy. The next time you will notice more stamina and that your penis may seem longer and harder. These are perks so get to Jelqing.

 

Approaching Dating During Quarantine

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Dating changed drastically during the quarantine.  We went from thinking only the creepers where online to setting up several dating accounts.  We are forced to be lonely or try our hand at love online.  We had to let guards and pieces of us go in order to relax and be entertained by the prospects available via any of a zillion social sites.  How do you get someone to pursue you and explore relationship options?

1. Confidence is key.  See yourself as the prize and realize that the person who is chasing you sees your intellect, strength, and your beauty. While its important to note that the chaser needs to have some sort of response from you to be encouraged to pursue if you wish.  So, give validation, emotional support, and compliments to let the person know you are open to dating.

People are turned on by confident people.  You must let them know you are interested without spilling your guts.  Don’t agree with everything they say, but don’t be mean either.  Be your true self and know that lots of folks are turned on by someone who is naturally themselves. Realize you can build a healthy solid relationship with everyone being their authentic selves.

2. Attraction is a process. Attraction is the chemistry that motivates us to be with another person. Usually, it is a visual attraction and then physical when you meet the person. But here we are, with Covid we are not getting the physical attraction part. Keep challenging your chaser by keeping them interested in the future they may see with you. Remember that just because they start doing things that hint, they are interested, doesn’t mean that its time for you to stop attracting the person. Keep the hunt up.

3. Be Sexy. Confidence, strength, and personality of our own traits make up what kind of relationship you would be looking for. Try looking “sexy”, whatever that looks like for you. The right outfit can flatter and display our attractive features just as highlighting features and physiques play roles in our search for a partner. The summation of confidence is that you should not be predictable or boring.  Be in control without being controlling.  Many will find that you are more attractive when you are easy to get along with and are confident in yourself. Just know, your personality, strength, confidence, and traits become those things that you must put on display to open yourself to meeting people to date.

4. Personality. In dating considerations include psychological attractiveness such as pleasant and cheerful personalities. A great personality will bring out the best in others. Be careful not to over focus on personality alone, however.  This often results in a deep friendship without a sexual spark.  Thus, changing the trajectory of the relationship. You basically need to find your own style of attraction.  We are all different and the great news is, none of us are perfect so we are all developing our dating wants as we go. Do what is natural to you, then work on other traits and skills that help you establish the kinds of relationships you really want.

5. Be Engaged but Aloof. Find that balance of being engaged and aloof, be engaged in conversation and let them know you.  You should want them as well.  Understand the difference between wanting someone and needing someone.  Don’t try to trap a person into a relationship.  Be cautious about when you profess your love for the person.  The other thing to note when talking about confidence and sexiness in getting someone to chase you, is letting them ask you about other people.  This will let you know their level of interest and allows you to prioritize the relationship and its growth.  Just as you will play games, they will too, it will be their way of making sure you are worth the chase.

6. Time. Another change to the dating game is the amount of time you have now to chat with this person and to do it virtually! Some ideas that I can share are virtually taking them with you for tea, watch a television show together or share your hobby with them.

7. Get Over Your Fears. Virtual dating requires you to overcome any fears you have about being on camera, utilize uploaded images or stock images for your background.

Online dating has become the new normal. So go for it!

Games You Shouldn’t Play

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Jonathan Borba from Pexels

You’ve beat the odds and have landed a relationship. Chemistry is there, you’re having long conversations and occasionally when you accidentally touch, sparks fly between you. This is the honeymoon phase of a blossoming relationship. It takes work to build a healthy relationship. A lot of times, we put in the wrong work and wreck our relationships before they even have a chance. Some of us may be afraid when the relationship starts to get too serious. Some of us may even self-sabotage the relationship so that they are “shielding” themselves from hurt.

This is a behavior pattern that you can break. You can stop working harder by playing games that cause issues in the relationship. Games lead to wedges that block growth in a relationship. Folks have literally walked away from each other because of their interpretations of the meaning of the games people play. Instead, take deep breaths and practice a form of communication that makes a person feel powerful; physically, and emotionally. Such power drives the attraction that is between you.

If a person is attracted to you physically and emotionally, there is no need to play games, or this could be your last first kiss. Imagine allowing yourself to be happily involved with this individual as time goes on. You must find a way to keep them interested far, far into the future. Don’t be afraid of this… don’t ruin it with games. They should be doing the same thing. Thus, fulfilling your needs.

For example, be strong and tease them, challenge them and be adventurous about what you do together. If they are smart, argue with them a little but not constantly. Banter can be fun and informative. There is a difference between confrontation/disagreement and jest. Instead of coming of as argumentative, you will appear strong and engaging. In the same vein, you must find that perfect balance with tension in the relationship.

Every relationship has some level of tension. The line between healthy tension and relationship strangulation is the feeling you have in your gut when you interact with the person. Never go slack, keep up banter that solicits positive responses. Don’t do things that are slightly annoying just to get a response. You need to balance tension by drawing out a response you want by doing things that indirectly trigger it. Sexual tension requires a balance as well. Sexually you can go in for a kiss, hover over their lips and then stop, smile and pull away. The unfulfilled connection will raise a person’s arousal levels. Keep them sexually interested in you.

Don’t play bored if you’re not. This is not attractive, and the goal is to build up attraction to create a long-lasting relationship. If you are predictable, you will be perceived as boring and quick. Don’t play games about being engaged or active in the relationship. If you want them to think your boring, for whatever reason, don’t be upset to see the relationship end.

This is the same as control.

Being over controlling is never fun. No one wants to be controlled and if you play games at “dominating” or “controlling” them, you may find yourself alone again. Same as agreeing with everything they say. “What ever you want to do baby.” This gets old quick. Individuals enjoy dating people who have opinions, likes and dislikes and they enjoy learning about you. If you’re trying to keep building attraction, you need to speak up and have your own thoughts and dislikes.

Qualities that make you date worthy are confidence, strength, personality traits, and what kind of relationship you are looking for. By playing games you come off completely the opposite and your mate will most likely lose interest. This includes your ability to maintain basic physical fitness and proper grooming. These things add to your physical attractiveness and what you bring to the table.

To create a connection, you also must consider the psychological attractiveness. If you play mind games, you are breaking a connection before it has a chance to grow into something special. For long-term and emotionally intimacy, your focus should not be on trying to get the person to behave how you want them to, you must be open to allowing them to be themselves and bring their true selves to the relationship. Developing psychological attractiveness involves learning the skills to develop rapport through conversations. Conversations that are forward moving and not stagnant because of things that you are doing to throw a monkey wrench into the mix.

Dating Tips & The Art of Flirting

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Nancy Nguyen on Unsplash

Hello luvs! Happy holidays to you and yours.

I am so excited to be wrapping up this year on the topic of dating. Dating has morphed into many things over the last year or so and I am hoping you have been keeping up with the flow. Being “beautiful” isn’t enough anymore. Folks are looking for personalities. They are looking to connect with someone who gets them just as they are.

While there are many, many games being played on the dating field, if you can play your way through the mess, you just might find the person(s) you are looking for. Someone who sees you as you are. Sees your personality and how it gels with theirs. So value your strength and intellect. Let this build confidence in your ability to be seen as wanted. See yourself as the prize. When you know your value, you teach others how to value you. This garners respect and attracts people to you. Learn to love and respect yourself so that you can give freely.

Dating Tips …

Relationships require honesty but I’m suggesting you not be totally transparent. Don’t spill your guts or come out the gate with sorrow and grief. You may turn the person off if they are not equipped to handle what your saying. Be yourself, don’t agree with things you disagree with, just don’t be mean about it. Find the balance of sharing what is appropriate at each stage of the dating process.

Listen, you can help your relationship blossom by giving it space to breathe. Maintain your own life. Make them miss you without neglecting them. Letting them know that you are open to dating them gives foundation for the relationship to grow on. Be sure that all parts are growing at the same time. If there is to be a bond, you will need some healthy separation.

Now remember when I wrote about not playing games when it comes to dating. Understand that I know they are going to be playing some games. It is supposedly the way we are supposed to know if someone likes us or not. How fifth grade of us. Play along if the game is not toxic and does not make you step away from the core of you. Its Okay to let them know that you will not tolerate games. This will age the relationship quickly as this period is avoided. When you take games off the table guessing whether the person “likes” you is off the table. There should be mutual sharing and growth. This will give you the motivation you need to continue dating them.

& The Art of Flirting…


Where you want to spend your time while dating is in the art of flirting. You should never stop flirting with your mate(s). Flirting is an extension of your uniqueness. Whether you need to practice it or not, flirting speaks to your personality. Little things like a light touch during the convo would make them think of you sexually. Flirting is based on attraction between parties, but you can learn to flirt properly and keep an air of excitement in the relationship that develops from dating. Pushing and pulling is one of the most effective ways to flirt. It takes a balance of the two for it to work in your favor. The art of teasing is intentionally ruffling their feathers so they can be affected by what you say. A great balance shows your sense of humor and other personality traits that will create attraction.

Dating is like a dance…

Photo by Peter Fitzpatrick on Unsplash

The dating pool is vast. There are a lot of piranhas, but I like to think that there are perfect relationships waiting to develop for those who learn how to date while expressing themselves and their values. Dating is a dance and like dancing it takes practice. You will have a few bites along the way to your perfect situation, however, you need to stay in the pool. Stick to your core and your list of must haves and do the work needed to find your match. Within the conversation be nice and naughty, challenge them and compliment them when needed. Don’t hold back on what feels right because of some outdated thought you have been holding on to.

These thoughts hinder the ability to date successfully. These are called stuck points and these thought patterns can lead to unhealthy dating. Do an emotional check-in with yourself to determine if you can enter the dating pool and once in, can you navigate it to a successful match. Dating works.

Build Up Your Stamina: Exercise for Better Orgasms

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev from Pexels

We use muscles when we have sex that we typically don’t use in our day to day lives. If you tend to be huffing and puffing during play (not sexy!), you may want to consider preparing your body for better sex by building stamina. Stamina is necessary for good sex to happen, and bring you through to orgasm.

Often, I am asked about ways to increase stamina that does not involve medicine and folks are surprised when I simply recommend exercise.Yes, exercise is the best way to increase stamina and not some magical pill.

How Does Stamina Help With Sex?

Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels

Stamina helps in maintaining positions, rhythm, and endurance. This requires some resistance and interval training. While core power is needed because thrusting comes from the abs and low back,and strong abs allow you to control your belly, building up your upper body strength is also key. Some positions require you to balance your weight safely and over longer periods of time. Flexibility comes into play as well. Take the time to stretch your muscles regularly to be able to move into various positions with ease.

There are many exercises that you can do to build stamina. You must be consistent with them and you should make sure that you are doing the exercise correctly to receive the full benefit. Always check with your doctor before you start any workout regimen.

Stamina Exercises: Warm Up First!


Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Start with a warm up before you get into the meat of a session. A few warm-up exercises include stretching, jumping jacks, side-to-side lunges and moving the lower back.

A great engagement of the entire body is sandbag lunges. Hold the sandbag against your chest with your arms curled around it from the underside. Take one large step. Lower your body into the lunge until the forward leg reaches a 90-degree angle bend. Your back knee should only just hover from the floor. You should feel this stretch. Hold for 30 seconds.

Kegels

Of course, as I am always saying, Kegels are very important when it comes to sex play. They strengthen the pelvic floor and engages your core. You should work you way up to holding a Kegel for up to 15 seconds each time.

Inchworm

For a warmup or an exercise, you can do the inch worm exercise. With this you are standing, you bend at the waist and place your hands on the floor in front of you. Start to walk forward on your hands keeping your feet still. Walk out as far as you can, hold the position for seconds and then walk back to the bending position. This exercise includes your arms, shoulder, and core.

Couples Workout

Make your workout sexy and erotic with your partner(s). Perform exercises together, using each other’s bodies to complete exercises. You may have seen a video by now of sex workouts that are very, very erotic. These sessions bring individuals closer together as multiple senses are be tantalized.

Here are a few exercises that will get your motors running:

Single Leg Lunge

An exercise in which you will be holding your hands crossed and lunging toward each other one at a time is called a single leg lunge. These lunges work your quads, calves, thighs, and butt muscles.

Assisted Ham String Curls

Assisted ham string curls stimulate your large muscles behind the thighs is the lying hamstring curl. You will be sitting on your mates’ hips and lifting their legs up, while they are pushing it down.

Lying Leg Abduction

A lying leg abduction is when one party is lying on the floor with their arms out and the other is kneeling between their legs and stretching the legs apart. This strengthens the inner thigh muscles and the abductors.

Alternate Leg Abduction

An alternate leg abduction is to have one party lie on their side and lift their leg as the partner tries to push the leg back down. This works the outer thigh.

Leg Lifts

Someone lies on the floor with their head between the other’s legs as they are standing. You pull your legs up to their outstretched hands and then lets the leg back down.

The Wheelbarrow

Get in the wheelbarrow position and do a push up as your partner holds your legs at 30-45 degrees.

Couple’s Sit-ups

Have your partner lie on their back and push you away from them and pull them back down in a sit-up. Lie on their back and lay on top of them, lock hands and push down and up. They can also push you away as far as can be safely sustained.

Stamina is Sexy!

Making your workouts sexy will keep you engaged in doing them. Stamina is needed during sexual play, there is no real way around it. Sex works better when you move around and can last long.

EDITOR PICKS

POPULAR POSTS

POPULAR CATEGORY

© Copyright 2019 - Sexpert Media. All Rights Reserved. For permission to syndicate content, please contact us.