The Intimacy Spectrum: Sexual Intimacy Is Only the Beginning

By

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August 10, 2022

nathan-mcbride-YLkBly2HVHY-unsplash — Phpto by Nathan McBride

Sexual intimacy is only one way of being intimately connected to your partner. Intimacy occurs in many forms, not just with sexual intercourse. Our levels of intimacy strengthen and evolve as our relationships grow & we have more experiences with one another. A level of trust is developed and reinforced, as couples continue to open up and become confidants for each other.

Non-sexual intimacy is possibly more important than sexual intimacy in the framework of a long-term relationship. Although couples can remain sexually active well into their senior years and this connection reinforces intimacy, non-sexual forms of intimacy are far more important in building and maintaining healthy long-term relationships. Sharing activities that have meaning for both of you, helps to reinforce your bond. Whether the shared activity is an appreciation of certain music or a particular hobby, these commonalities create intimacy between the two of you. A favorite restaurant where you fell in love, or they proposed, or you shared confidential information; these things create intimacy within the relationship.

Challenges that we face in our relationships that occur naturally with the passing of time and aging, strengthen our bonds and make the connection stronger, more treasured and even closer. Look for ways to nurture non-sexual intimacy within your relationship by taking an interest in those things that are of interest to your partner. Do things for them that show you not only love but deeply care for them. These things don’t have to be financially based but built around giving of your time, your energies and your thoughts.

Dating on the spectrum

By

Valeriam Vincent

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August 4, 2021

Autism & Dating — Illustration by Hattie Reid

Written by Grace Blucher

My name is Grace Blucher, and I am a cisgender, neurotypical psychologist who lives and works on Woiworung Country. While I do not have autism, I work with many clients who are, and we work together to navigate the complex world of sex, love and dating. In writing this blog, I am not attempting to own or explain the experience of autistic individuals, but to share research, experiences and stories from the therapy room. While this article focuses on the experiences of autistic people, the information shared may also be relevant to other forms of neurodivergence.

Throughout the article, I have used identity first language (autistic, autistic person, autistic people). I realise that some people may prefer person first language (i.e. person with autism, person on the autism spectrum) and thus I would encourage the reader to supplement preferred descriptors where appropriate. All examples and quotes used in this article have been deidentified and represent themes of client content.

Dating is an experience filled with nuance, subtlety and uncertainty. This can be confusing, stressful, and overwhelming for most people, and even more so for neurodivergent (or neurocosmopolitan) individuals. Building new intimate relationships relies heavily on both the spoken and unspoken – interpreting someone’s eye contact, body positioning, questioning style and interest. There are lots of unspoken rules and possible complications. For autistic people who experience depth and intensity in? social experiences, this uncertainty or confusion may be felt very deeply. This is one of the main points of discussion in my work with autistic people in the therapy room. I often hear things like this from my clients:

“I had a good time, but then she didn’t want to hang out again. It was confusing.”

“We went on a picnic and I was supposed to bring cheese, but I didn’t know how much I was supposed to spend on cheese.”

“I don’t know what to talk to them about.”

“We were at a coffee shop, but it was too loud, and I had to go. I didn’t know what to tell him.”

What is autism?

Autism has traditionally been defined from a medical lens, with descriptors about difficulty with communication, social interactions and sensory experiences. However, autistic advocates explain autism in a way that talks to neurology: how and when information inputs and outputs are communicated from the brain to the body, and vice versa. From this perspective, autism is considered to be a different neurology, whereby much more sensory information is experienced by an autistic person. Due to this significant increase in sensory input, this can mean differences in how long it takes to process information, differences in how information is understood and differences in how the brain responds to the information it has deemed important or relevant.

Previous labels of ‘high functioning’ or ‘low functioning’ autism may refer to external judgements about how well an autistic person appears to be ‘coping’ and ‘passing’ in a neurotypical world. This also brings up the idea of masking, where autistic people attempt to ‘fit in’ to a defined social norm in order to maintain safety. This includes conscious, rehearsed, learnt behaviours for set situations whilst concurrently suppressing natural behaviours or impulses – often at the expense of self-identity.

Social scripts – helpful or not?

Dating and sex is inherently a mine field of vulnerability. For a lot of people, this can feel unsafe. Autistic children learn very early on that many environments are not safe for them (either through real experience or a subconscious awareness leading to heightened anxiety). One way of managing this feeling of unsafety is to learn the social scripts (learnt behaviours) that are ‘appropriate’ for a social setting.

However, the use of these scripts in the context of heightened sensory input, for example the social uncertainty of meeting new people, and the vulnerability of showing romantic or sexual interest is, understandably, an overwhelming experience. This can lead to a push-pull dynamic where autistic people want sex, love and relationships; but understandably, they can feel overwhelmed in such situations.

Some neurotypical people may mistake this feeling of being overwhelmed in romantic or sexual situations for a lack of interest – but this couldn’t be further from the truth. While there is diversity in all of our relationship preferences, relationships are an important and fundamental part of being human, and this is no different for autistic people. Sex and relationships are good for us too! Research tells us that autistic people in romantic relationships have a greater sense of sexual wellbeing and social and community belonging.

The impact of privilege

Dating is complex and multifaceted, and includes interpersonal, intrapersonal, and sexual factors. As neurotypical people, we need to realise that benefits are conferred onto neurotypical people by society, simply due to the fact that we are neurotypical. And this – boys, gals and non-binary pals – is privilege.

Recognising neurotypical privilege means being aware of the systems, structures, and sensory experiences that we can navigate without experiencing heightened sensory input, while also recognising that this is not the case for all people. In romantic and sexual spaces, this means actively noticing and considering how we, as neurotypical people, can better support and advocate for autistic people in these spaces. (For a brilliant piece on the sensory experience of autistic people having sex, please check out this article, and also this one. The onus is not on the autistic person to do the work, and clients have told me repeatedly how tiring self-advocacy is. However, autistic clients who I work with sometimes bring their relationship issues to the therapy room to talk about how they can support themselves, while other clients want to talk about how they can do better for their autistic partner(s). Some of these issues are listed below.

Let me be clear not all autistic people need support. However, for those that do ask for extra support – and for neurotypical people who do want to do better – I would encourage the reader to read on.

Small talk

Some of my clients tell me about the difficulty they face in having ‘small talk’ with new individuals. Small talk is the introductory conversation that doesn’t lead anywhere or seek to achieve anything. This can be difficult for autistic people as this communication doesn’t conform to a learnt social script and isn’t direction oriented.

It can be helpful to utilise activity-based gatherings when trying to meet people or when with new individuals. Instead of small talk, activity-based gatherings give us the opportunity to talk directly about what we are doing or experiencing. It also provides small breaks in conversation as we turn our attention to the activity. For example, clubs, interest groups and activities can be a great place to meet people with similar interests, providing initial common ground (instead of small talk).

Additionally, activity-based conversation reduces the experience of vulnerability, as we are ‘trying to find things to talk about,’ and may increase an autistic persons’ level of comfort with another or a group of people over time. If you are romantically or sexually interested in someone, complimenting their performance of the activity also provides a good opportunity to express your interest.

An important note – if you don’t like small talk, you don’t have to do it! Learning to engage in small talk is experienced by some autistic people as ‘masking’ – a disingenuous adaptation to the neurotypical world. Masking helps keep autistic people safe by pleasing others and prioritising the needs of others (usually neurotypicals) in order to conform to arbitrary social rules.

Some autistic people say that this helps them move through a world not built to support neurodivergence, while others say that it is exhausting, marginalising and fuels self-criticism. In an ideal world, the environment in which romance, dating, sex happens should be made safe in order to support autistic people. If you are dating or in a relationship with an autistic person, check in with them about what they might need you to do in order to help them feel safe and to reduce their sensory input – and proactively take steps to do this.

Dating can focus on interpreting non-verbal communication

Dating in the neurotypical world is usually centred on socially-based activities where there is a focus on nonverbal communication and interpretation. For example, consider going out to dinner or for a drink. In these instances, we are trying to ascertain if someone is interested in us platonically, romantically, sexually or not at all. This involves paying attention to body cues and language. Because there is such a strong focus on ‘making a good impression’ (especially early on), this can be particularly stressful for autistic people who may be suppressing their true selves (for the reasons explored above), while also trying to understand if the person or people they are dating are right for them. Not only are we contending with the stress of a new environment, the ‘pressure to impress’ and uncertainty about a new person – but also the sound, sight, taste, and touch experiences of bars, clubs and cafes. No wonder it’s overwhelming!

Some of my clients also talk about the confusion about unspoken social roles and “who does what” when newly dating. For example, many people can feel the gender role expectation of who ‘makes a move’ really challenging. There may also be power dynamics at play in terms of gender, sexual preference and relationship structure that make this murkier too.

It can help to make these unwritten rules and expectations clear either before the date or at the start. If you are going on a date with an autistic person, it may be helpful to flag these expectations early on. For example, “I think we should each pay for ourselves today,” “If today goes well, it is ok if I ask to kiss you?” “I would like it if we could talk again, but I probably will wait until Wednesday.” By bringing these worries, expectations and social scripts into the conversation explicitly, we are able to reduce uncertainty for all.

Liking someone = preoccupation and fixation

Finally, some of my autistic clients also talk to me about what happens when they are really into someone, and how sometimes, this person or people can almost become like special interest areas. They describe curiosity and early infatuation that comes with a new relationship can quickly turn into a preoccupation or fixation. I have worked with people who can spend hours upon hours on the social media accounts of their new love interests, trying to remember and research all the things that this new person is into just in case this is something that comes up on the date. This may sometimes be driven by anxiety, however also then becomes part of the mask that autistic people wear in romantic environments.

Being really into someone and wanting to find out all about them is wonderful, and setting up boundaries and consensual arrangements with a new partner(s) can be really helpful in understanding what is okay for all people involved. For example, it can be useful for the new relationship to think about how often you might want to spend time together, and what does communication look like when you are not together.

Dating, like anything worth having, can be hard at times. However, we as the partners, friends or lovers of autistic people need to recognise the privilege we bring to sexual and romantic spaces, and actively work to promote and support equity in these places.

At SHIPS, all our practitioners are knowledgeable and skilled with working with neurodivergent individuals. If you or your relationship may benefit from some extra support, please check out our website here.

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Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services (SHIPS) is a progressive psychology practice in Fitzroy, Melbourne. They provide sex, intimacy and mental health treatment in person and online. All SHIPS practitioners share inclusive and progressive values, are passionate about improving the lives of their clients and aim to create a safe space for you to get the help and support you need.

This article was previously published at https://www.xesproducts.com.au/blogs/news/dating-on-the-spectrum

XES Products is an online sex toy store dedicated to providing premium, accessible products and resources for everyone, without exception. In particular, we focus on empowering individuals with physical, cognitive and sexual health conditions to engage their sexuality, join the conversation around sexual wellbeing and explore their innermost desires. With XES, you’ll have access to high-quality, ergonomic products that support a diverse range of sexual interests and cater to unique individual characteristics.

The Realities of Sexual Fantasies

By

Bobby Morgan

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July 30, 2021

woman-6174830_1280 — Image by Сергей Катышкин from Pixabay

We All Have Sexual Fantasies

Even if you think your fantasy is weird or might freak out your partner, chances are, that your fantasy is not all that unusual. It’s a safe bet that your partner has fantasies, too.

In October 2014, a group of scientists at the University of Montreal published a study that asked 1,517 adult men and women residing in Quebec about their sexual fantasies. (How cool would it be to have that job?)

Top Female Fantasies

The study found the Top 10 fantasies among women were:

1. The location is specified: 27.2% (No. 6 for men: 11.3%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 21.4%; public place (e.g., office, restrooms, bar, aircraft, etc.): 5.8%

2. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 20.1% (No. 10 for men: 7.9%)

3. Focus on own submissive behavior: 18.8% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

4. Specifically involves a stranger: 14.3% (No. 24 for men: 1.9%)

5. The type of ambience is specified: 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

6. Exhibitionism: 8.9% (No. 23 for men: 1.9%)

7. Involves homosexual activities: 8.2% (No. 7 for men: 8.2%)

8. Group sex: 7.8% (No. 9 for men – with men and women or only women: 8.1%)
– Active role with men and women: 3.9%; passive role surrounded by men: 3.9%

9. Specifically refers to an authority figure or a celebrity: 7.1% (No. 14 for men: 4.2%)

10. Involves a sexual object: 6.5%

Top Male Fantasies

The Top 10 fantasies among men were:

1. Voyeurism: 15.0% (No. 11 for women: 3.9%)
– Watching a spouse having sex with another man: 8.4%; alone, spying an unaware stranger: 3.3%; watching spouse having sex with another woman: 3.3%

2. Fetishism: 14.0% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)

3. Threesomes: 12.6% (No. 13 for women: 3.2%)
– With strangers or acquaintances: 7.0%; with a spouse: 5.6%

4. Oral sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)
– Receiver (fellatio): 10.8%; giver (cunnilingus): 3.3%

5. Anal sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (No. 19 for women (as a receiver): 1.3%)
– Receiver (with a strap-on or shemales): 6.1%; giver with a woman: 5.6%

6. Location-specific: 11.3% (No. 1 with women: 27.2%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 7.5%; public place (e.g., office, restaurant, bar, aircraft): 3.8%

7. Homosexual activities: 8.9% (No. 7 for women: 8.2%)

8. Involves an acquaintance: 8.5% (No. 18 for women: 1.3%)

9. Group sex (with men and women or only women): 8.1% (No. 8 for women: 7.8%)
– Active role: 7.5%; passive role: 0.6%

10. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 7.9% (No. 2 for women: 20.1%)

What Fantasies are Typical?

In all, five sexual fantasies in the study were statistically typical and endorsed by more than 84.1% of participants — feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship, fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important, and fantasies involving a romantic location; receiving oral sex, and having sexual intercourse with two women. Among the remaining sexual fantasies, 23 were common in men and 11 were common in women.

What Fantasies are Rare?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, two sexual fantasies were found to be statistically rare (endorsed by 2.3% or less of participants) — having sex with a child under the age of 12 (0.8% of women and 1.8% of men) and having sex with an animal (3% of women and 2.2% of men). Among the 53 sexual fantasies studied in the survey, nine were statistically unusual (endorsed by 15.9% or less of participants) — seven for women (urinating on partner, 3.5%; being urinated on, 3.5%; wearing clothes of the opposite gender, 6.9%; forcing someone to have sex, 10.8%; abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious, 10.8%; having sex with a prostitute, 12.5%; and having sex with a women who has very small breasts, 10.8%) and four for men (urinating on partner, 8.9%; being urinated on, 10.0%; having sex with two other men, 15.8%; having sex with more than three other men, 13.1%).

“Many fantasies that one might suspect would be unusual are, in fact, endorsed by a significant portion of individuals,” says Dr. Richard Krueger, MD, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City who was not a researcher that was part of the study. “Yet this doesn’t mean that these are pathological at all. It just means that people have them. The only way that it becomes pathological is if it involves distress, dysfunction, or action on a non-consenting person.”

Does it Mean You Want it in Real Life?

While many women who took part in the survey expressed more extreme fantasies, especially of submission and domination by a stranger, they say that they never want these fantasies to come true. However, the majority of men that took part in the survey have more fantasies than women, express them much more vividly, and would love their fantasies to come true, especially threesomes.

But let’s say that you have a fantasy your partner doesn’t want to act out, let alone talk about, or if you don’t have currently have a partner. Perhaps you have a fantasy that will never play out in your life or is socially taboo.

“Having (fantasies) does not automatically translate into wanting to act them out,” says Michael Wiederman, a professor of psychology at Columbia College in South Carolina. “Perhaps it’s the assumption that fantasies say something about desired behavior that leads some people to feel guilty about their sexual fantasies. However, by definition, fantasies are safe (no one is actually hurt in real life) and they can end the way the fantasizer desires. Conversely, attempts to act out fantasies frequently result in less than desirable experiences. So, as long as your fantasies remain just that, you can give yourself permission to enjoy that aspect of your sexuality without guilt or concern about normality.”

Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/the-realities-of-fantasies/

Sexy Food: What Are Aphrodisiacs & Do They Work?

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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November 18, 2021

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch from Pexels

Taste of Heaven

Of course, the pleasures of the nose are matched only by the pleasures of the tongue. Like rock ‘n roll, taste is big and bold and exhilarating.

Can you imagine a life without knowing the pleasures of chocolate, fresh strawberries or seafood? Well, thanks to friendly little chemical receptors on the tongue, roof of mouth and throat, you don’t have to. For the most part, the tip of tongue reads sweetness and the back of the tongue is sensitive to bitterness with salty and sour receptors found on the top and sides of the tongue. The signals move along through the limbic system, which also reads the messages for odors. Given the proximity of the pathways for taste and smell, it’s little wonder that there is a symbiotic relationship between the two.

“The sensation of flavor is actually a combination of taste and smell,” said Tom Finger, a professor at the University of Colorado-Denver Medical School. “If you hold your nose and start chewing a jelly bean, taste is limited, but open your nose midway through chewing and then you suddenly recognize apple or watermelon.” This explains why taste is affected when a head cold renders a person stuffed up and unable to smell. Conversely, a scented candle burning on the dining room table will affect the taste of the meal.

While it’s usually true that denying one sense enhances the others, we can see now that this doesn’t pertain to the relationship between smell and taste. However, taste will be greatly enhanced by removing other senses, most notably sight. It can be extremely erotic
to enhance the sense of taste with blindfold play. Take turns with a blindfold, and feed each
other some tasty foods such as juicy fruits or fine cheeses.

It’s also incredibly erotic to intimately explore your partner’s body with your tongue without the aid of vision. Pay attention to taste of their kiss. Savor the sweetness of their sweat. Lovingly perform oral sex, not as a means to intercourse but as an act of sensory exploration.

Speaking of oral sex, the flavor of semen and vaginal juices can be influenced by the foods we eat. If you’re going to explore the flavors of the body, the best thing to do is to have a fruit-filled diet leading up to the adult playtime, as the natural sugars enhance the flavors in both sexes. Coffee, beer, garlic, onion, and milk products all create less pleasurable flavors, generally speaking. Smokers tend to taste the most bitter, which is another good reason to give up smoking.

Light My Fire

Stories about aphrodisiacs and their abilities to increase sexual desire have been around for decades and run the gamut from seeds to sweets to serpents.

“Taste is a sense to be taken seriously. It’s a powerful aspect of sexual compatibility.” – Dr. Pepper Schwartz

There’s plenty of debate on whether there are any true aphrodisiacs but there are certainly reasons why some may work as triggers for sexual enhancement. The most powerful aphrodisiacs work on both physiological and psychological levels. The smell of jasmine,
perhaps, could be a physiological aphrodisiac which also brings you back psychologically to that incredible night when you made love in the garden by jasmine bushes.

Many of the foods heralded as aphrodisiacs may simply be considered sexual because of their shape. Consider the phallic shape of carrots, cucumber, bananas, leaks, zucchini, and licorice, or the female sexual organ design of clams, mangos, figs, kiwi, artichoke, peaches and passion fruit. The act of eating them can feel sexual given the way they look, or the fact that they are juicy, messy or moist on the tongue.

There are a few foods, however, that have caught the attention of scientific researchers with the authentic enhancements they provide.

Real Aphrodisiacs

♥ A stalk of crunchy celery is packed with two pheromones that can help men attract women, according to Dr. Alan Hirsch, a neurologist and psychiatrist who has devoted over 25 years of research to the science of smell and taste.
♥ Vanilla ice cream can boost your libido and can make your orgasm more powerful. A study conducted at Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment & Research Foundation found that when men smell the scent of vanilla it reduces their inhibitions.
♥ The American Dietetic Association reports that Brazil nuts can help keep sperm cells healthy. If you prefer almonds, you’re in luck as they are also libido-boosting vitamin E.
♥ Blueberries are Mother Nature’s original potency food for men with erectile problems. Professor Mary Ellen Camire at the University of Maine reports that they are loaded with soluble fiber, which helps push excess cholesterol through the digestive system and they are packed with compounds that help relax blood vessels, improving circulation all through the body.
♥ The naughty looking banana can help your body produce sex hormones a few hours before getting it on and it converts carbs into energy so it will give you more endurance between the sheets.
♥ The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that one cube of dark chocolate daily can lead to greater desire and better overall sexual function.
♥ Cherries are sweet and tasty, but also stimulate pheromone production and have potassium that is essential for producing sexual hormones.
♥ Cucumber is a phallic looking food that arouses women with its aroma as well as its taste. Nutritionally, it provides several nutrients essential for sexual health, including Vitamin C and a mineral called manganese.
♥ Strawberries are luscious to look at and delicious to eat, but they are also a high source of vitamin C and are rich in antioxidants that benefit the heart and help lower cholesterol.
♥ Chewing on black licorice found it to enhance love and lust as it contains plant estrogens and stimulates the sex glands, bringing oxygen to the female genitals 40% faster.

Are They Or Aren’t They?

Many believe that alcohol is an aphrodisiac, but it doesn’t raise sexual interest as much as it lowers inhibitions. Quickly absorbed by the digestive system and the bloodstream, drinking taints judgment, impairs memory, creates mood swings, and reduces control of
motor skills. Sexually, these consequences diminish performance, healthy decision-making, and the quality of relationships. It also has the ability to undermine self-esteem, which hinders sexual pleasure. Doubts about love, attractiveness, and worthiness run amuck. And let’s not forget that too much booze can mean too little sexual sensation, including impotence. Alcohol is haunted by an aphrodisiacal paradox. When the edge of “just enough” is crossed, the substance goes from sexually good to sexually bad.

A different but similar paradox is found in medicines created to treat erectile dysfunction. Some men consider the introduction of Viagra to be the greatest medical breakthrough in the history of time. As grandiose as that sounds, it gives some insight into the importance
virility holds in the minds of many. Proclaimed by some sexologists as “the greatest aphrodisiac of our time,” Viagra and its brethren are certainly noteworthy, but the medicine at work doesn’t exactly fall within the formal definition of the word.

Sildenafil nitrate is the drug commonly known as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis. People view it as an aphrodisiac, but clinically there is no evidence that this impotence treatment changes sexual desire at all.

Without the component of desire, sex is like digestion. The system produces a physical change (penis engorges with blood), but the physiological component that defines a true aphrodisiac is left out.

Now where is the pleasure in that?

Dr. Ava’s Top 11 Quickie Tips for Couples to Spice it Up!

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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January 6, 2021

pexels-anastasiya-lobanovskaya-792777 — Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya from Pexels

Happy New Year 2021!

As with any new year, we often make resolutions to create new practices and healthy habits to follow for the coming year. This year, why not make your love life with your significant other a priority by adding some of my quickie tips as a part of your new year’s sexual wellness practices!

1. Share Your Desires With Your Lover

Do you know how to share your favorite sexual activities with your partner?

TO DO: Make a list of 10 sexual activities, then prioritize them in order of arousal and show the list to your lover. For example: kissing, receiving oral sex, mutual masturbation, using sex toys, quickies, role-playing, watching porn, missionary position, 69, anal. If you don’t already know what turns you on, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, wants and desires to your lover. They can’t read your mind, so turn it into a sexy revelation.

2. Please Your Lover’s G-spot

Both men and women have an internal erogenous zone that can lead to mind blowing orgasms when stimulated. To stimulate her G-spot, insert a lubricated finger and curl it upward in a “come here” motion with your palm facing upward. Imagine a small clock inside her sacred space and aim your finger up between 11 and 1 o’clock (with 12:00 pointing towards her navel), then gently tap, tap, tap and ask your lover for feedback. Use the same directions for finding the male G-spot, also known as his prostate, but insert your finger into his back door and feel for a chestnut-sized gland. Please your lover by exploring all of their internal and external erogenous zones to heighten sexual arousal and satisfaction.

3. Find His Million Dollar Point

Do you know how to make your man feel like a million dollars?

TO DO: Find his Million Dollar Point by slowly sliding your fingers up and down the perineum (the landing strip between his anus to his testicles). Feel for a small indentation the size of a pea midway and gently press inward with your thumbs. This area is called the Million Dollar Point in Taoism and many men are able to feel their prostate gland through this point. Stimulating it can result in an earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasm for him!

4. Don’t Forget the Feet!

Do you know how to worship your lover’s feet?

TO DO: Incorporate foot play into lovemaking, as it can foster intimacy and trust. Feet are an important erogenous zone with a tremendous number of very sensitive nerve endings. Pay attention to your lover’s feet with an erotic foot bath and massage, adding your favorite aromatherapy oil or lotion to keep things lubricated. Kiss, caress, lick or suck their toes to discover sensitive spots. Toe worshipping is known as “Shrimping.”

5. Steal A Kiss

It’s sometimes hard to find time alone with your partner during the holidays. Whether it’s the kids home from school or your in-laws hanging around for too long, kisses from your partner can be hard to come by! It’s also true that kissing is the first sexual activity to diminish when couples are growing apart. This is usually because resentment sets in and sexual chemistry turns off. Keep the juices flowing with a daily dose of kissing!

Kiss your lover at least twice a day in the morning and at night but make your smooches last for at least 12 seconds! This is a sure way to maintain passion and intimacy in your relationship. You can get away from the crowd for 12 seconds, right?

6. Scents That Boost Your Sex Drive

You can rev up your sex drive with the help of certain sexy scents such as the aroma of cinnamon, popcorn, pumpkin pie or doughnuts for your man.

Women get turned on by the smell of melon, chocolate, oranges and fresh bread. So, prepare some of these aphrodisiacs before you make love to enhance your sexual experience. There is scientific evidence that they can increase blood flow to the sexual organs.

7. Risky Sex Can Boost Your Sex Drive

Do you know that having sex in risky places can boost your sex drive?

Surprise your lover by making a date to have sex in a new place like the pool, on a secluded beach, in the woods, in the backseat of a car, on a boat, in a store dressing room, in the highest seats at a sports game, in a restaurant restroom, on the kitchen counter or even during a thunderstorm, just so long as it’s exciting and erotic.

If you are in public, be careful not to get caught, as public sex is illegal.

8. Sexy Video Gift Idea

Are you stumped for a perfect gift for your lover this year?

Make a personalized video for your lover to watch of you expressing all the things you love about him/her physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and even spiritually. You can share your feelings by describing the best day you spent together or reveal some of the fantasies you would like to do with your lover in the future. Believe me, this will be the most memorable gift they get!

9. Sexy Wish Exchange

Exchange your wish list of three things that could heighten a romantic, sensual and sexual experience for you with your lover.

Start by saying, I wish you, I wish we, or I wish I

For Example:

“I wish you would give me one of those sexy massages you do so well.”
“I wish we could have more quickies during the week.”
“I wish I could have my orgasm first while you give me oral.”

Then make each others wishes come true by choosing one wish from each others list right away, make another wish come true within 7 days and make the third wish come true within 30 days.

10. Never Negotiate Naked

I’ve been saying Never Negotiate Naked for years now, but I must have picked it up somewhere along the way in my sexological journey.

When we’re in the heat of the moment – clothes are flying off, kissing, touching, heavy breathing – it’s delicious. Everything is so intense. It has to happen RIGHT NOW or you will burst. It’s also a time when we aren’t thinking very clearly. Which is why it’s helpful to negotiate before the action begins. State your intentions. Talk about your safer-sex practices and preferences. Perhaps a Yes-No-Maybe sort of boundaries and limits discussion. To really reduce the pressure, do this in a completely non-sexual setting. Sure, it might get you all hot & bothered as you talk (That’s great!), but this way you can be as clear-headed as possible while negotiating your play.

11. An Orgasm A Day

Do you know an Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?

TO DO: For your optimum health, have sex or masturbate at least 2 times a week! For men, regular orgasms may help prevent prostate cancer and for women, orgasms increase blood flow to their sexual organs keeping them in good working order. Orgasms can also relieve stress, help with a good night’s sleep as a natural tranquilizer and release feel good endorphins that can alleviate pain.

Final Words!

I hope you enjoyed these easy “quickie” tips that you can implement in your relationship and time of the year!

Lelo Ina Wave Review by Erika Jordan

By

Erika Jordan

-

June 4, 2021

New! Lelo Ina Wave Video Review by Erika Jordan

Watch here on Youtube- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyhoO3qPBtg

Erika Jordan reviews the Ina Wave by Lelo in her latest video post on Youtube.

Set patterns, wild variations, g-spot stimulation, something for everyone!

Most impressive of the products that Erika tried, she had two orgasm in the first few minutes! Or, as she likes to call it, “Lazy Masturbation!” LOL! aka: Very minimal work for extreme results! She also likes that it was rechargeable, plug it in, charge it, and its ready to go, just like your phone. The clit stimulation part was perfect, with even vibrations that took her clit stimulation to a whole new level of WOW! A complete wave of ecstasy…

Get creative with it, its a lot of fun. Find what works for you.

Definitely Erika’s FAV toy by Lelo thus far. A BIG Winner!

Lelo is a wonderful brand. The Channel of Sex Toys!

Get the Lelo Ina Wave Here!

Vital Statistics of the Ina Wave 2

Mere Moments to Orgasm for Instant Satisfaction
Reviewers and owners tell us that nothing makes them climax faster or more intensely

Two Powerful Vibrating Motors for a Blended Orgasm
INA 2™ offers a combined clitoral and G-spot orgasm thanks to motors in the body and clitoral stimulator

100% More Power for 100% More Pleasure
INA 2™ is one of the most powerful and indulgent rabbit-style vibes in the world

Powerful Penny: The Feminist Sexpert Interviews Penny Barber

By

Megan Hussey

-

August 18, 2021

Her handle may be Pampered Penny. Yet after talking with Entrepreneur Penny Barber (AKA Penelope Barber), producer/director, performer, storyteller/filmmaker, and author, the Feminist Sexpert would like to bequeath a new title on this formidable Elizabeth Taylor lookalike: Powerful Penny.

Known for playing the busty, glasses-wearing Taboo MILF who likes to sling verbal humiliation and Kinky Mommy Dom in equal measure, Penny has made her own special mark on the adult industry for more than a decade. Indeed, this proud feminist has made countless clips, authored two books on age play, and shot with various independent clip producers. She has worked with AllHerLuv/Missa X, Sweet Femdom, Team Skeet, MYLF.com, PervMom, Kink.com, and Gwen Media. As a content creator, she enters film festivals and creates professional cinematic pieces. And her award shelf is overflowing, lined with honors from the Best MILF Clip Artist from the 2021 XBIZ Cam Awards (an award that came complete with a prominent feature in the current XBIZ World Mag), to noms for Most Popular Fetish Star from the Urban X Awards, Best Clip Performer of the Year from the Fleshbot Awards, Favorite Domme from the AVN Awards, and Girl-Girl Scene of the Year from the Inked Awards.

“I always strive to do good work and connect with audiences,” she said. “It brings me a sense of accomplishment to be acknowledged.”

Penny also sees her honors as validation of the empowered glamour that a ‘MILF’ can bring to the adult industry.

“These days, older women are more fetishized,” she said. “There was once this bizarre belief that a woman had to be in her 20s to be appealing. That’s not true–a woman of 40, of 50, can be just as sexy.”

And as they supply rich erotic fantasies to audiences everywhere, Penny insists that she and other performers be treated with respect on set; gladly offering assistance to performers who feel disrespected on set.

“I always believe that, if you don’t like something, say something,” she said. “I’ve always been the girl on set that other girls could come and talk to if they had a problem.”

The same goes for fans.

“I love connecting with my fans,” she said. “And while I understand that people get explicit in requesting what they want to see when they order custom photos and videos from me, they need to know how to act when talking to me.”

The Feminist Sexpert, who herself has been on the receiving end of disrespectful communications as a writer and marketer in adult, cannot second this sentiment more. I care about the way that the public treats my sisterfriends and me; and to me, every woman who creates, promotes, writes and/or appears in content is a sisterfriend.

As for sisterfriend Penny, she says that there’s not a moment to spare in her life, as she writes, produces, directs and performs her way to fame.

“There’s so much I want to do,” she says.

Stay in the know about everything in her world by following her Twitter at @pamperedpenny and Instagram @PennyBarberMILF. Support her art by subscribing to her official site tabooview.com, buying her clips at Clips4Sale clips4sale.com/studio/18369/miss-penny-barber and clips4sale.com/studio/11315/pampered-penny and ManyVids manyvids.com/Profile/147843/Penny-Barber/Store/Videos, as well as subscribing to her OnlyFans at onlyfans.com/pamperedpenny. “Like” her Pornhub videos pornhub.com/pornstar/penny-barber. Check out her mainstream and Indie projects at pennybarberfilms.com.

Sometimes You Do Get A Check, And Sometimes You Don’t Know Why

By

Ralph Greco

-

May 1, 2021

pexels-nadi-lindsay-3078831 — Photo by Nadi Lindsay from Pexels

Freelance writers usually know when their payments are coming in, spend an inordinate amount of time chasing those that are supposed to come in, and worry insistently about trying to get them to come in. Although I am terrible with anything that has to do with numbers, rest assured I try to keep up on those numbers that mean cash in my pocket. So, you can assume I was damn surprised today when I received a check from a rather reputable publication that I was not expecting for a piece of writing I can’t recall.

Yes, I do write a lot of erotica. I’d say more than half of my output is naughty writing, either article, blogs, or fiction. But I also write for mainstream clients and attempt to get fiction or little humor essays into those inoffensive old mags that have been around forever. It was from one of these magazines, that the check came from, for… well… for whatever it was.

I went on the magazine’s website to search, to no avail, and just emailed a letter to their editor, thanking him and asking, ‘Hey, by the way, can you tell me what this is for?’ I’d at least like to grab a couple of copies of the magazine to throw around as I don’t get to do this all that often when I get some piece of erotica published. Old aunt Tessie is a sweet lady, but she won’t take well to logging onto some porn site to read my latest on the best positions for spanking.

Don’t think for a minute I’m complaining! I love getting money, and I love that it seems a venerable old magazine has published me. I just have no idea what the piece was! But you might find this happening to you a time or two. Lots of places have online templates to plug your writing into. In the case of what I am assuming was published here, I probably scribbled off a little humor piece of 100 words and sent it off. I’m sure I didn’t even save the few paragraphs, figuring, hey, if they can use it, great, if not, no skin off my apple.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is, just keep sending stuff, throw your writing out and about, even if it’s little quips or a short-short. You never know who might publish you, and when you might see a check, you were not expecting.

Product Review: Tracy’s Dog OG Pro2 in purple

By

Silvia Bell

-

March 7, 2023

I was looking for a vibe that would bring some variety and excitement into my self-love routine and the OG Pro 2 by Tracy’s Dog provided that and more! This double feature vibe came in elegant discreet packaging and its purple and gold design is simply gorgeous. I love feeling glamorous, the lux look and soft touch of this toy was exactly the sexy accessory I needed to bring me back to that feeling.

Tracy’s Dog products are always made of high grade materials. You can feel the difference in the silky smooth touch of their body-safe silicone. I always thought higher quality meant more complicated care but I found the OG Pro 2 easy to use and easy to clean. It gives all the feels of high end but keeps it low maintenance. I was also impressed by how long a fully charged battery lasts, it gave me plenty of time to discover all its amazing features.

The OG Pro 2 offers multiple ways to play, with its sucking simulations and G Spot reach you get the best of both worlds. Both the suction and vibration can be adjusted to 10 different settings each, so the pleasure combinations are truly endless. Its size makes it comfortable to wear and being 100% waterproof meant I could take it anywhere. For me though, the real difference maker is that it comes with a convenient remote control.

I enjoy being able to take a more hands off approach to self-pleasure sometimes. Being able to wear this vibe and layback with the remote control in my hand kept my mind clear from distractions. There was no need for awkward angles or struggling to change the settings while maintaining position. The remote has two buttons for easy adjustments to suction and vibration modes. Reaching high peaks of pleasure stopped being a challenge with this new found control in my hands!

Even better, using it with a partner opened doors to a whole new level of excitement. This toy increased the fun in my relationship by adding the element of surprise to foreplay. Giving my partner the ability to control the settings with the remote also brought us a deeper level of intimacy. With a range of 6-10 meters we didn’t even have to be in the same room to feel connected. This is definitely a must try for couples.

This vibe delivered beyond what I was expecting. Along with its mind-blowing features, its ability to travel easily with me made this my new go-to vibe. It gave me just the type of excitement I was looking for. If your routine could use a little spicing up, the OG Pro 2 by Tracy’s Dog should be at the top of your list to try.

Erotica Writers, Spread ‘Um: Finding Places to Publish

By

Ralph Greco

-

August 30, 2020

As an erotica writer, you might know a thing about ‘spreading;’ legs, libido, desires, play with various partners. For this column, though, I am suggesting spreading your scribbling as far and wide as possible.

First of all, you should be spreading your net wide when exploring possible places to submit to. Market places like the EWR will lead you to erotic publication guidelines as well as upcoming anthology needs. But with the net as your guide, you can research lots of other places for up-to-the-minute changes to guidelines and instantaneous postings. I’d say check your favorite spots often and do some deep diving as much as you can.

Secondly, even if you write only within a specific genre, you might want to search outside of the usual publishers you know who support that genre. Sure, the more niche your writing is, the harder it might be to place it far and wide. Still, you’d be surprised at the places (publishing houses, online portals, small press anthologies) that consider those pieces that might fall a little farther afield than the usual fare they take, but somehow still fits their needs. You’ll need to do a little research, but I have found quite lusty naughty tales in sci-fi books because the sex happens a few years into the future or kink passages in places I’d never expect them.

It’s also a good idea to spread your titles around…if you can. Sure, the prevailing wisdom is for building a relationship with a publisher by getting a healthy listing of books with them, so they start to consider you a worthwhile commodity. But there is also something to be said for placing a bunch of titles across the field of a bunch of publishers. Admittedly, this isn’t so easy to do with a niche like erotica, where the pickings of potential publishers are few. But a long time ago, the wonderful and wise Jean Marie Stine of Renaissance E Books, Inc., the first house to publish my erotica and someplace I go back to time and again, told me that it was a good idea to have a bunch of books published by a bunch of different houses. She never saw this as competition as much as free advertising, in that if someone found and enjoyed a book of mine published by one house, they might go looking for more titles by me. That search might very well bring them to my books published by Jean Marie…or anybody else.

Makes sense, right?

Also, even if you stick with one genre (which I don’t), you might find one erotica publisher is open to naughty stories of a certain type while another is into something else. Or houses fill-up sometimes on one kind of thing and you might find another house open to what you have. This has happened often with me, and the only way I got ahead of the game was to spread myself around, do a little digging, see who might want at the time of my submitting, and keep open (ok spread) enough to take advantage of some options.

Lay down, spread-um, and take note. It will do you and your writing a world of good.

Photo by Leo Burca

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