Learn How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

One of the positive after effects of the #MeToo movement was the realization that women deserve the same amount of sexual pleasure as men get. But how do you ask for what you want? Here’s how to do it before you start doing it.

1) First, figure out what does it for you before you ask someone to do you.

Before you ask for what you want, you have to know what you like. And also what you don’t like. Do you love having your nipples rubbed, for instance, or do you hate that? Do you like having your ears licked, or does that completely turn you off? Make a list of what you really crave or would like to try with your partner. He/she may not want to do everything you want to do (like have public group sex in the “Orgy Tent” at Burning Man), but any partner worth having will want to please you.

2) Start talking about what you like and want earlier in the relationship.

If you are having first time sex with someone or the sexual relationship is very new, def bring up what you like. And feel free to mention your ex, as an excuse to bring it up. As in, “I went out with my last boyfriend for three months and he never went down on me. Can you believe? I love the mound munching.” Don’t drop hints, however; be straight up and tell your partner exactly what you want to happen downtown.

3) If you’re already in a relationship, its never too late to speak up.

Sex therapists hear it all the time; couples in long term relationships say they think its too late to try something different with their spouse. Not true. Shake it up. Long term relationships need constant sexual variety or they will get boring. If you suddenly want to try watching porn together for the first time, cue it up to a porn parody, (like The DaVinci Load). If you want to dress him up in a Batman costume and you want to go as Catwoman, shop for Halloween early and go to a costume store together.  If you’re lucky, you might catch him walking around the house again in his Batman tights.

4) Sometimes you just have to show and not tell.

One of the best ways to show someone what you like is to not say a thing and guide their hand to what you want touched. Works every time. Pointing is also effective.

5.) Have no shame and you’ll gain.

It’s a little too late to be self-conscious about your desires. It’s supposed to be be fun.

Illustration: Wikipedia Commons


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Anka Radakovich is a legendary Sex Columnist, Certified Sexologist, Sex Educator, Screenwriter, and Author of the book THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, PART 2, Tales from New York to Hollywood. THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, Part 2 is her third book. Her first two books, The Wild Girls Club; Tales from below the Belt, and Sexplorations; Journeys to the Erogenous Frontier were both published by Crown/Random House. She was the Sex Columnist for DETAILS Magazine for 9 years and currently writes columns for Brides.com and Los Angeles Magazine. Her writing has appeared in dozens of magazines including Marie Claire, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Men's Journal, Seventeen, Glamour, and Maxim. She has appeared on numerous television shows including 8 appearances with Conan O’Brien. She was a Jeopardy question under the category “Men’s Mags.” As a Sex Educator and Sexologist, she is a college lecturer at Universities throughout the country who offers her unique brand of sex education. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.


  1. You hit the nail on the head Anka, communication is so important and having a relationship where both people feel like they can talk about how they feel and what they like is so important. So many problems both in the bedroom and out can be solved with a nice open, none judgmental chat. Willow


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