In order to get to know your partner and what they like, there are a series of questions you should ask. Begin by letting your partner know that you want to learn to prioritize them sexually. If there has been an orgasm gap in your relationship, the first step is to acknowledge that. This may take some mindset changes, but it is possible and healthy to begin this orgasm equality journey together.
Now, unfortunately there are a lot of people that have no idea what turns them on. Some partners have never prioritized themselves in this way and wouldn’t know where to start even if they wanted to.
I’ve created this list of questions to help start you on this journey. You may need to take several detours along the way, maybe a field trip or two to really pin point some of their favorite and not-so-favorite things. But let’s get started.
What things turn her on sexually?
- Are there any smells that they really loves? A certain perfume, cologne, an essential oil or candle.
- Do they like to feel things like soft blankets or super fluffy pillows? Silk sheets?
- Have they ever read a romance novel? Romance novels don’t need to be dirty or raunchy to get our imaginations going. In my opinion, romance novels tend to get a bad reputation, but they are worth looking into. Does reading a romance novel sound like something your partner would enjoy?
- Is there a sound they really like? Raindrops, thunderstorms, creeks, crashing ocean waves. What about music? Are there songs that really resonate?
Remember, the key is not just to start the engine but to transport to a place that matters.
You may already know this one, but do they have a drink that really soothes them? A favorite wine, hot tea, coffee, hot cocoa, maybe even kombucha.
Aphrodisiacs
- Aphrodisiacs can be an incredible turn on too, especially chocolate.
- What’s their favorite food?
- Do they like sweet things like strawberries and chocolate cake? Or more salty?
- Food play can be fun and exciting. Starting in the kitchen can be a great idea.
In fact, food can be such a turn on that you can buy lubes that are mint chocolate chip, pina colada, and birthday cake flavored (and many many more).
Fantasy
Does you and your partner have any fantasies? When people think of the word “fantasy” they think of having sex or sexual relation in odd and awkward situations. That is not what I am referring to.
When I say fantasy, it’s more realistic, something that could happen any day. A scene may play out in their mind, such as, where you come home and hold each other for a few minutes then the scene unfolds. Would you like to write out a screen play of the two of you that you can act out later, you should ask.
How can you play together? What sounds fun to her?
Are there things that tend to distract her when you want to have sex? Think external distractions like pets, cell phones, tv in the background, a pile of dirty laundry that’s been sitting in the corner for a few weeks.
Now consider internal distractions. This list can be extensive like that phone call or text she’s been meaning to return for several hours (or days). Perhaps she had a fight with her bestie and now she can’t focus on anything else. She might have a long list of to-dos that just doesn’t seem to get smaller no matter what she does.
What can you do to help with those external and internal distractions?
Ask them what her top 3 distractions are and work together to clear them. Ask her what her favorite memory is of the two of you, tell her to be specific. This will give you a lot of clues about the things she values. Does she remember the smells? Was it raining? Maybe there was a warm fire. Did she like the smell, feel, or look of the fire? Do you see where I’m going with this? If you are able, try and recreate that scene for her. It’s likely that things have changed since that memory. The outcome may not be the same as it was, do not take that as a loss.
Enjoy the journey together, learn who she is now. Women go through so much change. Our needs and wants can change drastically as time goes on. We may hate something that we loved 15 years ago.That is why it is important not to guess at these questions. Take the time to figure out who she is today. If nothing else, she will appreciate you taking the time to prioritize her.
