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What’s Your Sexual Personality?

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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One of my life goals is to help couples discover their compatibilities in order to enrich their sex lives. In my decades-long private practice, I’ve helped many people who didn’t know how to relate to each other, mostly because they were speaking their own language instead of learning the language of their partner. So I developed a unique sexual personality to enhance a much more fulfilling love life mentally, physically and sexually.

This work is what inspired me to start my ongoing research project on sexual compatibility which has reached over 2,500 participants since 2015. Please take a moment to take my anonymous survey here. We don’t collect IP addresses or e-mails – it’s completely private so that individuals feel free to express their true feelings. Plus, it’s fun to answer the questions and think about your own preferences and desires! I encourage you to add to this valuable study.

Here are some of the questions in the survey that are answered on a rating scale, to give you an idea of how we’re trying to categorize behavior to come up with compatibility solutions:

  1. How important is it that your long-term partner is good in bed?
  2. Do you like to plan your sexual activity?
  3. How do you express love?
  4. How much do you enjoy the following acts? Erotic embrace while dressed, deep kissing, stroking your sexual partner’s genitals, giving or receiving oral sex, favorite intercourse positions, anal sex.

The study is based on psychology’s well-established ‘Big Five’ personality traits called OCEAN (Open, Conscientious, Extroverted, Agreeable, Neurotic) which began with the research of D. W. Fiske (1949) and was continued by other researchers including Norman (1967), Smith (1967), Goldberg (1981), and McCrae & Costa (1987).

Here are some brief descriptions of the five sexual personalities I created based on the ‘Big Five’ psychological personality types. Read them all and see what jumps out at you as familiar or not ‘you’ at all.  Find yourself and your partner in these personality types, and choose more than one if you like! It’s all about figuring out who you are and how to successfully communicate with others. There are more detailed descriptions in my free e-book Your Sexual Personality: Find and Keep Your Perfect Match.

OCEAN Sexual Personalities

Open

If you have an Open personality, you are creative and outgoing sexually. You feel comfortable giving the kind of love you would like to receive and are more likely to have adventurous fantasies like threesomes, domination or exhibitionism.

Conscientious

Conscientious lovers are the most mindful, and pay attention with all of their five senses. If you’re sexually conscientious, you are more likely to believe that relationships can be “worked on” to achieve compatibility. You require a higher level of trust before becoming intimate with someone, and are more likely to be turned off by the idea of someone else finding your partner sexy.

Extroverted

Sex with an Extroverted person is energetic and exciting as they enjoy risky sex locales and erotic communication. If you are an extrovert sexually, you’re more likely to be the one who initiates sex and more likely to enjoy sex acts others may consider taboo, like group sex or BDSM.

Agreeable

Agreeable personalities in bed are passionate and loveable with lots of enthusiasm to please their lover. If you’re an Agreeable lover, you are the most likely of all the personalities to be turned on by taking a romantic bath, dancing or sharing meals, and are more likely to express your love through compliments.

Neurotic

Neurotic lovers can be the wildest sexually or the least sexual, depending upon their mood, as they are highly emotional and sensitive. If you are considered a Neurotic sexual personality, you are significantly less willing to talk about your desires and you have difficulty expressing your love. You are less likely to be the one who says, “I love you” first in a relationship.

Did you recognize yourself? Many people find they are a combination of personalities, with some traits from one type and others from another. So what can we do with this information? My e-book also gives you lots of sexy tips for each personality type, but here are a few at-a-glance ideas you can use at home today to spice up your sex life.

If You Are Sexually Open…

Feed your sexual appetite and increase intimacy with new sexual activities you haven’t tried, whether it’s Tantric sex or sensual BDSM power play. Striptease is also a great option for you since you have fewer inhibitions. Even if your partner is not as open as you are, they might enjoy the show! For some Open couples, inviting a third into the mix can also be an appealing idea. Sexually Open and Agreeable people are most compatible because both types are able to give the kind of sex that they need for satisfaction.

If You Are Sexually Conscientious…

Build romance with a bubble bath after a stressful day, followed by an erotic massage or mutual masturbation to promote sexual health and wellbeing. Add erotic talk for orgasmic intensity! As a sexually Conscientious person, you might enjoy taking sexy selfies and sending them to your lover in a ‘for your eyes only’ message that gives them a thrill and makes you feel valued and loved. A Conscientious lover with another Conscientious or an Agreeable lover offers the most compatibility because they are both more likely to express their feelings.

If You Are Sexually Extroverted…

You find it easy to talk about your sex fantasies, especially to another Extrovert, or an Open person, who are your best sex matches. Since you are more likely to make the first move initiating sex, be sure to find out your lover’s boundaries on any unexplored erotic desires you want to explore. You are more likely to enjoy a game of strip poker or be on board to discover his P-spot or her G-spot during sex. Role-playing games may also excite you, for example pretending to be strangers at a bar, and going home together as if you’ve never met!

If You Are Sexually Agreeable…

As the most flexible lover of all the personalities, work on getting your sexual needs met by stating your desires through dirty talk. As you’re likely turned on by erotic visuals, ask your lover to do a striptease and masturbate for your voyeuristic pleasure before having sex.

As an Agreeable, you can create a sex match with anyone – even a Neurotic lover can fall in love or lust with you. Try giving or receiving an erotic massage with a happy ending.

If You Are Sexually Neurotic…

For great sexual experiences, focus your attention on pleasing your lover before yourself. And before sex, have a date that involves laughter such as watching a funny movie or going to a comedy club, as this will access parts of your brain that will help you to relax before sex. Masturbation is a surefire winner for your personality type, and you can work on letting that extend into your sexual relationship as mutual masturbation. Sexually Neurotic people are most compatible with Agreeable personalities.

No matter which sexual personality type or combination of types describe you and your partner, have fun exploring your compatibilities together. And remember, every couple can learn from each other, whether the compatibility test says you’re a good match or not. If you have chemistry, you can train each other to express love in the way that you both want and need for a fulfilling relationship. Just taking the test and reading the e-book will make you feel more empowered with the knowledge that communication is something you can improve.

How To Make A Threesome Happen

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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Couples can’t always give each other everything they need sexually in a long-term relationship. Sometimes introducing a third person is exactly what you both want to keep your sex life fresh with novelty. Engaging in a threesome can be one of the most memorable sexual experiences a couple can have, but make sure the memories are positive.

Communication is key when it comes to opening up your relationship to a third person. Don’t gloss over your wants and needs before you dive in to the experience. If you feel strongly that there shouldn’t be penetration for example, say so. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for resentments and jealousy. Laying down a basic set of guidelines allows more freedom in the moment.

Where To Find Your Third Wheel

It’s never been easier to find an adult playmate using the Internet, where you can send messages on dating sites such as OkCupid or Plenty of Fish, or go to ThreesomeDatingSite or Adult Friend Finder.  Be clear with your request, and expect some back and forth so that you can all get to know each other. You can use the acronyms MMF (male, male, female) or MFF, MMM and FFF (or any combination) to designate what kind of third you are seeking.

I recommend having a three-way ‘date’ ahead of time with no sexual expectations, so that you can discuss your fantasies and all parties can become comfortable with each other. This extra step makes the sexual anticipation and experience much more satisfying, as you’re all connecting on a deeper level. I’m not saying you have to be best friends (in fact, I discourage having sex with good platonic friends), but when you’ve spent some time and had a conversation together, even if briefly, things generally go much more smoothly in bed later.

Another alternative for finding a third is to go to a bar, swing club or even a BDSM dungeon with the intention of picking up another person who might be interested in participating in a consensual three-way experience. Clear communication is even more important in these settings at the beginning, as you don’t have the benefit of the website introduction to pave the way for your ultimate intention. But when in doubt, listen to your intuition and be on the side of caution as it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Negotiation

Make sure you talk about each person’s interests and desires, including boundaries and deal breakers about kissing, oral sex, intercourse, anal and sleepovers. It’s also a good idea to have a code word or signal for “STOP” that everyone understands, such as traffic light colors RED for STOP and GREEN for GO. In the heat of the moment, you might need a safe way to stop the action.

Try this WANT, WILL, WON’T exercise for sexual activities during the negotiation process. My clients have found it to be a very useful jumping off point for opening up the lines of communication and encouraging each party to fully express their desires and boundaries.

The first slide shows what the desires and boundaries mean, and the second slide is filled in with items from a sexual menu.

Will Want WontWill Want Wont 2

Dinner & Sexy Games

Planning a sexy night for three-way sex can be a lot of fun. Start by ordering everyone’s favorite food and arrange comfortable seating without a cumbersome table in the way. For some flirty conversation, try topics like turns on and turn offs, or show and tell.

Once things get sexy, you can begin to feed each other playfully and lick food off your partner’s body to entice the other person to join in. A little alcohol can also ease the tension and rev up the sex drive, but don’t pour the drinks too strong or too often because consent is sexy, and you want to make sure you’re enhancing your sex life, not creating drama.

Play some icebreaker adult games such as Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare or Strip Poker to get everyone in the mood for naughtiness. Be sure to have plenty of condoms, lube and some sex toys on hand to keep the party playful. Always change condoms when going from anal to vaginal and never share sex toys, so have plenty of each at hand. Use a new condom with each partner!

Take turns getting and giving a four handed massage to relax and then arouse by exploring all of the erogenous zones from head to toe. Organic coconut oil is smooth and silky on the skin, as is massage glide, or warming and cooling, can increase sensitivity and flavored massage products can be a tasty treat for the giver of pleasure, just as much as the receiver.

In The Moment

Say things to make your partner feel confident. Saying, “I love you,” “You’re such a great lover,” and other positive compliments can make your partner feel confident and secure, diminishing any competitive feelings they might have about the third person.

Never leave anyone out. You don’t want a threesome that’s unbalanced, where two people’s interactions dominate at the expense of the third. There’s always a way to expand your touch and attention to include that third person.

Make sure you have water nearby so that your mouth doesn’t get dry right when you want to kiss, lick or suck.

Positions For 1 Man, 2 Women

This is one of the top fantasies for men, but lots of women are game to let their man watch them with another woman. A hot sexual position is for the man to enter his partner in doggy style while she goes down on the other woman. Alternatively, he can be getting a blowjob from the new woman while his partner sits on his face. And of course there are endless combinations of 69-inspired positions to please everyone.

Positions for 1 Woman, 2 Men

This female sex fantasy can result in double penetration and one of the best positions for that is for one man to lay on his back so the woman can sit on him in cowgirl position while the other man inserts his penis from behind her for anal penetration, as she leans forward. This is known as an MFM threesome experience, and of course there are many other sexual positions that include oral pleasures for everyone.

The Role Of Sex Toys

Adding sex toys into your threesome can prolong the experience, add extra visual eroticism and playfulness. It can help women have orgasms more easily, and allow men to take the pressure off the demand on their erections. You can even consider giving your third a sex toy to take home as a memento of the occasion. Some of my favorite sex toys for threesomes are The Screaming O cock ring, We-Vibe wearable vibrator and of course, an adjustable strap-on with a harness.

Exploring Your Same Sex Fantasies

In a sexual threesome, the same sex parties are key in creating chemistry with each other. This is an exciting opportunity to explore same sex fantasies and try out experimentation that you’ve only dreamed of, such as tribbing between women and docking between men.

The Power Of Imaginary Threesomes

If you’re not ready to have another person participate in a three-way yet, then you can make this fantasy come true through the power of suggestion and lots of graphic dirty talk. Describe to each other what the third person would be doing, and how.

If you’re at a loss about how to get started, try using some of these phrases and fill in the blanks, directing your sexy language at your partner and your imaginary third as well.

It feels so good when you touch my__________.

Your ______________ is beautiful.

I want you to ___________ my _____________.

I love your ____________________.

My _______________is so______________.

_______________ me in the __________________.

You are so ______________________.

Pros & Cons Of A Threesome

Pros

Fun – Threesomes can be exciting and naughty, playful and thoroughly entertaining because of their taboo nature. You can expand your sexual horizons with erotic new visuals, new sexual positions and by discovering new erogenous zones.

Hormone boost – Threesomes get your feel-good hormones flowing from increased Testosterone to surging Dopamine.

Exploration – Same sex fantasies and two-on-one fantasies are very common and here’s your opportunity to make them come true.

Discovery – Discover new ways of touching and being touched, and new ways in which you like to be aroused.

Freedom – You can be uninhibited, making love ‘outside the box.’

Increased sex drive – more orgasmic intensity may result from the new excitement of a third partner.

Passion – Threesomes can rekindle passion in a predictable relationship.

Afterglow – You might feel more sexual satisfaction than you’ve ever experienced and want to do it again!

Cons

Jealousy – You might be afraid that your partner will get emotionally attached to the third person, or worry that they are a more skilled lover.

Performance issues – Men might have anxiety about getting an erection or keeping it up in front of two people at once.

Feelings of inadequacy – Men or women may feel intimidated by being ‘compared’ to another person physically or sexually.

Competition – Threesomes bring up issues of rivalry, where one party may engage in a sexual contest with another.

Awkwardness afterwards – Unless you’ve negotiated your ‘happy ending,’ there could be an awkward moment where no one knows what to do when the sex is over.

STDS – Expanding your sexual horizons also means expanding your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Always use condoms.

Embarrassment – Three people makes for more potential embarrassing noises and moments, but try to use a sense of humor to overcome any mishaps.

Look at this pros and cons list with your partner to help make the decision together about whether or not to try a threesome. Ask each other how important a threesome is, on a scale of one to ten, where ten means it’s a dealbreaker for the relationship.

Honor your partner’s feelings about the possibility, and understand that the answer may very well be “No” but if you do go forward as a couple, make sure that your own relationship foundation is strong and that you’re plan is to have well-intentioned sexy fun.

Is A WAP A Good Thing? – Everything You Need To Know About Vaginal Wetness

By
Janet Lovelace
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This week, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion cemented themselves as sex icons with their new single, WAP, an anthem for vaginal wetness. It’s definitely a bitchin’ song both in its musical & lyrical merit and its unique position in a male-dominated genre in our patriarchal society—plus, it makes me believe I can rap—but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Brittney McNamara from Teen Vogue does a better job at tackling this.

WAP Cardi B

What I’d like to talk about is the sex ed side of having a wet ass pussy. Believe it or not, there are actual people who feel concerned about their vaginas needing a bucket and a mop. And, with Ben Shapiro and his doctor wife using science as an excuse to shame sex-loving sluts everywhere, it’s hard to find a comprehensive answer for the innocent souls googling “Is my pussy too wet? Is it too dry?” this week.

So, cue the Sexperts. (That’s us.)

 

Vaginal wetness is totally normal.

Long story short: having a wet ass pussy is 100% normal. Especially if you’re sexually aroused. And, particularly if your partner is insanely attractive. That wet vagina is A-ok.

A wet vagina (or wet ass pussy) is a regular biological and physiological response to being in the mood. Its purpose is to make sure that your vagina is lubricated during sex, so that you’re comfortable, safe, and having fun. Personal lubricants, or simply lube, has secured a spot in our sex drawers along with condoms because they mimic this natural phenomenon.

Go lube!

Why does vaginal wetness happen?

The exact composition of this fluid varies from case to case. There are a lot of factors that contribute to vaginal wetness, from hormones to medication to stress. But generally, they come from two important and special glands: Bartholin’s and Skene’s.

Bartholin's Ducts and Glands

Infographic from MyVagina

The Bartholin’s glands are located to the left and to the right of the vaginal opening. It secretes a thin and slippery fluid that lubricates the vaginal walls. You can even spread it to your labia and your clitoris to make foreplay more comfortable. This vaginal discharge is primarily made of alkaline fluids.

The Vulva Skene's Glands FULL VERSION

Infographic from MyVagina

On the other hand, the Skene’s glands are found a little higher up. They’re paired ducts around the urethra, and produce a watery fluid that kind of resembles pee. While the source of the female ejaculation is still a mystery, it’s widely speculated that the Skene’s glands are responsible for it. Yep, we squirt through it!

grey powder

Photo by Pascal Meier

Why am I wet even if I’m not sexually aroused?

As emphasized earlier, your vagina’s got you. It constantly creates fluids to keep it moist and clean, and safe from injury and tearing. This vaginal discharge is from cervical glands and the vaginal walls. It’s normal to have about 2 to 5 mL of this clear, mucus-like discharge on the daily. While that cervical mucus is also produced during sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it showing up means you’re aroused. (It also means that being wet isn’t sexual consent.)

Vaginal discharge even looks different from time to time, depending on your menstrual cycle, your ovulation, if you’re pregnant, and if you’re taking hormones and birth control. In fact, the consistency of this vaginal discharge can even tell you a lot about your ovulation and pregnancy!

How to check cervical mucus

Infographic from VeryWell

Infographic from VeryWell

Similar to cervical mucus is the milky-white secretion from the Skene’s glands. While I did say it’s speculated that this is where all the magic (squirting) happens, it also has an important role in keeping your urinary tract free from infection. Its fluids have antimicrobial properties, proving that yes, your wet vagina does the cooking AND the cleaning.

Another common reason for vaginal wetness is simply just sweat. It might be the general area you’re in, but it could also be the type of underwear you’re wearing or how bushy your pubic hair is. And if you’ve got sexy thick thighs, vaginal sweat is more likely to happen.

Other factors that might be giving you a WAP while you’re not sexually aroused might be stress, your mental health, and any other medication you might be taking.

Related: I Tried CBD Lube & This is What Happened…

When should I worry then?

Alright, maybe having a WAP isn’t ALWAYS a good thing, but it’s your wet vagina letting you know that there’s something wrong. So that’s still cool. Pay attention to the vaginal discharge, its color, the texture, its smell, and its consistency so you know when to see the doctor. Though your vagina’s a strong, independent self-cleaning organ, there are some battles that need reinforcement in the form of suppositories or oral medication.

Vaginal Discharge Infographic

Infographic by UnityPoint

Now go listen to this song dedicated to women and people with vulvas who love sex. Wet vaginas for the win.

Photo by Lewis Fagg

Related:

Your Sexy Guide To Body Safe Lubricants – Part 1

CatalystCon – Toys For A Sex Abled Life

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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CatalystCon features speakers from all over the country and beyond twice a year, and the topics covered this weekend ranged from navigating alternative lifestyles to erotic hypnosis to slut shaming to porn journalism to online harassment, and many, many more.

The opening keynote event was Sparking Communication in Sexuality, Activism and Acceptance with Alex S. Morgan, Dr. Chris Donaghue, Jenny Block, Mireille Miller-Young, PhD, moderated by Tristan Taormino. Closing keynote was with Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations.

But the highlight for me was attending Toys For a SexAbled Life: Fun, unique and adaptable ways to give and receive satisfying pleasure with erotic toys with Robin Wilson-Beattie and Bethany Steven, J.D., M.A. who were highly entertaining right from the beginning. They began with an ice-breaker where everyone in the audience gave their personal reason for attending the seminar. There were veterans with PTSD, a woman coping with Multiple Sclerosis, a child of disabled parents, a woman with a shallow vagina, someone with chemical sensitivities – and of course myself, as I’ve been trying to get manufacturers to make sex toys for people with disabilities and limitations for twenty years. It was more than an ice-breaker – it was an eye-opener to realize how varied disabilities can be, and how important it is to talk about how we can all have better sex.

Robin&Bethany (1)My favorite moments in the talk were the shared personal stories, which were so heart-warming and enlightening, not to mention useful. Robin told a cautionary story about falling asleep with a cheap vibrator and burning her vulva. Obviously she was adamant about the importance of buying high quality toys.

Bethany and Robin cited many toys for being ‘disabled-friendly,’ such as Liberator’s toy mount sex furniture. They cited clinical sexologist and speaker Dr. Marylou Naccarato who told her about the Liberator sex furniture which is great if you are small, big, or if you have no arms, or if your arms are not long enough to reach your genitals. It’s also good for stroke victims who may have paralysis on one side. You can rock with it, and insert your favorite toy – for either gender.

Bethany got this Liberator toy mount as a wedding present from renowned sexologist Dr. Mitch Tepper and she gave it to Robin as a teaching tool. Here she has it mounted with a Fleshlight masturbator, but you can insert many types of vibrators or dildos.

Robin with FleshlightShe also mentioned that if you can’t afford sex furniture, you can use pillows.

Other toys mentioned were the Revel Body with its long extended handle, Sportsheets that fit Velcro attachments and wash off easy for squirting or accidents, and gloves for dexterity pain, which give you added grip.

The suggested best BDSM paddle was by Tantus, chosen for its light weight and they also talked about using the St. Andrew’s Cross on the floor for disabled access.

The Perfect Stroke by Zero Tolerance was suggested for its ability to accommodate a flaccid penis, while Hot Octopus solo and duo versions were called out for their unique oscillating technology.

Like everyone, many disabled people have parts of their bodies that they are most sensitive about. Bethany was self-conscious about the small size of her feet, until her partner told her how much she loved her feet and how sexy they were. This aroused them both, culminating in the most amazing sexual experience where she actually penetrated her partner with her foot. She said that having sex in a wheelchair makes all kinds of positions possible, however one of her fantasies is to actually have sex with her wheelchair, and she’s open to suggestions on how to do it!

On the trade room floor, I got the scoop from the latest at We-Vibe, who just got distribution in China, which is great since I was just showing the We-vibe in China last week and the women went crazy for it.

We-VibeJenny Block wowed her audience at her keynote speech about discovering your ultimate orgasm. Sexpert.com has a free excerpt of her fabulous book O Wow here.

JennyBlock&AvaI bought the last copy of Dr. Carol Queen and Shar Rednour’s book The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex For Everyone. Stay tuned for a review in the Books section.

Carol Queen Book (1)Here I am with Tamar and Raymond Reilly, sex surrogates who are getting their doctorates this year, with their dog Zen.

Tamar&Ray&Ava&Zen (1)Dr. Katie Loree, psychotherapist and MFT here in Los Angeles. She specializes in polyamorous relationships.

KatePrivate Gym sponsored the event, along with Blewit!, We-vibe, Uber Lube and Good Vibrations.

SponsorsMy only regret is that I couldn’t attend the memorial for my dear friend and feminist porn pioneer Candida Royalle. Candida changed the face of adult filmmaking by daring to take a women’s perspective, making films with real story lines and natural performers. She brought class, dignity and female empowerment to the industry.

Candida RoyalleI treasure having spent time with Candida at last year’s CatalystCon, with her “Club90” pals Annie Sprinkle, Jane Hamilton, Veronica Vera and the memory of Gloria Leonard.

She was one of a kind and will be truly missed.

 

Interview With Sitara Devi, Modern Courtesan

By
Valerie Baber
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New York based East Indian courtesan, Sitara Devi, is candid in her description of why men pay $1,500 for a brief encounter with her. She says that while men do value looks, a woman has to offer more than that to win over the VIP clientele she entertains. She is spiritually and intellectually elevated. She’s well-spoken with a magnetic energy and a charitable heart.

With long chocolate locks, smooth dark beige skin, a luscious derriere that is most en vogue, and a body limber from Yoga classes, she would easily fulfill the fantasy of any man or couple who has a curiosity about the charms of a Bollywood beauty or Hindu love goddess. She considers this an untapped market that is growing right along with the visibility of Indian women in media and in the workplace.

“A lot of my clients are non-indian men that have a budding desire in them because they don’t have access to her (Indian women) but the lust for her has been building in them.”

In my interview with the erotic, multicultural companion and sacred sexuality guide, Sitara told her unique story of going against the societal grain to follow her true life calling in erotic servitude to those seeking a deep, meaningful, soul connection in their intimate encounters.

There are “guidelines” for Indian women, she says. “You become a doctor, you meet a suitable Indian guy, you have kids…”. Although she did follow social norms to the extent  of receiving a Master’s degree and a notable professional résumé, she discovered that the freedom to exercise her true life calling was far more rewarding than following the traditional “blueprint” that was expected of her as an Indian woman.

“Indian woman are raised with the ‘good Indian girl’ stereotype. It’s a total lie. There’s a lot of pressure in my culture for women to be a certain way. I’ve met a lot of Indian women who are not happy having followed that or don’t have the same class and grace and well-roundedness that I have because of all the different paths that my life has taken.”

Sitara feels liberated by her unusual path. Not only is she confident about breaking free of the pressures of society to do certain things or play a certain role, she is passionate about providing clients with a safe space to do the same. “For me, sexuality is sacred. When two people strip away all the roles they have to play and let go of the heavy societal conditioning that they hold, they can have access to something in that moment that connects them to Divine Source, that takes them to a higher experience orgasmically.”

To her, eroticism is godliness, and she feels that most people are too trapped in their everyday pressures to truly let go and experience the sexual bliss they deserve, which is why it’s paramount to her to help people tap into a more relaxed physical state and higher spiritual frequency during their sessions. “Men on our planet are so hungry for emotional intimacy where they get to lay down all the shields that they’re holding. They don’t have to be masculine. They can allow themselves to relax and just be themselves. Conscious touch, not robotic, is something that men are missing.”

Sitara considers herself a lifestyle coach as well, and client’s often request her guidance to be able to call upon this spiritual source of pleasure even when they aren’t with her. She speaks about her work with clients of various backgrounds and physical abilities with pride because she enjoys helping people who face challenges like social anxiety, deep psychological blocks, or serious physical limitations. She insists that her profession makes her feels closer to her ancient roots, which she explains are heavily tied to sexuality.

“Hindu mythology is full of stories where the woman is both strong and feminine. She is both soft and a heroine at the same time. She is goddess and warrior.” In one famous story, Draupadi, an important female character in the Mahabharata (a Hindu epic) was married to five men. Sitara compares herself to this ancient princess. “I am a big believer that no one person can fulfill all our needs. I feel very lucky that I have the ability to have different men in my life which help serve different needs and I serve one need in their life.”

As a practitioner and teacher of tantric philosophy, Sitara believes her career as a pleasure provider is ideal for her. She feels “aligned with the goddess archetype” and thoroughly enjoys focusing her efforts on providing clients with an escape into a heightened sense of connection and fulfillment. It is important for her to continuously better herself as a sacred sexuality guide by taking classes and workshops where they’re available to her and what she takes away, she incorporates in private time with her clients.

“I have taken ample classes by different well-known instructors in the world of sacred sexuality, tantra, mind body souls, healing.” When telling me how yoga carries over to her work, she explained that the “fundamentals of yoga is about breath, it’s about awareness, it’s about presence, it’s about being in the moment. We [usually] engage with sexuality in a very hard and fast way but I prefer long, extended dates because I really enjoy men dropping all elements on what they have on the outside.” For her, yoga is among other philosophies that she believes enhance intimate experiences, but of course, it has other benefits. “I can do some pretty fun things with it in the bedroom.”

And what about those other women in her clients’ lives? Does she have any thoughts about them or resentment towards her married clients for coming to see her privately? She thinks nothing negative about her work, her clients or the other women at all. “I feel like I am an outlet where a man can release a lot of his tension so that when he goes home to his wife, he feels more relaxed and there’s less drain on their marriage. I give her man a sense of freedom so that she has a lighter load when he goes back home to her. I’m a sort of peacekeeper.”

Her positive approach towards life and her erotic services shine through in every statement she makes. Time with her is what she describes as experiential and her ability to provide a unique and spiritually elevating way for her clients is her deepest joy. She is not someone who is bound to “the conditioning of the 21st century girl” or focused only on the exterior. She is a woman who is in the fortunate position of being truly in touch with the “life force”, which she explains is our radiance, energy and vitality – all coming from our sexuality, and she holds that sacred. “I see it as a gift.”

sitara-devi-2

11 Surprising Relationship Tips From A Divorce Lawyer

By
Joryn Jenkins Esq.
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As a family law attorney, I work with many couples who have made the hard decision to divorce. Having worked with couples from all different backgrounds and age groups, it takes a lot to surprise me, and I’ve seen just about every reason why people decide to separate.

While there’s nothing funny about divorce, my friends jokingly say that I am qualified to be a relationship expert with all the clients I have helped go through the process. It’s true that when you’ve worked with as many couples as I have, listening to their stories of why their marriage fell apart, it really opens your eyes to what makes a strong and thriving marriage, and what makes one not last.

Here are 11 relationship tips I’ve learned from my time in family law.

Understand That Marriage Is Hard Work

Commence your marriage with the idea that you will both work together on “being married” every day. Being married is not a state of being, it is a work in progress. And it is work. So don’t ignore problems when you first notice them. Work on them before they blow up and explode. Treat your spouse like a date every day. Notice the little things that attracted you to begin with and enjoy them every day. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t allow familiarity to breed contempt.

Understand That Your Spouse-to-be Will Not Change

My divorcing clients share why they are getting divorced and that they often knew about their spouse’s behavior “flaw” or their relationship disconnect prior to getting married. About 95% of the time, they believed that it would change. Your spouse will not change, and, in fact, those little imperfections will only worsen over time. Realize early what they are, and determine if you can live with them forever before you tie the knot.

Consider Whether To Sign A Prenuptial Agreement

It gives you a way out – marriage is a forever commitment. Do you really want that? If you’re not ready to promise that you will stay together through thick or thin, perhaps you should not get married. While most attorneys will advise that a prenuptial agreement is a wise financial move, a wiser move is to wait to marry someone to whom you can really make that permanent pledge.

 Marry Someone Who Shares Your Financial Views

Money is the most common cause of divorce. Folks have diverse philosophies about how to handle finances and, once they are teamed together in marriage, never really address how to harmonize their different value systems. They start out in love, and small disconnects go unnoticed. Later, when they are comfortable, they overlook larger disconnects. Later still, they discount them. At some point, their differences become too great to ignore and they can’t make excuses anymore. Because the couple has never learned to address them, the financial issues have caused rifts in their abilities to communicate, to problem solve, and to grow together.

Decide To Grow Together

Let’s talk about finances again. Many people marry before they have solidified their views on many issues, spending included. So take classes on spending, on child rearing, on religion, and on other sensitive topics before the issues start raising their ugly heads. Get educated together. This will ensure that you both have the same information. Then decide together how you will handle complex issues, before they arise and become emotional.

Go To A Marriage Counselor Early And Often

Seeing a counselor should not be an admission of failure, it should be like signing up for guitar lessons or for Tae Kwon Do. If you can’t think of a good reason to go, I can: go to work on your communication, problem-solving, or co-parenting skills.

Ensure One Day Off Together Once A Week

Maintaining a strong relationship takes time spent together. Stay in bed together one morning a week and talk, in bed. No agenda. Well, if there’s any agenda, it’s just to cuddle. If you have to brush your teeth first, get up and do that and then get back in bed. Lock the door; no kids. Cuddle. (One of you needs that, and the other one will find that s/he enjoys it more than s/he thinks s/he will.)

Share A Hobby

Again, it is important to spend time together. You don’t have to share all of the same hobbies, but it is important to share most of them, considering that our hobbies consume much of what little free time we enjoy. Run races. Play golf. Watch movies. Play music together. My husband insists on running the weekend errands with me, instead of splitting up to get them done in twice the time. (I brag about this all the time, even though he first made this declaration 22 years ago!) Whatever interests you share, engage in them together. And if you don’t share them, then one of you must change your interest. My husband took up golf; I had no interest. But he was spending six hours every week out on a golf course somewhere so I took it up, too. I developed an interest, if not in the sport itself, at least in the nature I enjoyed while out on the course, and, more importantly, in the talking we did while we were out there.

Shower Or Bathe Together Often

My husband and I purposely installed a double-headed shower. At least twice a week, we shower at the same time. It’s a great time to plan, and especially to discuss matters outside of the hearing of little ears. My associate’s parents bathed together every night, and she and her husband now follow that same practice. It is a great time to unwind. Either way, it’s easy to add to busy schedules because you both need to bathe, so you’re not adding anything additional to your schedules. And it’s good to be naked with each other every day. It is something private and special that you only share with another, so it will keep you connected. And you never know where it will lead! Which segues into my next tip….

Never Stop Having Sex

It is the one thing that you share together that you do not share with anyone else. Even if you are best friends, you are more than that. You are spouses whose relationship initially grew because of your sexual intimacy with one another. Sex is a basic, biological need. As a married couple, you depend on one another to meet this need. Even if you are tired, not in the mood, or not even attracted to your spouse in that moment, make sex a regular part of your relationship. Vow to make love at least once a week. If you get to the end of a week without having done so, do whatever it takes to be intimate before the clock strikes midnight on the seventh day. It will also add an element of fun to your relationship!

Know That The Grass Isn’t Greener

While it may be tempting to explore a new, exciting, attractive, and interesting person, remember that every person comes with his or her own set of flaws. The turmoil that an affair brings with it is not worth the excitement, and people do not end up any happier once the dust settles. Be happy with the one you have, and actively work together to remember why you chose each other.

Don’t Give Up Too Soon

Remember that you vowed to be together “for better or for worse,” and sometimes, it’s a “for worse” period. But, this too shall pass. The good times will return if you weather the storm together and don’t jump ship.

Erika Jordan’s ‘Advice For Men’ – Best Sex Positions For Anal

By
Erika Jordan
-

This video gives you the very hot low-down on which sex positions can become anal sex positions, giving them a super-charged erotic twist. Erika’s here to spice up your Netflix & chill evening.

Come find me at PlaymatePickup.com My six week course, The Art Of PickUp is available with personalized guidance at Virtual Sexpert.com. Acquire the skills to approach women with confidence and get them to want you!

How To Make Love To A Penis

By
Valerie Baber
-
oral sex

Among the many lessons I’ve learned from the men in my life, one that may come as a particular surprise to women is that not all blowjobs are created equal. In fact, there is such a thing as a bad blow job, and men are disappointed with their partners’ orals skills more than ladies may know. Why? “She was just trying to hurry up and get the job done,” is an explanation I hear over and over again.

Although women do earn kudos for being proactive in bed, many of them seem to be going through the motions, something men actually do notice and do experience frustration with.

While there is a time and a place for all techniques, we ladies must remember that we aren’t the only gender who appreciates slow sensuality and the art of lovemaking. Men may not vocalize it, but they also like moments of non-penetrative body worship. Even if he doesn’t yet know the pleasures of cock-amory, if you will, trust that he’ll want more of it after you orally express your loving desire for his lingam.

So how exactly does one “make love to the penis,” as one of my frustrated male friends described it? Slow down, baby, and become more involved.

Remember that he has sensitivity around his cock, not just in it, and that licking, kissing and sucking not just his dick, but other areas very close by can create a sensational buildup and delightful breaks in between those moments your mouth is full of phallus. Guys go nuts over their nuts being played with and I’ve never met a man who didn’t welcome his perineum being teased.

Use your tongue, not just your lips, when you work your way up and down his dick, and remember that the varied use of a free hand will create a more robust sensation when combined with your sensual suck.

Men aren’t always looking for a jerking up and down motion, they actually love to be stroked, tickled and caressed while your mouth is exploring his body and capturing his gentle reactions to your controlled, wet, movements. Try gently and slowly stroking his shaft while also softly sucking a testicle. Or, try teasing just the dense nerve endings of his glans and corona with the inside of your lips while massaging his taint or his anus.

There are so many different bits to give attention to and so many ways to do it, so if you think you may be stuck in an oral rut, definitely try to slow it down and switch things up. Oral sex is not Daft Punk. Harder, faster and stronger does not mean better.

Again, there’s a time and place for everything, but if we stop thinking of giving oral sex as a motion that must quickly be completed, and start treating the act like his body is poetry rolling off our tongues and feathers under our fingertips, you may find that your skills quickly earn the title of “best blowjob ever.”

Yes, ladies, men do want to be made love to, and so do their penises.

The Realities of Sexual Fantasies

By
Bobby Morgan
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Image by Сергей Катышкин from Pixabay

We All Have Sexual Fantasies

Even if you think your fantasy is weird or might freak out your partner, chances are, that your fantasy is not all that unusual. It’s a safe bet that your partner has fantasies, too.

In October 2014, a group of scientists at the University of Montreal published a study that asked 1,517 adult men and women residing in Quebec about their sexual fantasies. (How cool would it be to have that job?)

Top Female Fantasies

The study found the Top 10 fantasies among women were:

1. The location is specified: 27.2% (No. 6 for men: 11.3%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 21.4%; public place (e.g., office, restrooms, bar, aircraft, etc.): 5.8%

2. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 20.1% (No. 10 for men: 7.9%)

3. Focus on own submissive behavior: 18.8% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

4. Specifically involves a stranger: 14.3% (No. 24 for men: 1.9%)

5. The type of ambience is specified: 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 28 fantasy for men)

6. Exhibitionism: 8.9% (No. 23 for men: 1.9%)

7. Involves homosexual activities: 8.2% (No. 7 for men: 8.2%)

8. Group sex: 7.8% (No. 9 for men – with men and women or only women: 8.1%)
– Active role with men and women: 3.9%; passive role surrounded by men: 3.9%

9. Specifically refers to an authority figure or a celebrity: 7.1% (No. 14 for men: 4.2%)

10. Involves a sexual object: 6.5%

Top Male Fantasies

The Top 10 fantasies among men were:

1. Voyeurism: 15.0% (No. 11 for women: 3.9%)
– Watching a spouse having sex with another man: 8.4%; alone, spying an unaware stranger: 3.3%; watching spouse having sex with another woman: 3.3%

2. Fetishism: 14.0% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)

3. Threesomes: 12.6% (No. 13 for women: 3.2%)
– With strangers or acquaintances: 7.0%; with a spouse: 5.6%

4. Oral sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (Not reported as a Top 19 fantasy for women)
– Receiver (fellatio): 10.8%; giver (cunnilingus): 3.3%

5. Anal sex (non-homosexual): 11.7% (No. 19 for women (as a receiver): 1.3%)
– Receiver (with a strap-on or shemales): 6.1%; giver with a woman: 5.6%

6. Location-specific: 11.3% (No. 1 with women: 27.2%)
– Exotic or unusual private place (e.g., deserted beach, swimming pool, forest): 7.5%; public place (e.g., office, restaurant, bar, aircraft): 3.8%

7. Homosexual activities: 8.9% (No. 7 for women: 8.2%)

8. Involves an acquaintance: 8.5% (No. 18 for women: 1.3%)

9. Group sex (with men and women or only women): 8.1% (No. 8 for women: 7.8%)
– Active role: 7.5%; passive role: 0.6%

10. Spouse or current lover is exclusively involved: 7.9% (No. 2 for women: 20.1%)

What Fantasies are Typical?

In all, five sexual fantasies in the study were statistically typical and endorsed by more than 84.1% of participants — feeling romantic emotions during a sexual relationship, fantasies in which atmosphere and location are important, and fantasies involving a romantic location; receiving oral sex, and having sexual intercourse with two women. Among the remaining sexual fantasies, 23 were common in men and 11 were common in women.

What Fantasies are Rare?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, two sexual fantasies were found to be statistically rare (endorsed by 2.3% or less of participants) — having sex with a child under the age of 12 (0.8% of women and 1.8% of men) and having sex with an animal (3% of women and 2.2% of men). Among the 53 sexual fantasies studied in the survey, nine were statistically unusual (endorsed by 15.9% or less of participants) — seven for women (urinating on partner, 3.5%; being urinated on, 3.5%; wearing clothes of the opposite gender, 6.9%; forcing someone to have sex, 10.8%; abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious, 10.8%; having sex with a prostitute, 12.5%; and having sex with a women who has very small breasts, 10.8%) and four for men (urinating on partner, 8.9%; being urinated on, 10.0%; having sex with two other men, 15.8%; having sex with more than three other men, 13.1%).

“Many fantasies that one might suspect would be unusual are, in fact, endorsed by a significant portion of individuals,” says Dr. Richard Krueger, MD, an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York City who was not a researcher that was part of the study. “Yet this doesn’t mean that these are pathological at all. It just means that people have them. The only way that it becomes pathological is if it involves distress, dysfunction, or action on a non-consenting person.”

Does it Mean You Want it in Real Life?

While many women who took part in the survey expressed more extreme fantasies, especially of submission and domination by a stranger, they say that they never want these fantasies to come true. However, the majority of men that took part in the survey have more fantasies than women, express them much more vividly, and would love their fantasies to come true, especially threesomes.

But let’s say that you have a fantasy your partner doesn’t want to act out, let alone talk about, or if you don’t have currently have a partner. Perhaps you have a fantasy that will never play out in your life or is socially taboo.

“Having (fantasies) does not automatically translate into wanting to act them out,” says Michael Wiederman, a professor of psychology at Columbia College in South Carolina. “Perhaps it’s the assumption that fantasies say something about desired behavior that leads some people to feel guilty about their sexual fantasies. However, by definition, fantasies are safe (no one is actually hurt in real life) and they can end the way the fantasizer desires. Conversely, attempts to act out fantasies frequently result in less than desirable experiences. So, as long as your fantasies remain just that, you can give yourself permission to enjoy that aspect of your sexuality without guilt or concern about normality.”

Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/the-realities-of-fantasies/

Q & A With Creators Of “The Elator”

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
-

At the Sexual Health Expo this year I met with a dynamic couple, Mark and Lisa Schneider, who have created a brand new device called The Elator. It’s so simple, yet it’s quite revolutionary because it’s completely natural and custom fit for every penis. The trick is, you need to measure your penis so that they can send you your individual custom-fit Elator. So you can’t lie about your size!

We connected at my seminar for Sex & Disabilities where they were interested in reaching out to men with issues like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer recovery or men with spinal cord injuries who could all benefit from The Elator.

I’m happy to introduce them to my Sexpert audience because I’m a great believer that any product that help people have better sex is valuable and can lead to a happier life. I interviewed them to find out more information on why and how they came to create the Elator.

Lisa & Mark - Elator1. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED AND HOW DID YOU DECIDE TO START WORKING TOGETHER?

Mark and I just celebrated 9 very happy years of marriage on September 20th, 2015. We decided to work together because we both share the same passion of the desire to become young entrepreneurs. I had been working in Corporate America for years holding demanding management positions that honestly became unattractive after awhile.   After having two beautiful children together and in order to find a healthy balance in life we decided to go for it. Being that I have 20 years of experience with sales and marketing and Mark had 20 years of design and R & D experience, we felt that our skill sets highly complimented each other talents, which is an awesome formula for success.

2. HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED IN SOLVING ISSUES WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?

Mark’s father has a condition called Venus Leakage which involves the valve that holds the blood in the penis. When one suffers from Venus, the blood flow becomes weak and therefore he had challenges with erectile frequency. Mark’s Father researched external penile support device and found answers among a group of inventors. These inventors were looking for successful individuals that would take their product to market. The device was intriguing for both Mark and for a few reasons; we both lead healthy, natural lifestyles and natural products appeal to us. Being a happily married couple with a healthy sex life, we felt the desire to help other couples that may not be as fortunate. We believe that all couples should be able to be intimate, even those with challenges with Erectile Dysfunction. We felt that it wasn’t fair that only unnatural solutions were available to those that suffered. It was then that we knew we wanted to help couples all around the world and present them with a natural solution., The Elator.

3. HOW IS THE ELATOR DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER ED PRODUCTS ON THE MARKET?

There is nothing like the Elator on the market. The Elator is an ultra thin but durable wearable support device. It’s basically a support splint that allows men to have intercourse without an erection. The Elator has no side effects, which is very different than what other ED products face.

  • For example, ED pills and prescription medications are highly ineffective in roughly 30% of men and have a long list of dangerous side effects.
  • The vacuum pump does not allow men to achieve a full erection and leaves their penis only 80%-90% engorged for a short period of time, depending if a clamp is used.
  • Injections and suppositories are not always effective and are very painful to administer
  • Surgery is very expensive, invasive and come with great risk with many possible complications.

4. WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF USING THE ELATOR?

Pros:

  • The Elator can be attached and ready for intercourse in less then 30 seconds
  • No reported side effects
  • Cost effective – A custom Elator is only $298.00 and allows for nearly 4 years of use
  • No risk of losing your erection
  • Allows you to have intercourse as long as you like even after ejaculation

Cons:

  • Measuring your penis can be tricky. Approximately 25% of the time it requires an additional shaft.
  • Initial investment may seem a bit expensive for some men because it is not yet covered by medical insurance.
  • The gentle sensation of the shaft may take some getting use to for both the man or woman

5. DO MEN NEED TO SHAVE?

It’s not required but some men choose to. The only area that could pinch or pull hair is where the back of the Elator attaches to the base ring.

6. HOW LONG CAN IT STAY ON?

As long as the man or woman is physically capable.

7. HOW CAN A WOMAN INTRODUCE THE ELATOR TO HER PARTNER WHOM SHE THINKS MIGHT BENEFIT FROM IT?

A woman may introduce the Elator to her partner as a simple and effective natural solution that has been especially designed for a healthy sex life. It can be encouraged for a simple way to have intercourse never like before. One that will increase intimacy within a relationship. It can also be positioned for those moments where by erectile frequency may be a challenge. Just by keeping in the night stand drawers helps the confidence levels to know that its there, just in case.

8. HOW CAN A GUY LET A NEW PARTNER KNOW THAT HE’S GOING TO USE THE DEVICE?

Communication is critical in any relationship. It is important for the man to share his feelings as to how important intimacy is when in a relationship. It is essential to include your partner when discussing options for ED treatment and possible ED solutions. Communication about ED may be uncomfortable, however it plays a significant part to relieve unwanted stress. Resilient communication creates a strong bond within a relationship for those struggling with erectile dysfunction. With each conversation, those involved may experience unexpected highs and lows. It is critical to have a loving, compassionate partner to be patient and supportive through the process. Physical connection is essential in any healthy relationship and this connection should be your end goal no matter what obstacles are involved. It is imperative to unite and agree that you are in this together and together you will prevail with the device.

9. WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION MEN ASK ABOUT THE ELATOR?

How do I measure my penis? We have an online video on YouTube which addresses this question. https://youtu.be/AokWVYxpzY4

Will it hurt my partner? No, it will not hurt my partner. In addition, it is made with medical grade silicon which is safe for woman.

10. WHAT ARE THE REACTIONS OF WOMEN WHOSE PARTNERS USE IT? CAN THEY FEEL IT DURING PENETRATION? 

Our feed back has been consistent. Women say they don’t feel the front loop because it is gently tucked behind the head of the penis. Woman have reported they slightly feel the support bars on the bottom but it is not painful or uncomfortable. In some instances it actually feels like an erect penis.

11. WHERE IS THE ELATOR AVAILABLE?

The device is available worldwide. Due to its custom nature we ship everything from San Diego, California.

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER PRODUCTS IN THE WORKS?

We are working on vibrating attachment to the base ring.

Read more in the USA today panel of experts by Mark Schneider.

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