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9 Funny But True Penis Facts: Instruction Manual

By
Dr. TaMara Griffin
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Sex length

Mr. Penis doesn’t come with a set of instructions, so many people don’t quite know how to use him properly in order to maximize his amazing potential. And sometimes, even his owner doesn’t know exactly how to clearly communicate his needs. To unearth the folklore of this flaccid and erect member of society and to help provide you with some tips to provide it with ultimate pleasure, here are 9 helpful penis facts that will help address some of the common questions, myths, and misconceptions.

Fact 1: It’s A Delicate Organ

Although men often project a tough exterior and act like their penises are akin to baseball bats, the penis is actually a delicate organ comprised of an intricate system of flesh, tissue, blood vessels and nerves. The penis is both a reproductive and excretory organ. It has three main functions: (1) urination; (2) sexual pleasure; (3) reproduction. And while there are many great pretenders and colorful imitators at adult novelty stores, nothing can compare to the real thing.

Fact 2: You Can Fracture A Penis

A penile fracture results from a rupture to the muscular fibers and tissues. This is usually caused by blunt trauma or unnecessary roughness during sexual intercourse or masturbation. A penile fracture is an excruciatingly painful medical emergency that usually requires surgery to repair. Another unfortunate side effect of a penile fracture is that it may result in long-term complications. So the next time you’re ready to ride’em Cowgirl, ease up on the reverse cowgirl, as this position tends to be the notorious nemesis.

Fact 3: Big Feet Does Not Equal Big Penis

The rumor that you can tell the size of a man’s penis by the size of his feet is absolutely not true! There is no scientific data to support this belief. In fact, there is no real way of determining the size of a penis unless you actually take a look. The average flaccid length is approximately 3 to 4 inches and the average erect penis is around 5 to 7 inches long. The flaccid circumference/girth averages 3.5 to 3.9 inches and the erect circumference is around 4.7 inches. So think twice before sizing a man up by the size of his shoes; you just might be in for a big disappointment or perhaps the best surprise of your life!

Fact 4: “Blue Balls” Is A Real Thing

A lot of times men will try to use this excuse to “get some action,” but in some cases he is actually telling the truth. Here are the facts. “Blue balls” results from a prolonged state of sexual arousal. When a man is turned on, blood flows to his penis giving him an erection and causing his testicles to swell. If he doesn’t ejaculate, there is a buildup of pressure through a process called vasocongestion. As the fluid builds up, it causes the tubes at the back of the testicles to stretch, which can cause mild to severe pain in the testicles and/or dull aching in the prostate gland. Usually an orgasm from sex or a good ole hand job will take care of it. And just in case you’re wondering why it’s called blue balls, it’s because the blood has been in the testicles for a while causing them to lose oxygen, thus giving the appearance of a bluish tint.

Fact 5: Size Is Not An Indicator Of Performance

Big things sometimes come in little packages. By and large, no pun intended, penis size is not an indicator of sexual performance or sexual pleasure. The vagina is flexible and can contract or expand to accommodate the size of the penis, and in addition, sexual position, clitoris play and sexual enhancers such as pillows can make up for where the penis may be well endowed or lack in length. Some oral skills and a lot of enthusiasm can make up for size any day.

Fact 6: Penises Love More Than Deep Throat

Pleasuring a penis involves more than deep throat sucking. Although many people believe that deep throating is the only way to suck a penis, there are many other ways to bring it to ejaculation. Try kissing, licking, sucking, and stroking the penis with different oral and hand techniques. Shower it with affection! Do not be afraid to have a love affair with the penis. The more responsive and excited you are, the more likely the penis will rise to the occasion.

Fact 7: Drinking, Drugs, And Penises Don’t Mix

If you’re planning on a BIG (pun intended) night of passionate and intense sex, then cut back or even hold off on drinking and drug use. In the beginning, a man may experience normal desires and sex but this soon changes as the alcohol and drugs begin effect his body. Contrary to popular belief, drinking alcohol and smoking does not produce, prolong or enhance sexual performance. It actually has the opposite effect, meaning that it can make it even more difficult for the penis to get or maintain an erection. Substances can also greatly damage blood vessels in the penis. If the blood vessels are damaged, blood flow to the penis will be impaired. In fact, long-term substance use/abuse can contribute to long term sexual dysfunctions – including erectile dysfunction.

Fact 8: All Penises Change Over Time

Change is inevitable! As we age, our bodies age. In the case of the penis, some of the changes that might occur include: color, decreased sensitivity, hair loss and shrinkage. In addition, as men age, testosterone levels will decrease. Testosterone helps support nervous tissue, so when levels start to drop, there will be a decrease in desire and sensitivity, making it more difficult to reach orgasm. Although erectile dysfunction is not inevitable, with each passing decade the statistics indicate that by age 40 nearly 50% of men begin to experience erectile dysfunction. This number increases by 10% with each passing decade. Try not to be discouraged, it’s just part of the process of aging, and there are exercises that can help.

Fact 9: A Ménage A Trois Is A Must

The penis and his two friends, the testicles aka the balls, are always down for a good threesome! Many people tend to shy away from the testicles during sex play. However, there are a lot of men that enjoy a little extra attention on their testicles. Try cupping them, giving them a little tug, licking them or even putting them in your mouth. The next time you want to spice things up or include a little extra pleasure in your sexual repertoire, a rendezvous with the three of them is the perfect place to start. A note of caution: Because the testicles are extremely sensitive, use caution when handling.

In order to provide optimal sexual pleasure and satisfaction to Mr. Penis, you need to keep an open mind, know the facts, consult the owner and make changes as needed!

Back To Basics – Sexual Positions

By
Dr. TaMara Griffin
-

When it comes sex, we often get so caught up in orgasms and “goal oriented” sex that we miss the mark. We are so busy trying to impress each other with our sexual prowess that we forget the simple pleasures of good ol’ fashioned sex! These three basic sexual positions will bring you back to that space of connection and romance that inevitably leads to deeper satisfaction.

Missionary

Good Ol’ Missionary Position is one of the most romantic sex positions there is. Face to face and heart to heart, it allows partners to intimately connect on a deeper and more meaningful level. The bodies are in alignment and easy entry into the vagina means you’re not angling for any acrobatics – you’re just focused on each other. Partners are able to gaze into each other’s eyes, breathe together, take long passionate kisses, maintain body-to-body closeness, and synchronize their movements. Take your time and enjoy the pose that makes penetration more satisfying, often leading to intense orgasms for women and men.

Woman On Top

Woman on Top Position, in any variation, includes positions like “Cowgirl” “Reverse Cowgirl” “The Lotus” “Yab-Yum” etc. Women love these positions because they allow them to be able to control the speed, angle and depth of penetration. When a woman is on top, it makes it easier for her to move in a way that feels more pleasurable for her. The man’s hands are free to roam and stimulate other pleasure points of her body such as: breast, back, butt, etc., which also helps to increase her body’s sensitivity. These positions also offer direct stimulation of the clitoris and G-spot which can maximize her chances of having an orgasm.

Spooning

With spooning positions both partners can cuddle closely together. The angle of this position puts pressure in all the right places for both partners. Although spooning does not allow for eye contact, it offers a nuzzling closeness that’s hard to beat. Similarly to the woman on top positions, spooning positions allows the man all access to all the pleasure points on the woman’s body. Her partner can caress her stomach, breast, neck, and clitoris. Another reason this position is so popular is because of the full-body contact which allows for cuddling and low-intensity sex that can last for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a sweaty, highly charge, acrobatic sex session. However, sometimes we need to take back to the basics. With these three sexual positions, you can not go wrong.

How To Make Love To A Penis

By
Valerie Baber
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oral sex

Among the many lessons I’ve learned from the men in my life, one that may come as a particular surprise to women is that not all blowjobs are created equal. In fact, there is such a thing as a bad blow job, and men are disappointed with their partners’ orals skills more than ladies may know. Why? “She was just trying to hurry up and get the job done,” is an explanation I hear over and over again.

Although women do earn kudos for being proactive in bed, many of them seem to be going through the motions, something men actually do notice and do experience frustration with.

While there is a time and a place for all techniques, we ladies must remember that we aren’t the only gender who appreciates slow sensuality and the art of lovemaking. Men may not vocalize it, but they also like moments of non-penetrative body worship. Even if he doesn’t yet know the pleasures of cock-amory, if you will, trust that he’ll want more of it after you orally express your loving desire for his lingam.

So how exactly does one “make love to the penis,” as one of my frustrated male friends described it? Slow down, baby, and become more involved.

Remember that he has sensitivity around his cock, not just in it, and that licking, kissing and sucking not just his dick, but other areas very close by can create a sensational buildup and delightful breaks in between those moments your mouth is full of phallus. Guys go nuts over their nuts being played with and I’ve never met a man who didn’t welcome his perineum being teased.

Use your tongue, not just your lips, when you work your way up and down his dick, and remember that the varied use of a free hand will create a more robust sensation when combined with your sensual suck.

Men aren’t always looking for a jerking up and down motion, they actually love to be stroked, tickled and caressed while your mouth is exploring his body and capturing his gentle reactions to your controlled, wet, movements. Try gently and slowly stroking his shaft while also softly sucking a testicle. Or, try teasing just the dense nerve endings of his glans and corona with the inside of your lips while massaging his taint or his anus.

There are so many different bits to give attention to and so many ways to do it, so if you think you may be stuck in an oral rut, definitely try to slow it down and switch things up. Oral sex is not Daft Punk. Harder, faster and stronger does not mean better.

Again, there’s a time and place for everything, but if we stop thinking of giving oral sex as a motion that must quickly be completed, and start treating the act like his body is poetry rolling off our tongues and feathers under our fingertips, you may find that your skills quickly earn the title of “best blowjob ever.”

Yes, ladies, men do want to be made love to, and so do their penises.

How To Make A Threesome Happen

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
-

Couples can’t always give each other everything they need sexually in a long-term relationship. Sometimes introducing a third person is exactly what you both want to keep your sex life fresh with novelty. Engaging in a threesome can be one of the most memorable sexual experiences a couple can have, but make sure the memories are positive.

Communication is key when it comes to opening up your relationship to a third person. Don’t gloss over your wants and needs before you dive in to the experience. If you feel strongly that there shouldn’t be penetration for example, say so. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for resentments and jealousy. Laying down a basic set of guidelines allows more freedom in the moment.

Where To Find Your Third Wheel

It’s never been easier to find an adult playmate using the Internet, where you can send messages on dating sites such as OkCupid or Plenty of Fish, or go to ThreesomeDatingSite or Adult Friend Finder.  Be clear with your request, and expect some back and forth so that you can all get to know each other. You can use the acronyms MMF (male, male, female) or MFF, MMM and FFF (or any combination) to designate what kind of third you are seeking.

I recommend having a three-way ‘date’ ahead of time with no sexual expectations, so that you can discuss your fantasies and all parties can become comfortable with each other. This extra step makes the sexual anticipation and experience much more satisfying, as you’re all connecting on a deeper level. I’m not saying you have to be best friends (in fact, I discourage having sex with good platonic friends), but when you’ve spent some time and had a conversation together, even if briefly, things generally go much more smoothly in bed later.

Another alternative for finding a third is to go to a bar, swing club or even a BDSM dungeon with the intention of picking up another person who might be interested in participating in a consensual three-way experience. Clear communication is even more important in these settings at the beginning, as you don’t have the benefit of the website introduction to pave the way for your ultimate intention. But when in doubt, listen to your intuition and be on the side of caution as it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Negotiation

Make sure you talk about each person’s interests and desires, including boundaries and deal breakers about kissing, oral sex, intercourse, anal and sleepovers. It’s also a good idea to have a code word or signal for “STOP” that everyone understands, such as traffic light colors RED for STOP and GREEN for GO. In the heat of the moment, you might need a safe way to stop the action.

Try this WANT, WILL, WON’T exercise for sexual activities during the negotiation process. My clients have found it to be a very useful jumping off point for opening up the lines of communication and encouraging each party to fully express their desires and boundaries.

The first slide shows what the desires and boundaries mean, and the second slide is filled in with items from a sexual menu.

Will Want WontWill Want Wont 2

Dinner & Sexy Games

Planning a sexy night for three-way sex can be a lot of fun. Start by ordering everyone’s favorite food and arrange comfortable seating without a cumbersome table in the way. For some flirty conversation, try topics like turns on and turn offs, or show and tell.

Once things get sexy, you can begin to feed each other playfully and lick food off your partner’s body to entice the other person to join in. A little alcohol can also ease the tension and rev up the sex drive, but don’t pour the drinks too strong or too often because consent is sexy, and you want to make sure you’re enhancing your sex life, not creating drama.

Play some icebreaker adult games such as Spin the Bottle, Truth or Dare or Strip Poker to get everyone in the mood for naughtiness. Be sure to have plenty of condoms, lube and some sex toys on hand to keep the party playful. Always change condoms when going from anal to vaginal and never share sex toys, so have plenty of each at hand. Use a new condom with each partner!

Take turns getting and giving a four handed massage to relax and then arouse by exploring all of the erogenous zones from head to toe. Organic coconut oil is smooth and silky on the skin, as is massage glide, or warming and cooling, can increase sensitivity and flavored massage products can be a tasty treat for the giver of pleasure, just as much as the receiver.

In The Moment

Say things to make your partner feel confident. Saying, “I love you,” “You’re such a great lover,” and other positive compliments can make your partner feel confident and secure, diminishing any competitive feelings they might have about the third person.

Never leave anyone out. You don’t want a threesome that’s unbalanced, where two people’s interactions dominate at the expense of the third. There’s always a way to expand your touch and attention to include that third person.

Make sure you have water nearby so that your mouth doesn’t get dry right when you want to kiss, lick or suck.

Positions For 1 Man, 2 Women

This is one of the top fantasies for men, but lots of women are game to let their man watch them with another woman. A hot sexual position is for the man to enter his partner in doggy style while she goes down on the other woman. Alternatively, he can be getting a blowjob from the new woman while his partner sits on his face. And of course there are endless combinations of 69-inspired positions to please everyone.

Positions for 1 Woman, 2 Men

This female sex fantasy can result in double penetration and one of the best positions for that is for one man to lay on his back so the woman can sit on him in cowgirl position while the other man inserts his penis from behind her for anal penetration, as she leans forward. This is known as an MFM threesome experience, and of course there are many other sexual positions that include oral pleasures for everyone.

The Role Of Sex Toys

Adding sex toys into your threesome can prolong the experience, add extra visual eroticism and playfulness. It can help women have orgasms more easily, and allow men to take the pressure off the demand on their erections. You can even consider giving your third a sex toy to take home as a memento of the occasion. Some of my favorite sex toys for threesomes are The Screaming O cock ring, We-Vibe wearable vibrator and of course, an adjustable strap-on with a harness.

Exploring Your Same Sex Fantasies

In a sexual threesome, the same sex parties are key in creating chemistry with each other. This is an exciting opportunity to explore same sex fantasies and try out experimentation that you’ve only dreamed of, such as tribbing between women and docking between men.

The Power Of Imaginary Threesomes

If you’re not ready to have another person participate in a three-way yet, then you can make this fantasy come true through the power of suggestion and lots of graphic dirty talk. Describe to each other what the third person would be doing, and how.

If you’re at a loss about how to get started, try using some of these phrases and fill in the blanks, directing your sexy language at your partner and your imaginary third as well.

It feels so good when you touch my__________.

Your ______________ is beautiful.

I want you to ___________ my _____________.

I love your ____________________.

My _______________is so______________.

_______________ me in the __________________.

You are so ______________________.

Pros & Cons Of A Threesome

Pros

Fun – Threesomes can be exciting and naughty, playful and thoroughly entertaining because of their taboo nature. You can expand your sexual horizons with erotic new visuals, new sexual positions and by discovering new erogenous zones.

Hormone boost – Threesomes get your feel-good hormones flowing from increased Testosterone to surging Dopamine.

Exploration – Same sex fantasies and two-on-one fantasies are very common and here’s your opportunity to make them come true.

Discovery – Discover new ways of touching and being touched, and new ways in which you like to be aroused.

Freedom – You can be uninhibited, making love ‘outside the box.’

Increased sex drive – more orgasmic intensity may result from the new excitement of a third partner.

Passion – Threesomes can rekindle passion in a predictable relationship.

Afterglow – You might feel more sexual satisfaction than you’ve ever experienced and want to do it again!

Cons

Jealousy – You might be afraid that your partner will get emotionally attached to the third person, or worry that they are a more skilled lover.

Performance issues – Men might have anxiety about getting an erection or keeping it up in front of two people at once.

Feelings of inadequacy – Men or women may feel intimidated by being ‘compared’ to another person physically or sexually.

Competition – Threesomes bring up issues of rivalry, where one party may engage in a sexual contest with another.

Awkwardness afterwards – Unless you’ve negotiated your ‘happy ending,’ there could be an awkward moment where no one knows what to do when the sex is over.

STDS – Expanding your sexual horizons also means expanding your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Always use condoms.

Embarrassment – Three people makes for more potential embarrassing noises and moments, but try to use a sense of humor to overcome any mishaps.

Look at this pros and cons list with your partner to help make the decision together about whether or not to try a threesome. Ask each other how important a threesome is, on a scale of one to ten, where ten means it’s a dealbreaker for the relationship.

Honor your partner’s feelings about the possibility, and understand that the answer may very well be “No” but if you do go forward as a couple, make sure that your own relationship foundation is strong and that you’re plan is to have well-intentioned sexy fun.

Stop Faking Orgasms

By
Dr. TaMara Griffin
-

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Lots of women do it, and I’m here to tell you: STOP!

When we do not communicate our authentic sexual desires, it sends the wrong message to our partners. When we do not tell them exactly how we feel about our sexual experiences, both parties suffer. Our partner will think they are pleasing us when in fact they aren’t, and then in turn they will have no motivation to change their moves, making your orgasm even further away from reality!

The goal of sex and intimacy is to receive the most pleasure that we can from our sexual experience, and the most important factor in achieving this is to be responsible for our own pleasure! WE are responsible for our sexual pleasure. No one else. So with this in mind, why should you stop faking orgasms? Here are three excellent reasons:

1. Enhance Your Sexual Pleasure

Now I know at some point, we all have faked an orgasm! We laid there moaning and groaning and even making a face or two while our Beloved partners thought they were pleasing us when actually they were not. As a result, we left the experience feeling more frustrated and sometimes even hornier than before. But whose fault is that? Ours! Yup, ours! When we fake an orgasm, it sends a powerful message to our partner. It teaches them two things: that we were sexually satisfied and what they are doing sexually works for us. Once that message has been received by our partners, they will continue to operate in the same manner because they feel that they have been successful! If you want to experience real orgasms, then you must be willing to communicate your sexual desires.

2. Empowers You To Take Control

Communicating your sexual desires not only enhances your pleasure but it puts you in control of your experience. When we look to other people to satisfy us, we are often times left unfulfilled and even resentful. But who is to blame? We are! We have to be willing to speak up and advocate for our pleasure. We have to be courageous and bold enough to tell our partners, in a loving way of course, what’s working and what’s not working for us. We have to be able to say, “I love it when you do this. It feels so good and turns me on.” When you say things in a loving manner, you are less likely to bruise their ego, and more likely to build them up by telling them all the things that they are doing that make you feel good. The bottom line is that you’re more likely to get what you want every time!

3. Builds intimacy

Intimacy is so much more than hot, steamy sex! It is an essential building block of relationships, and the glue that binds two individuals together. It is a choice to expose the very depths of your mind, body, spirit and soul! When you make that choice, you reap the rewards of deeply shared experiences. Tell your partner if you’re not able to reach orgasm – I promise you that it will bring you closer together. It will infuse much more meaning and truth into being intimate in general in your relationship, including kissing, holding hands, eye contact and more. Expose your sexual vulnerability to build deep emotional connections.

The essence of communicating your sexual desire lies in your ability to be open, honest, and respectful of your partner. It also requires you to trust, feel safe and vulnerable enough within the context of your relationship to allow your Beloved to see the real you – because after all, your sexual desires define a significant part of who you are.

Get involved and participate in your pleasure instead of just lying there, hoping that your partner pleases you, which by the way is not their responsibility. We must show up and be present in every experience of our lives in order to reap the total benefits. Sexual activity is no different. At the end of the day, your partner is going to make sure that they are satisfied, so why wouldn’t you? So stop faking, start communicating and begin enjoying your sexual journey!

How To Take A Dick Pic

By
Carrie Borzillo
-

Everyone is doing it, so you mind as well learn how to take a good shot. But, before we get started, the first rule of thumb is to only send one to someone who asked for it. Most women don’t appreciate an unsolicited photo of your cock.

While it used to be considered a crass, immature thing that only Tinder users do as a 20-something booty-call tactic, the truth is that there are a rising number of committed couples that have realized the power of sexting with their mate. And, while sexting doesn’t have to include naked photos, it’s a nice way to get your partner in the mood…if you do it right!

A prime example of an epic fail on this front comes from one of my friends who has been married for over 10 years. She and her husband started sexting each other to spice things up. It’s actually good foreplay, especially if you sext during the day to get him excited to come home and, well, come with you.

Unfortunately, my friend’s husband made a few critical mistakes. His first mistake taking the photo in the bathroom with the toilet seat up and not flushed. When he tried again, some of their kids’ toys were in the background. Toilets and children didn’t exactly get her hot and heavy.

Taking a good dick pic is such a “thing” now that there’s even a New York photographer who is making a business out of it. Soraya Doolbaz, who calls herself “a professional dick photographer,” takes the traditional dick pic up a notch by creating little costumes from doll outfits and personalities for her male models. Her “Dicture Gallery” features guys’ penises dressed up as everything from Napoleon Boner Parte to Dongye West to Adolf Clit Tickler. She even exhibited her photographs at the world-famous Art Basil in Miami last year.

If you don’t want to go that far, just follow these simple tips for your own dick selfies…

Trim the Trunk

Proper grooming is always the first best step to anything sex or genital related. Make sure you’re trimmed up nicely… unless full bush is truly your thing. But, if it is, please remember that most women don’t dig the ’70s bush.

Edit the Scene

Just like setting the scene for Skype sex, it’s important to be aware of your background. It’s more about what you don’t want to show – the toilet, dirty towels, toothbrushes, kid or pet toys, and clutter, etc. If you take the shot in a mirror, look what’s in the reflection and edit out anything that is not sexy.

Consider Your Privacy

If you are afraid of getting hacked or confused about how can get into your Cloud, it’s perfectly fine to send a photo that doesn’t show your face. In fact, some women find it sexier…even if you have a handsome mug. “My boyfriend sent me a dick pic once with his full body and face in it and the look on his face just cracked me up. He was trying too hard to look sexy for the camera, that it kind of backfired. Just a pic of his junk would’ve been hot enough,” says Rachel, 35.

Use a Filter

A well-lit penis can make the difference between a reaction of “ewww” and “ooohhh!” If you can’t figure out the best lighting for your Johnson,    then make good use of filters on your phone. A great filter can help diminish the look of veins, uneven skin color, and even slight blemishes. Black and white is a cool way to go as well.

“A guy I had been talking to sent me a dick pic. The part of his penis that is always exposed was one color – slightly grayish. But, the extended part when he got hard was a nice pink color. I was grossed out by the two-tone,” says Sara, 27.

Position the Pole

The right angle can make your penis look larger. You need to take a lot of test shots from different angles to find your key position. Do a solo photo shoot to figure this out and then have the images saved for when the time comes that a penis pic is requested. If you want to show off your length and girth, put a water bottle in the shot.

Lying down in bed is the sexiest because then every time he says he’s going to bed, I’ll have that image in my head. And, it makes me think that he’s lying there about to jerk off to me, which is super flattering. It’s a great visual. I can’t get my guy’s pic out of mind and I look at it often. The head sticking out of her cool boxers is another way to go.

All right guys, your penis is now ready for its close-up!

Sexual Choreography

By
Dr. TaMara Griffin
-

Sex is a vital component of any relationship, and it’s something most of us are not willing to live without. Sex drive, sex style and sexual communication all weave together to create what I call “sexual choreography.”

When’s the last time you talked to your partner about your sex life together? Allow me to give you some talking points for each one of these complex elements of sexual choreography, so that you can develop a beautiful sexual dance with your beloved, and maximize your sexual compatibility.

Sex Drive

Sexual desire and arousal are way more complicated than we think. Our sex drive is affected by a variety of things including: hormones, life stressors, medical issues, environmental factors, relationship challenges, social factors etc. Something as simple as a change in the weather can easily put a damper on the mood! Now add to that the uniqueness of you and your partner and here comes a whole new layer of complexities with each of your sexual thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. I strongly believe that differences in sex drive can be worked through as long as both parties are committed to putting in the required work.

Here are some talking points for you and your lover about sex drive:

  • How often do you think we should have sex?
  • How much sex is too much sex and/or when do you prefer sex?
  • How do you perceive our balance of who initiates sex?
  • What are your turn ons and turn offs?
  • How important is foreplay to get you turned on?

It is also important to keep in mind that sexual desire and arousal, although are closely linked, they are two different things. Sexual desire is an emotional and mental response, while sexual arousal is the physiological response. So in essence, your partner may desire to have sex but his or her body may not be responding physically. For example her vagina may not be lubricating . Or vice versa, your partner may NOT desire to have sex but their body may be responding. Keep that in mind and don’t judge a situation if you don’t know the facts.

Sex Style

Kinky, vanilla, freaky, romantic, bi-curious, hetero-flexible or a beautiful custom blend of a few – we all have a “sex style.” Our sex style involves a combination of our learned thoughts and behaviors, favorite sexual positions, sexual preferences, past experience but also our openness to different sexual experiences and experimenting. Our sex style can develop at any time and can also change, based our growth and life experiences. Therefore it is extremely important to learn how to be flexible – literally and figuratively! Allowing fluidity to exist in your sexual style increases your opportunities for experiencing pleasure. Of course, it goes without saying that all sexual experimentation with your sexual style should be safe, sane and consensual between adults.

Here are some talking points for you and your lover about sex style:

  • Are you more traditional are open when it comes to sex?
  • What positions do you enjoy?
  • Would you consider yourself to be more vanilla or more kinky? And what does that mean to you?
  • Do you consider your sexual style to be fluid and flexible?
  • Is your preferred sexual style monogamy or are you open to having sex with other people i.e. swinging, open relationships, threesomes
  • Do you like sex toys?
  • Do you like rough sex or gentle sex?
  • Do you like to switch up the routine?
  • Do you like sex beyond the bedroom?

Sexual Communication

Your sexual frustration is your fault! Stop blaming your partner. We are responsible for our own sexual pleasure We often set our partners up for failure because we think they should automatically know how to please, and this leaves us feeling frustrated. Teaching your Beloved might not sound sexy, but trust when you do, your sexual experience life will become a beautiful choreographed experience of synchronized movements, sounds and moments. To help choreograph your next “routine,” perhaps you could consider taking a sexy and sensual sex education workshop together, play lovers games, try body mapping and guiding your lover’s hand to your hot spots or just sit down and have a true heart to heart conversation, which brings me to my next point….Speak up!

Faking an orgasm? That’s your fault! We have to learn to speak up! It is important that we communicate our sexual expectations, desires, beliefs and attitudes to our partner even it feels unnatural in the beginning…just try!   When we don’t communicate, it sends the wrong message to our partners. When we don’t talk with our partners and tell then exactly how we feel about our sexual experiences, we do them and ourselves a disservice. They may think they are pleasing us when they’re not, and we are not receiving the pleasure we deserve. As a result, not only do we end up dissatisfied, we may end up resenting our partner, which may ultimately result in cheating. It’s important to always remember that we are responsible for our sexual health and pleasure—that is we absolutely must communicate our wants, needs and desires.

Here are some talking points for you and your lover about sexual communication:

  • Are you willing to talk about our sex life together?
  • Have you ever faked an orgasm with me?
  • Do you pretend to like techniques I use and secretly dislike them?
  • Do you feel sexually satisfied with our sex life?

Our sexuality is not black and white. It exists on a spectrum of beautiful colors and complexities. Learning to understand the value and importance that each individual places on acknowledging, exploring and expressing their sexuality is key to creating sexual compatibility with our partners. Operating from this lens gives our partners the permission to fully express their sexual selves as well. This does not mean that you or your partner need to change fundamental parts of your sexuality, but rather choreograph your sex life together for ultimate sexual satisfaction.

Give The Perfect V-Day VJ: Cunninglingus Tips

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
-

Give the perfect VJ for the sexiest Valentine’s Day gift ever!

These oral sex techniques will create truly memorable sex and have her begging for more.

Start Slow to Build Sexual Anticipation

First, slowly and sensuously caress, kiss and lick every part of her body from head to toe. You can use your own breath, hair or a feather to tease her hot spots and give her goosebumps. Use your cool and warm breath, followed by a variation of short flicking motions and long lapping motions with your tongue on the nape of her neck, her throat, between her breasts, over her hips, and then romantically kiss and lick the inside of her thighs to create sexual anticipation.

Since most women orgasm through oral sex more often than through sexual intercourse, it’s very important to get to know a woman’s vulva and vagina up close and personal. It you want to rock her world, you need to know how to heighten her arousal one step at a time in slow motion.

Encourage her to lie back comfortably with a pillow under her head and another under her buttocks. Raising her pelvis with a pillow will provide you with the best access to her clitoris, vagina and anus. It will also help alleviate strain from your neck. Keep her legs spread flat on the bed so that you can lie between them.

Explore Her Vulva like Her Mouth

You can’t go wrong if you make out with her vulva the same way as you do with her mouth, using your lips and tongue passionately.

Lavish the entire outside of the vagina with circular tongue motions and make a conscious effort to maintain eye contact with her as it increases the intimacy between you.

Get her mons as wet as you can with your mouth and passionately make out with it. When it comes to oral sex, enthusiasm is even more important than technique. Use your hands to draw her hips toward you.

Kissing Her Vagina

French kiss the inner and outer lips of her vagina as you use the flat of your tongue with consistent long strokes, pressure and speed from the bottom to the top of the vaginal opening.

Spread and suck on her lips gently while caressing her heart for a deeper heart connection. The more she trusts you, the more uninhibited she will be.

Pay attention to her body language. If she’s pushing her pelvis toward you, or doing a pelvic rocking motion, there’s a good chance that she’s having a great time. If she’s pulling her body away, then stop and ask what you can do to please her. Every woman is different!

Clitoris

Gently lick with a pointy tongue around the clitoral hood, and then on top of it, before pulling it back, as the 8000 clitoral nerve endings create intense sensitivity.

Try playfully writing the alphabet on her entire vulva with your tongue, continuing to twist and slide your tongue in different ways, alternating from up and down, side-to-side, small and big circles, soft and firm, quick and slow, pointed and flat. If all goes according to plan, she’ll have the big “O” before your get to the letter “O.”

Take in one big suck on her clitoris and gently shake your head from side to side as you breath through your nose. Beware of too much pressure and avoid using your teeth.

Suck on her clitoris as if it were a nipple. Wrap your lips around, and start sucking lightly, then add more pressure until she signals you to stop. Make humming sounds with your lips so they vibrate on her clitoris because ‘Mmmmmm’ is not just a sound, it’s a sensation that can awaken her most erotic senses. Then follow up with some very light finger taps directly on the clitoris for sexual peak sensation and go back and forth with your mouth and finger until it takes her over the edge.

Stroke her perineum (located between the anus and vaginal opening) gently while sucking on her clitoris.

Add Sensations

Suck on some ice before licking her clitoris, meanwhile, use your two thumbs to massage her labia in circular motions.

Drink some hot liquid and then suck and twirl your hot tongue over her clitoris. Be creative!

Don’t be shy about getting some help in the stimulation department. Sex toys can take the pressure of the giver, and women love them because they feel so good. Try the Lingo by Screaming O for added vibrations.

Change Positions

Try changing positions slightly in these creative ways, to increase access, switch things up and increase pleasure.

Place the woman’s legs over your shoulders so that you can hold her ankles. This is a great position for the giver of oral pleasure to feast their eyes on the woman’s entire vagina from top to bottom.

Try the woman sitting on her lover’s face, facing away. This position makes her feel uninhibited because her lover cannot see her face, but she is in total control of the angle, speed, motion and pressure of her oral satisfaction.

Swing her legs up and over as far as they’ll go comfortably. This is a highly erotic visual position for her lover to see her vagina fully protruding. It makes for easy oral access – especially to the G-spot.

Try doggy style with the woman on all fours and her butt high in the air. This is the best position for the giver of oral pleasure because the pressure is off their neck and back. I would recommend kneeling on the floor while the woman’s butt is angled over the bed. This gives you a great visual of her entire vulva for easy oral access and is also great because the woman can stimulate her clitoris simultaneously. Stick your tongue out as far as you can to lick her from her perineum to her clitoris and repeat until she is satisfied.

If you want to try some vertical fun, have her stand like a tulip before you and spread her labia. The sensation of being pleasured while standing in a dominant stance can add to the eroticism and satisfy a woman’s wildest fantasies. The receiver is in control here, so she can direct her lover’s dead and guide them to the exact angle and push their head back for gentler pressure

Penetration

Ask her if she’d like to feel a finger inside her, and it she responds positively,

slip one or two fingers inside her vagina (only if she’s already wet) and cross your index / middle finger, then move it in and out, twisting and rotating it corkscrew style as you gently lick her clitoris. Encourage her to tell you what she likes, as partner communication is key to experiencing great sex.

Steaming Diamond Technique

Take a washcloth and cut a four-inch diagonal slit in the middle. Then dip it in a bowl of hot water, wring it out and place the washcloth over her vagina at a 45 degree angle so that it looks like a diamond instead of a square. Line the slit up with her vagina and use your hands to press and hold the washcloth in place as you insert your tongue between the slit to make oral magic happen!

G-Spot Joy

Insert one or two fingers and discover her G-spot while licking her clitoris, but make sure she is already wet and willing. Begin by resting your thumb on her clitoris while inserting the middle finger of your prominent hand in a “come her” motion into her vagina, palm up. Just imagine there is a clock on the inside of your lover’s vagina and you are stroking from 6 o’clock (at the bottom of her vaginal opening) to 12 o’clock (her G-spot). Use long strokes, creating an energetic circuit between your thumb and finger. Now replace your thumb on her clitoris with your mouth and tap her G-spot with your finger while you lick her clitoris. If all goes well, she will have an internal and external orgasm simultaneously.

Let her push you away when her orgasm has ended. A woman’s orgasm can last much longer than a man’s by the way, especially a clitoral and G-spot orgasm combined, which can result in deeper, more intense spasms, followed by waves of pleasure until she feels like she’s going to explode. She may ejaculate, and that’s all part of the pleasure!

Tri-Gasm

The only technique to top the blended clitoral G-spot orgasm is the TriGasm!

A female TriGasm is the result of arousing three points of pleasure – the clitoris, G-spot and anus simultaneously.

Step 1: The woman should lie back while her partner lavishes her clitoris with oral pleasure until she has reached a level 8 on a pleasure scale of 1 to 10.

Step 2: Change course and stimulate her vulva in small circles with your tongue.

Step 3: Return to the clitoris and orally increase her level of pleasure to a 9, almost to the point of no return.

Step 4: At this peak, insert your forefinger palm up into her vagina and find her G-spot, then tap, tap, tap it gently towards her navel.

Step 5: Simultaneously with steps 3 and 4, stimulate her anus gently with a vibrator to bring her to a mind-blowing, magical TriGasm!

Analingus

Give her erotic shivers by licking down her spine, swirling your tongue as you trail your way towards her butt. Gently open up her butt cheeks to see if she’s receptive to anal play.

Use the tip of your tongue to lick around her ass cheeks playfully. Some women enjoy a little light spanking in this position as it makes them feel very naughty. Be sure to watch for her body language as to whether she wants it lighter or harder.

Analingus involves kissing and licking up and down the ass crack, as well as sliding the tongue in and out of the anus itself. As a word of caution, you should know that the anus is not as clean as the vagina. In fact, it is filled with bacteria, so unprotected analingus can transmit viruses that include HIV, hepatitis, herpes and warts. Using a barrier such as a dental dam or even transparent food wrap can be fun and safe.

One more rule is that once your mouth or fingers touch your lover’s anus, her vagina is off limits, so no going from the back door to the front as it can spread bacteria.

But it’s worth the effort because the anal area, like the clitoris, has thousands of nerve endings that can drive her to sexual ecstasy.

As a new master or mistress of cunnilingus and analingus, you can do no wrong. These techniques and tips go a long way to creating peak sexual memories that will keep her happy, and not just on Valentine’s Day.

Read Carrie Borzillo’s Give The Perfect V-Day BJ here!

Valentine’s Day Relationship Inventory Test

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
-

Whether you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, or you just started dating someone new, Valentine’s Day is the perfect occasion to evaluate your love life.

Sometimes a partner will look great “on paper” in terms of your similar interests or circle of friends, but then as things move forward, the daily behavior and interaction between you just doesn’t make your heart sing. What’s happening here? Is there anything you can do to figure it all out?

Yes there is, and it’s free and easy to accomplish. The truth is that a simple good versus bad list can help you clarify what’s working and what isn’t. Sure, relationships require compromise, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being unhappy!

I’m sharing this sample list below from one of my clients, so that you can see the kinds of things I’m suggesting for your list. She had been dating this man for three months, and had sex with him after seven dates. She saw him twice after that before calling me for help. She was confused and conflicted about becoming his girlfriend. In her gut, she knew he wasn’t right for her, but she didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day this year.

I had my client write a list of his good and bad qualities. Reading the list, she had a revelation discovering the 15 bad qualities compared to only 10 good ones. Then I asked her what her 10 top priorities were to make her life better, and we checked off the ones that he could fulfill. She could only find 3 ways out of 10 that he could bring joy to her life, and could easily find 7 that would make her life more miserable.

This is how you can create your own list for your relationship. Make two columns – good and bad – and create your inventory list like this:

Relationship Inventory:

GOOD:                                                                   BAD:

 1. Old Friend  His home location is too far
 2. Kind  He has too many health issues
 3. Gentle   Hardly has any friends
 4. Good job  He goes to bed too late
 5. Financially stable  Doesn’t like to travel
 6. Intelligent   Pessimist prepares for the worse
 7. Romantic  Suffers from OCD & anxiety
8. Sense of humor  Homebody
 9. No kids or wives  Bad lover
 10. Gives compliments  Talks too long on phone
 11.  Political differences
 12.  Brags about old girlfriends
 13.  Complains a lot about people
14.  Shares all his problems
15.  Not generous

Okay, now that you’ve done the hard part, let’s analyze the data to answer the ultimate question of this exercise: Is this person going to make my life better?

Here’s how my client’s evaluation turned out based upon her lifestyle, her priorities, wants, needs and desires.

  1. Travel – NO
  2. Home – NO
  3. Generosity – NO
  4. Sex – NO
  5. Social – NO
  6. Conversation – NO
  7. Bedtime Compatibility – NO
  8. Romance – YES
  9. Compliments – YES
  10. Friendship – YES

So as you can see, the not-so-great news here is that the bad outweighs the good in this analysis. But the good news is that, armed with this information, this woman can now pinpoint the source of her frustration or disappointment within the relationship. Before my client left, I told her she had two choices. She could either discuss these issues with her partner and come to a resolution, or she could make an exit strategy to find someone with whom the good will outweigh the bad!

My client instinctively chose the latter, and I told her not to be sad because this man was just a stepping stone to finding a man worthy of her, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. It was the first time I saw her smile, and she told me she felt relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted off her.

You’re better off alone this Valentine’s Day than being with somebody who lacks the qualities that you are looking for in a relationship. Be your own Valentine, and treat yourself as if you are madly in love with you!

11 Surprising Relationship Tips From A Divorce Lawyer

By
Joryn Jenkins Esq.
-

As a family law attorney, I work with many couples who have made the hard decision to divorce. Having worked with couples from all different backgrounds and age groups, it takes a lot to surprise me, and I’ve seen just about every reason why people decide to separate.

While there’s nothing funny about divorce, my friends jokingly say that I am qualified to be a relationship expert with all the clients I have helped go through the process. It’s true that when you’ve worked with as many couples as I have, listening to their stories of why their marriage fell apart, it really opens your eyes to what makes a strong and thriving marriage, and what makes one not last.

Here are 11 relationship tips I’ve learned from my time in family law.

Understand That Marriage Is Hard Work

Commence your marriage with the idea that you will both work together on “being married” every day. Being married is not a state of being, it is a work in progress. And it is work. So don’t ignore problems when you first notice them. Work on them before they blow up and explode. Treat your spouse like a date every day. Notice the little things that attracted you to begin with and enjoy them every day. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t allow familiarity to breed contempt.

Understand That Your Spouse-to-be Will Not Change

My divorcing clients share why they are getting divorced and that they often knew about their spouse’s behavior “flaw” or their relationship disconnect prior to getting married. About 95% of the time, they believed that it would change. Your spouse will not change, and, in fact, those little imperfections will only worsen over time. Realize early what they are, and determine if you can live with them forever before you tie the knot.

Consider Whether To Sign A Prenuptial Agreement

It gives you a way out – marriage is a forever commitment. Do you really want that? If you’re not ready to promise that you will stay together through thick or thin, perhaps you should not get married. While most attorneys will advise that a prenuptial agreement is a wise financial move, a wiser move is to wait to marry someone to whom you can really make that permanent pledge.

 Marry Someone Who Shares Your Financial Views

Money is the most common cause of divorce. Folks have diverse philosophies about how to handle finances and, once they are teamed together in marriage, never really address how to harmonize their different value systems. They start out in love, and small disconnects go unnoticed. Later, when they are comfortable, they overlook larger disconnects. Later still, they discount them. At some point, their differences become too great to ignore and they can’t make excuses anymore. Because the couple has never learned to address them, the financial issues have caused rifts in their abilities to communicate, to problem solve, and to grow together.

Decide To Grow Together

Let’s talk about finances again. Many people marry before they have solidified their views on many issues, spending included. So take classes on spending, on child rearing, on religion, and on other sensitive topics before the issues start raising their ugly heads. Get educated together. This will ensure that you both have the same information. Then decide together how you will handle complex issues, before they arise and become emotional.

Go To A Marriage Counselor Early And Often

Seeing a counselor should not be an admission of failure, it should be like signing up for guitar lessons or for Tae Kwon Do. If you can’t think of a good reason to go, I can: go to work on your communication, problem-solving, or co-parenting skills.

Ensure One Day Off Together Once A Week

Maintaining a strong relationship takes time spent together. Stay in bed together one morning a week and talk, in bed. No agenda. Well, if there’s any agenda, it’s just to cuddle. If you have to brush your teeth first, get up and do that and then get back in bed. Lock the door; no kids. Cuddle. (One of you needs that, and the other one will find that s/he enjoys it more than s/he thinks s/he will.)

Share A Hobby

Again, it is important to spend time together. You don’t have to share all of the same hobbies, but it is important to share most of them, considering that our hobbies consume much of what little free time we enjoy. Run races. Play golf. Watch movies. Play music together. My husband insists on running the weekend errands with me, instead of splitting up to get them done in twice the time. (I brag about this all the time, even though he first made this declaration 22 years ago!) Whatever interests you share, engage in them together. And if you don’t share them, then one of you must change your interest. My husband took up golf; I had no interest. But he was spending six hours every week out on a golf course somewhere so I took it up, too. I developed an interest, if not in the sport itself, at least in the nature I enjoyed while out on the course, and, more importantly, in the talking we did while we were out there.

Shower Or Bathe Together Often

My husband and I purposely installed a double-headed shower. At least twice a week, we shower at the same time. It’s a great time to plan, and especially to discuss matters outside of the hearing of little ears. My associate’s parents bathed together every night, and she and her husband now follow that same practice. It is a great time to unwind. Either way, it’s easy to add to busy schedules because you both need to bathe, so you’re not adding anything additional to your schedules. And it’s good to be naked with each other every day. It is something private and special that you only share with another, so it will keep you connected. And you never know where it will lead! Which segues into my next tip….

Never Stop Having Sex

It is the one thing that you share together that you do not share with anyone else. Even if you are best friends, you are more than that. You are spouses whose relationship initially grew because of your sexual intimacy with one another. Sex is a basic, biological need. As a married couple, you depend on one another to meet this need. Even if you are tired, not in the mood, or not even attracted to your spouse in that moment, make sex a regular part of your relationship. Vow to make love at least once a week. If you get to the end of a week without having done so, do whatever it takes to be intimate before the clock strikes midnight on the seventh day. It will also add an element of fun to your relationship!

Know That The Grass Isn’t Greener

While it may be tempting to explore a new, exciting, attractive, and interesting person, remember that every person comes with his or her own set of flaws. The turmoil that an affair brings with it is not worth the excitement, and people do not end up any happier once the dust settles. Be happy with the one you have, and actively work together to remember why you chose each other.

Don’t Give Up Too Soon

Remember that you vowed to be together “for better or for worse,” and sometimes, it’s a “for worse” period. But, this too shall pass. The good times will return if you weather the storm together and don’t jump ship.

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