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The BDSM community is a close knit in most communities all over the world. When you find your happy dungeon, you have found a home in which you can enjoy your fetishes in a safe space. BDSM play is ever changing and looks different for all players. I could not create an exhaustive list of all the versions of play that can be developed. It is heavily dependent on the wants of the players.
Many individuals outside of the community believe that BDSM is some sort of abuse because they see the relationship between dom and sub as something the sub has no control over. This is so far from the truth and the reality of the practice.
How does someone enter the world of BDSM? This is different for everyone. A little exploration and you can find your local dungeons and/or swingers clubs. I am so excited that I can offer a place to play in Columbus, OH where all humans are free to come and play. Newbies can inquire about the space and visit on Thursdays so that they can explore their pleasure points.
I opened Shades Oasis with the intent to offer the BDSM community a location in an area highly underserved. The Midwest is known for its sexual activity and diversity in what people find pleasure in. I have been hosting kink parties all over the East Coast and opening my own space is a real dream come true.
Masters in my area have helped me in creating a dungeon space where submissive and dominates can receive the pleasure they seek.
So, if you are ever in the area, come check out Shades Oasis. As a Clinical Sexologist I guide individuals through multiple orgasms and deliver a workshop during my events. One of the things that many people ask me to talk to them about is what to do with the rest of the penis born body. Meaning, after a hand job or a blow job then what?
I always suggest penis worshipping. Phallicism is what genital worshipping is. It is mainly performed in cuckold-type scenarios and can be done with no contact at all. An understanding of the penis structure will help in understanding pleasure points that you can stimulate to add additional pleasure and excitement.
A penis is twice as long as you think. Half the length of the penis is inside of the body. A healthy penis has five to six erections per day. Most of them nocturnal. While it is not clear why it happens, it is a sign that the penis is healthy. Individuals who understand their penis health can speak up about their penis pleasure.
Letting the worshipper know what is going to work for them. The opening at the tip of the penis is the opening of the urethra tube. This tube is where sperm and urine pass through. Usually, the owner may feel a full bladder when they are about to ejaculate.
As the giver, knowing that the urethra opening can be stimulated for pleasure, means you can add a move when you get to the mouth portion of the ceremony.
As the giver, be sure you stay mindful that the penis has no bone. It is very possible to break the penis through vigorous sex but is less likely to happen if you are performing a blow job. Worshipping requires more of a verbal or fellatio activity.
Saying things like, “Your penis/dick is so powerful”, or “It looks so powerful”. Keeping eye contact, whisper things that lets them know you appreciate the privilege of worshipping the penis. The same with fellatio. Allow yourself to enjoy the penis. Moaning lets them know you are loving it.
However, you express your passion, let it wash over you so that you can have pleasure as well. What you need to do is focus on the penis unless the discussion was had about touching other areas of the genitals. For example, the raphe is the dividing line that runs across the middle of their genitalia from the anus to the tip of the penis, down over the perineum, scrotum, and shaft.
You can add intensity to the orgasm by using your tongue to trace over the line and teasing them into your mouth. The perineum is REALLY sensitive and worth exploring. Press your knuckles gently into this spot and massage. Worship the penis with and without touch. The thrill is in the power and intimacy shared in the moment.
I am thrilled to share that I have been chosen for the October 2024 cover and feature of ASN Lifestyle Magazine, a premier publication dedicated to the lifestyle community. The magazine is known for celebrating authenticity, wellness, and connection in every form, offering readers insights into healthy living, social behaviors, and sexual freedom.
ASN consistently pushes boundaries, tackling important issues around intimacy and self-expression while also providing tips for living your best life.
I would like for you to introduce myself to those who do not know me. I am an ABS Clinical Sexologist and owner of Shades Oasis, located in Columbus, OH.
At Shades Oasis, our pleasure education center bridges the worlds of sexual arousal and whole-body wellness, showing how intimacy is more than just physical—it’s essential for emotional and mental balance too!
In this feature, you’ll find details on how arousal and hormone release (think dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins) enhance your overall health and well-being. ASN has been a true leader in helping people explore these topics safely and with joy.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to me – it would be my honor to assist you in navigating this aspect of your sexual health and empowering you to experience the pleasure and fulfillment you deserve. debra.shade.youcanbook.me
Choosing anal toys can be a playful pick, but is not a simple task. There are a lot of products on the market, so finding the right one for you may take some time. Here are some suggestions to pluck yours out of the crowd.
There are two types of anal toys. Prostate-specific and inflatable. Flared base toys are a MUST.
Anything that you place up into your rectum should have a flared base that can be held at all times. Many items can be sucked inside of your anus. Your muscles will suck things up into your intestines which could be life threatening. Know that anytime you place something in, it must have a T-shaped base to hold it on the outside.
Prostate-specific toys stimulate the P-spot directly. If you were born with a penis, then chances are, you have a P-spot -the prostate – reached through the anus and perineum stimulation. They are about three inches into the anal canal. On the front wall towards the penis and are the size of a walnut.
This is good to know when selecting the toy’s length. To use a prostate-specific anal toy, you should be entered at an angle to ease discomfort. Once you feel comfortable, let your partner know it is OK to proceed. They should continue to thrust at an angle. You may feel the urge to pee or orgasm. It is impossible to do both, so relax into your orgasm thanks to the PC Muscle.
Inflatable anal toys are an excellent choice for some.
They work like a balloon; you insert them while they are small and then pump them up with air to stretch the sphincters and muscles of the anal canal, putting pressure on the prostrates. Always start by pumping slowly. You do not want to force the anus open or use hard pumps to fill the toy too rapidly. Release the air by using the little valve until it is back to its original size and slide it out gently.
Anus owners can place anal beads in their rectum while being penetrated or receiving a hand job.
They are small to medium-sized balls and are super easy to use. They are a series of ABS plastic or silicone beads that are linked together and are used to stimulate the walls and canal of the anus. The beads start small and grow larger. It is the smallest beads that go in first, press the toy into the anus and remove them when finished.
Vibrating anal beads give you added sensations. Some or all of the beads can vibrate for extra sensations during anal. You should cover these beads in a water-based lube to make insertion smoother and pleasurable every time. Butt plugs can be weighted, vibrating, or non-vibrating cone-shaped toys. If vibrations are too intense you can always use the plug without turning it on until you get used to the sensation.
Vibrating butt plugs help relax the sphincter muscles and stimulate either the Skene’s Glands or prostrates. The vibrations work away muscle tightness and supply extra pleasure to the nerves in and around the anus.
Select a Material
You want to choose the right material for you. There are many options on the market, and you must find what fits your needs. Some points to keep in mind are knowing any allergic reactions to soft materials such as PVC, latex, rubber, jelly, or silicone. You should also be aware of how to sanitize and care for the toy. Firmer materials such as ABS Plastic, glass, metals, or wood to name a few, may not take the same amount of work as softer, flexible toys.
Soft materials are super flexible and move with your body. Some are stiff in the core and covered with a soft material. Firmer materials are used for more direct, pinpointed stimulation. Using a non-porous material that can be polished or coated wood, stainless steel, or aluminum is a great alternative to silicone if need be.
Avoid cheap toys that are porous, which means that bacteria can grow in the toy’s pores. Even cleaning with antibacterial soap or cleaner cannot go deep enough to fully sterilize the toy for future use. Body-safe anal toys are hypoallergenic, non-porous, and phthalate free and have several benefits. They are more hygienic because they are easier to clean and kill growing bacteria.
Silicone is hypoallergenic and free from plastic softening, phthalates that are in PVC, and certain types of rubber. They are firm and usually medical-grade, first-generation silicone.
Silicone is one of the safest forms of rubber that can be inserted. While it is porous, its pores are so small it cannot harbor bacteria. The skin-like texture of silicone allows the toy to offer a true life-like experience. The material warms quickly to body temperature and holds the heat, making it even more pleasurable.
Phthalates should be avoided altogether. They are often in soft or cheap anal toys and can adversely affect the reproductive system. These toys tend to smell like plastic, and it is important to read the packaging and pay attention to the safety icons before using the toy.
Toy Cleaners are specifically made to kill bacteria and clean your toy. You can use warm water and antibacterial soap, but these cleaners are made with the toy in mind. Spray some on the toy, wipe it down with a warm damp cloth, and let it air dry. Most toys should be stored in cool, dry places.
Boiling toys depends on the manufacturer’s guidelines. Heat-resistant anal toys can be sterilized through boiling only if the packaging says so. Submerge your toy in a pot of boiling water for 3 minutes.
Prepping for the myth
Feces does not hang out in the rectum. It is there when you have to void, but if this is the case, the nerves sense this fullness and then tell the brain whether this is due to gas or stool. if you have this feeling – DO NOT proceed with anal until AFTER you poop.
If you so desire, enemas and douches work in the same way. You fill them with lukewarm water, gently squirt the water into your rectum and then sit on a toilet and let nature run its course. A douche holds around a cup’s worth of water, so this choice is easier for a quick rinse of the area once inside your anus.
An enema bag holds anywhere from one cup to around a half gallon. The more water you flush into your body, the more fecal matter will be loosened, so take your time and let your intestines work.
Regardless of your choice, always practice on a day when you do not plan on having anal sex at all. It often takes a few hours for your body to fully flush itself from an anal water cleanse. Once you get the hang of it, use a small amount of water in a douche about 45 minutes to 1 hour before you have sex if you are feeling the need to get extra fresh.
Just a reminder or notice – like most sex toys, sharing them increases your risk of giving or receiving an STI. It is always safer, and it is best if you do not share your anal toys. Bacteria like E. coli and parasites can easily be transmitted through shared toys. If you happen to share, be sure to use a new condom each time.
If this article has left you with questions, feel free to reach out to me at [email protected].
Masturbation is critical for learning/creating your orgasm formula. Permit yourself to touch yourself for pleasure. This is the combination of touch, environment, and mindset you need to release. The importance of masturbation is not only making the perfect storm of hormones that release at the peak and resolution of orgasm.
The hormones oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine build during arousal, build up, and MAGIC!!
Oxytocin is known as the feel-good hormone. Makes you want to cuddle, snuggle, and seek connections beyond the physical. Serotonin is the hormone that…… Dopamine is an “intoxicating hormone”. One that triggers the brain’s pleasure sensors just as a drug does. Often blamed for the driver of sex addiction. The “high” that the body feels is something people chase.
Together, these three hormones cause the body to contract and release tension, which can relieve stress and lift moods from depression. Making it an antidepressant. Believe it or not, it is also an antihistamine because it relieves sinus pressure.
The overall orgasm can lower both blood pressure and cortisol. The many benefits are under-studied in all gendered bodies. What we know so far has been pioneered by scientists and experts of the Kinsley Institute. The founding institution of human sexuality.
The research done on the understanding of vulva orgasms is slim, to say the least. It was not until the early 20s that “female” orgasm was recognized by science. The concept of female ejaculation is still being challenged as a phenomenon.
History shows that doctors treated people with “incontinence” and “hysteria” with a vibrating wand which caused the release. The fix – orgasm. This is funny to me as the wand, known as the first sex toy (novelty item), was a medical tool used for generations.
Photo of Debra Shade, certified Clinical Sexologist
Discover a New Frontier in Sexual Wellness and Education with Debra Shade.
Debra Shade has pioneered an unparalleled sanctuary for mental health and modern sex education, offering a rare and transformative approach to understanding pleasure, intimacy, and healthy sexuality. She has officially been given the honor of being the first Pleasure Education and Healing Center in the state of Ohio.
Shades Oasis is a space to overcome sexual barriers resulting in pleasure on purpose. At this innovative center, individuals and groups can explore barriers to pleasure while learning about 12 vulva and 3 penile releases developed through an intricate understanding of 52 erogenous zones.
With classes, workshops, retreats, and movement sessions, the programs are designed to empower participants to cultivate and sustain consensual, substance-free, shame-free sexual experiences. Debra Shade’s holistic approach bridges the gap between physical wellness and emotional intimacy, fostering environments where education and exploration lead to a more liberated, fulfilling relationship with oneself and others.
This unique space stands as a beacon for anyone seeking to embrace sexual health and redefine the art of connection. Its hours are appointment only except 7p to midnight on Thu-Sat. You can book a private session(s) at debrashade.youcanbook. Check out more about Debra and Shades Oasis at www.shadesoasis.com.
Fingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina. They may enjoy some anal action too. I say “may” because not every person enjoys anal stimulation. If they do, then anal fingering is a great place to start, before progressing further to full anal sex. If they don’t, then it’s not a biggie, just focus on some other fun orgasm techniques whether that’s oral on the vagina or making them squirt.
Before you jump into it, you need to be aware that the anus doesn’t self-lubricate itself like the vagina does, so you’re going to need some lube. LOTS of it. Saliva will usually work but is less sanitary and dries out quicker. Keep the lubricant nearby in case you do need to drop on some more. Coat your finger and the outside of the anus with some lube, then slowly press your lubed finger into the rectum and lube up that space.
The person needs to be aroused. All orgasms are stifled if the arousal level is not high enough. You need to get the hormones and chemical’s that play a role in the orgasm process activated and that happens through arousal. Make sure to take it extra slow and listen to their feedback. The sphincter takes a while to relax, so if you force your finger inside of it before it’s relaxed, then it’s going to hurt them. Instead, you should maintain a soft pressure to allow their sphincter to relax around your finger. Once it does, then you can slowly push it in and around. Try not to go in and out unless you are asked for it. While fingering anally, you can also rub the clit with your spare hand for extra stimulation.
Important – Fingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina and do not touch their vagina after fingering them anally. You will be bringing bacteria from the anus to the vagina which will risk them getting bacterial vaginosis or something worse. Wash your hand(s) thoroughly after any anal action. This also applies to anything else you put in the rectum.
An orgasm meditation is very calming and relaxing. That storm of hormones and chemicals that are produced through AROUSAL leads to the pleasure of release. Orgasm mediation is the matter of being still and calm before starting to stimulate yourself or with a mate, go through motions of stimulation through the orgasm and at that moment, take the time to have your breath go from panting to slow intakes and long releases. Eyes open or close, continue to breathe and you will become calmer.
Visualize how relaxed your body is. Note your neck and the lack of tension in it, move to your shoulders, let them rest into the support you are leaning against. Your forearms, hands, fingers. Take the evaluation through your body as you are breathing in deep belly breathes and letting out long exhales. Imagine that air flowing freely through your relaxed body. Your arousal may return as you are noting your body in a new way. A softer way. Orgasm meditation is a method training your attention and awareness to achieve a mentally clear, emotional calm state of being that allows you to mindfully remain in that state when you stand up.
Aftercare – Aftercare is the emotional and physical care administered when a scene is over. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop.
Consent – Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship and maintaining it throughout the interactions. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.
Contract – An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It written or oral.
Dungeon – A location where BDSM play takes place (usually in a person’s home or at a club).
Fetish – An obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object. Usually required for a “release” to take place.
Kink – A relationship with an experience, body part, or object that arouses you but is not necessary to reach release.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) – This phrase describes what the BDSM community considers ethical behavior. Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual.
The Vital Role of Sex Therapy in Body Image and Intimacy
#EmbracingYourEroticBlueprint
As a clinical sexologist, I’ve encountered countless individuals who grapple with the intricate web of body image concerns and the impact these have on their sexual well-being. In a society that often reduces sexuality to mere physical attributes, it’s crucial to recognize the profound influence that our perceptions of self have on our intimate lives.
There is the transformative power of professional counseling and therapy in addressing body image issues, the importance of understanding sexual anatomy and function, and the essential role partners play in fostering a supportive and communicative sexual relationship.
Body image is a multifaceted construct that encompasses our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about our own bodies. It’s influenced by a myriad of factors, including cultural standards, personal experiences, and societal messaging.
When it comes to sexuality, body image plays a pivotal role in how we relate to ourselves and our partners during intimate encounters. Negative body image can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even avoidance of sexual activity, which can strain relationships and diminish overall quality of life.
Professional counseling and therapy offer a safe and confidential space for individuals to explore and address their body image concerns. A clinical sexologist can provide specialized guidance that combines psychotherapy with sex therapy techniques, tailored to the unique needs of each client.
Through this process, clients can:
Unpack and Challenge Negative Beliefs: by examining the origins of their body image issues, clients can begin to dismantle harmful thought patterns and replace them with more affirming narratives.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding is a critical step in healing one’s relationship with one’s body.
Enhance Sexual Confidence: through various therapeutic interventions, clients can build confidence in their sexual desirability and capabilities, independent of societal ideals.
Develop Coping Strategies: therapy equips clients with practical tools to manage anxiety and self-consciousness both in and out of the bedroom.
A cornerstone of sexual well-being is the knowledge and appreciation of one’s sexual anatomy and its functions. This understanding can empower individuals to make informed decisions about their sexual health and pleasure.
In therapy, clients are encouraged to:
Learn About Their Bodies: through education and exploration, clients gain insight into the intricacies of their sexual responses, arousal patterns, and pleasure pathways.
Communicate Preferences and Boundaries: knowledge of one’s own body equips individuals to articulate their desires and limits to their partners effectively.
Embrace Variability: recognizing that sexual anatomy and function vary widely can help normalize diverse sexual expressions and experiences.
Partners play a critical role in creating an environment where open communication and emotional support are prioritized. In the context of body image concerns, partners can:
Offer Validation and Reassurance: regular affirmations of attractiveness and worth can help counteract negative self-perceptions.
Practice Active Listening: being present and attentive during discussions about body image can foster a deeper connection and understanding between partners.
Engage in Empathetic Dialogue: encouraging conversations about insecurities and fears can bridge the gap between partners and promote mutual support.
Collaborate on Solutions: working together to find strategies that enhance comfort and pleasure during sex can strengthen the relationship and benefit both partners.
Body image issues can cast a long shadow over one’s sexual self-esteem and intimate relationships. However, through the guidance of a clinical sexologist and the unwavering support of a partner, individuals can embark on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and empowerment.
Therapy not only provides the tools to navigate these complex issues but also illuminates the path to a fulfilling and joyous sexual life.
Remember, the essence of our erotic selves transcends physical form; it is rooted in our capacity to connect, to pleasure, and to love—ourselves and others.
If you or someone you know is struggling with body image and its impact on their sexuality, seek professional help. The path to self-acceptance and sexual liberation is within reach, and the rewards of this journey are boundless.
Embrace your erotic blueprint and let the light of understanding and compassion guide you toward a life of sexual fulfillment and intimate connection. I stand at the ready! (debrashade.youcanbook.me) #shadesoasis #pleasure
