Sunday, May 26, 2024
Home Debra Shade's Sex Tips

Debra Shade's Sex Tips

Permit Yourself to Touch Yourself for Pleasure.

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Masturbation is critical for learning/creating your orgasm formula. Permit yourself to touch yourself for pleasure.  This is the combination of touch, environment, and mindset you need to release. The importance of masturbation is not only making the perfect storm of hormones that release at the peak and resolution of orgasm.

The hormones oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine build during arousal, build up, and MAGIC!!

Oxytocin is known as the feel-good hormone. Makes you want to cuddle, snuggle, and seek connections beyond the physical. Serotonin is the hormone that…… Dopamine is an “intoxicating hormone”. One that triggers the brain’s pleasure sensors just as a drug does. Often blamed for the driver of sex addiction. The “high” that the body feels is something people chase.

Together, these three hormones cause the body to contract and release tension, which can relieve stress and lift moods from depression. Making it an antidepressant. Believe it or not, it is also an antihistamine because it relieves sinus pressure.

The overall orgasm can lower both blood pressure and cortisol. The many benefits are under-studied in all gendered bodies. What we know so far has been pioneered by scientists and experts of the Kinsley Institute. The founding institution of human sexuality.

The research done on the understanding of vulva orgasms is slim, to say the least. It was not until the early 20s that “female” orgasm was recognized by science. The concept of female ejaculation is still being challenged as a phenomenon.

History shows that doctors treated people with “incontinence” and “hysteria” with a vibrating wand which caused the release. The fix – orgasm. This is funny to me as the wand, known as the first sex toy (novelty item), was a medical tool used for generations.

`Playful Pick

Photo from:https://thesexmed.com/sex-toys-for-sexual-health/

Choosing anal toys can be a playful pick, but is not a simple task. There are a lot of products on the market, so finding the right one for you may take some time. Here are some suggestions to pluck yours out of the crowd.

There are two types of anal toys. Prostate-specific and inflatable. Flared base toys are a MUST.

Anything that you place up into your rectum should have a flared base that can be held at all times. Many items can be sucked inside of your anus. Your muscles will suck things up into your intestines which could be life threatening. Know that anytime you place something in, it must have a T-shaped base to hold it on the outside.

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Prostate-specific toys stimulate the P-spot directly.  If you were born with a penis, then chances are, you have a P-spot -the prostate – reached through the anus and perineum stimulation. They are about three inches into the anal canal. On the front wall towards the penis and are the size of a walnut.

This is good to know when selecting the toy’s length. To use a prostate-specific anal toy, you should be entered at an angle to ease discomfort. Once you feel comfortable, let your partner know it is OK to proceed. They should continue to thrust at an angle. You may feel the urge to pee or orgasm.  It is impossible to do both, so relax into your orgasm thanks to the PC Muscle. 

Inflatable anal toys are an excellent choice for some. 

They work like a balloon; you insert them while they are small and then pump them up with air to stretch the sphincters and muscles of the anal canal, putting pressure on the prostrates. Always start by pumping slowly. You do not want to force the anus open or use hard pumps to fill the toy too rapidly. Release the air by using the little valve until it is back to its original size and slide it out gently. 

Anus owners can place anal beads in their rectum while being penetrated or receiving a hand job.

They are small to medium-sized balls and are super easy to use. They are a series of ABS plastic or silicone beads that are linked together and are used to stimulate the walls and canal of the anus. The beads start small and grow larger.  It is the smallest beads that go in first, press the toy into the anus and remove them when finished. 

Vibrating anal beads give you added sensations. Some or all of the beads can vibrate for extra sensations during anal. You should cover these beads in a water-based lube to make insertion smoother and pleasurable every time. Butt plugs can be weighted, vibrating, or non-vibrating cone-shaped toys.  If vibrations are too intense you can always use the plug without turning it on until you get used to the sensation.

Vibrating butt plugs help relax the sphincter muscles and stimulate either the Skene’s Glands or prostrates. The vibrations work away muscle tightness and supply extra pleasure to the nerves in and around the anus.

Select a Material

You want to choose the right material for you. There are many options on the market, and you must find what fits your needs. Some points to keep in mind are knowing any allergic reactions to soft materials such as PVC, latex, rubber, jelly, or silicone. You should also be aware of how to sanitize and care for the toy. Firmer materials such as ABS Plastic, glass, metals, or wood to name a few, may not take the same amount of work as softer, flexible toys. 

Soft materials are super flexible and move with your body. Some are stiff in the core and covered with a soft material. Firmer materials are used for more direct, pinpointed stimulation. Using a non-porous material that can be polished or coated wood, stainless steel, or aluminum is a great alternative to silicone if need be.

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Avoid cheap toys that are porous, which means that bacteria can grow in the toy’s pores. Even cleaning with antibacterial soap or cleaner cannot go deep enough to fully sterilize the toy for future use. Body-safe anal toys are hypoallergenic, non-porous, and phthalate free and have several benefits. They are more hygienic because they are easier to clean and kill growing bacteria.

Silicone is hypoallergenic and free from plastic softening, phthalates that are in PVC, and certain types of rubber. They are firm and usually medical-grade, first-generation silicone. 

Silicone is one of the safest forms of rubber that can be inserted. While it is porous, its pores are so small it cannot harbor bacteria. The skin-like texture of silicone allows the toy to offer a true life-like experience. The material warms quickly to body temperature and holds the heat, making it even more pleasurable.

Phthalates should be avoided altogether. They are often in soft or cheap anal toys and can adversely affect the reproductive system. These toys tend to smell like plastic, and it is important to read the packaging and pay attention to the safety icons before using the toy.

Toy Cleaners are specifically made to kill bacteria and clean your toy. You can use warm water and antibacterial soap, but these cleaners are made with the toy in mind. Spray some on the toy, wipe it down with a warm damp cloth, and let it air dry.  Most toys should be stored in cool, dry places.

Boiling toys depends on the manufacturer’s guidelines. Heat-resistant anal toys can be sterilized through boiling only if the packaging says so. Submerge your toy in a pot of boiling water for 3 minutes. 

Prepping for the myth

Feces does not hang out in the rectum. It is there when you have to void, but if this is the case, the nerves sense this fullness and then tell the brain whether this is due to gas or stool. if you have this feeling – DO NOT proceed with anal until AFTER you poop.

If you so desire, enemas and douches work in the same way. You fill them with lukewarm water, gently squirt the water into your rectum and then sit on a toilet and let nature run its course. A douche holds around a cup’s worth of water, so this choice is easier for a quick rinse of the area once inside your anus.

An enema bag holds anywhere from one cup to around a half gallon. The more water you flush into your body, the more fecal matter will be loosened, so take your time and let your intestines work.

Regardless of your choice, always practice on a day when you do not plan on having anal sex at all. It often takes a few hours for your body to fully flush itself from an anal water cleanse. Once you get the hang of it, use a small amount of water in a douche about 45 minutes to 1 hour before you have sex if you are feeling the need to get extra fresh.

Just a reminder or notice – like most sex toys, sharing them increases your risk of giving or receiving an STI.  It is always safer, and it is best if you do not share your anal toys. Bacteria like E. coli and parasites can easily be transmitted through shared toys. If you happen to share, be sure to use a new condom each time.

If this article has left you with questions, feel free to reach out to me at [email protected].

If You Know Nothing Else About BDSM Activity…. Know This

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Aftercare – Aftercare is the emotional and physical care administered when a scene is over. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop.

Consent – Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship and maintaining it throughout the interactions. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.

Contract – An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It written or oral.

Dungeon – A location where BDSM play takes place (usually in a person’s home or at a club).

Fetish – An obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object. Usually required for a “release” to take place.

Kink – A relationship with an experience, body part, or object that arouses you but is not necessary to reach release.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) – This phrase describes what the BDSM community considers ethical behavior. Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual.

The Power of Breath in Pleasure

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The power of breath in pleasure and mindfulness cannot be understated, as it serves as the gateway to a more present, centered, and peaceful state of mind. I have taken this understanding into my world of increasing orgasm intensity, and in doing so releasing those beneficial whole-body hormones that we thrive from. The necessity for breath control in moments of pleasure, especially through the steps of orgasm, is life-changing.

In today’s fast-paced world, where the demands of daily life often leave us feeling stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, the practice of mindfulness has gained significant popularity as a way to find inner peace and balance. At the heart of mindfulness lies the simple yet profound act of paying attention to your breath.

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Mindfulness

Mindfulness, in its essence, is the practice of bringing one’s attention to the present moment without judgment. It is a mental state that encourages us to be fully aware of our thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise, with an attitude of acceptance and non-reactivity.

The breath is a perfect anchor for this practice, as it is always with us, supplying a continuous source of focus and a way to ground ourselves in the here and now. This is a very powerful tool in the art of completing the sexual response cycle. For all of its glory, the orgasm is a masterpiece of pleasure, sensations, and breath.

Breath

The breath is an ever-present, constant companion that connects us to the present moment. We can focus on it at any time, even during a pleasurable situation. By directing our attention to the breath, we immediately draw our minds out of the past or future and into the present.

Noting sources of pleasure, the stimuli, even the presence of the lover(s), and what they are doing to give you pleasure. Take in breath in a pattern that opens the flow of pleasure all over the body. From head to toe, your breath will change what you are feeling and with how much intensity.

The breath has a natural rhythm, with the inhale and exhale following one another in a steady, soothing cadence. When we pay attention to this rhythmic quality of the breath, we create a sense of stability and calm. This rhythmic focus can serve as an anchor, helping to still the turbulent waters of our thoughts and emotions in times of being mindful.

However, when you take control of your breath. When the build-up of pleasure sits in your belly and your vocal box vibrates, you can begin to control it and use it to raise the bar on the stimuli and as a direct result- the power of the orgasm.

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Our breath is closely connected to our emotional and mental states. When we are anxious or stressed, our breathing tends to become shallow and rapid. Conversely, in moments of calm and relaxation, our breath deepens and slows. By tuning into the breath, you can control the intensity.

Find your moment to take in a deep breath, to the count of six, and out for a count of four. Take note of what touches you are feeling, where the pressure is building, and when you become more connected with pleasure, change the rhythm of your breathing in for four and out for two.

If you are doing it now, you can see your pace is picking up. Imagine this being the waves of pleasure that ought to be flooding through you as you change your pace to in for two and out for two. Yes panting. Panting is a necessary part of breathing in pleasure. Panting is an awesome audible for your mate(s), and an indicator for them to keep up whatever it is that they are doing.

Mindful attention to the breath helps us ride waves on the orgasm path. We can see our emotional responses as they arise AND we can enjoy the benefits of the audio, visual, and physical aspects of what is going down in and around your body.

An increased amount of dopamine is flooding through you. Serotonin and oxytocin join their buddy dopamine and the sounds that sputter out around your breath should be ignored or used. Ignoring them takes any embarrassment off the table and allows you to drown in the pleasure.

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Using the sounds is powerful. This space between stimulus and response allows us to choose how we want to react to stimuli. When you are panting, you want more so don’t be afraid that this is the message you are sending out. You get what you ask for and you don’t always have to use words.

By practicing mindfulness through the breath, we can become more present, centered, and aware, leading to a richer and more fulfilling sex life. The breath is a timeless and readily available source of pleasure, waiting to be discovered within us. It is a reminder that pleasure can be found in the simple act of breathing, and the choice to be mindful of it is always within our grasp.

Penis Worshipping and the BDSM Community

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The BDSM community is a close knit in most communities all over the world.  When you find your happy dungeon, you have found a home in which you can enjoy your fetishes in a safe space. BDSM play is ever changing and looks different for all players. I could not create an exhaustive list of all the versions of play that can be developed. It is heavily dependent on the wants of the players.

Many individuals outside of the community believe that BDSM is some sort of abuse because they see the relationship between dom and sub as something the sub has no control over. This is so far from the truth and the reality of the practice.

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How does someone enter the world of BDSM?  This is different for everyone. A little exploration and you can find your local dungeons and/or swingers clubs. I am so excited that I can offer a place to play in Columbus, OH where all humans are free to come and play. Newbies can inquire about the space and visit on Thursdays so that they can explore their pleasure points.

I opened Shades Oasis with the intent to offer the BDSM community a location in an area highly underserved. The Midwest is known for its sexual activity and diversity in what people find pleasure in. I have been hosting kink parties all over the East Coast and opening my own space is a real dream come true.  

Masters in my area have helped me in creating a dungeon space where submissive and dominates can receive the pleasure they seek.

So, if you are ever in the area, come check out Shades Oasis. As a Clinical Sexologist I guide individuals through multiple orgasms and deliver a workshop during my events. One of the things that many people ask me to talk to them about is what to do with the rest of the penis born body. Meaning, after a hand job or a blow job then what?

I always suggest penis worshipping. Phallicism is what genital worshipping is. It is mainly performed in cuckold-type scenarios and can be done with no contact at all. An understanding of the penis structure will help in understanding pleasure points that you can stimulate to add additional pleasure and excitement.

A penis is twice as long as you think. Half the length of the penis is inside of the body. A healthy penis has five to six erections per day. Most of them nocturnal. While it is not clear why it happens, it is a sign that the penis is healthy. Individuals who understand their penis health can speak up about their penis pleasure.

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Letting the worshipper know what is going to work for them. The opening at the tip of the penis is the opening of the urethra tube. This tube is where sperm and urine pass through. Usually, the owner may feel a full bladder when they are about to ejaculate.

As the giver, knowing that the urethra opening can be stimulated for pleasure, means you can add a move when you get to the mouth portion of the ceremony.

As the giver, be sure you stay mindful that the penis has no bone. It is very possible to break the penis through vigorous sex but is less likely to happen if you are performing a blow job. Worshipping requires more of a verbal or fellatio activity.

Saying things like, “Your penis/dick is so powerful”, or “It looks so powerful”. Keeping eye contact, whisper things that lets them know you appreciate the privilege of worshipping the penis. The same with fellatio. Allow yourself to enjoy the penis. Moaning lets them know you are loving it.

However, you express your passion, let it wash over you so that you can have pleasure as well. What you need to do is focus on the penis unless the discussion was had about touching other areas of the genitals. For example, the raphe is the dividing line that runs across the middle of their genitalia from the anus to the tip of the penis, down over the perineum, scrotum, and shaft.

You can add intensity to the orgasm by using your tongue to trace over the line and teasing them into your mouth. The perineum is REALLY sensitive and worth exploring. Press your knuckles gently into this spot and massage. Worship the penis with and without touch. The thrill is in the power and intimacy shared in the moment.

WHAT TO DO WITH THE REST OF THEM

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So, you have performed oral, rode them crazy, and handled the penis like a stick shift. What else is there to do…to do…to do? Much! Adding some fresh and new techniques can spruce up what you have tried and tested before. The body has so many erotic points to be explored.

These zones are referred to as the erogenous zones and are areas on the body that cause arousal and extend, expand, and enlighten additional methods to orgasm. From the sides and back of the neck, armpits, chest, inner arms, and thighs, a tickle, a stroke or a lick causes the sensory anticipation to create a sexual response. While everyone may not enjoy this; often for them, it may tickle, hurt, or simply turn them off, the masses enjoy much pleasure from stimuli to these areas.

A mutual attraction does not necessarily exist to fully deliver pleasure either. In some cases, you do not even need to have met the person. This just happened to me when I got to meet Lorenzo4016 at the ASN Lifestyle Magazine Awards this year. I was forward facing and over my left shoulder, the deepest sound vibrated straight through me. I do not even remember exactly what he said but the bass and pace of the words made me jump as butterflies ran through me. Similarly, objects and images can stimulate the erogenous zones. Universally, it is upon touch in many areas of the body that can bring magnificent pleasure.

The response to pleasure is different in areas that have hair than in non-hair spaces. The hair on the body grows due to testosterone and the surface is known as epithelium. There are several different representations of these surfaces. Where there is less hair, it is reported to have more sensitivity. This is because bare areas like the inner arm, the back of the knees, or the underside of the toes can give us butterflies when touched. You can blindfold or use lube, feathers, lotion, or textures of any sort for any action you do on the body. Be mindful that anticipation is the goal of adding a sense of arousal. Anticipation is excitement, waiting eagerly for something you know is going to happen builds energy behind their pleasure.

Tip: Be prepared for any reaction and follow the lead of the person as you experiment.

IMAGINATION
This is not a tangible thing you can touch; you can definitely still stimulate this part of them. Let them have some time to consider your touch before your fingers arrive on their skin. The ultimate tease. Whisper in their ear softly and tell them all the things you are going to do to them without touching a hair on their body. Just pretend like you are sexting and say those things to them in real life.

ABDOMEN AND NAVEL
Many people find stimulation (kissing, biting, scratching, tickling, caressing) the abdomen to be pleasurable, especially close to the pubic region. It can cause strong arousal in individuals, in some even stronger than stimulation of the genitals. The navel is one of the many erogenous zones that has heightened sensitivity. The navel and the region below when touched by the finger or the tip of the tongue result in the production of erotic sensations.

SPINE
Known as the sacrum, the base of the spine is an erotic spot to lick, suck and massage for arousal. Follow its path with the pads of your fingers and with the tips of them. Both are different sensations that can give two types of pleasure.

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FINGERS
The tips of their fingers have many nerves and respond to even the lightest of touches. Human fingertips are the second-most sensitive parts of the body, after the tongue. Placing your finger or fingers into their mouth and massage the inner jaws, tongue, roof without reaching too far back to cause them to gag of course. Allow them to suck on your fingers and moan as they do to increase stimulation with touch, sound, and visual enticement. Brush your tongue along the fingertips. Pull their fingers into your mouth much as you would a penis. Use saliva to create a wetness while rolling your tongue over and around the fingers.

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ARMPITS
The erogenous zone of the armpits is a very individualized sensitivity experience. Because of its normal-haired dense texture, the nerve sensitivity is different for everyone. However, if you use intense and suspenseful touches and strokes, you should elicit some arousal. Don’t go too light as to tickle them. If using your mouth, you should be prepared to apply pressure based on the amount of hair that is there. Be sure your mate is clean unless your fetish is the musk of the area. Apply lots of pressure first and soften the touch based on their response.

ARMS
The softer skin of the inner arm and the crease, which is the mid-arm bend are very sensitive to hand, feet or mouth manipulation. Vigorous kneading and light kiss can induce erection and/or ejaculation without touching the penis. Where the arm bends is sensitive due to the lack of hair in the area. Obese people may have less sensitivity and folks with thinner skin may find the touches painful or uncomfortable at least.

HAIR
There are nerve endings on their scalp that are attached to the rest of their body, and when their hair is gently pulled when they are kissed or held, it sends stimulation to the rest of their body. While kissing, try running the tips of your fingers through the hair, over their scalp gently, then a bit harder with a tug. If they react with small sounds and pleasure moans, pull harder, then let go before they want you to. This playful tease with drive them legit crazy.

THE FEET IN GENERAL
Because of the concentration of nerve endings in the sole and digits of the human foot, and possibly due to the proximity between the area of the brain dealing with tactile sensations from the feet and the area dealing with sensations from the genitals, the sensations produced by both the licking of the feet and sucking of toes can be pleasurable to some people. Similarly, massaging the sole of the foot can produce similar stimulation. Many people are extremely ticklish in the foot area, especially on the soles. There’s a reason why reflexology massages are so popular. Be gentle and with adding pressure can be erotic for some. You can apply pressure from your tongue or fingertips to give a massage that advances with their response. Start by using some massage oil and massaging the feet, especially the arch of the foot.



TOES
Shrimpin’ anyone? Yes, this is what it’s called when you suck on your partner’s toes. This is so erotic because feet are a nonconventional hotbed of sensation just waiting for some stimulation. During sexy foreplay, move your kisses teasingly down their body until you’re all the way down to their feet. Suck on your partner’s toes—or even lick the bottom of their foot arch.

BUTT CHEEK
They are going to be extra sensitive here. Striking their butt cheek, even lightly, tends to stimulate the whole area. Think of it like a slow vibration flowing through their insides. If your mate is open to a little spank play, this is great to do while they are on top of you in any variation of missionary. Squeeze their booty when they are hitting just the right spot, Give them a quick spank if you’re both into it. A great act to try is surfing, a baby oil butt ride. Simple and erotic. Oil or other wet substances in the sex act is a fetish. Most call it sloshing. Place towels or additional sheets on the bed/surface and generously pour baby oil on your entire front and their entire body. Use your body to massage theirs, rub, apply pressure, stroke and knead their body to orgasm. Be aware of the oil ingredients BEFORE using your mouth.

THE PHILTRUM
The small groove above the lips have long been considered an erogenous zone. Philtrum, translates from the Latin word for “love potion.” To stimulate the philtrum, plant a very soft kiss on this area, right before running your tongue down the groove to meet their upper lip.

INNER THIGH
Since the inner thigh is so close to the genitals, even without the sensation of touch, just being in that area is sure to get them anticipating what’s next. Take your time to kiss and lick their inner thigh before going to touch the genitals when performing oral. Tease them and experiment with your lips. You can go from light fluttering kisses to harder sucking. It may tickle or it may feel like butterflies in the belly. Use long strokes from knee to groin. DO NOT touch the genitals, including the anus. Be sure to stay focused on inner skin with a soft tongue and the rest of the legs with a little more pressure.

BOTTOM LIPS
The lips in general are one of the most sensitive parts of the body. Take your time while kissing. There’s a reason why nibbling and variation in pressure can drive you over the edge when done correctly. Gentle and with added pressure can be erotic for some. You can apply pressure from your tongue or fingertips to give a massage that advances with their response. Nibbling their bottom lips and possibly even going for a harder bite. The sensations of going from a tender kiss to some teeth will surprise your mate and excite the brain.

THE OUTSIDE OF THE LOWER LIP
The area between the lower lip and the chin is an erogenous zone for most. It is packed with extra sensitive nerve receptors. Suck their lower lip into your mouth the next time you’re making out and use the tip of your tongue to stroke this under-lip area. That motion stimulates the whole erogenous zone in a teasing way, which will put them on the erotic edge. Keeping the lower lip inside yours magnifies the sensation. It’ll feel as if electric currents are shooting from your lips straight to your genitals.

V-LINES
The V-zone is a hot bed of pleasure for your partner, not only is it a turn-on that they have front-row tickets to watch you stimulate them, but it’s an easy pit stop to make on the way to downtown. Have them lay on their back while you straddle them and give them what they really want. Starting from their belly button, use your fingers and nails to trace a line down from the happy trail stopping before you hit total genitals. Then retrace your steps but use your tongue to trace a V shape from their hips to right above the genitals. Draw it out and really tease them until they can’t take it any longer.

NECK
The Adam’s apple is an erogenous zone, thought behind this stems from how the thyroid (just below the Adam’s apple) is closely linked to the sex organs. The clavicle area and the back of the neck have sensitive nerve endings that can be stroked or licked to arousal. Suck, (hickey?) kiss and squeeze the neck. Have them lie on their back and literally just suck the Adam’s apple. Keep your tongue flat and light, not too much pressure! For all individuals, you can massage the area with wide circular motions to ensure you’re hitting that T-spot of the thyroid.

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THE DIP UNDER THE BACK OF THE ANKLE
This is the spot that may get bruised when you wear new shoes. There is a fingertip-sized pressure point that holds enormous passion potential. This spot is linked to the sex organs and pressing it releases energy, producing feelings of pleasure. While in reverse cowgirl, grab their feet and pulse each pressure point in rhythm with your thrusts. Try this right before they are about to climax to really blow their mind.

EARLOBES
You may know the feeling you get from someone whispering in your ear. Playing with the earlobes can be very sensual and send shivers down the spine. Kiss your partner across their shoulder, up the neck, and stop right before you hit the ear. Do this to both sides. When they are right about to lose it, start kissing the earlobe, and use your tongue to bring the earlobe into your mouth. Play around with gentle nibbles, tongue, etc. Be careful not to touch any other part of their body while doing this and see how wild they get from you just touching the earlobes. A wonderful place to caress, kiss, lick, bite or suck.

The body is a true wonderland of pleasure. There are so many places to stimulate that intimacy should never be boring. If you find yourself in a rut, pick up a copy of Climax: The Power of Great Sex and start to give or ask for some whole-body stimulation.

Debra Shade, ACS
Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and Master Sexpert

Orgasm Mediation Is Good for You

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An orgasm meditation is very calming and relaxing. That storm of hormones and chemicals that are produced through AROUSAL leads to the pleasure of release. Orgasm mediation is the matter of being still and calm before starting to stimulate yourself or with a mate, go through motions of stimulation through the orgasm and at that moment, take the time to have your breath go from panting to slow intakes and long releases. Eyes open or close, continue to breathe and you will become calmer.

Visualize how relaxed your body is. Note your neck and the lack of tension in it, move to your shoulders, let them rest into the support you are leaning against. Your forearms, hands, fingers. Take the evaluation through your body as you are breathing in deep belly breathes and letting out long exhales. Imagine that air flowing freely through your relaxed body. Your arousal may return as you are noting your body in a new way. A softer way. Orgasm meditation is a method training your attention and awareness to achieve a mentally clear, emotional calm state of being that allows you to mindfully remain in that state when you stand up.

@shadeyontop if you have questions, I have answers! Book some time with me.

Anal Fingering

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Fingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina. They may enjoy some anal action too. I say “may” because not every person enjoys anal stimulation. If they do, then anal fingering is a great place to start, before progressing further to full anal sex. If they don’t, then it’s not a biggie, just focus on some other fun orgasm techniques whether that’s oral on the vagina or making them squirt.

Before you jump into it, you need to be aware that the anus doesn’t self-lubricate itself like the vagina does, so you’re going to need some lube. LOTS of it. Saliva will usually work but is less sanitary and dries out quicker. Keep the lubricant nearby in case you do need to drop on some more. Coat your finger and the outside of the anus with some lube, then slowly press your lubed finger into the rectum and lube up that space.

The person needs to be aroused.  All orgasms are stifled if the arousal level is not high enough. You need to get the hormones and chemical’s that play a role in the orgasm process activated and that happens through arousal. Make sure to take it extra slow and listen to their feedback. The sphincter takes a while to relax, so if you force your finger inside of it before it’s relaxed, then it’s going to hurt them. Instead, you should maintain a soft pressure to allow their sphincter to relax around your finger. Once it does, then you can slowly push it in and around. Try not to go in and out unless you are asked for it. While fingering anally, you can also rub the clit with your spare hand for extra stimulation.

ImportantFingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina and do not touch their vagina after fingering them anally. You will be bringing bacteria from the anus to the vagina which will risk them getting bacterial vaginosis or something worse. Wash your hand(s) thoroughly after any anal action. This also applies to anything else you put in the rectum.

@shadeyontop if you have questions, I have answers! Book some time with me.

HOW TO FINGER A VAGINA INTERNALLY

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Whether you’re aiming for G-spot stimulation, or you just want to rub the A-spot or entire vagina canal in general, these tips can help.

• Use lube.
• Make sure your fingernails are cut short and filed smoothly.
• The same goes for rough hands.
• Wash your hands beforehand to avoid spreading bacteria, which can cause infection.
• Start with one finger.  You can always add more (some individuals like four fingers or even to be fisted), you want to give them time to get used to each finger as you rub the vagina internally.

• Pay attention to their responses.   If they get tense, pull away, seems disinterested, or is in pain, do less of that. If they moan, breathe heavier, get closer to you, keep it up!

@shadeyontop debra.shade.youcanbook.me

LOVING THE LABIA

Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

While the labia are not as sensitive as the clit, there are a lot of very enjoyable ways you can pleasure and stimulate them. Slowly rubbing them up and down like can bring them close to orgasm without them climaxing, which makes for great foreplay. Do not forget that lube will make stroking the labia feel so much more pleasurable for her.

Many vulva owners can become really sensitive after climaxing from clitoral stimulation. It may even become painful for them if you touch it immediately, so you will want to hold off further stimulation for a few minutes. This makes the labia the perfect option for focusing on until that clitoris calms down and returns to normal sensitivity. If the labia are long enough, you can also rub the clitoris through them if it is too sensitive for direct stimulation.

@shadeyontop If I left you with some questions, let me know!