Monday, May 20, 2019

Erotic Hypnosis: Safety & Consent Tips


If you have an interest in learning and enjoying personal, recreational erotic hypnosis – here are a number of important points for beginners to consider right from the start.

Make sure you learn some basic hypnosis techniques before trying anything erotic. Learn how to get your subject to relax (you can read a progressive relaxation script from a hypnosis book); learn how to deliver simple, positive instructions in the present tense; and learn how to “emerge” your subject from hypnosis. (They will come out of it by themselves, but emerging is a courtesy that provides closure and should never be neglected.)

You’ll want to have clear, careful conversations with you partner about what is accepted, expected, and unacceptable in a session.

Some erotic hypnotist couples like to eroticize and create a fantasy “forbidden” “mind control” experience of hypnosis. In this way, the myths of hypnosis are enacted in a mutually agreed upon fantasy and made momentarily, erotically “true.” Even so, remember that these myths are just that – and that any person can emerge from the fantasy intact.

Rules For Erotic Hypnosis

1) Always stick with negotiated agreements. Be clear about hard and soft boundaries regarding sensations, subject matter, fantasy play, and anything else you need to be comfortable and safe.

2) Build negotiated agreements right into hypnosis script.

3) Use a hypnosis script, including all elements of session. If you are enacting the hypnotist role, let your hypnotic subject read it first and be open to suggestions for changing the script. If you are the subject, remember you can emerge from hypnosis at any time, on your own, if something is not right.

4) Do several hypnosis sessions which are not sexual in nature first, to build trust and confidence (your own and your partner’s).

5) Be aware of “triggers” from sex abuse history. Strongly reconsider using erotic hypnosis in this case. Consult a licensed sex therapist to talk over this kind of erotic play.

6) Other contraindications: if undergoing psychiatric treatment or taking psycho-active meds (such as anti-depressants); if relationship is in trouble – the level of trust between partners may not be enough; avoid hypnosis during times of major upheaval and change.

7) Have a plan for abreactions. Abreactions are (usually rare) times when a person may be upset by subconscious material. Practice calming breath techniques in advance or learn and use EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping on accupressure points).

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You can also create a scripted response for calming, helping.

8) Decide on your safe words in advance (red, yellow, green can work well) and create an ideomotor response (gesture, hand signal) that can also indicate “stop.”

9) If you’re into kinky play, don’t mix hypnosis and real-life bondage – use imaginary, “hypnotic” ropes instead. Never leave your hypnotized subject alone. Also use the highest standards for physical, mental, and emotional safety – agreed upon with your partner.

10) Don’t breach trust by giving suggestions to “change” partner. Always use positive language, encouragement.

11) If you are enacting the hypnotist role, stay attentive and focused. Remember that you, too, might get a little “trancey” so using scripts can help you stay present.

Earth Day Report! Safe Sex & Climate Change

When you hear the words “Earth Day” and “sustainable condoms” in the same sentence you might think that a company is pushing reusable condoms. To that, we’d say “we’re green, but not that green.” But what Sustain Condoms is actually up to is leading the charge in the eco-friendly side of sex products by being the first sustainable, non-toxic, Fair Trade- certified brand of condoms marketed to women. Oh, and they’re also helping to fix that pesky climate change problem – one condom at a time.

Sustain’s founders, the father/daughter duo of Jeffrey and Meika Hollender, who also revolutionized the eco-friendly household product industry with their Seventh Generation line, have connected the dots between safe sex, overpopulation, and climate change in the Earth Day infographic below. In brief, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change recently reported that increased population is one of the two most important drivers of global climate change. It states that up to 30% of CO2 emissions could be reduced by slowing down global population, which is growing at a rate of 78 million people per year – that’s 220,000 people a day and 9,000 people every hour.

One issue here is the fact that this population increase is the result of unplanned (and sometimes unwanted) pregnancies, according to the Guttmacher Institute study that showed 51% of all pregnancies were not planned. Sustain’s mission is to provide universal access to contraception to help women plan their families, which might in turn slow population growth and reduce the burden on the environment by lowering greenhouse-gas emissions. To that end, Sustain launched 10%4Women, in which they donate 10% of their profits to women’s reproductive health organizations in the U.S., including Planned Parenthood.

So, as Sustain’s Earth Day 2015 logo says: Have (Safe) Sex. Save the World. #safersexbetterworld

Earth Day Infographic


Erotic Hypnosis – Yes, You CAN Try This at Home!

Imagine coming home from stressful day at work and settling into a comfortable chair. You turn off your cell phone. Your partner brings you a glass of water and invites you to close your eyes and breathe deeply. As you drop deeper into your breath, you begin to relax, allowing yourself to go deeper. Your mind opens to the soothing words you hear from your partner: loving words of appreciation, support, and encouragement. Your imagination opens to receive positive suggestions for your self-esteem and happiness. After five minutes, you open your eyes and smile at your partner – alert and refreshed. You feel confident in your emotional bond, and now happily to return the favor. You feel so close.

Later, at night, you have a desire to be intimate, but your partner seems tired or on edge. You ask your partner to close his or her eyes, and begin to breathe through the perineum (also known as the location of the oh-so-sexy root chakra). As your partner breathes and relaxes, and draws vibrant, vital energy through the perineum and up into the spine and the rest of the body, you notice that he or she is becoming aroused. You offer suggestions that your partner will feel vital, alive, and fully charged with erotic energy and desire. Soon, you no longer have to give verbal “suggestions” – you both find yourself fully aroused and engaged in the hottest sex you’ve had in weeks.

These are just two types of simple erotic techniques that can be used to bring your body and your mind – and that of your lover – into erotic alignment. A burgeoning group of amateur, erotic hypnotists are using hypnosis to increase the intensity and variety of sensations, to have powerful fantasy experiences, and even to create and experience hypnotic orgasms. And much more!

Super-charge your love life by combining simple hypnosis with erotic stories and film plots, love poems, tantra techniques, and various forms of kinky play. Take turns playing the role of the hypnotist or the hypnotized subject, or even engage in mutual hypnosis! If you’re on your own, add self-hypnosis to an evening of self-pleasure and feel how easy it is to have even more fun than usual.

Click here for Erotic Hypnosis Safety & Consent tips.

Millennial Sex Survey: Lots of Sex Assault, Little Sex Ed

A recent Sex survey of 15-35 year-olds born between 1980-2000 found that 75% of women and 71% of men thought that “sexual assault is somewhat or very common” on university campuses. 15% of millennial women say they have been sexually assaulted. Meanwhile, 37% of those surveyed report that “sex ed classes were not helpful to them in making sex or relationship decisions.” 23% of them did not have any sex classes in high school, while those who attended religious high schools reported even less “health” classes, confirming that   Catholic schools do a great job with the sex education.

The study, entitled “How race and religion shape millennial attitudes on sexuality and reproductive health” was conducted by the Public Religion Research Institute in Washington, D.C. It also found that 18% of women took the morning after pill, and that people learned about sexual health from their doctors, their friends, and the internet more often than their parents, who are often too embarrassed to talk about it. Even scarier is the revelation that students report both sexual harassment and sexual assault not only occur frequently in college and high school, but in middle school. Note to today’s parents who are terrified of discussing sexual safety and sexual health with their teenage and twenty-something kids: as Joan Rivers used to say “Can we talk?”

How Colors Reveal Your Sexual Style

Did you know the color someone wears may reflect his or her sexual preferences? That’s right, the color of your clothes is actually giving people clues to your sexual personality. Find your favorite color in this article below, and see if the associated sexual patterns represent you.


Red is energizing and exciting, a call to action for lovers who like to initiate and engage fully. It connotes confidence and passion, and can produce feelings of craving, whether for food or sex. Red lovers are easily aroused and once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. Natural explorers, red lovers can also be impulsive and not too concerned with detail, so make sure your sex is safe and consensual!


Dressed all in black? You might prefer kinky sex. Black connotes mystery and hidden charms, but also hidden agendas. Many lovers of black clothes are masochistic or sadistic in nature and love the dynamic of serious power play in the bedroom. When you put on a pair of black leather pants or boots, don’t you automatically feel wilder? Black can be perceived as powerful and unfriendly, but it also exudes sophistication and elegance, often the choice for high society events. It creates a barrier between ourselves and the world around us which allows us to protect our secrets.


Gray connotes a lack of emotion. Unable to commit to the mystery of black or the illumination of white, people who prefer gray aren’t quite sure what they get excited about. It’s a solid and stable color that promotes logic and reason instead of passion. Men who wear gray might look at sex as a way of relieving tension, and women might be focused on having sex to procreate or accommodate their partner. While gray can be formal and elegant, it’s not glamorous or attention-seeking in any way. Conservative and self-sufficient, a gray wearer may find themselves lonely from shutting down their emotions when it comes to new relationships.


Affectionate and exuding inner peace, people who love blue make wonderful sex partners, sensitive to their partner’s needs, and invested in making love into a fine art.  With honestly, trust and loyalty as defining qualities, blue lovers are ‘givers’ who like to build strong relationships and bask in the glory of a successful union. Not quick to judge or change, they may need to think things over at first (like a new sexual request or fantasy), but when they commit, they go all the way with a passion that goes much deeper than lust.


Combining the passion of red with the purity of white, pink is all about unconditional love, romance and intimate caring. Pink can alleviate anger, aggression and resentment, but beware that it also connotes naivete and inexperience, which is why paired with a stronger color like black, it becomes subversive and twice as sexy. Pink lovers embrace sensuality and are likely to spend time indulging their bodies with massage or baths, inviting you to join them on their journey of self-love and nurturing. Sex can be wild, but it’s always fulfilling, as pink lovers won’t rest until each partner is satisfied.


Orange is cheerful and enthusiastic, emphasizing the intuition and ‘gut feelings’ we all possess. Highly adventurous and extroverted, wearers of orange not only lean toward sexual fantasies, but making those fantasies come true! While impulsive and risk-taking, orange also connotes great communication and positive spirit. You can count on someone who loves the color orange to engage with you in conversation and steer it into spirited new directions, right up until you’re undressing each other. Expect an assertive, intuitive lover who values foreplay as much as sex, and could venture into ‘naughty’ behavior if the instinct is there.


Yellow is creative and independent, the choice for people who communicate well and love to indulge new and exciting ideas, like new sexual positions, sexual fantasies or sex outdoors. Complications often come along with yellow, whether it’s the need for an additional sexual partner, or another ‘appetite’ demanding attention. Satisfying the yellow personality involves a lot of spontaneity (think quickies!) and coming up with new relationship patterns so things never get dull.


Lovers of purple or violet have the energetic qualities of red combined with the trusting stamina of blue, making them giving lovers with a strong charismatic pull. Highly sensitive and compassionate, they indulge bodily desires frequently and with great variation of intensity – expect a lover who can enjoy a quickie just as much as a big production. Spiritual people often lost in the world of imagination, purple lovers are also great candidates for sexual fantasy and role play, getting caught up in everything from the sexy story to the details of the costumes. Remember their need to stand out in a crowd, and be rewarded for their individuality.


Green wearers balance the mental clarity of yellow and the emotional depth of blue. They know the type of partner they’re looking for, and are willing to commit fully when they find it. They love to observe, finding voyeuristic fantasies extremely erotic, sometimes even in groups, as green-lovers are also known to be excellent hosts who value prosperity and abundance. Greens are not action-oriented and do not like to take risks, but their sexual generosity is unparallelled when they feel safe and loved, and their relationship loyalty is rock solid.


Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Down-to-earth and extremely loyal, browns may be fearful of losing ‘control’ during sex which can be overcome with intensely intimate foreplay that ensures there is all the time and privacy in the world for emotions to blossom. You can’t say, “I love you” often enough to a lover of brown. Security and loyalty are paramount, with a strong desire to build relationships toward a larger goal of family or permanent partnership.


White is pure and cleansing, connoting youth and innocence, and in turn, an innocent or sometimes dismissive view of sexuality.  White lovers crave simplicity, which can either manifest as an uncomplicated casual relationship or the reliable routine of marriage. With a tendency for fanatical perfection, whites can sometimes be prudish, not wanting any of their physical ‘flaws’ to be seen in the light. They would rather hide any imperfections and present a ‘perfect’ exterior. It may be a challenge to openly communicate sexual needs and desires.

Chemicals In Some Sex Lubes Can Cause Bacterial Vaginosis


Oregon-based Good Clean Love has been working in conjunction with Johns Hopkins University on a study about baterial vaginosis, which has been found to unknowingly increase in women using lubricants with added petrochemicals, the same ones used to lube up a car’s engine.
The company has been producing organic, chemical free sex lubes for 11 years, but in recent years the women-owned company gained international attention because of the organic movement and the need for products that are safe. Recognizing this need for the millions of women who suffer from Bacterial Vaginosis  due to petrochemicals that make them sick, Good Clean Love fills the hole, literally.
Check out their Almost Naked Organic Personal Lubricant and “Love Oils” that are made with Apricot Oil, Organic Jojoba Oil and pure essential oil blends. The Love Oils are vegan, edible, glycerin-free, and do not contain questionable, bacteria inducing chemicals. Available at or Whole Foods.


Creating Your Own 50 Shades Sexperience

With the movie Fifty Shades of Grey becoming a global phenomenon (earning over 400 million globally in ticket sales in the first two weeks), it is very likely that many couples will be heading home to create their own “Red Room” of pain or pleasure (if they don’t end up in handcuffs before ever leaving the theater itself, that is). So, while you may be tempted to masturbate at the movies during some of the hot, sexy scenes, or worse!, I encourage you to create your own fifty shades of grey experience in a safe, sane and consensual fashion.

50 Shades movie pic

Your Contract

In the film, Christian and Anastasia negotiate the terms of their contract, which will not include any activities than are non-consensual, and she defines her list of limits (activities she will not do). Before you create your own “Red Room,” you and your lover (or play partner) should have a talk about what activities you will try out and which ones are off limits (don’t go there). This is super important before taking part in any type of kinky play (or sex for that matter), so partners can stay within the boundaries of that agreement and construct a safe space to play within, both physically and emotionally. This safe environment allows both parties to better immerse themselves more deeply into the play, knowing their limits are already defined and that they have a secure space to explore their fantasies together. Please note: exploring fantasies in a safe, negotiated, consensual environment is much different than a real life. Many people have fantasies about being bound, whipped, raped and dominated, but in real life No means NO!

While it is not necessary to have a written contract, a BDSM Checklist can inspire you to add different elements to your play you may not have thought about, as well as learn about activities you may want to avoid. Here is the actual contract from 50 Shades that you can print out and share. Here is a BDSM checklist similar to one that I have used in the past.

Also noted in the books and used in BDSM play is the use of a safe word or words. The word “Yellow” is used during a play scene to bring attention to the dominant/top that the submissive/bottom is close to their limit of endurance, or that the dominant needs to slow down, stop or change the activity. “Yellow” could also indicate the need for a break, or water, or that the submissive is getting dizzy, overwhelmed, etc…, so this is when the dominant checks in the with sub to see what’s going on. Of course, the dominant (or giver) should be constantly checking in with the submissive (receiver) during an entire scene by paying attention to their body language and making sure they are okay verbally. “Red” means stop activity immediately and completely, and usually indicates that the submissive has met their limits. A smart and empathetic dominant will hopefully never make their partner use the “Red” word, as they are constantly paying attention to their partner’s needs. It is not cool to push limits, unless this is previously negotiated. The reason safe words are used in BDSM play is because a submissive may say “No!” during a scene, or “stop!” when in actuality they want their partner to continue, as they are playing a role. They know that this is a fantasy and that their partner will not really hurt them. This is how a BDSM fantasy differs than real life when No does mean No!

50 Shades movie pic 3

The Scene

The atmosphere you create for a scene can be very important, allowing both partners to get into the roles better. There are lots of ways to create a seductive (or intimidating) Red Room scene by using music, lighting, fabric, props, tools and attire. In 50 Shades they used a lot of red, black and brown: red walls, dark furniture, dark colored play toys and lots of leather. You can easily create a sense of this by draping the walls with red fabric, hanging toys from chains, and spreading red “pleather” over the bed. Using candles can go a long way to create atmosphere as well, but just be careful not to turn your play space into a red fiery blaze. I personally like the metal sconces you can get from dollar stores that have flickering lights that look like candle light. Much safer when your mind is elsewhere.

For bondage furniture you can DIY your own make-shift pervertables like a spanking bench made out of a padded chair or an old saw horse wrapped in leather. There are designs online for creating a Saint Andrew’s Cross or other dungeon furniture if you are handy with tools. Then again, you can purchase sex toy furniture rather cheaply that can be used in a pinch like over-the-door restraints, or bedroom bondage kits.

50 Shades movie pic 4

Play Toys

There are several types of play toys that Christian uses on Anastasia during the movie. Remember it takes time learning how to use new tools, so be careful and try to learn various techniques before you start playing on an actual living body. There are lots of sources for learning including DVDs, books and local play groups which hold Kink Aware demos and workshops.

Bondage Toys—In the movie, Christian uses various types of bondage equipment to tie Ana up with. There is the infamous grey tie he uses to wrap around her wrists, along with bondage rope and leather hand cuffs.

Safety Bondage Tips
  • Always have safety scissors on hand in case of an emergency.
  • Learn as much as you can about a bondage technique before trying it. Read, watch, practice and if possible get an experienced mentor to show you the ropes. If you can’t go to a workshop, buy some good bondage books or DVDs to learn the ropes.
  • Learn where the basic pulse points are located on the wrists, upper-inner thigh and throat and avoid crossing these with direct pressure from the ropes.
  • Ropes should fit snugly, but not too tight so as to avoid serious injury from loss of blood supply to the bound part. You should be able to slip one to two fingers under the ropes.
  • Avoid metal hand cuffs if you are a novice as they can chafe, and don’t secure too snugly which will cut of circulation. Plus, you wouldn’t want to be one of the enthusiasts who lost their key and had to call the paramedics to un-cuff them.
  • Never bind rope around the front of someone’s throat.
  • Never leave someone bound alone. Skin should be constantly observed for numbness, coldness, and discoloration, as circulation decreases.
  • Test new bondage techniques for 10 to 15 minutes before trying longer time limits.
  • Avoid placing pressure on the Brachial Plexus nerve which runs along the back near the scapula (shoulder blade).

Blindfolds are awesome sensory tools that can be used to limit your partner’s vision which in turn fires up their other senses. Suddenly, every noise, touch, or whispered breathe becomes charged with eroticism when your other senses are enhanced and aroused.

Sensation Play

Sensation play toys include anything that can create a different, often sensual, sensation on your play partner. There is a sexy scene in the movie where Christian uses ice between his lips to run down Ana’s body. Other sensation play toys include feathers < >, silk or satin (for a soft touch), or vampire gloves and pin wheels (for a prickly touch).

Crops and Floggers

Crops and floggers are otherwise called percussion toys. Crops are very firm, thin and can deliver quite a nasty sting, so should be used with caution. They are excellent when used for positioning your sub and correcting posture, or quick light smacks. Floggers are usually made of leather or suede and have several fronds hanging from a handle. They can be used as a deep massaging type of percussion play tool on the back, the butt, between the thighs, stomach and chest. They can be wielded a bit harder than a crop with less pain, as they provide a thuddy, broader impact.

Those are only a few of the types of BDSM toys you can use for sexy kinky consensual play. There are also kits available such as Dr. Ava’s How to Couples BDSM Kit which has an instructional DVD by Dr. Ava Cadell, so perfect for beginners with lots of juicy tips. For experienced players who like a kit that can do everything and is travel friendly, there is Ms. Ming’s awesome Pocket Dungeon Kit. And, of course, there are all the Official Fifty Shades of Grey products endorsed by E.L. James herself.

So, now that you have the tools to create your own Red Room of pain and pleasure, don’t forget to play consensually. I don’t want to read anymore about idiots blaming Fifty Shades of Grey for their own ignorance or using it as an excuse to assault someone else. Ending up in hand cuffs is much more enjoyable as a fantasy place scene, than it is in real life.

Unique Orgasms With Dr. Ava Cadell & Dr. Hernando Chaves @ Sexual Health Expo

The first ever Sexual Health Expo was a huge success with a dazzling trade floor and enlightening, entertaining panels filling each day’s schedule. Hosted by Emily Morse, there were talks by dozens of renowned sexologists like Charlie Glickman, Jaiya, Elle Chase, Sex Nerd Sandra, Ashley Manta and many, many more. My presentation was on Unique Orgasms and Dr. Hernando Chaves was my co-presenter. We had two life-like torso dolls, donated by Pipedreams and, which we called Quasimodo and Esmerelda – they were the life of the party, allowing us to demonstrate everything from a perineum orgasm to a quadra-gasm and beyond.

Watch the highlight reel of our standing-room-only presentation, and don’t miss the hilarious cameo appearance by Ron Jeremy!

Dr. Ava Gives Women’s Health Tips On Secrets To Male Sexual Stamina

Zahra Barnes uncovers the secrets to boosting male stamina in this Women’s Health article that features tips from Sexual Health Expo‘s Sexpert of the Year Dr. Ava Cadell. Read the full piece here. She mentions everything from pumpkin to penis exercises, cock rings to testicle play, so find out a number of ways to help your male lover last longer – without coming out and asking.

But if you’re the type to talk things through, consider the gift of a male ‘pelvic gym’ to really boost his sex muscles. Renowned urologist Dr. Andrew Siegel has developed a system for strengthening pelvic muscles to make erections stronger, reduce premature ejaculations and heighten orgasms called the Private Gym – it’s the first pelvic exercise program to be registered with the FDA.

Happy stamina boosting!