One of the things I hear so often from women who come to do a boudoir photo session with me is “Ohh it’s not for me, it’s just for my partner”. Most of the time though, when we start digging deeper and talking, it comes down to something along the lines of “Well I actually really wanted to do it for myself” or “I wanted to find my sexual self again”.
For those of you who might not be familiar with what boudoir photography is, it is an intimate type of photography that allows women to reconnect with their femininity, sexuality and deeper self-acceptance. You can see some examples of my work here or my Instagram if this makes you curious.
This got me thinking. Why is it that in our modern society, women still feel safer to say that their sensual portraits are for the pleasure of a man than they are for their own pleasure?
Sexual Shame Runs Deep
Sexual shame runs deep. It is passed from mother to daughter, from generation to generation. For centuries, as women, we depended on our sexuality for our survival. It was traded, offered, used and misused by everyone around. If ever we dared to reclaim it and use it for our advantage or pleasure, we were labelled whores and shamed if not killed for it.
Still up until today, sexuality is not something that is openly discussed in most families. Girls are still regularly called sluts if they dare to show interest in their own sexuality. There is often a subtle undercurrent message that a woman’s job is to satisfy the man, that she is there for his pleasure. This lack of open dialogue, and frankly sexual education, creates mystery and everything that is mysterious, unknown, is scary. So many women chose to fall back in the safety of the known story, in the comfort of the status quo, without ever daring to step into the unfamiliar territory of sexual sovereignty.
Staying A Victim
Some women will also have a tendency to blame men. Trying to make them responsible for the shame they carry. If this is you, I feel you sister, your pain used to be my pain. My wounded feminine was raging. However blaming never fixed anything. We need to realize that we collectively co-created this system where the woman’s sexuality is not hers. Where her body doesn’t belong to her. Where her virginity is a gift to be offered. Where an aspect of her being, the most sacred and powerful one, the energy of life creation itself should be repressed and its fire suffocated.
No one has the power to make us believe something without our consent. This might be triggering to some, but until we take full ownership of our part in this co-creation, we can not fully heal. We will be stuck in the role of a victim, blaming men. A victim by definition, has no power. Staying in the victim mode keeps us locked in a powerless position, waiting for something in the external world to change our situation, to come and fix this.
The more the women awaken to their power, the more they CHOSE to not believe the story fed to us, the more they decide to question the status quo, question why we say things we say or do the things we do, the more consciousness we will bring to all aspects of our life, including our sexuality.
Our Sexuality is Sacred
Our sexuality is sacred. It is the primal energy of creation, it is the life force running through us inviting us to manifest. It is pleasurable and divine. When we disconnect from it, when we shame it, when we don’t stand in our sexual sovereignty we can never experience the wholeness and the sacredness of our being.
A sexual woman is a powerful woman. Not in the manipulative seductress way. That’s an expression of a wounded feminine, where she needs to manipulate to feel power. But in a fully anchored, incarnated sacred queen, standing in her magnificence, owning all aspects of her being and gently using this power to create more light.
If you want to shift from being a powerless victim to a powerful woman, if you want to reclaim all aspects of your being and return to your sexual wholeness, then it is important to stop the blaming and bring more consciousness to our own behavior and patterns. To start realizing where you are giving your power away through your beliefs, words, and your actions.
Where Are You Giving Away Your Sexual Power?
Can you think of one way in which you have been giving your sexual power away? Maybe something you used to do before? Something you are still doing now? Perhaps you are still performing when in a relationship with a partner, focusing primarily on their pleasure and their thoughts about you, rather than on your own pleasure and sensations?
Maybe you are still saying yes, when deep down it’s a no?
Deprogramming sexual shame, is a big component of my 1:1 coaching work with my clients and we talk a lot about this in my Facebook Community. One tip I would love to share is next time you enter a sexual encounter, pay close attention to your internal dialogue. Ask yourself who am I focusing on right now and why.
I am not saying you should not focus on the pleasure of your partner. We absolutely should, it’s a beautiful give and take flow of energy. I am however inviting in more consciousness into our sexuality, as the sexual shame might be subtle and intricately woven into our unconscious habits.
Big hug beauties, keep shining your light and remembering your power.
Hot!