Welcome to this beginner’s guide to creating your very own BDSM fantasy. If you are curious (and excited!) about exploring different types of KINK activities, but don’t know where to start, this guide will give you lots of sexy ideas, tips and techniques to create your own “Fifty Shades” experience.
I know, you can thank me later 😉
The “Fifty Shades” Phenomena
Table of Contents
Until quite recently, BDSM was something only for kinky folks, done in some scary dungeon in the middle of suburbia with a bunch of sexual deviants dressed in leather corsets wielding cat o’nine tail whips! (Okay we weren’t all deviant, just a bit perverted!).
But, BDSM is nothing new. People have been exploring their kinky fantasies since, well… like forever. And, while they may have been a bit taboo and done behind closed doors, kinky fantasies have always been a popular pastime, at least in our collective imaginations.
According to Nancy Friday, author of My Secret Garden (1973), women entertain many secret kinky fantasies, the most popular of which include: The Surrender of Control, Dominance & Submission and Spanking. For men, their top kinky fantasies range from Women in Authority (yes, those ladies in wielding the whips) and Cuckolding, to Dominance & Submission.
We’ve come a long way since 1973, and with the release of E.L. James popular erotic trilogy Fifty Shades in 2011, BDSM has become even more mainstream, taking hold of popular culture’s imagination. It is no wonder then that “vanilla” peeps worldwide have had both their curiosity and libidos piqued, desiring to bring the Fifty Shades fantasies into their own bedrooms to create their own “Red Room” of pain and pleasure.
The problem with that however, is that what you see and read in mainstream media is only fantasy, and while it may have been sexy onscreen, trying some of those activities at home may not turn out the way you expect. Bummer!
Let’s just say there is a right way to explore BDSM, and a wrong way. So, hopefully this guide will put you on the right track of exploring your kinky fantasies in a safe, sane and consensual fashion.
What is BDSM?
As you probably already know, BDSM is an acronym for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism, which incorporates the type of activities that go into BDSM play. RACK (another kinky acronym), which means Risk-Aware Consensual Kink, is an alternative to the Safe, Sane and Consensual creed, meaning, you only do activities that are considered safe, sane, and consensual.
What is Consensual in BDSM?
In BDSM, all activities you do with your play partner must be consensual.
RACK’s principles sum this up best:
- Risk-aware: All partners are well-informed of the risks involved in the proposed activity.
- Consensual: In light of those risks, both or all partners have, of sound mind, offered preliminary consent to engage in said activity.
- Kink: Said activity can be classified as alternative sex.
Therefore, at most BDSM play groups doing drugs or drinking alcohol is not permitted, as you can’t really consent when you are under the influence. Also, there are many activities that are off-limits including blood play, scat, asphyxiation, and sometimes even sex. However, these types of “edge-play” activities do take place in private settings, and everyone involved knows the risks.
Negotiating A Scene and Safe Words
To consent, partners negotiate what activities are permitted and which activities are hard limits. This is called “negotiating a scene”.
While it is not necessary to have a written contract (although many BDSM Kinksters do create a “Slave Contract”), a BDSM Checklist can inspire you to add different elements to your play you may not have thought about, as well as learn about activities you may want to avoid.
Here is an example of a BDSM checklist (MSWord Doc or Printable PDF) you can download and fill out for free courtesy of Loveology University.
Once you have your list of kinky things you want to try and your limits established, the boundaries for play are set… But, not in stone. Either partner can decide to stop play at any time if they feel it is crossing their limits, becoming unsafe, or for any other reason. They do this usually by using a Safe Word.
A safe word can be any word that stops all activities during a BDSM scene. Often, players will use the stop light method: Green for Go, Yellow for Slow Down or Check In, and Red for Stop. When a person says “Red”, play must be stopped immediately, and it is important to check in with the person to see if everything is okay. Sometimes this will end the scene, or, more often, players will switch to another activity.
In cases where a partner is gaged, other non-verbal cues can be used such as a safe drop: like dropping a set of keys, or using a dog clicker, hand signals, and other signs.
Respect Your Partner Boundaries
Of course, some things that top your kinky bucket list are going to be no-go zone, off-limit activities for your partner. What is important is that you establish boundaries early on in the relationship and stop when either of you feels uncomfortable. It is also important to go slow, especially at first, and check in often with your playmate to make sure everything is okay. This also allows you to tune into how your partner is feeling, learn what turns them on and how you can increase their pleasure.
Which, of course, is kind of the point.
Types of Kinky Activities
Kink includes a wide spectrum of activities that are almost always eroticized by the participants in some fashion. Many types of kinky activities can include — but are not limited to — forms of dominance, submission, discipline, punishment, bondage, sexual role-playing, sexual fetishism, sadomasochism, and power exchange, as well as the full spectrum of mainstream sexual interactions.
Dominance and Submission
Dominance and submission (or D/s) is essentially a powerplay dynamic between two people where one person is the dominant (taking the active role—a Dom or Domme or Top) and the other person is the submissive (taking the passive role—called subs or bottoms). A switch is someone who plays either role. D/s partners may engage in psychological, emotional, and/or physical dominance.
D/s activities may include bondage, giving and taking orders, punishment, forced chastity, cuckolding, breath control, puppy play, humiliation, objectification, forced servitude, kneeling, begging, wearing a collar and other activities. These activities do not necessarily involve pain, which is the realm of sadomasochism or SM.
Sadomasochism
Sadomasochism is giving and receiving of pain for pleasure. A Sadist enjoys inflicting pain, while a masochist enjoys receiving pain, often for sexual gratification. Activities that fall under the SM umbrella include spanking, whipping, percussion play, biting, scratching, CBT, breast torture, pussy torture, trampling, electrical play, play piercing and other similar activities.
Role-playing
Role-playing is when each partner takes on a usually complementary, but unequal, role in which they enact personas and sexual fantasies. Typically, one is the Top and one is the bottom, but these roles and activities are also interchangeable. Specific types of erotic role-play include age play, Doctor/nurse, Master/slave, Teacher/schoolgirl, puppy and pony-play, Goddess/worshipper, Punisher/victim, Boss/secretary as well as many others.
There is no limit to the types of roles you can play in BDSM scenes, so let your imagination be your muse.
Bondage
If you have ever had your arms held down during sex, then you have engaged in a type of bondage. Anything used to restrict you, could be considered bondage. The term “Bondage” describes the practice of restraining for pleasure. Types of bondage restraints include rope, handcuffs, spreader bars, collars and even suspension.
Another more “extreme” type of bondage is mummification in which someone is wrapped in plastic wrap or placed in bondage bags. Muzzles, hoods and even ball gags are also considered bondage because they are in some way restrictive.
People enjoy being bound because it gives them the freedom, kind of like a permission slip, to let go and surrender into pleasure and into their innermost secret, dark desires. Many people also enjoy the feel and smell of the ropes as a sensory experience.
Another type of bondage, is mental bondage, in which the bottom is told not to move, or told to sit in a corner, and thus they are bound verbally to submit.
Blindfolds
Blindfolds are considered “light” bondage and are quite popular with many couples who may not be interested in other kinky activities. Removing the sense of sight allows all your other senses to become heightened and erotically charged. Blindfolds let you escape your inhibitions and delve more into the fantasy. Blindfolds are perfect for playful foreplay and bring an element of suspense to your lovemaking.
Sensation Play
Sensation play is a sensual way of touching your partner that is a wonderful form of erotic foreplay. It can consist of tying someone up and tickling them with a feather, rubbing fur or silk over their flesh while blindfolded, pouring warm candle wax on your partner’s skin to turn up the heat, using ice cubes to awaken and entice, or applying a pinwheel to add an element of danger and excitement. Sensation play can add a level of eroticism that can bring your arousal to new heights of pleasure and passion.
Spanking
Spanking is also another popular kinky practice that has made its way into mainstream vanilla sex. Spanking is a form of percussion or impact play that can include anything from light, playful spanking to flagellation with whips and paddles, to caning, flogging and everything in between. One person’s pain is another person’s pleasure, and many people find spanking wildly erotic.
People who enjoy percussion may have spanking fantasies they’d love to fulfill. Many men and women enjoy the fantasy of being punished for real or imagined “bad behavior”. Some people enjoy being put into a submissive position, while others enjoy the physical sensation of getting their backside (or other sexual parts) warmed up.
Flogging
Flogging, whipping or lashing in BDSM is a type of flagellation which is the act of lashing the human body with special implements such as whips, switches, the cat o’ nine tails, crops, birches and paddles.
Beginning enthusiasts should be careful using any impact toy for the first time. Make sure not to hit the spine while “whipping” your lover into submission, and try to hit your target directly rather than allowing the fronds to wrap around the body as this can cause a nasty sting. The buttocks, breasts, upper back, genitals and inner thighs are ideal places to flog, but do so gently, and always monitor your partner’s responses. Make sure to mix up the rhythm of the strokes as well as pressure to heighten sexual pleasure.
Medical Play
Medical play can involve any combination of the Nurse/Doctor/Patient dynamic of roleplaying where participants make-believe playing “doctor” in which the patient undergoes an intimate physical examination. Often the patient is restrained while their body parts are poked, prodded and played with using various medical type instruments such as a speculum, Wartenberg wheel (or pinwheel), sounds (the insertion of a steel rod or tube into the urethra), pussy clamps, enemas, as well as play piercing, and the use of cupping sets.
Age Play
Age play is another type of roleplay in which one partner undergoes age regression, playing the part of a baby, child, or teen to a Mommy, Daddy or babysitter. Infantilism is a form of age play, and sometimes incest fantasies are also played out.
Often, players will have many equipment, props and clothing including diapers, cribs, soothers, and kid’s toys. Age play is not pedophilia, and players are not interested in children, rather, it allows the Dom to assume the role of caregiver, or teacher, while the submissive can relinquish control.
Forced Oral
Forced oral in BDSM is the act of forcing oral sex on the submissive. Often, the dominant will hold the submissive’s head or hair and force their penis into their mouth, or sit on their face and smother them with their vagina or ass (called Queening). Keep in mind, the act is consensual, with the submissive taking pleasure in the act of being forcefully used.
Butt Play
Forced butt play is a sexual BDSM activity in a D/s dynamic, where the submissive may be made to wear a butt plug (anal training), or may be penetrated with anal beads, a dildo or vibrator, and of course a penis. This may also include bondage, humiliation, and other activities such as spanking.
Pegging
Pegging is a type of butt play in which the female partner “pegs” her male partner up the butt with a strap-on dildo. Sometimes it is just for pleasure and for exploring prostate orgasms, and other times there can also be a power dynamic with her in charge and him playing a more submissive role.
Nipple Play
Many people enjoy nipple play during foreplay and sex. Nipple clamps can add extra sensation hands-free and a naughty sense of excitement. Adjustable nipple clamps, such as Bull Nose or Alligator clamps are the best ones to use, as they allow you to adjust the pressure and therefore the sensation. Nipple suckers and breast pumps are also used in nipple and breast play fantasies.
Chastity Play
Forced Chastity may take the form of male or female chastity, where the submissive partner abstains from sex and masturbation, and often orgasm control or denial is used. This could be a mental form of bondage, or a chastity device like a chastity belt, or cock cage that is used to lock up the genitals. Sometimes, the sub is sexually teased and told they are not allowed to orgasm as well.
Pussy Torture
Pussy torture sounds kind of scary, but it is more about intense pleasure than pain. While pussy spanking or flogging can be used, often, the submissive is bound and sexually stimulated with a powerful wand massager, until they orgasm uncontrollably. Often the stimulation goes on even after they climax, leading to multiple orgasms, where the intense pleasure is used as torture.
CBT
Cock-and-ball torture (or CBT) is the BDSM practice of inflicting pain on the penis and testicles. This may include flogging, slapping, squeezing, pinching and trampling. Often, cock cages, spiked cock rings and ball stretchers can also be used.
Edge Play
Edge play is a list of extreme activities within BDSM play, which are considered risky, dangerous, taboo, or require a lot of skill. Activities include fireplay, play piercing, cutting or knife play, branding, erotic asphyxiation, golden showers, scat, fluid exchange, and sex without the use of condoms. None of these activities should be performed by a novice, and the Top should be highly trained, as this type of play done wrong can lead to permanent physical and mental damages.
Creating a Scene
In BDSM, a scene is a container or space where BDSM activities and rituals are performed. Like a drama, a scene has a beginning, middle and end, and is planned ahead of time, and then played out by the Dom and sub. Other participants may also take part in the scene if given permission by all parties.
Scenes can include any of the types of activities I’ve already explained, as well as many other scenarios. Some ideas include an Interrogation scene, a gang rape fantasy, or an abduction fantasy.
A scene usually follows an arch, with a climax of intensity in the middle. Communication is key to a successful scene with both partners checking in with each other. Once the scene has ended, aftercare is performed.
Aftercare
Aftercare in BDSM is the time when the scene has ended and the play partners check in with each other. Snuggling and holding each other is a good way to reaffirm a loving connection. Drinks and snacks are often shared and players may need to rest and relax.
Often, elements of the scene are discussed: what was hot, what didn’t go as expected, is there anything you need right now, and other nurturing inquiries. Aftercare helps to alleviate sub drop and return both partners equilibrium. Aftercare focuses on the physical, emotional and psychological effects that a scene may have on the participants.
Final Word
Exploring BDSM can be an exciting, scary, and thrilling experience. It is important to remember to take it slow, that communication, negotiation and consent are key, and to respect each other’s limits. Getting training, instruction or mentoring is very useful, especially with advanced play techniques.
If you are interested in getting more serious about BDSM play, try to find a playgroup near you where you and your partner can take workshops on what interests you.
You can also take courses online, either together, or by yourself, like this Kink 101 Package for Loveology University, that features four courses: Boundaries and Taboos, BDSM Power Play, Fetishes, and Group Sex & Swinging.
And, finally, remember this is about pleasure and making your sex life sizzle, so to get the most out of your erotic adventures, play safe and have fun.
It’s time to get orgasmic!
