Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Fifty Shades of Inverted Play, free workshop this Sunday at The Pleasure Chest!

**Free workshop** at the Pleasure Chest LA this weekend with Inverted Play!

Why is sex upside down is so much better?!  Come experience Inverted Play… Fifty Shades darker.  Miyoko and Eric will explain what happens to the body during inversions and how you can apply the products featured in the best-selling novels by E.L. James. Understand the human response to inversion, how creating weightlessness and suspension can calm the body, enhance trust, and encourage open communication.

Learn how to safely invert your partner to give them a weightless and sensual experience.  We’ll cover fundamental acroyoga moves and combine them with exciting sensory stimulation, sensory deprivation, and light impact play.

No partner?  No problem!  You can either bring a friend or make a new one when you arrive!  Acroyoga is a safe and consensual practice that builds communication skills, and increase awareness whether you’re single, or in a relationship.

This class will be interactive: wear comfortable, form-fitting clothes, bring a yoga mat and a partner, or come solo and make new friends! No fitness or flexibility required. Just bring your sense of adventure!

The Pleasure Chest is located in West Los Angeles at 7733 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046  323.650.1022

They do not offer advance registration or reserved seating for free workshops or events. Attendance is on a first come, first served basis. Early arrival is recommended to secure your spot!


Coming Out Again… And Again… And Again

We talk about coming out as if it’s something you only do once.  In my experience it’s an ongoing part of life. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it makes my stomach flutter. I first came out as a lesbian 30 years ago when I was still in college.  Initially I was very careful about whom I shared this tender information with.  In 1985 being gay felt both like being part of a special club and living in a freak show.

Over time, I widened the circle of people that I told.  Sometimes I was praised for being courageous and other times I was treated with contempt or confusion.  One of the more memorable responses to my coming out was when my sister-in-law’s 60-year-old mother said, while we were cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “I’ve seen that on the Phil Donahue show, but never met one before.”

In 1991, my partner Rinda and I had a service of commitment in our Unitarian Universalist Church.  Most of our family members came, and as far as I was concerned I was out to the world. It was a done deal.

Little did I know that becoming a parent would force me to be out in whole new way.  It started at the birth in the hospital where I had to justify my relationship with my own child at every change of shift.  Some nurses were tickled pink to be working with an ‘alternative’ family.  But others were confused, offended, or outright hostile.  Looking back, I wonder how well I explained the situation–sleep deprived as I was.

At restaurants, waitresses would casually ask, “Who’s her mother?” Rinda and I would stare at each other, unprepared at first. Eventually we learned to say, “We both are. We’re a couple.”

“Who’s her real mother?” often came next.

“We both are. But Rinda’s her birth mom, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

By the time we had two kids, with the same donor but two different birth moms, the story of our how our family came to be was often more than we wanted to convey to a casual inquiry before ordering drinks. And yet, we wanted our children to hear us talk easily about our family structure and learn how to explain it themselves.  Their experience of having two moms was nearly invisible in popular culture.  We wanted to make it a source of pride, and not shame.

So I learned to say enough without saying too much.   And I learned to uncover what I was really being asked. And I learned when to give a ten-second explanation and when to have a longer conversation. And I learned to let our children take the lead as they grew older. And I learned to say the word ‘wife.’

I never expected to be a wife or have a wife, but now I am one and I have one.  It’s turned out to be the best thing ever, because that single word conveys so much, so clearly.  Without any further explanation, total strangers understand my relationship to Rinda. “Girlfriend,” “partner,” “life mate” require more sentences to be certain that I’m being understood.  But “wife” is completely clear.

The federal legal recognition that came last year brought more ease and clarity to my life than I had expected.  After all, we’d been married in our hearts and souls since 1991.  And our marriage was recognized in the state of California. What could a federal blessing of our marriage give us that we didn’t already have?

It turns out, a lot. Now that we were ‘out’ to the federal government, when we got a mortgage we knew how to hold title.  In the past we had long conversations with the title company; and all of us were just making a guess about the best way for us to hold title as a couple that was legally married in California, but not at the federal level.

We only have to fill out one joint federal tax return, which can be used for our state return.  For many years our accountant did a joint federal tax return so he could do a joint state return, and then he did an individual return for each of us.  We paid a lot of money for those extra returns.

When I fill out our Federal Financial Aid forms for college, I don’t have to leave out a parent.  In the past I felt like I was holding back information, but there was no way to represent our reality because federal tax returns (the basis for the form) did not recognize both parents.  I even called to make sure I was doing it right.  The woman on the phone was kind, but told me that the financial aid form simply did not include a way to represent the reality of our family.

Changing laws is important to creating the just, multicultural society the U.S. Constitution promises.  Changing hearts and minds is equally important in making that dream a reality.  As we make these changes, our coming out stories change as well.

I’m part of a Facebook group for queer moms.  Lately there has been a string of posts from women about their experiences with hospitals.  The common theme is that they start out ready to fight to have “our family” recognized in Utah, or a in Catholic hospital.  But instead they are met with respect, joy, and clarity about filling in birth certificates, NICU visitation privileges, or being called Mom.  Those stories bring tears to my eyes. Wow!  The pace of change of beautiful.  And yet the moral arc of the universe doesn’t easily bend toward justice.  There are always steps backwards:  see the new Jim Crow and North Carolina HB2.  We can’t let those who are afraid of widening the circle of love and justice decide the parameters of the conversation.

My favorite coming out moments are the ones that shine a light on my own prejudices.  The times I was met with love and respect from the very people I had been taught would hate me filled my heart with grace.  The military officer who told me that part of his duty was to stand with gay and lesbian service people who were being drummed out of the service because of their sexual orientation.  My 80-year-old, devoutly Catholic aunt who told me that God loves everyone and doesn’t make any mistakes.  The grandmother at my children’s elementary school, a Jehovah’s Witness, who apologized with tears in her eyes that her grandson had teased my daughter about having two moms.  Each of those encounters taught me to put away my assumptions and treat people as individuals.

The potential cost of coming out is rejection. But the cost of being hidden, of living in shame, is far greater.  And the opportunities that coming out affords are enormous. Coming out as a lesbian has given me the courage to come out as an artist, a writer, a Black Lives Matter activist, and a person of faith.  It’s allowed me to be more of my authentic self in so many ways, and hopefully gives others the courage to do the same.  And it’s given people permission to tell me their stories of spiritual and personal growth, connecting us across differences, but reminding us of our shared humanity.

How To Improve A Woman’s Chances Of Orgasm During Penetration

The female orgasm during penetrative sex is elusive for many, and nothing but a folk tale for others.

Sex Therapist Al Cooper states in Understanding the Female Orgasm that up to 75% of women cannot orgasm with regular penetrative sex alone. And sexologist Robert Birch has reported that 10 – 15 % of American women have never even experienced an orgasm, via penetration or otherwise!

This makes bringing a woman to orgasm a very tough job for guys!

For men, having an orgasm is easy. Simple, straightforward stimulation to the penis, and the VAST majority of guys are “off to the races” in just a few minutes.

Women require much more to have an orgasm… they require:

  • Clitoral stimulation

  • Comfort / completely at ease

  • Strong mental arousal

  • Stimulation of other erogenous zones in many cases

When everything combines correctly, a woman can have an orgasm. (Note: g-spot orgasms and cul-de-sac orgasms, are possible, but for sake of ease, I’ll just focusing on clitoral orgasms).

And with the way we were built as humans, both male and female, we don’t “match up” very well anatomically during sex, in order for a woman to have an orgasm. Many women have some distance between their clitoris and vaginal opening, so regular penetrative sex just doesn’t provide direct enough stimulation for them to get off.

And watching porn doesn’t make men any wiser, or more educated as to giving a woman an orgasm… a guy “banging” away at a woman, slapping at random parts.

So How Should We Penetrate To Give a Woman an Orgasm?

The clitoris is most important when it comes to a woman’s orgasm, so pressure must be put on the clitoris.

There are a few methods to accomplish this during regular intercourse.

The “Rough Rub”

This is the way to penetrate that I have experienced the most success with.

Ever see how a woman gets herself off when she’s on top? Rather than an in-and-out banging, it’s a rough, swift, back-and- forth rubbing of her clit on your pelvis… your penis is almost just an afterthought on the inside. And notice how she doesn’t even separate herself from your body.

Now try and replicate this motion when you are on top.

Rub your pelvis ROUGHLY and VERY QUICKLY into her clitoris (after you’ve eased into it, of course…). Don’t let the pressure up, and make sure you are doing as long of a rub as possible… not a short range. Speed, pressure and friction is important here.

When taking breaks, try a forceful push into the clit for a few seconds (another penetrative technique on its own)…

Throw in some extracurricular stimulation (playing with her erogenous zones), dirty talk (or sweet talk, if she prefers), and the VAST majority of women will be having an orgasm in no time.

The Coital Alignment Technique

With the Coital Alignment Technique, rather than penetrating in an in-and-out fashion, you penetrate in more of an up-and-down fashion, with the base or top of your penis (your least sensitive part) rubbing against her clitoris (her most sensitive part).

While my success with this technique has been a bit off and on, it does serve as a nice change up when performing the other techniques, and you never know… it may work perfectly for both you and her.

The Hot and Ready

Warming up a woman’s clitoris before penetration is your best bet, regardless of what technique you will be going for.

Oral or manual stimulation to her clitoris will make your job much quicker / easier when actual sexual intercourse begins.

Even the good old fashion “banging” form of penetration can work if you get the clitoris aroused enough before beginning.

Hopefully together we will be making bedrooms all over the world much happier places.

What Being A Stripper Taught Me About Consent

After hearing of the letter to Stanford swimmer Brock Turner, convicted of sexually assaulting a woman, I was conflicted.  Posts on Facebook and Twitter swamped my feed with tidbits of details… drunken girl, college party, dumpster, acclaimed athlete…

Then I began reading the commentary on what was being shared.  I was struck by the word consent over and over again.  I was shocked by the sentence that had been issued.  I couldn’t help but feel that we as a society had failed to protect the victim of this crime.  As someone who shares intimacy advice and speaks about safe and consensual sex, I was at a loss as to how to speak up for this woman.  We know that consent is necessary, we advocate for education that encourages our youth to guard themselves from potential harm.  But when our legal system doesn’t impose appropriate punishments for convicted criminals, what message are we truly sending?  I desperately needed to piece together my own reaction about what had happened, what was happening.  I saw that the letter had been read aloud publicly on CNN. I sought out the letter that Buzz Feed originally posted on Friday.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to read it, but was compelled to seek it out and read it in it’s entirety.

As a former stripper, I am reminded of the stigma that surrounds women.  Whether we are conservative or provocative, we are “asking for it.”  If we are too opposed to the attention of men, we are at risk of being considered a “bitch,” and therefore, are “asking for it.”   If we are dressed too provocatively, drink too much, are too free with our bodies or our laughs and smiles, we are “asking for it.”  What isn’t being upheld by our judicial system is the blatantly obvious definition of “asking for it.”  Literally, using our words to ask for, or consent, to sex.

As a nude performer, I suggested sex on a daily basis.  I used my body to entice and tease men.  I used my smiles, laughs, actions, and body language to make men want me, want to have sex with me.  I never had sex with those men.  Those men never assumed I would have sex with them.  So why do we continue to question a person’s actions, clothing, or sexual interest when there is a case of rape or sexual assault.  If that mentality actually was applicable, then any stripper, sex worker, scantily clad club goer, sun bather, nudist, and dancer deserves to be assaulted. Why do we continually ask the victim if maybe they perhaps might have subliminally “asked” to be assaulted?  Why aren’t we asking the criminals what they heard as consent… period.

We are teaching consensual sex education.  We know drinking alcohol has an effect on our decision making abilities.  We know people make mistakes, and we know that there are consequences for our actions.  What we don’t seem to agree on, is what consent means.  Did you consent to “sex?”  What is sex?  Is it sex if it’s just a blow job?  Is it sex if it’s digital penetration?  Is it sex if there’s vaginal penetration with a penis?

These seem like silly questions.  (Of course it’s sex if there’s vaginal penetration with a penis!) Yet we don’t have these conversations in real life encounters.  When we hook up in bars and at parties we don’t discuss the details of what type of sex to which we are consenting.  That wouldn’t be sexy…. or would it?

Occasionally when a strip club patron ordered a lap dance, they’d asked what they’d get with it.  While I didn’t “like” hearing men ask those questions, I wasn’t personally offended.  I appreciated their honesty.   I knew right away that I wasn’t a good fit for them.  I would rather not waste my time dodging their groping hands and darting tongues for a $20 bill. They wanted a dancer that would let them touch their boobs, finger them, lick their gentials… and yes, those things do happen at strip clubs. But the undeniable appeal of that conversation is consent.  They verbally asked for permission, and it was either granted or not.  Men do understand this concept.  It’s proven over and over again in strip clubs all over the world.

While we may not be able to change the malicious intent or evil in the world, we can change how we talk about, and ask for sex.  We as women can be very specific about what we want, and don’t want from an intimate encounter.  We can tell someone what we want from them whether we are sober, or even intoxicated.  It takes practice.  It requires us to risk sounding prude, demanding, or like a “bitch.”  Men can use language to be clear about what they want from a hook-up.  They too can use their words to be specific about how they want to be with a woman.  It also takes practice and they too risk coming across as creepy, or too nice, or like a jerk.  But the more we all begin to use our words to be more clear about what sex is, and what specifically we are consenting to, the less we will be confused by what constitutes consent.  It will be very clear when someone says they want to make out with you, they aren’t saying yes to sex.  That if they are on board for a mutual masturbation session that they aren’t asking for vaginal penetration.  It won’t be confusing when you meet that girl at a party who is attracted to you, but is drunk and unconscious, that she is not consenting. There will be no question as to whether or not someone is committing a crime.  They will have “consented” or not. We can’t assume when someone doesn’t say “No,” that they are saying “Yes.”  Only “Yes” means “Yes.”

We are not just protecting ourselves from being a victim or being potentially wrongfully accused of assault.  We are protecting each other.  We must get better at being clear.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Talk about sex.  All kinds of sex.  Teach your children to talk about sex.  Teach them about consent.  Teach them that words equal consent.  Telling them to be specific is just as important as telling them to wear a condom.  Tell the person you meet at the bar what is on the menu should you go home with them.  Make sure the person you take home from the bar is giving verbal consent to what you’re offering.  It’s such an easy conversation over a twenty dollar bill in a strip club, why can’t it be just a simple over a cocktail.  Make it a regular part of your repertoire, teach it to others.  Together we can protect each other from the dangerous ambiguity of “consent.”

Embarrassed To Buy Condoms? Safer Sex, Delivered

Is anyone really embarrassed to buy condoms at the store anymore? Apparently so. If you search Google for “too embarrassed to buy condoms” 1.76 million results appear. You’ll find countless articles titled along the lines of “How To Buy Condoms Discreetly” or “10 Things More Embarrassing Than Buying Condoms,” and terrified teens tearing up the message boards on Reddit and Yahoo! Answers with cries for help like “I’m too embarrassed to buy condoms. Help!”

Embarrassed cartoon face

Here’s a thought, kiddos: Buy them on Amazon! Or… have a little more fun with your online shopping and subscribe to CupidQuiver, a monthly condom subscription service (like Birchbox for beauty products, BarkBox for doggie goods, or HelloFresh for recipes, this is a box for sex) that delivers you condoms before you need them. What CupidQuiver offers that Amazon doesn’t are fun little extras like free lubes, little role play cards, sexy tips on using lube, and/or other miscellaneous product they decide to throw in for fun.

“Remember the Saturday Night Live skit, D**k in a Box? We like to think of ourselves as Sex in a Box,” quips Todd Harris, President of CupidQuiver, which launched in mid-March.

But in all seriousness, the beauty of what CupidQuiver provides is that they reliably deliver what you need before you need it. “The goal for our clients is to have fun, safely, and to always be prepared. Nothing is worse than getting intimate only to realize you are out of protection! Remembering condoms after-the-fact is not ideal,” says Harris.

Here’s how it works: You choose the type of ID Condoms condom that you want: Studded, Extra Thin, Extra Large, or Superior Feel Lubricated. Then you choose your package: No Strings Attached (1 condom for $1 plus $2 shipping and handling), Friends with Benefits (3 condoms for $5), Singles Mingle (6 condoms plus 1 ID lube for $7), or Lucky You (10 condoms plus 1 lube for $10). The latter three packages include shipping and handling. And, you can easily change your subscription based on how fast or slow your sex life is moving.

Harris tells that they are shooting for a late-July launch of curated “Fun Boxes.” “They will include sex toys, more tips, and other bedroom goodies,” he says.

CQ Mailer

From Squeezing To Pleasing: Your Love Muscles & Our June Contest

As we come to the end of Masturbation Month, we’re ready to launch June’s giveaway, with the perfect combination to get you into a juicy frame of mind and body. The Kegel Fix by renowned urologist Dr. Andrew Siegel along with a set of luxurious silicone Adam & Eve’s Scarlet Glass Duo Balls (ben wa balls) will give you the hands-on tools you need to sexercise your way to more sexual satisfaction. Enter to win now!

After reading this book on sexual health and pleasure, I reached out to interview the author and sexpert on all things related to kegels and PC muscles. It’s my delight to share it with Sexpert readers.

THE KEGEL FIXScarlet duo balls


Dr. Ava Cadell: What inspired you to write this book?

Dr. Andrew Siegel: I wrote The Kegel Fix because of discontent with the existing means of educating women with respect to pelvic floor exercises. Often unable to identify their pelvic muscles or properly perform the exercises, outcomes are less than favorable and the frustration level and high abandonment rate is hardly surprising.  Because pelvic exercises remain an under-exploited resource that can be of great benefit to many women, I was inspired to write an easy-to-read, yet comprehensive book on the topic.

My goal is to educate women about the consequences of weakened pelvic muscles– urinary and bowel control problems, dropped pelvic organs and sexual dysfunction–taboo issues that many women are not typically knowledgeable about and are often reluctant to bring up to their doctors. I aim to demystify the pelvic muscles—out of sight, out of mind, and often misunderstood—and make pelvic floor muscle exercises less intimidating and more accessible.

Why is it important for women and men to exercise their pelvic muscles?

These muscles provide support for the pelvic organs, contribute to the control mechanism of the urinary and intestinal systems and play a vital role in sexual function. Pelvic exercises can be effective in stabilizing, relieving, improving and even preventing issues with pelvic support, sexual function, and urinary and bowel control.

Pelvic training can benefit females with weakened pelvic support (descent and sagging of the pelvic organs including the bladder, urethra, uterus, rectum and vagina itself); vaginal laxity (looseness); altered sexual and orgasmic function; stress urinary incontinence (urinary leakage with coughing and exertion); overactive bladder (the sudden urge to urinate with leakage often occurring before being able to get to the bathroom); pelvic pain due to pelvic muscle spasm; and bowel urgency and incontinence. Additionally, pelvic training improves core strength, lumbar stability and spinal alignment, aids in preventing back pain and helps prepare one for pregnancy, labor and delivery.                                    

Pelvic muscle training in males is no less important than in females, beneficial for urinary incontinence following prostate surgery, overactive bladder, post-void dribbling, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and pelvic pain due to pelvic muscle spasm. For more information on this topic, refer to Male Pelvic Fitness: Optimizing Sexual and Urinary Health (

The bottom line is that achieving a fit pelvic floor by strengthening and toning the pelvic muscles is a first-line approach that can improve a variety of pelvic maladies in a way that is natural, accessible and free from harmful side effects.

How can we incorporate some beginner exercises into our daily routines?

Beginner exercises involve pelvic floor contractions without using resistance.. Initially, it is important to isolate the pelvic muscles and exercise them while not actively contracting any other muscle groups. Once pelvic proficiency is achieved, pelvic exercises can then be integrated into other exercise routines, workouts and daily activities. In real life, muscles do not work in isolation, but rather as part of a team and the pelvic muscles are no exception, often contracting in conjunction with the other core muscles in a mutually supportive way. Many Pilates and yoga exercises involve consciously contracting the pelvic muscles together with other core muscles during exercise routines. When walking, standing up, climbing steps, doing squats and lunges, jumping, jogging, dancing and cycling, the pelvic muscles can be gently contracted to engage them in the supportive role for which they were designed.

At what age should men and women start exercising their pelvic floor muscles?

As in any exercise regimen, the best option is to be proactive and not reactive. It is sensible to optimize muscle mass, strength and endurance to prevent problems from surfacing before they have an opportunity to do so. Pelvic muscle training undertaken before getting pregnant will aid in preventing pelvic issues that may arise as a consequence of pregnancy, labor and delivery. Strengthening one’s pelvic muscles at a young age can help avoid pelvic, urinary and bowel conditions that may arise with time. Strengthen and tone now and your body will thank you later, so my recommendation for both women and men is to start early, before issues have a chance to develop.

Can you explain the difference between conscious relaxation exercises versus strengthening exercises?

A full range of motion pelvic contraction takes the pelvic muscles from maximal relaxation to maximal contraction. The relaxation element is as critical as the contraction element. As vital as “tone and tighten” are, “stretch and lengthen” are of equal importance. The goal is for pelvic muscles that are strong, toned, supple and flexible. Conscious relaxation is a vital part of the management of pelvic floor tension myalgia, a condition in which the pelvic muscles exist in a state of excessive contraction that causes pelvic pain and other urinary, bowel and sexual issues. So, conscious relaxation—a.k.a. reverse Kegels—aims to relax and lengthen the pelvic muscles as opposed to strengthening exercises, done in an effort to increase the strength, power and endurance of the pelvic muscles.

What are some of the health issues that result from weak pelvic floor muscles?

In females: pelvic relaxation (dropped bladder, uterus, rectum, etc.) and vaginal laxity (looseness); sexual and orgasmic issues; stress urinary incontinence (leakage with coughing, sneezing, exercise, etc.); overactive bladder and bowel; poor core strength, posture, lumbar stability and alignment.

In males: urinary incontinence, overactive bladder, post-void dribbling, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and other forms of ejaculatory dysfunction.

How would you recommend women incorporate ben wa balls into their pelvic floor exercise routine?

There are numerous variations of vaginal weighted balls, available in a myriad of different sizes and weights. They are placed in the vagina and require pelvic engagement in order that they remain in position. They also provide resistance to contract down upon, very different than contracting the pelvic muscles against air. Some are attached to a string, allowing one to tug on the balls to add even more resistance. Another variety has an elastic covering that can be squeezed down upon and compressed with pelvic muscle contractions, a form of resistance workout that accelerates pelvic conditioning.

My recommendation is to pursue the specific pelvic training program that is designed and tailored to the specific pelvic dysfunction (e.g., for sexual issues, stress incontinence, prolapse, etc.) as detailed in my book while using ben wa balls or alternative vaginal devices to add resistance to the workouts.

How can couples exercise their pelvic muscles together to enhance sexual satisfaction?

One option is for couples to do the exercises individually but together, like people in a fitness class at the gym. Alternatively, pelvic exercises can be integrated into the act of sexual intercourse. When the female actively contracts her pelvic muscles, the vaginal grip around the penis will tighten, in addition to more blood being forced into the clitoris, increasing clitoral engorgement and erection. When the male actively contracts his pelvic muscles, penile blood flow will be augmented, increasing penile length, girth and rigidity.  At the time of sexual climax, both male and female can focus on the involuntary rhythmic contractions of their pelvic muscles and try to heighten the experience by explosively voluntarily contracting them in synchrony with the involuntary contractions.

Is there anything else that people can learn from your book that is life and health changing?

Because many of those who are taught pelvic exercises do not really understand how to put their pelvic knowhow and conditioning to real life use, my ultimate goal is to teach functional pelvic fitness—practical and actionable means of applying pelvic exercise proficiency to daily tasks and common everyday activities to improve quality of life.  I call this “Kegels-on-demand.”

Can you incorporate pelvic floor exercises with masturbation?

During masturbation, with every stroke applied to the penis or clitoris, there is a reflex contraction of the pelvic muscles (a.k.a. bulbocavernosus reflex).  With each contraction of the pelvic muscles, the internal parts of the penis and clitoris (roots) are compressed, pushing blood back into the external parts, increasing penile and clitoral blood pressure, engorgement and rigidity. This happens reflexively and without effort. It can be enhanced by consciously contracting the pelvic floor muscles, not only during the act of masturbation, but also at the time of climax, when the pelvic muscles contract involuntarily in a rhythmic fashion and provide the muscle power behind the physical aspect of an orgasm.

More Toys For Masturbation Month

As National Masturbation Month winds down, you might be tempted to touch yourself less.

Don’t stop.

You might think now is a good time to submit to hibernation with just one toy.


Do you really need to get completely naked?


Touch yourself totally?


Treat yourself to something new?


I had such fun celebrating masturbation at last weekend’s Taboo Brunch, I thought I’d detail some of my talk here. If you skipped the brunch, you missed out on exclusive content such as biased poll results, accidental puns, and me waving uncut dildos in the air. I’ll give you a peek at my main point, though:

You not only deserve masturbation, you deserve GOOD masturbation.


I often refer to masturbation as “self love.” Partly, I call it that because they don’t let me say “rub one out” on the radio. But also, touching yourself can and should be an expression of love. Your body is beautiful. It deserves to be caressed. And you deserve to caress it.

You also deserve to know it. Too often, we avoid looking at our naked bodies. We don’t want to see our flaws, and we definitely don’t want to know what’s hiding in the spots we can’t see. But we can’t love what we don’t know, and loving ourselves inspires the positivity and confidence that makes it easy to be loved by others.

So turn on the lights. Get completely naked. Look in a mirror. Straddle a mirror. Then start touching yourself.

Start slowly. Start with your hand. Run your fingers up your arm, along your collar bone, between your breasts. We lead busy lives, frequently out of our own skin. We’re online, on social media, on to the next thing. Be present in your body. You have access to so much sensation without gels and toys. Awaken that, first.

And then, bring in gels and toys. Because you deserve it.

Got a favorite? Good. But regardless of your relationship status, no one wins with toy monogamy. Employ your favorite frequently, but don’t forget that there are other toys in the box.

And if your favorite is a clitoral blaster that quickly knocks your orgasms out, congratulations. You’ve succeeded in masturbation, or at least crossed the finish line. But, while orgasms themselves pack a ton of health benefits (heart health, lowered risk of diabetes, better sleep, kegel strength, relaxation, I could go on and on) you haven’t really given your body the attention it deserves.

With our partners, we put in work. We aim to keep things fresh and exciting. Because we desire our lovers, we relish touching their skin and being touched by their hands. Because we care for them, we want them to feel fantastic.

By ourselves, we often assume the most physically comfortable position, yank our pants down, and reach for whatever toy is easily accessible and fully charged.

My Taboo Toy Reviews have enabled me to “date” a ton of toys. We’ve shared dinners and movie nights and I’ve given some of them names. It’s probably my solo use of couples toys, however, that has really impressed upon me the equality of sex with a partner and sex with oneself. I’m not suggesting you handcuff yourself to your bed, but I’m not suggesting you don’t.

Discounting a toy or practice as a “couples thing” unnecessarily limits the fun you can have by yourself. Before I received my first anal toy for review, it never would have dawned on me to invite anal stimulation into masturbation. Uncomfortable at first but eventually rewarding, “butt stuff” is like slaving over a stove all day for a delicious ten minute meal. I’m a lot more apt to do it if I’ve got someone to share it with.

But if I don’t, do I deserve that meal less? Is it any less satisfying?

Your strides are limited inside your own comfort zone. Switch toys, rooms, positions. Suction a dildo to the edge of your tub and ride it. Suction it to your shower and back it on up. Not super into nipple stuff? Pinch your nipples anyway. Lick them if you can. Suck your toes. Smack your ass.

Love yourself.

Love yourself as fully as you love your partners, and then invite them to love you that way, too.

Manly Toys For May Masturbation Month

For most guys, their hand, some lotion, and a little privacy is all they need for a successful masturbation session. Hell, sometimes the lotion isn’t even needed… or the privacy for that matter. The point being – men are simpler than women when it comes to getting off.

But the problem is, in their simplicity, they often miss out on some great masturbation toys because they think they don’t need it, which is why we’re dedicating this article for May’s Masturbation Month to male masturbation devices.

You see, in my not-so-humble experience, most men don’t realize how amazing masturbation – either solo or mutual masturbation sessions with a partner – can be with the aid some of the fancy toys out there. In fact, 9 out of 10 men I’ve been with have never used a stroker, a fake pussy, or any other masturbation device on the market. They think it’s “weird” or “unnecessary.” But, when I spring one on them, let’s just say: Masturbation. Game. Changer!

Guys, if you’re still shaking your head “no,” just read with an open mind. Ladies, these items make for great gift ideas for your man.

Guybrator – Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo

You might have heard about this on Saturday Night Live, but Hot Octopuss’ PULSE, the world’s first Guybrator, is no joke. The male masturbator was featured on SNL when the savvy London-based sex toy company erected a “GuyFi” booth in NYC for men to “self-soothe” as a marketing stunt in January 2016. The stunt created insane brand awareness for the award-winning product and increased visitors to their website from 1,000 to 20,000 in just three hours following the event.

What’s unique about the PULSE II Solo (their male-only toy for $99) is that is uses oscillation technology instead of vibration. “We’ve created a high amplitude, deep basey vibration, which is better for stimulating men. The regular vibration used in female toys works great for women, but not for men,” says co-founder/inventor Adam Lewis.

PULSE can be used in two ways: With lubricant and without. With lubricant, the man lubricates his penis, inserts it into the unit, and masturbates with the device. Or, he can insert his penis into the toy without lubricant, turn the toy on, and, as Lewis puts it “it finishes him off without having to do anything whatsoever. So it’s the lazy toy in that respect.”

It’s also great for men with erectile dysfunction issue. “We discovered that men can actually orgasm completely flaccid. For example, if a man suffers from prostate cancer and he no longer can get an erection, he would’ve probably given up masturbating because it’s like pulling on a rubber string. However, he can use PULSE completely flaccid and still achieve an orgasm. Or it’s good for a man suffering from erectile dysfunction who just has a hard time getting an erection, this can help him get one,” adds Lewis.

Also, be sure to check out their couples’ toy as well – the PULSE II Duo ($139). The toy is worn by him, but provides vibrations on both sides to pleasure both partners.

Blowjob Robot

Male Masturbation - Auto Blow

There was clearly a demand for robot that can blow you because when founder/creator Brian Sloan set a goal of $275,000 for his Autoblow 2, they ended up raising $318,000 instead. More than 100,000 units at about $159.95 a pop of this robotic oral sex simulator for men have been sold since it debuted in 2014, and the demand is so high that they even released an Autoblow 2.

What’s the fuss? It’s hands’ free, has several speeds, and can go up until 1,000 hours or until “your dick falls off,” as Sloan says in their hilarious how-to video. “The Autoblow 2+ is more powerful and we added an extra row of beads plus covered the springs which used to wear away at the sleeves. We made a new sleeve with Real Doll to give guys something nicer to look at than the relatively strange looking mouth we created,” says Sloan.

Prostate Massagers

Male Masturbation Hugo Black
LELO Hugo in black

We’ve covered oral and hands, now let’s talk anal. LELO reports that with prostate stimulation, the size of the male orgasm can increase by 33% and prolonged use of prostate massage can help alleviate symptoms of erectile dysfunction.

The company offers three vibrating prostate massagers: Hugo ($219), Bruno ($169), and Loki ($169). They’re like the three little bears of prostate massagers – Hugo’s the most powerful with its hands-free feature and 8 settings for the more experienced man, Bruno’s somewhere in the middle, and Loki, which is hand-held for manual stimulation, is better suited for the beginner.

Male Masturbation Bruno Purple
LELO Bruno in purple
Male Masturbation Loki Federal Blue
LELO Loki in blue

“Although the prostate can be reached with fingers it’s near impossible to do solo without the aid of a tool,” says Sunny Megatron, sex educator and host of “Sex with Sunny Megatron.” “If you have a partner to help with the massage it can be very stressful on their fingers, hands, and wrists making it difficult to maintain for long periods. Massagers not only make things easier in that regard, the vibration also gives more pleasure options than a stationary object.”

Travel Toys

Male Masturbation Travel Pump

If your boyfriend or husband travels a lot and has a wondering eye, this is the perfect gift for him. Why have him be tempted by the prostitute in the hotel lobby bar on that business trip when you can send him off with Nasstoy’s Travel Pump? It’s a compact travel kit ($50) with two interchangeable bases (one for suction like a BJ and one with a vagina base for sex simulation) in three powerful suction settings, as well as 4 cock rings and a discrete zippered shaving kit-style carrying bag. Remember, for better suction results, shave your pubic hair!

Simple Strokers

If you don’t want to spend a lot of money or dive into the more complex items, there’s a bevy of simple strokers available for $10-$20. Doc Johnson’s Mood Pleaser masturbators, for instance, comes in a very artsy shape with four distinct internal textures (massage beads, thin ribbed, zigzag, and thick ribbed) and four stylish colors (frost, purple, blue, and orange).

Male Masturbation Doc Johnson Mood Pleaser Purple 1Male Masturbation Helping Head

My favorite stroker to enhance my BJ game is Doc Johnson’s GoodHead Helping Head ($12). It’s a 2-inch mini-stroker that I use to stroke my partner’s penis as I’m giving him head. It makes my “job” a lot easier. You can use these with lube or without, but it’s better with! This is a great intro toy to the guy who is sex-toy-shy.

How To Share Your Kink

Most of us look for ways to improve our sex lives, even if we’re generally happy with whatever we have going on. Discovering a new kink or fetish often leads to a desire to bring that into your bedroom, but getting what you want can seem difficult. Many couples enjoy a healthy and active sex life but they rarely – if ever – actually discuss their sex lives with each other. So when one partner wants something new, it seems like an impossible task to introduce the idea to the other person.

But getting what you want in bed isn’t really that difficult. These five steps will take you through the process and ease you into introducing the topic to your partner and developing a healthy foundation for your sexual future.

Know What You Want

In many cases, a person will know what they want. Maybe they want to try spanking or having their partner blindfold them. Specific acts are easy to pin down, but sometimes things are a bit trickier. Sometimes a person knows what they want the end result to be, even if they’re not sure how to get there. A woman might see a video on female ejaculation (also known as squirting) and want to try achieving that kind of orgasm. But squirting isn’t something that comes easy to most women and there are very specific sexual techniques partners need to use in order to achieve that goal.

Explore Your Kink On Your Own First

Whatever your kink or sexual goal, do a little research on your own before bringing it up to your partner. This means checking out movies, books, erotic fiction and shopping around for the accessories or supplies you’ll need. Exploring the kink or fetish a bit on your own will make it easier to talk about with your partner. This will also make it easier to speak with confidence and get past any initial awkwardness.

Ask Instead of Ordering

People respond better to being asked something rather than having a demand levied. Don’t tell your partner what you two will be trying out, ask them how they feel about the kink. Share your own interests, listen to what they have to say and encourage each other to have a deep and meaningful conversation about the topic. If you’re interested in trying out different forms of BDSM, discuss how much you’re willing to give or receive along with how comfortable your partner is. Don’t demand the whole nine yards right away – ask your partner about his or her comfort level and use that as a starting point.

Lose Your Inhibitions

Being open and communicating what you want from sex isn’t the time to beat around the bush or speak in riddles. Be frank and up front about what you want before and during sex. Don’t hold back to ask your partner to squeeze more, pinch tighter or change the level of intensity. At the same time, don’t hold back when it comes to telling your partner how good something make you feel. The more information you share with your partner, the better they’ll be able to please you – and the more likely they’ll be to communicate with you.

Stay Open to Spontaneity

Exploring a fetish or new kink means following some sort of plan since you’ve done your research and have things you want to try. But don’t let that process prevent you from being spontaneous with your partner. If you’ve been playing around with pegging and he wants to throw some light whipping into the mix, give it a try if it’s within your comfort levels. There’s no wrong way to explore sexuality with your partner, so don’t be afraid to mix things up and try different combinations. It will keep your sex life interesting, encourage communication between the two of you and will make it easier for you both to have the best sex of your lives.

9 Funny But True Penis Facts

Sex length

Mr. Penis doesn’t come with a set of instructions, so many people don’t quite know how to use him properly in order to maximize his amazing potential. And sometimes, even his owner doesn’t know exactly how to clearly communicate his needs. To unearth the folklore of this flaccid and erect member of society and to help provide you with some tips to provide it with ultimate pleasure, here are 9 helpful penis facts that will help address some of the common questions, myths, and misconceptions.

Fact 1: It’s A Delicate Organ

Although men often project a tough exterior and act like their penises are akin to baseball bats, the penis is actually a delicate organ comprised of an intricate system of flesh, tissue, blood vessels and nerves. The penis is both a reproductive and excretory organ. It has three main functions: (1) urination; (2) sexual pleasure; (3) reproduction. And while there are many great pretenders and colorful imitators at adult novelty stores, nothing can compare to the real thing.

Fact 2: You Can Fracture A Penis

A penile fracture results from a rupture to the muscular fibers and tissues. This is usually caused by blunt trauma or unnecessary roughness during sexual intercourse or masturbation. A penile fracture is an excruciatingly painful medical emergency that usually requires surgery to repair. Another unfortunate side effect of a penile fracture is that it may result in long-term complications. So the next time you’re ready to ride’em Cowgirl, ease up on the reverse cowgirl, as this position tends to be the notorious nemesis.

Fact 3: Big Feet Does Not Equal Big Penis

The rumor that you can tell the size of a man’s penis by the size of his feet is absolutely not true! There is no scientific data to support this belief. In fact, there is no real way of determining the size of a penis unless you actually take a look. The average flaccid length is approximately 3 to 4 inches and the average erect penis is around 5 to 7 inches long. The flaccid circumference/girth averages 3.5 to 3.9 inches and the erect circumference is around 4.7 inches. So think twice before sizing a man up by the size of his shoes; you just might be in for a big disappointment or perhaps the best surprise of your life!

Fact 4: “Blue Balls” Is A Real Thing

A lot of times men will try to use this excuse to “get some action,” but in some cases he is actually telling the truth. Here are the facts. “Blue balls” results from a prolonged state of sexual arousal. When a man is turned on, blood flows to his penis giving him an erection and causing his testicles to swell. If he doesn’t ejaculate, there is a buildup of pressure through a process called vasocongestion. As the fluid builds up, it causes the tubes at the back of the testicles to stretch, which can cause mild to severe pain in the testicles and/or dull aching in the prostate gland. Usually an orgasm from sex or a good ole hand job will take care of it. And just in case you’re wondering why it’s called blue balls, it’s because the blood has been in the testicles for a while causing them to lose oxygen, thus giving the appearance of a bluish tint.

Fact 5: Size Is Not An Indicator Of Performance

Big things sometimes come in little packages. By and large, no pun intended, penis size is not an indicator of sexual performance or sexual pleasure. The vagina is flexible and can contract or expand to accommodate the size of the penis, and in addition, sexual position, clitoris play and sexual enhancers such as pillows can make up for where the penis may be well endowed or lack in length. Some oral skills and a lot of enthusiasm can make up for size any day.

Fact 6: Penises Love More Than Deep Throat

Pleasuring a penis involves more than deep throat sucking. Although many people believe that deep throating is the only way to suck a penis, there are many other ways to bring it to ejaculation. Try kissing, licking, sucking, and stroking the penis with different oral and hand techniques. Shower it with affection! Do not be afraid to have a love affair with the penis. The more responsive and excited you are, the more likely the penis will rise to the occasion.

Fact 7: Drinking, Drugs, And Penises Don’t Mix

If you’re planning on a BIG (pun intended) night of passionate and intense sex, then cut back or even hold off on drinking and drug use. In the beginning, a man may experience normal desires and sex but this soon changes as the alcohol and drugs begin effect his body. Contrary to popular belief, drinking alcohol and smoking does not produce, prolong or enhance sexual performance. It actually has the opposite effect, meaning that it can make it even more difficult for the penis to get or maintain an erection. Substances can also greatly damage blood vessels in the penis. If the blood vessels are damaged, blood flow to the penis will be impaired. In fact, long-term substance use/abuse can contribute to long term sexual dysfunctions – including erectile dysfunction.

Fact 8: All Penises Change Over Time

Change is inevitable! As we age, our bodies age. In the case of the penis, some of the changes that might occur include: color, decreased sensitivity, hair loss and shrinkage. In addition, as men age, testosterone levels will decrease. Testosterone helps support nervous tissue, so when levels start to drop, there will be a decrease in desire and sensitivity, making it more difficult to reach orgasm. Although erectile dysfunction is not inevitable, with each passing decade the statistics indicate that by age 40 nearly 50% of men begin to experience erectile dysfunction. This number increases by 10% with each passing decade. Try not to be discouraged, it’s just part of the process of aging, and there are exercises that can help.

Fact 9: A Ménage A Trois Is A Must

The penis and his two friends, the testicles aka the balls, are always down for a good threesome! Many people tend to shy away from the testicles during sex play. However, there are a lot of men that enjoy a little extra attention on their testicles. Try cupping them, giving them a little tug, licking them or even putting them in your mouth. The next time you want to spice things up or include a little extra pleasure in your sexual repertoire, a rendezvous with the three of them is the perfect place to start. A note of caution: Because the testicles are extremely sensitive, use caution when handling.

In order to provide optimal sexual pleasure and satisfaction to Mr. Penis, you need to keep an open mind, know the facts, consult the owner and make changes as needed!