Sexpert Spotlight: The Secret To Not Getting Bored In Long Term Relationships

With over 12 million views of her TED talks on YouTube, couples counselor Esther Perel explores the relationship between love and desire, and the idea of “erotic intelligence.”

She is particularly interested in why and people get bored in long term relationships, and how to keep that from happening. Married for 20 years, Perel is the daughter of two Holocaust survivors of concentration camps, where she learned at a young age that her parents “didn’t just want to survive, they wanted to revive. They wanted to embrace vibrancy and vitality — in the mystical sense of the word, the erotic.”

Perel began to ask the question to her couples to answer: “I turn myself off when…” and they answered things like “When I don’t like my body, when I’m worried, when I don’t feel worthy of receiving pleasure…”

Then she asked them to answer when they were turned on to their partners. Their answers were “when I see him working in his studio, “when I see her on stage,” when they are doing something present.” Couples also said they liked being separated from their partners, longing for them, and then reuniting again. Longing for someone is a turn-on.

And what is the secret to long term passion and not getting bored with each other? The secret she says, is “exploring, adventure, travel, playfulness, novelty, and most of all imagination.” She also notes that imaginative fantasies are sometimes “wrong,” but that’s okay. “The erotic mind is not always politically correct.”

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Anka Radakovich is a legendary Sex Columnist, Certified Sexologist, Sex Educator, Screenwriter, and Author of the book THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, PART 2, Tales from New York to Hollywood. THE WILD GIRLS CLUB, Part 2 is her third book. Her first two books, The Wild Girls Club; Tales from below the Belt, and Sexplorations; Journeys to the Erogenous Frontier were both published by Crown/Random House. She was the Sex Columnist for DETAILS Magazine for 9 years and currently writes columns for and Los Angeles Magazine. Her writing has appeared in dozens of magazines including Marie Claire, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Harper’s Bazaar, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Men's Journal, Seventeen, Glamour, and Maxim. She has appeared on numerous television shows including 8 appearances with Conan O’Brien. She was a Jeopardy question under the category “Men’s Mags.” As a Sex Educator and Sexologist, she is a college lecturer at Universities throughout the country who offers her unique brand of sex education. Follow her on Twitter @ankarad.


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