How To Ask For What You Want In Bed

It has happened to many of us: we are at the brink of ecstasy, just about to cum, Big “O” in sight, when all of a sudden our partner changes directions, speed, or pressure and we lose it. We withdraw from the moment, only to convince ourselves that we will never orgasm again. Although it may seem dramatic, many people deal with the tease of ecstasy frequently because they are unsure of how to ask for what they want in bed (or on the floor, the counter, in the car, wherever desire strikes). These three steps below can help ensure that your sexual experiences are fulfilling to all those involved.

Step 1: Learn what you want.

This may seem obvious, but so many individuals have shame and guilt around sexual pleasure that they never masturbate or allow themselves to explore their bodies sexually. I had a client once who shared that she hadn’t reached orgasm with a partner in five years. She felt like she did not deserve pleasure herself, so she was reluctant to ask for it from her partners. EVERYONE DESERVES SEXUAL PLEASURE. You hold the key to your sexual happiness and learning how to be sexually fulfilled independently is one of the best things you can do for your wellbeing. So go ahead and touch yourself: and don’t stop until you feel something incredible.

Step 2: Subtly Hint.

For those individuals who may be a bit shy to outright ask for what they want, subtle physical cues may help inform your partner or partners of what you want. Moan when the pressure or speed is just right. Move your hips in a way that allows for maximum pressure or direction. Lightly tug your partner’s hair or scratch their back when they’re doing something right. Firmly grab onto their shoulders, arms, or hips when something feels good. Even whispering, “Right there, “ or “Yes!” sends a clear signal that you like what’s happening.

Step 3: Straight Up Ask.

For those who don’t get the hint through subtle tactics, asking for what you want directly provides clear direction. Demanding or ordering them to do something can be risky (unless you’re role playing), so instead of saying, “Suck my dick,” something like, “I love it when you take my cock in your mouth,” would likely be more well received. If you’re still feeling shy about giving these directions aloud, try sending a sexy text or leaving a sexy note somewhere your partner will see it. Something like, “I plan on being bad today and will probably need a spanking later tonight…” sends a clear message about what you want. Your partner will likely be turned on by just hearing you vocalize your kinky desires and be receptive to trying it out. Most good partners want to please you and relish the opportunity to make you scream (in a good way). So open your mouth and open your legs!