DR- Intimacy is Key

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Intimacy is Key

The thing about foreplay is that it can sometimes be more intimate than intercourse, which seems to focus on the end goal of orgasm rather than the immediate connection between partners. While foreplay can go on for hours, intercourse does not. Though it may not be a popular thing to say, I believe many people actually prefer foreplay to intercourse because it’s much more relaxed and there is less pressure placed on performance. It’s more about the other person than the orgasmic self.

There are four types of intimacy that should sound familiar to you, whether they’re working successfully in your current relationship or not.

Cognitive Intimacy

Cognitive intimacy is when a couple is able to communicate their basic wants, needs and doubts in an open, honest and comfortable way, without fear of judgment or rejection. This is a fundamental building block for relationships since couples who can’t communicate their basic needs to each other usually don’t end up getting what they want, which inevitably derails the love train.

Experiential Intimacy

Experiential intimacy occurs when a couple is actively involved in doing something they enjoy doing together, whether it’s dancing, cooking, painting or gardening. They are literally interacting mentally, physically and emotionally.

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy can be a slow burning passion that includes a variety of activities such as caressing, kissing, erotic talk and oral pleasure that may or may not lead to sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy can also include a broader range of sexual behavior such as anal play and role-playing. As long as both partners want to express their sexuality together, there is no right or wrong way to experience sexual intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is brought about through willingness, reciprocity, candor and experience, all of which are paramount for establishing trust necessary to bond with someone at such a deep level. To experience emotional intimacy you must first surrender
to yourself so that you feel complete, then surrender to each other to complement each other’s souls. Even if you struggle to express your feelings, you can work towards letting down your defenses and opening up your heart. Begin by listening with empathy and understanding, even when discussion turns to boundaries and relationship “deal breakers.”

Intimacy is Like Opening a Pandora’s Box of Emotions

Intimacy can open up a Pandora’s Box of feelings, so be prepared for uncomfortable feelings along with your feelings of pleasure when you release and surrender yourself completely to each other. It is often harder for a man to surrender than for a woman because some men are unable to distinguish the difference between weakness and
emotional surrender, and they feel it’s unmanly to be weak. It’s worth learning the difference! That vulnerability you feel will enable you to merge into oneness with your partner. We all have fears based on past relationships, but without taking the risk of surrender, there can be no true love and intimacy.

Ultimately, we strive to open our emotional doorways to all of our senses, so that we can be present and emotionally available to one another. Intimacy is not just sex, but incorporates trust, comfort, safety, surrender, respect and open communication. Both partners must have a clear intention of fullness in the moment rather than being goal oriented. Think of intimacy like an artichoke. You have to peel off the layers and savor them before you can devour the succulent tender heart.

The key hormone in acts of intimacy is oxytocin because it is partially responsible for recognition, attachment, bonding and the building of trust. One of the neat things about oxytocin is that you can get your fix anywhere at any time. All you need to do is simply hug someone! The simple act of bodily contact will cause your brain to release low levels of oxytocin — both in yourself and in the person you’re touching. There’s even evidence that simply gazing at someone will do the trick — or even just thinking about them. Studies have shown that a rise in oxytocin levels can relieve pain — everything from headaches and cramps to overall body aches. Oxytocin has been observed to reduce the stress
hormone cortisol in the body and lower blood pressure.

I’ve had many women tell me how annoyed they are that their male partner falls asleep after sex, but there’s an excellent explanation. After an orgasm, men experience decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is the region of the brain associated with processing
and responding to information.

Dr. Serge Stoleru published research entitled Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, where he reported that immediately following this reaction, two other brain areas (the cingulate cortex and amygdala) direct men to disengage from sexual thoughts. As if that weren’t enough, men also receive a spike in serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin levels at this time, leaving them with a powerful sleep-inducing one-two punch.

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”- Dame Barbara Cartland

Intimacy is a vital part of a relationship and it is intention that helps us to reach our goals. Without intention there is no focus or follow through. With shared intention comes a deeper heart connection and an even higher level of sexual satisfaction.


♥ Share all the qualities that you love about each other mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

♥ Share three strengths plus three things you would like to improve in the relationship.

♥ Share your physical, emotional and sexual boundaries without any judgment.

♥ Share three of your most romantic memories with each other and plan to reenact one that you both agree upon.

♥ Begin describing a romantic fantasy scenario and let your partner add to it. Then take turns creating additional scenes that get more and more erotic.



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