Casual Intimacy: Can There be Intimacy with Casual Sex?

Here are a few things that make me happy:

  • Sunshine
  • Chocolate
  • Cold Beer
  • Good Sex
  • The Golden Girls

Because I enjoy happiness, I spend a lot of time outside. I eat a small piece of chocolate every night after my kids go to bed. There’s always beer in my fridge, and I own every episode of The Golden Girls.

Also because I enjoy happiness, I pursue good sex. Because the best sex involves another person, attaining it can be more complicated than a trip to the grocery store or stepping into my backyard.

For me, the search for good sex extends beyond pleasurable genitalia, impressive stamina, and even a pretty face. Beauty and technique matter, but not as much as a person’s ability to inspire me or make me smile. Sex toys have come a long way–if a firm, sizable cock was all I required, I’d have run off with Alan long ago.


The necessity of a great personality is a somewhat regrettable complication. Tindr, that abomination, unites a bazillion people each day. It strips folks down to a few favorable pictures and a brief, self-imposed synopsis. Matches are easy and uncomplicated. If somethings goes wrong, swipe left (or is it right?) and it’s onto the next.

Causal sex becomes less casual when personalities get involved, but without personality, what fun is sex? Physical release is intense, amazing, healthy, and necessary, but I don’t know that I’d call it fun. Fun is eye contact pulling you towards a first kiss. Fun is a full body spark emanating from a bare knee. Fun is exchanging breath while laughing.

Fun is intimacy. Intimacy is arousing. Is it also inherently non-casual?

If I have sex with you, I like you. I might like you like I like sunshine, gaining from you a warmth that fills me and sends me straight to sleep. I might enjoy you like I enjoy classic TV, relaxing fully when we’re together and delighting in your good humor. I might close my eyes and savor you like you like a Hershey’s Kiss.

Whichever form it takes, like differs from love. Likewise, a desire to have sex with someone only sometimes coincides with wanting to form a committed relationship. There’s an obvious, glowing overlap in the Venn Diagram of sex and attachment, but there are singular spaces, and they don’t all represent anonymous sex.

I seek happiness, and I know what it is. It’s coconut yogurt with chocolate chips. It’s sunny cheeks. It’s cheap beer in a baby pool. It’s a flower the day before its death.

And it’s the sweat behind his neck. It’s the arch of my back. It’s frantic fingers and shuddering thighs. However intense and however intimate, sex can also just be happiness.

When we’re truthful with ourselves and with our partners, we’re granted the freedom to enjoy what we enjoy. When coyness morphs into game playing, we only limit ourselves. Too often, we restrict pleasure out of fear or perceived obligation. I’m not suggesting irresponsibility or hedonism. Contrarily, I’m casting a vote for honesty.

The best sex is shared between people who understand each other’s relevant needs. If you’re forming a relationship, you may want to discuss future goals. If you’re embarking on a one night stand, find out how he likes his dick sucked. And if what you want falls somewhere in between, say what’s honest, do what’s true, seek pleasure and harm no one.

Nothing could be more simple, or more casual.

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Alison Miller's dream to become a writer was born when she won her first Young Author's Contest. Her desire to masturbate professionally came later, and intensified after a switch from a focus on English to a major in Fashion Merchandising led to the opening of Taboo in 2002. Taboo is a small chain of nationally acclaimed adult boutiques located in Richmond, Virginia. Taboo won StoreErotica's Boutique of the Year in 2009 and has carried the title of Style Weekly's Best Adult Novelty Store five years in a row. Taboo has been nominated for multiple AVN and O Awards and the MUSE Award for creativity in business. Alison won the Inked Angels Achievement Award in 2013. Taboo is female owned and operated and focuses on providing a comprehensive selection of toys, lubricants, DVDs, and lingerie to all patrons. We believe there is a toy--or 20--for everyone, and that sexuality should be unashamedly embraced. Alison's blog and toy reviews appear on and she is a regular contributor to and She speaks locally about sex toys and sex education and her uncanny ability to sexualize football is a regular feature on Fox Sports Radio.


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