If He’s Said I Do, Here’s How to Say I Don’t: The Feminist Sexpert Guide to Rejecting Married Men

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The Feminist Sexpert actively dislikes playing the drinking game Never Have I Ever, because–well–I never get to drink! I’ve pretty much tried everything on the sexual spectrum, and (as my icon Mae West phrases it) “Twice if it feels good!” But the one thing I’ve never done–and that I never plan to do–is have an affair with a married man.

Why? Well, I attribute this decision to a mixture of both modern and traditional values. Modern in the sense that–well–I’m the Feminist Sexpert damn it, and I refuse to break the Girl Code by dallying with somebody else’s man. Traditional in the sense that, the times that I’ve attended weddings, I take the ‘forsaking all others’ bit pretty darned seriously.  

But, some might ask: What if he’s in an open marriage? Nope. What if he isn’t legally married but is in a serious relationship? Nope. What if he’s really, really hot? Sigh, it physically wounds me to say this, but….No. Look, I’ve even surrendered crushes on favorite male models and adult actors once I found out they were hitched or seriously committed.

Is it always easy? No. I’ve turned down some major league hotties, with my clit and pussy screaming–no, make that wailing–a chorus of protest every step of the way–but at the end of the day, my heart and my mind stay good.

To any sisterfriends out there who have trouble resisting the charms of bewedded baes, here are a few tips that might help:

1. Get to know their spouses and families. If this isn’t possible, at least locate photos of them on social media. Once you see that smiling sisterfriend or that adorable kid, you wouldn’t dream of doing ’em dirty.

2. If you have to interact with Tommy Tempter at work or in a social group, be sure not ‘go to the barbecue hungry,’ if you catch my meaning. If you have a partner yourself, work with him/her/they to heat things up in the bedroom so that you don’t leave home unsatisfied. If you are happily self-partnered like myself, hit up your friends with bens, hire a male companion (my favorite remedy for just about any sexual issue–ride ’em Cowgirl!), attend a male strip show, buy a new toy and some porn, etc.

3. Avoid developing deep, close friendships with married men–unless they’re married to other men and are not tempted by female you, or bear such a strong likeness to Quasimodo on Quaaludes that you’re not even remotely tempted. A fun friendship date that seems like just a lunch or just a movie could become more. Restrict social messaging to work-related topics or quick hi/byes.

4. Seek some artistic inspiration.  See the Jill Clayburgh classic “An Unmarried Woman” to see the story of a woman who bravely survives her husband’s betrayal and abandonment. Or listen to the classic Shirley Murdock song “Husband.” The powerful lyrics include:

“My desire for you is strong, but I won’t do wrong. You’re that lady’s husband…

My decency prevails… Well I’m a lady with class and I know my desire will pass…

This cannot [be] because you are her husband.”

5. Think about what it would be like if the high heel was on the other foot. Imagine the pain and anger of finding out that the man of your heart was breaking yours–with the help of another woman.

6. Don’t believe his bunk. Of course he’s going to tell you his wife is so darned evil, she makes Maleficent look like Doris Day. What is he going to say? “My wife is a sweet, wonderful woman, which I’m sure will make you feel just wonderful about helping me betray her?” If she is indeed such an awful person, he needs to divorce her. But if his come on starts with the line, “My wife doesn’t understand me,” then the ultimate cool reply is, “Then the poor dear and I have something in common. Think I’ll call her up, and we’ll do coffee.”



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