⚠️⚠️TRIGGER ALERT! IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED SEXUAL TRAUMA OR VIOLENCE, THIS POST MIGHT BE TRIGGERING
I had a session with a client this week and she told me she has difficulty climaxing with her partner. She could do it by herself in 5 minutes, but with him it almost never happened.
They have been married for about 8 years and on the surface everything seemed ok, so she was confused as to why this is so difficult for her. So we dove deeper.
When I asked her what is the absolutely first feeling that comes to your mind when you think pen!s? Pay close attention to how your body reacts to that word (our bodies never lie, we may censor our minds to a certain degree, but not our bodies)
After a moment she told me, “that’s so strange but the very first feeling that came to me was fear. I never realized it was there, it was so subtle.”
I could see how her whole body contracted at this word, so subtly her shoulders slouched, it was closing off in a protective posture.
I asked her, have you ever been penetrated before you were ready? Or when you actually didn’t want to?
She said yes.
Most women I work with say yes.
I also said yes.
What about you?
If you answered yes, I feel you sister, I see you. You are not alone.
If this was a traumatic event for you, I am so sorry you went through that, there is healing and hope at the end of the tunnel. You are so loved.
However for those who still said yes, but don’t feel like there was a traumatic event, that’s where it can get tricky.
Sexual trauma doesn’t just happen in big traumatic events, it can happen in small, seemingly harmless ways.
When your husband, or partner really wants sex, and you just “give it to him” so that he stops annoying you.
You just give it to him so he doesn’t feel rejected, to protect his feelings.
You just give it to him because if you don’t he will find it elsewhere.
You just give it to him because you always have and it’s easier to continue this way instead of disturbing the status quo, possibly upsetting him and digging into all the mess that may come up.
You just give it to him so he doesn’t leave you.
Except our bodies know we are betraying them.
Our Yonis feel the subtle violence. Our wombs remember.
They remember our NO not being honored, not being important enough, our needs not being met. Ourselves censored.
And so they learn to associate the pen!s with the attacker, the invader who is going to come in without consent.
The one we need to bow to, when we don’t really want to, the one we need to tolerate to not hurt his feelings. The one we need to support if we want to keep the safety. Except it’s not really safe this way, is it?
LOVE, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FEEL PLEASURE FROM THAT STATE!
When subconsciously, you associate pen!s with any form of resistance, even if it is just annoyance…
When your first thought and feeling when you think of a pen!s is not joy, love and pleasure…
It becomes incredibly difficult to open yourself up to receive pleasure from your partner, because for us to open ourselves up, we first and foremost need to feel safe to surrender and receive.
So what is the very first feeling that comes to you when you think of the word pen!s?
If you are feeling love and joy and pleasure then YES BABE! I am celebrating you! Keep rocking this!
However if you feel resistance, fear, trauma, panic, hate, annoyance, confusion, anger or resentment, if you feel a somatic response from your body of contraction, rigidity, tension, then there might be some more healing work that is asking to be done.
The first step though is gaining awareness! So congrats on this, if you read it this far, you probably already made that step.
We can’t realign and heal what we are not aware of what we are hiding from.
I truly believe we all can and deserve to live fulfilling sexual lives. To be fully expressed as humans in all aspects of our being, our sexuality being one of the deepest of them.
That our needs are worth being met, that we are still love-able in our NO and that pen!ses are amazing bringers of joy, and love and pleasure when we heal our relationships with them.
Now I know that this is a very vulnerable subject, so not everyone might be daring enough to share how this shows up in their life, (if you are I would love to hear from you), but if this resonated, drop me a 💖 below
If you want to to explore this and other topics in a safe community of women and get more support, I would love to welcome you to my facebook group.
Keep shining your beautiful light!
Photo by Dainis Graveris from Pexels