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KINK or FETISH

By
Debra Shade
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BDSM sex toys for domination and submission. Whip with handcuffs and bandage for on red silk background

KINK or FETISH

You may have asked yourself this a time or two. What is the difference between a Kink and a Fetish? At its face a fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire of which an item, part of the body, item of clothing, etc. is involved in the play somehow to give increased pleasure that may or may not cause a release. If the object is not used however, the person is likely to release anyway. A Fetish on the other hand is when that object, item of clothing or body part is a necessity to have orgasm. Meaning if they don’t see, feel, hear, touch, or smell the object, they will not be able to release.

Currently the words fetish and kink are used one and the same. Any act that falls outside the “mainstream” norms. A great example is bondage. While the term may overlap, they are drastically different. A fetish is more of a psychological need while kink is more of a preference. The important thing to remember is, all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes. It is very individualized and are more widely accepted. Before playing you need to have the consent and safety conversation with your mate{s} about what it is that you are and are not willing to do or experience. This is imperative to keep the scene from turning traumatic.

It might include BDSM, roleplaying or impact play such as spanking and whipping. You might enjoy flogging or nipple claps. All you must do is speak up for yourself and ask for what is going to give you pleasure. Dominatrix and Submissive are apart of the BDSM scene. One doe not become a servant over night and a Dom does not become a Dom overnight. There are schools such as The BDSM Training Academy that can teach you how to excel and become an excellent player, there are also retreats and meet ups where you can learn techniques and skills needed to play safe, provide orgasm and have fun with the experience.

I savagely stand by my heart and mind that fetishes that include harming kids, animals, blood etc. are not forms of play but acts of traumatic distress. You are not on the same level if you enjoy the smell of an orange or to caress a breast while releasing. If you want to be spanked until your cherry red, this is your prerogative but there is a difference between abuse, kink, and fetish. You need to make sure you know where that line is and that you never cross it. Create a safe word or action (in case your mouth is tied) that your partner will understand to mean stop. Some Sexual Behavior experts do agree that fetishes can come from seeing inappropriate sexual behavior in early childhood or from abuse. These fetishes develop in the early life and grow as an individual progresses through life.

Most kinks and fetishes are not a disorder by definition. It all depends on the level of intense lasting distress. You need to adopt the belief that if pleasure is the end goal, it is OK. If you are forcing them to take part in any activity, this is not and will never be OK. You or someone you know should seek professional help if the behavior becomes compulsive, desperate and/or distressed to the level of becoming suicidal.

Of course, some fetishes are harmless. “Adult baby diaper lovers” is a practice by 1,800 men and 140 women according to a recent study. Most of the subjects reported they were “comfortable” with their fetish and saw no problem in practice it. This can be said for individuals who enjoy bondage, discipline or BDSM. If everyone agrees, the chances are no one is getting hurt in a way that is extreme or permanent and everyone.
Know that people can fetishize almost anything. Studies show that body parts such as feet, body features such as obesity, piercings, tattoos and splooshing are some of the top activities. When the fixation is on one body part, this is known as partialism. This involves one body part that is isolated and sexually charged or objectified. Body fluid, body size and hair fetishes are some of the other things that people fetishize. Sometimes clothes worn on the hips and legs such as stockings and skirts are at the top of the list for some. Some like to dress in furry animal costumes or have their partners do it.

The Differences Between BDSM & Abuse

By
Bobby Morgan
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Finding My Dream Dom

I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last person to write about the differences between BDSM and abuse.

Years ago, I had actively sought out single Doms for relationships. I had a few good experiences that didn’t pan out for personal or compatibility reasons. I immediately weeded out a ton of dickheads and clueless wannabes before there was ever a hope of exchanging phone calls or meeting in person. I also chatted or met with about a half-dozen men who scared me so badly that I ended and blocked contact with them every way I knew how. They just wanted to verbally and/or physically abuse women.

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic about some of the horrible men I came across in my life. If I had the information and contacts that I have now about what is truly, safe, sane and consensual (SSC), I would have never let things get as far as they went. There’s a lot more good credible information available about BDSM now than when I was looking for the Dom of my dreams years ago, but I still see bad information floating around.

Some Subs Don’t Even Know They Are Being Abused

Ironically, some of the worst offenders are usually in some sub-to-sub online discussion forums where the most influential posters have no idea or refuse to believe that they’re being abused. They talk about large, deep patches of bruises and welts like badges of honor. They insist that they’ll do anything their Doms tell them to without question in order to make them happy. And I don’t think I have to explain how lots of people pick up “everything they know” about BDSM from the media, erotica and porn.

It’s easy for people to pick up mixed messages. On the surface, BDSM can look like abuse. Restraints and pain implements like whips, floggers and canes may be used to inflict pain but as long as it induces or incorporated with pleasurable sensual experience.

Terms like “humiliation” and “degradation” may be used, but only to push psychological limits in a controlled way with mutual sexual satisfaction. Words like “whore”, “bitch” and “slut” may be used to evoke a partner’s deeply buried and uncensored sexual side. But if you don’t feel like you’re getting a sexual thrill or feel good or liberated about taking part in activities like that, evaluate how you feel and what’s going on in your BDSM relationship in these following ways.

BDSM is based on consent. It’s not consent if…

  • You did not expressly give consent.
  • You were afraid to say “No”.
  • You say, “Yes,” to avoid conflict or to avoid consequences like losing a job or being outed.
  • You cannot withdraw consent and stop what’s happening at any time.
  • You cannot express limits and needs without being ridiculed, criticized or being coerced into relinquishing limits.

Tell-tales Signs of an Abuser Vs a Dom/me

A Dominant (a male Dom or female Domme) will take a submissive’s concerns seriously during or after a scene, even days or weeks after; an abuser will not.

A Dominant will take responsibility for any physical, emotional or mental trauma that arises during the course of play. An abuser will say abuse didn’t happen or will shift the responsibility for how a sub feels back to him or her.

A Dominant encourages a submissive to have contacts within in the BDSM community or anyone else in a submissive’s life. An abuser will limit or forbid a submissive to have contacts with others in or even out of the BDSM community.

A Dominant encourages a submissive to learn about BDSM. An abuser may forbid a submissive to learn about BDSM or even refuse to learn about BDSM him or herself.

A Dominant respects limits and pays immediate heed to safewords. An abuser may convince you not to use safewords, admonishes you for using safewords, or ignores safewords.

A Dominant may take control your behavior during the course of scene. An abuser may take control of your behavior at all times.

BDSM is enjoyed by all partners: fun, erotic, loving, and done with an understanding of trust. An abuser has no regard for enjoyment of his or her partner and feels entitled to obedience.

A Dominant learns what they do before they put it into action and will even talk about their learning and training. A Dominant will also show a submissive their favorite implements and talk about what they know about safety and how to handle emergencies before any kind of play ensues. An abuser gets dismissive, defensive or even angry when questioned about their BDSM knowledge, education, training or awareness of risks.

Dominants check on their submissives to make sure they’re okay during the course of a scene and even just after or even days afterward. Abusers have no concern for a submissive’s safety, comfort or enjoyment.

A Dominant intends to have a mutually enjoyable encounter; an abuser does not.

During bondage scenes, Dominants use safety clips and know how to release a submissive quickly. An abuser restrains victims with fear and intimidation.

BDSM is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting partners. An abuser will breach a submissive’s trust because he believes he’s entitled.

BDSM is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people. Abuse is about the lack of respect or even straight-out contempt that one person demonstrates toward a submissive.

BDSM is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure. Abuse is out-of-control physical violence or emotional degradation that leaves a submissive feeling physically or emotionally wounded with no reward.

Negotiation occurs before a BDSM scene to determine what can and will not happen during the course of a scene. An abuser determines what will happen without input or consent from a submissive.

Each person involved in a BDSM scene is concerned about the needs and desires of others. An abuser doesn’t consider the needs of a submissive and may even insist that a submissive should like and enjoy everything inflicted upon them.

What to do if You Feel You are Being Abused

If any of these situations sound like what you’re dealing with, it’s time to reevaluate, renegotiate or walk away from the relationship. If you still have questions or doubt or need help getting out of an abusive relationship of any kind (the risk of abusive relationships is not limited to BDSM), call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Or go here: https://www.thehotline.org/

You can also find more information here at the Submissive Guide: BDSM Vs Abuse.

Keep in mind that there are lots of great Dominant men and women out there. Some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. They’ll be the first to tell you that respect and trust are earned; it’s a two-way street. They practice what they say with others in the BDSM community, their neighbors, their co-workers, the waitress who works at the corner diner, and, of course, their subs … just in a different way.

Pain & Pleasure in the Brain: Why it Hurts So Good!

By
Dr. Ava Cadell
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Photo by Olga Korolenko on Unsplash

Mind and Body Experiences

To be fully engaged in life, we must become aware of the extraordinary connection between our mental state and our physical being. Everything we do relies on neurons communicating with one another, electrical impulses and chemical signals carrying messages across different parts of the brain as well as between the brain and the rest of the nervous system. The body and mind work together to heighten all our experiences, our love and sex lives included.

Pain and Pleasure Ignite The Same Areas of the Brain

Scientists have also discovered that emotions have a physical place in the brain. Anger, happiness, sadness, fear – each has a specific neural circuitry that has evolved over millions of years. Interestingly, many dichotomous emotions reside in the same place. For example, fear and anger come from the same area of the brain, which is the root of the “fight or flight” response. Similarly, pain and pleasure are also roommates. Studies have shown that people who enjoy BDSM (Bondage, Domination/Discipline, Sadism and Masochism) ignite the same areas of their brains for both the pleasure and the pain they experience.

Emotional Hurt, Physical Pain

When people feel emotional pain, it triggers the same areas of the brain as physical pain.

Why is this? Going back to our initial definition of feelings, the body responds to the messages of the mind. This applies to a broken heart as much as a broken toe.

Our body responds to our thoughts and feelings. Below is a just a short list of some of the physical conditions that can indicate our emotional health is out of balance:

♥ Back pain
♥ Chest pain
♥ Constipation
♥ Exhaustion
♥ Headaches
♥ High blood pressure
♥ Insomnia
♥ Palpitations
♥ Sexual problems
♥ Stiff neck
♥ Upset stomach
♥ Weight changes

Alan Fogel, Ph.D., explored this phenomenon for Psychology Today (“Where Does Emotion Hurt In The Body?” 2012) with a series of insightful questions, most notably this one about tripping over a box someone left behind, “If my brain sends me the signal that I broke my toe and I can feel it in my toe, where does my brain place the emotional pain of anger I have for the guy that left the box in the hallway?” More directly, “Where does emotional pain hurt?”

Fogel wonders if emotional pain might reside in the area of the body that represents that unexpressed emotion. For instance, in the example of a toe stubbed on a box left in the hallway, the decision to not yell at the culprit may result in tension in the neck, throat and jaw because the desired expression was not taken, so the muscle that would have otherwise been exercised becomes tense. So, really, saying someone is a “pain in the neck” is more truth than cliché.

Using this logic, is “heartbreak” a real thing? Some researchers believe so. The feeling of love is partly created by vagal-parasympathetic activation, which promotes an easy and relaxed integration of breathing and heart rate. When this comfortable feeling is challenged
by deception or a break up, the sympathetic nervous system responds the same as if it were a physical threat. Since the safety was felt in the chest area, the body may go into protection mode, thereby causing shoulders to hunch into a downcast posture as if to protect the chest and the heart from further pain.

It is important to become aware of where emotional pain resides in our bodies because the location may hold the key to releasing the pain. To improve your emotional and physical health, keep these basic goals in mind:

♥ Don’t repress, deny or ignore your feelings.
♥ Express your feelings in appropriate ways.
♥ Maintain a positive outlook.
♥ Develop resilience.
♥ Practice relaxation techniques.
♥ Take care of your body with healthy nutrition and exercise.

Take a moment to pay attention to your body. Do you have a physical pain that isn’t related to a known injury or ailment? If so, how might it be related to unresolved emotional pain?

Tune into these emotions, and work through them instead of suppressing them, and you may find this will alleviate the physical pain.

 

What is it really like to live the 24-7 Dom/Sub Relationship

By
Coralyn Jewel
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When I sit here and write this blog to share with you, let it be known I am NOT an expert on this topic.  I too, have researched it and in the various adult entities I am involved in I have been exposed numerous times to others who do choose to live this type of lifestyle 24/7.  Now, this can not only be referred to as information on a Dom and Sub but also on a mistress or Fem Dom and submissive.

A relationship between two people where one is the higher authority figure, hierarchy, or power structure.  Now, just as I have discussed in previous interviews and blogs, the number one most important thing is consent.  You are choosing to be involved in this type of relationship and communication is the key ingredient.

When it comes to roleplay or playing out your sexual fantasies, you must know that if choosing to live this lifestyle 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you will not always be aroused.  So, it reverts back to why you are choosing this lifestyle.  Does this mean one of you is less superior than the other? Does this have anything to do with race, gender, age difference, race, or another variable?  The answer in my research is absolutely not.   It comes down to both involved choosing to voluntarily choose who is in which power position.

It is also important to keep in mind, no one is perfect and mistakes will occur.  A safeword is still 100% on the table and limits must be set between both involved.  Everything I always say and will continue to say, revolve around communication.

What about Kink groups? Communities, seminars, books, or anything having to do with learning more about the Dom Sub relationship, will they help? Again, I have found that we can always improve in any way of life by continuing our education.  So, do not be afraid to reach out for guidance and assistance.  Remember, you are both learning and although one may be more experienced there needs to be a level of patience and understanding to continue to build a healthy Dom sub relationship.

So, if this type of lifestyle intrigues you my suggestion as with any other alternative relationships we have discussed on my podcast is to take it slow, communicate, attend seminars, workshops, read blogs and listen to podcasts.  You learn by listening.  Learn together and work together and back to my words I live by, “Patience will Prosper”.

Coralyn Jewel

What is a Bondage Gag? Why Use a Bondage Gag?

By
Mistress Kay
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image credit to prettysleepy1

What is a Bondage Gag?

A type of kink gear used in kink scenarios or BDSM play, a bondage gag slips into the mouth to muffle speech and make it difficult to communicate. Once in the mouth, most bondage gags include one (or more) straps that fasten the gag to the mouth. This can make it difficult for the wearer to remove – especially if it is locked onto the face.

Gags are available in a wide variety of shapes and sizes for different functionalities. Gags can be as simple as a rubber ball (which is a common shape for beginners!) or duct tape. They can also be more complicated like muzzles or full-face harnesses. A bondage gag may also reflect a niche kink interest like an ash tray, a medical Jennings gag, or a pacifier.

In general, the bottom/submissive partner will be the person wearing a gag. However, that isn’t always the case, and anyone within any power dynamic can use a gag if they so choose. It’s just another kinky tool in your available toolbox!

Why Use a Gag?

There are a wide variety of reasons that someone might want to use a bondage gag. Some of the most common reasons include:

  • Feelings of Submission: A lot of people find it extremely erotic to be forced into silence. It’s like bondage – but for the voice. This can really enhance the feelings of submission and vulnerability for the bondage gag wearer.
  • Erotic Mumblings: While the bondage gag wearer may find it erotic to have their speech taken from them, their partner may find it just as erotic to hear the noises that come from the wearer’s mouth. Instead of words, they’ll be muffled noises, and the sound of those noises can be – by themselves – pretty hot!
  • Induce Drooling: Want to watch your partner uncontrollably drool? Bondage gags can accomplish that. Since some types of bondage gags (like ball gags) force the mouth open and make it impossible to close the mouth to swallow, saliva ends up dripping out of the mouth.
  • Erotic Appearance: There’s a lot to be said just for the look of a bondage gag. Even outside of its word-mumbling benefits, it has a look to it that’s pretty hard to replicate outside of a gag.

How to Use a Bondage Gag

Just place the bondage gag into the mouth, fasten it around the head, and you’re good to go! Bondage gags are extremely simple to use.

Most importantly, ensure you never use a bondage gag with someone who may have issues breathing. This may be due to a chronic condition – or something as transient as a cold or allergies. Since bondage gags add extra stress to breathing, they should never be used on anyone who is already experiencing issues breathing.

Looking for more tips? Check out everything you need to know about BDSM gags.

Best Beginner Gags

If you’re still in the beginner stages of your kink experiences where you’re looking for BDSM advice, you might be wondering what the “best” beginner gag is.

And, of course, I’m biased, but I think the best beginner gag is a bit gag.

What is a bit gag? Well, a bit gag looks pretty reminiscent of the gags that are used for horse bridles. It looks a bit like a long, bite-able stick (usually made from leather or silicone) that’s held in the mouth by a head strap.

It looks like this:

(Image compliments of Kinky World)

Unlike ball gags or other, larger objects, bit gags are much easier to fit into the mouth. They don’t require the mouth to open as wide, and they are much more friendly to those with jaw concerns.

In addition, since bit gags don’t fill up as much of the mouth, they also can make it easier to swallow and breathe. Depending on how large your bit gag is, the lips may be able to close around the exterior side of the gag – which can make it easier to swallow. This can help with breathing and prevent drooling – which may or may not be something you desire when wearing a bondage gag.

At the same time, bit gags still help muffle sounds and make it difficult to talk – so you get all of the benefits of using a bondage gag without most of the downsides of using the traditional ball gag.

What are Specialty Gags?

Of course, as long as people have been getting kinky, they’ve been getting creative with that kinky. That creativity is exactly where specialty bondage gags were born.

Specialty bondage gags go above and beyond your standard bondage gag styles. Instead, they have very dedicated, specialized uses. If you’re into those uses, these are going to be the most prized toys of your entire collection. But, as their name implies, be aware that these bondage gags are specialized – and may not be toys that you pull out frequently when you simply want to gag someone.

Not sure quite what I’m talking about? Take a look at the Scott Paul Designs Humiliator Gag System:

Image from Scott Paul Designs

You can see that this gag isn’t just for gagging the mouth. Instead, it turns the mouth into a functional tool for various accessories. The mouth gag can be used as a toilet brush to clean the toilet, to hold toilet paper, or to hang a towel. It isn’t just a general bondage gag, but instead, it’s a special bondage gag that offers specific uses.

So, if you want to accomplish some objectification in the bathroom, this specialty gag set is golden. If you’re simply wanting to quiet your partner during sex, however, this is probably going to look a bit silly.

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