Thursday, July 25, 2024

What is it really like to live the 24-7 Dom/Sub Relationship

When I sit here and write this blog to share with you, let it be known I am NOT an expert on this topic.  I too, have researched it and in the various adult entities I am involved in I have been exposed numerous times to others who do choose to live this type of lifestyle 24/7.  Now, this can not only be referred to as information on a Dom and Sub but also on a mistress or Fem Dom and submissive.

A relationship between two people where one is the higher authority figure, hierarchy, or power structure.  Now, just as I have discussed in previous interviews and blogs, the number one most important thing is consent.  You are choosing to be involved in this type of relationship and communication is the key ingredient.

When it comes to roleplay or playing out your sexual fantasies, you must know that if choosing to live this lifestyle 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you will not always be aroused.  So, it reverts back to why you are choosing this lifestyle.  Does this mean one of you is less superior than the other? Does this have anything to do with race, gender, age difference, race, or another variable?  The answer in my research is absolutely not.   It comes down to both involved choosing to voluntarily choose who is in which power position.

It is also important to keep in mind, no one is perfect and mistakes will occur.  A safeword is still 100% on the table and limits must be set between both involved.  Everything I always say and will continue to say, revolve around communication.

What about Kink groups? Communities, seminars, books, or anything having to do with learning more about the Dom Sub relationship, will they help? Again, I have found that we can always improve in any way of life by continuing our education.  So, do not be afraid to reach out for guidance and assistance.  Remember, you are both learning and although one may be more experienced there needs to be a level of patience and understanding to continue to build a healthy Dom sub relationship.

So, if this type of lifestyle intrigues you my suggestion as with any other alternative relationships we have discussed on my podcast is to take it slow, communicate, attend seminars, workshops, read blogs and listen to podcasts.  You learn by listening.  Learn together and work together and back to my words I live by, “Patience will Prosper”.

Coralyn Jewel

KINK or FETISH

BDSM sex toys for domination and submission. Whip with handcuffs and bandage for on red silk background

You may have asked yourself this a time or two. What is the difference between a Kink and a Fetish? At its face a fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire of which an item, part of the body, item of clothing, etc. is involved in the play somehow to give increased pleasure that may or may not cause a release. If the object is not used however, the person is likely to release anyway. A Fetish on the other hand is when that object, item of clothing or body part is a necessity to have orgasm. Meaning if they don’t see, feel, hear, touch, or smell the object, they will not be able to release.

Currently the words fetish and kink are used one and the same. Any act that falls outside the “mainstream” norms. A great example is bondage. While the term may overlap, they are drastically different. A fetish is more of a psychological need while kink is more of a preference. The important thing to remember is, all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes. It is very individualized and are more widely accepted. Before playing you need to have the consent and safety conversation with your mate{s} about what it is that you are and are not willing to do or experience. This is imperative to keep the scene from turning traumatic.

It might include BDSM, roleplaying or impact play such as spanking and whipping. You might enjoy flogging or nipple claps. All you must do is speak up for yourself and ask for what is going to give you pleasure. Dominatrix and Submissive are apart of the BDSM scene. One doe not become a servant over night and a Dom does not become a Dom overnight. There are schools such as The BDSM Training Academy that can teach you how to excel and become an excellent player, there are also retreats and meet ups where you can learn techniques and skills needed to play safe, provide orgasm and have fun with the experience.

I savagely stand by my heart and mind that fetishes that include harming kids, animals, blood etc. are not forms of play but acts of traumatic distress. You are not on the same level if you enjoy the smell of an orange or to caress a breast while releasing. If you want to be spanked until your cherry red, this is your prerogative but there is a difference between abuse, kink, and fetish. You need to make sure you know where that line is and that you never cross it. Create a safe word or action (in case your mouth is tied) that your partner will understand to mean stop. Some Sexual Behavior experts do agree that fetishes can come from seeing inappropriate sexual behavior in early childhood or from abuse. These fetishes develop in the early life and grow as an individual progresses through life.

Most kinks and fetishes are not a disorder by definition. It all depends on the level of intense lasting distress. You need to adopt the belief that if pleasure is the end goal, it is OK. If you are forcing them to take part in any activity, this is not and will never be OK. You or someone you know should seek professional help if the behavior becomes compulsive, desperate and/or distressed to the level of becoming suicidal.

Of course, some fetishes are harmless. “Adult baby diaper lovers” is a practice by 1,800 men and 140 women according to a recent study. Most of the subjects reported they were “comfortable” with their fetish and saw no problem in practice it. This can be said for individuals who enjoy bondage, discipline or BDSM. If everyone agrees, the chances are no one is getting hurt in a way that is extreme or permanent and everyone.
Know that people can fetishize almost anything. Studies show that body parts such as feet, body features such as obesity, piercings, tattoos and splooshing are some of the top activities. When the fixation is on one body part, this is known as partialism. This involves one body part that is isolated and sexually charged or objectified. Body fluid, body size and hair fetishes are some of the other things that people fetishize. Sometimes clothes worn on the hips and legs such as stockings and skirts are at the top of the list for some. Some like to dress in furry animal costumes or have their partners do it.

A Beginner’s Guide To Kinky Sex: What Kink Really Is?

Photo by Xyz Shoot on Unsplash

Kink is a concept involving unusual sexual activities or fantasies. The name comes from
someone going for a bend or kink in one’s sexual actions instead of going straight or plain.
Kinky sex is exciting and can be a thrill, but it works best when you understand what you want to do when getting things going in the bedroom. You can enjoy kinky sex when you look well at how you’re going to plan your work. You’ll find many things that will thrill you and whoever else is in your bedroom.

Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

What Types of Kink Can You Enjoy?

There are many types of kink you can experience for your next sexual encounter. These include such things as these:

  • BDSM – BDSM is about bondage, discipline, submission, and masochism. People who
    engage in BDSM are turned on by dominance and pain in sexual situations. 
  • Fetishes – A fetish entails someone being sexually aroused by something that isn’t
    sexual. The foot is a common body part in some fetishes.
  • Voyeurism – A voyeur is someone who enjoys watching someone undress. A voyeur
    could also be someone who enjoys watching other people having sex without them
    knowing.
  • Group Sex – Group sex can entail threesomes or four-ways or anything else. Anything
    that entails sex between more than two people counts as group sex.
  • Role Playing – Role play your sexual fantasies with your partner.

These points show that kink is all about having fun with sex. Kink entails more than becoming physically close. It is about bringing in something a little more unique than you might expect
out of life.

  • What Makes Kinky Sex So Appealing?

Kinky sex is all about having fun and enjoying the experience. But you’ll find many other
positives with kinky sex:

  • Kink is about opening one’s mind and trying new things of value.
  • People who like kink feel less neurotic or worried about their performances.
  • People will also feel less sensitive to other peoples’ words when engaging in kink. They
    will feel better about their overall experiences when having sex.
  • A couple can learn more about one another through kink. The exploration and
    fascination associated with kink make it a worthwhile experience.
  • Kink spices things up in the bedroom. Traditional sexual activities can become stale after
    a while, but kink can make it a little more unique.

What Should You Do For Kink?

Kinky sex can be a work of art if you know what you’re doing here. Here are a few tips you can
use when planning your kinky sex escapades:

  • Be sure you plan whatever kinky sex you want to have with your partner or whoever
    else will participate. Everyone should be on the same page.
  • Plan the right safe words, especially if you’re engaging in BDSM. Safe words let people
    know if things are going well or if you want to stop doing something.
  • Look at the environment you’re planning for your kinky sex.
  • Some sexplorers like to use toys and furniture to enhance their sexual experience. This
    can range from the usage of a ball gag to a piece of sex furniture like a bdsm sex bench.
  • Relax for a bit after you finish having sex. Don’t go to bed right after having sex. Ensure
    you and your partner feel better and that you can calm down after all that rough action.

Kinky sex will be enjoyable if you’re looking for something unique in the bedroom. See what fits
your interests when you plan your next kinky sex endeavor. You might be surprised at what you
will explore when you have a bit of extra fun with your work.

The Differences Between BDSM & Abuse

Finding My Dream Dom

I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last person to write about the differences between BDSM and abuse.

Years ago, I had actively sought out single Doms for relationships. I had a few good experiences that didn’t pan out for personal or compatibility reasons. I immediately weeded out a ton of dickheads and clueless wannabes before there was ever a hope of exchanging phone calls or meeting in person. I also chatted or met with about a half-dozen men who scared me so badly that I ended and blocked contact with them every way I knew how. They just wanted to verbally and/or physically abuse women.

I don’t mean to sound melodramatic about some of the horrible men I came across in my life. If I had the information and contacts that I have now about what is truly, safe, sane and consensual (SSC), I would have never let things get as far as they went. There’s a lot more good credible information available about BDSM now than when I was looking for the Dom of my dreams years ago, but I still see bad information floating around.

Some Subs Don’t Even Know They Are Being Abused

Ironically, some of the worst offenders are usually in some sub-to-sub online discussion forums where the most influential posters have no idea or refuse to believe that they’re being abused. They talk about large, deep patches of bruises and welts like badges of honor. They insist that they’ll do anything their Doms tell them to without question in order to make them happy. And I don’t think I have to explain how lots of people pick up “everything they know” about BDSM from the media, erotica and porn.

It’s easy for people to pick up mixed messages. On the surface, BDSM can look like abuse. Restraints and pain implements like whips, floggers and canes may be used to inflict pain but as long as it induces or incorporated with pleasurable sensual experience.

Terms like “humiliation” and “degradation” may be used, but only to push psychological limits in a controlled way with mutual sexual satisfaction. Words like “whore”, “bitch” and “slut” may be used to evoke a partner’s deeply buried and uncensored sexual side. But if you don’t feel like you’re getting a sexual thrill or feel good or liberated about taking part in activities like that, evaluate how you feel and what’s going on in your BDSM relationship in these following ways.

BDSM is based on consent. It’s not consent if…

  • You did not expressly give consent.
  • You were afraid to say “No”.
  • You say, “Yes,” to avoid conflict or to avoid consequences like losing a job or being outed.
  • You cannot withdraw consent and stop what’s happening at any time.
  • You cannot express limits and needs without being ridiculed, criticized or being coerced into relinquishing limits.

Tell-tales Signs of an Abuser Vs a Dom/me

A Dominant (a male Dom or female Domme) will take a submissive’s concerns seriously during or after a scene, even days or weeks after; an abuser will not.

A Dominant will take responsibility for any physical, emotional or mental trauma that arises during the course of play. An abuser will say abuse didn’t happen or will shift the responsibility for how a sub feels back to him or her.

A Dominant encourages a submissive to have contacts within in the BDSM community or anyone else in a submissive’s life. An abuser will limit or forbid a submissive to have contacts with others in or even out of the BDSM community.

A Dominant encourages a submissive to learn about BDSM. An abuser may forbid a submissive to learn about BDSM or even refuse to learn about BDSM him or herself.

A Dominant respects limits and pays immediate heed to safewords. An abuser may convince you not to use safewords, admonishes you for using safewords, or ignores safewords.

A Dominant may take control your behavior during the course of scene. An abuser may take control of your behavior at all times.

BDSM is enjoyed by all partners: fun, erotic, loving, and done with an understanding of trust. An abuser has no regard for enjoyment of his or her partner and feels entitled to obedience.

A Dominant learns what they do before they put it into action and will even talk about their learning and training. A Dominant will also show a submissive their favorite implements and talk about what they know about safety and how to handle emergencies before any kind of play ensues. An abuser gets dismissive, defensive or even angry when questioned about their BDSM knowledge, education, training or awareness of risks.

Dominants check on their submissives to make sure they’re okay during the course of a scene and even just after or even days afterward. Abusers have no concern for a submissive’s safety, comfort or enjoyment.

A Dominant intends to have a mutually enjoyable encounter; an abuser does not.

During bondage scenes, Dominants use safety clips and know how to release a submissive quickly. An abuser restrains victims with fear and intimidation.

BDSM is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting partners. An abuser will breach a submissive’s trust because he believes he’s entitled.

BDSM is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people. Abuse is about the lack of respect or even straight-out contempt that one person demonstrates toward a submissive.

BDSM is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure. Abuse is out-of-control physical violence or emotional degradation that leaves a submissive feeling physically or emotionally wounded with no reward.

Negotiation occurs before a BDSM scene to determine what can and will not happen during the course of a scene. An abuser determines what will happen without input or consent from a submissive.

Each person involved in a BDSM scene is concerned about the needs and desires of others. An abuser doesn’t consider the needs of a submissive and may even insist that a submissive should like and enjoy everything inflicted upon them.

What to do if You Feel You are Being Abused

If any of these situations sound like what you’re dealing with, it’s time to reevaluate, renegotiate or walk away from the relationship. If you still have questions or doubt or need help getting out of an abusive relationship of any kind (the risk of abusive relationships is not limited to BDSM), call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Or go here: https://www.thehotline.org/

You can also find more information here at the Submissive Guide: BDSM Vs Abuse.

Keep in mind that there are lots of great Dominant men and women out there. Some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. They’ll be the first to tell you that respect and trust are earned; it’s a two-way street. They practice what they say with others in the BDSM community, their neighbors, their co-workers, the waitress who works at the corner diner, and, of course, their subs … just in a different way.

How To Spice Up Your Sex Life When You Don’t Know Where To Start

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

You’re bored with your sex life. So you Google “how to spice up your sex life” and you see a torrent of “Top Ten” articles with a laundry list of things you could try. They’re informative enough but the broad array of choices leaves you with analysis paralysis.

Then you go to an online or offline bookstore hoping to find something useful only to be met with a landslide of how-to books on very specific sex practices that either offer a tribal identity you don’t want (“be a dom top!”)  or they scare the hell out of you.

The internet articles are too broad and unfocused while the books are too narrow and tribal. The articles assume you’re open to everything; the books assume you’re committed to something.

But what if you’re not open to everything?   What if you haven’t committed yourself to something?  What if you haven’t identified yourself as an adherent to a particular sexual practice?

How do you discover organic and authentic ways of expanding your sexual horizon?

Should you try rough sex? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? Leather? Rubber? Role play? Act out fantasies? Cultivate a fetish? Get tied up? Do the tying?

The options are confusing because they answer questions you haven’t thought through. Let me explain. I once asked an interior designer friend what color she thought I should paint my bedroom.  She didn’t pull out a color chart and lay out a buffet of options.

She didn’t recommend any particular colors, either.  Even when I presented her with colors I was considering she brushed them aside.

“You’re in such a rush to come up with the answer you’re going to end up with a bedroom you hate,” she said. “You’re starting with answers when you should be starting with questions.”

“Such as?” I asked.

“What do you want to feel when you enter the room? What is important to you in a bedroom? What experiences do you want to have? Who are you and how does the choice of color express it?”

She was right.  It was only after I answered those questions that I was able to identify the best option.

In your desire to paint your sex life another color you shouldn’t be asking questions like, “what hue should I use?” You should be asking yourself the same question my interior designer friend asked me: What do you want the color to do?

Properly broadening the palette in your bedroom–or what you do in it– must come from understanding what motivates you, what excites you, and what aspects of desire you might have hidden from yourself but, if allowed to surface, could help you experience whatever is lacking right now.

You may be aware of your boredom, your restlessness or even a mismatch between your identities and your actions in bed. But just because you’re dissatisfied does not necessarily mean that you know how to address it. That’s why those articles and books are so dissatisfying. They’re answers in search of a question.

Here’s the central question upon which your journey rests:

“What do I want out of sex other than 

physical pleasure and emotional intimacy?”

If your answer is nothing then you don’t really need to go on a quest to “spice up” your sex life. If all you want is more physical enjoyment out of sex you can do it by improving the skills and techniques of activities you already enjoy (and more pointedly, getting your partner to do the same).

If you are seeking greater emotional intimacy you also don’t need to seek kinkier alternatives as you can achieve your goal by you or your partner changing the style of your lovemaking.  And of course, improving actions outside of the bedroom. For example, being kinder to your partner or doing your share of the housework will do more for your sex life than improving techniques or finding a new “spice”.

Don’t get me wrong, greater pleasure and intimacy are crucial to a satisfying sex life but they’re baseline experiences.  They’re what you expect from sex.

Sex Can Provide More Than Pleasure Or Intimacy

Most sexual dissatisfaction orbits around the person you’re having it with. Or to be more precise, the person you are being with the person you’re having it with. Let me explain.

Have you noticed that the person you are being when you’re having sex is always you? And the person you’re having sex with is always that person? But what if you–or they– weren’t? What if, when you’re having sex, you are not being you at all? And your partner isn’t being who they are either?

You would have a completely different experience of sex.

And this gets at the crux of most alternative sexual options. By temporarily embracing a new identity you can experience what is currently unimaginable to you.

Why Identities And Roles Are So Sexually Powerful

By identifying yourself differently you behave differently. As a confident take-charge person you do different things in bed than a passive submissive person would. A cop behaves differently than the guy he’s arresting. A patient assumes a different position than the doctor who’s examining her.

If you’re a hammer then everything looks like a nail. But what if, for a few hours, you’re not a hammer? What if you weren’t even a nail? I don’t want to tell you what to be, I just want to point out that the key to finding the spice that’s right for you is to understand which identities arouse your curiosity.

The Two Fundamental Identities You Can Experience

Just about every “spicy” sexual practice that you can think of– from exhibitionism to voyeurism to bondage to rough sex  to role playing–  hinges  on your relationship to power. It is this relationship that has driven a good deal of the sexual desire you have had, are having, will have or want to have.

The two fundamental drivers of this relationship to power are, of course, domination and submission. If you can get clarity around what aspects of each you want to experience you will be well on your way to choosing the right “spice.”

You’ve been playing with power all this time, you just never labeled it that way.   If you like to be pinned under your partner, you’ve experienced the thrill of submitting to power.  If you like holding them down you’ve experienced the thrill of wielding it.  It’s not possible to have sex without some kind of power exchange.  At one moment or another you are wielding or yielding.

If you’re the bottom in missionary you are surrendering yourself.  If you’re on top guiding the speed and depth of your partner’s thrusts, you’re controlling them.  If you dig your nails into his back you’ve inflicted pain.  If he does it, you’ve had pain inflicted on you.  If you’ve liked a massage that almost hurts you’ve experienced a pleasurable aspect of pain.  If you’ve given one you’ve experienced the satisfaction of administering it.

Just because you’re not conscious of how you relate to and enjoy power doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing it. Your job, should you decide to accept it, is to be consciously aware of how you relate to power and move intentionally toward some aspects of it you haven’t yet experienced.

The best way to understand your relationship to power is to take your erotic temperature with a diagnostic quiz. The best ones won’t label you; they’ll simply help you start a conversation with yourself.  You can try mine, this one, this one or that one.

As you take these quizzes, don’t worry about contradictory desires–they’re normal. You can prefer to be submissive during a kiss and dominant during intercourse.  And don’t try to slot yourself into a category either. Look for opportunities, not labels.

Remember my interior designer friend, the one who asked, What do you want the color to do?

When I took the time to look inward and answer the question, the color choice became obvious to me.

These diagnostic quizzes are a great way of getting at a modified version of her question: What do you want the spice to do?

When you take the time to look inward and answer the question, your spice choices will become obvious to you.

—–

Sex Advice author Michael Alvear co-hosted HBO’s The Sex Inspectors. His newest book is the 2nd edition of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star. 

What is a Bondage Gag? Why Use a Bondage Gag?

image credit to prettysleepy1

What is a Bondage Gag?

A type of kink gear used in kink scenarios or BDSM play, a bondage gag slips into the mouth to muffle speech and make it difficult to communicate. Once in the mouth, most bondage gags include one (or more) straps that fasten the gag to the mouth. This can make it difficult for the wearer to remove – especially if it is locked onto the face.

Gags are available in a wide variety of shapes and sizes for different functionalities. Gags can be as simple as a rubber ball (which is a common shape for beginners!) or duct tape. They can also be more complicated like muzzles or full-face harnesses. A bondage gag may also reflect a niche kink interest like an ash tray, a medical Jennings gag, or a pacifier.

In general, the bottom/submissive partner will be the person wearing a gag. However, that isn’t always the case, and anyone within any power dynamic can use a gag if they so choose. It’s just another kinky tool in your available toolbox!

Why Use a Gag?

There are a wide variety of reasons that someone might want to use a bondage gag. Some of the most common reasons include:

  • Feelings of Submission: A lot of people find it extremely erotic to be forced into silence. It’s like bondage – but for the voice. This can really enhance the feelings of submission and vulnerability for the bondage gag wearer.
  • Erotic Mumblings: While the bondage gag wearer may find it erotic to have their speech taken from them, their partner may find it just as erotic to hear the noises that come from the wearer’s mouth. Instead of words, they’ll be muffled noises, and the sound of those noises can be – by themselves – pretty hot!
  • Induce Drooling: Want to watch your partner uncontrollably drool? Bondage gags can accomplish that. Since some types of bondage gags (like ball gags) force the mouth open and make it impossible to close the mouth to swallow, saliva ends up dripping out of the mouth.
  • Erotic Appearance: There’s a lot to be said just for the look of a bondage gag. Even outside of its word-mumbling benefits, it has a look to it that’s pretty hard to replicate outside of a gag.

How to Use a Bondage Gag

Just place the bondage gag into the mouth, fasten it around the head, and you’re good to go! Bondage gags are extremely simple to use.

Most importantly, ensure you never use a bondage gag with someone who may have issues breathing. This may be due to a chronic condition – or something as transient as a cold or allergies. Since bondage gags add extra stress to breathing, they should never be used on anyone who is already experiencing issues breathing.

Looking for more tips? Check out everything you need to know about BDSM gags.

Best Beginner Gags

If you’re still in the beginner stages of your kink experiences where you’re looking for BDSM advice, you might be wondering what the “best” beginner gag is.

And, of course, I’m biased, but I think the best beginner gag is a bit gag.

What is a bit gag? Well, a bit gag looks pretty reminiscent of the gags that are used for horse bridles. It looks a bit like a long, bite-able stick (usually made from leather or silicone) that’s held in the mouth by a head strap.

It looks like this:

(Image compliments of Kinky World)

Unlike ball gags or other, larger objects, bit gags are much easier to fit into the mouth. They don’t require the mouth to open as wide, and they are much more friendly to those with jaw concerns.

In addition, since bit gags don’t fill up as much of the mouth, they also can make it easier to swallow and breathe. Depending on how large your bit gag is, the lips may be able to close around the exterior side of the gag – which can make it easier to swallow. This can help with breathing and prevent drooling – which may or may not be something you desire when wearing a bondage gag.

At the same time, bit gags still help muffle sounds and make it difficult to talk – so you get all of the benefits of using a bondage gag without most of the downsides of using the traditional ball gag.

What are Specialty Gags?

Of course, as long as people have been getting kinky, they’ve been getting creative with that kinky. That creativity is exactly where specialty bondage gags were born.

Specialty bondage gags go above and beyond your standard bondage gag styles. Instead, they have very dedicated, specialized uses. If you’re into those uses, these are going to be the most prized toys of your entire collection. But, as their name implies, be aware that these bondage gags are specialized – and may not be toys that you pull out frequently when you simply want to gag someone.

Not sure quite what I’m talking about? Take a look at the Scott Paul Designs Humiliator Gag System:

Image from Scott Paul Designs

You can see that this gag isn’t just for gagging the mouth. Instead, it turns the mouth into a functional tool for various accessories. The mouth gag can be used as a toilet brush to clean the toilet, to hold toilet paper, or to hang a towel. It isn’t just a general bondage gag, but instead, it’s a special bondage gag that offers specific uses.

So, if you want to accomplish some objectification in the bathroom, this specialty gag set is golden. If you’re simply wanting to quiet your partner during sex, however, this is probably going to look a bit silly.

BDSM: What is Dominance, Submission & Power Exchange

Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

This is the first in a series of stories about what BDSM is and is not. I feel strongly about pointing out the facts because of all of the misconceptions and assumptions about BDSM there are in the general public. Some vilify it. Some think it’s a license for misogyny and to disrespect and abuse women. Some just have the wrong ideas of what it’s all about. The sad thing is that people have and pass along these beliefs without having any idea of what BDSM is all about. Even more frightening are the people who get into BDSM and do not fully understand what they’re getting into. I’d like to clarify things and hope that you’ll share this information with those who need it.

What is BDSM?

The basis of BDSM play is dominance and submission. A male Dom or female Domme (Dominatrix) takes the lead in directing BDSM play over (a) submissive partner(s). The “taking the lead” dynamic is known as power exchange.

What is Power Exchange?

Power exchange is based on a carefully negotiated agreement between a Dominant and a submissive. Each makes a joint consensual agreement over sexual acts that may and will not be carried out in their BDSM play. Just because a Dominant has control over BDSM play does not mean that they can overturn the “will nots” or hard limits set forth by a submissive. The Dominant has a responsibility of playing within the bounds of their agreement with the sub. While a Dominant may want to push a submissive’s limits, a submissive has freedom to control play with safe words. Safe words are generally green (go on, this feels good), yellow (slow down, take it easy) and red (stop, immediately).

When I say consensual, consent is the No. 1 rule. No exceptions. Ever. Safe words are always honored.

“Exchange” is the key word in power exchange. It’s not just about a Dominant directing acts solely for his or her enjoyment. Domination is not about entitlement to sexual acts and pleasure without reciprocation to a submissive. Being a submissive does not mean that he or she gives up the right to receive pleasure. Some of the role playing that takes place in BDSM play – like chastity play and orgasm denial – is not the literal meaning of denial. It just means that pleasure is delayed but is granted at some point, and is usually more intense than in most other situations.

Dominance & Submission

Being a submissive is not about lying back and making himself or herself the sole recipient of pleasure. There is just as much “work” involved for a submissive as there is for a Dominant. BDSM play is all about pleasure for both Dominant and submissive.

Being a Dominant comes with a lot of responsibility. A Dominant has the responsibility of knowing how to safely use the toys and implements he or she uses in BDSM play. A Dominant has the responsibility of monitoring of a submissive’s mental and physical well-being during and after sexual play.

Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat or being a lesser being to a Dominant. Being a submissive is purely about giving up control in BDSM play. Submissiveness should feel challenging, liberating and fulfilling. Being challenged should feel like a thrill or a dare, not anything that feels bad or demeaning.

Relinquishing control to a Dominant is built upon trust and respect of a submissive. Trust is built over time and respect is earned both ways. The act of submission is a gift to Dominant and should be respected and cherished. In social BDSM communities and gatherings, Dominants and submissives are some of the most respectful people you’ll ever meet. They take respect seriously.

Most importantly, Domination is not about inflicting physical pain for pain’s sake. There is a close correlation between pain and pleasure in BDSM sex. Learning and knowing that correlation between the two takes a lot of education in how it works and how to apply it. Domination is also not about inflicting emotional pain. Negative words that may be used during BDSM play are not to be taken literally or to heart, especially after a session ends. Negative words are simply part of the role playing that takes place during a BDSM session.

Think of Dominance and submission as being the positive and negative ends of a battery or a magnet. Positive does not mean good or better. Negative does not mean lesser or bad. Without polarity, there is no charge, and Domination and submission is all about creating a powerful sexual charge.

Previously Published at: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/what-bdsm-is-isnt-dominance-submission-power-exchange/