KINK or FETISH

By

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March 2, 2022

BDSM sex toys for domination and submission. Whip with handcuffs and bandage for on red silk background

You may have asked yourself this a time or two. What is the difference between a Kink and a Fetish? At its face a fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire of which an item, part of the body, item of clothing, etc. is involved in the play somehow to give increased pleasure that may or may not cause a release. If the object is not used however, the person is likely to release anyway. A Fetish on the other hand is when that object, item of clothing or body part is a necessity to have orgasm. Meaning if they don’t see, feel, hear, touch, or smell the object, they will not be able to release.

Currently the words fetish and kink are used one and the same. Any act that falls outside the “mainstream” norms. A great example is bondage. While the term may overlap, they are drastically different. A fetish is more of a psychological need while kink is more of a preference. The important thing to remember is, all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes. It is very individualized and are more widely accepted. Before playing you need to have the consent and safety conversation with your mate{s} about what it is that you are and are not willing to do or experience. This is imperative to keep the scene from turning traumatic.

It might include BDSM, roleplaying or impact play such as spanking and whipping. You might enjoy flogging or nipple claps. All you must do is speak up for yourself and ask for what is going to give you pleasure. Dominatrix and Submissive are apart of the BDSM scene. One doe not become a servant over night and a Dom does not become a Dom overnight. There are schools such as The BDSM Training Academy that can teach you how to excel and become an excellent player, there are also retreats and meet ups where you can learn techniques and skills needed to play safe, provide orgasm and have fun with the experience.

I savagely stand by my heart and mind that fetishes that include harming kids, animals, blood etc. are not forms of play but acts of traumatic distress. You are not on the same level if you enjoy the smell of an orange or to caress a breast while releasing. If you want to be spanked until your cherry red, this is your prerogative but there is a difference between abuse, kink, and fetish. You need to make sure you know where that line is and that you never cross it. Create a safe word or action (in case your mouth is tied) that your partner will understand to mean stop. Some Sexual Behavior experts do agree that fetishes can come from seeing inappropriate sexual behavior in early childhood or from abuse. These fetishes develop in the early life and grow as an individual progresses through life.

Most kinks and fetishes are not a disorder by definition. It all depends on the level of intense lasting distress. You need to adopt the belief that if pleasure is the end goal, it is OK. If you are forcing them to take part in any activity, this is not and will never be OK. You or someone you know should seek professional help if the behavior becomes compulsive, desperate and/or distressed to the level of becoming suicidal.

Of course, some fetishes are harmless. “Adult baby diaper lovers” is a practice by 1,800 men and 140 women according to a recent study. Most of the subjects reported they were “comfortable” with their fetish and saw no problem in practice it. This can be said for individuals who enjoy bondage, discipline or BDSM. If everyone agrees, the chances are no one is getting hurt in a way that is extreme or permanent and everyone.
Know that people can fetishize almost anything. Studies show that body parts such as feet, body features such as obesity, piercings, tattoos and splooshing are some of the top activities. When the fixation is on one body part, this is known as partialism. This involves one body part that is isolated and sexually charged or objectified. Body fluid, body size and hair fetishes are some of the other things that people fetishize. Sometimes clothes worn on the hips and legs such as stockings and skirts are at the top of the list for some. Some like to dress in furry animal costumes or have their partners do it.

How To Spice Up Your Sex Life When You Don’t Know Where To Start

By

Mike Alvear

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January 13, 2021

pexels-karolina-grabowska-4033324 — Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

You’re bored with your sex life. So you Google “how to spice up your sex life” and you see a torrent of “Top Ten” articles with a laundry list of things you could try. They’re informative enough but the broad array of choices leaves you with analysis paralysis.

Then you go to an online or offline bookstore hoping to find something useful only to be met with a landslide of how-to books on very specific sex practices that either offer a tribal identity you don’t want (“be a dom top!”) or they scare the hell out of you.

The internet articles are too broad and unfocused while the books are too narrow and tribal. The articles assume you’re open to everything; the books assume you’re committed to something.

But what if you’re not open to everything? What if you haven’t committed yourself to something? What if you haven’t identified yourself as an adherent to a particular sexual practice?

How do you discover organic and authentic ways of expanding your sexual horizon?

Should you try rough sex? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? Leather? Rubber? Role play? Act out fantasies? Cultivate a fetish? Get tied up? Do the tying?

The options are confusing because they answer questions you haven’t thought through. Let me explain. I once asked an interior designer friend what color she thought I should paint my bedroom. She didn’t pull out a color chart and lay out a buffet of options.

She didn’t recommend any particular colors, either. Even when I presented her with colors I was considering she brushed them aside.

“You’re in such a rush to come up with the answer you’re going to end up with a bedroom you hate,” she said. “You’re starting with answers when you should be starting with questions.”

“Such as?” I asked.

“What do you want to feel when you enter the room? What is important to you in a bedroom? What experiences do you want to have? Who are you and how does the choice of color express it?”

She was right. It was only after I answered those questions that I was able to identify the best option.

In your desire to paint your sex life another color you shouldn’t be asking questions like, “what hue should I use?” You should be asking yourself the same question my interior designer friend asked me: What do you want the color to do?

Properly broadening the palette in your bedroom–or what you do in it– must come from understanding what motivates you, what excites you, and what aspects of desire you might have hidden from yourself but, if allowed to surface, could help you experience whatever is lacking right now.

You may be aware of your boredom, your restlessness or even a mismatch between your identities and your actions in bed. But just because you’re dissatisfied does not necessarily mean that you know how to address it. That’s why those articles and books are so dissatisfying. They’re answers in search of a question.

Here’s the central question upon which your journey rests:

“What do I want out of sex other than

physical pleasure and emotional intimacy?”

If your answer is nothing then you don’t really need to go on a quest to “spice up” your sex life. If all you want is more physical enjoyment out of sex you can do it by improving the skills and techniques of activities you already enjoy (and more pointedly, getting your partner to do the same).

If you are seeking greater emotional intimacy you also don’t need to seek kinkier alternatives as you can achieve your goal by you or your partner changing the style of your lovemaking. And of course, improving actions outside of the bedroom. For example, being kinder to your partner or doing your share of the housework will do more for your sex life than improving techniques or finding a new “spice”.

Don’t get me wrong, greater pleasure and intimacy are crucial to a satisfying sex life but they’re baseline experiences. They’re what you expect from sex.

Sex Can Provide More Than Pleasure Or Intimacy

Most sexual dissatisfaction orbits around the person you’re having it with. Or to be more precise, the person you are being with the person you’re having it with. Let me explain.

Have you noticed that the person you are being when you’re having sex is always you? And the person you’re having sex with is always that person? But what if you–or they– weren’t? What if, when you’re having sex, you are not being you at all? And your partner isn’t being who they are either?

You would have a completely different experience of sex.

And this gets at the crux of most alternative sexual options. By temporarily embracing a new identity you can experience what is currently unimaginable to you.

Why Identities And Roles Are So Sexually Powerful

By identifying yourself differently you behave differently. As a confident take-charge person you do different things in bed than a passive submissive person would. A cop behaves differently than the guy he’s arresting. A patient assumes a different position than the doctor who’s examining her.

If you’re a hammer then everything looks like a nail. But what if, for a few hours, you’re not a hammer? What if you weren’t even a nail? I don’t want to tell you what to be, I just want to point out that the key to finding the spice that’s right for you is to understand which identities arouse your curiosity.

The Two Fundamental Identities You Can Experience

Just about every “spicy” sexual practice that you can think of– from exhibitionism to voyeurism to bondage to rough sex to role playing– hinges on your relationship to power. It is this relationship that has driven a good deal of the sexual desire you have had, are having, will have or want to have.

The two fundamental drivers of this relationship to power are, of course, domination and submission. If you can get clarity around what aspects of each you want to experience you will be well on your way to choosing the right “spice.”

You’ve been playing with power all this time, you just never labeled it that way. If you like to be pinned under your partner, you’ve experienced the thrill of submitting to power. If you like holding them down you’ve experienced the thrill of wielding it. It’s not possible to have sex without some kind of power exchange. At one moment or another you are wielding or yielding.

If you’re the bottom in missionary you are surrendering yourself. If you’re on top guiding the speed and depth of your partner’s thrusts, you’re controlling them. If you dig your nails into his back you’ve inflicted pain. If he does it, you’ve had pain inflicted on you. If you’ve liked a massage that almost hurts you’ve experienced a pleasurable aspect of pain. If you’ve given one you’ve experienced the satisfaction of administering it.

Just because you’re not conscious of how you relate to and enjoy power doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing it. Your job, should you decide to accept it, is to be consciously aware of how you relate to power and move intentionally toward some aspects of it you haven’t yet experienced.

The best way to understand your relationship to power is to take your erotic temperature with a diagnostic quiz. The best ones won’t label you; they’ll simply help you start a conversation with yourself. You can try mine, this one, this one or that one.

As you take these quizzes, don’t worry about contradictory desires–they’re normal. You can prefer to be submissive during a kiss and dominant during intercourse. And don’t try to slot yourself into a category either. Look for opportunities, not labels.

Remember my interior designer friend, the one who asked, What do you want the color to do?

When I took the time to look inward and answer the question, the color choice became obvious to me.

These diagnostic quizzes are a great way of getting at a modified version of her question: What do you want the spice to do?

When you take the time to look inward and answer the question, your spice choices will become obvious to you.

—–

Sex Advice author Michael Alvear co-hosted HBO’s The Sex Inspectors. His newest book is the 2nd edition of How To Bottom Like A Porn Star.

Top 5 Sex Toys For Couples Who Are New To BDSM

By

Tamara Bell

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June 16, 2022

BDSM, which stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, can be a great bonding experience, no pun intended. It requires each person to completely surrender themselves to their partner and give in to their own desires. It also promotes healthy communication within the relationship as each person will have to vocalize if they enjoy the sexual act.

If you and your partner are curious about the world of BDSM, you may want to try some of the sex toys on this list. They’re great for beginners and can provide pleasure for either partner. Remember to always establish a safe word before you start pleasuring each other and ask for consent before trying out anything on your partner.

erotic games and human sexuality concept. kinky sex toys for BDSM fantasy play (ball gag, cuffs, rope, flogger, collar and leash)

To safely navigate the world of BDSM, try the following toys:

1. Restraints
Restraints are designed to limit or stop mobility during BDSM play. Different types of bondage sex toys are available on the market, such as rope, bondage tape, binders, and handcuffs. You can tease your partner with restraints by keeping them in view, but taking your time before tying them up. The anticipation can really heighten the sexual attraction between partners and is great for those who completely want to submit to their dominants.

If you decide to choose rope as your restraint, learn how to make different knots. Different knots can have different effects on your partner when pulled and twisted.

2. Collars and Chokers
In a BDSM scenario, there’s always a dominant and a submissive. Establish the roles before starting your scenario and get comfortable with your respective roles. Collars and chokers are usually reserved for submissive partners and can signify that the scenario has started. Collars can also show commitment and can be seen as a promise ring.

The submissive lets the dominant know that they’re committed to their partner and the scenario. Collars and chokers are placed around the neck of the submissive and can also be used to restrict breathing during BDSM play.

They can come in various cool colors, materials, and styles. When the two of you go shopping for one, allow your submissive to choose the collar or choker they want to make the scenario more comfortable for them.

3. Blindfolds and Hoods
Blindfolds are a great way to tantalize the senses during a BDSM scenario. By eliminating one sense, you heighten the effects of the other senses, like touch, taste, or smell. This is also great for partners who are a little shy at first.

Hoods can be used similarly, and they also hide the face. These can be useful if you’re roleplaying with your partner and want to fully embrace your role for the session. Blindfolds and hoods also come in a variety of material options, like silk, cotton, or cashmere, so you’ll be able to find one that suits your preferences.

4. Nipple Clamps
Nipple clamps are great for those who find pleasure in pain. You’ll be able to achieve different results depending on how tight the clamps are on the nipples. This is where having a safe word comes in handy. If the pain gets too much to bear, say the safe word, and action should stop immediately.

You can also pull and twist the nipple clamps during BDSM play to create different degrees of pain and pleasure. Nipple clamps also come in various styles, so you’ll be able to pick the perfect one for your submissive.

5. Paddles
If you’d like some variety of intensities in the pain department, consider getting yourselves a pair of paddles. You can use them to spank your submissive during BDSM play or when training them to get more comfortable with the kink. They look like your traditional ping pong paddles that have been repurposed for the bedroom. They’re designed to cover a larger area as opposed to nipple clamps.

They’re also very compact and inconspicuous. If someone were to happen upon them, they’d think you just own a pair of really cute paddles. Like most sex toys, they come in a variety of designs and material choices.

Conclusion
BDSM play can be a very intense and freeing experience, and when navigated safely, it can be the glue that can keep you and your partner intact. With it, you’ll be able to learn how to communicate more openly and effectively, as well as learn more about yourself in terms of what brings you the most pleasure. There are many more sex toys available on the market today, and as you get more comfortable, you’ll learn that there’s actually no limit to pleasure and your fantasies.

The Art of Pup Play: A Glimpse into the Growing Kink in LGBTQ+ Communities

By

Valeriam Vincent

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January 20, 2024

In the vast landscape of evolving kinks, one gaining traction is pup play—a unique form of role play predominantly within LGBTQ+ communities. Similar to the friendly world of furries, where individuals wear furry animal costumes, pup play enthusiasts immerse themselves in a playful mindset inspired by puppy behavior.

Exploring Pup Play: Beyond Fursuits and Fantasy

Pup play is a form of role play that goes beyond the conventions of the BDSM community. Participants, known as “pups” or “handlers,” mentally, physically, and emotionally take on roles resembling playful puppies or responsible guides called “handlers.” Contrary to common misconceptions, pup play isn’t solely focused on sexual pleasure; it’s about embracing a different facet of one’s identity.

Pups and handlers wear distinctive pup play gear, featuring essential items like a pup mask, a collar, knee pads, and a leash. Handlers engage with their pups through playful interactions, involving pup toys, belly rubs, commands, and attention. In return, the pups express their enthusiasm by barking, playfully crawling on their knees and hands, and welcoming further affection from the handlers.

While pup play has been around for a while, it’s still gaining popularity, and those who immerse themselves in it create their unique “pup persona.” This creative exploration allows individuals to step out of their daily routines and embrace a more playful side.

Community and Connection

The pup play community is characterized by openness and friendliness. Individuals connect through community apps, Facebook, and regular events called “moshes,” often held in LGBTQ+ venues. The overarching theme among roleplaying kinks is the desire to escape the monotony of daily life, rekindling the playful spirit many experienced in childhood.

One of Ryan’s pups told us: “I was a very playful and positive kid, but as I grew older, adulthood brought responsibilities like paying bills, pretending to laugh at my bosses’ jokes, and being exposed to sad and depressing news from around the world. However, when I put on my pup gear, I can forget all that for a moment.”

A survey highlighted that pup play is predominantly popular among queer men. This could be attributed to societal expectations that cast men as more dominant figures, perpetuating the pressure to conform to notions of professionalism and maturity. These expectations might prompt individuals to seek relaxation and take a break, and engaging in role-playing can fulfill that need.

So, why is it so popular amongst LGBTQ+ communities, you might ask? Ryan told us that the reason could be that the LGBTQ+ community is known for giving its members the space and freedom and being open-minded. “With so many different kink groups in our community, we seem to be less judgy about how people behave or dress.”

The LGBTQ+ community, known for its inclusive and open-minded nature, provides a welcoming space for those seeking unconventional forms of expression. However, the appeal of pup play isn’t confined to any particular group. Ryan, the owner of PuppyPlayExpert.com, notes a rising interest from women and straight couples, including CEOs, lawyers, and doctors. For them, the puppy play mask becomes a transformative tool, allowing them to shed the stresses of their professional lives and embrace a carefree, playful existence, even if it’s only for a moment.

Pup Play: More Than a Kink, a Community

Although a significant portion of the community views their roleplaying as having a sexual aspect, Ryan underscores that it goes beyond “only” sexual activities. He emphasizes the significance of community and the pure enjoyment of having fun. Whether stepping into the “pup headspace” or releasing real-life worries, the essence of pup play is found in the shared experience. It serves as a testament to the diverse and accepting nature of LGBTQ+ communities, offering individuals a space to explore, connect, and discover freedom in the art of pup play.

If you’re intrigued by pup play, Ryan emphasizes that the community is exceptionally welcoming to beginners. On his website, he provides a guide on how to ease into the world of pup play. Yet, it’s understandable that some may cast curious or perplexed glances when encountering those engaged in pup play activities. Despite potential judgment, a valuable lesson from the pup play community extends beyond personal participation. Even if pup play isn’t your cup of tea, the community teaches us the importance of occasionally stepping back, reconnecting with the simple joy of “enjoying and having fun.” In the midst of our often stressful daily lives, it’s crucial to refocus on ourselves and our natural desire to let loose and enjoy life.

What is a Bondage Gag? Why Use a Bondage Gag?

By

Mistress Kay

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December 17, 2021

What is a Bondage Gag?

A type of kink gear used in kink scenarios or BDSM play, a bondage gag slips into the mouth to muffle speech and make it difficult to communicate. Once in the mouth, most bondage gags include one (or more) straps that fasten the gag to the mouth. This can make it difficult for the wearer to remove – especially if it is locked onto the face.

Gags are available in a wide variety of shapes and sizes for different functionalities. Gags can be as simple as a rubber ball (which is a common shape for beginners!) or duct tape. They can also be more complicated like muzzles or full-face harnesses. A bondage gag may also reflect a niche kink interest like an ash tray, a medical Jennings gag, or a pacifier.

In general, the bottom/submissive partner will be the person wearing a gag. However, that isn’t always the case, and anyone within any power dynamic can use a gag if they so choose. It’s just another kinky tool in your available toolbox!

Why Use a Gag?

There are a wide variety of reasons that someone might want to use a bondage gag. Some of the most common reasons include:

Feelings of Submission: A lot of people find it extremely erotic to be forced into silence. It’s like bondage – but for the voice. This can really enhance the feelings of submission and vulnerability for the bondage gag wearer.
Erotic Mumblings: While the bondage gag wearer may find it erotic to have their speech taken from them, their partner may find it just as erotic to hear the noises that come from the wearer’s mouth. Instead of words, they’ll be muffled noises, and the sound of those noises can be – by themselves – pretty hot!
Induce Drooling: Want to watch your partner uncontrollably drool? Bondage gags can accomplish that. Since some types of bondage gags (like ball gags) force the mouth open and make it impossible to close the mouth to swallow, saliva ends up dripping out of the mouth.
Erotic Appearance: There’s a lot to be said just for the look of a bondage gag. Even outside of its word-mumbling benefits, it has a look to it that’s pretty hard to replicate outside of a gag.

How to Use a Bondage Gag

Just place the bondage gag into the mouth, fasten it around the head, and you’re good to go! Bondage gags are extremely simple to use.

Most importantly, ensure you never use a bondage gag with someone who may have issues breathing. This may be due to a chronic condition – or something as transient as a cold or allergies. Since bondage gags add extra stress to breathing, they should never be used on anyone who is already experiencing issues breathing.

Looking for more tips? Check out everything you need to know about BDSM gags.

Best Beginner Gags

If you’re still in the beginner stages of your kink experiences where you’re looking for BDSM advice, you might be wondering what the “best” beginner gag is.

And, of course, I’m biased, but I think the best beginner gag is a bit gag.

What is a bit gag? Well, a bit gag looks pretty reminiscent of the gags that are used for horse bridles. It looks a bit like a long, bite-able stick (usually made from leather or silicone) that’s held in the mouth by a head strap.

It looks like this:

Unlike ball gags or other, larger objects, bit gags are much easier to fit into the mouth. They don’t require the mouth to open as wide, and they are much more friendly to those with jaw concerns.

In addition, since bit gags don’t fill up as much of the mouth, they also can make it easier to swallow and breathe. Depending on how large your bit gag is, the lips may be able to close around the exterior side of the gag – which can make it easier to swallow. This can help with breathing and prevent drooling – which may or may not be something you desire when wearing a bondage gag.

At the same time, bit gags still help muffle sounds and make it difficult to talk – so you get all of the benefits of using a bondage gag without most of the downsides of using the traditional ball gag.

What are Specialty Gags?

Of course, as long as people have been getting kinky, they’ve been getting creative with that kinky. That creativity is exactly where specialty bondage gags were born.

Specialty bondage gags go above and beyond your standard bondage gag styles. Instead, they have very dedicated, specialized uses. If you’re into those uses, these are going to be the most prized toys of your entire collection. But, as their name implies, be aware that these bondage gags are specialized – and may not be toys that you pull out frequently when you simply want to gag someone.

Not sure quite what I’m talking about? Take a look at the Scott Paul Designs Humiliator Gag System:

You can see that this gag isn’t just for gagging the mouth. Instead, it turns the mouth into a functional tool for various accessories. The mouth gag can be used as a toilet brush to clean the toilet, to hold toilet paper, or to hang a towel. It isn’t just a general bondage gag, but instead, it’s a special bondage gag that offers specific uses.

So, if you want to accomplish some objectification in the bathroom, this specialty gag set is golden. If you’re simply wanting to quiet your partner during sex, however, this is probably going to look a bit silly.

Spanking: A Hands-on Tutorial

By

Bobby Morgan

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March 26, 2021

(Note: This post is written from a straight submissive woman’s perspective. I also prefer to use pronouns consistently in my writing. I in no way infer or suggest that there’s anything wrong with submissive men or bi, lesbian, gay, trans or omni sex; I honestly can’t speak from those experiences. My only intention is to provide safe, sane and responsible sex-positive information.)

Unless you’re a die-hard masochist or pain slut, the sexual intent of spanking isn’t just about pain. A little sting on the behind or the back of the legs is like taking in a good sweet and sour soup at a Chinese restaurant – it’s an unexpected intense sensation. When it’s done right, a spankee’s mind will blur between pleasure and pain.

Before You Begin

Before you lay a hand on your partner, talk about spanking. Talk about your spankee’s experience (or non-experience) with spanking. Ask about her about her likes and dislikes and what her pain thresholds are. If you’ve never spanked during sexual play, let your partner know and take things slow. Use and honor “Slow down,” “No,” “Stop” and safe words. (Sometimes safe words, or words other than “No” and “Stop” don’t come easy when a spankee’s sexually charged, orgasmic or in extreme pain.)

Warm Up

The last thing you want to do is start off by wailing on your sub or partner’s ass, especially with no preparation or notice. Think of that approach as the equivalent of getting rammed in the ass with no lube. Gently stroking the tush and the back of the upper legs with your hand makes the spankee feel cared for and gets the blood flow going. Making your sub/partner feel relaxed and subdued is elemental in building trust for how things will ensue.

Start off Slow

Once your partner falls into a comfort zone, give a quick smack. At the beginning, use more soft touches than spanks. It’s even better when your soft touches and spanks are unpredictable. The unexpected is key to the yin-yang/pain-pleasure mind fuck. Gradually build up the intensity and frequency of your spanks.

A Hands-on Tutorial

There’s definitely a technique to taking a hand to the bum. Don’t make hard contact by striking through the tissue. That’s a sure way to bruise. Snap at the meatier parts of her ass or back of her legs and pull back quickly. Flick your wrist as if you’re cracking a whip.

Also, hold your hands in different ways. Cupping your hand with your fingers together gives the effect of a spanking but also has a bit of a caress to it. Using a flat palm with your fingers apart will have more of an impact. Giving quick whacks with a flat palm with your fingers together will definitely leave a sting, a red mark, and definitely a louder smack.

Don’t think of spanking as just smacking. After all, this isn’t the kind of spanking you got as a kid. Swat your fingers up or back and forth like a whisking a broom. Use one or both sides of your hands and fingers.

Don’t spank the same spot over and over. Alternate between cheeks and try the hips, sides of her butt, or the bottom back of her legs. A little and more gentle swat to the pussy can leave a delightful jolt, too.

Mix Things Up

Spanking isn’t just all about the ass, although anal play while you’re spanking is fun if your partner’s into that. Alternate between spanking and pussy play either with your fingers, dildo or vibrator. Reach around and grab or caress some boobage. Tweak or pinch a nipple while you’re giving her ass the soft touch treatment.

Getting Heavy Handed

When your spankee’s breathing starts getting heavier or if she’s getting pre-orgasmic, this is the time to step things up in intensity. Let her sounds and movements guide you. If an “Ouch!” is immediately followed by an “Oooh, yeah,” you’re doing things right.

Never be afraid to ask how your partner is feeling. Sometimes spankees won’t say they’re hurting because they think there’s some kind of expectation to endure pain in order to earn pleasure. If your partner is into that kind of game, at least tease her by giving her teasing touches near her pussy – the insides of her thighs, the crook between her leg and her groin. Gliding your finger tip along the top of her ass crack to the small of her back will send tingles and shivers throughout her body and down to her very core. Daring her to come while she’s getting spanked can be a hot dynamic.

Some good, hard spanks while you’re in the middle of hardcore fucking can definitely be in order. A swift whack will usually make her vaginal walls clamp around your cock and give her an orgasmic jolt. Again, monitor her response. If she’s really hurting (and chances she won’t be if you’re doing it right), it’s going to kill her mood and you’ll both lose out.

By all means, I don’t mean to suggest that you have to spank or be spanked from foreplay to orgasm. Just like any other sex play, do what feels good and fits the mood. Don’t be surprised if the person doing the spanking will decide when he’s had enough. His hand is getting a work-over, too, or he might want to put them elsewhere.

Afterglow and Aftercare

After all is done, bask in the tenderness of afterglow. Make your partner feel cared for, loved and pampered. Talk about what happened. Don’t be surprised if she wigs out a bit after coming down or even the next day. This is common. Some call it sub-drop or post-coital tristesse (read more about this in Ms. Q & A: Why do I Cry After Sex?). It can be brought on by the polar extreme sensations, a crisis of conscience, or a fear that she’s not truly valued or respected. Assure her that she is by both your words and actions, especially if words like slut, whore and cunt are used during play.

If you’re a conflicted spanker or don’t feel like it’s in your nature, tell her. Respecting limits goes both ways, and extreme and kinky sex doesn’t always mean better sex.

Be sure to follow up in the following days. Check for bruising, marks, and welts. Some gals like a little reminder of a stinging bottom or a warm red mark for a day or so, but if it lasts more than 24 hours or if it’s really painful to sit, take it as a signal to take things easier the next time. A little bruising might occur and she might be OK with her, but blotches of black and blue on her backside are not. Even if she didn’t say “Stop,” “Slow Down,” or use a safe word, it may have been hard for her to judge her pain level if she was also feeling a lot of pleasure. Some medications can exacerbate bruising, too.

More, Please, Sir

If hand-iwork isn’t enough, you’ll most likely want to look into some toys and implements to extend the long arm of the law of great sex, but I’ll get into those in another post. I promise.

http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/spanking-done-right/

What is it really like to live the 24-7 Dom/Sub Relationship

By

Coralyn Jewel

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June 16, 2021

When I sit here and write this blog to share with you, let it be known I am NOT an expert on this topic. I too, have researched it and in the various adult entities I am involved in I have been exposed numerous times to others who do choose to live this type of lifestyle 24/7. Now, this can not only be referred to as information on a Dom and Sub but also on a mistress or Fem Dom and submissive.

A relationship between two people where one is the higher authority figure, hierarchy, or power structure. Now, just as I have discussed in previous interviews and blogs, the number one most important thing is consent. You are choosing to be involved in this type of relationship and communication is the key ingredient.

When it comes to roleplay or playing out your sexual fantasies, you must know that if choosing to live this lifestyle 24 hours a day 7 days a week, you will not always be aroused. So, it reverts back to why you are choosing this lifestyle. Does this mean one of you is less superior than the other? Does this have anything to do with race, gender, age difference, race, or another variable? The answer in my research is absolutely not. It comes down to both involved choosing to voluntarily choose who is in which power position.

It is also important to keep in mind, no one is perfect and mistakes will occur. A safeword is still 100% on the table and limits must be set between both involved. Everything I always say and will continue to say, revolve around communication.

What about Kink groups? Communities, seminars, books, or anything having to do with learning more about the Dom Sub relationship, will they help? Again, I have found that we can always improve in any way of life by continuing our education. So, do not be afraid to reach out for guidance and assistance. Remember, you are both learning and although one may be more experienced there needs to be a level of patience and understanding to continue to build a healthy Dom sub relationship.

So, if this type of lifestyle intrigues you my suggestion as with any other alternative relationships we have discussed on my podcast is to take it slow, communicate, attend seminars, workshops, read blogs and listen to podcasts. You learn by listening. Learn together and work together and back to my words I live by, “Patience will Prosper”.

Coralyn Jewel