(Note: This post is written from a straight submissive woman’s perspective. I also prefer to use pronouns consistently in my writing. I in no way infer or suggest that there’s anything wrong with submissive men or bi, lesbian, gay, trans or omni sex; I honestly can’t speak from those experiences. My only intention is to provide safe, sane and responsible sex-positive information.)

Unless you’re a die-hard masochist or pain slut, the sexual intent of spanking isn’t just about pain. A little sting on the behind or the back of the legs is like taking in a good sweet and sour soup at a Chinese restaurant – it’s an unexpected intense sensation. When it’s done right, a spankee’s mind will blur between pleasure and pain.

Before You Begin

Before you lay a hand on your partner, talk about spanking. Talk about your spankee’s experience (or non-experience) with spanking. Ask about her about her likes and dislikes and what her pain thresholds are. If you’ve never spanked during sexual play, let your partner know and take things slow. Use and honor “Slow down,” “No,” “Stop” and safe words. (Sometimes safe words, or words other than “No” and “Stop” don’t come easy when a spankee’s sexually charged, orgasmic or in extreme pain.)

Warm Up

The last thing you want to do is start off by wailing on your sub or partner’s ass, especially with no preparation or notice. Think of that approach as the equivalent of getting rammed in the ass with no lube. Gently stroking the tush and the back of the upper legs with your hand makes the spankee feel cared for and gets the blood flow going. Making your sub/partner feel relaxed and subdued is elemental in building trust for how things will ensue.

Start off Slow

Once your partner falls into a comfort zone, give a quick smack. At the beginning, use more soft touches than spanks. It’s even better when your soft touches and spanks are unpredictable. The unexpected is key to the yin-yang/pain-pleasure mind fuck. Gradually build up the intensity and frequency of your spanks.

A Hands-on Tutorial

There’s definitely a technique to taking a hand to the bum. Don’t make hard contact by striking through the tissue. That’s a sure way to bruise. Snap at the meatier parts of her ass or back of her legs and pull back quickly. Flick your wrist as if you’re cracking a whip.

Also, hold your hands in different ways. Cupping your hand with your fingers together gives the effect of a spanking but also has a bit of a caress to it. Using a flat palm with your fingers apart will have more of an impact. Giving quick whacks with a flat palm with your fingers together will definitely leave a sting, a red mark, and definitely a louder smack.

Don’t think of spanking as just smacking. After all, this isn’t the kind of  spanking you got as a kid. Swat your fingers up or back and forth like a whisking a broom. Use one or both sides of your hands and fingers.

Don’t spank the same spot over and over. Alternate between cheeks and try the hips, sides of her butt, or the bottom back of her legs. A little and more gentle swat to the pussy can leave a delightful jolt, too.

Mix Things Up

Spanking isn’t just all about the ass, although anal play while you’re spanking is fun if your partner’s into that. Alternate between spanking and pussy play either with your fingers, dildo or vibrator. Reach around and grab or caress some boobage. Tweak or pinch a nipple while you’re giving her ass the soft touch treatment.

Getting Heavy Handed

When your spankee’s breathing starts getting heavier or if she’s getting pre-orgasmic, this is the time to step things up in intensity. Let her sounds and movements guide you. If an “Ouch!” is immediately followed by an “Oooh, yeah,” you’re doing things right.

Never be afraid to ask how your partner is feeling. Sometimes spankees won’t say they’re hurting because they think there’s some kind of expectation to endure pain in order to earn pleasure. If your partner is into that kind of game, at least tease her by giving her teasing touches near her pussy – the insides of her thighs, the crook between her leg and her groin. Gliding your finger tip along the top of her ass crack to the small of her back will send tingles and shivers throughout her body and down to her very core. Daring her to come while she’s getting spanked can be a hot dynamic.

Some good, hard spanks while you’re in the middle of hardcore fucking can definitely be in order. A swift whack will usually make her vaginal walls clamp around your cock and give her an orgasmic jolt. Again, monitor her response. If she’s really hurting (and chances she won’t be if you’re doing it right), it’s going to kill her mood and you’ll both lose out.

By all means, I don’t mean to suggest that you have to spank or be spanked from foreplay to orgasm. Just like any other sex play, do what feels good and fits the mood. Don’t be surprised if the person doing the spanking will decide when he’s had enough. His hand is getting a work-over, too, or he might want to put them elsewhere.

Afterglow and Aftercare

After all is done, bask in the tenderness of afterglow. Make your partner feel cared for, loved and pampered. Talk about what happened. Don’t be surprised if she wigs out a bit after coming down or even the next day. This is common. Some call it sub-drop or post-coital tristesse (read more about this in Ms. Q & A: Why do I Cry After Sex?). It can be brought on by the polar extreme sensations, a crisis of conscience, or a fear that she’s not truly valued or respected. Assure her that she is by both your words and actions, especially if words like slut, whore and cunt are used during play.

If you’re a conflicted spanker or don’t feel like it’s in your nature, tell her. Respecting limits goes both ways, and extreme and kinky sex doesn’t always mean better sex.

Be sure to follow up in the following days. Check for bruising, marks, and welts. Some gals like a little reminder of a stinging bottom or a warm red mark for a day or so, but if it lasts more than 24 hours or if it’s really painful to sit, take it as a signal to take things easier the next time. A little bruising might occur and she might be OK with her, but blotches of black and blue on her backside are not. Even if she didn’t say “Stop,” “Slow Down,” or use a safe word, it may have been hard for her to judge her pain level if she was also feeling a lot of pleasure. Some medications can exacerbate bruising, too.

More, Please, Sir

If hand-iwork isn’t enough, you’ll most likely want to look into some toys and implements to extend the long arm of the law of great sex, but I’ll get into those in another post. I promise.

http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/spanking-done-right/

Mind and Body Experiences

To be fully engaged in life, we must become aware of the extraordinary connection between our mental state and our physical being. Everything we do relies on neurons communicating with one another, electrical impulses and chemical signals carrying messages across different parts of the brain as well as between the brain and the rest of the nervous system. The body and mind work together to heighten all our experiences, our love and sex lives included.

Pain and Pleasure Ignite The Same Areas of the Brain

Scientists have also discovered that emotions have a physical place in the brain. Anger, happiness, sadness, fear – each has a specific neural circuitry that has evolved over millions of years. Interestingly, many dichotomous emotions reside in the same place. For example, fear and anger come from the same area of the brain, which is the root of the “fight or flight” response. Similarly, pain and pleasure are also roommates. Studies have shown that people who enjoy BDSM (Bondage, Domination/Discipline, Sadism and Masochism) ignite the same areas of their brains for both the pleasure and the pain they experience.

Emotional Hurt, Physical Pain

When people feel emotional pain, it triggers the same areas of the brain as physical pain.

Why is this? Going back to our initial definition of feelings, the body responds to the messages of the mind. This applies to a broken heart as much as a broken toe.

Our body responds to our thoughts and feelings. Below is a just a short list of some of the physical conditions that can indicate our emotional health is out of balance:

♥ Back pain
♥ Chest pain
♥ Constipation
♥ Exhaustion
♥ Headaches
♥ High blood pressure
♥ Insomnia
♥ Palpitations
♥ Sexual problems
♥ Stiff neck
♥ Upset stomach
♥ Weight changes

Alan Fogel, Ph.D., explored this phenomenon for Psychology Today (“Where Does Emotion Hurt In The Body?” 2012) with a series of insightful questions, most notably this one about tripping over a box someone left behind, “If my brain sends me the signal that I broke my toe and I can feel it in my toe, where does my brain place the emotional pain of anger I have for the guy that left the box in the hallway?” More directly, “Where does emotional pain hurt?”

Fogel wonders if emotional pain might reside in the area of the body that represents that unexpressed emotion. For instance, in the example of a toe stubbed on a box left in the hallway, the decision to not yell at the culprit may result in tension in the neck, throat and jaw because the desired expression was not taken, so the muscle that would have otherwise been exercised becomes tense. So, really, saying someone is a “pain in the neck” is more truth than cliché.

Using this logic, is “heartbreak” a real thing? Some researchers believe so. The feeling of love is partly created by vagal-parasympathetic activation, which promotes an easy and relaxed integration of breathing and heart rate. When this comfortable feeling is challenged
by deception or a break up, the sympathetic nervous system responds the same as if it were a physical threat. Since the safety was felt in the chest area, the body may go into protection mode, thereby causing shoulders to hunch into a downcast posture as if to protect the chest and the heart from further pain.

It is important to become aware of where emotional pain resides in our bodies because the location may hold the key to releasing the pain. To improve your emotional and physical health, keep these basic goals in mind:

♥ Don’t repress, deny or ignore your feelings.
♥ Express your feelings in appropriate ways.
♥ Maintain a positive outlook.
♥ Develop resilience.
♥ Practice relaxation techniques.
♥ Take care of your body with healthy nutrition and exercise.

Take a moment to pay attention to your body. Do you have a physical pain that isn’t related to a known injury or ailment? If so, how might it be related to unresolved emotional pain?

Tune into these emotions, and work through them instead of suppressing them, and you may find this will alleviate the physical pain.