Saturday, November 25, 2017
Authors Posts by Victoria Reuveni

Victoria Reuveni

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Dr. Victoria Reuveni, aka Sexologist Vixenne, is a Los Angeles-based sexologist, bodyworker, educator, and coach working with couples and individuals to facilitate going deeper in erotic embodiment and self-acceptance through mindfulness, breath work, and touch. She blogs about sex, kink, gender, and body image and reviews toys. Victoria does outreach education with the Center for Positive Sexuality, speaking on panels about various sexual identity topics. Just in this last year Dr. Reuveni has been quite busy - she started her Sexological Bodywork and coaching practice in March 2014; she has written for the Stockroom blog; she was tied for 2nd-runner up in Between My Sheets’ educational post of 2014; listed in Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2014 and Between My Sheets’ Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2014. For more from Dr. Victoria, follow her website: SexologistVixenne.com

10 Tips For An Awesome Anal August

August is Anal Pleasure Month! What better time to give it a try if you haven’t, or have fun doing it if you already love it? It may not be for everyone, but without a few crucial tips, you might not be giving it the best shot, and you could be missing out on an exciting array of sensations.

Keep in mind that butt play is great for folks with a prostate too! It can be a gateway to learning how to have multiple orgasms as well as orgasms not directly involving the penis.

Try this advice to make the experience wetter & better!

1. Lube!

This cannot be understated: The ass does not self-lubricate like the vagina does. The anal lining is very thin, so it is more susceptible to tearing than the vagina. To keep things nice and slick, grab a gel-like water-based lube for some cushion, or some silicone lube to last a really long time, or even a nice creamy hybrid, which will last a bit longer than water-based, but is easier to wash away than silicone.

2. Warm Up

You have to romance the ass. Take your time. Don’t rush into it. Many of us have seen scenes in porn where suddenly anal sex is happening. In some cases, that is do-able, but usually for those who have had a lot of practice. Most of us need time to warm up and work our way up gradually to larger toys or appendages. Spend time on the anal opening – slow circles, massaging gently, before going all in.

3. Go S-L-O-W-L-Y

The ass has a TON of nerve endings, so it feels, very acutely, what is going on. Especially when you’re starting out, go very slowly. If you think you’re going slow, go slower.

4. Pay Attention to Your Body

If anything hurts, STOP. There is a huge (problematic) misconception that anal play is supposed to hurt. This is so not true! There is a difference between “this is a new and uncomfortable feeling” and “ow this is the worst thing ever.” Pay attention. It might just be that you need more lube, or the position you are in isn’t working for you, or the toy is a bit too big so you might have to scale down.

5. Play Sober

A drink or two may not be a problem. But if you have trouble articulating, communicating, and feeling, you might end up going too far, too quickly, and possibly hurt yourself.

6. Never Use Numbing Agents!

This is bad, bad news folks. You need the information that your nerves are sending to your brain, because they tell you when to slow down or stop.

AND!

If you have to stop because something hurts, go out as slowly as you went in. Do not yank it out quickly.

7. Without a Base, Without a Trace

When using toys be sure to only use ones (plugs, dildos, etc) with a base. It would not be a fun time to lose something up your bum. It might involve a trip to the ER and just all around discomfort. Be smart with what you stick in your body.

Add More Lube!

Don’t be shy! Wetter is better. If you’re with a partner, don’t be afraid to ask for more lube.

8. Breathe!

It helps you to relax and get centered. And, the more you breathe, the more you feel.

9. Safer Sex

Safer sex is important! The penetrator can wear an external (“male”) condom OR the person being penetrated can use an internal condom (“female;” fc2) – just take the inner ring out! The internal condom hangs out of the anus a bit which also covers a bit more skin!

10. Have Fun!

Nothing is worth doing if you aren’t enjoying yourself! Happy Anal August!

What Is Sexological Bodywork?

Sexological Bodywork is a modality of sex education that has been around since 2003. Originally developed by Joseph Kramer, it is a way to teach and facilitate embodiment through conscious breath, movement, touch, and sound. Sometimes Sexological Bodywork is synonymous with Somatic Sex Education – somatic meaning “of the body.” It can be a hands on tool to teach people how to expand their capacity for pleasure and body awareness, but it does not always involve touch. When touch is involved, according to the standards and ethics of the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers, it is one-way touch that is gloved, with the Bodyworker always clothed.

Sexual Surrogates

Sexual surrogates are hands-on bodyworkers (different from sexological bodyworkers) who work in conjunction with sex therapists to provide an experiential component to supplement talk therapy, and often work without clothing. Surrogates are highly trained professionals who work in a team with the therapist and client to achieve a specific goal of sexual functioning, intimacy, or comfort. The movie The Sessions dramatized the life of a sexual surrogate, played by Helen Hunt.

Sexological Bodywork is an umbrella term for various experiences.

The Bodyworker is there to facilitate those experiences with tools they have learned throughout their training. Under this large net, there is masturbation witnessing and coaching, sex education (which can include lessons in genital anatomy), pleasure and sensation mapping, Taoist Erotic Massage, and scar tissue remediation as well as working to dispel shame around one’s body or sexuality.

The building blocks of Sexological Bodywork are conscious breath and movement.

Yes, we all breathe all the time, but we don’t usually think about it. As a culture, many of us are very shallow breathers. This is because we are constantly stressed. Our nervous systems’ “flight or flight” response is often activated. In part, a Sexological Bodyworker works with their clients to make them more aware of their breath. Expanding belly breaths, pelvic breathing, bottom breathing, and variations of these with patterns and releasing sound can be a very enlightening, profound experience.

Somatic sex education, or Sexological Bodywork, can be incredibly healing, but Bodyworkers are not healers.

They don’t promise to “fix” you and are not therapists. It is a different modality which can help a client into their body for quicker growth than can usually be accomplished in talk therapies.

Transference is not uncommon in Sexological Bodywork. A professional Bodyworker will acknowledge from the beginning that emotions and intimacy can develop, but at the same time reminding their client that this is a safe container in which they can explore those emotions without crossing preset boundaries. There should always only be clothed one-way touch which is gloved when there is genital touch. Other kinds of bodywork sessions might not adhere to these standards, but it is important to know that those are not Sexological Bodywork.

If you’ve ever received a full body massage and thought it was a bit strange that the genitals were left out, you might consider searching for your local Sexological Bodyworker to inquire about a session.

An Orgasm A Day For An Entire Year? One Woman’s Journey To Have 365 Days Of Pleasure

2014 was the year I decided to keep a record of my orgasms. I was curious to see whether I would have one a day. Would I have multiple per day? Would I skip any days? What would I learn about myself?
An Orgasm A Day

Long story short: I did not end up having an orgasm every day this year. Is that surprising? I don’t really think so. It was a lofty goal, which does not take into account mood, illness, drive (or lack thereof), and any other number of variables.

There were weeks where I had at least one per day, and then there were weeks where I only had one – in a whole week. This also wasn’t very scientific or detailed. I would write the dates of the week and just add each day that I had a(n) orgasm(s). For the majority of the list, I didn’t make any notes of whether I used toys, or whether it was via a partnered interaction. There were a couple events I made note of; the two separate occasions I ejaculated (because they were pretty monumental!), and the time I had an orgasm on the table in a sensual massage. (I need to do that more often.)

Did I even have 365 orgasms from January 1st to December 31st? Actually I didn’t. My unfiltered response is to say, “How weird!” Or that I’m surprised. But when I really think about it? It’s neither weird, nor surprising to me. It’s quite interesting. In total, I had 254 orgasms this year. That is almost 70% of the year. When I look at it as a percentage, I start to feel disappointed in myself (It’s like a “C-“), but logically there is no reason at all to be upset.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Going back to the bit at the beginning where I mention all the variables that might have contributed to my not getting off every day, is very important. I reflect on this past year, take a breath, and it makes sense. There were a few months in which I was quite ill – various colds, flus, strep-like symptoms, possibly a bit of depression (that is self-diagnosed, though depression does run in my family), my wonky sleep cycle, and lack of total privacy, and it is no wonder that I did not get off 100% of the possible days.

Would I Keep Track of My Orgasms Again?

I think I will continue to keep track of my orgasms in 2015. I would do things a bit differently. It would be more day-specific (Mon. – 1, Tues. – 1, Wed. – 1, etc. vs. 1+1+1…) and keep better track of which toys I used, if any.

What Was the Point of Tracking My Orgasms?

Quite honestly, I’m a Sex Geek and it’s interesting to me. In the larger scheme of things, I am curious to see whether seasons, or any particular event affects my drive and patterns. Mostly, I find it intriguing from a sexological perspective.

Ultimately, orgasms are not the be all, end all. They are fabulous when they happen, but they shouldn’t be on some pedestal. When we make orgasm the thing, we often set ourselves up for disappointment. I encourage you all (and myself) to go into 2015 with the intention of experiencing all the possibilities for pleasure that our bodies can experience – head to toe – and not just searching for the O.

Happy New Year!

Quickie Tip – Never Negotiate Naked!

I’ve been saying Never Negotiate Naked for years now, but I must have picked it up somewhere along the way in my sexological journey.

When we’re in the heat of the moment – clothes are flying off, kissing, touching, heavy breathing – it’s delicious. Everything is so intense. It has to happen RIGHT NOW or you will burst. It’s also a time when we aren’t thinking very clearly. Which is why it’s helpful to negotiate before the action begins. State your intentions. Talk about your safer-sex practices and preferences. Perhaps a Yes-No-Maybe sort of boundaries and limits discussion. To really reduce the pressure, do this in a completely non-sexual setting. Sure, it might get you all hot & bothered as you talk (That’s great!), but this way you can be as clear-headed as possible while negotiating your play.

Never negotiate naked.

Female Ejaculation!

I first have to preface this post with a word on inclusivity. As a cis female, I can pretty much only speak to my own experiences. I recognize that not all people who have a vulva resonate with the term female ejaculation and that is totally fine. For ease of writing and reading I will try to streamline it as much as I can and be as inclusive as I can, but please know that this is only limited by your imagination. Own the language you feel most comfortable with, use the bits that work for you, and feel free to skip the rest. This post is meant to be informative and fun!

The Source by Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres

I am not an expert on “female” ejaculation. Let’s get that out there, right away. Speaking for myself and my own experience with ejaculating, I have (so far) only had it happen twice. Both times were with a conscious intention and it took a lot of work.  I have been to classes, listened to podcasts, read books and articles on the topic. There is so much great info out there around squirting!

Are Orgasm & Ejaculation the Same Thing?

Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same! Though they commonly happen together in men and folks with penises, they are separate physiological events. There are many men who practice isolating their orgasms and holding back their ejaculations with the aid of Taoist practices and/or Tantra. Women and people with vulvas sort of have the “opposite” issue – we have to learn to (more or less) pair these two events where they may have not coincided before.

Concerns, or Am I Just Peeing the Bed?

One of the ways to put to rest the “peeing the bed” concern is to go before you start playing. Having an empty bladder will reduce the chances you will urinate. fountainAnd if you do, don’t panic. It’s all in the name of fun. Put down some towels (and maybe some plastic sheeting like is used for babies, if you really wish to be diligent) and just have a good time!

“Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.” -Shakespeare

Anatomy and Physiology

Underlying Vulvar Structures - Women's Anatomy of Arousal_Winston_border

The vulva and its underlying anatomy is still so shrouded in mystery. There is a lot going on underneath the skin that is not visible to the naked eye. The clitoris that can be seen is just the tip of the iceberg. There really is so much more inside.

The spot we commonly call the “g-spot” is also called the urethral sponge. It has a different texture than the rest of the vaginal canal and tends to respond well to pressure (once everything is warmed up). Some people may need penetration to be deeper, higher up towards the cervix and uterus (which does lift as arousal progresses). This area is the anterior fornix. Sometimes called the “A-spot” it has the amazing capability to lubricate quickly when stimulated. [Gentle reminder: Play around, be gentle on yourself, breathe, and communicate with your partner(s).]

Ejaculate issues forth from the urethra in both male and female anatomy. In the case that ejaculation does not happen, it will be reabsorbed into the bladder, which is known as retrograde ejaculation. Because this fluid comes through the urethra, there will be trace amounts of urine, but it is mostly prostatic fluid with some glucose and fructose.

Getting Started

As much as you can, set the scene so that you feel as safe and comfortable as possible. This should take into account multiple levels of comfort:  physical (comfortable room temperature, pillows, etc.); mental (peeing before, laying down towels, silencing your cell phone, locking the door, etc.); emotional (having open, comfortable communication and connection in a partnered setting). You might also wish to consider what type of aftercare you might want, particularly if you are embarking with a partner. Whether you ejaculate this session or not, will you want cuddling? Will you want your space? Will you want a blanket ready to be swaddled in? Try to envision what you may want, or at least be open to communicating your needs and wants to your partner.

4 Ways to Encourage the Chances of Ejaculating

Keeping in mind that all bodies are different, not all elements will work for everyone all the time. It’s important to experiment with various methods. It can also be  a good idea to practice on your own first before trying it out with a partner. This is helpful when trying to communicate what you want or need them to do, not just to ejaculate, but for any sort of sexual interaction.

♦ High levels of arousal

As someone for whom ejaculation does not come easily (see what I did there?), I really had to work at it. That will look different for each individual. I had to build up to such a point that I was borderline rabid/insane with lust and just wanting to give up. I persisted, pushing through the ache starting in my arms from gripping the Magic Wand and the Pure Wand. After three orgasms I was rewarded with a warm, gentle gush issuing forth, before closing things down with a final, fourth orgasm.

♦ Don’t rush

I had never really, consciously put thought, time, and intention toward having an ejaculation. I was very laid-back about it; if it happened it happened; if not, that was okay, too. The two times I’ve ejaculated, I consciously set aside the time, made sure I wouldn’t get interrupted, and didn’t have anything especially pressing within the next couple hours. (Yes. Hours.) If I had to think about how long it might have taken me… It’s hard to say. Definitely over an hour. The first time was probably closer to two. But it’s not like I had a timer running in the background.

water bottles_border♦ Make sure you’re hydrated

Hydration is important for one’s overall health. In terms of ejaculation, it’s pretty paramount to the experience. It’s good to empty your bladder before playing, but you have to be hydrated if you want to call forth the gush. It would probably be helpful to have some water (or Gatorade or equivalent) nearby, maybe even with a bendy straw for ease of access and so play does not have to stop completely.

♦ Motion, the angle, and pressure

For some, the length of the toy will be an important factor, particularly if reach is an issue, or voluptuous bellies are in the way. But for many people, the g-spot isn’t very far in (for the most part). We’re talking just a few inches inside the vagina.

Squirting Image from Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston

Overall, it’s more about the angle of the fingers or toys and the pressure being used.  The most common description of using the “come hither” motion with fingers is pretty on point. You’re going to want to face the pads of your fingers upward, and curl towards the navel. The g-spot often responds well to rhythmic pressure. (Pro tip: Don’t be afraid to get your whole arm involved.)

If you’re using toys, there are lots of options that were created with g-spot stimulation in mind. You will notice that they tend to have a curve or angle to them.  Good Vibrations has a nice selection including the highly lauded njoy Pure Wand. The Pure Wand is the top recommended toy to help with squirting. (It worked for me!) It is stainless steel, so it’s heavy but in some ways you have to do less work. It’s an amazing toy, will last forever, and cleans up super well. I think it’s totally worth the price tag, but if you really can’t justify it right now, or want something that isn’t metal, the Galaxy G is a good alternative. Acrylic is light and cleans up well, also.

Can All Women and People with a G-spot Ejaculate?

I hear this question often and it was recently asked of me via twitter. In the classes I have been to and various sources I have read, I have heard it said that all women can squirt. I honestly don’t have THE answer. And there might not be one, true answer. There could be folks who could do it who find that they have trouble in later years. Alternately, someone may have never squirted before becomes an ejaculation aficionado. All of that is valid and perfectly okay. Bodies change and life circumstances shift. Above all, have fun. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. An evening spent trying to ejaculate without reaching that intention, is not an evening wasted.

For more resources and suggested reading on female ejaculation, go here!