Friday, July 28, 2017
Authors Posts by Sunny Megatron

Sunny Megatron

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Sunny Megatron is a sexuality educator, sex and relationship writer, media personality, and pleasure products expert. She’s also the host and executive producer of the groundbreaking, sex-positive Showtime original television series, SEX with Sunny Megatron.

Her approachable demeanor and infectious humor puts audiences at ease in her sell-out sexuality workshops and university guest lectures. Named one of the 6 most savvy sexologists in North America, her work has been featured in Cosmo, Playboy, Jezebel, Buzzfeed, and CNN. Sunny’s popular sex ed youtube channel features sex tips, tours of interesting sexy places, and plenty of reviews of the latest pleasure toys.

Recently nominated for XBIZ 2016 Sexpert of the Year, Sunny’s passion is helping people become their authentic, sexual selves by learning to overcome shame and shed inhibitions. As a lifestyle BDSM enthusiast, much of her work centers around normalizing alternative sexual practices and ending sexual stigma.

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift – A Kinky Massage!

Scrambling for a Valentine’s Day gift idea and the standard heart shaped box of chocolates isn’t cutting it? Looking for something to make your partner feel appreciated, pampered, and help you both intimately connect? After reading my BDSM series, are you eager to try something a little unconventional? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, an erotic kinky massage may be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Even better, it won’t cost you a thing.

What exactly is a kinky massage?

You don’t have to be be an expert masseuse or an experienced BDSM master to give this type of massage. In fact it’s a great place to start experimenting with the four basic BDSM techniques from my last article.
A kinky massage combines full-body massage with BDSM play types like sensory deprivation, sensation play, bondage, and impact play. How much massage and kink you include is up to you and your partner. Those new to BDSM can keep things on the lighter side while more experienced players can bring in specialized equipment and play harder. Genital massage and sex can also be a part of your routine but they don’t have to be.

How do I start?

Begin your kinky massage by undressing your lover and laying them on a massage table or comfortable bed. Because sensory deprivation is a key element in a kinky massage, a blindfold is a must. Headphones playing instrumental music can help the receiver further relax and tune out the outside world. Light restraints on the wrists and/or ankles may also do the same. Make sure the room is warm enough for their comfort and smells pleasant. Scented candles or incense are a nice addition.
You can start the session like any other full body massage. Take time working on major muscle groups and relaxing your partner. Don’t rush straight for the genitals. Instead concentrate on releasing all tension from their entire body. Using a sex friendly massage oil will allow you to transition to more erotic activities later without skipping a beat. Extra Virgin Coconut oil is a personal favorite and is safe for all types of genitals. Don’t use coconut oil with latex condoms, however, because oil is not compatible with latex.
Once your partner is completely relaxed and turned on, slowly transition in kinky elements.
In my last article I recommended opposites for sensation play. You’ll apply the same principles here. Gently rub something soft along their skin, then something slightly scratchy. Next go for warm and cold, firm and light, etc.

What do I use?

If you are just starting out, use ‘pervertables’ from around your home or those purchased inexpensively at a dollar store. Car washing mitts, feather dusters, bristle brushes, loofah sponges, kitchen utensils, and clothes pins are all wonderful items to repurpose as kinky sensation tools. Don’t forget to grab some sex toys from the bedside drawer too. You can use a simple bullet vibrator on nipples, the nape of the neck, or behind the knees for a unique sensation.
If you are a more experienced BDSM player, get out your floggers, nipple clamps, canes, and the like. Just like a vibrator has alternative sensual uses, so does some of your kinky equipment. Take your flogger and drizzle it across skin for a tickling sensation or use the handle as an impact instrument. No matter what your experience level, your imagination is one of the best tools you have in your arsenal.
It’s important to have your equipment and supplies laid out before you begin. Keep everything within easy reach for your kinky massage. Nothing kills the mood faster than running over to the closet to search for something you forgot.

How do I know what my partner will like or that I won’t go too far?

Before you begin, go over with your partner what they may or may not like during their massage. This pre-negotiation does not have to be as detailed as it would be for a heavier BDSM scene. You still need to find out the essentials, though. For instance, ask if they want to engage in impact play, if putting clothespins on their nipples is okay, if genital stimulation can be part of the massage, etc. Don’t forget to establish a safe word or signal so the receiver can let you know if you’ve crossed a boundary. Lastly, make sure to go over health issues or allergies that may affect the massage.
It’s also important go over how your partner likes to be rubbed because touch can be very subjective. I like firm, deep touches with the palm of the hand. The first time I massaged my husband I did it the way I like and he hated it! I found out he prefers light, soft strokes with the fingertips. Take a minute before you start to have your partner rub your arm the way they like to be touched. Then do it back on their arm to make sure you have the right technique down.

Read more about Bondassage

If erotic kinky massage sounds like something you may enjoy, I highly recommend reading Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Tips for Lovers by Jaeleen Bennis and Eve Minax. It’s a short book at a little over 100 pages that you can read in an afternoon. The Bondassage book is full of helpful information including specific massage techniques, music playlists, choreographed sample massage sequences, and equipment lists. Hands down, it’s the best resource on kinky massage available. If you’re curious what a Bondassage session is like check out this video.
Giving the gift of an erotic kinky massage for Valentine’s Day (or any day) can be a game changer in the bedroom. It’s a wonderful way to ease into BDSM or reacquaint you with a long time partner. You can even schedule massage time on a regular basis giving you each the opportunity to be the receiver. You never know, kinky erotic massage may just end up transforming your sex life.

Four Common Types Of BDSM Play

If you’ve been keeping up with my BDSM article series you’ve already learned quite a bit. At this point, you understand the roles of the submissive and dominant and know how to establish consent and negotiate boundaries.  You’re also familiar with constructing a BDSM scene. Now it’s time to dive in a bit deeper and learn about different types of kinky play.

Nothing is Set in Stone

As you explore kink more you’ll likely discover new things about yourself. This means you need to prepare for ongoing change. It’s important to always remain flexible and open to the unexpected on your BDSM journey.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell what you like until you actually try it. When I first explored submission I was most eager to try bondage. I fantasized about getting tied up for years and just knew it would be even hotter in real life. Turns out, when I tried it I HATED it. Nothing went as planned and I had to stop the entire scene. To my surprise the reality didn’t match up to the fantasy. This also forced me to change my expectations moving forward.
Allow for flexibility in your kinky identity too. Don’t feel you must choose being either dominant or submissive and stay in that role forever. If you’re brand new to BDSM be open to trying out both roles. This is especially important when you’re experimenting with new equipment or techniques. If you already know you are a dominant, for instance, it’s still a good idea to know what it feels like to be on the other side of a riding crop. Knowing what your submissive is experiencing can make you a better dominant. On the flipside, having a sense of what your dominant experiences can make you a better submissive.
Don’t be surprised if the role you identify with changes over time. You might start out as a submissive and later discover you want to try your hand at dominance. You may also consider yourself a switch. This is someone that alternates between dominant and submissive roles depending on their mood or partner dynamics. Play preferences can change too. Electric play might sound scary today but may intrigue you next year. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even enjoy bondage. Because we’re always changing and growing it’s important to reassess your boundaries and have ongoing conversations with your partners.

Getting Down To Business

The following four types of BDSM play are great starters. These can be done sensually or taken to extremes. They are some of the most popular and versatile elements of BDSM, but not your only choices. You’ll also be able to do everything in this article using objects found right in your own home. Common items re-purposed for sexy play are called pervertables.

1. Sensory Deprivation

When one of your senses is dulled, the others become magnified. Removing sight amplifies every sound, smell, touch, and taste. With a sleep mask or silk scarf or tied around your partner’s eyes, everything else they experience becomes a titillating mystery.
Playing music with headphones while using a blindfold doubles the impact of sensory deprivation. With sight and sound gone the remaining senses are further amplified creating more profound sensations. Sensory deprivation is a wonderful place to start on your kink journey.

2. Sensation Play

This is a perfect companion to sensory deprivation. It can also serve as a nice warm-up for heavier impact play. When playing with different sensations it’s important to use opposites. Try these differing sensations to engage the whole body: hot and cold, rough and smooth, firm and light, or fast and slow.
I find some of the best sensation play objects in my home or at the dollar store. Soft dusting mitts, feathers, stiff bristle brushes, ice cubes, and forks can be amazingly devious tools.

3. Impact Play

For some people erotic pain is intoxicating. It gets your endorphins pumping which can cause a feeling of euphoria. Impact play doesn’t have to be anything brutal. Even mild strikes can do the trick. When experimenting with rough body play, it’s essential to know how and where to hit. Make sure you don’t hurt someone in a way that doesn’t feel sexy.
It takes roughly 10 minutes for an endorphin rush to kick in. Start off striking lightly and only increase intensity after this 10 minute warm-up period is over. Also don’t hit the same spot over and over. If you’re spanking a behind alternate between butt cheeks. When the area is ready for more intensity it will be warm to the touch. If the submissive’s skin is fair it will also turn pink at this point.
The most popular place to hit is the butt and back of the thighs. The upper back, nipples, and genitals are also suitable places for impact play. Keep in mind different areas can withstand different intensities so adjust for that. You wouldn’t spank someone’s genitals as hard as you would their butt, for instance. Always avoid bony areas like shins, ribs, neck, and any place where organs are exposed like the lower back and abdomen. Striking these parts of the body can result in serious injury.
Aside from hands, some of my favorite at-home implements are common household objects. Wooden spoons, hair brushes, back scratchers, and even hard cover books can be just as satisfying as expensive BDSM specialty items. You can experiment to see which cause a more “stingy” sensation or deeper, “thuddy” feel. Many submissives develop a preference for one type of sensation over the other.

4. Bondage

While decorative bondage may take years to perfect, you can easily make simple restraints with household items. The belt tie of my thick terry cloth robe is a favorite of mine as well as neck ties. Never use zip ties! They continue to tighten as the submissive moves, cutting off circulation and causing nerve damage in extreme cases. The fuzzy handcuffs commonly given out at bachelorette parties may also cause the same problems and should be avoided.
Submissives enjoy bondage for many different reasons. Some like the vulnerability, while others are happy giving up control. For some bondage can be a form of sensory deprivation as it takes away the ability to touch. While bondage can be fun on its own, it’s often best when combined with another type of play. Try starting a scene with bondage, adding a blindfold, and then some spanking. Sounds like a fun evening, doesn’t it?

Are You Ready to Play?

If you’re curious about these types of play why not try them for fun outside of the bedroom initially? If you have a partner experiment on each other! Practice different ties, play with various impact toys, and go around the house in search of new pervertables. Exploring in a casual setting can allow you both to get the hang of the techniques and experience sensations from the giver and receiver’s points of view. You’ll also get the mistakes out of the way and figure out what you do and don’t like before you hit the bedroom.
Casually experimenting with pervertables and each other will help you discover a host of new sensual possibilities. Coupling this newfound knowledge with the scene building tips from my last article will help you create a dynamic, sexy scenario you’ll both enjoy.
Keep an eye on sexpert.com for more in this BDSM article series. If you’ve missed previous installments you can find them here:

Dominance and Scene Building For Beginners

In our previous article, we flipped the script and discovered the submissive actually has the control in BDSM. It’s the submissive’s job to determine their own limits and desires, communicate them to the dominant, and tell the dominant when their limits change or are reached during a scene.
 
The dominant’s job, on the other hand, is to understand the submissive’s desires and boundaries, match them up with their own, and put together a scene that adheres to everyone’s guidelines. A good dominant needs to be creative, a thorough planner, able to think on their feet when unexpected changes arise, be proficient in whatever techniques they use, and be familiar enough with the submissive’s mind to play with it in just the right way. They also must be considerate, caring, empathetic, respectful, a great listener, have excellent self control, and always be willing to learn and grow. Most importantly, submissives and dominants must trust each other completely. Becoming a good dominant takes time and patience.
 
Wow, those are some pretty big shoes to fill! If you’ve never constructed a scene as a dominant before, where do you begin?

Don’t Focus On The Sex

It’s a common misconception that BDSM is all about sex. Some incorporate lovemaking in their kinky play and others don’t. All kinky scenes, however, involve our biggest organ, the brain. It’s important not to lose sight of the fact that BDSM is first and foremost about the mind-fuck, not the physical fuck.
 
While orgasms can be wonderful, they aren’t the sole focus here. Your submissive partner is ultimately looking to get something else out of your scene. They want to go on a mental amusement park ride. Perhaps they crave the twists, turns, and surprises of a large scale roller coaster. Or maybe they want a slow, soothing float down the tunnel of love. It’s your job as the dominant to custom build that brain ride.

Building Your BDSM Roller Coaster

I introduced my BDSM Yes/No/Maybe list in our last article. It helps partners talk about their boundaries and desires. The submissive’s answers to those questions and the discussions that result are the key elements of your kinky roller coaster blueprint. These pre-scene negotiations let you know if your submissive likes upside down loops, vertical drops, dark tunnels, or corkscrew twists. Your challenge is to assemble all of those elements in a way that flows nicely, builds in intensity, and keeps your eager rider in suspense.
 
We like to be on the receiving end of BDSM for many of the same reasons we enjoy watching scary movies or going to real amusement parks. The anticipation and excitement gets our juices flowing. Our adrenaline spikes, our endorphins soar, and we enter an altered state of consciousness. Research has found this natural high is very similar to the “runner’s high” marathoners experience. When we’re on an actual roller coaster we logically know we’re in a safe, controlled environment but sometimes we still feel like our car is going to fly off the rails. That off-the-rails feeling is what we’re after.
 
As a dominant your goal is to mentally replicate that feeling for your submissive. Although you are in complete control of what’s happening and your scene is planned out, you want to make your submissive feel they may be riding in a runaway car and have no idea what’s coming next.

In Practice, What Does This Look Like?

Suppose in your negotiations you learn your submissive likes bondage, blindfolds, being verbally reprimanded, light spanking, and sensual touch. They are also open to creative role-play and have mentioned a medical play scene might be fun. Provided you feel comfortable doing these things, they become the loops, drops, and twists of your BDSM roller coaster.

You Might Build The Scene, a.k.a Roller Coaster, Like This:

You are a dentist. Each time you see this patient they always have more cavities. Although you’ve gone over proper brushing techniques with them countless times, they obviously haven’t listened. You’re at your wits end with how poorly they care for their teeth. This visit, once and for all, you’re going to make sure they learn proper oral hygiene in a way they’ll never forget.
 
Start the scene verbally reprimanding them about their brushing technique. As your frustration rises bend them over your knee for some light spanking. After composing yourself ask the patient to lay down for the exam. Rather than breaking out real dental instruments go with the creative roleplay here– caress and tickle their lips, have them suck your fingers, etc. as part of the exam. Because they can’t sit still enough, you eventually tie their hands so you can examine their mouth without distraction. When you find evidence of some serious plaque build up you become angry again. You say, “I show you how to care for your teeth every time and it doesn’t sink in! I’m done with SHOWING you,” you put the blindfold on them, “maybe you’ll remember if you FEEL it!”
 
This is where the sensation play comes in. You can rub their body in all sorts of ways and places to mimic brushing technique. Rub their skin with objects made from various materials and textures pretending they are different types of dental tools. How about running toothbrush bristles over their nipples or teasing their genitals with the flat, smooth end of a vibrating electric toothbrush you purchased exclusively for this scene? Giving your version of a deep dental cleaning can be fun too– especially if they have to rinse and spit at the end!
 
That was hot, wasn’t it? See how you can turn just a few parameters into full length kinky roller coaster ride? You can create countless scenarios with them too.
 
Now that you have a taste of how to construct a scene, think about some different erotic situations you can devise with the same set of guidelines. Remember to have your scene build in intensity as it unfolds. If you can do that, congratulations, you’ve learned how to construct a basic BDSM scene!
 
Next time we’ll go over play types and techniques. I’ll also tell you which beginner toys you can find right in your own home. If you haven’t read my previous articles in this series you can find them here and here.

The Fundamentals Of BDSM

Now that we’re clear on the difference between vanilla and kinky, you might be ready to explore the world of BDSM further. Before you dive right into spanking, bondage, or roleplay there’s a bit of groundwork we need to cover first. Although you may have already had amazing experiences unknowingly dabbling in kink like we talked about in my last article, purposeful BDSM should involve a bit more knowledge, understanding, and planning.

Is BDSM abusive?

From the outside looking in, a typical BDSM scene may appear to be a one-sided affair in which the dominant gets to do whatever they want to the submissive. To the unknowing eye, things like spanking, objectification, or erotic humiliation seem abusive. If these actions are done properly within the framework of BDSM, however, they are anything but.
 
Let’s look at some of the key differences between BDSM and abuse:
 
  • BDSM is calmly planned and carefully controlled while abuse is an out of control situation. A dominant should always have a handle on their emotions and never act out of anger. Their role is to be caring, thoughtful, and always act in the best interest of the submissive.
  • In abusive situations one person lashes out physically and/or emotionally at the other without permission. In a BDSM scenario everything that happens is negotiated in detail ahead of time and approved by the submissive. The submissive also has the power to stop the action at any time for any reason by using a safeword.
  • Abusive episodes leave participants with negative feelings like sadness, anger, or remorse. The goal of a BDSM scene is for both partners to feel happy and satisfied when it’s over. It is the dominant’s job to check in and make sure the submissive feels safe and secure throughout the kinky scene. Afterwards, both partners engage in aftercare, which includes comforting the submissive and tending to them in a way that leaves them in an upbeat frame of mind.
To sum it up, abuse is based on force and intimidation while BDSM is thoughtfully negotiated play that is safe, sane, and consensual.

What Exactly Does Safe, Sane, And Consensual Mean?

It isn’t uncommon for those into BDSM to describe their play style as SSC, which stands for safe, sane, and consensual. SSC is otherwise known as the “golden rule of BDSM,” and for good reason. Let’s break it down:
  • Safe means you are knowledgeable about the tools you’re using and the techniques employed. It also means you have taken every precaution to minimize potential physical and emotional risks.
  • Sane means your decision making ability is not impaired (which includes being under the influence of drugs or alcohol), that you can separate reality from fantasy, and you are not imposing excessively unrealistic expectations on your play partner.
  • Consent means all parties give their informed, enthusiastic consent both before and continually during play. 
SSC is a pretty good rule to live by, right? Even outside of a kinky scene it’s not a bad idea to apply this concept to other things you do with partners whether it be vanilla sex, rock climbing, or shopping at Target.

A Little More About Consent

Consent truly is the cornerstone of BDSM. It’s not something that’s granted with flirts and smiles or only discussed once before play and never checked in on again. Kinksters routinely engage in detailed pre-negotiation before play to establish consent. They use safewords during play as a way to ensure that consent is on-going.
 
In Fifty Shades of Grey they used a lengthy contract written in legalese to determine exactly what the submissive allowed. That’s not necessary, well, unless legal play is one of your kinks! Some people choose to negotiate verbally while others may use a simple form or written guide like a BDSM yes/no/maybe list. Pre-negotiation should be done outside the bedroom and may consist of a series of conversations over a period of time. We’ll get more into the nitty-gritty of BDSM negotiation when I address how to talk to your partner about BDSM in a future article.

Safewords

After both partners determine their boundaries and desires during pre-negotiation, the dominant uses those details as guideline to construct a kinky scenario. Perhaps the dominant thinks up a naughty student/stern teacher roleplay including bondage and spanking that fits in perfectly with the submissive’s desired activities and fantasies. Once the scene begins, the submissive can use safewords to further control what does and does not happen during play.
 
Generally a safeword should be a distinct word that you’d never normally say during a sexy scene. Words like no or stop aren’t ideal because they may be confusing to the dominant. They may wonder if the sub is saying no only because they’re role playing the part of someone being punished or if the sub truly wants the scene to stop.
 
Some people use random words like pineapple, rutabaga, or Florida as safe words. Others use unusual short phrases like their full name. When was the last time you shouted out “Bartholomew Rutherford McDonald Jr.!” during sex? Your name is a phrase you won’t likely forget and it’s distinctive enough for the dominant to pick up on and stop the scene immediately.
 
I like to use a stop light system because it allows not only for negative feedback, but can let the dominant know what the submissive wants more of as well. In this case red means stop just like a traditional safeword. Green means the submissive likes what’s happening and wants it to continue, perhaps with more intensity. Yellow means the submissive doesn’t want to stop, however, they are close to reaching their limit and need the dominant to slow down or check in.

Who Has The Power In BDSM?

From the outside looking in, it appears that in BDSM the dominant makes all the decisions and calls the shots. Knowing what you know now, however, you may realize it’s actually the submissive that holds the power. Through pre-negotiation and the use of safewords, the submissive specifies exactly what they don’t want, what they do want, and how they want it. The dominant simply constructs an erotic scenario using those parameters. So when it all boils down, in some ways it’s the dominant’s job to serve the submissive. That’s a plot twist, isn’t it?
 
In my next article we’ll dive deeper into the role of the dominant and examine exactly what it is about BDSM that’s so appealing to so many people.
XO, Sunny Megatron

Are You Secretly Into BDSM?

You may have heard the old adage, “Erotic is using a feather, but kinky is using the whole damn chicken!” Although that saying is cute and giggle-worthy, it isn’t particularly helpful if you’re trying to figure out if BDSM is right for you.

What if I told you that you might already be kinky? That’s right, you may have been dabbling in BDSM for years without even knowing it. In fact, many of us do it often but don’t have a clue. So how can you tell if you’re unknowingly into kink? Before we figure that out we need to unlearn some assumptions about what kink is and isn’t.

Vanilla vs. Kinky

Most of us believe vanilla and kinky are polar opposites. If you’re one you can’t be the other and regardless of which side of the spectrum you fall, your side is “good” and the other is “bad.” In reality, the line between vanilla and kinky is blurry. What each of us considers kinky or vanilla is subjective based upon what society tells us and on our own personal viewpoints.

By definition kink is classified as any unconventional sexual practice or turn-on. It’s safe to say most of us peg traditionally conventional/vanilla sex as lights out, missionary position, with no feather or chicken anywhere in sight. On the flipside, the majority of us agree activities like spanking, bondage, and roleplay games fall in the kinky camp. But what about all the other things in the middle?  

How do we classify anal play, oral sex, dirty talk, using sex toys, being commanding in the bedroom, assuming a passive role during sex, a smack on the ass, or using a blindfold? These acts may be considered components of vanilla sex to some people and as wild as swinging by the chandelier to others. How do we collectively decide what’s kinky and what isn’t? We can’t. There is no one-size-fits all definition of kink because it’s too subjective. It’s likely you’ve done at least one of the things I just mentioned. Does that mean you’re kinkier than you thought? Perhaps.

Kink vs. BDSM

Just like there isn’t a universally agreed upon distinction between vanilla and kink, the grey area between kink and BDSM is even murkier. In fact, many non-vanilla people regard them as one in the same and use the terms interchangeably.

I can’t count the number of times someone has come to me for advice with this kind of question: “How can I tell my partner I want to get just a little kinky in the bedroom? I’d really like it if they’d talk dirty to me, tug my hair, hold me down kind of forcefully, or maybe even use a blindfold. Oh but, I don’t want to do any of that weird BDSM stuff. That’s over the top and way too freaky for me!”

That’s when I break it to them that what they described actually is considered BDSM.

What is BDSM exactly?

BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Technically that’s BDDSSM but the simplified BDSM isn’t as much of a mouthful!

One popular misconception about BDSM is that practitioners have to enjoy all the letters of the acronym to be “doing BDSM.” I often hear people say, “I’m interested in some aspects of BDSM but I’m not into pain so I guess it’s not for me.” It turns out if you’re only interested in the B (bondage), for example, and that’s all you do– you’re still practicing BDSM.

Another misconception is the only way to do BDSM is to emulate what went on in Christian Grey’s red room of pain. If role playing that type of character turns you on, then that’s a wonderful place for you to start. That  isn’t your only option, however. BDSM doesn’t have to be mean, commanding, and dark. You’re not required to call anyone Sir or Mistress, wear leather, kiss anyone’s boots, punish your lover because they’ve been bad, or act out any other tired BDSM stereotype. Just because that’s the only flavor of BDSM we see in the media does not mean it’s the only option available to us.

Imagine this kind of scene:

I lightly tie my partner’s hands to the bed posts and gently tickle him with a feather until we both collapse into a fit of giggles. After, I playfully tease him with my body and the promise of sex acts. The catch is, he has to earn each nibble, kiss, and more by giving correct answers to my silly riddles. When he answers wrong he gets another tickle. I’m also wearing a baseball jersey and yoga pants . . . until they come off during the riddle part of our sexy scene.

That doesn’t sound very 50 Shades of Grey but it’s still very much BDSM. What’s more is that scene actually embodied every letter of the acronym– bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and the tickling is a lighter, more humorous form of sadomasochism.

It’s important to realize BDSM is defined by acts you are performing & the power dynamic between you and you partners, not by the flavor of your play. BDSM can be silly, serious, sensual, loud, quiet, intense, playful, centered around sex, or not include sex at all. It’s unconventional erotic play that can be as mild or intense as you and your partners desire.

So, are you kinky?

Now that’s we’ve reframed kink and BDSM, think back on some of your past sexual experiences or fantasies. Do some of those things fall under the BDSM umbrella? If so, congratulations, you’re kinky . . . even if you have no desire to ever step foot in the red room of pain.

Wow, I AM kinky! What now?

Visit sexpert.com regularly! This is my first article in a series about BDSM for sexpert.com. My future writings will help guide you on your kinky journey. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of BDSM and cover topics like: how to talk to your partner, negotiation, how to figure out if you are submissive or dominant, play safety, BDSM tools, advanced play, and a whole bunch more. If there’s something you’d like to see in a future article please let me know in the comments.