Saturday, October 21, 2017
Authors Posts by Kait Scalisi

Kait Scalisi

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Kait Scalisi, MPH is a sex educator who helps people find freedom in pleasure. Her areas of specialty include sex after cancer, sex-positive approaches to violence prevention, passionate monogamy, and body image. She has presented at Johns Hopkins Medicine and Yale University, among others, been featured on Brides.com, and written for the the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, Sexual Health Rankings, and My Secret Luxury. www.passionbykait.com

“Orgasm” Authors Ask Women 9 Questions To Find Their Best Orgasm

When it comes to the female orgasm, there’s a lot of mystery, negativity, and wrong information surrounding it. You might have heard that they take a long time and are really hard to have. You also might have heard that they have to be mind-blowingly amazing and happen at the same time as your partner. Sure – all of these can be true and you might have experienced some. But it’s only part of the story.

Female orgasms comes in all different shapes, sizes, and strength.

There’s no one right way to orgasm. And what’s the best orgasm ever to one person might be the norm to someone else. As I wrote in a past post:

Not all orgasms are created equal. In fact they come in all different intensities, ranging from a quiet whisper to a full body, roll-over-and-pass-out-immediately, earth shattering release. Click here to read more.

The problem is as women we don’t really talk about our orgasms with other women. It’s so easy to assume that what gets you off also works for everyone. There definitely are some things that work for most (vibrators and oral sex I’m talking to you!). But no one thing works for everyone, every time. This also means that what you like, and what qualifies as the best orgasm to you, can change over time.

Part of what makes orgasms so fun is how much variety there is.

When you talk about your experiences and hear about others’ you realize there are so many different and awesome things that get people off. There are so many new things you can play with and explore. But you have to learn about them first!

This need to talk about the Big O more is exactly what inspired Linda Troeller and Marion Schneider to create Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews. In it, they interviewed 25 women of all different ages, nationalities, and social backgrounds about what turns them on and what gets them off. Here are a few of the things the women used to come:

  • Fingers
  • Fantasies
  • A vibrator
  • A shower head
  • Paint brushes
  • A hair brush handle

The women also talked about some things they needed in order to have their orgasm. These included:

  • A deep connection with their partner
  • Love
  • Sunshine
  • Water
  • Safety
  • Feeling relaxed
  • Feeling free

With both of these lists, you probably see some things that surprise you and others that are super familiar. Hopefully some of the surprising ones inspire new fantasies and sexy ideas! The bigger message, and the best thing about sex generally, is that there’s something for everyone.

The other thing they shared is which parts of their bodies were key to their orgasm. For some it was their clitoris or g-spot. Others, their breasts or booty.

Self-pleasure is important for orgasm.

The women knew all this because they spent their time exploring and playing with their pleasure. In fact, many had their first and/or strongest orgasm on their own. For some it was intentional: they decided to explore what felt good. For others, it was an oopsie – something felt good and they kept doing and then they came. Some of the women didn’t even recognize their first orgasm for what it was. Believe it or not, this is way more common than you’d think.

The common theme is that you have the power to create your orgasm. It’s something that comes from your body (and brain), not that someone or something else gives you. You create that pleasure. Pretty amazing huh?! To do this though, you need to know what you like and what you don’t. Self-pleasure is one part of that, especially if you already do it regularly. You might also feel more comfortable exploring with your partner. Or doing both.

What ultimately matters for creating a more intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life is that you know what brings you to orgasm, you play with and explore new things, and you practice what works, however many times each week is right for you.

9 Questions to Ask Yourself for the Best Orgasm

To learn about the woman’s orgasms, the book’s creators asked them a series of five questions. Writing down your answers to these is a fun way to figure out what you need to have your best orgasm.

1) What does the word orgasm mean to you?
2) Can you remember your first orgasm?
3) Can you remember your strongest orgasm?
4) Do you have fantasies when you create or experience an orgasm?
5) What is the future of orgasm in society/in the world?

Answering these is super helpful if you struggle to orgasm or want stronger, more regular climaxes. Questions 2-3 are extra important because they help you figure out what was happening when you came the first time and the best time. Here are some four more questions to answer as you describe your first and strongest orgasm.

Visit Kait for the last 4 questions!

Can Women Think Their Way To A Better Orgasm?

About two years ago I surveyed my newsletter list to see what topics they wanted to know more about.
The overwhelming response? Orgasm.

You told me you want easier, more frequent, and stronger climaxes! Though I truly believe in pursuing pleasure for pleasure’s sake, I also know that, for many, orgasm is the ultimate release.
Though the science of sex doesn’t always move as fast as I’d like, there is usually something new and interesting and, well, sexy to learn about. Earlier this summer, researchers confirmed something I’ve been teaching for the past five years:

Your brain is your biggest and most important sex organ. In other words, you can, to a degree, think your way to a better orgasm. Let’s briefly review the study before talking about what this means for you.

Sex research, as you can imagine, can be surprisingly difficult to do thanks to the shame and stigma so many people attach to the topic. That means we look all over the globe and especially in countries that are more open about sex. This study comes from France where researchers surveyed about 300 sexually active women. Most identified as heterosexual and the average age was 31. The women were divided into two groups based on their response to the survey: those who orgasmed regularly (orgasmic women) and those who reported that they did not (anorgasmic women).

What were the big take-aways?

•    Most of the women experienced pleasure and orgasm. But among the orgasmic women, pleasure was more common and sexual distress was less common. The lesson? There is a relationship between the amount of pleasure and distress a woman feels and her ability to orgasm.

•    Clitoral stimulation was the most commonly used and favorite form of stimulation. However, orgasmic women were more likely to use more than one kind of stimulation (e.g. clitoral, vaginal, anal, nipple, etc) at the same time. This was especially true during partner sex.

•    Both groups of women reported thinking mostly erotic thoughts during solo sex. Orgasmic women, however, also think about such things during partner sex.

•    Orgasmic women are more likely believe that focusing on physical sensations of sex are the best thoughts during the act.

Ok you’re thinking – that’s all well and good, but how the heck does this apply to me? Here are four ways these results can help you experience more pleasure and maybe even have a better orgasm.

    1.    Get curious and creative

The study doesn’t tell us is whether sexual creativity (e.g. using different types of stimulation) makes it more likely a woman will orgasm or women who are naturally orgasmic are also more sexually creative. My bet is that the relationship works in both directions. Regardless, mixing things up is clearly a good thing. Start small – stroke your hands up and down your body, lingering where it feels good. When you get comfortable add in [nipple/ass/vaginal/vulval/clitoral] play one at a time. If it feels good – keep at it. If not, try something new. Same goes for different positions, strokes, textures, toys, and more.

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