When it comes to the female orgasm, there’s a lot of mystery, negativity, and wrong information surrounding it. You might have heard that they take a long time and are really hard to have. You also might have heard that they have to be mind-blowingly amazing and happen at the same time as your partner. Sure – all of these can be true and you might have experienced some. But it’s only part of the story.
Female orgasms comes in all different shapes, sizes, and strength.
There’s no one right way to orgasm. And what’s the best orgasm ever to one person might be the norm to someone else. As I wrote in a past post:
Not all orgasms are created equal. In fact they come in all different intensities, ranging from a quiet whisper to a full body, roll-over-and-pass-out-immediately, earth shattering release. Click here to read more.
The problem is as women we don’t really talk about our orgasms with other women. It’s so easy to assume that what gets you off also works for everyone. There definitely are some things that work for most (vibrators and oral sex I’m talking to you!). But no one thing works for everyone, every time. This also means that what you like, and what qualifies as the best orgasm to you, can change over time.
Part of what makes orgasms so fun is how much variety there is.
When you talk about your experiences and hear about others’ you realize there are so many different and awesome things that get people off. There are so many new things you can play with and explore. But you have to learn about them first!
This need to talk about the Big O more is exactly what inspired Linda Troeller and Marion Schneider to create Orgasm: Photographs and Interviews. In it, they interviewed 25 women of all different ages, nationalities, and social backgrounds about what turns them on and what gets them off. Here are a few of the things the women used to come:
- A vibrator
- A shower head
- Paint brushes
- A hair brush handle
The women also talked about some things they needed in order to have their orgasm. These included:
- A deep connection with their partner
- Feeling relaxed
- Feeling free
With both of these lists, you probably see some things that surprise you and others that are super familiar. Hopefully some of the surprising ones inspire new fantasies and sexy ideas! The bigger message, and the best thing about sex generally, is that there’s something for everyone.
Self-pleasure is important for orgasm.
The women knew all this because they spent their time exploring and playing with their pleasure. In fact, many had their first and/or strongest orgasm on their own. For some it was intentional: they decided to explore what felt good. For others, it was an oopsie – something felt good and they kept doing and then they came. Some of the women didn’t even recognize their first orgasm for what it was. Believe it or not, this is way more common than you’d think.
The common theme is that you have the power to create your orgasm. It’s something that comes from your body (and brain), not that someone or something else gives you. You create that pleasure. Pretty amazing huh?! To do this though, you need to know what you like and what you don’t. Self-pleasure is one part of that, especially if you already do it regularly. You might also feel more comfortable exploring with your partner. Or doing both.
What ultimately matters for creating a more intimate, adventurous, and satisfying sex life is that you know what brings you to orgasm, you play with and explore new things, and you practice what works, however many times each week is right for you.
9 Questions to Ask Yourself for the Best Orgasm
To learn about the woman’s orgasms, the book’s creators asked them a series of five questions. Writing down your answers to these is a fun way to figure out what you need to have your best orgasm.
1) What does the word orgasm mean to you?
2) Can you remember your first orgasm?
3) Can you remember your strongest orgasm?
4) Do you have fantasies when you create or experience an orgasm?
5) What is the future of orgasm in society/in the world?
Answering these is super helpful if you struggle to orgasm or want stronger, more regular climaxes. Questions 2-3 are extra important because they help you figure out what was happening when you came the first time and the best time. Here are some four more questions to answer as you describe your first and strongest orgasm.