Dreams of Dante: The Feminist Sexpert Interviews Dante Colle

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June 23, 2021

E4Wx2h4VEAMiDWP — Dante Colle (INC.) on Twitter @HippieGQ_

“With rugged good looks, unforgettable on-screen performances, and stellar acting skills, Dante Colle is the performer everyone wants on their set,” reads Dante Colle’s bio. “The sexually fluid adult star is known as hippie in the streets for his RV living, health-centric lifestyle, sense of adventure, flying down the highway on his motorcycle and skydiving, and GQ in the sheets for his ability to envelop any character and still be a professional in bed.”

Well with a description like that, y’all knew that the Feminist Sexpert would be compelled to interview superstar Dante Colle for this week’s edition of The Feminist Sexpert Interviews! Ladies, you’re welcome. You so owe me lunch.

Dante Colle recently won Best Male Performer of the Year from the 2021 AltPorn Awards, winning his debut nomination from that awards program. In addition to winning one of the night’s biggest awards, Dante is the first man to win two, let alone a total of four Male Performer of the Year awards from the Grabbys, Trans Erotica, ALTPorn, and XBIZ Awards–and all in a single year.

Dante has taken home trophies for his scene work, Best Supporting Actor, and Performer of the Year from AVN, GAYVN, XBIZ, Grabbys, AltPorn, TEAs and Straight Up Gay Porn Awards. He’s also scored multiple noms for AVN, XBIZ, XBIZ Cams, GAYVNs, Pornhub, TEAs, Str8UpGayPorn Awards, Grabbys, AltPorn Awards, and Cybersocket Awards. He’s been profiled by AVN, XBIZ, Instinct Magazine, Metro Weekly, and MEAWS and was featured on World of Wonder’s social media. His worldwide fans have seen him in Breaking Glass Pictures’ documentary Pornstar Pandemic: The Guys and Vice TV’s Slutever.

Yet beyond his gorgeous, rebellious image, and all of his accolades as a “Crossover Star” of het, gay, trans and alt porn (he started in the adult industry at age 18 by responding to a Backpages ad for Corbin Fisher and was exclusive for his first four years in the biz), Dante remains a courteous, good-humored gentleman who seems humbled by his success.

“I always just like to give 100 percent to every role I play,” he said. “Every job I do in this business.”

A look at Dante’s most recent scenes reflects the diversity of his career. His latest DVDs are Deeper’s “Cuckold’s Plight 3” and Grooby’s “Daisy Taylor: TS Superstar.” Dante’s latest scenes are Pure Taboo’s “Unqualified” (puretaboo.com/en/video/puretaboo/Unqualified/185990) and Penthouse’s “Rocky Emerson Gets Blackmailed By Her Stepbrother” (penthousegold.com/scenes/rocky-emerson-gets-blackmailed-by-her-stepbrother_vids.html). On June 30th his latest scene for Devil’s Film “Menage A Trans #07 – Casey Kisses & Lauren Phillips” will be available. One of these scenes, “Unqualified,” represents what I as a feminist porn historian call something of a landmark.

Set at a corporate office, the scene focuses on a young man who discovers that he has been hired to sexually satisfy his female boss (Cherie DeVille)–oh, and the female HR officer too (Joanna Angel).

In my history as a feminist porn analyst, I’ve never seen this scenario enacted in a hardcore scene. The Feminist Sexpert hereby demands a sequel.

“(Director and star) Joanna Angel said it was weird, that it was the first scene in which she dominated a guy,” says Dante. “People told her that it wouldn’t sell. I told her that was crazy–it was fun! And the scene is getting a lot of response.”

BurningAngel Entertainment: Joanna Angel’s Dungeon Furniture Emporium

Angel joins an elite group of female hardcore directors that Dante has worked with and truly admires–others include Jacky St. James, Mr. Pam and Kayden Cross–and with woman positive sites that include Lust Cinema and Bellesa Films. And many of his scenes are female-friendly–in the Filthy Femdon scene Shakedown, he plays a vile, sexist boss dominated and punished by Daisy Ducati and Chanel Preston. Kinda like 9 to 5, but hot. And Dante starred in the debut male-focused clip from VR studio VRFanService, in which the viewer can experience a Boyfriend Experience-style date with him.

“I find that a set supervised by a woman director is more calming,” he said. “It’s a different influence. She cares about the story, about making something good.”

Dante also cares about this, and–in spite of his openness about accepting roles in many porn genres–he refuses those that includes elements with which he feels uncomfortable–such as those that involve hard bondage, bodyshaming, anti-gay slurs, etc. Respect rests at the cornerstone of his performance; and he names his favorite performance to date as his role in the life story of Casey Kisses, a noted trans performer and a good friend of his. Adult Time’s Casey: A True Story was directed by Joanna Angel.

“Beyond being a good porn film, it was a good feature film,” he said. “It was Casey’s story.”

Dante Colle (INC.) on Twitter @HippieGQ_

Dante’s story only promises to get better as his star continues to brighten; and, after speaking with him, I can make the unqualified statement that it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. The Feminist Sexpert approves!

Dante Colle recently changed his Twitter, IG and TikTok handles to @hippiegq_. And, fates be thanked, he has an Only Fans at https://onlyfans.com/dante_colle.

Lastly, the man who has broken barriers in the adult industry encourages his fans to do the same in life.

“Don’t let anyone tell you how things should be,” he said. “Don’t let anyone tell you how to lead your life.”

”

Rejection as a Motivator

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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June 23, 2021

pexels-rafael-barros-1841423 — Photo by Rafael Barros from Pexels

What is Rejection?

Rejection is a feeling we generate within ourselves when our targeted prospect appears to rebuff us. But it is the situation that is being turned down, not you. A famous Hollywood actress once joked about the many “rejections” she received before achieving her ultimate success. Of the various roles for which she auditioned, she was, she laughed, “too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, too glamorous, too plain, and on and on.” In other words, she learned that rejection is temporary and situational. In fact, this actress, who is a very “Pretty Woman,” also admitted to having been rejected numerous times by the opposite sex. So you see, everyone on this planet has been rejected by someone, somewhere at some time or other.

In a vast, ever-moving sea of five billion people, your quota of rejection may actually be smaller than you think. According to a couple of Webster’s many definitions of rejection, the word can simply mean “to refuse to take,” or “to decline.”

Do you suppose flowers feel rejected if you don’t pick them? No, they can bask in their beauty whether anyone picks them or not. Do animals at the pet store feel rejected if you are unable to give them a good home? Who knows, but your rejection of the pet does not mean it is an unworthy animal. And most likely, the little animal will attract the right home despite many “rejections.”

Let’s take this definition game a bit further. If we look up “rejection” in Roget’s Thesaurus, we find corresponding terms like “setback” and “reverse.” These are not quite so scary as a downright refusal. Setbacks are only delays, and reverse just means to turn around and keep going until you find the right direction.

Curiously, rejection can be one of your guardian angels. Rejection may be an indicator of wrong timing, the wrong pathway, or the wrong situation for you. Rejection may be fate barring you from an even worse experience than being turned down. Rejection may mean that you’ve been spared a limited partnership with someone who is not quite on your wavelength. Or rejection can be nature’s way of telling you to reassess who you are and what you want.

Rejection In Dating

Rick, a 35-year-old single man, submitted a personal ad with his photo to an internet dating service. While he received both favorable and unfavorable responses, he discovered what the famous actress had learned: a rejection can indicate that it is just not the right time and place for what you are seeking.

“I was too bald for one person and not bald enough for another person; too young or too old,” Rick said, expressing frustration. But he learned something important about rejection: “I began to question where I really fit in; I read magazine articles about other people like myself. I decided I needed to broaden my horizons and interests. The rejections were not about my age and hairstyle. I had to reevaluate how I was presenting myself, and to whom. Maybe my ads weren’t being seen by people compatible with who I am.”

Rejection is a feeling of powerlessness that can make you falsely feel you are not in control. Someone turned you down; the final decision was in their hands. But you are in control; that is the key. As an adult, you have the power to let rejection work for you, not against you.

When you feel rejected, it is nature’s way of telling you to take the power back. Rejection is just a stepping stone to get you from one side of the river to the other, or shall we say, one goal at a time. Rejection can be momentary. The situation may change, or the targeted date may change his/her mind at another time. Rejection is just a healthy signal to move on, for the moment.

What Rejection Is Not

Rejection is not failure.

But a rejection can make you feel that you have failed. It is this feeling of failure which it becomes necessary for us to conquer. Otherwise, a simple turn-down can be blown out of proportion to reality.

The sense of failure you experience may be telling you that you are taking on too much responsibility for the situation. Many reasons exist as to why another person may say “no”, and those reasons are rarely a personal attack on you. Stop and think twice before you let other people’s “cold-shoulder” cause you to feel like an unacceptable human specimen. You don’t know what is going on in their lives. They may already be attached, they may have health or financial problems, they could be moving to another state, they may be afraid of being hurt, they may be unhappy with their job, or their dog could have just died.

Rejection is not a total loss, even though it feels that way at first. We just met the one person who we think is everything we have been looking to find… and to our absolute shock and dismay, that person has the temerity to turn us down. Will we ever meet anyone like this again?

In a world of millions of single people, the possibilities of who you can meet defy imagination, especially as the world grows much smaller through computers and more social mobility. This temporary feeling of loss is a grieving for the intimacy we hoped we had, at last, found. And it slipped through our fingertips by a single “no.”

What did you do wrong? What did you say wrong? Why doesn’t the other person see your compatibility with him or her? While it can be helpful to analyze your appearance or your approach, don’t sweat the small stuff. You met someone in a fleeting moment; it was simply an opportunity that didn’t come to pass. You never lost what you never had. The person or situation simply may not be as compatible as you first thought it to be. And, “the fish that got away” makes room for a whole new school of fish that will swim in your direction.

Rejection is Not Final

You may run into that potential great love again and see each other differently. Why not keep the door open? You never know what can come out of a chance encounter: maybe a friendship or a good business connection.

Suzanne is a cheerful, middle-aged woman who refuses to accept rejection. She follows up until people absolutely slam the door in her face. Eventually one of her rejecters matched her up with his best friend.

“Another man who blew me off in the worst way asked me out a year later,” Suzanne said. “He explained that he hadn’t been ready for anyone like me when we first met; but when he looked me up a year later, we had a great time together.”

Rejection is not a terminal illness unless you make it so in your mind. Rejection is not a stopping point, only a detour. And anyone’s rejection of you is not a finalized evaluation of you or your character. Only you and those close to you can determine that.

Another woman, Kyra, was rejected by a good-looking younger man who lived next door to her best friend Elise. Kyra was not looking or feeling her best before this happened; so she was unconsciously sending out an unpleasant signal to people. She dressed in baggy jeans, seldom wore makeup, and had a perpetual “bad hair day.”

Two weeks later, Kyra visited her friend Elise again, but her appearance and manner had changed. Kyra was feeling better about herself in general and it showed. She and Elise were going out to a concert. So Kyra had taken time to create a fluffy new hairstyle for herself and she had donned an elegant, form-fitting black dress. The young man spotted her again and said “Is that the same woman? I want to go out with her!” Kyra’s outer appearance changed when she felt better about herself.

Moral of the story: “When you feel good on the inside, you want to look good on the outside.” Kyra had invested time and energy in herself. And it was her new self-confidence that attracted the young man.

Real-Life Revelation

Leo is a very successful businessman in the boardroom, but not in the bedroom. Whenever he would see a woman who attracted him, Leo would become a jangle of nerves.

“I would turn to putty inside,” Leo said. “I couldn’t get my words out, and I felt like a blithering idiot.” Leo had to cross over a big gully that we all face, working up the confidence to initiate a conversation. When Leo came to me as a client, I encouraged him to practice by talking with women in the supermarket. Together, Leo and I came up with a few opening lines that were comfortable for him.

For example, since he likes guacamole anyway, I asked him to approach women in the market and ask them: “Can you help me find a ripe avocado, please?” His homework assignment was to ask this question of every female he spotted in the market, whether he was attracted to each woman or not. With practice, Leo became less inhibited and more comfortable chatting with women. In fact, soon he was sharing recipes with several ladies he confronted.

Well, before you know it, Leo progressed from the supermarket to the mall, then the health club, and even to his church. With each scenario, I gave him a new opening line to use over and over again with women until his fear turned to confidence. Leo soon developed the leonine boldness of a lion. He must have been radiating self- assurance, because ironically the woman he is now dating is a lady who first approached him! Leo told me, though, that he would never have been able to maintain a conversation with her if he had not overcome his fear of rejection first.

How To Change Your Perception of Rejection

We put our own attitudes on situations we encounter. While a rejection can be a very real, painful rebuff, it is the meaning we attach to it that matters, not the rejection itself.

Joel is an older man who felt rejected in childhood because his family was poor. He had carried this attitude with him all his life; it affected both his business and social life. Every time anyone so much as hesitated while speaking to him, Joel took it as a personal rejection. In reality, people were quite interested in Joel for himself and his many fine qualities. But because of his “shame” of having once been poor, he wouldn’t even give most people a chance to know him. Joel was rejecting them, even though he thought other people were rebuffing him.

We all encounter early rejections in childhood; the secret is to learn that this is a part of life. Rejection is part of the selection process in getting ahead, or finding the right path, or finding the right love.

Perhaps one of the worst shocks about rejection is to be turned down for having qualities you deem worthy in a relationship: kindness, thoughtfulness, humor, loving, and giving. You open up and express these sterling characteristics, and are passed over for someone with lesser gifts. Anyone who rejects you at your best cannot open to the best. The rejection is not the loss it appears to be. You do not have to stop being you. It is possible for you to be cautious without giving up spontaneity and generosity, and to be attractive without being flamboyant.

A major real estate company teaches its sales personnel to regard rejection as “not enough communication.” To broaden this concept, the reject-or and the reject-ee may not have communicated with sincerity or positive reinforcement. One or the other, or both, may not know how to say what they mean, or may need to learn new self- expression skills.

Body language is important, and it can be a fun exercise to take note of “body talk.” People “talk” with their hands, their eyes, their eyebrows, and their head movements. Think about what you are communicating by the way you talk, listen, stand, or sit. Voice tones and facial expressions are our best cues as to what is really being communicated. If you detect both a “yes” and a “no” by the other person’s manner, draw that person out with a positive statement about their self-expression.

You could simply say, “I’m enjoying this; could we talk more sometime?” Then, if one of you doesn’t reach the other, perhaps you will another time. Learn from the encounter.

With each rejection, you can only move closer to success. Whether you are selling real estate or selling yourself as life-partner potential, before you “close” that major deal you will have greeted many lookey-loos.

How to Move Beyond Rejection

Practice makes perfect.

What you can glean from rejection experiences can give you a confidence unlike any you have ever experienced. How you handle the rejection can be a powerful exercise in mastering any runaway emotions that get stirred up within you.

Do you feel worthless after being rejected? If so, how could you take charge over your feelings and handle the situation differently?

A middle-aged woman named Jessica was once painfully rejected by a man who had had a bad day, and he chose her to “dump on.” Jessica felt like a discarded rag afterward. Challenging herself to “just come out ahead,” she wrote the man a letter expressing her regret at their miscommunication and the poor timing. She laid out her intentions and honest motives. Jessica also pointed out that his unkind, exaggerated viewpoint of her was not quite true. The letter had a calm, non-threatening, easygoing tone. She did not even expect a response.

“I wrote him the letter just to end the situation on a positive note,” she said. The man called her right after he got the letter and apologized, expressing more civil behavior and a great appreciation for Jessica’s thoughtful letter to him.

If the pain of any rejection is stronger than it should be for the experience, then bring the pain all up and work it out of your system. Don’t be afraid to feel old wounds. Go off by yourself, or go to a close friend or relative, and let the ill pain overwhelm you until you can clearly see what that pain is trying to tell you. Emotional pain can be an ally if you let it “talk” to you.

Darlene, a 44-year-old entrepreneur, is a good case in point. She felt horribly rejected after learning her college friend Henry and his family had been in town and not looked her up. “I gave myself all kinds of rejection slips,” she said. “He thinks I’m not on his social level, I’m not on his business level, I don’t have kids and he does, I’m a vegetarian and he isn’t.” As you can see, Darlene was really fishing deep for rejection excuses.

“I cried for days, went to my therapist. When it finally dawned on me that I was creating a monster out of nothing, I realized what really hurt. I had known Henry during the best years of my life. We had been young and carefree, and I missed that time in my life. Another college friend of ours had recently died, and I was grasping to hold on to Henry even though we were not close.”

Darlene called Henry when he returned to his home 2,500 miles away from where she lived. She conveyed how she missed seeing him and would liked to have taken him and his family to dinner. Henry explained to her that on his vacations, he and his family had an iron-clad agreement to spend all their quality time together because their home life was so busy and hectic. He would loved to have seen her otherwise, but he kept his family vacations strictly for family only.

This cleared the air for Darlene who got an honest answer and could let go of her “too sentimental” college feelings that had not been brought up-to-date. “My feelings just didn’t fit the situation,” Darlene said. “They were blocking me socially all the way around.”

Working through outworn feelings is more comfortable in the long run than carrying old wounds confusedly around within you. If you have a cut on your hand, you can do one of three things:

1) leave it alone and it will heal on its own,

2) care for the injury with ointment and band aids and it will heal faster, or

3) pick at the wound and it will never heal.

Emotional wounds are no different. Harboring and picking at those old, stale hurts just keep them recycling through your system where they eventually manifest as illness. What’s more, they can send a red flag to other people that you feel rejected, even when you truly accept yourself and all you are.

Once you’ve expunged a deep-seated emotional wound or misplaced sentiment, then reward yourself by moving on to the next prospects. After a while, rejection may become a motivator, not a deterrent to your progress in everlasting love.

Am I Bisexual? My First Ever Girl-Girl Bisexual Experience

By

Kinky Leather Girl

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June 22, 2021

For as long as I can remember I’ve had sexual fantasies about women. Even as a teenage virgin I would fantasize about lesbian sex, or threesomes with a girl and a guy. They were hot, but I never labelled myself as bisexual. Mainly, despite my many fantasies, the occasional flirtation with gay girls, and a couple of drunken kisses with my friends, I had never been even close to being with a woman.

Did I Miss Out?

I got into a long-term relationship with a guy when I was 21. I had no idea that when I met him that I would end up marrying him. And that those few years before I met him would be all the time I had to experiment. Had I missed out? Should I have had more sex with men, been with a girl, maybe had a threesome before I settled down? Maybe so.

The fantasies didn’t stop just because I was married, but it wasn’t something I dwelled on or really talked about with anyone. Maybe in a healthier relationship it could have been something we discussed, and it could have been hot to experiment together. But that wasn’t an option for us. I know he would have been shocked and would not have reacted well if I told him I wanted to experiment with girls, or even have a threesome which for many guys would be their number 1 fantasy.

No-One Knows I’m A Lesbian

When a friend picked out a T-shirt for me when out shopping with the slogan ‘No one knows I’m a lesbian’ I found it funny. How did she know? Maybe she just sensed it.

My marriage fell apart in my early thirties. And I finally found myself free to do whatever I wanted again. I could see who I wanted, have sex with who I wanted, and I felt liberated. However, when I started dating again it was still only with men. I would occasionally switch the settings on tinder to show me both men and women, and I would look at the profiles of girls near me. But I didn’t have the confidence to swipe right.

I guess I was nervous. As a teenager I was very shy and pretty useless around men. Most of my sexual experiences had been awkward or I was drunk. But now I was much more confident in myself, and having plenty of great sex with men. With women I felt like I was starting over. Would I do it right? Would I like the taste of pussy? Would they be able to tell I’d never done it before? And for a while I suppose I found it easier to stick to what I knew I was good at.

I was tempted by offers of threesomes by kinky couples, but never quite had the courage to go through with it. I would go to gay bars with friends, and chat away to queer girls, some of whom were in open relationships with guys, and their lifestyle appealed to me. But nothing sexual ever happened. I began to wonder if I was just bi-curious and if I would ever actually have to confidence to just go for it.

Am I Bisexual? Butterflies In My Stomach

I’d been single about 18 months by the time I eventually matched with any girls on tinder. Just as with guys, I would chat a bit but often nothing would come from it. When I finally set up a meeting with Sarah in a cocktail bar, I got butterflies in my stomach. I was really doing this.

Sarah seemed the perfect match for me. She was bi-sexual and in a relationship with a guy. But he was cool with her seeing women. I was hesitant to date girls who wanted a relationship as I wasn’t sure what I wanted and didn’t want to lead anyone on. I had no idea what was in store for our first date, but I shaved everything, just in case!

I waited nervously in the bar, I’d bought her a drink, she was late. I wondered for a minute if I was going to be stood up. But 20 minutes later she rushed through the doors flustered and apologizing. She was cute. The conversation seemed to flow, and it was nice. I was quite new in town and hadn’t many girlfriends. If anything, hopefully I could just make a friend. I wasn’t sure exactly how to tell if she fancied me, or how this could progress to something else. But when she leaned over and brushed my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear, I felt a little rush of chemistry.

Hookup in the Ladies Bathroom

Shortly after she said she needed the toilet and asked if I wanted to go with her. I wasn’t sure if she just wanted some girly company or if she had something naughtier in mind. But I agreed. The bar was fancy and the toilets were downstairs in the basement. Dark, and beautifully styled, with flowers between the washbasins, it wasn’t the usual gross public restroom you encounter, it was quite sexy. I could tell by now that she definitely was into me, and after 3 or 4 drinks I was relaxed enough to just got for it.

Once the restroom was empty, she kissed me. It felt strange kissing someone so much shorter than me! It was a great kiss, and I kissed her back pushing her up against the washbasins. But then she took charge and took my hand, taking me into one of the stalls and locking the door. She told me to sit, which I did, and she pulled down my panties…

I totally hadn’t expected my first bisexual experience to be sex in a public restroom! But it was so hot! Although having to be quiet when others came in was a struggle. So, a few days later I invited her around my place so we could do our thing without holding back. Needless to say, the worries that I had beforehand were totally unfounded.

Am I Bisexual?

Am I bisexual? Yes. It’s not something I feel I need to tell everybody about. Each person’s journey is different and I still don’t really feel the need to label myself or ‘come out’ to every person I meet. However, if anyone asks, I’m totally open about it and happy to share my experiences.

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Do you wonder, “Am I bisexual?”. Visit the Biresource for more bisexual resources.

“Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It may also be defined as romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity, which is also known as pansexuality.”— Wikipedia

Love Economics: 12 Steps to Recovering After a Break Up

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

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June 21, 2021

pexels-fernando-cabral-3554374 — Photo by Fernando Cabral from Pexels

What Is Love Economics?

Love Economics is a new terminology for analyzing the benefits of love and relationships. For example, the benefits of a relationship include emotional, physical, social, and materialistic needs. Using the theory of Love Economics, dating and relationship problems can be analyzed and solved by using a more pragmatic approach. The advantage is that decisions will be based more on logic rather than on emotion.

Before committing to a new relationship, a Love Economist will make it perfectly clear that he/she won’t neglect their social portfolio of personal friends. This decision could save a lot of embarrassment should they break up with their love interest.

A Love Economics major will limit their emotional cost at all times to protect their own expenditure. This philosophy doesn’t work for everyone, especially when going through something as dramatic as a breakup. Whether you are breaking up from a relationship or going through a divorce it’s inevitable that you will feel emotional pain. No amount of Love Economics or pragmatism is going to protect you from experiencing the lows that only humans can relate to. After all, experiencing love can make you feel the most jubilant and satisfying emotions while losing love can make you feel the most devastating feelings of sadness and pain.

12 Steps to Recovering After a Break Up

The following 12 steps are the most effective way to handle, heal, recover, and raise your self-esteem so that you can move on with your life in a positive and productive manner after a breakup.

First write down how it would make you feel to never see that person again.
Then make two columns and write down the pros and cons of your relationship. See which list is the longest.
If the relationship has been a long one, a mostly good one, and you care about the other person’s feelings, begin to taper the amount of time you spend with each other.
Connect or reconnect with people who make you feel good when you are with them.
Take up activities that will take your mind off your declining relationship and increase your self-worth and confidence.
Learn valuable lessons from your past experiences. Write down what you have you learned about yourself and what you would do differently? This is important because you don’t want to repeat negative patterns. Relationships end when they are supposed to. There are no mistakes in life, only lessons.
Do not mourn your break-up, blame or punish yourself. Do not drive your family and friends crazy by constantly talking about your woes. Instead, recognize and list all the wonderful qualities that you have to offer someone; acknowledge all your accomplishments, big and small.
Take a gratitude moment every day for all the good things in your life and thank the Universe for all that you have.
The best revenge is “happiness” so make a commitment to do at least three things that make you happy every day.
Imagine that you are “Ten Times Bolder” than you were before; take fun risks and don’t miss out on opportunities. Have no regrets.
Celebrate the beginning of a new phase in your life with a positive attitude and buy yourself a gift or go out to dinner with friends to signify a celebration. Reward yourself! You are valuable and if you treat yourself as a valuable person, so will others.
Don’t shut love out by saying “It’s impossible to find.” Open up your heart to new possibilities. The quickest way to receive love is to give it.

These Techniques Will Teach You How to:

Attract potential soul mates.
Conquer your fears of rejection.
Enhance self-worth.
Take control of your own needs by focusing on your inner power.
Find and maintain everlasting love.

What To Expect Of Your Erections As You Age

By

Dr. Andrew Siegel

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June 18, 2021

what to expect Andrew Siegel — Men's Sexual Health

It is shocking how ill prepared we are for aging. Nobody informs us of exactly what to expect with the process, so we just sit back and observe the changes as they unfold, dealing with them as best we can. Although educational books are available on many topics regarding other expected experiences, such as “What To Expect When You’re Expecting,” I have yet to see “The Manual of Man,” explaining the changes we might expect to experience as time goes on. Some day I wish to author a book like that, but for the time being I will blog about what to anticipate with male sexual function as time relentlessly marches on.

“But the wheel of time turns, inexorably. True rigidity becomes a distant memory; the refractory period of sexual indifference after climax increases; the days of coming are going. Sexually speaking, men drop out by the wayside. By 65, half of all men are, to use a sporting metaphor, out of the game; as are virtually all ten years later, without resort to chemical kick-starting.”

Tom Hickman

God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis

Aging can be unkind, and Father Time does not spare your sexual function. Although erectile dysfunction (ED) is not inevitable, with each passing decade, there is an increasing likelihood. Present in some form in 40% of men by age 40 years, for each decade thereafter an additional 10% join the ED club. All aspects of sexuality decline, although libido (sexual interest and drive) suffers the least depreciation, leading to a swarm of men with eager “big heads” and apathetic “little heads,” a most frustrating combination indeed.

With aging often comes less sexual activity, and with less sexual activity often comes disuse atrophy, in which the penis actually becomes smaller. Additionally, with aging there is often weight gain, and with weight gain comes a generous fat distribution in the pubic area, which will make the penis appear shorter. With aging also comes scrotal laxity and testicles that hang down loosely, like the pendulous breasts of an older woman. Many of my older patients relate that when they sit on the toilet, their scrotum touches the toilet water. So, the penis shrinks and the testicles hang low like those of an old hound dog…Time and gravity can be cruel conspirators!

So, what can you expect of your sexual function as you age? I have broken this down by decade with the understanding that these are general trends and that you as an individual may well vary quite a bit from others in your age group, depending upon your genetics, lifestyle, luck and other factors. There are 30- year old men who have sexual issues and 80-year old men who are veritable “studs,” so age per se is not the ultimate factor.

You may wonder about the means by which I was able to craft this guide. I was able to do so through more than 25 years spent deep in the urology trenches, working the front line with thousands of patient interactions. My patients have been among my most important teachers and have given me a wealth of information that is not to be found in medical textbooks or journals, nor taught in medical school or during urology residency. Furthermore, I am a 50-something year-old man, keenly observant of the subtle changes that I have personally witnessed, but must report that I am still holding my own!

Age 18-30

Your sexual appetite is prodigious and sex often occupies the front burners of your mind. It requires very little stimulation to achieve an erection—even the wind blowing the right way might just be enough to stimulate a rigid, gravity-defying erection, pointing proudly at the heavens. The sight of an attractive woman, the smell of her perfume, merely the thought of her can arouse you fully. You get erections even when you don’t want them…if there was only a way to bank these for later in life! You wake up in the middle of the night sporting a rigid erection. When you climax, the orgasm is intense and you are capable of ejaculating an impressive volume of semen forcefully with an arc-like trajectory, a virtual comet shooting across the horizon. When you arise in the morning from sleep, it is not just you that has arisen, but also your penis that has become erect in reflex response to your full bladder, which can make emptying your bladder quite the challenge, with the penis pointing up when you want to direct its aim down towards the toilet bowl.

It doesn’t get better than this…you are an invincible king… a professional athlete at the peak of his career! All right, maybe not invincible…you do have an Achilles heel…you may sometimes ejaculate prematurely because you are so hyper-excitable and sometimes in a new sexual situation you have performance anxiety, a mechanical failure brought on by the formidable mind-body correction, your all-powerful mind dooming the capabilities of your perfectly normal genital plumbing.

Age 30-40

Things start to change ever so slowly, perhaps even so gradually that you barely even notice them. Your sex drive remains vigorous, but it is not quite as obsessive and all consuming as it once was. You can still get quality erections, but they may not occur as spontaneously, as frequently, or with such little provocation as they did in the past. You may require some touch stimulation to develop full rigidity. You still wake up in the middle of the night with an erection and experience “morning wood.” Ejaculations and orgasms are hardy, but you may notice some subtle differences, with your “rifle” being a little less powerful and of smaller caliber. The time it takes to achieve another erection after ejaculating increases. You are that athlete in the twilight of his career, seasoned and experienced, and the premature ejaculation of yonder years is much less frequent an occurrence.

Age 40-50

After age 40, changes become more obvious. You are still interested in sex, but not nearly with the passion you had two decades earlier. You can usually get a pretty good quality erection, but it now often requires tactile stimulation and the rock-star rigidity of years gone by gives way to a nicely firm penis, still suitable for penetration. The gravity-defying erections don’t have quite the angle they used to. At times you may lose the erection before the sexual act is completed. You notice that orgasms have lost some of their kick and ejaculation has become a bit feebler than previous. Getting a second erection after climax is not only difficult, but also may be something that you no longer have any interest in pursuing. All in all though, you still have some game left.

Age 50-60

Sex is still important to you and your desire is still there, but is typically diminished. Your erection can still be respectable and functional, but is not the majestic sight to behold that it once was, and touch is necessary for full arousal. Nighttime and morning erections become few and far between. The frequency of intercourse declines while the frequency of prematurely losing the erection before the sexual act is complete increases. Your orgasms are definitely different with less intensity of your climax, and at times, it feels like nothing much happened—more “firecracker” than “fireworks.” Ejaculation has become noticeably different—the volume of semen is diminished and you question why you are “drying up.” At ejaculation, the semen seems to dribble with less force and trajectory; your “high-caliber rifle” is now a “blunt-nosed handgun.” Getting a second erection after climax is difficult, and you have much more interest in going to sleep rather than pursuing a sexual encore. Sex is no longer a sport, but a recreational activity…sometimes just reserved for the weekends.

Age 60-70

“Sexagenarian” is bit of a misleading word…this is more apt a term for the 18-30 year-old group, because your sex life doesn’t compare to theirs…they are the athletes and you the spectators. Your testosterone level has plummeted over the decades, probably accounting for your diminished desire. Erections are still obtainable with some coaxing and coercion, but they are not five star erections, more like three stars, suitable for penetration, but not the flagpole of yonder years. They are less reliable, and at times your penis suffers with attention deficit disorder, unable to focus and losing its mojo prematurely, unable to complete the task at hand. Spontaneous erections, nighttime, and early morning erections become rare occurrences. Climax is, well, not so climactic and explosive ejaculations are a matter of history. At times, you think you climaxed, but are unsure because the sensation was so un-sensational. Ejaculation may consist of a few drops of semen dribbling out of the end of the penis. Your “rifle” has now become a child’s plastic “water pistol.” Seconds?…thank you no …that is reserved for helpings on the dinner table! Sex is no longer a recreational activity, but an occasional amusement.

Age 70-80

When asked about his sexual function, my 70-something-year-old patient replied: “Retired…and I’m really upset that I’m not even upset.”

You may still have some remaining sexual desire left in you, but it’s a far cry from the fire in your groin you had when you were a younger man. With physical coaxing, your penis can at times be prodded to rise to the occasion, like a cobra responding to the beck and call of the flute of the snake charmer. The quality of your erections has noticeably dropped, with penile fullness without that rigidity that used to make penetration such a breeze. At times, the best that you can do is to obtain a partially inflated erection that cannot penetrate, despite pushing, shoving and manipulating every which way. Spontaneous erections have gone the way of the 8-track player. Thank goodness for your discovery that even a limp penis can be stimulated to orgasm, so it is still possible for you to experience sexual intimacy and climax, although the cli-“max” is more like a cli-“min.” That child’s “water pistol”…it’s barely got any water left in the chamber.

Age 80-90

You are now a member of a group that has an ever-increasing constituency—the ED club. Although you as an octogenarian may still be able to have sex, most of your brethren cannot; however, they remain appreciative that at least they still have their penises to use as spigots, allowing them to stand to urinate, a distinct competitive advantage over the womenfolk. (But even this plus is often compromised by the aging prostate gland, wrapped around the urinary channel like a boa constrictor, making urination a challenging chore.) Compounding the problem is that your spouse is no longer a spring chicken. Because she been post-menopausal for many years, she has a significantly reduced sex drive and vaginal dryness, making sex downright difficult, if not impossible. If you are able to have sex on your birthday and anniversary, you are doing much better than most. To quote one of my octogenarian patients in reference to his penis: “It’s like walking around with a dead fish.”

Age 90-100

To quote the comedian George Burns: “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

You are grateful to be alive and in the grand scheme of things, sex is low on the list of priorities. You can live vicariously through pleasant memories of your days of glory that are lodged deep in the recesses of your mind, as long as your memory holds out! Penis magic has gone the way of defeated phallus syndrome. So, when and if you get an erection, you never want to waste it!

Wishing you the best of health,

Andrew Siegel, M.D.

www.AndrewSiegelMD.com

Private Gym website for pelvic floor instructional DVD and resistance training equipment

www.PrivateGym.com

Power of Positive Attitude for Happier Relationships

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

June 18, 2021

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What is a Positive Attitude?

Positive attitude is the latent power you have within you to bring about what you want. It is your own personal “happy face” designed just for you.

A positive attitude is your ally; it is on your side no matter what. That’s the reason you decide to look for it and adopt it. Think of that happy face as an animated character that jumps into your arms and looks admiringly up at you, longing to bring you a brighter outlook. That happy face wants to make you happy, not just lift you up.

The beneficial side of any unhappy circumstance is there, you only have to find it, extract it, and put it to work for you. You don’t have to remain stuck in a negative reaction to any situation. You have the power to change it.

Positive Attitude Leads to Love

Let’s take a look at how one 26-year-old young man discovered “positive attitude” before he even knew what to call it. Jeff had just begun dating an elegant woman named Jeanne, but to his heartbreak, he soon learned she still had feelings for another man in her past. “Jeanne was a beautifully sensitive woman, very feminine,” Jeff said. “I longed for a relationship with her. But when I realized she wasn’t over her past love, my feelings were hurt, my ego was deflated, you name it: I was in the pits. If I had kept dwelling on Jeanne’s past love and our lack of a future together, I would probably have manifested an empty life for myself,” Jeff reasoned. “So, almost as an experiment, I began to think about Jeanne and me as a couple, a team. I visualized her going forward with me, and giving up her unhappy past.

“I did this out of desperation; I wasn’t particularly focusing on trying to be positive, but that’s the way it came out. I knew Jeanne and I had a shot at something good, and it was worth a little effort.”

Jeff discovered by accident what positive-attitude lectures have been trying to teach us for decades. Jeff drew on that one spark of mutual confidence hidden within a potentially static situation. He got into the spirit of thinking bigger; he did not accept the miserable barrier that was looming between him and Jeanne.

“I wanted her to see me in the present moment,” Jeff said. “I drew my confidence from a character in American Graffiti. This guy in the film spots a pretty girl and wants to go out with her, but she’s already dating someone far away at another high school. So he bravely smiles and says to her, ‘Hey, if you ever get tired of going steady with a guy who’s not around, I’m up for grabs.’

“That scene fit me and Jeanne, in a way. I kept reminding Jeanne that I was there in the flesh, the other guy wasn’t calling or coming around anymore. Little by little, I distracted Jeanne with my attention to her. I helped her give up her sadness over the man who was gone.”

Jeff became excited when he made a further discovery, and laughed, “But you know, I think I was really teaching myself how to have a positive attitude just as much as I was teaching Jeanne. It was worth the investment, I figured. If all else failed, at least I would learn how to be bolder and take positive steps toward a goal I wanted.

“As it turned out, Jeanne responded in my favor and our prospects for a future together are looking good. But if Jeanne had chosen to keep mourning her lost love, I think I would have reached a point of saying, ‘well, if she can’t move on, maybe I better move away from her’.” As we’ve discovered through Jeff’s experience, positive attitude is an opportunity to react favorably. It literally is a choice we decide to make.

Look up at the Sky

We can look down at the ground and become deflated over the events in our lives, or we can look up at the vast sky and think, “There are as many solutions and possibilities as there are stars in the universe.”

What Positive is Not

Positive attitude is not a forced buoyancy. It doesn’t mean you have to go around feeling like Little Miss Mary Sunshine or Jack Be Nimble. You don’t have to be elated all the time to be positive. You don’t have to do back flips.

Take it from Gloria who unearthed a positive attitude in the midst of her “daily blahs.” As Gloria tells it, “I go around in a depressing mood half the time, for no particular reason. Maybe I don’t feel well, or I’m just generally bored.

“One day I put on a positive-attitude tape, with absolutely no intention of carefully listening to it; I just wanted the background noise while I was cleaning up. The tape told me about new ways to look at old situations, and it must have sunk in. I talked myself out of feeling bored. I felt an urge to put on a “new face” and go out around people, just mingle. So, I called a girlfriend of mine and we went to church later that morning. Lo and behold, a young, single, substitute minister named Chris was there and he and I clicked; maybe because I had forgotten to carry my ‘daily blahs’ with me. Chris and I are becoming friends and who knows what may happen. He even likes it when I’m a little melancholy; it gives him a chance to joke with me.”

Positive attitude is not hoping-against-hope. But being positive does mean that you can take your “divine discontentment” and use it as a springboard to a better lifestyle that does bring you contentment.

Hoping and wishing won’t get you there, though. But being certain within yourself that you can be a loving and happy person is taking a positive action. Changing your attitude is action; hoping is merely daydreaming. You “hope” he or she will call, you “hope” he or she will ask you out.

What can you do though to move the process along? Well, you can put him or her on the back burner and go out with someone else; let your answer machine do the waiting for you. That is positive attitude, taking action and not merely hoping. Looking to see the built-in solution in any problem constitutes a positive action, one that causes you to think and act creatively. And creative thinking will yield positive results and that will give you confidence. “Hoping” will only bring you a passive feeling of helplessness unless you take affirmative action in your mind.

Real-Life Revelation: How to Create a Positive Attitude

“Ya gotta put your behind in the past.” This hilarious wisecrack, from a bumbling animated character in the Disney film “The Lion King” is as true as it is funny. Whether you put your past behind you, or put your behind in the past, the message is the same: resolve it, turn your back on it, and live in the confidence of a new day.

Mowing down those overgrown mind weeds of past relationship “failures” clears the field for a new and better crop of romantic notions. You haven’t forgotten how to be romantic just because you’ve been a little beaten down in the dating game or in a stale partnership. By resolving to start fresh daily, you can grow only positive thoughts; that is, thoughts that make you feel good about yourself in a relationship regardless of the past. What you did or did not do in past involvements cannot be changed. What can be changed is the attitude you carry with you in your search for everlasting love. You can choose to view the past differently for starters. Look back and mentally change the outcome of an involvement that went wrong.

That’s what Mark did. “I carried around a lot of hurt and guilt over my failed marriage,” Mark said. “But I got tired of thinking myself a failure, just because I was young and ignorant when I married. So I reran the marriage in my mind. I imagined how I would have done things differently had I, and my wife, been more mature. Once I did this, I felt okay and I thought, ‘Gee, I can have a good relationship; it’s not so terrifying’.”

A friend of mine, Bob, changed his self-perception when he was 30 and had gained much wisdom about himself in relation to other people. He wanted to let go of the selfish boy he had been in the past, and really learn to relate one-on-one.

“I wrote out a whole soliloquy about the new person I was becoming,” Bob said. “And I ended it by having my ‘old self’ say to my ‘new self,’ ‘Old Bob has moved and he didn’t leave a forwarding address; New Bob, you can’t go back to him’.”

Positive Affirmation

Positive attitude is about living for today and creating a new “head set” for a more fulfilling future. One of my favorite affirmations is so simple because it doesn’t antagonize the mind.

Write down what you want to occur in your life, using this thought: “It’s just possible that _________ can happen.” Fill in that blank and see how easy it is.

“It’s just possible that I can be happy and grow in a relationship; that can happen.”

“It’s just possible that everlasting love can happen to me.”

“It’s just possible that true love can happen.”

This affirmation is exciting to me because it focuses on possibilities, not limitations. And it is wide open; you can fill in that blank with as many things as you desire your mind to accept. No matter what restrictions you imposed or encountered in the past, this affirmation can help you move past them and design a new relationship- life.

Creating a positive attitude in yourself is just one side of the coin though. The other side is creating a positive attitude in the people you encounter. No, you cannot change other people. But you can change the way you view them, and they will most likely respond to your positive notions. Visualize the good in other people, no matter how offensive they may appear to you. No, you don’t have to put up with offensive behavior; that’s not what we are talking about here. You are using your visualization power for them, just as you use it for yourself.

Picture, imagine, and absorb yourself in how you want that person to be in your presence. Imagine a favorable outcome when talking with that person. Extract that person’s positive qualities and enhance them in your mind. If nothing else, you will have opened a door for dialogue. And who knows, that “negative” person may just become very positive by being around you.

How to Maintain a Positive Attitude

Practice not only makes perfect, it perfects what it makes.

Try a little experiment, just to keep you on the positive track. For five minutes each day, close the mental doors on every negative thought that comes into your mind. After a month, you will have conditioned yourself to automatically shut out thoughts that tear you down.

For instance, if you meet someone you would like to know better and your mind says “you’ll never have a chance,” stop the thought right there. Replace it with “I am worthy to know that person better; I have the confidence to socialize with that person.”

Changing your attitude, on an ongoing basis, is a powerful proposition. Be prepared for the deluge of hot dates, good friends, and everlasting relationships that can come into your life if you build up positive thoughts, and believe them!

One man I know, Charles, found the love of his life, Sara, by simply saying every day: “I want a woman who will try to understand me and who will allow me to understand her.” This is what he wanted, this is what he believed, and this is what he found. “Not only do Sara and I understand each other more and more deeply as we interact, but we carry what we’ve learned together into our business lives. We attempt to understand and accept the many kinds of people who frequent the small market we own and manage,” Charles said. “I’d say we have a large number of repeat customers because we take a few moments just to walk-in-their-moccasins.”

Positive Affirmations for Self-Love

Another exercise in positive attitude is to look in the mirror and tell yourself what you want to hear. This is especially powerful if you live alone and don’t get enough compliments from other people. Give those compliments to yourself. That person in the mirror is the most important person you will ever know; his or her opinion is really all that matters in the long run.

Remember, it is always futile to try to control another person. You wind up either chasing rainbows or chewing up your fingernails in chronic anxiety. The only thing you can ever control for certain is your reaction to any situation.

For instance, if a lover dumps you for someone else, don’t dwell on it ad-nauseam. Let someone else put up with your erstwhile lover, and think of how lucky you are to be free to find someone better.

Successful thought patterns, like everything in life that endures, are built up slowly, one by one. Take control over your “failure” thoughts. Visualize what you want until you believe in it, and go for it! After all, it is successful thoughts that motivate us; depressing thoughts stop us in our tracks.

Each moment is precious to you in your search for everlasting love. You can’t afford the luxury of a depressed mind if you want a fulfilling partnership.

Say to yourself each evening: “What did I do with my beautiful day today that will guide me closer to the love I want.” You’ll be surprised how creative your mind can become in searching out that right partner.

What is a Sexual Surrogate? Surrogate Partner Therapy

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

June 16, 2021

pexels-dainis-graveris-3773667 — Photo by Dainis Graveris from Pexels

There is so much confusion about Sexual Surrogates that I want to clarify some of the myths. Some people think that Sex Therapists, Sexologists, and Sex Counselors are Surrogates, but they are not. However, they can refer their patients to Sexual Surrogates if they believe that it will be therapeutically beneficial. Then the surrogate works closely with therapist and patient in a “triangular” arrangement that focuses on specific goals.

What is Surrogate Partner Therapy?

“Surrogate Partner Therapy is a form of therapy based on the successful methods of Masters and Johnson. In this therapy, a client, a therapist, and a surrogate partner form a three-person therapeutic team who together work to understand and resolve difficulties that a client is experiencing in their lives. The surrogate participates with the client in structured and unstructured experiences that are designed to build client self-awareness and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy. These therapeutic experiences include partner work in relaxation, effective communication, sensual and sexual touching, and social skills training. Each program is designed to increase the client’s knowledge, skills, and comfort.

As the days pass, clients find themselves becoming more relaxed, more open to feelings, and more comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy. The involvement of the team therapist, a licensed and/or certified professional with an advanced degree, is a cornerstone of this therapy process. Clients often experience apprehension as they begin therapy and when they begin to experience changes. The team therapist assists the client with these and other emotional issues. Sessions with the therapist are interwoven with the surrogate partner sessions in order to facilitate understanding and change. Open, honest, consistent communication between all team members is a fundamental ingredient of successful surrogate partner therapy.”–From: https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/what-is-surrogate-partner-therapy

Who Needs Surrogate Partner Therapy?

“The problems that motivate clients to seek Surrogate Partner Therapy range from general anxiety in social situations to specific sexual dysfunctions.

Concerns for any gender might result from one of the following:

Negative body image or physical disfigurement
Medical conditions
Sexual, physical, or emotional abuse and/or trauma (rape or incest, for instance)
Intimacy issues
Phobias and anxieties
Unresolved relationship trauma
Confusion about sexual orientation
Lack of social or sexual self-confidence.

Sexual concerns may include:

Orgasmic inhibition
Genital or pelvic pain
Avoidance of physical and/or emotional intimacy
Lack of experience due to anxious avoidance.

Common sexual issues for male clients include:

Erection difficulties (ED)
Rapid ejaculation (PE)
Ejaculatory inhibition.

Female clients’ sexual issues might include:

Vaginismus (involuntary contraction of vaginal muscles resulting in painful penetration)
Vulvodynia
Limited or non-existent orgasms

Clients of any gender may seek therapy to address problems relating to:

Fear and avoidance of sexual and emotional intimacy
Lack of relationship experience
Shame or anxiety regarding sex
Low arousal or lack of sexual desire”

From: https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/what-is-surrogate-partner-therapy

There are two primary plans for this Sex Surrogate Therapy:

Open-ended Therapy:

The patient sees the surrogate on average once a week, in one to two hour sessions, until the surrogate, therapist, and patient decides that the therapy is completed. An average length of surrogate partner therapy seems to cover thirty to fifty hours.

2. Intensive Therapy:

Structured to help patients who are from out of town, have a deadline such as an upcoming nuptial, or simply do not have a local therapist and surrogate team. The patient sees their therapist and surrogate on a daily basis for a prearranged length of time, which can be anywhere from one week to one month.

Qualities of a Sexual Surrogate

To become a Sexual Surrogate, experience in nursing, psychology, social work, or alternative therapy are useful, but more importantly, people who possess “mature sexuality” and “emotional stability” make the best candidates.

The IPSA is a non-profit education corporation that offers training for individuals wishing to become surrogate partners and for therapists wishing to learn to work with surrogates. IPSA offers referrals for therapists seeking trained, ethical, professional surrogate partners, and for clients seeking therapists who have experience and skill in working with surrogate partners. IPSA also offers continuing education opportunities for surrogate partners and therapists.

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The Power of Forgiveness for Better Self-Love

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

June 14, 2021

pexels-jasmine-carter-888894 — Photo by Jasmine Carter from Pexels

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is giving to yourself.

It is a gift for you on your pathway to everlasting love, one that can help you clear up emotional wounds which may be hampering your success in finding and holding the right partner.

Forgiveness means to free up those hurts inside you. Then you can breathe that clear, heady, elevated air of emotional freedom. And that’s when you become open to the partner who is truly right for you.

As a popular spiritual teacher puts it, “forgiveness is necessary in igniting the spark of love.”

Forgiveness is release. The word “forgive” literally means “to give up,” “to give away.” Forgiveness is a form of unburdening, removing emotional clutter that can keep you blocked from experiencing everlasting love. Forgiveness can lead to emotional freedom and that can lead to change. And it is your life that you want to change.

Forgiveness is about uncovering hurts rather than denying they are there. Forgiveness has to do with acknowledging all those creepy crawly feelings that block you from your joy.

A Weekly Forgiveness Exercise

One simple exercise is to forgive yourself each week for the mistakes you made. Set aside a few minutes to review what went wrong, and how you might better have handled the situation.

A friend of mine, Jane, has learned to stop wasting her time blaming others for what they have done to her. Instead, she opens up her weekly forgiveness ritual with something like this: “I forgive myself for going out on a blind date and expecting love-at-first-sight,” or “I forgive myself for putting up with a man who belittled me.” By forgiving herself in this manner, she remains focused on her needs rather than what is lacking in the other person. As Jane says: “When I release my resentments this way each week, it clears me up inside. I don’t hear that rumble of anger underneath my breath anymore. And it helps me to stay focused on me and my expectations.”

Forgiveness is for giving to yourself what you didn’t get enough of as a child: attention, love, affection, and recognition. We all missed out on something. Whoever or whatever denied you your needs in the past can be forgiven — released — to make more room for what you want to experience in a relationship.

Pamper Yourself with the Affections of Others

Draw yourself out; don’t wait for others to do it for you. Allow them the pleasure of knowing you better. Reward yourself by becoming the center of attention at a party; don’t be afraid to stand out. Notice how other people will love you if you allow them. If you have a pet, take note of how that little animal loves just being around you. Permit other people to enjoy your company in the same way; let yourself be flattered by their attention. Pamper yourself with the affections of others.

Recycling Old Hurts

If you hug almost any human being, they will generally hug you back. And that one little hug per day can prove that the love you have to give is very, very worthy. Forgiveness is daring to become unencumbered by old stale resentments. Recycled trash is still trash. Rancor cankers, and it can manifest eventually as body illness and pain. You wouldn’t dream of eating yesterday’s garbage for dinner tonight, but that’s similar to what you are doing if you keep recycling old hurts through your system.

Forgiveness is Feeling Worthy

Forgiveness is daring to feel worthy of the love you seek, giving up what you may have accepted as love in the past, especially if it was wrong for you. Forgiveness is having the courage to confront a two-fold roadblock: self- forgiveness and for giving-up the limitations of others.

What Forgiveness is Not

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your personal feelings or your relationship values. We always have options, but we cannot always see them. Try forgiving yourself for “settling” for this or that situation. Ask yourself why you settled.

Doreen dated Mike for a year who did not express the character or integrity she was seeking. It took that long before she realized he was not right for her. “I was angry at myself when it dawned on me that I had ‘settled’,” Doreen said. “I felt lower than an earthworm. But when I stopped beating myself up over this ‘mistake’, I suddenly realized there is no such thing as a mistake. I had learned something valuable with Mike. I was honestly able to face why I had invested so much in a relationship that wasn’t all I wanted. And that made me feel better. I thought Mike and I had so much in common, that naturally the integrity element would be there too. It wasn’t, and I was afraid I would never meet another man who shared common interests with me. I was scared to keep looking for everything I wanted in a man. I had to forgive myself for sacrificing my ideals, and then move on.”

To err is human; to forgive divine

Forgiveness is not what we have been conditioned to believe it is, all our lives: it is not instantaneous godliness. To quote English author Alexander Pope’s wise observation: “To err is human; to forgive divine.”

Yes, we humans make social blunders, we make fools of ourselves daily — that is, we “err.” But forgiving these faux pas, in ourselves and others, is not a matter of putting our halos back on and waving a wand. We tend to be hypercritical of our mistakes as well as those of other people, yet these little sticky social errors are usually just human stumbling blocks.

Forgiveness is Learning and Growing

Forgiveness then becomes a chance to help educate another person if his or her behavior is offensive or detrimental. Or forgiveness can mean learning about more appropriate forms of behavior for ourselves, so we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes or issues. And these positive actions make forgiveness a truly divine opportunity to experience everlasting friendship, at least.

A relationship ends when it needs to end. If the union was a mistake that only means it was a growing experience. It’s okay to make relationship mistakes, if you don’t keep repeating them. And in your next relationship, you’ll make new mistakes; that’s what growing is all about.

Forgiveness Creates Black Pearls of Wisdom

Forgiveness is not a quickie emotion which magically lets you “forgive and forget.” You know, it is more essential to forgive than to forget. As we have learned above, forgiveness is getting the venom out of your system so you won’t carry the festering snake bite into your next relationship. But we don’t want to completely forget those poisons and irritants we have extracted from our failed marriages, friendships, and partnerships.

We have earned the right to retain the memories of our blackest, ugliest relationship experiences and turn them into shiny, attractive “black pearls.” These hard-earned “black pearls” of garnered insight and wisdom will keep us from making the same mistakes over and over. And as you may know, a black pearl is more rare and more priceless on the market than a white pearl.

Or shall we say, experience can be our best teacher?

Femme Porn Classics: The History of Feminist Porn

By

Megan Hussey

-

June 13, 2021

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but the Feminist Sexpert certainly has. Most of the porn films considered all-time classics are not precisely female friendly. And that is the understatement of the day, the month, the year, the millen…–that’s just a really big understatement!

Let’s take a look at the standing roster of motions pictures considered porn classics:

Behind the Green Door: She gets kidnapped.

Debbie Does Dallas: Teen girls sell their bodies to old, pervy, sleazy men.

Deep Throat: A woman discovers she can only achieve climax by giving bj’s. Really? On a more serious note, star Linda Lovelace lodged assault and abuse allegations against her husband/manager and others involved in the film.

Pretty Peaches: An innocent young woman sustains a head injury and loses her memory. While wandering around looking for help, she is raped repeatedly. This is a comedy.

Water Power: Rape. Torture. Murder. Mayhem. And it’s supposed to be hot.

The Devil and Miss Jones: She dies and goes to hell.

As actress Joan Van Ark said on the brilliant Diane English show Women of the House, on an episode that addressed the treatment of women in Hollywood films, “I’ve played a woman who was stalked, a woman who was raped, a woman who was kidnapped, car-jacked, high-jacked, and sky-jacked. And frankly, I mean, I’m tired!”

“But Feminist Sexpert!” You might be saying at this point. “Everybody knows that feminist porn didn’t exist before Candida Royalle directed her first film in 1985.”

Well there’s a reason that Royalle, who directed 15 femme porn classics before sadly passing away in 2015, is granted the lioness’ share of credit for the inception of the femme porn movement. And that reason is, she friggin’ rocked. From comedies like Stud Hunters to heartfelt romances like My Surrender (one of the few porns that makes me cry every time I watch it, and not out of terror or disgust–“Turn it off!”), this woman was a skillful director who made love stories out of sex stories–in addition to her role as a woman who supported and encouraged other women and minorities in the adult industry. Myself included. Yet to trace the true origins of feminist porn, we must make like the Hot Tub Time Machine peeps and journey back a full decade before the premiere of Candida Royalle’s debut film, Femme. We’re talking BC on the timeline–Before Candida!

In 1972, the first porn film made by and for women debuted on the underground film scene. Goldenrod, the story of a handsome Casanova who learns valuable lessons about how a treat a lady–all while satisfying as many women as humanly possible and then some. “Back in those days, there was a lot of talk about women getting into explicit films and making feminist porn. It was the first time the feminist movement had thought about this,” Webb’s ex-husband, filmmaker Charles Desantos, told The Rialto Report (https://www.therialtoreport.com/2020/11/15/charles-desantos/). “So we decided to make a film from a woman’s perspective, and she directed it and actually used her own name. It turned into quite a thing. It was shot in 16 mm, and it had a feminist angle to it. We called it ‘Goldenrod.’”

In an interview that Webb conducted with The San Francisco Examiner in 1973 (https://www.therialtoreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/RR-The_San_Francisco_Examiner_Sun__Dec_23__1973_.jpg), she described Goldenrod as a moral film that also happened to be arousing. And while lost for years, this one of a kind production is now available in the Dragon Art collection through Something Weird Video.

Ah, but what about lesbian porn? Well the fact is that lesbian sex acts have been recorded for film since the days of black and white stag film loops; yet they never were shot by virtue of the female gaze. This all changed in 1974, when indie filmmaker Barbara Hammer created a work of motion picture art called Dyketactics.

“Hammer’s breakthrough work, Dyketactics (1974), is an experimental film that features more than 100 shots in just over four minutes, with images superimposed on top of one another,” reported Art News. “Hammer often described the work as a depiction of lesbian sex from a lesbian point-of-view and positioned it as filmmaking about women devoid of the ever-present male gaze.” https://www.artnews.com/art-news/news/barbara-hammer-dead-79-12157/ Into the ’80s came a smattering of films made by and for lesbians, with Tiger Rose Distributing releasing titles such as Where There’s Smoke and Fantasy Dancer, and Exotic in Nature; and Fatale Media coming up with gems like Suburban Dykes and BurLEZk (lesbian striptease).

“Fatale Media — the company that released the film in question — was born in 1984 with an explicitly defined mission to “reflect the feminist right for [women’s] control over our bodies, thereby promoting female sexual autonomy,” wrote Marcus Dowling in the article On “Suburban Dykes,” And The Advent of Sublimely Sexy Sexual Awareness. “When a suburban couple explore phone sex and BDSM via an escort service to spice up their sexual experience, that’s well within the scope and range of Fatale’s stated aims.” (https://marcuskdowling.medium.com/on-suburban-dykes-and-the-advent-of-sublimely-sexy-sexual-awareness-6017106c5e0a)

Swinging back over to the other side of the spectrum, we saw our first feminist male porn hunk in 1978. And no, don’t even think I’m going to say John Holmes. For while he was the first household name male porn star, his actions on and off the screen were anything but feminist. No, the gentleman of which I speak is Jesse Chacan, a stunningly gorgeous Native American actor who also reigned as Mr. Nude USA (Question: Do they still host such a competition? And if so, why oh why is the Feminist Sexpert not a judge?) Also notable as the first Native American actor to portray a Native American character in his films, Chacan is known in particular for his star turn in Deep Roots, a 1978 feature renowned for its tender love scenes and its generous shots of Chacan’s flawless body. Chacan’s image is featured prominently in the film’s cover art, and his name appears above the title–virtually unheard of for that time, or for this one for that matter.

This flick also holds the dubious distinction of being one of the few directed by a pretend woman; indeed, credited director Lisa Barr is actually Joseph Bardo. Oh well, this movie still rules; thanks to Jesse, and to Lisa/Joe!

The first video magazine for women was–of course!–Playgirl On the Air, a Playgirl Magazine video series that debuted in 1984. Featuring filmed centerfold shoots, interviews with celebrities such as Mark Harmon and Sybil Danning, and softcore sex scenes shot from a woman’s point of view, the series veers from the adorable (the volumes feature adult cartoons, and one includes a trailer for a filmed Tom Jones concert) to the chic–with a sexy music video displaying music and production values ahead of its time. And if you choose not to fast forward through the interviews to get to the centerfolds, you’ll hear some empowering messages from Sybil Danning about the importance of “sheroes” on the big screen.

The inaugural male stripper tape takes the form of the Chippendales: Tall Dark and Handsome, an entertaining party tape that shows the signature hunks of the Chippendales dance troupe to their very hottest effect. Within a framing story that finds a trio of fun-loving women taking in the show, we see several choreographed striptease routines and fantasy sequences.

A couple of cool trivia facts about this movie: It features Chippendales legend Michael Rapp (the one they always sent out to do talk shows), action star Deron Michael McBee, and XXX porn stud Colt Steele. Comic Maureen Murphy (a popular performer on the Johnny Carson show) and comedy star Judy Landers stand out among the gals. Another factoid: Just about every video store in the ’80s and ’90s featured this title in the adult section–because although it’s not remotely hardcore, the film was the only widely available sexy type tape for women at that time. Out of every single adult section, we generally got one friggin’ tape–and if it wasn’t this, it was the Sean Bean version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

The title of the first romance novel committed to adult film is somewhat up for debate. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, director/screenwriter Victoria Arnelle brought a series of filmed romances to the screen, complete with gorgeous covers that likened book jackets and extremely hot male leads. Oh, the women are cute too. And while Arnelle’s work is novel and interesting, with some original plotlines and dialogue, I’m sad to say that each of these titles features themes not at all at home in feminist erotica. We see heroines kidnapped, slapped, and sometimes forgiving of abusive lovers. Also, they break the girl code by messing with attached men–even their own sisters’! Vicky, WTF? Still, we must acknowledge the effort to produce a romantic feature for a female audience.

As far as true literary adaptions, I happily credit the amazing 1993 softcore feature Cabin Fever with being the first feminist romance story realised on film–and beautifully so. Based on an erotic story featured in Lonnie Barbach’s Erotic interludes, Cabin Fever is truly a thing of beauty–and oh so hot. Lonnie Barbach just may have been the original Feminist Sexpert, with her books lauded as having a positive impact on women’s sexual expression. Bringing her words and images to the screen was director Deborah Shames, the first female softcore director. This older woman/younger man love story is both tender and thrilling, sexy and sensitive, and features a gorgeous leading man whose character shines through with uncommon sensitivity.

My absolute, all time favorite softcore series has to be Love Scenes, a collection of four videos geared toward the visualized fulfillment of women’s sexual fantasies. Director Ron Lawson cast Playgirl models, male exotic dancers, and top tier male models alongside strong, glamorous actresses in a host of female-geared fantasies.

This series scored countless good reviews and AVN rewards, and remains pretty much unprecedented. Featured fantasies include a male model seducing a female photographer, a pool boy charming the lady of the house, a dancer ‘auditioning’ for a female director, etc. Each interlude is softly and tastefully shot, with lingering shots of the male body and lots of tender foreplay. Even cooler, the content of Love Scenes was determined by a female review panel.

And speaking of unprecedented–I’ll conclude this with a look at the introductory feature from the Godmother of Femme Porn: Ms. Candida Royalle herself.

Her 1985 debut feature was indeed titled Femme, and contained a series of vignettes capturing the essence of women’s sexual fantasies. A housewife dreams up an encounter with her favorite soap opera star, a woman makes it with two hunks in an art gallery, etc.

Both tasteful and tawdry, this is a beautiful film–and girl, it sure did start something!

+++
Featured Image: Candida Royalle from Femme Productions.

Sexpert Panel: INTIMATE COMMUNICATION: with Special Guest: Dr. Emily Morse

By

Dr. Ava Cadell

-

June 13, 2021

Our Next Sexpert Panel hosted & sponsored by Loveology University® is Wednesday, June 23, 2021 @ 12PM Pacific Time!

Come Join Us!

INTIMATE COMMUNICATION: Before, During and After Lovemaking (with Special Guest: Dr. Emily Morse)

Also Featuring:

Wednesday, June 23, 2021 @ 12PM Pacific Time

Sponsored by:

Our Panelists Are:
Dr. Ava Cadell, Dr. Emily Morse, Dr. Shannon Chavez, Carol & David, Dr. Megan Stubbs, Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Dr. Hernando Chaves

What You Can Expect:

The Sexpert Panel will talk candidly, as if you were meeting face to face over drinks and discuss fully and openly the most intimate details of topics you are interested in.

Best of all, renowned Sexperts will share their wisdom to help ease your concerns, lower your inhibitions and transport you to sexual empowerment..

DON’T MISS OUT ON OUR RAFFLE!

One lucky attendee will be chosen to win Loveology University’s Certified Relationship Coach Program. A winner will be chosen at random at the end of the event. You must be in attendance to claim the prize.

Don’t miss it! Sign up here!

Meet our Moderator and Panelists

MODERATOR
Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com

Free Gift To All Attendees: Communication Course on LoveUniv.com

Dr. Ava is a Clinical Sexologist and AASECT Certified Sex Counselor, author of eleven books and global speaker (who has travelled to four continents giving lectures on love, romance, relationships, intimacy and sexuality). Dr. Ava is the founder of Loveology University® providing online training to certify Love Coaches, Relationship Coaches and Master Sexperts through a multimedia platform, with emphasis on loving & healing yourself, physically & emotionally, while accepting others’ sexual practices without moral judgement, through comprehensive distance learning.

Dr. Emily Morse, Sex Therapist, Author & Media Personality

Emily Hope Morse is a sex therapist, author and media personality. She is known for her 2012 recurring reality television appearance in Bravo’s series Miss Advised and a four-year run as guest co-host on the nationally syndicated Loveline Radio Show with Dr. Drew Pinsky.

With a Doctorate in Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, is on a mission to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure. Over the last 15 years, Morse’s work has made her the best-selling author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight!, a pioneering MasterClass Instructor on Sex and Communication, live SiriusXM radio host and executive producer, and host of the #1 Sexuality podcast on iTunes, Sex With Emily. Morse has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Emily was recently profiled in The New York Times and Forbes. Today, Sex With Emily is the longest-running sex and relationship podcast, and an endeavor that Morse has grown into a thriving media company. SexWithEmily.com

Dr. Megan Stubbs, Clinical Sexologist

Dr. Megan Stubbs holds degrees in Human Sexuality and Biology, Dr. Megan Stubbs is an energetic multi-media savvy Sexologist. She has been building a brand that has sexual wellness, education, and pleasure at the forefront. With her respective degrees in Biology and Human Sexuality, she is able to combine two of her favorite things, science and sex, into a cohesive platform to impact her audience. She is mindful of inclusion and brings a sensitivity to ethnic diversity rooted in her own complex heritage. Her programming is designed to entertain and educate with actionable steps and information the participants can use as soon as they leave. Her first book, Playing Without A Partner: A Single’s Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness, is available now wherever books are sold. She is frequently quoted in national media outlets, writes a column in Playboy, appears on television, speaks on campuses across the nation, and hosts private events around the world.

Dr. Hernando Chaves, MFT

Dr. Hernando Chaves holds a B.A. in Psychology from UCSB, an M.A. in Marital & Family Therapy from USD & a D.H.S. Doctorate in Human Sexuality from the IASHS. He is a licensed MFT in CA specializing in intimacy & relational difficulties, sexual concerns & dysfunctions, plus sexual minority communities (LGBTQ+, BDSM, fetish, sex work, nonmonogamy).

Dr. Chaves is an MFT sexuality graduate school professor at Pepperdine University, a past regional president and board of directors’ member for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, written/consulted for 14 instructional media sex education projects, including co-host for Penthouse’s Sex Academy instructional series & BaDoinkVR virtual reality sex therapy instructional video, and a contributing author to the International Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality.

Dr. Hernando Chaves teamed up with Dr. Ava Cadell to co-host a series of instructional videos called Penthouse Sex Academy on Foreplay, Erotic Massage, Oral Pleasure, Swinging, Anal Pleasure, Masturbation & Sexual Postions

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Certified Sexuality Counselor

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is a Registered Supervisor & Senior accredited member of the College of Sex and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) in England and a Certified Sexuality Counselor and Approved Training Provider by the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). She is globally known for her contributions to the field of sexual health & relationships at the clinical as well as policy and educational levels. She is the co-author of the award-winning Orgasm Answer Guide and Wheel of Context for Sexuality Education. Her most recent contribution to the field is the Emergent Love model research & the development of a validated Inventory for the holistic assessment of dynamics within a coupledom called Relationship Panoramic ® Inventory.

Her approach is highly informed by her global work across 41 countries. Dr. Nasserzadeh serves at the Advisory Board of the World Association for Sexual Health (WAS) and Co-Chairs the annual World Sexual Health Day (WSHD) event at Stanford University. Dr. Nasserzadeh is the chair of Division VII at the California Psychological Association (CPA) which is dedicated to Diversity and Social Justice. Last week she was honored by the AASECT Professional Standard of Excellence Award, 2021. Her practice is in Beverly Hills, California and she continues to work with clients and colleagues around the country and the world.

Dr. Shannon Chavez, Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist

Dr. Shannon Chavez is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist with a private practice, SHAPE (Sexual Health and Pleasure Enhancement) Center in Beverly Hills, California where she provides individual and couples therapy, sex and relationship coaching, and workshops on sexual health and wellness. Her work focuses on adult sex education, integrating sexuality and spirituality, and sexual discovery towards personal growth.

Dr. Chavez helps women, men, LGBTQIA, and couples identify their barriers to sexual wellness and fulfillment, and how to overcome them with the proper education, resources, and skills. She works with various organizations and programs as a presenter, spokesperson, media commentator, and consultant in sexual health and wellness, relationships, and mental health. She also wrote a guide for clinicians on the treatment of love addiction through the use of attachment-oriented psychodynamic therapy – proving she has actually “written the book on it”!

She frequently appears on national news, radio, and media as a sexual health expert.

Carol & David, Radio Hosts, Sex & Swinging Lifestyle Educators

Carol and David are the hosts of The Sexy Lifestyle on VoiceAmerica radio, a leading provider of Internet talk radio. Each week Carol and David, A fun-loving swinger couple, share their own personal experiences with sex, love and marriage. Their show aims to help listeners have stronger, more meaningful relationships through clear communication, pushing boundaries, exploring limits, and fulfilling fantasies. Through uncensored and honest discussions about great sex, passion, and intimacy, gain insight into a sex-positive and female-centric view of the modern-day couple. The show airs every Thursday at 4pm PT on the VoiceAmerica Variety channel. Tune in for their sex tips, wild stories, and live call-in advice about living a happy, healthy, and horny life!

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Our Next Sexpert Panel hosted & sponsored by Loveology University® is Wednesday, June 23, 2021 @ 12PM Pacific Time!

Come Join Us!

INTIMATE COMMUNICATION: Before, During and After Lovemaking (with Special Guest: Dr. Emily Morse)

Also Featuring:

Wednesday, June 23, 2021 @ 12PM Pacific Time

Don’t miss it! Sign up here!

Meet our Moderator and Panelists

MODERATOR Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com

Dr. Emily Morse, Sex Therapist, Author & Media Personality

Dr. Megan Stubbs, Clinical Sexologist

Dr. Hernando Chaves, MFT

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, Certified Sexuality Counselor

Dr. Shannon Chavez, Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist

Carol & David, Radio Hosts, Sex & Swinging Lifestyle Educators

Don’t miss it! Sign up here!

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MODERATOR
Dr. Ava Cadell, Clinical Sexologist, Author & Founder of LoveUniv.com