How do you turn good sex into great sex? By relaxing more. To achieve a state of sexual bliss, you need to feel relaxed, yet excited. Sex is supposed to be fun, not boring or nerve wracking if you’re with a new person.
Sensate focus or “sensate focusing” was first developed by early sex therapists Masters and Johnson. In the early 1960’s, Masters and Johnson saw couples coming into their practice who were still uneasy and uptight about sex. The idea of sensate focus was to focus on the sensual aspect of sex through touching–in a mindful way. As opposed to focusing on having an orgasm. Focusing on touch, they found, took the pressure off.
So how is it done? First, couples lightly stroke each other with their fingers or hands without touching breasts, nipples or the family jewels. Focus on how the skin feels when being touched or touching.
The second stage moves the touching to breasts and nipples, but touching her hoo ha or his man bone is still forbidden. Next, each person takes turns putting their hand over their partner’s hand to show the other person what they find pleasurable. Once this is done, touching the each other’s sweet spots that were previously forbidden will feel incredible.
Next you repeat the placing of their hand over your clitoris or penis, to show them what you find most pleasurable. Otherwise, how do they know? Take turns and repeat. The goal is pleasure rather than orgasm. By playing with pressure and timing, you will be more in tune with each other as you show the other person what you really like.
The technique is used for men who have performance anxiety, which is caused by an anxiousness and nervousness about either keeping it up or pleasing the other person. Studies have shown that the more people kissed, hugged, and touched each other, rather than just “sticking it in,” the less anxiety they had. And the more they enjoyed each other. Touch is a very powerful thing.