Sure, things might be a tad … well, let’s call it what it is: scary right now, but we homo sapiens are quite the durable species and before you know it we’ll be all exiting our virus-induced isolation and once again be getting together for all kinds of group social interactions.
Including those, of course, of the sexual … and particularly kinky variety.
But whether it’s your first-time visit to your local BDSM party space or deciding to dip your leather or latex-clad toes into attending a kinky event you should be familiar with the etiquette of the scene: in short, how to behave yourself.
Before I get into that, though, I want to take a brief detour to explain why this is so important. Absolutely, being the best person you can be—polite, respectful, conscientious, and all that—is never a bad idea but in the BDSM world that’s even more important as the community prides itself on being quite good at self-policing.
While far from perfect, they actually do a pretty good job at it, too: calling out bad behavior and individuals both because they reflect purely on the community as a whole but more importantly because not to do so could put kinksters at risk—emotionally as well as physically.
Sound scary—particularly for newcomers? Well, kind of, but only in the best way as it’s in place for those extremely good reasons. But while you might be a bit nervous venturing into your first public dungeon or playspace don’t fret too much as being on your best behavior is actually quite easy.
To begin with, be upfront and direct about your kink experience level—or lack of one. There’s nothing ever wrong with telling people that you are new to this whole BDSM thing and, most of all, you are willing to listen and learn. What is wrong is pretending to be skilled when you aren’t or, worse yet, trying to hide ignorance behind an arrogant disguise.
A perfect example of this is wearing your dominant or submissive role outside of play. Until a scene actually starts, publicly or privately, everything beforehand should be done on nothing but an equal power level to make communication, and especially negotiation, as easy and comprehensive as possible: so, leave your persona at home until you actually get an opportunity to play and beforehand just be yourself.
Confused? Well, don’t be because the whole point of this is that if you don’t know something, or don’t know how to act appropriately, say so. Folks in the scene often love nothing better than to take a new person under their kinky wing and show them the ropes … and chains, and whips, and etc.
In fact, I personally recommend making some kinky friends who are familiar with the scene and how it operates before venturing into public play. That way, you can have someone there to help you out and also give you their own take on how to act appropriately.
While many dungeons and the like have their own unique rules, most of them have a few standards they ask their members to adhere to. The biggest of these has to be that you should never touch anyone, or anything, without clear permission to do so. This means no hugs, casual touches, or anything else involving contact without a clear sign that it’s okay.
And if you do accidentally touch someone or something then immediately apologize. Consent in the BDSM community is huge and if you can’t accept that, then you have no place in the community.
Also do try to at least dress for the part when you attend an event. No, I don’t mean the $5,000 leather outfit you’ve been itching to try out but don’t, for instance, show up in jeans and a t-shirt. Black, even if it’s just a simple top and a good pair of pants or skirt, is perfectly fine.
Another common faux pa newcomers commit when visiting a playspace is to wander through the play area and/or disrupt the scenes that are going on. While it is perfectly fine to take a brief stroll through the space to check it out, do not linger or come to close to anything happening. Similarly, speak no louder than a whisper—if you have to say something at all. Respect, again, is the watchword here: and lacking it could get you either sneered at or even kicked out of the space.
It’s also worth mentioning that you should leave your phone at home though if you have to have it nearby turn it off or mute it—and never check it while in the space.
This brings up another important point: one of privacy. Many people have to keep their BDSM activities out of their public lives and because of it the scene completely respects everyone’s right to privacy. This means that what you see at a party stays at a party and should never be discussed afterward unless it’s with someone who was also there. This is also extremely true should you encounter a person in “civilian” life you saw at an event: keep your yap shut.
Back to personal recommendations, I strongly suggest that if you are interested in public BDSM play you take things nice and slow: don’t come to your first event or space and expect to play but rather just to scope things out and get the lay of the land and, by all means, come with your kinky support friend who could help show you how things are done.
Then, once you’ve got a handle on how things are done, you can think about actually getting into your own scene sometime. Libidos can definitely get into overdrive during your first outing but try to always keep in mind that there will be other events, other parties, other dungeons, and other opportunities to play unless, of course, you get over-eager and do something really stupid so the BDSM community door gets slammed in your face.
Summing up: there’s nothing wrong with being a newbie to the scene and it’s far better to be open about that than trying to be someone you are not. So ask polite and respectful questions, try your best to be kind and conscientious, listen when people give you advice and when you make a mistake, which everyone will do at one time or another, don’t get defensive or argumentative but instead sincerely apologize to those involved and, best of all, learn your lesson and move on.
Do this and the gates to the BDSM community will open wide and welcome you in with open arms: for parties, events, play spaces, and dungeons but, best of all, for the really fun adventures that often lay in more private areas.
Great article, very informational.