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`Playful Pick

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo from:https://thesexmed.com/sex-toys-for-sexual-health/

Choosing anal toys can be a playful pick, but is not a simple task. There are a lot of products on the market, so finding the right one for you may take some time. Here are some suggestions to pluck yours out of the crowd.

There are two types of anal toys. Prostate-specific and inflatable. Flared base toys are a MUST.

Anything that you place up into your rectum should have a flared base that can be held at all times. Many items can be sucked inside of your anus. Your muscles will suck things up into your intestines which could be life threatening. Know that anytime you place something in, it must have a T-shaped base to hold it on the outside.

Photo by Ryan Stone on Unsplash

Prostate-specific toys stimulate the P-spot directly.  If you were born with a penis, then chances are, you have a P-spot -the prostate – reached through the anus and perineum stimulation. They are about three inches into the anal canal. On the front wall towards the penis and are the size of a walnut.

This is good to know when selecting the toy’s length. To use a prostate-specific anal toy, you should be entered at an angle to ease discomfort. Once you feel comfortable, let your partner know it is OK to proceed. They should continue to thrust at an angle. You may feel the urge to pee or orgasm.  It is impossible to do both, so relax into your orgasm thanks to the PC Muscle. 

Inflatable anal toys are an excellent choice for some. 

They work like a balloon; you insert them while they are small and then pump them up with air to stretch the sphincters and muscles of the anal canal, putting pressure on the prostrates. Always start by pumping slowly. You do not want to force the anus open or use hard pumps to fill the toy too rapidly. Release the air by using the little valve until it is back to its original size and slide it out gently. 

Anus owners can place anal beads in their rectum while being penetrated or receiving a hand job.

They are small to medium-sized balls and are super easy to use. They are a series of ABS plastic or silicone beads that are linked together and are used to stimulate the walls and canal of the anus. The beads start small and grow larger.  It is the smallest beads that go in first, press the toy into the anus and remove them when finished. 

Vibrating anal beads give you added sensations. Some or all of the beads can vibrate for extra sensations during anal. You should cover these beads in a water-based lube to make insertion smoother and pleasurable every time. Butt plugs can be weighted, vibrating, or non-vibrating cone-shaped toys.  If vibrations are too intense you can always use the plug without turning it on until you get used to the sensation.

Vibrating butt plugs help relax the sphincter muscles and stimulate either the Skene’s Glands or prostrates. The vibrations work away muscle tightness and supply extra pleasure to the nerves in and around the anus.

Select a Material

You want to choose the right material for you. There are many options on the market, and you must find what fits your needs. Some points to keep in mind are knowing any allergic reactions to soft materials such as PVC, latex, rubber, jelly, or silicone. You should also be aware of how to sanitize and care for the toy. Firmer materials such as ABS Plastic, glass, metals, or wood to name a few, may not take the same amount of work as softer, flexible toys. 

Soft materials are super flexible and move with your body. Some are stiff in the core and covered with a soft material. Firmer materials are used for more direct, pinpointed stimulation. Using a non-porous material that can be polished or coated wood, stainless steel, or aluminum is a great alternative to silicone if need be.

Photo by Lovense Toys on Unsplash

Avoid cheap toys that are porous, which means that bacteria can grow in the toy’s pores. Even cleaning with antibacterial soap or cleaner cannot go deep enough to fully sterilize the toy for future use. Body-safe anal toys are hypoallergenic, non-porous, and phthalate free and have several benefits. They are more hygienic because they are easier to clean and kill growing bacteria.

Silicone is hypoallergenic and free from plastic softening, phthalates that are in PVC, and certain types of rubber. They are firm and usually medical-grade, first-generation silicone. 

Silicone is one of the safest forms of rubber that can be inserted. While it is porous, its pores are so small it cannot harbor bacteria. The skin-like texture of silicone allows the toy to offer a true life-like experience. The material warms quickly to body temperature and holds the heat, making it even more pleasurable.

Phthalates should be avoided altogether. They are often in soft or cheap anal toys and can adversely affect the reproductive system. These toys tend to smell like plastic, and it is important to read the packaging and pay attention to the safety icons before using the toy.

Toy Cleaners are specifically made to kill bacteria and clean your toy. You can use warm water and antibacterial soap, but these cleaners are made with the toy in mind. Spray some on the toy, wipe it down with a warm damp cloth, and let it air dry.  Most toys should be stored in cool, dry places.

Boiling toys depends on the manufacturer’s guidelines. Heat-resistant anal toys can be sterilized through boiling only if the packaging says so. Submerge your toy in a pot of boiling water for 3 minutes. 

Prepping for the myth

Feces does not hang out in the rectum. It is there when you have to void, but if this is the case, the nerves sense this fullness and then tell the brain whether this is due to gas or stool. if you have this feeling – DO NOT proceed with anal until AFTER you poop.

If you so desire, enemas and douches work in the same way. You fill them with lukewarm water, gently squirt the water into your rectum and then sit on a toilet and let nature run its course. A douche holds around a cup’s worth of water, so this choice is easier for a quick rinse of the area once inside your anus.

An enema bag holds anywhere from one cup to around a half gallon. The more water you flush into your body, the more fecal matter will be loosened, so take your time and let your intestines work.

Regardless of your choice, always practice on a day when you do not plan on having anal sex at all. It often takes a few hours for your body to fully flush itself from an anal water cleanse. Once you get the hang of it, use a small amount of water in a douche about 45 minutes to 1 hour before you have sex if you are feeling the need to get extra fresh.

Just a reminder or notice – like most sex toys, sharing them increases your risk of giving or receiving an STI.  It is always safer, and it is best if you do not share your anal toys. Bacteria like E. coli and parasites can easily be transmitted through shared toys. If you happen to share, be sure to use a new condom each time.

If this article has left you with questions, feel free to reach out to me at [email protected].

Anal Fingering

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Fingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina. They may enjoy some anal action too. I say “may” because not every person enjoys anal stimulation. If they do, then anal fingering is a great place to start, before progressing further to full anal sex. If they don’t, then it’s not a biggie, just focus on some other fun orgasm techniques whether that’s oral on the vagina or making them squirt.

Before you jump into it, you need to be aware that the anus doesn’t self-lubricate itself like the vagina does, so you’re going to need some lube. LOTS of it. Saliva will usually work but is less sanitary and dries out quicker. Keep the lubricant nearby in case you do need to drop on some more. Coat your finger and the outside of the anus with some lube, then slowly press your lubed finger into the rectum and lube up that space.

The person needs to be aroused.  All orgasms are stifled if the arousal level is not high enough. You need to get the hormones and chemical’s that play a role in the orgasm process activated and that happens through arousal. Make sure to take it extra slow and listen to their feedback. The sphincter takes a while to relax, so if you force your finger inside of it before it’s relaxed, then it’s going to hurt them. Instead, you should maintain a soft pressure to allow their sphincter to relax around your finger. Once it does, then you can slowly push it in and around. Try not to go in and out unless you are asked for it. While fingering anally, you can also rub the clit with your spare hand for extra stimulation.

Important – Fingering shouldn’t be reserved only for the clit and vagina and do not touch their vagina after fingering them anally. You will be bringing bacteria from the anus to the vagina which will risk them getting bacterial vaginosis or something worse. Wash your hand(s) thoroughly after any anal action. This also applies to anything else you put in the rectum.

@shadeyontop if you have questions, I have answers! Book some time with me.

The Truth About Cupping

By
Debra Shade
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Photo by Katherine Hanlon on Unsplash

Here’s the truth about cupping.  Cupping therapy is an ancient form of alternative medicine that involves placing cups on the skin to create suction. The practice has a long history and has been used in various cultures throughout the world.

Cupping massage is a therapeutic, relaxing, and rejuvenating method that relieves muscle soreness and body tension daily. It can have several benefits, like improving blood flow in the targeted areas, releasing tightness in the fascia, promoting flexibility, and reducing restrictions.

Cupping therapy can also stimulate the lymphatic system, aiding in the drainage of excess fluids and toxins, which can contribute to reduced swelling and inflammation in the muscles.

Although cupping is considered safe, it is crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or experienced therapist before undergoing any alternative or complementary therapies, especially if you have underlying health conditions or concerns.

Anyone seeking relaxation, stress relief, and an immersive wellness experience should try this beneficial care method.

Photo by Vi Vi on Unsplash

Cupping therapy has roots in traditional Chinese medicine, dating back thousands of years. It is also found in ancient Egyptian, Greek, and Middle Eastern cultures.

The fundamental principle of cupping involves creating suction on the skin, which is believed to mobilize blood flow, promote healing, and release tension. The suction is typically created by briefly heating the air inside the cup and then placing it on the skin, or by using a mechanical pump to extract the air.

Types of Cupping

There are different types of cupping techniques:

  • Dry cupping is the most common form of cupping, where cups are placed on the skin, and suction is created to draw the skin into the cup.
  • Wet cupping involves making small incisions on the skin after the cups are applied, allowing a controlled amount of blood to be drawn into the cups.
  • Fire cupping is the traditional technique that involves using fire to create suction in the cups, while silicone cups are a modern alternative to traditional glass or bamboo cups.
  • Moving cupping is gliding or sliding the cups that are applied with oil to the skin, and the therapist moves them around, creating a massage-like effect.
  • Flash cupping is done by quickly applying and removing cups in a rhythmic fashion, which is sometimes used in sports massage to stimulate blood flow and relax muscles.

It is important to note that cupping leaves temporary bruising, known as cupping marks.  It is considered normal and typically fades within a few days.

Individuals with certain medical conditions, such as bleeding disorders or skin infections, may not be suitable candidates for these techniques. The choice of technique and application depends on the individual’s health condition and the therapist’s goals.

The Power of Breath in Pleasure

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash

The power of breath in pleasure and mindfulness cannot be understated, as it serves as the gateway to a more present, centered, and peaceful state of mind. I have taken this understanding into my world of increasing orgasm intensity, and in doing so releasing those beneficial whole-body hormones that we thrive from. The necessity for breath control in moments of pleasure, especially through the steps of orgasm, is life-changing.

In today’s fast-paced world, where the demands of daily life often leave us feeling stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, the practice of mindfulness has gained significant popularity as a way to find inner peace and balance. At the heart of mindfulness lies the simple yet profound act of paying attention to your breath.

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

Mindfulness

Mindfulness, in its essence, is the practice of bringing one’s attention to the present moment without judgment. It is a mental state that encourages us to be fully aware of our thoughts, emotions, and sensations as they arise, with an attitude of acceptance and non-reactivity.

The breath is a perfect anchor for this practice, as it is always with us, supplying a continuous source of focus and a way to ground ourselves in the here and now. This is a very powerful tool in the art of completing the sexual response cycle. For all of its glory, the orgasm is a masterpiece of pleasure, sensations, and breath.

Breath

The breath is an ever-present, constant companion that connects us to the present moment. We can focus on it at any time, even during a pleasurable situation. By directing our attention to the breath, we immediately draw our minds out of the past or future and into the present.

Noting sources of pleasure, the stimuli, even the presence of the lover(s), and what they are doing to give you pleasure. Take in breath in a pattern that opens the flow of pleasure all over the body. From head to toe, your breath will change what you are feeling and with how much intensity.

The breath has a natural rhythm, with the inhale and exhale following one another in a steady, soothing cadence. When we pay attention to this rhythmic quality of the breath, we create a sense of stability and calm. This rhythmic focus can serve as an anchor, helping to still the turbulent waters of our thoughts and emotions in times of being mindful.

However, when you take control of your breath. When the build-up of pleasure sits in your belly and your vocal box vibrates, you can begin to control it and use it to raise the bar on the stimuli and as a direct result- the power of the orgasm.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash


Our breath is closely connected to our emotional and mental states. When we are anxious or stressed, our breathing tends to become shallow and rapid. Conversely, in moments of calm and relaxation, our breath deepens and slows. By tuning into the breath, you can control the intensity.

Find your moment to take in a deep breath, to the count of six, and out for a count of four. Take note of what touches you are feeling, where the pressure is building, and when you become more connected with pleasure, change the rhythm of your breathing in for four and out for two.

If you are doing it now, you can see your pace is picking up. Imagine this being the waves of pleasure that ought to be flooding through you as you change your pace to in for two and out for two. Yes panting. Panting is a necessary part of breathing in pleasure. Panting is an awesome audible for your mate(s), and an indicator for them to keep up whatever it is that they are doing.

Mindful attention to the breath helps us ride waves on the orgasm path. We can see our emotional responses as they arise AND we can enjoy the benefits of the audio, visual, and physical aspects of what is going down in and around your body.

An increased amount of dopamine is flooding through you. Serotonin and oxytocin join their buddy dopamine and the sounds that sputter out around your breath should be ignored or used. Ignoring them takes any embarrassment off the table and allows you to drown in the pleasure.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Using the sounds is powerful. This space between stimulus and response allows us to choose how we want to react to stimuli. When you are panting, you want more so don’t be afraid that this is the message you are sending out. You get what you ask for and you don’t always have to use words.

By practicing mindfulness through the breath, we can become more present, centered, and aware, leading to a richer and more fulfilling sex life. The breath is a timeless and readily available source of pleasure, waiting to be discovered within us. It is a reminder that pleasure can be found in the simple act of breathing, and the choice to be mindful of it is always within our grasp.

LOVING THE LABIA

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

While the labia are not as sensitive as the clit, there are a lot of very enjoyable ways you can pleasure and stimulate them. Slowly rubbing them up and down like can bring them close to orgasm without them climaxing, which makes for great foreplay. Do not forget that lube will make stroking the labia feel so much more pleasurable for her.

Many vulva owners can become really sensitive after climaxing from clitoral stimulation. It may even become painful for them if you touch it immediately, so you will want to hold off further stimulation for a few minutes. This makes the labia the perfect option for focusing on until that clitoris calms down and returns to normal sensitivity. If the labia are long enough, you can also rub the clitoris through them if it is too sensitive for direct stimulation.

@shadeyontop If I left you with some questions, let me know!

The Vital Role of Sex Therapy in Body Image and Intimacy

By
Debra Shade
-
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

The Vital Role of Sex Therapy in Body Image and Intimacy

#EmbracingYourEroticBlueprint

As a clinical sexologist, I’ve encountered countless individuals who grapple with the intricate web of body image concerns and the impact these have on their sexual well-being. In a society that often reduces sexuality to mere physical attributes, it’s crucial to recognize the profound influence that our perceptions of self have on our intimate lives.

There is the transformative power of professional counseling and therapy in addressing body image issues, the importance of understanding sexual anatomy and function, and the essential role partners play in fostering a supportive and communicative sexual relationship.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

Body image is a multifaceted construct that encompasses our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions about our own bodies. It’s influenced by a myriad of factors, including cultural standards, personal experiences, and societal messaging.

When it comes to sexuality, body image plays a pivotal role in how we relate to ourselves and our partners during intimate encounters. Negative body image can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and even avoidance of sexual activity, which can strain relationships and diminish overall quality of life.

Professional counseling and therapy offer a safe and confidential space for individuals to explore and address their body image concerns. A clinical sexologist can provide specialized guidance that combines psychotherapy with sex therapy techniques, tailored to the unique needs of each client.

Through this process, clients can:

  • Unpack and Challenge Negative Beliefs: by examining the origins of their body image issues, clients can begin to dismantle harmful thought patterns and replace them with more affirming narratives.
  • Cultivate Self-Compassion: learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding is a critical step in healing one’s relationship with one’s body.
  • Enhance Sexual Confidence: through various therapeutic interventions, clients can build confidence in their sexual desirability and capabilities, independent of societal ideals.
  • Develop Coping Strategies: therapy equips clients with practical tools to manage anxiety and self-consciousness both in and out of the bedroom.

A cornerstone of sexual well-being is the knowledge and appreciation of one’s sexual anatomy and its functions. This understanding can empower individuals to make informed decisions about their sexual health and pleasure.

In therapy, clients are encouraged to:

  • Learn About Their Bodies: through education and exploration, clients gain insight into the intricacies of their sexual responses, arousal patterns, and pleasure pathways.
  • Communicate Preferences and Boundaries: knowledge of one’s own body equips individuals to articulate their desires and limits to their partners effectively.
  • Embrace Variability: recognizing that sexual anatomy and function vary widely can help normalize diverse sexual expressions and experiences.

Partners play a critical role in creating an environment where open communication and emotional support are prioritized. In the context of body image concerns, partners can:

  • Offer Validation and Reassurance: regular affirmations of attractiveness and worth can help counteract negative self-perceptions.
  • Practice Active Listening: being present and attentive during discussions about body image can foster a deeper connection and understanding between partners.
  • Engage in Empathetic Dialogue: encouraging conversations about insecurities and fears can bridge the gap between partners and promote mutual support.
  • Collaborate on Solutions: working together to find strategies that enhance comfort and pleasure during sex can strengthen the relationship and benefit both partners.
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Body image issues can cast a long shadow over one’s sexual self-esteem and intimate relationships. However, through the guidance of a clinical sexologist and the unwavering support of a partner, individuals can embark on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and empowerment.

Therapy not only provides the tools to navigate these complex issues but also illuminates the path to a fulfilling and joyous sexual life.

Remember, the essence of our erotic selves transcends physical form; it is rooted in our capacity to connect, to pleasure, and to love—ourselves and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling with body image and its impact on their sexuality, seek professional help. The path to self-acceptance and sexual liberation is within reach, and the rewards of this journey are boundless.

Embrace your erotic blueprint and let the light of understanding and compassion guide you toward a life of sexual fulfillment and intimate connection. I stand at the ready! (debrashade.youcanbook.me) #shadesoasis #pleasure

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