Whether you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, or you just started dating someone new, Valentine’s Day is the perfect occasion to evaluate your love life.
Sometimes a partner will look great “on paper” in terms of your similar interests or circle of friends, but then as things move forward, the daily behavior and interaction between you just doesn’t make your heart sing. What’s happening here? Is there anything you can do to figure it all out?
Yes there is, and it’s free and easy to accomplish. The truth is that a simple good versus bad list can help you clarify what’s working and what isn’t. Sure, relationships require compromise, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for being unhappy!
I’m sharing this sample list below from one of my clients, so that you can see the kinds of things I’m suggesting for your list. She had been dating this man for three months, and had sex with him after seven dates. She saw him twice after that before calling me for help. She was confused and conflicted about becoming his girlfriend. In her gut, she knew he wasn’t right for her, but she didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day this year.
I had my client write a list of his good and bad qualities. Reading the list, she had a revelation discovering the 15 bad qualities compared to only 10 good ones. Then I asked her what her 10 top priorities were to make her life better, and we checked off the ones that he could fulfill. She could only find 3 ways out of 10 that he could bring joy to her life, and could easily find 7 that would make her life more miserable.
This is how you can create your own list for your relationship. Make two columns – good and bad – and create your inventory list like this:
|1. Old Friend||His home location is too far|
|2. Kind||He has too many health issues|
|3. Gentle||Hardly has any friends|
|4. Good job||He goes to bed too late|
|5. Financially stable||Doesn’t like to travel|
|6. Intelligent||Pessimist prepares for the worse|
|7. Romantic||Suffers from OCD & anxiety|
|8. Sense of humor||Homebody|
|9. No kids or wives||Bad lover|
|10. Gives compliments||Talks too long on phone|
|12.||Brags about old girlfriends|
|13.||Complains a lot about people|
|14.||Shares all his problems|
Okay, now that you’ve done the hard part, let’s analyze the data to answer the ultimate question of this exercise: Is this person going to make my life better?
Here’s how my client’s evaluation turned out based upon her lifestyle, her priorities, wants, needs and desires.
- Travel – NO
- Home – NO
- Generosity – NO
- Sex – NO
- Social – NO
- Conversation – NO
- Bedtime Compatibility – NO
- Romance – YES
- Compliments – YES
- Friendship – YES
So as you can see, the not-so-great news here is that the bad outweighs the good in this analysis. But the good news is that, armed with this information, this woman can now pinpoint the source of her frustration or disappointment within the relationship. Before my client left, I told her she had two choices. She could either discuss these issues with her partner and come to a resolution, or she could make an exit strategy to find someone with whom the good will outweigh the bad!
My client instinctively chose the latter, and I told her not to be sad because this man was just a stepping stone to finding a man worthy of her, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. It was the first time I saw her smile, and she told me she felt relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted off her.
You’re better off alone this Valentine’s Day than being with somebody who lacks the qualities that you are looking for in a relationship. Be your own Valentine, and treat yourself as if you are madly in love with you!