Mother’s Day is not known as a sexy holiday, but I think it should be. One of the greatest gifts a mom can give herself is self-love, sensuality, and even erotica – so why not celebrate this way? Then I got to thinking about all the single moms out there. How are they taking care of themselves this Mother’s Day? Do they have any sexy ideas to spice up their lives? What advice can I give mom’s about dating and sex that will make Mother’s Day more juicy and memorable?
I reached out and collaborated with Laurel House, an international celebrity Dating Coach on E!’s “Famously Single,” and a Date Coach for Three Day Rule– a leading personalized matchmaking company. Her book “Screwing The Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love” features her authentic, experience-based how-to advice.
Below is my interview with Laurel where I ask her opinion on single moms and dating – everything from how to find the right partner to when to introduce a date to your children – and she did not disappoint. I absolutely love her ‘5 Cs’ of dating, and find all her advice incredibly empowering, whether you’re a mom or not.
Dr. Ava Cadell: How can a single mom get into a juicy frame of mind, so that she can celebrate Mother’s Day in a sexy way?
Laurel House: Yes, you are a mom. And you are also a woman. Do what you need to feel that way again. That starts with the prep work: both on yourself and with putting a plan in place for child care. Get your hair done, have a facial, do your nails, buy a sexy red shade of lipstick, shave your legs, put on a real bra (not a sports bra) and matching panties. Then make sure that you have someone who you trust to look after your child, and allow that confidence to allow you to take your mind of your precious little one for the evening. Or at least for a few hours. Your child is fine and taken care of. Now take care of yourself!
Dr. Ava: Where would you suggest that a single mom go to find the right kind of partner? Online? Seminars? A restaurant?
LH: The best place for single moms to meet great men, is anywhere. As long as you are on your dating purpose, creating and taking opportunities to connect with people, the world, online dating sites, and events are your dating pools. Each platform requires a different style of dating. So be sure to date according to the platform, while still maintaining your dating purpose- to find a partner. Don’t date in the style of fun if your purpose is serious.
When you meet someone in person, you might have immediate chemistry, and then you have to find out if you connect on core values. And that connection comes from conversation.
Online, you might connect on core values and interests. You will learn about that through ample prequalifying conversations- both through the dating sites and then on the phone prior to your date. And then what you need to find out is if there is chemistry- which you will discover on the date.
Make sure to always keep the 5Cs in mind: Connect (initial contact), Communicate (have a conversation), Candidate (in order to decide if they are a potential candidate for you), plus Chemistry (which you will be able to gauge on a date), and Core Values (you can start to gather these while prequalifying, then continue to learn about on your date).
You don’t know if someone is a candidate for you- C #3, until you have connected and communicated. Once you see the potential of them being a candidate, then tap into the core values and chemistry components. Be sure not to be blinded by just chemistry. Yes, love is blind. But chemistry can be blinding.
You do not want to waste your time. Because you don’t have time to waste. You don’t want to leave your child, hire and pay for a nanny, for someone who isn’t worth your time. How can you tell if they are worth it? Prequalify. Have conversations of substance- phone conversations, BEFORE your first date.
Dr. Ava: What are the boundaries and parameters when it comes to introducing your children? When should a single mom introduce her date to her child or children – and how? How much should she tell her date about her children?
LH: If your dating platform is online- you must include your parental status in your profile. More than checking the “children” box, mention your child within the written portion of your profile. Your profile is supposed to be a reflection of what your real life looks like. And your real life includes your child.
When you should introduce your child to your date completely depends on the age of your child. If you have an infant, you can introduce your child within the first 3 months. If you have a child who is 2 or 3 years old, you can introduce your date as mommy’s “friend” within the first 3-5 months, or whenever you feel that your relationship has reached a point of more consistency and has potential to be something real. You will not introduce your 4 year-old or older child to your partner until they are truly a partner- until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship that you see having true future potential. And even then, give it time before that meeting is made. You do not want your child to become attached to your partner, then have them heartbroken too if there’s a breakup. You also don’t want your child and her relationship with your man to be a reason to try to keep the relationship afloat, even if it’s not working.
More than your child’s needs, make sure that the introduction makes sense for your partner too. Have a conversation with him about how he feels and when he is ready. Do not push your child onto your partner or make him feel burdened by your child. He needs to get to know, like, feel connected, and love you first… then he can go through the same process with your child.
Once the introduction is made, don’t put pressure on either of them to immediately bond. Meet somewhere that is casual but comfortable- possibly your home. Make sure that your child is in a good and rested mood, and ready to receive someone new. This is not about having your child presentation-perfect for your date. It is about allowing your child to feel safe, comfortable, and open.
Keep the first meeting short. Don’t rush in and have an immediate meeting soon after. Let the first meeting sink in. Then do a second meeting.
Dr. Ava: What kind of qualities can a single mom focus on to find the right partner that will complement her family?
LH: Your needs and not just your own. Stable, consistent, and kind, are traits that are now somehow more weighed than hot, stimulating, and wild (it’s a balance…). You need someone who is dependable, responsible, consistent, a communicator, someone who you admire and respect, someone whose values, expectations, and life goals align with yours. And someone who is understanding and kind. He knows that the baby might have a meltdown, custody can be complicated, the kid could come down with lice, the nanny flaked, your ex is sometimes late to pick up (or early to drop off) your son… or you’re just simply exhausted and can’t emotionally give anything else right now- and that’s ok.
Dr Ava: At what point does the single mom let her new partner sleep over with her child in the house? And what advice do you have about handling a situation where a child walks in on Mom in bed with a stranger?
LH: You should definitely not have a “stranger” in your bed. This is not like it was when you were a teen and trying to sneak a guy into your parents’ house. You are an adult. Your home is your child’s home too. Your child must, at all times, feel safe in the home. If your child comes into your room and finds a stranger, that will scare them. And as important as your sex life is, your child’s feeling of safety is more important. Always.
You can have your partner sleep over only after the introductions have been made, and the slow and gradual comfort between your partner and child has been created.