Monday, March 25, 2019

CatalystCon – Toys For A Sex Abled Life

CatalystCon features speakers from all over the country and beyond twice a year, and the topics covered this weekend ranged from navigating alternative lifestyles to erotic hypnosis to slut shaming to porn journalism to online harassment, and many, many more.

The opening keynote event was Sparking Communication in Sexuality, Activism and Acceptance with Alex S. Morgan, Dr. Chris Donaghue, Jenny Block, Mireille Miller-Young, PhD, moderated by Tristan Taormino. Closing keynote was with Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations.

But the highlight for me was attending Toys For a SexAbled Life: Fun, unique and adaptable ways to give and receive satisfying pleasure with erotic toys with Robin Wilson-Beattie and Bethany Steven, J.D., M.A. who were highly entertaining right from the beginning. They began with an ice-breaker where everyone in the audience gave their personal reason for attending the seminar. There were veterans with PTSD, a woman coping with Multiple Sclerosis, a child of disabled parents, a woman with a shallow vagina, someone with chemical sensitivities – and of course myself, as I’ve been trying to get manufacturers to make sex toys for people with disabilities and limitations for twenty years. It was more than an ice-breaker – it was an eye-opener to realize how varied disabilities can be, and how important it is to talk about how we can all have better sex.

Robin&Bethany (1)My favorite moments in the talk were the shared personal stories, which were so heart-warming and enlightening, not to mention useful. Robin told a cautionary story about falling asleep with a cheap vibrator and burning her vulva. Obviously she was adamant about the importance of buying high quality toys.

Bethany and Robin cited many toys for being ‘disabled-friendly,’ such as Liberator’s toy mount sex furniture. They cited clinical sexologist and speaker Dr. Marylou Naccarato who told her about the Liberator sex furniture which is great if you are small, big, or if you have no arms, or if your arms are not long enough to reach your genitals. It’s also good for stroke victims who may have paralysis on one side. You can rock with it, and insert your favorite toy – for either gender.

Bethany got this Liberator toy mount as a wedding present from renowned sexologist Dr. Mitch Tepper and she gave it to Robin as a teaching tool. Here she has it mounted with a Fleshlight masturbator, but you can insert many types of vibrators or dildos.

Robin with FleshlightShe also mentioned that if you can’t afford sex furniture, you can use pillows.

Other toys mentioned were the Revel Body with its long extended handle, Sportsheets that fit Velcro attachments and wash off easy for squirting or accidents, and gloves for dexterity pain, which give you added grip.

The suggested best BDSM paddle was by Tantus, chosen for its light weight and they also talked about using the St. Andrew’s Cross on the floor for disabled access.

The Perfect Stroke by Zero Tolerance was suggested for its ability to accommodate a flaccid penis, while Hot Octopus solo and duo versions were called out for their unique oscillating technology.

Like everyone, many disabled people have parts of their bodies that they are most sensitive about. Bethany was self-conscious about the small size of her feet, until her partner told her how much she loved her feet and how sexy they were. This aroused them both, culminating in the most amazing sexual experience where she actually penetrated her partner with her foot. She said that having sex in a wheelchair makes all kinds of positions possible, however one of her fantasies is to actually have sex with her wheelchair, and she’s open to suggestions on how to do it!

On the trade room floor, I got the scoop from the latest at We-Vibe, who just got distribution in China, which is great since I was just showing the We-vibe in China last week and the women went crazy for it.

We-VibeJenny Block wowed her audience at her keynote speech about discovering your ultimate orgasm. Sexpert.com has a free excerpt of her fabulous book O Wow here.

JennyBlock&AvaI bought the last copy of Dr. Carol Queen and Shar Rednour’s book The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex For Everyone. Stay tuned for a review in the Books section.

Carol Queen Book (1)Here I am with Tamar and Raymond Reilly, sex surrogates who are getting their doctorates this year, with their dog Zen.

Tamar&Ray&Ava&Zen (1)Dr. Katie Loree, psychotherapist and MFT here in Los Angeles. She specializes in polyamorous relationships.

KatePrivate Gym sponsored the event, along with Blewit!, We-vibe, Uber Lube and Good Vibrations.

SponsorsMy only regret is that I couldn’t attend the memorial for my dear friend and feminist porn pioneer Candida Royalle. Candida changed the face of adult filmmaking by daring to take a women’s perspective, making films with real story lines and natural performers. She brought class, dignity and female empowerment to the industry.

Candida RoyalleI treasure having spent time with Candida at last year’s CatalystCon, with her “Club90” pals Annie Sprinkle, Jane Hamilton, Veronica Vera and the memory of Gloria Leonard.

She was one of a kind and will be truly missed.

 

How One Woman Restored Her After-Baby Vagina To Her Before-Baby Vagina

We all know that sex after childbirth isn’t the same as honeymoon sex, but some couples experience such a big difference before and after that they seek counseling to get things back on track.

I have many clients who share similar stories to Christine’s below, but hers resonated with me since she was able to find a solution that truly changed her life. As effective as my private counseling can be, I can’t take all the credit for this one because I gave her a product that I was introduced to through the medical community.

Here is Christine’s story, which she so graciously shared with me. I hope you like a happy ending as much as I do!

Christine’s Story

I am 42, married 20 years, and have had 2 children vaginally [as opposed to C-section – ed.]. I had a mediolateral episiotomy with my first child, and a very rapid second birth which required stitches.

I was researching pessaries [a device that’s placed into the vagina to support the uterus – ed.] and even pelvic floor surgery or vaginal rejuvenation surgery because I was leaking urine when I sneezed and was so loose. I was getting up several times a night to urinate as well and found myself rushing out of Zumba class before it was over. I did Kegels but no matter how hard I squeezed, or how often, my vagina gaped.

I first became aware of my pelvic changes  six weeks after our first child was born. My husband and I made love and both of us could hardly feel anything. We were suprised. I thought, well, in time it will get better. I remember touching the right side of my vaginal opening, and even though everything was healed, I could feel a gap where the muscle must have been cut or torn and healed improperly.

My husband was loving, kind and patient, but he didn’t sigh like he used to when he entered me. It took him a long time to climax. I didn’t climax. Eventually we were down to making love every other month.

When I read about the Intensity on Sexpert.com, I called Dr. Ava. It sounded like electrical stimulation might just work, and I was willing to give it a try, especially since I couldn’t bring myself to tell my male doctor at my annual about my urine leaks, sexual issues, with my laxity. After each pelvic exam, I was told  “Do Kegels,” but they never seemed to work.

A couple of days after I started using  Intensity, I sneezed and stayed dry. Then I began noticing all kinds of deeper muscles contracting when I used the electrical stimulator. I told my husband I had a surprise for him and then squeezed my muscles when we were making love and he felt it!! After almost 2 weeks of daily 10 minute use, I could feel him on every side of my vagina. I orgasmed!! We have found a new enthusiasm and energy!! 
I am a believer in simple, natural things. When I was pregnant, I slathered olive oil on my belly to prevent stretch marks. I bound my abdomen soon after birth to help my abs tighten up…I am so relieved to have found a non-surgical way to strengthen my pelvic muscles and improve my sex life and marriage!

Fifty Shades of Inverted Play, free workshop this Sunday at The Pleasure Chest!

**Free workshop** at the Pleasure Chest LA this weekend with Inverted Play!

Why is sex upside down is so much better?!  Come experience Inverted Play… Fifty Shades darker.  Miyoko and Eric will explain what happens to the body during inversions and how you can apply the products featured in the best-selling novels by E.L. James. Understand the human response to inversion, how creating weightlessness and suspension can calm the body, enhance trust, and encourage open communication.

Learn how to safely invert your partner to give them a weightless and sensual experience.  We’ll cover fundamental acroyoga moves and combine them with exciting sensory stimulation, sensory deprivation, and light impact play.

No partner?  No problem!  You can either bring a friend or make a new one when you arrive!  Acroyoga is a safe and consensual practice that builds communication skills, and increase awareness whether you’re single, or in a relationship.

This class will be interactive: wear comfortable, form-fitting clothes, bring a yoga mat and a partner, or come solo and make new friends! No fitness or flexibility required. Just bring your sense of adventure!

The Pleasure Chest is located in West Los Angeles at 7733 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046  323.650.1022

They do not offer advance registration or reserved seating for free workshops or events. Attendance is on a first come, first served basis. Early arrival is recommended to secure your spot!

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Q & A With Creators Of “The Elator”

At the Sexual Health Expo this year I met with a dynamic couple, Mark and Lisa Schneider, who have created a brand new device called The Elator. It’s so simple, yet it’s quite revolutionary because it’s completely natural and custom fit for every penis. The trick is, you need to measure your penis so that they can send you your individual custom-fit Elator. So you can’t lie about your size!

We connected at my seminar for Sex & Disabilities where they were interested in reaching out to men with issues like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, prostate cancer recovery or men with spinal cord injuries who could all benefit from The Elator.

I’m happy to introduce them to my Sexpert audience because I’m a great believer that any product that help people have better sex is valuable and can lead to a happier life. I interviewed them to find out more information on why and how they came to create the Elator.

Lisa & Mark - Elator1. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED AND HOW DID YOU DECIDE TO START WORKING TOGETHER?

Mark and I just celebrated 9 very happy years of marriage on September 20th, 2015. We decided to work together because we both share the same passion of the desire to become young entrepreneurs. I had been working in Corporate America for years holding demanding management positions that honestly became unattractive after awhile.   After having two beautiful children together and in order to find a healthy balance in life we decided to go for it. Being that I have 20 years of experience with sales and marketing and Mark had 20 years of design and R & D experience, we felt that our skill sets highly complimented each other talents, which is an awesome formula for success.

2. HOW DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED IN SOLVING ISSUES WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION?

Mark’s father has a condition called Venus Leakage which involves the valve that holds the blood in the penis. When one suffers from Venus, the blood flow becomes weak and therefore he had challenges with erectile frequency. Mark’s Father researched external penile support device and found answers among a group of inventors. These inventors were looking for successful individuals that would take their product to market. The device was intriguing for both Mark and for a few reasons; we both lead healthy, natural lifestyles and natural products appeal to us. Being a happily married couple with a healthy sex life, we felt the desire to help other couples that may not be as fortunate. We believe that all couples should be able to be intimate, even those with challenges with Erectile Dysfunction. We felt that it wasn’t fair that only unnatural solutions were available to those that suffered. It was then that we knew we wanted to help couples all around the world and present them with a natural solution., The Elator.

3. HOW IS THE ELATOR DIFFERENT FROM ALL THE OTHER ED PRODUCTS ON THE MARKET?

There is nothing like the Elator on the market. The Elator is an ultra thin but durable wearable support device. It’s basically a support splint that allows men to have intercourse without an erection. The Elator has no side effects, which is very different than what other ED products face.

  • For example, ED pills and prescription medications are highly ineffective in roughly 30% of men and have a long list of dangerous side effects.
  • The vacuum pump does not allow men to achieve a full erection and leaves their penis only 80%-90% engorged for a short period of time, depending if a clamp is used.
  • Injections and suppositories are not always effective and are very painful to administer
  • Surgery is very expensive, invasive and come with great risk with many possible complications.

4. WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF USING THE ELATOR?

Pros:

  • The Elator can be attached and ready for intercourse in less then 30 seconds
  • No reported side effects
  • Cost effective – A custom Elator is only $298.00 and allows for nearly 4 years of use
  • No risk of losing your erection
  • Allows you to have intercourse as long as you like even after ejaculation

Cons:

  • Measuring your penis can be tricky. Approximately 25% of the time it requires an additional shaft.
  • Initial investment may seem a bit expensive for some men because it is not yet covered by medical insurance.
  • The gentle sensation of the shaft may take some getting use to for both the man or woman

5. DO MEN NEED TO SHAVE?

It’s not required but some men choose to. The only area that could pinch or pull hair is where the back of the Elator attaches to the base ring.

6. HOW LONG CAN IT STAY ON?

As long as the man or woman is physically capable.

7. HOW CAN A WOMAN INTRODUCE THE ELATOR TO HER PARTNER WHOM SHE THINKS MIGHT BENEFIT FROM IT?

A woman may introduce the Elator to her partner as a simple and effective natural solution that has been especially designed for a healthy sex life. It can be encouraged for a simple way to have intercourse never like before. One that will increase intimacy within a relationship. It can also be positioned for those moments where by erectile frequency may be a challenge. Just by keeping in the night stand drawers helps the confidence levels to know that its there, just in case.

8. HOW CAN A GUY LET A NEW PARTNER KNOW THAT HE’S GOING TO USE THE DEVICE?

Communication is critical in any relationship. It is important for the man to share his feelings as to how important intimacy is when in a relationship. It is essential to include your partner when discussing options for ED treatment and possible ED solutions. Communication about ED may be uncomfortable, however it plays a significant part to relieve unwanted stress. Resilient communication creates a strong bond within a relationship for those struggling with erectile dysfunction. With each conversation, those involved may experience unexpected highs and lows. It is critical to have a loving, compassionate partner to be patient and supportive through the process. Physical connection is essential in any healthy relationship and this connection should be your end goal no matter what obstacles are involved. It is imperative to unite and agree that you are in this together and together you will prevail with the device.

9. WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION MEN ASK ABOUT THE ELATOR?

How do I measure my penis? We have an online video on YouTube which addresses this question. https://youtu.be/AokWVYxpzY4

Will it hurt my partner? No, it will not hurt my partner. In addition, it is made with medical grade silicon which is safe for woman.

10. WHAT ARE THE REACTIONS OF WOMEN WHOSE PARTNERS USE IT? CAN THEY FEEL IT DURING PENETRATION? 

Our feed back has been consistent. Women say they don’t feel the front loop because it is gently tucked behind the head of the penis. Woman have reported they slightly feel the support bars on the bottom but it is not painful or uncomfortable. In some instances it actually feels like an erect penis.

11. WHERE IS THE ELATOR AVAILABLE?

The device is available worldwide. Due to its custom nature we ship everything from San Diego, California.

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER PRODUCTS IN THE WORKS?

We are working on vibrating attachment to the base ring.

Read more in the USA today panel of experts by Mark Schneider.

Give The Perfect V-Day BJ

Do you know how to train your throat not to gag? Do you know what is even more sensitive than the head of the penis? Well, neither did I until I took Chris and Larkin’s “Blow Jobs & Beyond” workshop at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, California, last week. If you don’t know what to get your man for Valentine’s Day, give him the gift of the perfect blowjob! Here are some of Chris and Larkin’s best tips…

Give Him a Nice View

Guys are visual creatures. The first step is to dress up for his Valentine’s Day blowjob. Wear lingerie or whatever he finds you sexiest in. Next, find the right position that gives him a view of your favorite assets. If he’s a butt guy, give him a view of your ass by lying on your stomach facing down to service him.

Or, if he’s a boobs guy, have him sit on the bed or stand while you are on your knees in your best push-up bra. “Don’t forget eye contact,” says Chris, who not only teaches classes at The Pleasure Chest but is also founder of GoFraternize.org, which is a community for “guys who like guys.”

I personally like to have my fingernails nice and long and painted because a boyfriend once told me he loved how his cock looked in my hand.

Worship His Cock

Enthusiasm is the most important trait of a great blowjob. You see, men love their penises. They want you love their penises as well. If you love him, love his cock. Tell him it’s beautiful. Tell him you can’t wait to devour it. He needs to feel like it’s not a “job” for you.

“It’s empowering because it’s his prized possession,” says Chris. I could not agree more. And, as Larkin pointed out during the seminar, Samantha on Sex and the City once said, “Maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls!”

If you truly don’t love sucking dick, well, don’t do anything you don’t want to. But, try to give it a go, girls… especially for Valentine’s Day!

Practice Deep-Throating

Now, this is a new tip to me! If your guy is itching to have you deep-throat him, but your gag reflect just won’t allow it, you can actually train your natural gag reflex to not be so sensitive.

Here’s how: “Every day when you brush your teeth, brush the back of your tongue and go further back each time until you get used it,” advises Larkin.

I’m on Day 7 of Deep Throat Training and it’s going well. I’ll think I’ll be ready by Valentine’s Day! 

Don’t Forget The Frenulum

I always knew the tip of the penis was the most sensitive, but I didn’t know that the frenulum – the V-shaped ridge part of the head also called the “sweet spot” – is specifically the most sensitive. “Using your tongue in different ways on his frenulum. You can use the flat part of your tongue and then the pointy tip of your tongue. You can lick, suck, and blow on it, or try an ice cube,” says Chris.

Give Your Mouth a Rest

You are bound to give a better blowjob if you are comfortable and not stuck doing one monotonous thing over and over. “No one wants to spend 20 minutes straight sucking dick in one position. You want to mix it up by using toys, your mouth, and your hand. 80% of a good blowjob is a good handjob,” says Larkin.

Using an open-ended masturbation sleeve is a fun way to mix it up. This way you can be sucking and licking the tip of his penis while jerking him off with the sleeve. The Pleasure Chest’s Better Blowjob Kit includes a sleeve, a flavorful lube (to either help prevent dry mouth while sucking or to use for an easier handjob), and a vibrating cock ring to give him some extra fun down under.

My favorite BJ product is Doc Johnsons’ GoodHead Wet Head dry mouth spray in sweet strawberry. You’ll never have to worry about not having enough saliva again!

Read Dr. Ava ‘s Give The Perfect V-Day VJ here!

How To Make Love To A Penis

Among the many lessons I’ve learned from the men in my life, one that may come as a particular surprise to women is that not all blowjobs are created equal. In fact, there is such a thing as a bad blow job, and men are disappointed with their partners’ orals skills more than ladies may know. Why? “She was just trying to hurry up and get the job done,” is an explanation I hear over and over again.

Although women do earn kudos for being proactive in bed, many of them seem to be going through the motions, something men actually do notice and do experience frustration with.

While there is a time and a place for all techniques, we ladies must remember that we aren’t the only gender who appreciates slow sensuality and the art of lovemaking. Men may not vocalize it, but they also like moments of non-penetrative body worship. Even if he doesn’t yet know the pleasures of cock-amory, if you will, trust that he’ll want more of it after you orally express your loving desire for his lingam.

So how exactly does one “make love to the penis,” as one of my frustrated male friends described it? Slow down, baby, and become more involved.

Remember that he has sensitivity around his cock, not just in it, and that licking, kissing and sucking not just his dick, but other areas very close by can create a sensational buildup and delightful breaks in between those moments your mouth is full of phallus. Guys go nuts over their nuts being played with and I’ve never met a man who didn’t welcome his perineum being teased.

Use your tongue, not just your lips, when you work your way up and down his dick, and remember that the varied use of a free hand will create a more robust sensation when combined with your sensual suck.

Men aren’t always looking for a jerking up and down motion, they actually love to be stroked, tickled and caressed while your mouth is exploring his body and capturing his gentle reactions to your controlled, wet, movements. Try gently and slowly stroking his shaft while also softly sucking a testicle. Or, try teasing just the dense nerve endings of his glans and corona with the inside of your lips while massaging his taint or his anus.

There are so many different bits to give attention to and so many ways to do it, so if you think you may be stuck in an oral rut, definitely try to slow it down and switch things up. Oral sex is not Daft Punk. Harder, faster and stronger does not mean better.

Again, there’s a time and place for everything, but if we stop thinking of giving oral sex as a motion that must quickly be completed, and start treating the act like his body is poetry rolling off our tongues and feathers under our fingertips, you may find that your skills quickly earn the title of “best blowjob ever.”

Yes, ladies, men do want to be made love to, and so do their penises.

Pheromones Make You More Attractive, Social & Successful

Have you ever been drawn to someone whose smell was intoxicating and you just couldn’t stop thinking about them? That’s called chemical attraction, and is caused by our natural pheromones that are secreted from our glands, which send signals to trigger specific mating responses in our brain. They are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage known as VMO, then send messages to the brain to interpret signals that can include fertility, confidence, sexual attraction, trustworthiness and even success or power. Consequently, pheromones can produce overwhelming attraction, even when the physical attributes are lacking.

Studies have shown that pheromones can help others to see you as more open, attractive, charismatic, and easy to talk to. They can facilitate conversations, interest and create enhanced friendly feelings. For best results, apply just below the neckline and wrists where you have your sweat glands. For a variety of products infused with pheromones such as candles, fragrances and sunscreen, go to here.

Our natural gender specific pheromones include Androstenone associated with alpha male sexual tension, Androstenedione, a chemical found in sweat, Androstenol, the female pheromone associated with romantic interest and Copulines, the female pheromone released during ovulation that has been shown to increase male testosterone.

Pheromones are emitted from our sweat glands, pulse points and anywhere that we have hair, so you can release attraction-boosting signals by going commando, not showering right after exercising and by not wearing deodorant or fragrances that will mask your natural scent. I’m not suggesting that you don’t maintain good hygiene, but bathing with warm water while cutting down on soap will wash off fewer of your body’s pheromones. You can also enhance your pheromones by eating foods high in zinc such as oysters and other fresh seafood aphrodisiacs known to increase testosterone in men and women.

Independent studies have been conducted at leading universities worldwide, such as Stanford University, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of Chicago and the Karolinska Institute, one of Sweden’s oldest medical schools have shown that pheromones do have a profound effect on human behavior.

Can A Woman Be A Slut & A Mom?

I remember the first time I was called a slut. I had been sleeping around a group of friends at our “brother” high school, including the boy with whom I lost my virginity, and the “body count” was piling up faster than a John Wayne Gacy biopic. I was fifteen, horny and thrilled to finally be getting male attention. They liked me they really liked me. Once they slept with me, they didn’t seem to like me as much, but I was remarkably unfazed by this. Ah teenage love… One fine day another kid from the aforementioned boys’ high school came up to me at the train station. He had light red hair and I thought he liked me so I talked to him, although he had kind of a weird vibe. Apropos of nothing, he said, “Why are you such a slut?”

I walked away, my heart pounding in humiliation, but resolute I wasn’t going to let him see me sweat. Even then I wondered why there wasn’t a word for a promiscuous boy? Calling a boy “Casanova,” “Don Juan,” or even “man whore” just didn’t seem insulting enough. The Sluts at my school and I were having a competition to add notches to the bedpost, even collecting ties from boys from the other school, and yet other girls would label them disparagingly. Where was the female James Bond, with a dude ready to roll around the sheets with in every port?

My career as a Slut progressed impressively, mildly impeded by being married for twelve years, in a relationship for fourteen. I was in the middle of bedding the strange and wonderful world of New York City men in my early twenties, when I met my ex-husband, and instantly knew we would get married, have kids; the whole works as we would say if we were ordering our relationship on a sandwich.

Throughout the fourteen years of my relationship with my husband I was 99.9% monogamous (except that one time at a yoga retreat in Oregon, but I confessed right afterwards.) The least I felt I owed my husband was to report my occasional platonic crushes on other people, male and female, the mere act of communicating them negating the dramatic experience of having a secret crush. As our marriage became more strained however, these crushes became much more like what the Internet would call “emotional affairs” but still not consummated (except that one guy who kissed me in a parking lot and I kissed him back, not in Oregon. But that’s it I swear.)

During the marriage, and as a mother of two small children, I saw myself as an ex-slut: someone who still loved sex, but had systematically negated its importance in my life. By the time I emerged from the marital cocoon, I was ready to take back the term and be the slutty butterfly I was always supposed to become. As a woman in my late thirties, I found that true to the old homily I was indeed at my sexual peak, with no shortage of suitors, in an age range I had not even considered when married. Apparently that whole MILF thing is really a thing, and there are plenty of guys who are excited by women who are confident in our own bodies, in a way we hadn’t been in our twenties when all the bits still had their media-approved perkiness.

I am a mother first. Also I am an artist- writer, actor, film-maker, comedian etc. I’m a friend, a daughter, and a person with many interests and personality “quirks.” I am also having the best sex of my life with other single people who want to have the best sex of their lives, but I’m not going to pretend that sometimes it doesn’t get emotionally messy.

As my views on sex have become more liberated, I have also found that the chemicals released when you sleep with someone (Oxytocin, Dopamine, Adrenaline) and their subsequent withdrawal, have been a great vehicle to understand more about myself and my expectations. What am I looking for exactly? Am I trying to fill my emptiness through another person? In order to be a truly self-actualized,ethical slut it is necessary to come from a place of wholeness—nothing is missing from my life—I simply want this sexual experience because I was lucky enough to be given a life to live and a body that functions perfectly. I am hereby taking back the word “slut,” just as female rappers have taken back the word “bitch.” I am a Slut. And loving it.

So the answer to the question: “Can a woman be a slut and a mom?” is “Yes. But not at the same time.”

*originally published at MalibuMom

Why It Matters When You Want Sex

Sometimes partners just don’t want sex at the same time. This simple discrepancy can lead to dissatisfaction when sex never seems to happen, or miscommunication when neither person talks about why sex never seems to happen – and even arguments, with accusations like, “You never want sex.” Sound familiar?

In a survey of 2,300 people in Britain, almost two-thirds of women (63 per cent) and 54 per cent of men said they wanted sex as much as their current partner.

However, there were big differences in how couples’ sex drives vary during the week.

  • Just over half of men (51 per cent) said their sex drive was pretty constant, compared to just 36 per cent of women.
  • Almost half of women (47 per cent) said their sex drive was driven by their moods but this applied to just 34 per cent of men.
  • More than two-thirds of women (68 per cent) and 63 per cent of men had dated someone whose sex drive was different from their own.
  • This caused issues for 44 per cent of women but just a third (33 per cent) of men.

The survey revealed a staggering difference in the sexes’ optimum moment for passion:

It found that 78 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women desire sex most at different times of the day.

  • Men feel at their friskiest first thing in the morning. More than a quarter (28 per cent) most desire sex between 6am and 9am – with the most popular time at 7.54am.
  • Just 11 per cent of women feel most passionate at this time. Desire levels for women rise throughout the day and reach their peak between 11pm and 2am.

In short, one is a morning person, and the other a night owl.

It is common knowledge that most couples have sexual drive discrepancy (one wanting sex more than the other). However what is also a common complaint in my practice is when they want sex. Sex becomes a chore when one’s body just wants to sleep!

What can be done?

Here are some of my suggestions:

  1. Prioritize sleep – A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has found that women who get one more hour of sleep increase their sex drive. A sleepy person is a grumpy person. Since we deal with sleep deprivation differently, we really ought to quit judging, comparing and complaining.
  2. Make time for sex – We schedule time for everything else that’s important. How about if we get over our digust for the lack of spontanity? This is life. We have challenges and things come up. Therefore, we need to make time for what’s important, even if it means penciling it down!
  3. Adapt and adjust – Some compromise and negotiation needs to be involved to adapt and adjust to each other’s needs, wants and desires. An example might be sex in the morning this week, and evening the next.
  4. Discuss and discuss – Keep communication channels open. Even when there is no conclusion, this can be the one thing that helps when frustration is high and cross words are exchanged.
  5. Seek help – There is absolutely no need to soldier on and suffer in silence. Often, a trained external party like myself can come in and bring illumination to the situation.

Sex is more than sex. A happy couple who are both sexually happy are stronger as individuals for it.

How To Make A DIY Sex-Attracting Fragrance

Olfactory senses play a significant part in our sexual stimulation. Whether we’re aware of it or not, smells send important chemical messages to potential mates. Tests show that Lavender ranked highly among both men and women, but the scent of licorice earned the most positive erotic response from females while pumpkin (more accurately, the spices we associate with pumpkin) was #1 among men. How appropriate that the holiday season is upon us. It’s one that often hosts scents of spiced pumpkin and other tasty foods, so naturally, it should be one that inspires people to get a little closer. Fun fact: most babies are conceived in December! Coincidence?

If you’re in the mood to entice your romantic interest and heat things up indoors while things get cooler outdoors, you may want to consider creating the ideal scent for your room or for yourself. The steps below are simple, so if you have even the slightest talent for DIY projects, the following is definitely worth trying.

For body:

To make your own irresistible scent, you’ll need a carrier oil, such as jojoba, almond, grapeseed, avocado or sesame oil. These are all easily accessible oils that are lightweight and safely absorb into your skin.

You will also need 100% pure essential oils. FYI, licorice is a difficult smell to come by, but fennel and anise have a licorice smell. Below are suggested oils for you to select from and create your own holiday spice mixture.

In a 10ml roller bottle or perfume jar, mix 10 – 14 drops of each of your favorite smells. You’ll probably want to keep this below 24 drops in total and if you want a particular scent to be stronger, make that number of drops greater than the other scents (EX: 14 drops lead scent, 8 drops secondary scent or 10, 8, 6 of a combo of 3 oils). Fill the rest of the bottle with your preferred carrier oil, close and shake. Apply to hot spots on your body like the back of your neck, wrists or insides of your elbows when you’re ready to seduce.

For home:

  • Decorative jar
  • Reed diffuser sticks
  • Essential oils (Ex: cedarwood, lime, vanilla, nutmeg, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, pine, orange, anise, ginger)

To create your own diffuser, blend 1/4 cup of hot water with ¼ cup of vodka…yes, vodka. Then, ad no more than 25 drops of whichever combination of essential oils you chose to blend to create your ideal scent. Mix it up, then carefully pour it in into a decorative jar. Dip a handful of diffuser sticks in the jar, then take your stick out, turn them upside down, place them back in the jar and let them stay in that way. The subtle scent that this ads to your home will help set the right mood for your time with you company.

Enjoy!