As National Masturbation Month winds down, you might be tempted to touch yourself less.
You might think now is a good time to submit to hibernation with just one toy.
Do you really need to get completely naked?
Touch yourself totally?
Treat yourself to something new?
I had such fun celebrating masturbation at last weekend’s Taboo Brunch, I thought I’d detail some of my talk here. If you skipped the brunch, you missed out on exclusive content such as biased poll results, accidental puns, and me waving uncut dildos in the air. I’ll give you a peek at my main point, though:
You not only deserve masturbation, you deserve GOOD masturbation.
I often refer to masturbation as “self love.” Partly, I call it that because they don’t let me say “rub one out” on the radio. But also, touching yourself can and should be an expression of love. Your body is beautiful. It deserves to be caressed. And you deserve to caress it.
You also deserve to know it. Too often, we avoid looking at our naked bodies. We don’t want to see our flaws, and we definitely don’t want to know what’s hiding in the spots we can’t see. But we can’t love what we don’t know, and loving ourselves inspires the positivity and confidence that makes it easy to be loved by others.
So turn on the lights. Get completely naked. Look in a mirror. Straddle a mirror. Then start touching yourself.
Start slowly. Start with your hand. Run your fingers up your arm, along your collar bone, between your breasts. We lead busy lives, frequently out of our own skin. We’re online, on social media, on to the next thing. Be present in your body. You have access to so much sensation without gels and toys. Awaken that, first.
And then, bring in gels and toys. Because you deserve it.
Got a favorite? Good. But regardless of your relationship status, no one wins with toy monogamy. Employ your favorite frequently, but don’t forget that there are other toys in the box.
And if your favorite is a clitoral blaster that quickly knocks your orgasms out, congratulations. You’ve succeeded in masturbation, or at least crossed the finish line. But, while orgasms themselves pack a ton of health benefits (heart health, lowered risk of diabetes, better sleep, kegel strength, relaxation, I could go on and on) you haven’t really given your body the attention it deserves.
With our partners, we put in work. We aim to keep things fresh and exciting. Because we desire our lovers, we relish touching their skin and being touched by their hands. Because we care for them, we want them to feel fantastic.
By ourselves, we often assume the most physically comfortable position, yank our pants down, and reach for whatever toy is easily accessible and fully charged.
My Taboo Toy Reviews have enabled me to “date” a ton of toys. We’ve shared dinners and movie nights and I’ve given some of them names. It’s probably my solo use of couples toys, however, that has really impressed upon me the equality of sex with a partner and sex with oneself. I’m not suggesting you handcuff yourself to your bed, but I’m not suggesting you don’t.
Discounting a toy or practice as a “couples thing” unnecessarily limits the fun you can have by yourself. Before I received my first anal toy for review, it never would have dawned on me to invite anal stimulation into masturbation. Uncomfortable at first but eventually rewarding, “butt stuff” is like slaving over a stove all day for a delicious ten minute meal. I’m a lot more apt to do it if I’ve got someone to share it with.
But if I don’t, do I deserve that meal less? Is it any less satisfying?
Your strides are limited inside your own comfort zone. Switch toys, rooms, positions. Suction a dildo to the edge of your tub and ride it. Suction it to your shower and back it on up. Not super into nipple stuff? Pinch your nipples anyway. Lick them if you can. Suck your toes. Smack your ass.
Love yourself as fully as you love your partners, and then invite them to love you that way, too.
I’m excited to announce that Dr. Ava Cadell has been nominated for ‘Sexpert of the Year‘ by the X-Biz awards! Of course, she has been enjoying her status as Sexual Health Expo’s ‘Sexpert of the Year‘ throughout 2015, so she’s a natural candidate.
Dr. Ava’s been busy traveling to China to lecture, revamping her Loveology University (launching February 2016) and appearing on television often. She took Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett to her Intimacy Retreat on the reality show Kendra on Top to counsel them on their marital issues, and then in an unforgettable comic turn, she played the sex therapist on the hilarious new IFC show, Gigi Does It! If comedy chops are part of the Sexpert of the Year criteria, she will win hands down.
The other nominees are also very accomplished, excellent sexologists. Here is the esteemed list, and you can cast your vote here: Vote for X-Biz Sexpert of the Year
Sexpert of the Year Nominees
- Dr. Ava Cadell
- Dr. Jess
- Elle Chase
- Emily Morse
- Hernando Chaves
- Jessica Drake
- Reid Mihalko
- Sienna Sinclaire
- Sunny Megatron
Digital Indiscretions is a three part series on infidelity in the age of technology. The series is based on Dr. Ebony Utley’s interviews with U.S. women about their experiences with infidelity. Interviewees chose their own pseudonyms to protect their privacy.
In the past, infidelity was more difficult to prove—that is, until it met technology. Not only do we have dating sites today, we also have dating sites designed to facilitate extramarital affairs. And we have hackers who breach dating sites designed to facilitate extramarital affairs.
Evidence from a massive hack certainly makes it easier to receive a confession from a cheating partner, but hacking isn’t the only way women have creatively used technology to prove their suspicions of infidelity.
When Hope found evidence of her husband’s inappropriate behavior on Facebook, she told herself, “I have to print it out so if I ever change my mind or he makes up a really good lie I can go back and look at it and remember why this won’t work out.” When her husband continued to lie she showed the printed messages to his parents.
She recalled, “It wasn’t until probably my fourth installment of emails, pictures, and video that I sent his parents and they were over there crying, that he said “Okay, I did it. Just stop sending stuff to my parents.” Hope admitted that she did not want to send so much proof to his parents, but she desperately needed them to know the truth.
Hope’s decision to print her evidence was an opportunity to create physical proof of his digital indiscretions. Lassie also printed all of the sexual communications between her fiancé and the other women that she found in his email. She said, “I printed them out and I just left them—I wanted to really screw with him, so I left them on the floor with my engagement ring on top of them and then left the apartment and waited for him to come home.”
Whereas Hope and Lassie printed the virtual evidence so they would have physical proof, Pauline engaged in what she called “a whole different game of technology” when she found virtual evidence of her boyfriend’s emotional affair.
“I screen shot all the messages to myself and I had thought about posting them to Facebook. I thought, ‘No, I’m not going to be public like that, then I’d be one of those messy girls.’ At my age, that’s not okay.” So I kept them to myself… When I woke him up I just said everything that I had found, and I was like, “Before you say anything, don’t try to deny it because I’ve screen shot everything to my phone and I have their numbers.”
Pauline didn’t need physical evidence. She used technology for her record keeping. Not only did these women use technology to discover their partners’ infidelity but they used technology to procure confessions.
Some Ashley Madison users may confess before the hackers determine whether to make good on their threat to release all their information, but I’m sure others will wait until a partner confronts them with undeniable proof, whether it be printed or on a screen.
I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Reid Mihalko, The Sex Geek for my show on Rough Sex! While almost every woman who replied to my query about whether or not they liked rough sex replied with an emphatic “YES!!!” there seemed to be just as many men who don’t know how to pull it off.
Thankfully, The Sex Geek was on hand and ready to save the day! With practical advice and words of encouragement and enlightenment, everyone will gain the confidence to give it a whirl…. or a smack, pull, or choke. *wink, wink*
Here’s a sample of our discussion, but if you want the full interview and Reid’s tips on how to spank, pull hair, and choke your lover the right way, check out the free information on his website, or listen to the entire episode on Playboy Radio, Ep #39.
Do you know how to train your throat not to gag? Do you know what is even more sensitive than the head of the penis? Well, neither did I until I took Chris and Larkin’s “Blow Jobs & Beyond” workshop at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, California, last week. If you don’t know what to get your man for Valentine’s Day, give him the gift of the perfect blowjob! Here are some of Chris and Larkin’s best tips…
Give Him a Nice View
Guys are visual creatures. The first step is to dress up for his Valentine’s Day blowjob. Wear lingerie or whatever he finds you sexiest in. Next, find the right position that gives him a view of your favorite assets. If he’s a butt guy, give him a view of your ass by lying on your stomach facing down to service him.
Or, if he’s a boobs guy, have him sit on the bed or stand while you are on your knees in your best push-up bra. “Don’t forget eye contact,” says Chris, who not only teaches classes at The Pleasure Chest but is also founder of GoFraternize.org, which is a community for “guys who like guys.”
I personally like to have my fingernails nice and long and painted because a boyfriend once told me he loved how his cock looked in my hand.
Worship His Cock
Enthusiasm is the most important trait of a great blowjob. You see, men love their penises. They want you love their penises as well. If you love him, love his cock. Tell him it’s beautiful. Tell him you can’t wait to devour it. He needs to feel like it’s not a “job” for you.
“It’s empowering because it’s his prized possession,” says Chris. I could not agree more. And, as Larkin pointed out during the seminar, Samantha on Sex and the City once said, “Maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls!”
If you truly don’t love sucking dick, well, don’t do anything you don’t want to. But, try to give it a go, girls… especially for Valentine’s Day!
Now, this is a new tip to me! If your guy is itching to have you deep-throat him, but your gag reflect just won’t allow it, you can actually train your natural gag reflex to not be so sensitive.
Here’s how: “Every day when you brush your teeth, brush the back of your tongue and go further back each time until you get used it,” advises Larkin.
I’m on Day 7 of Deep Throat Training and it’s going well. I’ll think I’ll be ready by Valentine’s Day!
Don’t Forget The Frenulum
I always knew the tip of the penis was the most sensitive, but I didn’t know that the frenulum – the V-shaped ridge part of the head also called the “sweet spot” – is specifically the most sensitive. “Using your tongue in different ways on his frenulum. You can use the flat part of your tongue and then the pointy tip of your tongue. You can lick, suck, and blow on it, or try an ice cube,” says Chris.
Give Your Mouth a Rest
You are bound to give a better blowjob if you are comfortable and not stuck doing one monotonous thing over and over. “No one wants to spend 20 minutes straight sucking dick in one position. You want to mix it up by using toys, your mouth, and your hand. 80% of a good blowjob is a good handjob,” says Larkin.
Using an open-ended masturbation sleeve is a fun way to mix it up. This way you can be sucking and licking the tip of his penis while jerking him off with the sleeve. The Pleasure Chest’s Better Blowjob Kit includes a sleeve, a flavorful lube (to either help prevent dry mouth while sucking or to use for an easier handjob), and a vibrating cock ring to give him some extra fun down under.
My favorite BJ product is Doc Johnsons’ GoodHead Wet Head dry mouth spray in sweet strawberry. You’ll never have to worry about not having enough saliva again!
Read Dr. Ava ‘s Give The Perfect V-Day VJ here!
It used to be that people cheated because they couldn’t keep it in their pants, were unhappy in their relationships, or just bored with their partners. Well, that’s just part of the infidelity puzzle. Some doctors are saying that another factor can be genetics.
A few research studies, including the much-talked about 2014 study by Brendan P. Zietsch, a psychologist at the University of Queensland, Australia, showed that people who cheated had a certain variant of vasopressin, a hormone that is associated with attachment and bonding. The research shows that this might be one contributing genetic factor to infidelity.
Psychotherapy, sex therapy, and even spiritual work (whether it’s medication or faith-based), has long been the path to work on marriages plagued by infidelity. However, some prominent doctors, such as John Gray, PhD., author of Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus, and Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love, have also been using supplemental therapy to help their patients remain faithful. And, it’s working…for them. It should be noted, that it is a controversial practice with little to no scientific backing and not meant to be the “cure to infidelity.”
“Your brain chemicals can be changed to help stop an affair or not want an affair,” says Dr. Eaker Weil. “This really takes a little bit of the stigma and emotional pain out of an affair. I’m not excusing it, but I tell my patients, ‘Listen it’s not entirely in your control.'” Of course, you can’t blame cheating solely on your genes, which is why a combination of psychotherapy with supplements and lifestyle changes is really what the doctors’ are ordering here.
It’s not entirely unlike using St. John’s Wart to help with depression, valerian root to help with anxiety, and supplements to aid in your workouts.
The first step, though, is to find out if there is a chemical imbalance is at play here. ” Some M.D.s will do blood, urine, and/or saliva tests for adrenals, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, etc., to see if you do have a chemical imbalance and then can advise you on which supplements are needed to help balance any imbalances out,” she says.
The most impressive and fast acting supplement, according to both, is low dose lithium orotate, which is more commonly also used to treat a variety of issues, anxiety and depression. “It’s all natural and has no side effects. Within days most people notice improved mood, focus, motivation, and low stress. For maximum benefit it’s best combined with therapy along with vitamins B6, D3, K2 and Omega 3,” says Dr. Gray.
Dr. Eaker Weil says that the main reason lithium orotate is so powerful in her practice is because it stimulates oxytocin – the cuddle hormone that makes you feel safe and bonded. “It helps simmer down the vasopressin. I’ve seen it stop the craving for adultery in my practice,” she says. In her couples counseling, she prescribes this supplement to both partners to help them reconnect and reignite their bond. She uses it in conjunction with the prescription oxytocin pill.
Other supplements Gray and Eaker Weil have used include L-theanine, derived from tealeaves, and rhodiola. “Both help to calm and reduce stress, which balances you, grounds you, gives you clarity, and in turn helps with therapy and stopping the need for cheating. Rhodiola also helps with fatigue. We all know that stress and fatigue are contributing factors to infidelity,” says Eaker Weil.
It should be noted that, that “there is no scientific evidence to support treating people with medications or supplements to prevent infidelity,” as one expert in the field who wishes to remain anonymous points out.
When I won the very first “Sexpert of the Year” award at the Sexual Health Expo in 2015 (now called Sex Expo), and to be frank, I was taken completely by surprise. I remember seeing the list of high profile nominees like Sunny Megatron and Emily Morse, thinking one of them will surely win, considering everything they contribute to sex education and entertainment.
This month I’m lucky again with a feature article called “From Sex Symbol to Sex Guru” in Sexual Health magazine where Editor-in-chief Ariana Rodriguez interviewed me about how my life journey from a refugee, to orphan, to sex symbol to sexpert led to a successful career in sexology, my new sexual healing book, what’s new with Sexycises and my pheromone jewelry line with Eye of Love.
The SexualHealth crew came to my house aka Shangri-La in Malibu for the photo shoot with Ariana, photographer Dean Capture, Sex Expo producer Sara Ramirez. Paula Tiberius, editor of Sexpert.com and my right hand for the past five years and I had a fun time collaborating on poses and outfits to show the different sides of my persona.
Zorro, my ten year old Ragdoll cat was locked in a bedroom for most of the day, so by the time he came out for his part of the photoshoot, he was pretty grumpy. But we managed to get some flattering shots of him anyway. Don’t worry, I’m not strangling him.
One of the things I love about the Sexual Health Magazine is that they honor the valuable work being done in sexual wellness by so many different experts. If you look at the recent winners, there’s the TV sexologist and author Dr. Jessica O’Reilly who’s touring the world with her speaking engagements and retreats teaching people how to communicate their desires and improve their love lives and Jessica Drake who has turned her adult film stardom into another career as a sex educator, re-inventing sexual instructional videos with her “Guide To Wicked Sex” series. The 2018 winner is sex and relationship therapist Dr. Chris Donaghue, author of “Sex Outside the Lines,” host of Loveline and Director of Clinical Education for the Sexual Health Alliance. I’m honored to be in the company of these individuals who all have their own unique contribution, like me with my university, www.LoveUniv.com.
I believe these awards are an opportunity to lift up voices all across the spectrum of sex educators and love coaches. The bottom line is that it feels great to be validated by a pioneer publication like Sexual Health Magazine because it lets me know that I’m on the right path. I love joining forces with my peers to make the world a more loving place.
Read the full March 2018 issue of Sexual Health magazine for many insightful, informative articles by sexperts.