Monday, September 24, 2018

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift – A Kinky Massage!

Scrambling for a Valentine’s Day gift idea and the standard heart shaped box of chocolates isn’t cutting it? Looking for something to make your partner feel appreciated, pampered, and help you both intimately connect? After reading my BDSM series, are you eager to try something a little unconventional? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, an erotic kinky massage may be the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Even better, it won’t cost you a thing.

What exactly is a kinky massage?

You don’t have to be be an expert masseuse or an experienced BDSM master to give this type of massage. In fact it’s a great place to start experimenting with the four basic BDSM techniques from my last article.
A kinky massage combines full-body massage with BDSM play types like sensory deprivation, sensation play, bondage, and impact play. How much massage and kink you include is up to you and your partner. Those new to BDSM can keep things on the lighter side while more experienced players can bring in specialized equipment and play harder. Genital massage and sex can also be a part of your routine but they don’t have to be.

How do I start?

Begin your kinky massage by undressing your lover and laying them on a massage table or comfortable bed. Because sensory deprivation is a key element in a kinky massage, a blindfold is a must. Headphones playing instrumental music can help the receiver further relax and tune out the outside world. Light restraints on the wrists and/or ankles may also do the same. Make sure the room is warm enough for their comfort and smells pleasant. Scented candles or incense are a nice addition.
You can start the session like any other full body massage. Take time working on major muscle groups and relaxing your partner. Don’t rush straight for the genitals. Instead concentrate on releasing all tension from their entire body. Using a sex friendly massage oil will allow you to transition to more erotic activities later without skipping a beat. Extra Virgin Coconut oil is a personal favorite and is safe for all types of genitals. Don’t use coconut oil with latex condoms, however, because oil is not compatible with latex.
Once your partner is completely relaxed and turned on, slowly transition in kinky elements.
In my last article I recommended opposites for sensation play. You’ll apply the same principles here. Gently rub something soft along their skin, then something slightly scratchy. Next go for warm and cold, firm and light, etc.

What do I use?

If you are just starting out, use ‘pervertables’ from around your home or those purchased inexpensively at a dollar store. Car washing mitts, feather dusters, bristle brushes, loofah sponges, kitchen utensils, and clothes pins are all wonderful items to repurpose as kinky sensation tools. Don’t forget to grab some sex toys from the bedside drawer too. You can use a simple bullet vibrator on nipples, the nape of the neck, or behind the knees for a unique sensation.
If you are a more experienced BDSM player, get out your floggers, nipple clamps, canes, and the like. Just like a vibrator has alternative sensual uses, so does some of your kinky equipment. Take your flogger and drizzle it across skin for a tickling sensation or use the handle as an impact instrument. No matter what your experience level, your imagination is one of the best tools you have in your arsenal.
It’s important to have your equipment and supplies laid out before you begin. Keep everything within easy reach for your kinky massage. Nothing kills the mood faster than running over to the closet to search for something you forgot.

How do I know what my partner will like or that I won’t go too far?

Before you begin, go over with your partner what they may or may not like during their massage. This pre-negotiation does not have to be as detailed as it would be for a heavier BDSM scene. You still need to find out the essentials, though. For instance, ask if they want to engage in impact play, if putting clothespins on their nipples is okay, if genital stimulation can be part of the massage, etc. Don’t forget to establish a safe word or signal so the receiver can let you know if you’ve crossed a boundary. Lastly, make sure to go over health issues or allergies that may affect the massage.
It’s also important go over how your partner likes to be rubbed because touch can be very subjective. I like firm, deep touches with the palm of the hand. The first time I massaged my husband I did it the way I like and he hated it! I found out he prefers light, soft strokes with the fingertips. Take a minute before you start to have your partner rub your arm the way they like to be touched. Then do it back on their arm to make sure you have the right technique down.

Read more about Bondassage

If erotic kinky massage sounds like something you may enjoy, I highly recommend reading Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Tips for Lovers by Jaeleen Bennis and Eve Minax. It’s a short book at a little over 100 pages that you can read in an afternoon. The Bondassage book is full of helpful information including specific massage techniques, music playlists, choreographed sample massage sequences, and equipment lists. Hands down, it’s the best resource on kinky massage available. If you’re curious what a Bondassage session is like check out this video.
Giving the gift of an erotic kinky massage for Valentine’s Day (or any day) can be a game changer in the bedroom. It’s a wonderful way to ease into BDSM or reacquaint you with a long time partner. You can even schedule massage time on a regular basis giving you each the opportunity to be the receiver. You never know, kinky erotic massage may just end up transforming your sex life.

Train Your Brain To Better Sex For $2.99

On April 12, 2018, Early Bird Books will be offering my book Neuroloveology: The Power to Mindful Love & Sex for only $2.99! I urge all my readers to snatch it up at this price because it’s packed with unique exercises on how to train your brain for better sex and a more fulfilling relationship.

Why should you buy this book? The main reason is that you should be making love a priority in your life! But since I’m an overachiever, I’ll give you ten other reasons:

  1. Experience Self-love and Acceptance

True love can only happen when you love yourself first. My tried and true plan for singles shows you how to benefit from neuroscience to get those brain chemical cocktails flowing, and how to exude confidence and sexiness to find the perfect partner. If you already have a partner, you’ll learn how to maintain passion and boost intimacy.

  1. Find & Maintain that Loving Feeling

Did you know that a 6-second hug releases oxytocin, the bonding and long-term love chemical in the brain? My book is filled with quick, easy ways to use brain science to boost intimacy between you and your partner. So, if you’re not hugging at least twice a day, you need this book.

  1. Replace Distractions with Mindfulness

Check my list of internal and external distractions to see what might be keeping you and your partner from having regular sex. Is the laundry basket visible from your bed? Are you worried the kids will barge in? Is the TV on or the clock facing you? Are you listening to negative self-talk? Learn how to clear away all distractions and get focused on your mutual pleasure.

  1. Enhance Left & Right Brain Communication Skills

Many couples are banging their heads against a wall trying to become closer, but their brains are clashing because they don’t know which brain hemisphere is most prominent for their partner. Find out with easy tests in my book whether your partner is left or right brained, and speak to them in their own language. You’ll be amazed how many couples experience dramatic results with this knowledge.

  1. Take Dating to a Higher Level of Intimacy

Learn all about the many stages of love, and what’s happening to your brain along the way. Feeling like your relationship has lost its fire because you’re suddenly not having sex three times a day? Take back the reins by realizing you’re in the next stage which can be just as exhilarating if you know how to dig deeper and experience more intimacy.

  1. Solve Relationship Problems with Meeting of the Minds

Find out what’s happening inside your partner’s brain, and learn to communicate with each other successfully to create the relationship that you truly desire, not the one that you’re settling for. Through my ‘brain activation’ exercises, you can grow brain cells, change the way you think, and get closer together with renewed mutual responsiveness.

  1. Raise Sex Hormones and Ignite or Rekindle Passion

Explore the five levels of touch to find out whether you and your partner agree on what it means to be passionate, or healing – or how about romantic? Get on the same page with dozens of exercises that teach you how to synchronize your bodies to be fully present and enjoy the best sex of your lives.

SEX equals Sexual Energy eXchange.

  1. Expand Physical, Emotional & Sexual Boundaries

Challenge your relationship to elevate to new heights of enrichment with my intimacy challenges that are also fun to do. Sharing romantic memories, naming your strengths and weaknesses, describing sexy fantasies – these verbal games grow your passion by allowing you to learn about each other. Plus you will never lose your curiosity for each other and have plenty to talk about on date night.

  1. Over 100 Neuro-cises to grow new brain cells and your relationship

Have you ever heard of “Mirror Neurons?” They activate upon watching and emulating the actions of your partner. When we laugh, for example we can actually feel the other person’s sensations, movements and emotions inside us. There are fun exercises in my book that bring couples closer together, using this cool brain function that creates a bridge between two brains. And that’s just one neuro-cise!

  1. Experience Braingasms

Learn the 7 steps to a “Braingasm,” a mind-blowing technique I developed by putting together all the powerful brain science I discovered while writing this book. You can experience a braingasm on your own or with your partner. And remember, sex begins between your ears, and then between your legs!

Don’t forget to sign up for your copy of Neuroloveology at $2.99! It’s one day only on April 12 – just fill in your e-mail here and click to buy when you receive April’s Newsletter.

Stay sexy!

More Toys For Masturbation Month

As National Masturbation Month winds down, you might be tempted to touch yourself less.

Don’t stop.

You might think now is a good time to submit to hibernation with just one toy.

More.

Do you really need to get completely naked?

Yes…

Touch yourself totally?

Yes…

Treat yourself to something new?

YES!

I had such fun celebrating masturbation at last weekend’s Taboo Brunch, I thought I’d detail some of my talk here. If you skipped the brunch, you missed out on exclusive content such as biased poll results, accidental puns, and me waving uncut dildos in the air. I’ll give you a peek at my main point, though:

You not only deserve masturbation, you deserve GOOD masturbation.

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I often refer to masturbation as “self love.” Partly, I call it that because they don’t let me say “rub one out” on the radio. But also, touching yourself can and should be an expression of love. Your body is beautiful. It deserves to be caressed. And you deserve to caress it.

You also deserve to know it. Too often, we avoid looking at our naked bodies. We don’t want to see our flaws, and we definitely don’t want to know what’s hiding in the spots we can’t see. But we can’t love what we don’t know, and loving ourselves inspires the positivity and confidence that makes it easy to be loved by others.

So turn on the lights. Get completely naked. Look in a mirror. Straddle a mirror. Then start touching yourself.

Start slowly. Start with your hand. Run your fingers up your arm, along your collar bone, between your breasts. We lead busy lives, frequently out of our own skin. We’re online, on social media, on to the next thing. Be present in your body. You have access to so much sensation without gels and toys. Awaken that, first.

And then, bring in gels and toys. Because you deserve it.

Got a favorite? Good. But regardless of your relationship status, no one wins with toy monogamy. Employ your favorite frequently, but don’t forget that there are other toys in the box.

And if your favorite is a clitoral blaster that quickly knocks your orgasms out, congratulations. You’ve succeeded in masturbation, or at least crossed the finish line. But, while orgasms themselves pack a ton of health benefits (heart health, lowered risk of diabetes, better sleep, kegel strength, relaxation, I could go on and on) you haven’t really given your body the attention it deserves.

With our partners, we put in work. We aim to keep things fresh and exciting. Because we desire our lovers, we relish touching their skin and being touched by their hands. Because we care for them, we want them to feel fantastic.

By ourselves, we often assume the most physically comfortable position, yank our pants down, and reach for whatever toy is easily accessible and fully charged.

My Taboo Toy Reviews have enabled me to “date” a ton of toys. We’ve shared dinners and movie nights and I’ve given some of them names. It’s probably my solo use of couples toys, however, that has really impressed upon me the equality of sex with a partner and sex with oneself. I’m not suggesting you handcuff yourself to your bed, but I’m not suggesting you don’t.

Discounting a toy or practice as a “couples thing” unnecessarily limits the fun you can have by yourself. Before I received my first anal toy for review, it never would have dawned on me to invite anal stimulation into masturbation. Uncomfortable at first but eventually rewarding, “butt stuff” is like slaving over a stove all day for a delicious ten minute meal. I’m a lot more apt to do it if I’ve got someone to share it with.

But if I don’t, do I deserve that meal less? Is it any less satisfying?

Your strides are limited inside your own comfort zone. Switch toys, rooms, positions. Suction a dildo to the edge of your tub and ride it. Suction it to your shower and back it on up. Not super into nipple stuff? Pinch your nipples anyway. Lick them if you can. Suck your toes. Smack your ass.

Love yourself.

Love yourself as fully as you love your partners, and then invite them to love you that way, too.

Sex, College & Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture – Interview with Author Cindy Pierce

I have long been interested in the psychology of young people when it comes to sex and relationships. There’s a lot of confusion about how to deal with negative emotions such as jealousy and rejection that lead to low-self esteem, poor body image and unhealthy competition. All these can shroud the path to healthy relationships and satisfying sex.

In my own seminars with young people, I often ask them to throw their anonymous questions into a hat so that they can receive answers and insight without any fear of shame or embarrassment. I believe direct, frank discussion is the best educational tool when it comes to uncomfortable topics like how to find love and define intimacy.

That’s why I was thrilled to discover Cindy Pierce’s book, Sex, College and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture, which lives up to its name with everything college age kids should know. I love her answers to my questions in this interview below, where she includes insights into how watching porn affects college sex, what terminology to use for the TGNC community, and some funny stories about how consent apps have managed to work their magic without actually functioning properly! Enjoy.

Dr. Ava Cadell: What inspired you to write this book?

Cindy Pierce: The rampant below-average hookup sex in collage motivates me to provide information and guidance to as many students as I can in hopes that they choose to raise their standards. There is a lot of pressure on college students to be super knowledgeable and confident about sex, but the reality is that most of them are confused and have a lot of questions. College students continue to report that hookup sex is not particularly enjoyable or fulfilling, but they are willing to keep it in hopes that it will get better.

Telling friends that you hooked up is satisfying because you have checked the box and joined the club. When asked, students are willing to break the unspoken hookup code by admitting they were expecting more. Relentless messaging through social media, peers and the culture perpetuate the idea that if you just keep hooking up, you will eventually figure sex out. In reality, better sex requires communication, connection and vulnerability, which is juxtaposed to the rules of disconnected, pretend-to-not-care hookup sex.

Great sex is happening with people who are in tune with what gives them pleasure and comfortable enough to speak up and guide their partners.  When students say, “It would be too awkward” to guide their partner, ask for consent, or discuss contraception and STIs, I remind them that being naked with another person and having sex is awkward. Two naked people having sex is a recipe for a wide variety of cringe-worthy moments, but communication can make it an excellent experience.

Before I got into this work, I assumed college students were dialed in with information on the Internet. The reverse is proving to be true. Reliable information improves people’s sex lives and helps reduce their anxieties.

AC: What advice do you have for college students who enjoy watching porn?

CP: Be a well-informed consumer. Masturbation is normal and healthy for everyone, but the content of porn skews expectations of how bodies appear and respond. Obviously, viewers understand that porn isn’t real and is meant for fantasy. The average age a boy in the U.S. looks at porn was recently age 11, but more findings have indicated that the average age is closer to 9. This means years of viewing porn reinforces ideas about sex before you have sex with an actual partner.

I have heard from many boys and young men that it is difficult to reconcile real-life sexual experiences with what has been getting them off. It is fairly common to hear that guys struggle to get off with a partner and rely on fantasies from porn to help them ejaculate. More and more guys report that they can only get off with porn. There is emotional safety in avoiding sex with a partner, and getting off with porn is easier than managing another person’s needs and potential rejection. Erectile Dysfunction is an increasing issue for college men. Many who stop looking at porn report their erectile function returns.

Girls and women are viewing more porn. Some are using it as masturbation fuel. Some girls tell me they get ideas for sex dares from porn. Some find it interesting to learn what their male friends or partners are spending so much time viewing. I hear from a lot of women that they try to like porn, but the objectification of and violence against women starts to grate on them. While there is feminist-made porn with healthier portrayals of women, those sites get less traffic and require more effort to find. A number of women claim they watch porn because guys want them to. Being a chill, uncomplicated girl or woman who doesn’t question objectification earns social credibility with some guys. Recent research indicates that many young women value pleasing their male partners and seeming hot more than they value understanding their own capacity for pleasure. Claims of sexual liberation and empowerment would be more compelling if more of these girls and women were authentically engaged in their own needs and pleasure, having orgasms and communicating their desires to their partners.

Males and females who watch a lot of porn report genital image issues. Most women in porn remove their pubic hair and surgically alter their vulvas. This trend originated when porn producers had to replace underage girls with adult women. Trimming the labia and removing pubic hair was intended to make the women look young. The average size penis in porn is around 8 inches. The average size of an average guy’s penis is 5.5 inches.

The privacy of Internet porn enables people to seek answers and avoid admitting to anyone what they don’t know about sex. The most frequently viewed porn, however, is misleading viewers about what converts to sexual encounters in real life. Porn is the first stop for sexuality education for most boys and a number of girls. It is rare to meet a college guy who doesn’t watch porn, or who hasn’t at least seen it. Occasionally, I hear about or meet the one guy from northern Maine or New Hampshire where dial-up limited his access to porn throughout his teens. The streaming issues made it annoying enough that they got really good at using their imaginations. Studies show that guys who stop looking at porn regain erectile function, a happier state of mind, productivity and a healthier highlight reel (fantasy reel).

One of the first college guys I interviewed said, “I am only masturbating to porn until I have a girlfriend or wife.” The poor dear thought he would have sex on tap (access to sex by virtue of sharing a bed with a woman) once he regularly shared a bed with a woman. I shattered his dreams when I informed him that sex on tap is a rare thing, especially if the couple has kids and a job or two. I also told him to keep up the masturbation skills as a gift to his future partners.  I consider this a public service.

AC: What are some of the pros and cons to sexting?

CP: Pros with twist of con – Sexting enables people to: think before they express themselves or post a photo; carefully prepare what they say or post; keep some distance from emotional risk and pain; if someone responds in a hurtful or abusive manner, you can hide your reaction; yield nudes without having to ask directly; gain social credibility with peers who are the gatekeepers of acceptance; get more sex without having to put yourself out there to withstand rejection.

Cons – Sexting can give a person a false sense of comfort and confidence to rely on the opportunity to carefully compose a message or doctor up a photo; if it leads to sex, there is no app to rescue a person from the inevitable face-to-face awkward interaction; avoiding awkwardness leads to inevitable awkwardness (delays one’s learning); some people take offense; some people expect it even if you are not comfortable; if and when things don’t work out, your personal message may be shared publicly at your expense; nothing is ever really private.

AC: What can students do to avoid sexual assault on campus?

CP: Create a culture where intervention is the norm and people don’t tolerate and address micro-aggressions such as disrespectful language, objectification, and degradation as well as more blatant aggressions such a sexual harassment and hazing. Believing victims would lead to more reports from survivors who have feared reporting because so many cases have been mishandled. Schools that have the courage to risk tarnishing their image and losing support from alums will ultimately gain a better reputation as a fair and safe college.

Clear consequences for perpetrators carried about by law enforcement and/or the college would deter others and reduce incidents. There should be ongoing required programming for all men and women on campus such as Speak About It and programs from Prevention Intervention Resource Center (PIRC) . Common language and understanding of sexual assault, sexual harassment, and affirmative consent increases the chance for productive conversations about and engagement in solutions.

If we look at what students can do to avoid being sexually assaulted, the solution would also involve students taking an active role in improving the culture of their campuses by engaging men and women in educational programming and in ongoing conversations about improving their campus climate. The idea of using coercion, physical restraint or alcohol to subdue a person should be considered deplorable enough that people will step in and stop a friend or stranger from committing or becoming a victim of sexual assault.

70% of sexual assaults on campuses involve alcohol. 6-14% of men are repeat offenders, responsible for 90% of campus assaults. 68% of assaults are not reported, mostly because the survivor doesn’t think s/he will be believed. Sexual assaults are almost all committed by boys and men. False reports are rarer than people think (2-10%, equal to almost all other crimes). Information is power. Students don’t absorb it in one presentation. It is much more powerful if it reaches them in a variety of ways over time with plenty of overlap for the important details.

AC: How would you advise a student to tell his or her date that they have herpes?

CP: If you are on a date or just hooking up, STIs need to be addressed directly if you are going to be intimate. Many people carry and can pass long the herpes virus, even if they have never had an outbreak. Telling someone you have herpes is awkward and worth diving into. Since you can pass along the virus even if you aren’t having an outbreak, it is important to make your partner aware that you carry the virus whether your lesions are active or not.

Most people fear that they will be considered a gross, sleazy person if they admit they have herpes. It seems much more gross and sleazy to not tell a person and put them at risk of contracting it. Your honesty could ultimately be a trait that your partner finds refreshing and admirable. With that knowledge, you could decide together if you want to use a condom or a dental dam or refrain from sexual contact altogether. That is what an informed sexual decision looks like.

AC: How would you advise students to communicate sexual consent & what do you think about putting consent in writing?

CP: With more conversations and education around “yes means yes” (affirmative consent), it is becoming an expectation and a norm for college students to get and give clear, verbal consent. Many older people (including parents of college students) struggle to accept this and complain that it is not realistic to “go through a checklist.” Rather than a checklist, getting affirmative consent is about checking in as you go along with simple questions that are quite reasonable: Does this feel good? Are you comfortable with this? Does this feel ok? Laci Green has a great short video to help everyone:

I would like to hear more about college students aiming for healthy, consensual, communicative and pleasurable sexual encounters, rather than signing a consent form on an app to avoid being accused of sexual assault. Consent apps emphasize the idea of getting clearance and don’t encourage the idea that the right thing to do is to verbally ask for or give consent. It is worrisome that some of the potential users seem to be focused on avoiding consequences in case they make a sketchy choice or reach a point of intoxication that their judgment may be off, a recipe for nonconsensual sex.

Healthy sexual relationships involve two people of similar age consensually exploring each other’s bodies for pleasure. BOTH partners should be experiencing pleasure, which requires communication. Sloppy, drunk sex is common because the unspoken social contract of hookup culture is about depending on alcohol to make sex less awkward.

Navigating one consent app has proven to be so full of snags that couples are forced to stop and communicate to figure it out together before starting again. I heard a great story about a couple having so much trouble with the app that they had to turn on the lights, the guy had to reach for his glasses because he had already taken out his contacts, and they hunched over the phone together to work through the complicated app. By the time they had given consent on the app, they decided to just snuggle and go to sleep and have sex another time. I have also heard stories about couples whose arousal and interest in sex had been completely depleted during the process of figuring out the app. Upon realizing they were comfortable enough to rally up for sex after all that, it was evident that they didn’t need an app to ask for and give clear consent. In these two cases, a consent app is doing a nice job of slowing down the decision-making process.

AC: What is appropriate terminology to use for all things LGBTQ

CP: I included an extensive Glossary of Transgender and Gender-Nonconforming Terms in the resource section of my book. It is adapted from the glossary put together by the NYC Administration for Children’s Services in Safe & Respected and includes over thirty terms and definitions. There are many glossaries available through reliable resources online.

There is considerable misunderstanding about what terms are acceptable when discussing any aspect of the LGBTQ community. Some college students will avoid engaging in conversations, fearing they may offend or reveal their lack of awareness. First and foremost, it is important for students to understand the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender identity encompasses a person’s roles, expressions and internal identities. Sexual orientation describes a person’s attraction or sexual relationship (or lack thereof) with others. Gay, lesbian and bisexual students are still marginalized on college campuses to varying degrees, but acceptance has become an expectation on many college campuses. While acceptance of TGNC (transgender/gender nonconforming community) individuals is improving, it is clear that more educational programming is needed for the general population of students to get up to speed.

Many incoming college students have not had personal relationships with members of the TGNC community or have been taught respectful terms. Since terminology has been evolving in recent years, even open-minded parents and professors tend to use terms that are outdated such as cross-dresser (gender expression – a person who wears clothes of another gender). It is also common for people to use offensive terms such as sexual preference (rather than the correct term, sexual orientation) and hermaphrodite (intersex is the correct term for a person whose combination of chromosomes, gonads and hormones present in a way that is not strictly males or female). Being informed enables people to participate in conversations to further their understanding and avoid making assumptions and being offensive. Awareness of respectful language is a great first step toward acceptance and understanding.

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About Cindy Pierce

Cindy Pierce is a sex educator and comic storyteller who is on a mission to give students perspective and information so that they can better navigate cultural, media, and peer pressures, particularly around their social lives and sexual relationships. By weaving together expert opinions, personal anecdotes, and the real feedback of today’s college and high school students, Pierce helps make those ‘difficult’ conversations a little less difficult for everyone.

For more than a decade, Pierce has spoken at schools across the country about the importance of consent and communication in sexual relationships. She is the author of Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and co-author of Finding the Doorbell: Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul, in addition to her new book for college students. Pierce has been interviewed on NPR’s Here & Now, was honored as one of 14 Remarkable Women of the Arts in New Hampshire magazine, and is an in-demand speaker at college and high schools nationwide, where she consistently receives glowing praise from students and administrators nationwide for her honest and humorous approach to sex education.

Dr. Ava Cadell Nominated For X-Biz “Sexpert Of The Year”

I’m excited to announce that Dr. Ava Cadell has been nominated for ‘Sexpert of the Year‘ by the X-Biz awards! Of course, she has been enjoying her status as Sexual Health Expo’s ‘Sexpert of the Year‘ throughout 2015, so she’s a natural candidate.

Dr. Ava’s been busy traveling to China to lecture, revamping her Loveology University (launching February 2016) and appearing on television often. She took Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett to her Intimacy Retreat on the reality show Kendra on Top to counsel them on their marital issues, and then in an unforgettable comic turn, she played the sex therapist on the hilarious new IFC show, Gigi Does It! If comedy chops are part of the Sexpert of the Year criteria, she will win hands down.

The other nominees are also very accomplished, excellent sexologists. Here is the esteemed list, and you can cast your vote here: Vote for X-Biz Sexpert of the Year

Sexpert of the Year Nominees

X-Biz Vote Dr. Ava Cadell

Digital Indiscretions – Part Two: Confessions

Digital Indiscretions is a three part series on infidelity in the age of technology. The series is based on Dr. Ebony Utley’s interviews with U.S. women about their experiences with infidelity. Interviewees chose their own pseudonyms to protect their privacy.

In the past, infidelity was more difficult to prove—that is, until it met technology. Not only do we have dating sites today, we also have dating sites designed to facilitate extramarital affairs.  And we have hackers who breach dating sites designed to facilitate extramarital affairs.

On July 20, 2015, Ashley Madison was hacked. 37 million users’ private personal information was compromised, and it is still unclear how much of this data will be revealed to the public.

Evidence from a massive hack certainly makes it easier to receive a confession from a cheating partner, but hacking isn’t the only way women have creatively used technology to prove their suspicions of infidelity.

When Hope found evidence of her husband’s inappropriate behavior on Facebook, she told herself, “I have to print it out so if I ever change my mind or he makes up a really good lie I can go back and look at it and remember why this won’t work out.” When her husband continued to lie she showed the printed messages to his parents.

She recalled, “It wasn’t until probably my fourth installment of emails, pictures, and video that I sent his parents and they were over there crying, that he said “Okay, I did it. Just stop sending stuff to my parents.” Hope admitted that she did not want to send so much proof to his parents, but she desperately needed them to know the truth.

Hope’s decision to print her evidence was an opportunity to create physical proof of his digital indiscretions. Lassie also printed all of the sexual communications between her fiancé and the other women that she found in his email. She said, “I printed them out and I just left them—I wanted to really screw with him, so I left them on the floor with my engagement ring on top of them and then left the apartment and waited for him to come home.”

Whereas Hope and Lassie printed the virtual evidence so they would have physical proof, Pauline engaged in what she called “a whole different game of technology” when she found virtual evidence of her boyfriend’s emotional affair.

“I screen shot all the messages to myself and I had thought about posting them to Facebook. I thought, ‘No, I’m not going to be public like that, then I’d be one of those messy girls.’ At my age, that’s not okay.” So I kept them to myself… When I woke him up I just said everything that I had found, and I was like, “Before you say anything, don’t try to deny it because I’ve screen shot everything to my phone and I have their numbers.”

Pauline didn’t need physical evidence. She used technology for her record keeping. Not only did these women use technology to discover their partners’ infidelity but they used technology to procure confessions.

Some Ashley Madison users may confess before the hackers determine whether to make good on their threat to release all their information, but I’m sure others will wait until a partner confronts them with undeniable proof, whether it be printed or on a screen.

Rough Sex for the Nice Guy with Reid Mihalko

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Reid Mihalko, The Sex Geek for my show on Rough Sex!  While almost every woman who replied to my query about whether or not they liked rough sex replied with an emphatic “YES!!!”  there seemed to be just as many men who don’t know how to pull it off.

Thankfully, The Sex Geek was on hand and ready to save the day!  With practical advice and words of encouragement and enlightenment, everyone will gain the confidence to give it a whirl…. or a smack, pull, or choke. *wink, wink*

Here’s a sample of our discussion, but if you want the full interview and Reid’s tips on how to spank, pull hair, and choke your lover the right way, check out the free information on his website, or listen to the entire episode on Playboy Radio, Ep #39.

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Give The Perfect V-Day BJ

Do you know how to train your throat not to gag? Do you know what is even more sensitive than the head of the penis? Well, neither did I until I took Chris and Larkin’s “Blow Jobs & Beyond” workshop at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood, California, last week. If you don’t know what to get your man for Valentine’s Day, give him the gift of the perfect blowjob! Here are some of Chris and Larkin’s best tips…

Give Him a Nice View

Guys are visual creatures. The first step is to dress up for his Valentine’s Day blowjob. Wear lingerie or whatever he finds you sexiest in. Next, find the right position that gives him a view of your favorite assets. If he’s a butt guy, give him a view of your ass by lying on your stomach facing down to service him.

Or, if he’s a boobs guy, have him sit on the bed or stand while you are on your knees in your best push-up bra. “Don’t forget eye contact,” says Chris, who not only teaches classes at The Pleasure Chest but is also founder of GoFraternize.org, which is a community for “guys who like guys.”

I personally like to have my fingernails nice and long and painted because a boyfriend once told me he loved how his cock looked in my hand.

Worship His Cock

Enthusiasm is the most important trait of a great blowjob. You see, men love their penises. They want you love their penises as well. If you love him, love his cock. Tell him it’s beautiful. Tell him you can’t wait to devour it. He needs to feel like it’s not a “job” for you.

“It’s empowering because it’s his prized possession,” says Chris. I could not agree more. And, as Larkin pointed out during the seminar, Samantha on Sex and the City once said, “Maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls!”

If you truly don’t love sucking dick, well, don’t do anything you don’t want to. But, try to give it a go, girls… especially for Valentine’s Day!

Practice Deep-Throating

Now, this is a new tip to me! If your guy is itching to have you deep-throat him, but your gag reflect just won’t allow it, you can actually train your natural gag reflex to not be so sensitive.

Here’s how: “Every day when you brush your teeth, brush the back of your tongue and go further back each time until you get used it,” advises Larkin.

I’m on Day 7 of Deep Throat Training and it’s going well. I’ll think I’ll be ready by Valentine’s Day! 

Don’t Forget The Frenulum

I always knew the tip of the penis was the most sensitive, but I didn’t know that the frenulum – the V-shaped ridge part of the head also called the “sweet spot” – is specifically the most sensitive. “Using your tongue in different ways on his frenulum. You can use the flat part of your tongue and then the pointy tip of your tongue. You can lick, suck, and blow on it, or try an ice cube,” says Chris.

Give Your Mouth a Rest

You are bound to give a better blowjob if you are comfortable and not stuck doing one monotonous thing over and over. “No one wants to spend 20 minutes straight sucking dick in one position. You want to mix it up by using toys, your mouth, and your hand. 80% of a good blowjob is a good handjob,” says Larkin.

Using an open-ended masturbation sleeve is a fun way to mix it up. This way you can be sucking and licking the tip of his penis while jerking him off with the sleeve. The Pleasure Chest’s Better Blowjob Kit includes a sleeve, a flavorful lube (to either help prevent dry mouth while sucking or to use for an easier handjob), and a vibrating cock ring to give him some extra fun down under.

My favorite BJ product is Doc Johnsons’ GoodHead Wet Head dry mouth spray in sweet strawberry. You’ll never have to worry about not having enough saliva again!

Read Dr. Ava ‘s Give The Perfect V-Day VJ here!

Can Supplements Keep You Faithful?

It used to be that people cheated because they couldn’t keep it in their pants, were unhappy in their relationships, or just bored with their partners. Well, that’s just part of the infidelity puzzle. Some doctors are saying that another factor can be genetics.

A few research studies, including the much-talked about 2014 study by Brendan P. Zietsch, a psychologist at the University of Queensland, Australia, showed that people who cheated had a certain variant of vasopressin, a hormone that is associated with attachment and bonding. The research shows that this might be one contributing genetic factor to infidelity.

Psychotherapy, sex therapy, and even spiritual work (whether it’s medication or faith-based), has long been the path to work on marriages plagued by infidelity. However, some prominent doctors, such as John Gray, PhD., author of Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus, and Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love, have also been using supplemental therapy to help their patients remain faithful. And, it’s working…for them. It should be noted, that it is a controversial practice with little to no scientific backing and not meant to be the “cure to infidelity.”

“Your brain chemicals can be changed to help stop an affair or not want an affair,” says Dr. Eaker Weil. “This really takes a little bit of the stigma and emotional pain out of an affair. I’m not excusing it, but I tell my patients, ‘Listen it’s not entirely in your control.'” Of course, you can’t blame cheating solely on your genes, which is why a combination of psychotherapy with supplements and lifestyle changes is really what the doctors’ are ordering here.

It’s not entirely unlike using St. John’s Wart to help with depression, valerian root to help with anxiety, and supplements to aid in your workouts.

The first step, though, is to find out if there is a chemical imbalance is at play here. ” Some M.D.s will do blood, urine, and/or saliva tests for adrenals, dopamine, serotonin, vasopressin, etc., to see if you do have a chemical imbalance and then can advise you on which supplements are needed to help balance any imbalances out,” she says.

The most impressive and fast acting supplement, according to both, is low dose lithium orotate, which is more commonly also used to treat a variety of issues, anxiety and depression. “It’s all natural and has no side effects. Within days most people notice improved mood, focus, motivation, and low stress. For maximum benefit it’s best combined with therapy along with vitamins B6, D3, K2 and Omega 3,” says Dr. Gray.

Dr. Eaker Weil says that the main reason lithium orotate is so powerful in her practice is because it stimulates oxytocin – the cuddle hormone that makes you feel safe and bonded. “It helps simmer down the vasopressin. I’ve seen it stop the craving for adultery in my practice,” she says. In her couples counseling, she prescribes this supplement to both partners to help them reconnect and reignite their bond. She uses it in conjunction with the prescription oxytocin pill.

Other supplements Gray and Eaker Weil have used include L-theanine, derived from tealeaves, and rhodiola. “Both help to calm and reduce stress, which balances you, grounds you, gives you clarity, and in turn helps with therapy and stopping the need for cheating. Rhodiola also helps with fatigue. We all know that stress and fatigue are contributing factors to infidelity,” says Eaker Weil.

It should be noted that, that “there is no scientific evidence to support treating people with medications or supplements to prevent infidelity,” as one expert in the field who wishes to remain anonymous points out.

Sexperts Honored By SHE Magazine

When I won the very first “Sexpert of the Year” award at the Sexual Health Expo in 2015 (now called Sex Expo), and to be frank, I was taken completely by surprise. I remember seeing the list of high profile nominees like Sunny Megatron and Emily Morse, thinking one of them will surely win, considering everything they contribute to sex education and entertainment.

This month I’m lucky again with a feature article called “From Sex Symbol to Sex Guru” in Sexual Health magazine where Editor-in-chief Ariana Rodriguez interviewed me about how my life journey from a refugee, to orphan, to sex symbol to sexpert led to a successful career in sexology, my new sexual healing book, what’s new with Sexycises and my pheromone jewelry line with Eye of Love.

Shangri-la – Peace to all who enter here :

 

The SexualHealth crew came to my house aka Shangri-La in Malibu for the photo shoot with Ariana, photographer Dean Capture, Sex Expo producer Sara Ramirez. Paula Tiberius, editor of Sexpert.com and my right hand for the past five years and I had a fun time collaborating on poses and outfits to show the different sides of my persona.

Zorro, being grumpy for his close up.

 

 

Zorro, my ten year old Ragdoll cat was locked in a bedroom for most of the day, so by the time he came out for his part of the photoshoot, he was pretty grumpy. But we managed to get some flattering shots of him anyway. Don’t worry, I’m not strangling him.

One of the things I love about the Sexual Health Magazine is that they honor the valuable work being done in sexual wellness by so many different experts. If you look at the recent winners, there’s the TV sexologist and author Dr. Jessica O’Reilly who’s touring the world with her speaking engagements and retreats teaching people how to communicate their desires and improve their love lives and Jessica Drake who has turned her adult film stardom into another career as a sex educator, re-inventing sexual instructional videos with her “Guide To Wicked Sex” series. The 2018 winner is sex and relationship therapist Dr. Chris Donaghue, author of “Sex Outside the Lines,” host of Loveline and Director of Clinical Education for the Sexual Health Alliance. I’m honored to be in the company of these individuals who all have their own unique contribution, like me with my university, www.LoveUniv.com.

My Sexycises team at Sexual Health Expo 2017  with Dr. Cat Meyer, Symon Murray, Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce and Miyoko.

I believe these awards are an opportunity to lift up voices all across the spectrum of sex educators and love coaches. The bottom line is that it feels great to be validated by a pioneer publication like Sexual Health Magazine because it lets me know that I’m on the right path.  I love joining forces with my peers to make the world a more loving place.

Read the full March 2018 issue of Sexual Health magazine for many insightful, informative articles by sexperts.

Me posing for a magazine in my sex symbol days.