Saturday, October 21, 2017

Sexycises Retreat In Thailand

I’ve just returned from an energizing trip to Thailand, where I was hosting a retreat on women’s feminine healing and sensual wellness along with therapist and acro-yoga expert Dr. Cat Meyer.

Cat and I incorporated my new Sexycises concept into a series of interactive seminars like Sensual Yoga, Tantra Theory, Chakra Balance, Reiki & Sensual Massage, Breathing, How To Do A Striptease, Self-Love and Empowerment and Role-Play!

The first and only day I took time to walk on the beautiful white, sandy Pattaya beach and meditate in this unusual day bed.

At 8am every morning, Dr. Cat gave a yoga class, which became more and more sensual each day. It was inspiring to watch these conservative ladies release their inhibitions and become more empowered physically, emotionally and sexually.

In the Chakra Balance seminar, there were many exercises to open all of the chakras, and this one is demonstrating the Root Chakra through partner Sexycises. On screen you can see Marriage & Family Therapist Kayna Cassard and her partner Dominick.

Dr. Cat is a certified Reiki practitioner, and in this picture she is demonstrating how to scan the body to discover places that may need healing. She shared 12 hand positions that can be used for general balancing of the energy for self-healing.

Here I’m demonstrating how to give a sensual massage. I encouraged all the ladies to help me using many different styles and methods including their breath, hair, nails and hands. When it came to demonstrating how to massage his penis, since this was a PG rated class, I lifted up his arm and said, ‘Imagine this is his penis,’ and showed them how to perform Making the Fire, the Corkscrew and the Hundred Yoni techniques, for a happy ending massage.

Dr. Cat is demonstrating her Acro-yoga expertise with YuNa, who is the leader of the Dr. Eros Retreats. Acro-yoga teaches trust, communication and how to be intimate with a partner through a playful experience. Partners are called The Base -person on the bottom – and The Flyer – person on top. This was the first time the women had seen any Acro-yoga demonstrated and they were blown away!

Dr. Cat and I had so much fun dressing up with the ladies and teaching the benefits of role-playing such as reducing pressure to perform, spicing up a routine sex life, getting out of character, tapping into your creative energy and making sex more playful and fun!

They brought their own costumes like this sexy school girl, a dominant policewoman and dominatrix, a frisky kitty and a naughty bunny! The final role-play exercise was Dr. Cat showing the women how to take on the persona of a striptease artist and remove laters of clothing seductively down to their lingerie!

Interview With Sitara Devi, Modern Courtesan

New York based East Indian courtesan, Sitara Devi, is candid in her description of why men pay $1,500 for a brief encounter with her. She says that while men do value looks, a woman has to offer more than that to win over the VIP clientele she entertains. She is spiritually and intellectually elevated. She’s well-spoken with a magnetic energy and a charitable heart.

With long chocolate locks, smooth dark beige skin, a luscious derriere that is most en vogue, and a body limber from Yoga classes, she would easily fulfill the fantasy of any man or couple who has a curiosity about the charms of a Bollywood beauty or Hindu love goddess. She considers this an untapped market that is growing right along with the visibility of Indian women in media and in the workplace.

“A lot of my clients are non-indian men that have a budding desire in them because they don’t have access to her (Indian women) but the lust for her has been building in them.”

In my interview with the erotic, multicultural companion and sacred sexuality guide, Sitara told her unique story of going against the societal grain to follow her true life calling in erotic servitude to those seeking a deep, meaningful, soul connection in their intimate encounters.

There are “guidelines” for Indian women, she says. “You become a doctor, you meet a suitable Indian guy, you have kids…”. Although she did follow social norms to the extent  of receiving a Master’s degree and a notable professional résumé, she discovered that the freedom to exercise her true life calling was far more rewarding than following the traditional “blueprint” that was expected of her as an Indian woman.

“Indian woman are raised with the ‘good Indian girl’ stereotype. It’s a total lie. There’s a lot of pressure in my culture for women to be a certain way. I’ve met a lot of Indian women who are not happy having followed that or don’t have the same class and grace and well-roundedness that I have because of all the different paths that my life has taken.”

Sitara feels liberated by her unusual path. Not only is she confident about breaking free of the pressures of society to do certain things or play a certain role, she is passionate about providing clients with a safe space to do the same. “For me, sexuality is sacred. When two people strip away all the roles they have to play and let go of the heavy societal conditioning that they hold, they can have access to something in that moment that connects them to Divine Source, that takes them to a higher experience orgasmically.”

To her, eroticism is godliness, and she feels that most people are too trapped in their everyday pressures to truly let go and experience the sexual bliss they deserve, which is why it’s paramount to her to help people tap into a more relaxed physical state and higher spiritual frequency during their sessions. “Men on our planet are so hungry for emotional intimacy where they get to lay down all the shields that they’re holding. They don’t have to be masculine. They can allow themselves to relax and just be themselves. Conscious touch, not robotic, is something that men are missing.”

Sitara considers herself a lifestyle coach as well, and client’s often request her guidance to be able to call upon this spiritual source of pleasure even when they aren’t with her. She speaks about her work with clients of various backgrounds and physical abilities with pride because she enjoys helping people who face challenges like social anxiety, deep psychological blocks, or serious physical limitations. She insists that her profession makes her feels closer to her ancient roots, which she explains are heavily tied to sexuality.

“Hindu mythology is full of stories where the woman is both strong and feminine. She is both soft and a heroine at the same time. She is goddess and warrior.” In one famous story, Draupadi, an important female character in the Mahabharata (a Hindu epic) was married to five men. Sitara compares herself to this ancient princess. “I am a big believer that no one person can fulfill all our needs. I feel very lucky that I have the ability to have different men in my life which help serve different needs and I serve one need in their life.”

As a practitioner and teacher of tantric philosophy, Sitara believes her career as a pleasure provider is ideal for her. She feels “aligned with the goddess archetype” and thoroughly enjoys focusing her efforts on providing clients with an escape into a heightened sense of connection and fulfillment. It is important for her to continuously better herself as a sacred sexuality guide by taking classes and workshops where they’re available to her and what she takes away, she incorporates in private time with her clients.

“I have taken ample classes by different well-known instructors in the world of sacred sexuality, tantra, mind body souls, healing.” When telling me how yoga carries over to her work, she explained that the “fundamentals of yoga is about breath, it’s about awareness, it’s about presence, it’s about being in the moment. We [usually] engage with sexuality in a very hard and fast way but I prefer long, extended dates because I really enjoy men dropping all elements on what they have on the outside.” For her, yoga is among other philosophies that she believes enhance intimate experiences, but of course, it has other benefits. “I can do some pretty fun things with it in the bedroom.”

And what about those other women in her clients’ lives? Does she have any thoughts about them or resentment towards her married clients for coming to see her privately? She thinks nothing negative about her work, her clients or the other women at all. “I feel like I am an outlet where a man can release a lot of his tension so that when he goes home to his wife, he feels more relaxed and there’s less drain on their marriage. I give her man a sense of freedom so that she has a lighter load when he goes back home to her. I’m a sort of peacekeeper.”

Her positive approach towards life and her erotic services shine through in every statement she makes. Time with her is what she describes as experiential and her ability to provide a unique and spiritually elevating way for her clients is her deepest joy. She is not someone who is bound to “the conditioning of the 21st century girl” or focused only on the exterior. She is a woman who is in the fortunate position of being truly in touch with the “life force”, which she explains is our radiance, energy and vitality – all coming from our sexuality, and she holds that sacred. “I see it as a gift.”

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9 Reasons Why Abstinence Messages Fail

Over the past few decades, the federal government has sunk millions of taxpayer dollars into abstinence programs and interventions which have yet to be proven effective.  Stopping teen pregnancy, the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases among youth takes much more than a pledge, purity ring or a bogus abstinence message that only focuses on delaying sex until marriage.

Now don’t get me wrong, abstinence works well if you use it! But reality and statistics show that kids just don’t. It’s time to get real about abstinence messages and explore the reasons why they continue to fail our children.

Sex is Natural

Teenage hormones are real. When human beings discover the joy of sex and orgasm, it’s a impossible to stop that desire in its tracks and reverse the pursuit of pleasure. In fact, as young sexual beings, the pursuit of pleasure supersedes our rational mind, and the desire to orgasm clouds our common sense! We are sexual beings from the time we are born until we die. The desire to explore our sexuality is as natural as the desire to eat or sleep. These desires are embedded deep within our subconscious and begin much earlier in life than puberty. Curiosity surrounding sexuality is a natural part of development beginning with the exploration of the body. Teaching abstinence is like asking someone to stop eating or sleeping.

Peer Pressure is Real

Peer pressure is a hallmark of the adolescent experience. The desire to fit in during teen years can be overwhelming! No matter how influential you and other trusted adults are in children’s lives, their friends’ thoughts and opinions will weigh heavily on their decision making, including the decision to have sex. According to research conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation, the majority of children in the U.S. ages 13-18 reported that they get a lot of their information about sexuality from their peers. The report also found that one of the biggest reasons that they engage in sexual activity is because they believe that their peers are also having sex. No amount of saying “just don’t” is going to convince them that shouldn’t keep up with their peers.

The Media Sells Sex

The media perpetuates specific social scripts and conceptual frameworks about sexuality. Television, magazines, movies, and music continue to shape thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about how men and women should behave sexually, promoting the “player” status for men, and “using what you’ve got to get what you want” for women. The Real Housewives, Love & Hip Hop, The Bachelorette – just to use a few examples – are all filled with the same old narrative featuring unhealthy relationships, lack of meaningful friendships, low self-esteem, and overt sexuality as a tool or a weapon. There are very few healthy sexual dynamics presented in the media for teens to look up to and admire, and shows aimed at kids are so chaste and abstinence-assuming, that issues surrounding sexual peer pressure are avoided like the plague.

Social Media Has Opened Pandora’s Box!

Children have a natural curiosity when it comes to sexuality. Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and all the other social media sites have increasingly become the primary source of sex education and information. Children are turning to the internet instead of parents or trusted adults, to answer their questions about sexuality. Unfortunately, the accuracy and reliability of the internet is, at best, questionable. Searching for sex education websites online can result in inaccurate information, and at worst, redirects to pornography which is massively inappropriate as a sex education tool, showing no emotional context or basis for intercourse.

The Church Sends Mixed Messages

Most churches preach one thing: refrain from sex until marriage. But churchgoers are human and you can bet that pretty much everyone in the congregation is engaging in some form of “sinful” sexual activity. There is also often a focus on female shame, where pregnant young women need to admit their her sins of fornication before the church, while the male partner does not, sending the message that only women bear the burden of sexual ‘sin’. It’s long established that religious guilt-tripping and sin shaming isn’t very helpful. It teaches children to lie, hide and be ashamed of their own sexuality, a silence that puts children at risk. When we silence them for speaking about sexuality beyond abstinence, we miss an opportunity to save their lives, or improve them.

Fear-Laden Messages Don’t Work!

Showing pictures of sexually transmitted infections or telling children that they’ll go blind if they have sex are fear-based tactics that have adverse effects. Categorizing sex as dirty and nasty, or something only bad people do, sends the message that embracing your sexuality is wrong. Not only that, it teaches intolerance for sexual diversity among the beautiful spectrum of sexuality. As a result, kids carry these unhealthy messages into adulthood and they play out in the form of unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, depression, domestic violence, substance abuse and so much more! In addition, because the teen brain is less developed than an adult’s, they lack the biological mechanism to properly determine the possible negative outcomes of a certain action. So often times they live with a false sense of security and take risks because “it’s not going to happen to me,” or “I’m invincible.”

Do as I say and not as I do

The unspoken messages from adults regarding sexuality are oftentimes more powerful than their spoken messages in shaping children’s perception of sexuality. The behaviors adults model to children can have a significant impact on the choices they make, how they view things and even how they behave or not behave. Parents, it’s time to lead by example! If you want to send the message of abstinence, then perhaps you need to do the same? Or if you want to send a message of healthy safer sex with emotional attachment, practice that! Or if you want to sleep around, but don’t want that for your teenage daughter, you need to have that discussion too.

Penis Play Equals Notches!

Boys are socialized from a very early age  to embrace their penis. They are encouraged to sow their oats and have as much sex as one man can have. This message has been passed down as if it’s a rite of passage. Society supports a very unhealthy and sometimes misogynistic view of women, relationships and sexuality, as the recent ‘locker room banter’ political discussion has proven. All these things combined create an unhealthy framework of male sexuality that promotes promiscuity, shuns abstinence, and misses out on important discussions about relationship building and intimacy.

Keep Your Panties up!

This antiquated adage gets an epic fail. How can boys be promiscuous while girls are abstinent? It doesn’t make sense, and it contributes to shame and dangerous secrecy. Back in the day, it created confusion and resentment from kids who grew up to find that their “big sister” was really their mother and other complicated scenarios arising from lies, and currently it’s wreaking havoc on young women all over the country, resulting in damaged wombs or infections from back alley abortions, and of course deep emotional scarring.

So, You Want an Abstinence Message That Works?

We need to rethink, reframe and replace the current abstinence message with one that offers an integrated approach. It must be developmentally appropriate, medically accurate, gender considerate, culturally competent. The message must be clear, concise and consistent and teach knowledge, tools and skills. In addition, effective abstinence programs must including the following:

  • Teaching what it truly means to abstain, including abstain from substances
  • Teaching how to choose abstinence – even after being sexual
  • Teaching that the body is a temple that needs to be protected
  • Identifying sexual triggers
  • Understanding peer pressure and establishing healthy friendship
  • Setting personal boundaries
  • Defining the characteristics of a healthy relationship
  • Teaching about informed consent
  • Teaching communication skills
  • Teaching critical thinking skills
  • Teaching decision making skills
  • Teaching negotiation and conflict resolution skills
  • Identifying how morals, values and beliefs influence sexuality

Discussing the mental, emotional, social, spiritual, physical, biochemical, energetical, political, institutional, legal, systemic and financial consequences of sexuality

Finally, parents and other trusted adults who have chosen the abstinence talk must continue the abstinence talk.  It is not a one-time discussion. The abstinence talk is an ongoing evolving discussion that changes with the needs of the child.

It can be scary to talk to your teen about sex. However, we live in a world where not teaching your child about sexuality can be even more frightening! We must acknowledge that an abstinence-only message is not working. We have to create a message that prepares them for life by acknowledging the truth that children are indeed having sex!

How To Make A DIY Sex-Attracting Fragrance

Olfactory senses play a significant part in our sexual stimulation. Whether we’re aware of it or not, smells send important chemical messages to potential mates. Tests show that Lavender ranked highly among both men and women, but the scent of licorice earned the most positive erotic response from females while pumpkin (more accurately, the spices we associate with pumpkin) was #1 among men. How appropriate that the holiday season is upon us. It’s one that often hosts scents of spiced pumpkin and other tasty foods, so naturally, it should be one that inspires people to get a little closer. Fun fact: most babies are conceived in December! Coincidence?

If you’re in the mood to entice your romantic interest and heat things up indoors while things get cooler outdoors, you may want to consider creating the ideal scent for your room or for yourself. The steps below are simple, so if you have even the slightest talent for DIY projects, the following is definitely worth trying.

For body:

To make your own irresistible scent, you’ll need a carrier oil, such as jojoba, almond, grapeseed, avocado or sesame oil. These are all easily accessible oils that are lightweight and safely absorb into your skin.

You will also need 100% pure essential oils. FYI, licorice is a difficult smell to come by, but fennel and anise have a licorice smell. Below are suggested oils for you to select from and create your own holiday spice mixture.

In a 10ml roller bottle or perfume jar, mix 10 – 14 drops of each of your favorite smells. You’ll probably want to keep this below 24 drops in total and if you want a particular scent to be stronger, make that number of drops greater than the other scents (EX: 14 drops lead scent, 8 drops secondary scent or 10, 8, 6 of a combo of 3 oils). Fill the rest of the bottle with your preferred carrier oil, close and shake. Apply to hot spots on your body like the back of your neck, wrists or insides of your elbows when you’re ready to seduce.

For home:

  • Decorative jar
  • Reed diffuser sticks
  • Essential oils (Ex: cedarwood, lime, vanilla, nutmeg, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, pine, orange, anise, ginger)

To create your own diffuser, blend 1/4 cup of hot water with ¼ cup of vodka…yes, vodka. Then, ad no more than 25 drops of whichever combination of essential oils you chose to blend to create your ideal scent. Mix it up, then carefully pour it in into a decorative jar. Dip a handful of diffuser sticks in the jar, then take your stick out, turn them upside down, place them back in the jar and let them stay in that way. The subtle scent that this ads to your home will help set the right mood for your time with you company.

Enjoy!

5 Weird Things To Do To His Penis

Before I stepped into “Snake Charming” class on my trip to Hedonism II, the clothing optional, adults only resort in Negril, Jamaica, I thought there is no way I’m going to learn anything new. At the risk of sounding cocky, my boyfriend says my hand-job skills are quite epic.

But, we were at Hedo to try new things, like going nude 24/7, having sex on the beach, and taking the weeklong courses in Tantric sex for couples. So, epic skills aside, we gave it a go.

Well, kudos to Kim and Brad Walker of Houston, Texas-based Tantric Hearts, who have been teaching tantric sex and couples workshops at Hedonism II for 17 years, for proving me oh so wrong. They taught this old dog a few new tricks – 16 new tricks in fact, five of which I’ll share in detail.

hedonism-hand-job-class-1

During class we learned how to massage the penis with the Thank U, Sausage Roll, Polish the Helmet, The OK, Windshield Wiper, Fire Starter, Ring N Tickle, Peace Grip, Thumb PPT (PPT=Pressure Point), Knuckle PPT, Bendy Thing, Sextension, Press N Pull, Peace Press (not to be confused with the aforementioned Peace Grip), Vas Press, and the Thumbs Up.

 

 

Here are five of my boyfriend’s favorites:

Windshield Wiper

Put oil on your man’s belly just above the pubic bone and pull gently down on his scrotum. With your hand placed flat on the outside shaft of his penis, you move the penis from left to right like a windshield wiper (the oil helps it glide with ease). This one evoked a bit of a giggle from us. My boyfriend thought it was “exciting” because it was new, but didn’t quite love it as much as other techniques.

The OK

Make the “OK” sign with your thumb and first finger in the shape of a circle and your remaining fingers straight up and place the tip of the penis in the circle. Focus the massage on the ridge and tip of the head. Some men are too sensitive for this, so be aware of how your partner is responding.

Sausage Roll

Grasp the base of his cock with one hand and layer your other hand in a grip on the top of his penis so that the edges of your fists are touching. Hold this penis tightly, but don’t squeeze too hard. Stroke the penis with both hands going in unison up and down. This makes a guy with a small penis feel bigger.

Polish the Helmet

Grasp the penis tightly with a full-hand grip. As you are stroking it up and down, place your other hand over the tip of the penis with the head in the middle part of the inside of hand and move that hand in circles. It helps if the inside of that hand is oil-ed up. It’s kind of like the thing we all did as kids where you’re patting your hand and circling your belly to test your coordination.

Fire Starter

Don’t attempt this dry! Coconut oil is your best friend here or you can cause some serious friction to your man’s skin. Place one hand on one side of the penis and the other on the other side and move your hands back and forth as if you are starting a fire with a stick, or when one rubs their hands together to generate heat. This works best when the penis is placed between closed-fingers so that the fingers feel like ridges.

Sex, College & Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture – Interview with Author Cindy Pierce

I have long been interested in the psychology of young people when it comes to sex and relationships. There’s a lot of confusion about how to deal with negative emotions such as jealousy and rejection that lead to low-self esteem, poor body image and unhealthy competition. All these can shroud the path to healthy relationships and satisfying sex.

In my own seminars with young people, I often ask them to throw their anonymous questions into a hat so that they can receive answers and insight without any fear of shame or embarrassment. I believe direct, frank discussion is the best educational tool when it comes to uncomfortable topics like how to find love and define intimacy.

That’s why I was thrilled to discover Cindy Pierce’s book, Sex, College and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture, which lives up to its name with everything college age kids should know. I love her answers to my questions in this interview below, where she includes insights into how watching porn affects college sex, what terminology to use for the TGNC community, and some funny stories about how consent apps have managed to work their magic without actually functioning properly! Enjoy.

Dr. Ava Cadell: What inspired you to write this book?

Cindy Pierce: The rampant below-average hookup sex in collage motivates me to provide information and guidance to as many students as I can in hopes that they choose to raise their standards. There is a lot of pressure on college students to be super knowledgeable and confident about sex, but the reality is that most of them are confused and have a lot of questions. College students continue to report that hookup sex is not particularly enjoyable or fulfilling, but they are willing to keep it in hopes that it will get better.

Telling friends that you hooked up is satisfying because you have checked the box and joined the club. When asked, students are willing to break the unspoken hookup code by admitting they were expecting more. Relentless messaging through social media, peers and the culture perpetuate the idea that if you just keep hooking up, you will eventually figure sex out. In reality, better sex requires communication, connection and vulnerability, which is juxtaposed to the rules of disconnected, pretend-to-not-care hookup sex.

Great sex is happening with people who are in tune with what gives them pleasure and comfortable enough to speak up and guide their partners.  When students say, “It would be too awkward” to guide their partner, ask for consent, or discuss contraception and STIs, I remind them that being naked with another person and having sex is awkward. Two naked people having sex is a recipe for a wide variety of cringe-worthy moments, but communication can make it an excellent experience.

Before I got into this work, I assumed college students were dialed in with information on the Internet. The reverse is proving to be true. Reliable information improves people’s sex lives and helps reduce their anxieties.

AC: What advice do you have for college students who enjoy watching porn?

CP: Be a well-informed consumer. Masturbation is normal and healthy for everyone, but the content of porn skews expectations of how bodies appear and respond. Obviously, viewers understand that porn isn’t real and is meant for fantasy. The average age a boy in the U.S. looks at porn was recently age 11, but more findings have indicated that the average age is closer to 9. This means years of viewing porn reinforces ideas about sex before you have sex with an actual partner.

I have heard from many boys and young men that it is difficult to reconcile real-life sexual experiences with what has been getting them off. It is fairly common to hear that guys struggle to get off with a partner and rely on fantasies from porn to help them ejaculate. More and more guys report that they can only get off with porn. There is emotional safety in avoiding sex with a partner, and getting off with porn is easier than managing another person’s needs and potential rejection. Erectile Dysfunction is an increasing issue for college men. Many who stop looking at porn report their erectile function returns.

Girls and women are viewing more porn. Some are using it as masturbation fuel. Some girls tell me they get ideas for sex dares from porn. Some find it interesting to learn what their male friends or partners are spending so much time viewing. I hear from a lot of women that they try to like porn, but the objectification of and violence against women starts to grate on them. While there is feminist-made porn with healthier portrayals of women, those sites get less traffic and require more effort to find. A number of women claim they watch porn because guys want them to. Being a chill, uncomplicated girl or woman who doesn’t question objectification earns social credibility with some guys. Recent research indicates that many young women value pleasing their male partners and seeming hot more than they value understanding their own capacity for pleasure. Claims of sexual liberation and empowerment would be more compelling if more of these girls and women were authentically engaged in their own needs and pleasure, having orgasms and communicating their desires to their partners.

Males and females who watch a lot of porn report genital image issues. Most women in porn remove their pubic hair and surgically alter their vulvas. This trend originated when porn producers had to replace underage girls with adult women. Trimming the labia and removing pubic hair was intended to make the women look young. The average size penis in porn is around 8 inches. The average size of an average guy’s penis is 5.5 inches.

The privacy of Internet porn enables people to seek answers and avoid admitting to anyone what they don’t know about sex. The most frequently viewed porn, however, is misleading viewers about what converts to sexual encounters in real life. Porn is the first stop for sexuality education for most boys and a number of girls. It is rare to meet a college guy who doesn’t watch porn, or who hasn’t at least seen it. Occasionally, I hear about or meet the one guy from northern Maine or New Hampshire where dial-up limited his access to porn throughout his teens. The streaming issues made it annoying enough that they got really good at using their imaginations. Studies show that guys who stop looking at porn regain erectile function, a happier state of mind, productivity and a healthier highlight reel (fantasy reel).

One of the first college guys I interviewed said, “I am only masturbating to porn until I have a girlfriend or wife.” The poor dear thought he would have sex on tap (access to sex by virtue of sharing a bed with a woman) once he regularly shared a bed with a woman. I shattered his dreams when I informed him that sex on tap is a rare thing, especially if the couple has kids and a job or two. I also told him to keep up the masturbation skills as a gift to his future partners.  I consider this a public service.

AC: What are some of the pros and cons to sexting?

CP: Pros with twist of con – Sexting enables people to: think before they express themselves or post a photo; carefully prepare what they say or post; keep some distance from emotional risk and pain; if someone responds in a hurtful or abusive manner, you can hide your reaction; yield nudes without having to ask directly; gain social credibility with peers who are the gatekeepers of acceptance; get more sex without having to put yourself out there to withstand rejection.

Cons – Sexting can give a person a false sense of comfort and confidence to rely on the opportunity to carefully compose a message or doctor up a photo; if it leads to sex, there is no app to rescue a person from the inevitable face-to-face awkward interaction; avoiding awkwardness leads to inevitable awkwardness (delays one’s learning); some people take offense; some people expect it even if you are not comfortable; if and when things don’t work out, your personal message may be shared publicly at your expense; nothing is ever really private.

AC: What can students do to avoid sexual assault on campus?

CP: Create a culture where intervention is the norm and people don’t tolerate and address micro-aggressions such as disrespectful language, objectification, and degradation as well as more blatant aggressions such a sexual harassment and hazing. Believing victims would lead to more reports from survivors who have feared reporting because so many cases have been mishandled. Schools that have the courage to risk tarnishing their image and losing support from alums will ultimately gain a better reputation as a fair and safe college.

Clear consequences for perpetrators carried about by law enforcement and/or the college would deter others and reduce incidents. There should be ongoing required programming for all men and women on campus such as Speak About It and programs from Prevention Intervention Resource Center (PIRC) . Common language and understanding of sexual assault, sexual harassment, and affirmative consent increases the chance for productive conversations about and engagement in solutions.

If we look at what students can do to avoid being sexually assaulted, the solution would also involve students taking an active role in improving the culture of their campuses by engaging men and women in educational programming and in ongoing conversations about improving their campus climate. The idea of using coercion, physical restraint or alcohol to subdue a person should be considered deplorable enough that people will step in and stop a friend or stranger from committing or becoming a victim of sexual assault.

70% of sexual assaults on campuses involve alcohol. 6-14% of men are repeat offenders, responsible for 90% of campus assaults. 68% of assaults are not reported, mostly because the survivor doesn’t think s/he will be believed. Sexual assaults are almost all committed by boys and men. False reports are rarer than people think (2-10%, equal to almost all other crimes). Information is power. Students don’t absorb it in one presentation. It is much more powerful if it reaches them in a variety of ways over time with plenty of overlap for the important details.

AC: How would you advise a student to tell his or her date that they have herpes?

CP: If you are on a date or just hooking up, STIs need to be addressed directly if you are going to be intimate. Many people carry and can pass long the herpes virus, even if they have never had an outbreak. Telling someone you have herpes is awkward and worth diving into. Since you can pass along the virus even if you aren’t having an outbreak, it is important to make your partner aware that you carry the virus whether your lesions are active or not.

Most people fear that they will be considered a gross, sleazy person if they admit they have herpes. It seems much more gross and sleazy to not tell a person and put them at risk of contracting it. Your honesty could ultimately be a trait that your partner finds refreshing and admirable. With that knowledge, you could decide together if you want to use a condom or a dental dam or refrain from sexual contact altogether. That is what an informed sexual decision looks like.

AC: How would you advise students to communicate sexual consent & what do you think about putting consent in writing?

CP: With more conversations and education around “yes means yes” (affirmative consent), it is becoming an expectation and a norm for college students to get and give clear, verbal consent. Many older people (including parents of college students) struggle to accept this and complain that it is not realistic to “go through a checklist.” Rather than a checklist, getting affirmative consent is about checking in as you go along with simple questions that are quite reasonable: Does this feel good? Are you comfortable with this? Does this feel ok? Laci Green has a great short video to help everyone:

I would like to hear more about college students aiming for healthy, consensual, communicative and pleasurable sexual encounters, rather than signing a consent form on an app to avoid being accused of sexual assault. Consent apps emphasize the idea of getting clearance and don’t encourage the idea that the right thing to do is to verbally ask for or give consent. It is worrisome that some of the potential users seem to be focused on avoiding consequences in case they make a sketchy choice or reach a point of intoxication that their judgment may be off, a recipe for nonconsensual sex.

Healthy sexual relationships involve two people of similar age consensually exploring each other’s bodies for pleasure. BOTH partners should be experiencing pleasure, which requires communication. Sloppy, drunk sex is common because the unspoken social contract of hookup culture is about depending on alcohol to make sex less awkward.

Navigating one consent app has proven to be so full of snags that couples are forced to stop and communicate to figure it out together before starting again. I heard a great story about a couple having so much trouble with the app that they had to turn on the lights, the guy had to reach for his glasses because he had already taken out his contacts, and they hunched over the phone together to work through the complicated app. By the time they had given consent on the app, they decided to just snuggle and go to sleep and have sex another time. I have also heard stories about couples whose arousal and interest in sex had been completely depleted during the process of figuring out the app. Upon realizing they were comfortable enough to rally up for sex after all that, it was evident that they didn’t need an app to ask for and give clear consent. In these two cases, a consent app is doing a nice job of slowing down the decision-making process.

AC: What is appropriate terminology to use for all things LGBTQ

CP: I included an extensive Glossary of Transgender and Gender-Nonconforming Terms in the resource section of my book. It is adapted from the glossary put together by the NYC Administration for Children’s Services in Safe & Respected and includes over thirty terms and definitions. There are many glossaries available through reliable resources online.

There is considerable misunderstanding about what terms are acceptable when discussing any aspect of the LGBTQ community. Some college students will avoid engaging in conversations, fearing they may offend or reveal their lack of awareness. First and foremost, it is important for students to understand the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender identity encompasses a person’s roles, expressions and internal identities. Sexual orientation describes a person’s attraction or sexual relationship (or lack thereof) with others. Gay, lesbian and bisexual students are still marginalized on college campuses to varying degrees, but acceptance has become an expectation on many college campuses. While acceptance of TGNC (transgender/gender nonconforming community) individuals is improving, it is clear that more educational programming is needed for the general population of students to get up to speed.

Many incoming college students have not had personal relationships with members of the TGNC community or have been taught respectful terms. Since terminology has been evolving in recent years, even open-minded parents and professors tend to use terms that are outdated such as cross-dresser (gender expression – a person who wears clothes of another gender). It is also common for people to use offensive terms such as sexual preference (rather than the correct term, sexual orientation) and hermaphrodite (intersex is the correct term for a person whose combination of chromosomes, gonads and hormones present in a way that is not strictly males or female). Being informed enables people to participate in conversations to further their understanding and avoid making assumptions and being offensive. Awareness of respectful language is a great first step toward acceptance and understanding.

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About Cindy Pierce

Cindy Pierce is a sex educator and comic storyteller who is on a mission to give students perspective and information so that they can better navigate cultural, media, and peer pressures, particularly around their social lives and sexual relationships. By weaving together expert opinions, personal anecdotes, and the real feedback of today’s college and high school students, Pierce helps make those ‘difficult’ conversations a little less difficult for everyone.

For more than a decade, Pierce has spoken at schools across the country about the importance of consent and communication in sexual relationships. She is the author of Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and co-author of Finding the Doorbell: Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul, in addition to her new book for college students. Pierce has been interviewed on NPR’s Here & Now, was honored as one of 14 Remarkable Women of the Arts in New Hampshire magazine, and is an in-demand speaker at college and high schools nationwide, where she consistently receives glowing praise from students and administrators nationwide for her honest and humorous approach to sex education.

Sexycises By Sexperts: Intimacy Through Yoga

I’m so excited to share my new project, featuring the world’s top sexperts in sexual health and pleasure demonstrating how to stay connected on the journey to sexual fitness and satisfaction. Poses range from playful to passionate, with mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual benefits for individuals and couples.

These are the superlative sexperts making love and intimacy a priority in people’s lives!

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Dr. Cat Meyer is an acroyoga expert, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in holistic psychotherapy and topics of sexuality, including intimacy through yoga. Dr. Cat Meyer’s Refresh Women’s Retreat: Embracing the Peace Within takes place October 14-16, 2016. Her couples yoga class called Sexy Sunday can be found at Create Yoga.

Andrew Sealy (Cat’s partner above) is a yoga artist and movement creator who teaches acroyoga to couples who want to build true intimacy.

Miyoko Rifkin: Acroyoga expert and on-air personality at Playboy Radio and owner/instructor at Domestic Goddess Studio, specializing in intimacy through yoga at Inverted Play.  Check out Miyoko’s Playboy radio show Play With Me!

Eric Blood (with Miyoko in the video) is a dance acroyoga expert who offers workshops for couples who want to connect mentally, physically and sensually.

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Dr. Hernando Chaves is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, human sexuality professor, media therapist, global speaker and Askmen.com sex columnist with a private practice in Beverly Hills.

Erika Jordan is a Certified Loveologist and love coach, actress, director, certified physical fitness trainer, sexpert and spokesmodel for BroMyGod. She also hosts ErikaJordan.org, a site dedicated to eliminating kill shelters with www.BestFriends.org

 

 

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Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce specializes in Intimacy Communication, Sensual Movement and Exotic Erotic Lifestyle Coaching. Her background as a registered nurse, health educator, sex & relationship author, radio talk show host and yoga therapist all enhance her passion as an International speaker and sensuality educator. Her Valentine’s Intimacy & Sex magic Retreat takes place February 11-18, 2017.

Symon Murray is an educator who lives a healthy sex positive, open lifestyle.  In lifestyle resorts around the world, Symon has taught all aspects of sexual pleasure; including specific classes in female ejaculation techniques (he is known as the Squirt Master) to both couples and individuals.

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Dr. Jallen Rix: Author of Ex-Gay No Way, clinical sexologist, educator, speaker and star of his own one-man show: Celebrating The Intersection of Self-Pleasuring and Self-Compassion. Look for Dr. Jallen in his one-man show Stake in the Ground: Celebrating the Intersection of Self-Pleasing and Self-Compassion

As a yoga teacher, Kayvon Afsarifard is interested in helping others develop their own practice and learn more about their own mind-body-soul connection. He is studying to be a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at Pepperdine University.

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Dr. Anne Ridley is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, psychotherapist, relationship and intimacy expert, public speaker and Certified Loveologist with a private practice in Santa Fe. She’s known as ‘The Modern Aphrodite.’ Here, she is posing with her boyfriend Nick Rosenheim.

 

 

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Dr. Amie Harwick is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author of The New Sex Bible for Women, global speaker and popular media therapist with a private practice in Beverly Hills.

Christina Engelhardt is a Certified Loveologist and love coach, author of two books, screenwriter, award winning producer, model, actress, photographer and celebrity astrologer.

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Kayna Cassard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Sex Therapist with a private practice in West LA. She is an Acroyoga expert who teaches therapeutic workshops on play and intimacy skills.

Dominick Cole is a renowned Acroyoga expert and teacher with therapeutic workshops that focus on healing through movement as well as play & intimacy skills.

Connect with Kayna and Dominick at their workshop: Acroyoga Play & Intimacy Skills: A Therapeutic Workshop

 

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Brett Stephenson conducts Erotic Yoga & Deep Tissue Tantra Massage at the dedicated swinger’s party space with a “club” setting, Twist, in San Francisco.

 

 

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Dr. Don Etkes is the author of “Loving With Passion” and holds a Ph.D. in psychology. He has 20 years experience as a life coach, hynotherapist, UCLA-trained sex therapist, professional speaker, and licensed marriage and family therapist.

Dr. Tamar Riley is an IPSA accredited professional and doctor in the field of human sexuality, specializing in hands-on, holistic approach to sexual anxieties that hinder sensual intimacy.

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Dr. Ava Cadell,Christina Engelhardt & Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce

Dr. Jane Hamilton is a global sex educator, award-winning producer and director of high quality erotica for women and couples, dynamic speaker and creator of Love is Better with Age.

Dr. Ava Cadell is a sexologist, global speaker media therapist, author of 10 books and 13 instructional videos, AASECT certified sex counselor, Founder of Loveology University and President of the American College of Sexologists international. She was voted Sexpert of the Year by the Sexual Health Expo (SHE).

Special thanks to Robert James and Nick Blond at NuReality Productions and Photos by Enoch Kim

Stay tuned for the latest news on Sexycises by Sexperts book, video, seminars and retreats!

To Spit Or Swallow?

I was in the nail salon, gazing at a turned off television flanked by fake flowers, when the age-old question, “Do you spit or swallow?” eeked into my brain. “Spit or swallow” is the harshly limited ultimatum posed to teenagers, and most of us haven’t heard it since high school. Back then, I’m pretty sure I knew girls who answered both ways. Not being on the receiving end of fellatio, I took little note of who said what or why.

While one hand soaked and the other’s nails were filed, I wondered, “does anyone really spit?” Do women actually take ejaculate into their mouths and then spit it out because they object to swallowing? Is there a reason for objecting to swallowing other than disliking the taste? Doesn’t everyone know that tastebuds are on the tongue and not in the stomach?

While my polish was applied, I determined that no, no one spits. At least not anyone out of high school, and probably not even teenagers, given the extent of information and entertainment on the internet. That might have been that (I’m good at deciding things and singularly declaring them to be true) if the subject hadn’t come up later that night.

Our spit vs. swallow conversation derived from the topic of sexual education and the darnedest things kids say. A friend’s pre-teen had recently learned that oral sex is a thing, and wondered why people do it.

“So, but, do kids actually still talk about ‘spit or swallow’?” I interjected. Does ANYONE spit? I mean, for reasons other than being stimulated by the visual of spitting and then maybe licking it back up?”

I got a few blank looks and the familiar comment, “You’re on the other far side of the spectrum.”

Someone suggested I conduct I survey. We all admitted that, coming from Taboo’s social media followers, the results would be extremely biased. Then I did it anyway.

Here’s what my seven question, extremely biased “Let’s Talk About Head” survey taught me:

60% of women really enjoy giving head. 30% dig it when they’re in the mood, and 10% will do it to please their partners. Conversely, a whopping 90% of men love performing oral sex and only one responded that he didn’t enjoy it at all.

When it comes to climax, 75% of women and 84% of men want to do it in their partners’ mouths.

When I asked how women feel about their partner climaxing in their mouths, 58% said it turns them on. 33% responded “It’s nice, I guess.” 7% refuse it.

Contrarily, 88% of my male respondents are turned on by receiving orgasm orally! High fives!

 Finally, do women spit or swallow?

My super-scientifically sound survey determines that 79% of women swallow.

7% spit because they don’t don’t enjoy swallowing, 5% spit because they find it erotic, and 9% never let ejaculate touch their lips. Those who find spitting erotic were some of the first to respond, so I’m pretty sure they’re my employees, but I stand by the authenticity of my results.

So, okay, a few of you do spit. Color me the teensiest bit wrong and the slightest bit confused. However, I like it when sexual practices surprise me. It means folks are keeping it fresh, which is one of the first rules of good sex.

Another is being true to yourself. While pushing personal boundaries is often stimulating, no one should feel pressured to participate in what makes them uncomfortable.

You do you, but I’ll leave you with a healthful facts about semen:

  • Is a natural anti-depressant
  • Contains anti-anxiety hormones
  • Encourages better sleep through melatonin
  • Improves memory and brain function
  • Contains zinc, an antioxidant that slows aging

Cheers.

Catalyst Con: Discussing The Sexual Discourse

The 5th Catalyst Con took place in Los Angeles with over 100 speakers who spoke sexpertly about sex! Sex Therapists, Sex Educators, Sexologists, Journalists, M.D.’s, PhD’s, MFT’s, and LCSW’s, all became BFF’s as they discussed the latest sex & relationship issues and current sexual politics.

Seminars included “Care and Control in Power Exchange Relationships” held by Kinkster expert Erin Kennedy. “Coming Out Like A Porn Star” discussed how being in porn affects dating, (It’s awkward!), and was presented by Jiz Lee, Joanna Angel, Casey Calvert, and Jack HmmrXL. “Micro-aggressions of Desire,” led by Yosenio V. Lewis, touched on the subject of race and sexual desire. All fascinating stuff.

Super Sex Educator Reid Milhako‘s “Sex Geek” workshops were packed with Sex Educators trying to be sex positive in a sex negative world, while Kevin Patterson and “Dirty Lola” discussed their “adventures in polyamory”, and candidly revealed how cheating on their spouses ended up opening up their marriages to a new, polyamorous lifestyle.

“Sparking communication in sexuality, activism, and acceptance,” the conference was created to “inspire exceptional conversations about sexuality,” says it’s founder Dee Dennis. “It’ about changing how we as a society talk and treat sexuality, says Ms. Dennis.

“The more we talk and share our knowledge about the issues surrounding sex, and specifically the stigma of sex, the more we can all work together to try to remove that stigma,” Ms. Dennis notes. For more info visit Catalystcon.com.

Fifty Shades of Inverted Play, free workshop this Sunday at The Pleasure Chest!

**Free workshop** at the Pleasure Chest LA this weekend with Inverted Play!

Why is sex upside down is so much better?!  Come experience Inverted Play… Fifty Shades darker.  Miyoko and Eric will explain what happens to the body during inversions and how you can apply the products featured in the best-selling novels by E.L. James. Understand the human response to inversion, how creating weightlessness and suspension can calm the body, enhance trust, and encourage open communication.

Learn how to safely invert your partner to give them a weightless and sensual experience.  We’ll cover fundamental acroyoga moves and combine them with exciting sensory stimulation, sensory deprivation, and light impact play.

No partner?  No problem!  You can either bring a friend or make a new one when you arrive!  Acroyoga is a safe and consensual practice that builds communication skills, and increase awareness whether you’re single, or in a relationship.

This class will be interactive: wear comfortable, form-fitting clothes, bring a yoga mat and a partner, or come solo and make new friends! No fitness or flexibility required. Just bring your sense of adventure!

The Pleasure Chest is located in West Los Angeles at 7733 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046  323.650.1022

They do not offer advance registration or reserved seating for free workshops or events. Attendance is on a first come, first served basis. Early arrival is recommended to secure your spot!

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