Wednesday, April 26, 2017

How To Make A DIY Sex-Attracting Fragrance

Olfactory senses play a significant part in our sexual stimulation. Whether we’re aware of it or not, smells send important chemical messages to potential mates. Tests show that Lavender ranked highly among both men and women, but the scent of licorice earned the most positive erotic response from females while pumpkin (more accurately, the spices we associate with pumpkin) was #1 among men. How appropriate that the holiday season is upon us. It’s one that often hosts scents of spiced pumpkin and other tasty foods, so naturally, it should be one that inspires people to get a little closer. Fun fact: most babies are conceived in December! Coincidence?

If you’re in the mood to entice your romantic interest and heat things up indoors while things get cooler outdoors, you may want to consider creating the ideal scent for your room or for yourself. The steps below are simple, so if you have even the slightest talent for DIY projects, the following is definitely worth trying.

For body:

To make your own irresistible scent, you’ll need a carrier oil, such as jojoba, almond, grapeseed, avocado or sesame oil. These are all easily accessible oils that are lightweight and safely absorb into your skin.

You will also need 100% pure essential oils. FYI, licorice is a difficult smell to come by, but fennel and anise have a licorice smell. Below are suggested oils for you to select from and create your own holiday spice mixture.

In a 10ml roller bottle or perfume jar, mix 10 – 14 drops of each of your favorite smells. You’ll probably want to keep this below 24 drops in total and if you want a particular scent to be stronger, make that number of drops greater than the other scents (EX: 14 drops lead scent, 8 drops secondary scent or 10, 8, 6 of a combo of 3 oils). Fill the rest of the bottle with your preferred carrier oil, close and shake. Apply to hot spots on your body like the back of your neck, wrists or insides of your elbows when you’re ready to seduce.

For home:

  • Decorative jar
  • Reed diffuser sticks
  • Essential oils (Ex: cedarwood, lime, vanilla, nutmeg, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, pine, orange, anise, ginger)

To create your own diffuser, blend 1/4 cup of hot water with ¼ cup of vodka…yes, vodka. Then, ad no more than 25 drops of whichever combination of essential oils you chose to blend to create your ideal scent. Mix it up, then carefully pour it in into a decorative jar. Dip a handful of diffuser sticks in the jar, then take your stick out, turn them upside down, place them back in the jar and let them stay in that way. The subtle scent that this ads to your home will help set the right mood for your time with you company.

Enjoy!

5 Weird Things To Do To His Penis

Before I stepped into “Snake Charming” class on my trip to Hedonism II, the clothing optional, adults only resort in Negril, Jamaica, I thought there is no way I’m going to learn anything new. At the risk of sounding cocky, my boyfriend says my hand-job skills are quite epic.

But, we were at Hedo to try new things, like going nude 24/7, having sex on the beach, and taking the weeklong courses in Tantric sex for couples. So, epic skills aside, we gave it a go.

Well, kudos to Kim and Brad Walker of Houston, Texas-based Tantric Hearts, who have been teaching tantric sex and couples workshops at Hedonism II for 17 years, for proving me oh so wrong. They taught this old dog a few new tricks – 16 new tricks in fact, five of which I’ll share in detail.

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During class we learned how to massage the penis with the Thank U, Sausage Roll, Polish the Helmet, The OK, Windshield Wiper, Fire Starter, Ring N Tickle, Peace Grip, Thumb PPT (PPT=Pressure Point), Knuckle PPT, Bendy Thing, Sextension, Press N Pull, Peace Press (not to be confused with the aforementioned Peace Grip), Vas Press, and the Thumbs Up.

 

 

Here are five of my boyfriend’s favorites:

Windshield Wiper

Put oil on your man’s belly just above the pubic bone and pull gently down on his scrotum. With your hand placed flat on the outside shaft of his penis, you move the penis from left to right like a windshield wiper (the oil helps it glide with ease). This one evoked a bit of a giggle from us. My boyfriend thought it was “exciting” because it was new, but didn’t quite love it as much as other techniques.

The OK

Make the “OK” sign with your thumb and first finger in the shape of a circle and your remaining fingers straight up and place the tip of the penis in the circle. Focus the massage on the ridge and tip of the head. Some men are too sensitive for this, so be aware of how your partner is responding.

Sausage Roll

Grasp the base of his cock with one hand and layer your other hand in a grip on the top of his penis so that the edges of your fists are touching. Hold this penis tightly, but don’t squeeze too hard. Stroke the penis with both hands going in unison up and down. This makes a guy with a small penis feel bigger.

Polish the Helmet

Grasp the penis tightly with a full-hand grip. As you are stroking it up and down, place your other hand over the tip of the penis with the head in the middle part of the inside of hand and move that hand in circles. It helps if the inside of that hand is oil-ed up. It’s kind of like the thing we all did as kids where you’re patting your hand and circling your belly to test your coordination.

Fire Starter

Don’t attempt this dry! Coconut oil is your best friend here or you can cause some serious friction to your man’s skin. Place one hand on one side of the penis and the other on the other side and move your hands back and forth as if you are starting a fire with a stick, or when one rubs their hands together to generate heat. This works best when the penis is placed between closed-fingers so that the fingers feel like ridges.

Sex, College & Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture – Interview with Author Cindy Pierce

I have long been interested in the psychology of young people when it comes to sex and relationships. There’s a lot of confusion about how to deal with negative emotions such as jealousy and rejection that lead to low-self esteem, poor body image and unhealthy competition. All these can shroud the path to healthy relationships and satisfying sex.

In my own seminars with young people, I often ask them to throw their anonymous questions into a hat so that they can receive answers and insight without any fear of shame or embarrassment. I believe direct, frank discussion is the best educational tool when it comes to uncomfortable topics like how to find love and define intimacy.

That’s why I was thrilled to discover Cindy Pierce’s book, Sex, College and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture, which lives up to its name with everything college age kids should know. I love her answers to my questions in this interview below, where she includes insights into how watching porn affects college sex, what terminology to use for the TGNC community, and some funny stories about how consent apps have managed to work their magic without actually functioning properly! Enjoy.

Dr. Ava Cadell: What inspired you to write this book?

Cindy Pierce: The rampant below-average hookup sex in collage motivates me to provide information and guidance to as many students as I can in hopes that they choose to raise their standards. There is a lot of pressure on college students to be super knowledgeable and confident about sex, but the reality is that most of them are confused and have a lot of questions. College students continue to report that hookup sex is not particularly enjoyable or fulfilling, but they are willing to keep it in hopes that it will get better.

Telling friends that you hooked up is satisfying because you have checked the box and joined the club. When asked, students are willing to break the unspoken hookup code by admitting they were expecting more. Relentless messaging through social media, peers and the culture perpetuate the idea that if you just keep hooking up, you will eventually figure sex out. In reality, better sex requires communication, connection and vulnerability, which is juxtaposed to the rules of disconnected, pretend-to-not-care hookup sex.

Great sex is happening with people who are in tune with what gives them pleasure and comfortable enough to speak up and guide their partners.  When students say, “It would be too awkward” to guide their partner, ask for consent, or discuss contraception and STIs, I remind them that being naked with another person and having sex is awkward. Two naked people having sex is a recipe for a wide variety of cringe-worthy moments, but communication can make it an excellent experience.

Before I got into this work, I assumed college students were dialed in with information on the Internet. The reverse is proving to be true. Reliable information improves people’s sex lives and helps reduce their anxieties.

AC: What advice do you have for college students who enjoy watching porn?

CP: Be a well-informed consumer. Masturbation is normal and healthy for everyone, but the content of porn skews expectations of how bodies appear and respond. Obviously, viewers understand that porn isn’t real and is meant for fantasy. The average age a boy in the U.S. looks at porn was recently age 11, but more findings have indicated that the average age is closer to 9. This means years of viewing porn reinforces ideas about sex before you have sex with an actual partner.

I have heard from many boys and young men that it is difficult to reconcile real-life sexual experiences with what has been getting them off. It is fairly common to hear that guys struggle to get off with a partner and rely on fantasies from porn to help them ejaculate. More and more guys report that they can only get off with porn. There is emotional safety in avoiding sex with a partner, and getting off with porn is easier than managing another person’s needs and potential rejection. Erectile Dysfunction is an increasing issue for college men. Many who stop looking at porn report their erectile function returns.

Girls and women are viewing more porn. Some are using it as masturbation fuel. Some girls tell me they get ideas for sex dares from porn. Some find it interesting to learn what their male friends or partners are spending so much time viewing. I hear from a lot of women that they try to like porn, but the objectification of and violence against women starts to grate on them. While there is feminist-made porn with healthier portrayals of women, those sites get less traffic and require more effort to find. A number of women claim they watch porn because guys want them to. Being a chill, uncomplicated girl or woman who doesn’t question objectification earns social credibility with some guys. Recent research indicates that many young women value pleasing their male partners and seeming hot more than they value understanding their own capacity for pleasure. Claims of sexual liberation and empowerment would be more compelling if more of these girls and women were authentically engaged in their own needs and pleasure, having orgasms and communicating their desires to their partners.

Males and females who watch a lot of porn report genital image issues. Most women in porn remove their pubic hair and surgically alter their vulvas. This trend originated when porn producers had to replace underage girls with adult women. Trimming the labia and removing pubic hair was intended to make the women look young. The average size penis in porn is around 8 inches. The average size of an average guy’s penis is 5.5 inches.

The privacy of Internet porn enables people to seek answers and avoid admitting to anyone what they don’t know about sex. The most frequently viewed porn, however, is misleading viewers about what converts to sexual encounters in real life. Porn is the first stop for sexuality education for most boys and a number of girls. It is rare to meet a college guy who doesn’t watch porn, or who hasn’t at least seen it. Occasionally, I hear about or meet the one guy from northern Maine or New Hampshire where dial-up limited his access to porn throughout his teens. The streaming issues made it annoying enough that they got really good at using their imaginations. Studies show that guys who stop looking at porn regain erectile function, a happier state of mind, productivity and a healthier highlight reel (fantasy reel).

One of the first college guys I interviewed said, “I am only masturbating to porn until I have a girlfriend or wife.” The poor dear thought he would have sex on tap (access to sex by virtue of sharing a bed with a woman) once he regularly shared a bed with a woman. I shattered his dreams when I informed him that sex on tap is a rare thing, especially if the couple has kids and a job or two. I also told him to keep up the masturbation skills as a gift to his future partners.  I consider this a public service.

AC: What are some of the pros and cons to sexting?

CP: Pros with twist of con – Sexting enables people to: think before they express themselves or post a photo; carefully prepare what they say or post; keep some distance from emotional risk and pain; if someone responds in a hurtful or abusive manner, you can hide your reaction; yield nudes without having to ask directly; gain social credibility with peers who are the gatekeepers of acceptance; get more sex without having to put yourself out there to withstand rejection.

Cons – Sexting can give a person a false sense of comfort and confidence to rely on the opportunity to carefully compose a message or doctor up a photo; if it leads to sex, there is no app to rescue a person from the inevitable face-to-face awkward interaction; avoiding awkwardness leads to inevitable awkwardness (delays one’s learning); some people take offense; some people expect it even if you are not comfortable; if and when things don’t work out, your personal message may be shared publicly at your expense; nothing is ever really private.

AC: What can students do to avoid sexual assault on campus?

CP: Create a culture where intervention is the norm and people don’t tolerate and address micro-aggressions such as disrespectful language, objectification, and degradation as well as more blatant aggressions such a sexual harassment and hazing. Believing victims would lead to more reports from survivors who have feared reporting because so many cases have been mishandled. Schools that have the courage to risk tarnishing their image and losing support from alums will ultimately gain a better reputation as a fair and safe college.

Clear consequences for perpetrators carried about by law enforcement and/or the college would deter others and reduce incidents. There should be ongoing required programming for all men and women on campus such as Speak About It and programs from Prevention Intervention Resource Center (PIRC) . Common language and understanding of sexual assault, sexual harassment, and affirmative consent increases the chance for productive conversations about and engagement in solutions.

If we look at what students can do to avoid being sexually assaulted, the solution would also involve students taking an active role in improving the culture of their campuses by engaging men and women in educational programming and in ongoing conversations about improving their campus climate. The idea of using coercion, physical restraint or alcohol to subdue a person should be considered deplorable enough that people will step in and stop a friend or stranger from committing or becoming a victim of sexual assault.

70% of sexual assaults on campuses involve alcohol. 6-14% of men are repeat offenders, responsible for 90% of campus assaults. 68% of assaults are not reported, mostly because the survivor doesn’t think s/he will be believed. Sexual assaults are almost all committed by boys and men. False reports are rarer than people think (2-10%, equal to almost all other crimes). Information is power. Students don’t absorb it in one presentation. It is much more powerful if it reaches them in a variety of ways over time with plenty of overlap for the important details.

AC: How would you advise a student to tell his or her date that they have herpes?

CP: If you are on a date or just hooking up, STIs need to be addressed directly if you are going to be intimate. Many people carry and can pass long the herpes virus, even if they have never had an outbreak. Telling someone you have herpes is awkward and worth diving into. Since you can pass along the virus even if you aren’t having an outbreak, it is important to make your partner aware that you carry the virus whether your lesions are active or not.

Most people fear that they will be considered a gross, sleazy person if they admit they have herpes. It seems much more gross and sleazy to not tell a person and put them at risk of contracting it. Your honesty could ultimately be a trait that your partner finds refreshing and admirable. With that knowledge, you could decide together if you want to use a condom or a dental dam or refrain from sexual contact altogether. That is what an informed sexual decision looks like.

AC: How would you advise students to communicate sexual consent & what do you think about putting consent in writing?

CP: With more conversations and education around “yes means yes” (affirmative consent), it is becoming an expectation and a norm for college students to get and give clear, verbal consent. Many older people (including parents of college students) struggle to accept this and complain that it is not realistic to “go through a checklist.” Rather than a checklist, getting affirmative consent is about checking in as you go along with simple questions that are quite reasonable: Does this feel good? Are you comfortable with this? Does this feel ok? Laci Green has a great short video to help everyone:

I would like to hear more about college students aiming for healthy, consensual, communicative and pleasurable sexual encounters, rather than signing a consent form on an app to avoid being accused of sexual assault. Consent apps emphasize the idea of getting clearance and don’t encourage the idea that the right thing to do is to verbally ask for or give consent. It is worrisome that some of the potential users seem to be focused on avoiding consequences in case they make a sketchy choice or reach a point of intoxication that their judgment may be off, a recipe for nonconsensual sex.

Healthy sexual relationships involve two people of similar age consensually exploring each other’s bodies for pleasure. BOTH partners should be experiencing pleasure, which requires communication. Sloppy, drunk sex is common because the unspoken social contract of hookup culture is about depending on alcohol to make sex less awkward.

Navigating one consent app has proven to be so full of snags that couples are forced to stop and communicate to figure it out together before starting again. I heard a great story about a couple having so much trouble with the app that they had to turn on the lights, the guy had to reach for his glasses because he had already taken out his contacts, and they hunched over the phone together to work through the complicated app. By the time they had given consent on the app, they decided to just snuggle and go to sleep and have sex another time. I have also heard stories about couples whose arousal and interest in sex had been completely depleted during the process of figuring out the app. Upon realizing they were comfortable enough to rally up for sex after all that, it was evident that they didn’t need an app to ask for and give clear consent. In these two cases, a consent app is doing a nice job of slowing down the decision-making process.

AC: What is appropriate terminology to use for all things LGBTQ

CP: I included an extensive Glossary of Transgender and Gender-Nonconforming Terms in the resource section of my book. It is adapted from the glossary put together by the NYC Administration for Children’s Services in Safe & Respected and includes over thirty terms and definitions. There are many glossaries available through reliable resources online.

There is considerable misunderstanding about what terms are acceptable when discussing any aspect of the LGBTQ community. Some college students will avoid engaging in conversations, fearing they may offend or reveal their lack of awareness. First and foremost, it is important for students to understand the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. Gender identity encompasses a person’s roles, expressions and internal identities. Sexual orientation describes a person’s attraction or sexual relationship (or lack thereof) with others. Gay, lesbian and bisexual students are still marginalized on college campuses to varying degrees, but acceptance has become an expectation on many college campuses. While acceptance of TGNC (transgender/gender nonconforming community) individuals is improving, it is clear that more educational programming is needed for the general population of students to get up to speed.

Many incoming college students have not had personal relationships with members of the TGNC community or have been taught respectful terms. Since terminology has been evolving in recent years, even open-minded parents and professors tend to use terms that are outdated such as cross-dresser (gender expression – a person who wears clothes of another gender). It is also common for people to use offensive terms such as sexual preference (rather than the correct term, sexual orientation) and hermaphrodite (intersex is the correct term for a person whose combination of chromosomes, gonads and hormones present in a way that is not strictly males or female). Being informed enables people to participate in conversations to further their understanding and avoid making assumptions and being offensive. Awareness of respectful language is a great first step toward acceptance and understanding.

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About Cindy Pierce

Cindy Pierce is a sex educator and comic storyteller who is on a mission to give students perspective and information so that they can better navigate cultural, media, and peer pressures, particularly around their social lives and sexual relationships. By weaving together expert opinions, personal anecdotes, and the real feedback of today’s college and high school students, Pierce helps make those ‘difficult’ conversations a little less difficult for everyone.

For more than a decade, Pierce has spoken at schools across the country about the importance of consent and communication in sexual relationships. She is the author of Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and co-author of Finding the Doorbell: Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul, in addition to her new book for college students. Pierce has been interviewed on NPR’s Here & Now, was honored as one of 14 Remarkable Women of the Arts in New Hampshire magazine, and is an in-demand speaker at college and high schools nationwide, where she consistently receives glowing praise from students and administrators nationwide for her honest and humorous approach to sex education.

Sexycises By Sexperts: Intimacy Through Yoga

I’m so excited to share my new project, featuring the world’s top sexperts in sexual health and pleasure demonstrating how to stay connected on the journey to sexual fitness and satisfaction. Poses range from playful to passionate, with mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual benefits for individuals and couples.

These are the superlative sexperts making love and intimacy a priority in people’s lives!

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Dr. Cat Meyer is an acroyoga expert, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in holistic psychotherapy and topics of sexuality, including intimacy through yoga. Dr. Cat Meyer’s Refresh Women’s Retreat: Embracing the Peace Within takes place October 14-16, 2016. Her couples yoga class called Sexy Sunday can be found at Create Yoga.

Andrew Sealy (Cat’s partner above) is a yoga artist and movement creator who teaches acroyoga to couples who want to build true intimacy.

Miyoko Rifkin: Acroyoga expert and on-air personality at Playboy Radio and owner/instructor at Domestic Goddess Studio, specializing in intimacy through yoga at Inverted Play.  Check out Miyoko’s Playboy radio show Play With Me!

Eric Blood (with Miyoko in the video) is a dance acroyoga expert who offers workshops for couples who want to connect mentally, physically and sensually.

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Dr. Hernando Chaves is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, human sexuality professor, media therapist, global speaker and Askmen.com sex columnist with a private practice in Beverly Hills.

Erika Jordan is a Certified Loveologist and love coach, actress, director, certified physical fitness trainer, sexpert and spokesmodel for BroMyGod. She also hosts ErikaJordan.org, a site dedicated to eliminating kill shelters with www.BestFriends.org

 

 

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Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce specializes in Intimacy Communication, Sensual Movement and Exotic Erotic Lifestyle Coaching. Her background as a registered nurse, health educator, sex & relationship author, radio talk show host and yoga therapist all enhance her passion as an International speaker and sensuality educator. Her Valentine’s Intimacy & Sex magic Retreat takes place February 11-18, 2017.

Symon Murray is an educator who lives a healthy sex positive, open lifestyle.  In lifestyle resorts around the world, Symon has taught all aspects of sexual pleasure; including specific classes in female ejaculation techniques (he is known as the Squirt Master) to both couples and individuals.

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Dr. Jallen Rix: Author of Ex-Gay No Way, clinical sexologist, educator, speaker and star of his own one-man show: Celebrating The Intersection of Self-Pleasuring and Self-Compassion. Look for Dr. Jallen in his one-man show Stake in the Ground: Celebrating the Intersection of Self-Pleasing and Self-Compassion

As a yoga teacher, Kayvon Afsarifard is interested in helping others develop their own practice and learn more about their own mind-body-soul connection. He is studying to be a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist at Pepperdine University.

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Dr. Anne Ridley is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, psychotherapist, relationship and intimacy expert, public speaker and Certified Loveologist with a private practice in Santa Fe. She’s known as ‘The Modern Aphrodite.’ Here, she is posing with her boyfriend Nick Rosenheim.

 

 

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Dr. Amie Harwick is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author of The New Sex Bible for Women, global speaker and popular media therapist with a private practice in Beverly Hills.

Christina Engelhardt is a Certified Loveologist and love coach, author of two books, screenwriter, award winning producer, model, actress, photographer and celebrity astrologer.

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Kayna Cassard is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Sex Therapist with a private practice in West LA. She is an Acroyoga expert who teaches therapeutic workshops on play and intimacy skills.

Dominick Cole is a renowned Acroyoga expert and teacher with therapeutic workshops that focus on healing through movement as well as play & intimacy skills.

Connect with Kayna and Dominick at their workshop: Acroyoga Play & Intimacy Skills: A Therapeutic Workshop

 

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Brett Stephenson conducts Erotic Yoga & Deep Tissue Tantra Massage at the dedicated swinger’s party space with a “club” setting, Twist, in San Francisco.

 

 

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Dr. Don Etkes is the author of “Loving With Passion” and holds a Ph.D. in psychology. He has 20 years experience as a life coach, hynotherapist, UCLA-trained sex therapist, professional speaker, and licensed marriage and family therapist.

Dr. Tamar Riley is an IPSA accredited professional and doctor in the field of human sexuality, specializing in hands-on, holistic approach to sexual anxieties that hinder sensual intimacy.

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Dr. Ava Cadell,Christina Engelhardt & Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce

Dr. Jane Hamilton is a global sex educator, award-winning producer and director of high quality erotica for women and couples, dynamic speaker and creator of Love is Better with Age.

Dr. Ava Cadell is a sexologist, global speaker media therapist, author of 10 books and 13 instructional videos, AASECT certified sex counselor, Founder of Loveology University and President of the American College of Sexologists international. She was voted Sexpert of the Year by the Sexual Health Expo (SHE).

Special thanks to Robert James and Nick Blond at NuReality Productions and Photos by Enoch Kim

Stay tuned for the latest news on Sexycises by Sexperts book, video, seminars and retreats!

To Spit Or Swallow?

I was in the nail salon, gazing at a turned off television flanked by fake flowers, when the age-old question, “Do you spit or swallow?” eeked into my brain. “Spit or swallow” is the harshly limited ultimatum posed to teenagers, and most of us haven’t heard it since high school. Back then, I’m pretty sure I knew girls who answered both ways. Not being on the receiving end of fellatio, I took little note of who said what or why.

While one hand soaked and the other’s nails were filed, I wondered, “does anyone really spit?” Do women actually take ejaculate into their mouths and then spit it out because they object to swallowing? Is there a reason for objecting to swallowing other than disliking the taste? Doesn’t everyone know that tastebuds are on the tongue and not in the stomach?

While my polish was applied, I determined that no, no one spits. At least not anyone out of high school, and probably not even teenagers, given the extent of information and entertainment on the internet. That might have been that (I’m good at deciding things and singularly declaring them to be true) if the subject hadn’t come up later that night.

Our spit vs. swallow conversation derived from the topic of sexual education and the darnedest things kids say. A friend’s pre-teen had recently learned that oral sex is a thing, and wondered why people do it.

“So, but, do kids actually still talk about ‘spit or swallow’?” I interjected. Does ANYONE spit? I mean, for reasons other than being stimulated by the visual of spitting and then maybe licking it back up?”

I got a few blank looks and the familiar comment, “You’re on the other far side of the spectrum.”

Someone suggested I conduct I survey. We all admitted that, coming from Taboo’s social media followers, the results would be extremely biased. Then I did it anyway.

Here’s what my seven question, extremely biased “Let’s Talk About Head” survey taught me:

60% of women really enjoy giving head. 30% dig it when they’re in the mood, and 10% will do it to please their partners. Conversely, a whopping 90% of men love performing oral sex and only one responded that he didn’t enjoy it at all.

When it comes to climax, 75% of women and 84% of men want to do it in their partners’ mouths.

When I asked how women feel about their partner climaxing in their mouths, 58% said it turns them on. 33% responded “It’s nice, I guess.” 7% refuse it.

Contrarily, 88% of my male respondents are turned on by receiving orgasm orally! High fives!

 Finally, do women spit or swallow?

My super-scientifically sound survey determines that 79% of women swallow.

7% spit because they don’t don’t enjoy swallowing, 5% spit because they find it erotic, and 9% never let ejaculate touch their lips. Those who find spitting erotic were some of the first to respond, so I’m pretty sure they’re my employees, but I stand by the authenticity of my results.

So, okay, a few of you do spit. Color me the teensiest bit wrong and the slightest bit confused. However, I like it when sexual practices surprise me. It means folks are keeping it fresh, which is one of the first rules of good sex.

Another is being true to yourself. While pushing personal boundaries is often stimulating, no one should feel pressured to participate in what makes them uncomfortable.

You do you, but I’ll leave you with a healthful facts about semen:

  • Is a natural anti-depressant
  • Contains anti-anxiety hormones
  • Encourages better sleep through melatonin
  • Improves memory and brain function
  • Contains zinc, an antioxidant that slows aging

Cheers.

Catalyst Con: Discussing The Sexual Discourse

The 5th Catalyst Con took place in Los Angeles with over 100 speakers who spoke sexpertly about sex! Sex Therapists, Sex Educators, Sexologists, Journalists, M.D.’s, PhD’s, MFT’s, and LCSW’s, all became BFF’s as they discussed the latest sex & relationship issues and current sexual politics.

Seminars included “Care and Control in Power Exchange Relationships” held by Kinkster expert Erin Kennedy. “Coming Out Like A Porn Star” discussed how being in porn affects dating, (It’s awkward!), and was presented by Jiz Lee, Joanna Angel, Casey Calvert, and Jack HmmrXL. “Micro-aggressions of Desire,” led by Yosenio V. Lewis, touched on the subject of race and sexual desire. All fascinating stuff.

Super Sex Educator Reid Milhako‘s “Sex Geek” workshops were packed with Sex Educators trying to be sex positive in a sex negative world, while Kevin Patterson and “Dirty Lola” discussed their “adventures in polyamory”, and candidly revealed how cheating on their spouses ended up opening up their marriages to a new, polyamorous lifestyle.

“Sparking communication in sexuality, activism, and acceptance,” the conference was created to “inspire exceptional conversations about sexuality,” says it’s founder Dee Dennis. “It’ about changing how we as a society talk and treat sexuality, says Ms. Dennis.

“The more we talk and share our knowledge about the issues surrounding sex, and specifically the stigma of sex, the more we can all work together to try to remove that stigma,” Ms. Dennis notes. For more info visit Catalystcon.com.

Fifty Shades of Inverted Play, free workshop this Sunday at The Pleasure Chest!

**Free workshop** at the Pleasure Chest LA this weekend with Inverted Play!

Why is sex upside down is so much better?!  Come experience Inverted Play… Fifty Shades darker.  Miyoko and Eric will explain what happens to the body during inversions and how you can apply the products featured in the best-selling novels by E.L. James. Understand the human response to inversion, how creating weightlessness and suspension can calm the body, enhance trust, and encourage open communication.

Learn how to safely invert your partner to give them a weightless and sensual experience.  We’ll cover fundamental acroyoga moves and combine them with exciting sensory stimulation, sensory deprivation, and light impact play.

No partner?  No problem!  You can either bring a friend or make a new one when you arrive!  Acroyoga is a safe and consensual practice that builds communication skills, and increase awareness whether you’re single, or in a relationship.

This class will be interactive: wear comfortable, form-fitting clothes, bring a yoga mat and a partner, or come solo and make new friends! No fitness or flexibility required. Just bring your sense of adventure!

The Pleasure Chest is located in West Los Angeles at 7733 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90046  323.650.1022

They do not offer advance registration or reserved seating for free workshops or events. Attendance is on a first come, first served basis. Early arrival is recommended to secure your spot!

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Coming Out Again… And Again… And Again

We talk about coming out as if it’s something you only do once.  In my experience it’s an ongoing part of life. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it makes my stomach flutter. I first came out as a lesbian 30 years ago when I was still in college.  Initially I was very careful about whom I shared this tender information with.  In 1985 being gay felt both like being part of a special club and living in a freak show.

Over time, I widened the circle of people that I told.  Sometimes I was praised for being courageous and other times I was treated with contempt or confusion.  One of the more memorable responses to my coming out was when my sister-in-law’s 60-year-old mother said, while we were cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “I’ve seen that on the Phil Donahue show, but never met one before.”

In 1991, my partner Rinda and I had a service of commitment in our Unitarian Universalist Church.  Most of our family members came, and as far as I was concerned I was out to the world. It was a done deal.

Little did I know that becoming a parent would force me to be out in whole new way.  It started at the birth in the hospital where I had to justify my relationship with my own child at every change of shift.  Some nurses were tickled pink to be working with an ‘alternative’ family.  But others were confused, offended, or outright hostile.  Looking back, I wonder how well I explained the situation–sleep deprived as I was.

At restaurants, waitresses would casually ask, “Who’s her mother?” Rinda and I would stare at each other, unprepared at first. Eventually we learned to say, “We both are. We’re a couple.”

“Who’s her real mother?” often came next.

“We both are. But Rinda’s her birth mom, if that’s what you’re really asking.”

By the time we had two kids, with the same donor but two different birth moms, the story of our how our family came to be was often more than we wanted to convey to a casual inquiry before ordering drinks. And yet, we wanted our children to hear us talk easily about our family structure and learn how to explain it themselves.  Their experience of having two moms was nearly invisible in popular culture.  We wanted to make it a source of pride, and not shame.

So I learned to say enough without saying too much.   And I learned to uncover what I was really being asked. And I learned when to give a ten-second explanation and when to have a longer conversation. And I learned to let our children take the lead as they grew older. And I learned to say the word ‘wife.’

I never expected to be a wife or have a wife, but now I am one and I have one.  It’s turned out to be the best thing ever, because that single word conveys so much, so clearly.  Without any further explanation, total strangers understand my relationship to Rinda. “Girlfriend,” “partner,” “life mate” require more sentences to be certain that I’m being understood.  But “wife” is completely clear.

The federal legal recognition that came last year brought more ease and clarity to my life than I had expected.  After all, we’d been married in our hearts and souls since 1991.  And our marriage was recognized in the state of California. What could a federal blessing of our marriage give us that we didn’t already have?

It turns out, a lot. Now that we were ‘out’ to the federal government, when we got a mortgage we knew how to hold title.  In the past we had long conversations with the title company; and all of us were just making a guess about the best way for us to hold title as a couple that was legally married in California, but not at the federal level.

We only have to fill out one joint federal tax return, which can be used for our state return.  For many years our accountant did a joint federal tax return so he could do a joint state return, and then he did an individual return for each of us.  We paid a lot of money for those extra returns.

When I fill out our Federal Financial Aid forms for college, I don’t have to leave out a parent.  In the past I felt like I was holding back information, but there was no way to represent our reality because federal tax returns (the basis for the form) did not recognize both parents.  I even called to make sure I was doing it right.  The woman on the phone was kind, but told me that the financial aid form simply did not include a way to represent the reality of our family.

Changing laws is important to creating the just, multicultural society the U.S. Constitution promises.  Changing hearts and minds is equally important in making that dream a reality.  As we make these changes, our coming out stories change as well.

I’m part of a Facebook group for queer moms.  Lately there has been a string of posts from women about their experiences with hospitals.  The common theme is that they start out ready to fight to have “our family” recognized in Utah, or a in Catholic hospital.  But instead they are met with respect, joy, and clarity about filling in birth certificates, NICU visitation privileges, or being called Mom.  Those stories bring tears to my eyes. Wow!  The pace of change of beautiful.  And yet the moral arc of the universe doesn’t easily bend toward justice.  There are always steps backwards:  see the new Jim Crow and North Carolina HB2.  We can’t let those who are afraid of widening the circle of love and justice decide the parameters of the conversation.

My favorite coming out moments are the ones that shine a light on my own prejudices.  The times I was met with love and respect from the very people I had been taught would hate me filled my heart with grace.  The military officer who told me that part of his duty was to stand with gay and lesbian service people who were being drummed out of the service because of their sexual orientation.  My 80-year-old, devoutly Catholic aunt who told me that God loves everyone and doesn’t make any mistakes.  The grandmother at my children’s elementary school, a Jehovah’s Witness, who apologized with tears in her eyes that her grandson had teased my daughter about having two moms.  Each of those encounters taught me to put away my assumptions and treat people as individuals.

The potential cost of coming out is rejection. But the cost of being hidden, of living in shame, is far greater.  And the opportunities that coming out affords are enormous. Coming out as a lesbian has given me the courage to come out as an artist, a writer, a Black Lives Matter activist, and a person of faith.  It’s allowed me to be more of my authentic self in so many ways, and hopefully gives others the courage to do the same.  And it’s given people permission to tell me their stories of spiritual and personal growth, connecting us across differences, but reminding us of our shared humanity.

How To Improve A Woman’s Chances Of Orgasm During Penetration

The female orgasm during penetrative sex is elusive for many, and nothing but a folk tale for others.

Sex Therapist Al Cooper states in Understanding the Female Orgasm that up to 75% of women cannot orgasm with regular penetrative sex alone. And sexologist Robert Birch has reported that 10 – 15 % of American women have never even experienced an orgasm, via penetration or otherwise!

This makes bringing a woman to orgasm a very tough job for guys!

For men, having an orgasm is easy. Simple, straightforward stimulation to the penis, and the VAST majority of guys are “off to the races” in just a few minutes.

Women require much more to have an orgasm… they require:

  • Clitoral stimulation

  • Comfort / completely at ease

  • Strong mental arousal

  • Stimulation of other erogenous zones in many cases

When everything combines correctly, a woman can have an orgasm. (Note: g-spot orgasms and cul-de-sac orgasms, are possible, but for sake of ease, I’ll just focusing on clitoral orgasms).

And with the way we were built as humans, both male and female, we don’t “match up” very well anatomically during sex, in order for a woman to have an orgasm. Many women have some distance between their clitoris and vaginal opening, so regular penetrative sex just doesn’t provide direct enough stimulation for them to get off.

And watching porn doesn’t make men any wiser, or more educated as to giving a woman an orgasm… a guy “banging” away at a woman, slapping at random parts.

So How Should We Penetrate To Give a Woman an Orgasm?

The clitoris is most important when it comes to a woman’s orgasm, so pressure must be put on the clitoris.

There are a few methods to accomplish this during regular intercourse.

The “Rough Rub”

This is the way to penetrate that I have experienced the most success with.

Ever see how a woman gets herself off when she’s on top? Rather than an in-and-out banging, it’s a rough, swift, back-and- forth rubbing of her clit on your pelvis… your penis is almost just an afterthought on the inside. And notice how she doesn’t even separate herself from your body.

Now try and replicate this motion when you are on top.

Rub your pelvis ROUGHLY and VERY QUICKLY into her clitoris (after you’ve eased into it, of course…). Don’t let the pressure up, and make sure you are doing as long of a rub as possible… not a short range. Speed, pressure and friction is important here.

When taking breaks, try a forceful push into the clit for a few seconds (another penetrative technique on its own)…

Throw in some extracurricular stimulation (playing with her erogenous zones), dirty talk (or sweet talk, if she prefers), and the VAST majority of women will be having an orgasm in no time.

The Coital Alignment Technique

With the Coital Alignment Technique, rather than penetrating in an in-and-out fashion, you penetrate in more of an up-and-down fashion, with the base or top of your penis (your least sensitive part) rubbing against her clitoris (her most sensitive part).

While my success with this technique has been a bit off and on, it does serve as a nice change up when performing the other techniques, and you never know… it may work perfectly for both you and her.

The Hot and Ready

Warming up a woman’s clitoris before penetration is your best bet, regardless of what technique you will be going for.

Oral or manual stimulation to her clitoris will make your job much quicker / easier when actual sexual intercourse begins.

Even the good old fashion “banging” form of penetration can work if you get the clitoris aroused enough before beginning.

Hopefully together we will be making bedrooms all over the world much happier places.

What Being A Stripper Taught Me About Consent

After hearing of the letter to Stanford swimmer Brock Turner, convicted of sexually assaulting a woman, I was conflicted.  Posts on Facebook and Twitter swamped my feed with tidbits of details… drunken girl, college party, dumpster, acclaimed athlete…

Then I began reading the commentary on what was being shared.  I was struck by the word consent over and over again.  I was shocked by the sentence that had been issued.  I couldn’t help but feel that we as a society had failed to protect the victim of this crime.  As someone who shares intimacy advice and speaks about safe and consensual sex, I was at a loss as to how to speak up for this woman.  We know that consent is necessary, we advocate for education that encourages our youth to guard themselves from potential harm.  But when our legal system doesn’t impose appropriate punishments for convicted criminals, what message are we truly sending?  I desperately needed to piece together my own reaction about what had happened, what was happening.  I saw that the letter had been read aloud publicly on CNN. I sought out the letter that Buzz Feed originally posted on Friday.  I wasn’t sure that I wanted to read it, but was compelled to seek it out and read it in it’s entirety.

As a former stripper, I am reminded of the stigma that surrounds women.  Whether we are conservative or provocative, we are “asking for it.”  If we are too opposed to the attention of men, we are at risk of being considered a “bitch,” and therefore, are “asking for it.”   If we are dressed too provocatively, drink too much, are too free with our bodies or our laughs and smiles, we are “asking for it.”  What isn’t being upheld by our judicial system is the blatantly obvious definition of “asking for it.”  Literally, using our words to ask for, or consent, to sex.

As a nude performer, I suggested sex on a daily basis.  I used my body to entice and tease men.  I used my smiles, laughs, actions, and body language to make men want me, want to have sex with me.  I never had sex with those men.  Those men never assumed I would have sex with them.  So why do we continue to question a person’s actions, clothing, or sexual interest when there is a case of rape or sexual assault.  If that mentality actually was applicable, then any stripper, sex worker, scantily clad club goer, sun bather, nudist, and dancer deserves to be assaulted. Why do we continually ask the victim if maybe they perhaps might have subliminally “asked” to be assaulted?  Why aren’t we asking the criminals what they heard as consent… period.

We are teaching consensual sex education.  We know drinking alcohol has an effect on our decision making abilities.  We know people make mistakes, and we know that there are consequences for our actions.  What we don’t seem to agree on, is what consent means.  Did you consent to “sex?”  What is sex?  Is it sex if it’s just a blow job?  Is it sex if it’s digital penetration?  Is it sex if there’s vaginal penetration with a penis?

These seem like silly questions.  (Of course it’s sex if there’s vaginal penetration with a penis!) Yet we don’t have these conversations in real life encounters.  When we hook up in bars and at parties we don’t discuss the details of what type of sex to which we are consenting.  That wouldn’t be sexy…. or would it?

Occasionally when a strip club patron ordered a lap dance, they’d asked what they’d get with it.  While I didn’t “like” hearing men ask those questions, I wasn’t personally offended.  I appreciated their honesty.   I knew right away that I wasn’t a good fit for them.  I would rather not waste my time dodging their groping hands and darting tongues for a $20 bill. They wanted a dancer that would let them touch their boobs, finger them, lick their gentials… and yes, those things do happen at strip clubs. But the undeniable appeal of that conversation is consent.  They verbally asked for permission, and it was either granted or not.  Men do understand this concept.  It’s proven over and over again in strip clubs all over the world.

While we may not be able to change the malicious intent or evil in the world, we can change how we talk about, and ask for sex.  We as women can be very specific about what we want, and don’t want from an intimate encounter.  We can tell someone what we want from them whether we are sober, or even intoxicated.  It takes practice.  It requires us to risk sounding prude, demanding, or like a “bitch.”  Men can use language to be clear about what they want from a hook-up.  They too can use their words to be specific about how they want to be with a woman.  It also takes practice and they too risk coming across as creepy, or too nice, or like a jerk.  But the more we all begin to use our words to be more clear about what sex is, and what specifically we are consenting to, the less we will be confused by what constitutes consent.  It will be very clear when someone says they want to make out with you, they aren’t saying yes to sex.  That if they are on board for a mutual masturbation session that they aren’t asking for vaginal penetration.  It won’t be confusing when you meet that girl at a party who is attracted to you, but is drunk and unconscious, that she is not consenting. There will be no question as to whether or not someone is committing a crime.  They will have “consented” or not. We can’t assume when someone doesn’t say “No,” that they are saying “Yes.”  Only “Yes” means “Yes.”

We are not just protecting ourselves from being a victim or being potentially wrongfully accused of assault.  We are protecting each other.  We must get better at being clear.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Talk about sex.  All kinds of sex.  Teach your children to talk about sex.  Teach them about consent.  Teach them that words equal consent.  Telling them to be specific is just as important as telling them to wear a condom.  Tell the person you meet at the bar what is on the menu should you go home with them.  Make sure the person you take home from the bar is giving verbal consent to what you’re offering.  It’s such an easy conversation over a twenty dollar bill in a strip club, why can’t it be just a simple over a cocktail.  Make it a regular part of your repertoire, teach it to others.  Together we can protect each other from the dangerous ambiguity of “consent.”