Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Kinkly’s Sex Blogging Superheroes 2017 Announced!

I love sex bloggers, and I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to call them superheroes since they bring vital, accurate information about sexuality to the Internet, a much needed antidote to the masses of misinformation out there. That’s why I decided to sponsor the Kinkly contest this year through my Loveology University®, where I certify people in love and sex.

The winners of Kinkly’s Sex Blogging Superheroes Contest 2017 were just announced today! And I’m so proud to share them with you. Part of the LU prizes include scholarships to my Love Coach, Master Sexpert and Relationship Expert programs, and a presence right here on! Meanwhile, here are the sparkling personalities you need to be following in 2017 and beyond! The winners are….

Overall Winner – Sunny Megatron

Sunny already sounds like a superhero with her mega-watt name, and she lives up to it with her treasure trove of sex education in many different categories, putting on sell-out workshops around the world. Here on, she’s written about kinky massage, BDSM for beginners, how to stage a BDSM scene and much more. She hosts the American Sex Podcast with Ken Melvoin-Berg and the Showtime television series Sex with Sunny Megatron. Her sunny personality (pun intended) shines through everything she does with a contagious enthusiasm for human sexuality. She makes people feel good about their desires and offers them a safe space to explore – never judging, always encouraging and educating. I think it’s a no-brainer to pick Sunny as Kinkly’s Overall Winner!

The Reader’s Choice Award

This year’s reader’s choice award goes to Ruby Ryder, a new face for me – and I love what I see. She’s a sex podcaster, sex educator, speaker, and author of a lot of juicy pegging erotica, which she publishes on her steamy blog at She also has a separate website for pegging education which tells you all about how and why to do it, addressing any fears or anatomical questions. I’m looking forward to meeting Ruby!

Top New Sex Blog of 2017

Oh’Gush is the Top New Sex Blog winner, and the founder Rose is all about female ejaculation! I have a whole course at LU about the G-spot, so I certainly believe this is a topic worthy of its own beautifully written blog! Rose’s ongoing personal squirting experience is impressive, and she encourages women to feel empowered by their ability. I look forward to the evolution of this blog – whether she’s investigating the latest G-spot research, or giving squirting tips, I think we’re all going to learn something!

Top Sex Toy Review Blog of 2017

I am not surprised that Oh Joy Sex Toy is the Top Sex Toy Review Blog of 2017 because it’s just so much fun! Whenever I see their new posts, I always click because their comic book graphic style is so cool and original. It makes you want to read. Then when you dive in, you realize that Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan also really know what they’re talking about. Not only do they offer cutting edge toy reviews, they’ve also got the sex education content to back it up. They update every Tuesday, and I highly recommend you check them out!

Top Erotica Blog of 2017

Well written erotica is so good at getting the juices flowing that I often suggest it to my clients to open up their sexuality if they’re feeling uninspired. Now I know I can send them to Ella Scandal, this year’s Top Erotica Blogger of 2017. The erotica section of her website has a wide variety of genres including Fetish, Orgy, Threesome, Dear Diary – and my personal favorite – Speed Reads! That’s where she gets right down to the ‘good part’ right away for those people who need a quickie with themselves. Based in the UK, she writes almost all the fiction herself (impressive!) and also reviews toys. Congratulations Ella!

Top Sex Blog For/By Men

Josh Robbins at has been named the Top Sex Blog For & By Men, and with good reason. He’s shining a light on living with HIV and spreading the word of sex education and activism around the world, doing Ted talks and contributing to many high profile publications around the world. He says he likes posts that are ‘a little spicy’ and cites MTVnews and Joel Osteen as his style mashup, and indeed when you go to his site, you definitely get an edu-taining experience with all the latest sex and activism news. Congrats Josh Robbins, an inspiring sex blogger on a mission to banish the stigma of living with HIV, among many other worthy and interesting topics.

Erika Jordan’s ‘Advice For Men’ – When Is The Right Time To ‘Kiss The Girl?’

Stay out of the dreaded friend zone by ‘reading’ your date and going in for a kiss at the perfect time! Watch and learn.

“Sexy Doesn’t Have An Expiration Date” at CatalystCon with Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce

I had the pleasure of speaking with my colleague and friend Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce recently about her success with clients in bringing out their inner “sexy.” Nancy is an inspiration to her students and clients, walking the talk in her own life as a dynamic sensual yoga teacher and exotic lifestyle retreat leader.
This video is a sneak peek into what she’ll be talking about at CatalystCon this September 16th, 2017 in her lecture, “Sexy Doesn’t Have An Expiration Date.”
She’s also speaking at Naughty in LA which takes place Sept 30-Oct 2, and again on the Naughty cruise Oct 3-7.

Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce is a Holistic Clinical Sexologist with a Doctoral Degree in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California.

She is also a Yoga Therapist with a Structural Yoga Therapy Certification, Mukunda Stiles, Pasadena, California. She teaches partner yoga and Sexycises to couples who want to enhance their intimacy and experience growth at a deeper level. As a Radio Talk Show Host for The Conscious Living Show, she brings awareness to all her passions. Follow all of Nancy’s events here!

Sexpert Interview With Dr. Pepper Schwartz

Recently I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Pepper Schwartz about her latest passion, the importance of giving your relationship an ‘annual wellness check-up.’ Dr. Schwartz is the author of over 25 books, some of them New York Times bestsellers you may have read, like The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples. She’s is the former president of SSSS, the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexualities, and her PhD in sociology truly enables her to relate her sexology work to the people it’s intended to help!

In this telephone video interview, Dr. Schwartz talks about how couples can connect in simple but vital ways, making sure they listen to each other and have their feelings heard and understood. Taking the time to listen to your partner about intimate concerns is something many couples put off endlessly, yet it’s often the only hurdle in the way of a fulfilling sex life.

She gives tips on how to keep up the physical bonds of affection by just holding hands again, being curious about each other, and adding something new to the mix.

As AARP’s love and relationship expert, Dr. Schwarz makes it her mission to write about sensitive topics like painful sexual intercourse. One of her recommendations is to use Replens a vaginal moisturizer that has no estrogen in it and has been scientifically proven to plump up severely atrophied tissue.

Pepper Schwartz has devoted her life to furthering the fields of intimacy and sexuality as an acclaimed author, researcher, and TV personality. To learn more about her prolific work check out her website at:

Pheromones Make You More Attractive, Social & Successful

Have you ever been drawn to someone whose smell was intoxicating and you just couldn’t stop thinking about them? That’s called chemical attraction, and is caused by our natural pheromones that are secreted from our glands, which send signals to trigger specific mating responses in our brain. They are sensed by an organ in the nasal passage known as VMO, then send messages to the brain to interpret signals that can include fertility, confidence, sexual attraction, trustworthiness and even success or power. Consequently, pheromones can produce overwhelming attraction, even when the physical attributes are lacking.

Studies have shown that pheromones can help others to see you as more open, attractive, charismatic, and easy to talk to. They can facilitate conversations, interest and create enhanced friendly feelings. For best results, apply just below the neckline and wrists where you have your sweat glands. For a variety of products infused with pheromones such as candles, fragrances and sunscreen, go to here.

Our natural gender specific pheromones include Androstenone associated with alpha male sexual tension, Androstenedione, a chemical found in sweat, Androstenol, the female pheromone associated with romantic interest and Copulines, the female pheromone released during ovulation that has been shown to increase male testosterone.

Pheromones are emitted from our sweat glands, pulse points and anywhere that we have hair, so you can release attraction-boosting signals by going commando, not showering right after exercising and by not wearing deodorant or fragrances that will mask your natural scent. I’m not suggesting that you don’t maintain good hygiene, but bathing with warm water while cutting down on soap will wash off fewer of your body’s pheromones. You can also enhance your pheromones by eating foods high in zinc such as oysters and other fresh seafood aphrodisiacs known to increase testosterone in men and women.

Independent studies have been conducted at leading universities worldwide, such as Stanford University, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of Chicago and the Karolinska Institute, one of Sweden’s oldest medical schools have shown that pheromones do have a profound effect on human behavior.

Sexycises Makes Its Debut at Sexual Health Expo LA 2017

The Sexual Health Expo (SHE) 2017 took place this past weekend February 4th & 5th at the California Market Center in downtown Los Angeles with a slate of juicy seminars including my new Sexycises by Sexperts, featuring my protege’s Dr. Cat Meyer, Miyoko and Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce with Symon Murray.

I introduced Cat and Miyoko who demonstrated how to perform a partner forward fold and backbend pose cultivating mindfulness, playfulness and greater body awareness. Then we brought up volunteers from the audience to join in and try the poses themselves.

Here above left, the partners from the audience are demonstrating steeple pose and to the right, Miyoko instructs Dr. Nancy and her partner Symon Murray on how to do the Folded Leaf pose, which ended in a sensual kiss.

I shared a booth with my friend and colleague Dr. Nancy Sutton Pierce, who was promoting not only her Conscious Living seminars, but also her popular Exotic Lifestyle Retreats. Her seminar at SHE, Women’s Health Concerns About Sexuality, tied in all her areas of expertise including sexology and nursing.

Here is Nancy on the left, with her yoga partner Symon Murray who filmed a sex myth for us about squirting!

On the right is my lovely and talented friend Christina Engelhardt who is also featured in Sexycises by Sexperts, and busted a myth for us about falling in love with different genders. Christina is a Certified Love Coach and Intuitive, astrologer and tarot card reader. Speaking of intuitives, also in attendance was Susanna Brisk, who gave a fascinating seminar called “How Sexually Intuitive Are You?”

Sex educator Elle Chase gave an empowering seminar called Curvy Girl Sex, all about body positive positions and sex accessories that work for every body shape and size! Dr. Hernando Chaves‘s seminar was called “Embodied Sexuality for Men” where he encouraged the audience to look at sexuality as a dynamic and evolving experience that starts with the curiosity to discover new ways to find sensation and satisfaction.

Bunny Lampert so graciously honored me with my very own golden Sybian – the Lamborghini of sex toys! I’m very excited to try out this ‘saddle’ sex toy and she gave me three separate attachments to use with it. This luxury toy is very beneficial for women who don’t have a partner, or menopausal women who want to take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure and orgasm independently. I’m hoping it will end up on Oprah’s list of ‘Favorite Things’! Look for a review of this ‘world’s most powerful vibrator’ coming soon here on Sexpert in the toy section.


Jessica Drake had a packed crowd for her Wicked Guide to Blowjobs, and she won Sexpert of the Year 2016. She is writer, director, producer and host of instructional videos for Wicked Pictures that combine education and erotic demonstrations on topics that range from Female Masturbation to BDSM for Beginners. She’s one of adult film’s most celebrated actresses and travels the world speaking about progressive sexual education.

Psalm Isadora spoke about Taking Care of Your Own Pleasure & Self-Care, teaching her audience some Orgasmic Yoga breathing techniques that were highly entertaining to listen to in a big room full of people. It was a fun talk where she incorporated her many types of expertise into one empowering message and I got to interview her for


I was honored to give legendary Dr. Ruth Westheimer her Sexual Health Expo Lifetime Achievement award.

Dr. Ruth’s seminar was called “Sexual Literacy” where she talked about online dating, consensual sex, sexual pleasure, sexual health, orgasm and more. Dan Harary, the publicist for the SHE Expo read questions from anonymous people which was definitely a highlight, with emcee Reid Mihalko pantomiming pegging and the Sybian to enhance Dr. Ruth’s answers.

Dr. Ruth has always been my inspiration, as we were both born in Eastern Europe, we were both raised in an orphanage, and we both came to America dreaming of a new life, where we found our passion, helping people with their love lives. Her crowd was standing room only.



Here are Gordon Lake and Erika Jordan, our fabulous cast and crew for the event. They covered the trade floor getting the scoop on all the latest sex toys and products, and filmed many sex mythbusters by sexperts which will be featured here on soon.




Dr. Cat Meyer, myself, Symon Murray, Dr. Nancy Sutton-Pierce and Miyoko at our booth.


Loveology University Marks Its 10th Anniversary

Dr. Ava Cadell is celebrating the 10-year anniversary of her Loveology University® with a new website, a curriculum transformation, and a 25 percent discount for all new students who enroll in her online school before Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14.

Loveology University® is an internationally recognized online institute that has graduated hundreds of certified Loveologists®, many of whom have become successful love coaches in private practice, as well as authors, speakers, media sexperts and pleasure party consultants, based around the world.

The new and improved learning platform includes an expanded and enhanced curriculum for all three signature programs: Certified Loveologist® and Love Coach; Master Sexpert; and Intimacy Bootcamp.

Each state-of-the-art, online program hosts a multi-level learning experience with narrated multimedia presentations, live audience training videos with top sexperts, erotic instructional how-to videos, and exclusive reading material combining sex education with entertainment.

Loveology University® can boost the offerings of life coaches, health coaches, dating coaches, yoga instructors and practitioners in health and wellness. Students can study at their own pace, tracking their progress as they go, and become experts in topics ranging from love and intimacy to aphrodisiacs and erotic massage.

“My mission is to teach people how to give and receive love without guilt or shame through love coaching training, and I’m so proud of all my graduates,” says LU founder Dr. Ava Cadell. “Together we can change the vibration of the planet and make it a more loving and sexier place.”

To commemorate the 10-year anniversary of Loveology University®, Dr. Ava is offering a 25 percent discount on all programs to new students who sign up before Feb. 14 — a savings of more than $600 off the regular price of the Love Coach Program.

New students will get instant access to the entire learning platform, and can begin their Loveology certification immediately. As a bonus, graduates will also receive the LU Entrepreneur Kit, full of tips on how to start a private practice, become a global speaker and more.

Sexycises Retreat In Thailand

I’ve just returned from an energizing trip to Thailand, where I was hosting a retreat on women’s feminine healing and sensual wellness along with therapist and acro-yoga expert Dr. Cat Meyer.

Cat and I incorporated my new Sexycises concept into a series of interactive seminars like Sensual Yoga, Tantra Theory, Chakra Balance, Reiki & Sensual Massage, Breathing, How To Do A Striptease, Self-Love and Empowerment and Role-Play!

The first and only day I took time to walk on the beautiful white, sandy Pattaya beach and meditate in this unusual day bed.

At 8am every morning, Dr. Cat gave a yoga class, which became more and more sensual each day. It was inspiring to watch these conservative ladies release their inhibitions and become more empowered physically, emotionally and sexually.

In the Chakra Balance seminar, there were many exercises to open all of the chakras, and this one is demonstrating the Root Chakra through partner Sexycises. On screen you can see Marriage & Family Therapist Kayna Cassard and her partner Dominick.

Dr. Cat is a certified Reiki practitioner, and in this picture she is demonstrating how to scan the body to discover places that may need healing. She shared 12 hand positions that can be used for general balancing of the energy for self-healing.

Here I’m demonstrating how to give a sensual massage. I encouraged all the ladies to help me using many different styles and methods including their breath, hair, nails and hands. When it came to demonstrating how to massage his penis, since this was a PG rated class, I lifted up his arm and said, ‘Imagine this is his penis,’ and showed them how to perform Making the Fire, the Corkscrew and the Hundred Yoni techniques, for a happy ending massage.

Dr. Cat is demonstrating her Acro-yoga expertise with YuNa, who is the leader of the Dr. Eros Retreats. Acro-yoga teaches trust, communication and how to be intimate with a partner through a playful experience. Partners are called The Base -person on the bottom – and The Flyer – person on top. This was the first time the women had seen any Acro-yoga demonstrated and they were blown away!

Dr. Cat and I had so much fun dressing up with the ladies and teaching the benefits of role-playing such as reducing pressure to perform, spicing up a routine sex life, getting out of character, tapping into your creative energy and making sex more playful and fun!

They brought their own costumes like this sexy school girl, a dominant policewoman and dominatrix, a frisky kitty and a naughty bunny! The final role-play exercise was Dr. Cat showing the women how to take on the persona of a striptease artist and remove laters of clothing seductively down to their lingerie!

Interview With Sitara Devi, Modern Courtesan

New York based East Indian courtesan, Sitara Devi, is candid in her description of why men pay $1,500 for a brief encounter with her. She says that while men do value looks, a woman has to offer more than that to win over the VIP clientele she entertains. She is spiritually and intellectually elevated. She’s well-spoken with a magnetic energy and a charitable heart.

With long chocolate locks, smooth dark beige skin, a luscious derriere that is most en vogue, and a body limber from Yoga classes, she would easily fulfill the fantasy of any man or couple who has a curiosity about the charms of a Bollywood beauty or Hindu love goddess. She considers this an untapped market that is growing right along with the visibility of Indian women in media and in the workplace.

“A lot of my clients are non-indian men that have a budding desire in them because they don’t have access to her (Indian women) but the lust for her has been building in them.”

In my interview with the erotic, multicultural companion and sacred sexuality guide, Sitara told her unique story of going against the societal grain to follow her true life calling in erotic servitude to those seeking a deep, meaningful, soul connection in their intimate encounters.

There are “guidelines” for Indian women, she says. “You become a doctor, you meet a suitable Indian guy, you have kids…”. Although she did follow social norms to the extent  of receiving a Master’s degree and a notable professional résumé, she discovered that the freedom to exercise her true life calling was far more rewarding than following the traditional “blueprint” that was expected of her as an Indian woman.

“Indian woman are raised with the ‘good Indian girl’ stereotype. It’s a total lie. There’s a lot of pressure in my culture for women to be a certain way. I’ve met a lot of Indian women who are not happy having followed that or don’t have the same class and grace and well-roundedness that I have because of all the different paths that my life has taken.”

Sitara feels liberated by her unusual path. Not only is she confident about breaking free of the pressures of society to do certain things or play a certain role, she is passionate about providing clients with a safe space to do the same. “For me, sexuality is sacred. When two people strip away all the roles they have to play and let go of the heavy societal conditioning that they hold, they can have access to something in that moment that connects them to Divine Source, that takes them to a higher experience orgasmically.”

To her, eroticism is godliness, and she feels that most people are too trapped in their everyday pressures to truly let go and experience the sexual bliss they deserve, which is why it’s paramount to her to help people tap into a more relaxed physical state and higher spiritual frequency during their sessions. “Men on our planet are so hungry for emotional intimacy where they get to lay down all the shields that they’re holding. They don’t have to be masculine. They can allow themselves to relax and just be themselves. Conscious touch, not robotic, is something that men are missing.”

Sitara considers herself a lifestyle coach as well, and client’s often request her guidance to be able to call upon this spiritual source of pleasure even when they aren’t with her. She speaks about her work with clients of various backgrounds and physical abilities with pride because she enjoys helping people who face challenges like social anxiety, deep psychological blocks, or serious physical limitations. She insists that her profession makes her feels closer to her ancient roots, which she explains are heavily tied to sexuality.

“Hindu mythology is full of stories where the woman is both strong and feminine. She is both soft and a heroine at the same time. She is goddess and warrior.” In one famous story, Draupadi, an important female character in the Mahabharata (a Hindu epic) was married to five men. Sitara compares herself to this ancient princess. “I am a big believer that no one person can fulfill all our needs. I feel very lucky that I have the ability to have different men in my life which help serve different needs and I serve one need in their life.”

As a practitioner and teacher of tantric philosophy, Sitara believes her career as a pleasure provider is ideal for her. She feels “aligned with the goddess archetype” and thoroughly enjoys focusing her efforts on providing clients with an escape into a heightened sense of connection and fulfillment. It is important for her to continuously better herself as a sacred sexuality guide by taking classes and workshops where they’re available to her and what she takes away, she incorporates in private time with her clients.

“I have taken ample classes by different well-known instructors in the world of sacred sexuality, tantra, mind body souls, healing.” When telling me how yoga carries over to her work, she explained that the “fundamentals of yoga is about breath, it’s about awareness, it’s about presence, it’s about being in the moment. We [usually] engage with sexuality in a very hard and fast way but I prefer long, extended dates because I really enjoy men dropping all elements on what they have on the outside.” For her, yoga is among other philosophies that she believes enhance intimate experiences, but of course, it has other benefits. “I can do some pretty fun things with it in the bedroom.”

And what about those other women in her clients’ lives? Does she have any thoughts about them or resentment towards her married clients for coming to see her privately? She thinks nothing negative about her work, her clients or the other women at all. “I feel like I am an outlet where a man can release a lot of his tension so that when he goes home to his wife, he feels more relaxed and there’s less drain on their marriage. I give her man a sense of freedom so that she has a lighter load when he goes back home to her. I’m a sort of peacekeeper.”

Her positive approach towards life and her erotic services shine through in every statement she makes. Time with her is what she describes as experiential and her ability to provide a unique and spiritually elevating way for her clients is her deepest joy. She is not someone who is bound to “the conditioning of the 21st century girl” or focused only on the exterior. She is a woman who is in the fortunate position of being truly in touch with the “life force”, which she explains is our radiance, energy and vitality – all coming from our sexuality, and she holds that sacred. “I see it as a gift.”


9 Reasons Why Abstinence Messages Fail

Over the past few decades, the federal government has sunk millions of taxpayer dollars into abstinence programs and interventions which have yet to be proven effective.  Stopping teen pregnancy, the spread of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases among youth takes much more than a pledge, purity ring or a bogus abstinence message that only focuses on delaying sex until marriage.

Now don’t get me wrong, abstinence works well if you use it! But reality and statistics show that kids just don’t. It’s time to get real about abstinence messages and explore the reasons why they continue to fail our children.

Sex is Natural

Teenage hormones are real. When human beings discover the joy of sex and orgasm, it’s a impossible to stop that desire in its tracks and reverse the pursuit of pleasure. In fact, as young sexual beings, the pursuit of pleasure supersedes our rational mind, and the desire to orgasm clouds our common sense! We are sexual beings from the time we are born until we die. The desire to explore our sexuality is as natural as the desire to eat or sleep. These desires are embedded deep within our subconscious and begin much earlier in life than puberty. Curiosity surrounding sexuality is a natural part of development beginning with the exploration of the body. Teaching abstinence is like asking someone to stop eating or sleeping.

Peer Pressure is Real

Peer pressure is a hallmark of the adolescent experience. The desire to fit in during teen years can be overwhelming! No matter how influential you and other trusted adults are in children’s lives, their friends’ thoughts and opinions will weigh heavily on their decision making, including the decision to have sex. According to research conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation, the majority of children in the U.S. ages 13-18 reported that they get a lot of their information about sexuality from their peers. The report also found that one of the biggest reasons that they engage in sexual activity is because they believe that their peers are also having sex. No amount of saying “just don’t” is going to convince them that shouldn’t keep up with their peers.

The Media Sells Sex

The media perpetuates specific social scripts and conceptual frameworks about sexuality. Television, magazines, movies, and music continue to shape thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about how men and women should behave sexually, promoting the “player” status for men, and “using what you’ve got to get what you want” for women. The Real Housewives, Love & Hip Hop, The Bachelorette – just to use a few examples – are all filled with the same old narrative featuring unhealthy relationships, lack of meaningful friendships, low self-esteem, and overt sexuality as a tool or a weapon. There are very few healthy sexual dynamics presented in the media for teens to look up to and admire, and shows aimed at kids are so chaste and abstinence-assuming, that issues surrounding sexual peer pressure are avoided like the plague.

Social Media Has Opened Pandora’s Box!

Children have a natural curiosity when it comes to sexuality. Google, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and all the other social media sites have increasingly become the primary source of sex education and information. Children are turning to the internet instead of parents or trusted adults, to answer their questions about sexuality. Unfortunately, the accuracy and reliability of the internet is, at best, questionable. Searching for sex education websites online can result in inaccurate information, and at worst, redirects to pornography which is massively inappropriate as a sex education tool, showing no emotional context or basis for intercourse.

The Church Sends Mixed Messages

Most churches preach one thing: refrain from sex until marriage. But churchgoers are human and you can bet that pretty much everyone in the congregation is engaging in some form of “sinful” sexual activity. There is also often a focus on female shame, where pregnant young women need to admit their her sins of fornication before the church, while the male partner does not, sending the message that only women bear the burden of sexual ‘sin’. It’s long established that religious guilt-tripping and sin shaming isn’t very helpful. It teaches children to lie, hide and be ashamed of their own sexuality, a silence that puts children at risk. When we silence them for speaking about sexuality beyond abstinence, we miss an opportunity to save their lives, or improve them.

Fear-Laden Messages Don’t Work!

Showing pictures of sexually transmitted infections or telling children that they’ll go blind if they have sex are fear-based tactics that have adverse effects. Categorizing sex as dirty and nasty, or something only bad people do, sends the message that embracing your sexuality is wrong. Not only that, it teaches intolerance for sexual diversity among the beautiful spectrum of sexuality. As a result, kids carry these unhealthy messages into adulthood and they play out in the form of unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, depression, domestic violence, substance abuse and so much more! In addition, because the teen brain is less developed than an adult’s, they lack the biological mechanism to properly determine the possible negative outcomes of a certain action. So often times they live with a false sense of security and take risks because “it’s not going to happen to me,” or “I’m invincible.”

Do as I say and not as I do

The unspoken messages from adults regarding sexuality are oftentimes more powerful than their spoken messages in shaping children’s perception of sexuality. The behaviors adults model to children can have a significant impact on the choices they make, how they view things and even how they behave or not behave. Parents, it’s time to lead by example! If you want to send the message of abstinence, then perhaps you need to do the same? Or if you want to send a message of healthy safer sex with emotional attachment, practice that! Or if you want to sleep around, but don’t want that for your teenage daughter, you need to have that discussion too.

Penis Play Equals Notches!

Boys are socialized from a very early age  to embrace their penis. They are encouraged to sow their oats and have as much sex as one man can have. This message has been passed down as if it’s a rite of passage. Society supports a very unhealthy and sometimes misogynistic view of women, relationships and sexuality, as the recent ‘locker room banter’ political discussion has proven. All these things combined create an unhealthy framework of male sexuality that promotes promiscuity, shuns abstinence, and misses out on important discussions about relationship building and intimacy.

Keep Your Panties up!

This antiquated adage gets an epic fail. How can boys be promiscuous while girls are abstinent? It doesn’t make sense, and it contributes to shame and dangerous secrecy. Back in the day, it created confusion and resentment from kids who grew up to find that their “big sister” was really their mother and other complicated scenarios arising from lies, and currently it’s wreaking havoc on young women all over the country, resulting in damaged wombs or infections from back alley abortions, and of course deep emotional scarring.

So, You Want an Abstinence Message That Works?

We need to rethink, reframe and replace the current abstinence message with one that offers an integrated approach. It must be developmentally appropriate, medically accurate, gender considerate, culturally competent. The message must be clear, concise and consistent and teach knowledge, tools and skills. In addition, effective abstinence programs must including the following:

  • Teaching what it truly means to abstain, including abstain from substances
  • Teaching how to choose abstinence – even after being sexual
  • Teaching that the body is a temple that needs to be protected
  • Identifying sexual triggers
  • Understanding peer pressure and establishing healthy friendship
  • Setting personal boundaries
  • Defining the characteristics of a healthy relationship
  • Teaching about informed consent
  • Teaching communication skills
  • Teaching critical thinking skills
  • Teaching decision making skills
  • Teaching negotiation and conflict resolution skills
  • Identifying how morals, values and beliefs influence sexuality

Discussing the mental, emotional, social, spiritual, physical, biochemical, energetical, political, institutional, legal, systemic and financial consequences of sexuality

Finally, parents and other trusted adults who have chosen the abstinence talk must continue the abstinence talk.  It is not a one-time discussion. The abstinence talk is an ongoing evolving discussion that changes with the needs of the child.

It can be scary to talk to your teen about sex. However, we live in a world where not teaching your child about sexuality can be even more frightening! We must acknowledge that an abstinence-only message is not working. We have to create a message that prepares them for life by acknowledging the truth that children are indeed having sex!