What are the top 3 things couples fight about? Judith Wright and Bob Wright, couple’s counselors and authors of the new book The Heart Of The Fight, A Couple’s Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer, have it figured out. The top three issues are 1.) “blaming each other” for stuff going wrong,” 2.) “domestic disputes” over the other person’ annoying habits around the house, (making them seem like an a-hole roommate rather than your spouse,) and 3.) fighting over money.
- Who is to Blame: The Blame Game
Here the fight is over who is at fault “for a lousy vacation, a crummy restaurant choice, an obnoxious visitor overstaying their welcome, or the argument itself,” they say. “Getting caught in the Blame Game often results in endless loops of dissatisfaction with no real change,” as couples end up resenting and staying mad at each other over something that is kind of stupid.
- Domestic Disputes: Up and Down Toilet Seats, Household Chores…
Another common fight is “Petty squabbles such as disagreements about chores, toilet seats, and a range of domestic disputes from who’s washing the dishes, picking up the kids, making dinner, and doing the laundry to arguing over how chores should be done. These are often fights over the distribution of duties or demeaning each other’s domestic contributions.” In other words, whoever is the bigger slob or lazy ass has no idea that the other person is sort of low-grade mad at them — for fairly petty things that are negotiable and solvable.
- Dueling Over Dollars
This is super common, they say. “Financial feuds—about making money, spending it, using it the way you want, and managing it are volatile topics for many couples. These fights range from “We can’t afford that.” to “You’re such a cheapskate.” Or, it may begin innocently enough, with one person saying “Why don’t you ask for a raise?” But concern can easily turn into anger when one person says to the other something like “You’re just not motivated to get ahead and make something of yourself.” Or even worse, “When are you going to a get a real job?” Ouch. A penis shrinker.
But the good news is that there are ways–or things to tell each other, they say, they that will help you make up.
“Acknowledge the truth:” “Whatever the argument, acknowledge the truth in what the other person is saying. In the middle of a fight, saying something like, “Yeah, but..” does not work, they say. “Try being quiet after you acknowledge what is true,” they advise and say something like “Yes, I agree that I didn’t do what you asked me to.” This one is hard for people to admit, and most people don’t want to submit and admit. Just acknowledging the truth of the situation could help solve the issue and help to do change it.
“Take 100% Responsibility for your own satisfaction:” “Too often, we are expecting the other person to read our mind or know what we need or really want,” they say. Instead, tell them directly what you want and need, not in a blaming kind of way. Identify what you want and say it straight rather than punishing them for not satisfying you.” Men especially don’t take hints well or read women’s minds. Tell your love what you want instead of just getting mad because you’re not getting what you want! Otherwise, he/she may never know!
“Fight for, not against: “Too often we keep arguing just to win the fight, not because we are going for anything,” they note. “Instead, stop and ask yourself what you are fighting for (rather than just resisting their point of view). Complaining is fighting against something, but when you can find and express what you really yearn and hope for, that will help take you where you want to go,” say the couple, who have been counseling couples for 30 years. Stop fighting, start kissing, and go make up.
The couple’s new book is now available on Amazon.