Monday, April 24, 2017
Authors Posts by The Frisky Fairy

The Frisky Fairy

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Rebecca Hiles is a dating, relationships, and sexual wellness coach called The Frisky Fairy. She is a writer who addresses issues of sex education, sex toys, polyamory, and cancer. She is a regular contributor to Sexpert.com, and has contributed to xoJane.com discussing her life as a polyamorous cancer patient, among other things. She is a member of the Poly Leadership Network, and is certified as a sex educator through Planned Parenthood League of Massachusetts. She regularly speaks at conferences around the country, and was voted one of the Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2014. She is currently a student of Dr. Ava Cadell’s Loveology University.

How To Talk About Sex Before You Have It

So you’ve found an awesome partner (or partners), and you want to have sex with them, but you don’t know where to start. Maybe this is the first time you’ve ever had sex, or the first time you’ve had sex with your partner(s). Maybe this is a casual encounter, or maybe you have concerns about STIs and protection. If you’re not quite sure how to talk about sex with your partner(s) before you have sex, this entire conversation can be a source of stress and anxiety.

The ideal sex talk can be broken down into two parts. The safer sex portion, which covers your basics on how you and your partner(s) protect yourselves, and also how you intend to move forward when having safer, more risk aware sex. The second part though is the part of the talk where you discuss what you like and dislike in bed. Both are very important to bring up before you have sex, and both can be very awkward. I am here to break down the two parts!

How to talk about sex 1

Part I- The Safer Sex Talk:

Reid Mihalko uses an “Elevator Speech” when it comes to having a talk with someone about their STI status that I highly recommend. Practice it in front of a mirror, or with a friend over and over until you know what you’re going to say. It may seem awkward at first, but it’s surprisingly useful. This speech also covers talking about what you like and dislike in bed!

If you have an STI, talking to your partner(s) can be an even bigger source of stress, but it’s just as important to have these discussions. Ashley Manta of Sex Ed with Ashley Manta prefers a more straightforward approach. Let your partner(s) know what STI you have, your STI treatment plan, and asking them what questions they have about their transmission risks.

If your partner(s) tells you that they have an STI, be kind, and know your limits. It’s completely acceptable to turn someone down if you are unable to be with a partner(s) with an STI, but be kind about it. Many people who have STIs already feel high levels of shame about sex and their bodies, there’s no reason to make anyone feel worse. A simple “Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your honesty. Unfortunately, I am not comfortable having a sexual partner(s) with an STI” will suffice. Make sure that you’re honest about your expectations, and what you are able to handle.

Talk to your partner(s) about their STI status, and be prepared to share yours. If you prefer to wait to have sex with a partner(s) until you have a hard copy of their most recent STI test in hand, be prepared to let them know that, and also have a copy of yours ready to go! Make sure that before you start having sex with anyone, that you think of the ways you want to protect yourself. Do you want gloves for digital stimulation? How about finger cots, Do you need a specific type of condom? Make sure you know what forms of protection you want to have with you, and then make sure you supply your own! It’s great when a partner(s) brings the safer sex supplies, but it’s always best to have the supplies you use and want, just in case they don’t.

Part II- The Sexier Sex Talk

This is the easier part! Simply be honest with your partner(s) about what you like. If you know you don’t like being on top, let them know that ahead of time. I like to try and anticipate things I might experience with a partner(s) in that specific circumstance. For instance, my casual sex partner(s) might need to know that I like having my nipples played with gently, but probably doesn’t need to know that I enjoy being flogged.

How to talk about sex 2

Be specific and direct, and let your partner(s) know how you react to things you don’t like in bed. Are you the type of person who, when your partner(s) is doing something you don’t enjoy, will be vocal about telling them you’d prefer something different? Tell them. Do you physically correct your partner(s) by moving their hands or body into a different direction? Tell them. Make sure you talk to your partner(s) about your likes, dislikes, and habits before you have sex and ask about theirs! You can always change your mind while you’re in the moment, but talking about them before sex means that you have mutual knowledge of the things you enjoy. No one needs to be having bad sex when we can all just communicate!

Wild, Sexy Cancer for Lovers

*This is part two of a series by The Frisky Fairy – read Part One here.

When your partner is diagnosed with cancer, the effects can be felt through many relationships, and come in many different forms. While at first, the immediate concern is obviously for the health and safety of your partner, you may begin to notice some changes to your relationships, namely in the bedroom. Here are some tips on how to be the best partner you can be when you and your partner are dealing with cancer.

1. Practice self-care

This is arguably the most important tip on this list. It is very hard to be a good partner in any relationship when you are not taking care of yourself. In a relationship where you are taking care of both yourself, and also worrying heavily about health, safety, and overall well-being of a partner, sometimes the self-care gets left behind. Make sure you take time to yourself to care for yourself, whatever that means. Find a friend who you can talk to about your feelings and stress. If that includes a bubble bath, a long run every day, talking to a friend (remember, comfort in, dump out) or simply carving a few precious moments out to read a book, make sure you do it. It helps with the pressures of a partner who is ill, and it can make you feel good about yourself!

2. Experiment with toys, and other bedroom props

Because sex can sometimes be more complicated when dealing with incisions, catheters, tubes, and other medical equipment,there are a number of products that can help you to accommodate for these issues. Try using pillows, swings, or other furniture to help move your body into a position where you are less likely to be tangled up. For those experiencing sexual dysfunction, a number of things may help. You may consider trying sex toys, lubricants, or harnesses to simulate penetration. You may also want to consider different ways to have sex. Penetrative sex is not the only way to enjoy your sexuality! Explore your body with your partner(s), and try a number of new things. You may find that an added benefit of means your bodies are able to do something new which leads to pleasure and relaxation.

3. Remember that your partner is still your partner, they just happen to have cancer.

If your partner enjoyed bondage, anal play, rough sex, or anything else prior to their diagnosis, don’t make the assumption that they’re going to stop wanting that. Talk to your partner. Find out what they want or don’t want. Treat them the same as you did prior to their diagnosis. It can be very disconcerting to feel as though your partner must treat you a certain way because you have an illness that you cannot control. Be sure if you are engaging in rougher play that you check in with your partner regularly to ensure their safety and comfort.

4. Let go of your expectations.

It is hard to truly know how someone is going to react when they learn they have cancer. Some people want to channel their energy into healing themselves. Some want to channel their energy into making their relationships very strong. Find out how your partner reacts. They might spend a lot of time wanting and enjoying being physical with you, and exploring their body through this journey. They may want to spend time being intimate with you, though not necessarily physical. Let go of your expectations of what your sex life should, or did look like prior to their diagnosis. Allow you and your partner to find the best design for your personal sex life, whatever the frequency or intensity!

5. Really, truly communicate with your partner about their sexual wants and needs.

Cancer can really do a number on your self-esteem and emotional health, whether you are a patient or a partner of a person with cancer. Communicate with your partner consistently. If their body is unable to respond physically, but they truly want to have sex, let them know that it’s not their fault, and you understand that it’s not your fault. When a person is spending their days dealing with doctors and medications and feeling that their body has betrayed them, it can be hard to feel sexy or worth wanting. Find out how your partner is feeling, and talk to them about what they need to continue feeling that their sexual wants and needs are met. Don’t be afraid to share the sexual wants and needs you may have as well. If they are unable to meet your needs, or you are unable to meet theirs, look into other options for expressing your sexualities!

While it may be hard, there is no reason that those who have cancer cannot have healthy, happy, and fulfilling sex lives! Being a partner to someone with cancer doesn’t always mean giving up your sex life, or having gentle sex (if you don’t want to). In fact, having sex can keep your spirits up, and help reduce anxiety and depression that can often accompany a cancer diagnosis. Talk to your partner, take care of yourself, and have all the great sex you want!

*This is part two of a series by The Frisky Fairy – read Part One here.

Geeky Games for Sexy Nights: Role-Playing Done Right!

With Halloween just around the corner, now is the time people start thinking about the sexiest ways to bring something fun to your bedroom. When it comes to your role-playing, whether you’re a Friday night lover, or a Saturday gamer, take some Do’s and Don’ts from the geek community and be prepared to role-play like you never have before!

Do brainstorm with your partner(s).

Find out what makes your partner tick! Do they have a particular character they would love to have in the bedroom? Does the idea of a sexy role-play scenario make them tremble? Brainstorm some props, roles, and costumes you want to try, and make yourself a shopping list! Be sure to also talk about the things that you don’t want to try, and make sure that you are letting your partner know if something is off limits. For some suggestions, check out this fantasy Halloween post!

Don’t let yourself get stuck into one role!

Many times, people who enjoy role-playing, can get stuck in a specific role. The beauty of fantasies, is that they become an excellent way to try new things, and to encourage a switching of roles. So feel free to try experimenting with your roles. Perhaps you are typically equal with your partner(s), maybe you can experiment with a little soft dominance and submission. Make sure you do your research with books like BDSM 101! If you like, you can even try playing with gender roles and exploring things that are out of the norm for you. Role-playing can be an excellent time to start toying with the idea of pegging, or acting out fantasies!

Do play around with costumes, props, and toys.

If you’re playing a naughty housekeeper, dress the part with a feather duster. If you have one that is clean, you can even use it to tickle your partner(s). Are you playing a sexy cowhand?  get a little bit of rope to lasso your partner(s) in. You can even use that rope later to practice your bondage skills! Don’t be afraid to role-play with costume pieces you didn’t think of! Clark Kent’s tie can easily become a blindfold when he’s Superman. You can absolutely make use of old costumes, new costumes, and even your own closet for role play!

Don’t allow your body type or gender to decide what you role-play.

If you’re feeling sexy in what you’re wearing, or you are enjoying your fantasies and role-play with your partner(s) don’t allow your body to get in the way of that! If you want to be a male bodied Wonder Woman, do it! Feel free to rock that Lara Croft costume regardless of your body type. The best thing about role playing is that it doesn’t have to be for anyone else but you. You can enjoy the fantasies, the acting, and the scenarios without needing approval from anyone. So go ahead and pick up that pirate hat, and enjoy yourself!

Do act out your favorite fantasies!

Role-playing is an excellent way to try out new things without a lot of commitment. Are you feeling a bit more submissive, and want your partner to take the reins? Ask them! If you want to role-play that you’re a naughty school student, and your partner is a teacher, don’t be afraid to enjoy it. Between consenting adults, the taboo can include extraordinary pleasure. It is important though to respect your partner’s boundaries of comfort, and don’t push them into trying something that makes them feel uncomfortable!

Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do.

Just because you have a specific fantasy doesn’t mean you want to act it out, and that is okay! It’s okay to have boundaries regarding what you’re willing to or not willing to do. It’s also okay to allow those boundaries to change. Sexuality is fluid and flexible, and allows for change and growth. If you were okay with something and then change your mind, that is absolutely allowed. Making sure you check in with your partner regularly to ensure that they are also enjoying themselves is important too. I recommend trying a Yes/No/Maybe list with your partner to outline things that you like, dislike, and want to try! Check out this Yes/No/Maybe list for some ideas!

Do get into the mindset

If getting into a dominant character for your means painting your nails black and layering on the dark eyeliner, do it. If in order to really role-play a character you need to act like that character all day, give it a shot! There’s no script to follow in erotic role-playing, and no one to tell you that you’re doing it wrong. You get to decide how your role-play scenes go and what makes you feel good when playing them! Make sure you are in the right space for a role-play, and if you’re not feeling it that night, let your partner know that you’d rather try something else.

Don’t be afraid to go all out.

If you fantasize about giving a sexy massage with a happy ending? Pick up some of your favorite massage oil (may I recommend Southern Butter) and set up your room. Making the bed, setting out towels for your partner to lay on, and playing relaxing music. Really make sure to set the mood for your scene. If you’re Role-playing an office assistant and an employer, clean up your desk, and make sure you dress the part!

Whatever you’re doing, whether you’re role-playing a character, a part, a role, or simply dressing up in a costume, give it your all. Try to explore new things, but at the end of the day, make sure you don’t get so wrapped up in the role-play that you forget to have fun!

Wild, Sexy Cancer

There are many myths out there surrounding people with cancer. Some of them deal with how to prevent cancer, treat cancer, or even treat people with cancer. The myths surrounding how people with cancer should feel in regards to their bodies and their sexuality are the least talked about. I, for one, think that should change. So let’s bust some of the myths surrounding sex and cancer!

  1. People with cancer don’t feel sexy.

While it can be hard for some people to feel sexy when they are dealing with their cancer symptoms and side effects, many are able to still feel good about their bodies and themselves during their treatments. People with cancer still date, and have sex, and enjoy their bodies. There can certainly be some issues with maintaining a feeling of sexiness during treatment but, for many people, that is not something that always affects them. Many times, people with cancer simply want to be treated normally, and to think about something other than their illness. So let yourself feel sexy, dress up, and enjoy yourself. If you’re having trouble feeling sexy, take some time out for yourself and think of what makes you feel good. Go dancing, take a bath, masturbate, but stick within your limits. It’s important to feel good as well as take care of your health.

  1. People with cancer have a hard time having sex.

While sex can sometimes be more complicated when dealing with incisions, catheters, tubes, and other medical equipment, that doesn’t always mean it shouldn’t be had. There are a number of products that exist that can help you to accommodate for these issues. Try using pillows, swings, or other furniture to help move your body into a position where you are less likely to be tangled up. For those experiencing sexual dysfunction, a number of things may help. You may consider trying sex toys, lubricants, or harnesses to simulate penetration. You may also want to consider different ways to have sex. Penetrative sex is not the only way to enjoy your sexuality! Explore your body with your partner(s), and try a number of new things.

  1. People with cancer aren’t allowed to have sex.

While there may be some people who are told by their healthcare professionals to hold off on having sex due to healing needing to rest, a growing number of healthcare professionals recognize the importance of sexual well-being to the whole health of their clients and patients. Many healthcare professionals recognize the therapeutic side effects of having sex and encourage their clients and patients to have sex to help relieve the symptoms of stress, anxiety, or depression that they may be experiencing due to their illness. In addition, an added benefit of sex is exploring the way their body responds to sexual stimulation. In doing so, they may even find that their bodies are able to do something new which leads to pleasure and relaxation. For instance, Rafe Biggs learned after becoming a quadriplegic that he was able to experience an orgasm when his girlfriend sucked on and massaged his thumb.

  1. If people with cancer want to have sex, it’s going to be gentle or boring.

People enjoy all kinds of sex, for all kinds of reasons and people with cancer are no exception! People with cancer don’t stop enjoying a certain kind of sex after they receive their diagnosis, and in fact, enjoying sex differently can help them to experience their bodies in very different ways. Those with cancer can enjoy many different kinds of sex, and even if they are having gentle sex, that doesn’t take away the pleasure and intimacy of the act. It can even be incredibly interesting and quite a lot of fun to explore sexual acts with a partner or partners!

  1. People with cancer should be focused on beating cancer, not having sex.

False, False, False! When you have cancer, you should be taking care of yourself, and that sometimes means implementing whatever self-care regimen you need to feel well. Some people may decide to do yoga, run, or simply relax on the couch, others may choose to have sex. Given that many healthcare professionals gloss over the importance of, and changes to, sexual health during cancer treatments, it’s understandable that we tend to overlook sex and sexuality as important parts of our whole health. When you have cancer, focus on caring for yourself, and if that involves having sex, have all the raunchy, sexy, messy, intimate, casual, gentle or rough sex you want. You deserve it!

Look for an upcoming article from The Frisky Fairy about what to do and how to behave as the partner of a person living with cancer.

Read part two of this article which includes advice for the partner of a person living with cancer.

Scary, Sexy Halloween Satisfaction

Tiny tongues lead to big pleasure!

With Halloween just around the corner, now is the ideal time to check out some of the silliest, strangest, and scariest sex toys, and talk about why they are actually great for your pleasure!

The Silly

When it comes to your sex toys, sometimes silly is the way to go! Check out the Happy Hippo and the Rude Rabbit, two hilarious cock rings from the Shots Toys Beasty Toys line. Sometimes sex is silly and fun, and these little friends are no exception. The benefit of a cock ring like this is twofold. The actual ring itself helps hold the blood in the shaft of the penis and leading to encourage a stronger erection, help the wearer maintain an erection, or even delay orgasm! Some people enjoy using cock rings for masturbation, and vibrating cock rings can lead to a number of interesting sensations for the wearer. For the partner of the wearer, the vibrations of the cock ring can give extra stimulation to the clitoris, vagina, or anus. They sensations from a stronger erection or delayed orgasm can also increase intimacy!

 

This Happy Hippo can give you all sorts of pleasure!
This Happy Hippo can give you all sorts of pleasure!

If you are looking for silly sex toys, you can always count on Doc Johnson to help you out. With their line of Super Hung Heroes, everyone can have a little bit of hero inside of them. These silicone supertoys are fun and fantastical. Easy to clean and with enough variety in the design to please any part of you. These heroic toys may have some trouble with strap-ons due to the shape, but they’re funny enough to play with anyways! Many of these toys are super textured and will give a lot of delightful pleasure no matter where you’re enjoying them! Check out “The Hammer” below!

 

If Mjolnir had the power to level mountains, imagine what your hammer will do!
If Mjolnir had the power to level mountains, imagine what your hammer will do!
If Mjolnir had the power to level mountains, imagine what your hammer will do!

Strange

This toy looks quite strange, but don’t worry it’ll actually give you incredible pleasure! Aneros has an impeccable reputation for making incredible quality toys. They use hard plastic and silicone for their products and promote sexual health. While the shapes may look strange, their prostate massagers are researched and designed to the fullest to give you the ultimate pleasure.

Every angle is researched and designed to give you the ultimate in prostate pleasure!
Every angle is researched and designed to give you the ultimate in prostate pleasure!

In the realm of strange toys, one of the toys that confuses the most people is the Sqweel by LoveHoney. Don’t run away just yet, this little bugger will drive you wild. Use a little bit of water based lubricant and then keep the tiny tongues so that they’re just touching the clitoris, frenulum, or any other part where you want pleasure. Don’t press too hard or you can stop the motor, but simply lay back, and enjoy the lapping sensation. As an added bonus, this toy is rechargeable and completely waterproof for all your travel needs!

Tiny tongues lead to big pleasure!
Tiny tongues lead to big pleasure!

 

Scary

Some of the scariest looking sex toys can also be some of the sexiest. Take, for instance, the Odax Sensation Wheel. When you combine that with a blindfold, you can create all sorts of sensations! From the ticklish to the prickly, this little devil will leave you wanting more! Try dipping the wheel in ice water and gently rolling it over the nipple, or down the inside of the arm.

 

For tickling, prickling pleasure!
For tickling, prickling pleasure!

For those of you who want something intense, delightful, and sinfully scary, check out the Scorpenis Dildo from TSX Toys! The curves on this toy are no joke, and they will push against the g-spot or the prostate with ease. The veins and ridges on this scorpion styled stinger are sure to blow your mind, and give you pleasure from the difference in texture along the entire toy. The Scorpenis is made of PVC and it is listed as phthalate free. When it comes to PVC, latex, or jelly rubber, I recommend using a condom with your toys, especially if you have latex sensitivities or allergies!

Looks scary, feels sexy!
Looks scary, feels sexy!

No matter what you’re going as for Halloween or how you like your sexy goodness, remember to be safe and have fun! Enjoy exploring, and have a wickedly sexy Halloween!