Exotic techniques in the bedroom are terrific – but they won’t necessarily make you a better lover. It’s really more about developing an attitude of openness and curiosity. Here are some great lover tips:
Many relationships die from emotional undernourishment. People forget to say what they value and appreciate about their partner. Speak up! It creates good feelings, which draws us closer. And, of course, both men and women enjoy being told they are attractive. You can create an adoration list by asking your partner to write down seven nonmaterial things that would make him/her feel cherished by you, and make a similar list yourself. You might even play 20 questions: Do you know your partner’s favorite movie? Favorite song? Think of 20 things you don’t know about each other, and take turns asking questions.
Pure, non-distracted attention is so seductive and quite affirming! When your partner tells you his/her thoughts, feelings, desires – or just the things that happened that day – really listen. Another way to pay attention is to do nice things for your Love, showing that you are thinking of him/her. Bringing coffee after your mate’s shower…and the list goes on and on. Often positive behaviors precede attitude change.
Shaking up your routine, trying new things together, can help you see each other with new eyes. If you do a risk-taking adventure, river rafting for example, the experience can lead to better sex later. And, yes, put sex on the calendar! Planning a night out on the town does not lessen the spontaneity. Really what it means is taking the time to create an environment conducive to intimacy. I talk about the DINS and the TTFS Syndromes: Double Income No Sex and Too Tired For Sex…Don’t let these sexual patterns invade your relationship.
The “love hormone” oxytocin is released when we are touched – and it is a positive feedback loop because the more we are touched, the more we want to be touched. Caress, fondle, stroke, and embrace while breathing into your touch. Give each other massages, cuddle first thing in the morning, pause for a full-body embrace as one of you is going out the door, hold hands before going to sleep. You get the idea!
AVOID PSYCHIC SEX
So many folks believe, “If you really loved me, you should know.” It’s like going on a treasure hunt without any clues. Communication is necessary – especially in the light of day when you can see your partner’s face and subtle reactions. You can say, “You know, I was reading an article and realized there are some things I don’t know about what you enjoy in bed…I want to create that kind of pleasure for you…” Describe what draws you to him or her and how that makes you feel. And, don’t hide – women tend to have body anxieties and men performance anxieties. Both rob you of the ability to lose yourself completely in the lovemaking.
Kissing is one of the least threatening, and most exciting, ways to vary your intimacy. But couples fall into a pattern where they stop kissing. Instead, experiment with playful kisses! Kiss him/her the way you enjoy being kissed. Pause in mid-kiss and say, “Mmmm, I love the way this feels.” Then say, “Hey, would you show me what it feels like to be kissed by me just now?”
STIMULATE YOUR SENSES
Engage all your senses – smell, hearing, touch, taste and sight. Light scented candles, play pulsating music, put fresh sheets on the bed, feed each other sensual foods, watch erotic films (describing to each other what you’re watching), wear sexy lingerie, dance (& maybe do a strip-tease!), put an amber light next to the bed. Smell is especially important: nuzzle and sniff each other. Run your nose along his skin or different parts of his body and drink in the sexual aromas and potent pheromones. Sensual sex can extend your pleasure. Try making love without intercourse. Explore ways other than penetration to express your love and sensuality. For further inspiration, I narrated a Sinclair Institute sex education film for Baby Boomers GREAT SEX for A LIFETIME (www.BetterSex.com).
EXPECT GOOD SEX
Deep emotional and sexual intimacy is rarely reached until mid-life and beyond. Sex is a way of being…and, sex is incredibly healthy for us as we age!
PRACTICE EMOTIONAL SURRENDER by reminding yourself of what you are especially grateful for in your lover. Finally, breathe and relax. Stretch. Surrender to what is truly sweet and good in yourself. Be playful and expressive. Laugh! J … I do! Dr. Diana – www.DrDianaWiley.com.