Monday, September 23, 2019
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Dr. Dennis Neder


10 Things To Avoid In Bed

Are you a good lover? Sure, you say you are, but if I asked 3 of your ex’s, what would they say? I’ll bet they may have a different opinion. I’ve had many women tell me that they were really incredible only to find out later that they were duds.

When I talk to women about their relationships and ask them if they think they’re “good”, they say, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints!”

Really? That’s the basis you’re using to determine your skills? Do you honestly believe that some guy is going to give you any critique (“constructive” or otherwise) when he’s just concerned about “getting some”?

If you’d like to be just as good (bad) as these women, here are your 10 keys:

1) Taking Ex-lover’s Opinions

Any guy that wants to play sheet-hockey with you is going to tell you how great you are. I’m sorry, but we guys lie to you not to hurt you, but to prevent you from being an even worse – or scarce – lover. We have enough to worry about with just getting sex to add to it.

Here’s a bottom line you should adopt: don’t use the salesman’s opinion to judge the quality of the product. Of course we’re going to tell you that you’re awesome! We’re just glad we got some sex! Consider too that because so many women are “sex-challenged”, many men have never been with a good lover in the first place.

2) Assuming You’re Good In Bed

Every woman I know thinks she’s a great kisser and at least decent in bed. In fact in my experience, less than 10% are either. You don’t have to take my word for this however, according to my own research; most other men put the number at around the same place!

Assuming that you’re already skilled can actually prevent you from gaining the skills you really should have. Being “confident, but curious” will take you to that glorious 10% very quickly.

3) Not Knowing Your Own Sexuality

Many, many women don’t focus on their own sexuality and assume that a man will come along to teach them everything they should know. Don’t believe it. It is YOUR job to learn about your own sexuality so that you bring this to the table in a relationship. After all, if you don’t understand your own sexuality – what works for you, what doesn’t and what else you want to explore – how are you ever going to communicate this to your lover?

Some men may stay in a relationship with a lousy lover, but we constantly think about how it’d be with someone else. If you think that takes the pressure off of you fine, but don’t be surprised when your lover decides he want to taste a little of that other fruit.

So, you’re probably asking exactly how to learn about your own sexuality. The answer is simple: masturbation and experimentation. This is the time you get to safely explore your own fantasies in private. Your mind is a creative, healing spring of energy and taking a little time for yourself is not only fun, it’s the key to really understanding your own needs – and getting comfortable with them! This can be a powerful source growth if you use it that way.

4) A lack Of Experience

If you’re saving yourself for marriage or for some knight in shining armor, just consider what you’re going to have to give when it or he finally arrives. I can’t tell you how many women just assume that everything will be incredible – and how many relationships break up because it’s not.

Not many western men these days want virgins. For those of us with some experience, we realize that this is just too much work! I don’t want to have to spend the next 5 years helping a woman just get in touch with her own sexual side – she should bring this to the relationship in the first place!

You’ve no doubt heard that sex “…isn’t the most important part of a relationship…” and while that may be true, it’s in the top 3! Why would you spend so much of your time working on becoming the woman of your man’s dreams, only to fail where it’s most important to him?

I’m not saying that you should go out and bang every guy you meet, but you should see every sexual relationship you are in as a chance to grow your own skills for that guy that finally does sweep you off your feet. Doesn’t he deserve this from you? (Answer: yes, he does!)

5) Reading Books & Articles Written By Women About What Men Want In Bed

If I want to learn about car maintenance, I don’t usually go to a guy that sells camels and ask. I’ll go right to the mechanic. Women spend countless hours reading articles and books written by other women about how to satisfy men sexually. The trouble with this is that many of these women are just as inexperienced! Many men look at these articles too and most of us just roll our eyes.

6) Not Communicating

If I or any man asks you what you like in bed, NEVER give the answer, “Oh, I like just about everything!” It’s a cop-out and we know it. More important if you DO give an answer like this, don’t be surprised if you come home one day and find your cousin, a horse, a trampoline and a clown in your living room ready for action.

Being with someone sexually is an opportunity to get your needs met – and to explore new ones. You can only do this by communicating honestly, openly and without embarrassment.

7) Not Asking

Wouldn’t you love to hear your partner ask you, “Honey, is there anything you really want that you haven’t told me?” Guys do too! Very few of us are the insecure jackasses some make us out to be. If we know you want something, we’ll almost always find a way to give it to you.

8) Complaining

When you ask for something and get it – even if it’s not exactly right – don’t complain. There are far better ways to improve things! That especially means right in the middle of sex.

Recommendations are taken far better than simply complaining about something. If you tell us what you want, we may still not exactly understand it from your perspective. Women are rather more complicated than men in this department. As I’ve already said, if we know you want something, we’ll almost always try to give it to you. If it’s not exactly what or how you like it, help us to understand it. You’ll be the benefactor!

On the other hand, if you simply complain, get used to the idea that you’re not going to get what you want – and it’ll be your own fault.

9) Lack Of Enthusiasm

If you think holding back is the way to get us to be more interested in you, let me set you straight on this: it won’t work. We’ll simply find someone that won’t hold back and leave you wondering what happened.

Your sexual enthusiasm also communicates your interest in us. That doesn’t mean you have to bounce off the walls, but at least be interested in sex and want to grow with us. We’ll return the favor in ways you can’t imagine.

10) Being Self-conscious

I know, I know, you’re worried about the lighting, mood and every other little issue:

“Does my hair look good?”

“Am I making enough noise?”

“Am I making too much noise?”

“Does this pillow make my ass look big?”

Honey, you look great – really. We aren’t concerned with all of this detail. We are focused on the sex itself – with you; not whether or not you have cellulite. In fact, we just don’t give a damn! Stay with us in the moment and let’s have fun together. This isn’t an anatomy lesson and you’re not competing with the girls in the magazine under our bed – really!

I hope that list has helped you sort out what you can do to be a lousy lover. Now, simply turn this around, and become a great one – both you AND your partner deserve it!

Best regards…


Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: Follow me on Facebook ( and Twitter (@dwneder).

How To Make Good Conversation On A First Date

Many people complain that they “hate to date”. Are you one of them? If so, it’s very likely that you’re afraid of just having to make “good” conversation.

You don’t want it to come off as labored but you don’t want the awkward silences or misunderstandings and miscommunications either. If only early date conversations where easy and natural.

Well, they can be, if you only know a few simple rules:

Rule #1 – First dates are “interviews”

Nobody wants to feel that they are being interviewed (especially on a date) but that’s exactly what you want to do. To interview your date, you have to be smart about it.

First, it can’t seem like an interview! You probably shouldn’t be asking questions like “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” or “Tell me about your last date”.

On the other hand, one thing job interviewers have is the benefit of knowing exactly what position they’re trying to fill. Do you? Do you know what you’re looking for specifically? I’ll bet; like most people, you don’t! In fact, most people create goals for their health, their careers and even their vacations but rarely do the same for their relationships!

This is the first place to start. You need to know what you’re looking for – not just in a date with someone but overall. You need to set your own relationship goals and have them clearly in your mind. That way you can ask some simple, yet directed questions to determine if this person is even a good fit to continue seeing beyond a few dates.

 Rule #2 – Have an answer to the “least understood question”

I call this the least understood question because so few people will consider it thinking that it’s too forward or ever rude. I completely disagree! In fact, this question gives someone the chance to really sell themselves if they’ve ever considered it (and they should!) What is the “least understood question”? Simple: “What do you bring to the table?”

The problem is, if you don’t know your value or worth; if you don’t know what you bring to the table, how are you ever going to be able to express it to someone else?

Is it enough to just be attractive, neat and be a good conversationalist? Certainly those things help, but far more important is to know what your real value is. What makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? Why should someone else date you? Would YOU date YOU? If so, why?

This is one of the first things I teach my students to ask people on a first date. (Of course, I also coach them to have their own answers to it as well.) It’s a tough question if you haven’t thought about it, but if you already know the answer, not only is it a breeze, but you get to make your case right then and there. This is the surest way to impress anyone there is!

Rule #3 – Talk about the one subject that is most interesting and important to your date

So, you just met this person and now you’re trying to get to know them. How are supposed to know what they are most interested in and what’s most important to them?

The answer is so simple that we don’t even consider it. The fact is; that everyone (including you) is primarily interested in one thing: ourselves.

If you’ve been on more than two dates in your life, you’ve likely encountered this fact right off the bat. Some people have absolutely no “sense of others” at all. They just seem to take a breath and start talking – speaking for what seems like hours about themselves; their jobs, their families, their cars, their work, etc.

These people become bores very quickly. Why? Because they’re not telling us what we want to know! They are simply bloviating about what they consider important or about what they want us to know about them.

By realizing that their favorite topic is themselves, you can actually use that to not only create fun, interesting, scintillating and intelligent conversation, you can learn a ton about a person all at the same time.

Here’s how you do it: learn to ask “open-ended questions” (“OEQ”).

An OEQ is a question that has more than a “yes”, “no” or one-word answer.

For example, if you ask someone, “Do you like your job?” They can answer “yes” or “no” and then what do you do? You’ve lost all momentum before it even got started.

On the other hand, ask someone what they like most about their jobs and they’ll simply take that as a springboard to tell you all sorts of interesting things. You’ll probably find out not only what they like about it but how they got started in it, what they think about the company the work for and what their plans are for the next 3 years!

Add to this one more key: listening. If you really listen with interest and pay attention, you’ll never be without more conversation! All you do is take any point of interest you hear as they are asking the question and that becomes the source of another open-ended question!

For example: “Really? Your company only opened your branch two years ago? How’d you get picked to work there?” and “Interesting! What sort of education did you need to get into hydroponics in the first place?”

Do you know what the side benefit of all of this is? It’s that YOU come off as a great “conversationalist”!

Rule #4 – Build connections

Obviously, if all you’re doing is asking questions, you’re not going to build much connection with the other person. Thus, you have to share information along the way.

One of the best ways to do this is to pick up key points as a person speaks and remember them because you share a similar experience or have knowledge about the subject. You don’t have to be an expert in it however.

Just imagine that your date tells you that they are a structural engineer and you have little knowledge about the industry, but happen to know someone else in that line of work. You can bring that up as part of your own “self-disclosure”. For instance, “That sounds like an interesting line of work. I don’t know much about it, but my sister was dating a structural engineer a few years ago. She and I are very close and I’m sorry that she didn’t put things together with him because he was a great guy…”

Look at how easily and naturally you’re building rapport and connection!

The key to being a good dater is learning to keep good conversation going – and going – by speaking less and saying more.


Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to:


Premature Ejaculation: Q & A With Dr. Dennis Neder


Hi Dr. Dennis!

I have been an avid reader of your site and definitely appreciate all of the work and information you do to help guys like me!

I had a question regarding supplements that you recommend. I’m currently in my mid 20’s and I’ve been suffering from climaxing too quickly. Additionally, there are times where my erection just doesn’t receive maximum hardness, it’s like at 70% or so, approximately. I usually can get it up whenever I want, but generally can’t get it up to my maximum ‘peak’ and shortly after penetration, I climax.

I know a lot of my problems are probably psychological and date back to the days when I had to rub one out quickly because I was short on time (plus all the pornography). So I was just wondering if there are any medical or herbal supplements that you suggest?

Thanks so much, doc! I look forward to hearing from you!



First, thanks for the positive comments – I appreciate hearing that we’re making a difference out there!

Ejaculatory control (premature ejaculation) is definitely something you want to work on. The good news is that it gets better as you get older, but that doesn’t help you much today.

To be honest, I don’t think this is really a medical issue – or one you can attempt to treat via supplements or medications (with an exception I’ll get into).

You have a combination of issues here. The first, is getting completely hard. The second is coming too quickly. Let’s deal with them in that order:

Your ability to get and maintain a full erection has a great deal to do with your overall systemic health. For instance, exercise, diet, rest and structure play a HUGE role here. If you’re getting enough of all of these
things (and really, who is these days?) then supplements *may* help – but I wouldn’t rely on them. They can help improve blood pressure (if yours is low) and muscle quality/tone (if yours is poor). But then, that’s the real issue here – you’re 20 years old and not likely that out of shape.

The biggest problem with supplementation is a thing called assimilation rate. It’s the amount of any nutrient you can: 1) absorb, and 2) convert and use. The fact is; your body is designed to convert food into nutritional
components to be used. Supplements are chemistry – not food. The vast majority of supplements are made by dumping a bunch of chemicals into a vat, stirring it up and putting it into capsule or tablet form. That’s not the way your body wants its fuel. Thus, supplements are mostly ineffective.

Further, easily assimilated compounds (like magnesium) can offset other companion compounds (like calcium) that your body needs in balanced amounts! Thus, you actually deplete one while getting too much of the other.

Here’s a far better way to improve your erections: exercise. But, you want to exercise the right way. You have a muscle in the base of your penis that closes off the out-flow of blood. It’s that muscle that allows you to have erections. If that muscle is weak, it’s tough to get full erections or to maintain them.

The good news is that the exercises are actually easy to do – and very effective. Here’s a great article on Kegel exercises for men.

Now, on to early ejaculation:

This is an obvious problem and one you want to solve as quickly as possible (no pun intended!)

If your erections weren’t a problem, I’d just suggest you pull the trigger on it (jerk off) before you meet up with a girlfriend. That way you wouldn’t be as ready to go and would be able to last much longer. The problem here is that would also likely affect your ability to maintain an erection.

There are desensitizing creams you can also try that can help you hold off orgasm, but they have their own down-sides such as being messy, possibly numbing your partner and (some) being incompatible with condoms. Further, they may even cause you to lose your erection – the opposite of a “solution”.

Instead, you need to practice holding off. Your scenario about masturbating to come quickly is a problem many men have. Do you know you can turn that around? Not only can you “practice” holding off but you can actually get pretty good at it – and greatly improve your own orgasms at the same time. You do this by masturbating and when you get to the edge, backing off with a deep breath, opening your eyes (if they aren’t already), releasing your grip (d’uh!) and shaking it off for a few moments until the orgasm passes. Then,
you start it up again.

By doing this 3-4 times before you release, you can actually teach yourself how to hold off and (as I said before) actually greatly enhance your own orgasms at the same time.

Be aware that I’m not a fan of “Tantra” for men. This practice, when taken to extremes (over many hours or days, weeks, etc.) has actually been shown to be detrimental and harmful.

Here’s another consideration: In some cases, it’s really not that bad a deal to come too quickly. The key however is to not use the orgasm itself as an end to love making. Let’s say that you and the girlfriend are banging it out and you enter her, cum and the rest for a moment or so. Then, you go right back to where you left off! You won’t be hard (or as hard) as when you started, but after a few minutes, you’re going to be ready to do again.

Interestingly, this matches many women’s own orgasmic timing as well since they often need more time to ramp things up. Thus, you get off once, but keep going and maybe even make it a second – or third time!

What a stud you are!

Best regards…

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications